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Missouri All Categories > Places > North America > USA > Missouri
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Think They'll Let Us Go Back and Look for Your Ass, or What?
Black lady #1, after riding Superman: Did you sit on them tree sides?
Black lady #2: No, I didn't.
Black lady #1: You should've! You could see them motherfuckin' trees! And I was like "what the fuck!" I mean, I was cussing my ass off!
Black lady #2: So that was you?
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Emma
Categories: Black people | Body parts | Gripes | Missouri | Sensory experiences | Posted 2011-08-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Like Me Ignoring That Stop Sign!
Policeman, pulling over drunk guy on bike: License and registration, please.
Drunk guy: I'm on a bike!
Policeman: Sorry, force of habit.
Jefferson City, Missouri
Overheard by: BartMan
It's Always in the Last Place You Look
Drunk guy: If kiddie porn is such a huge problem on the internet, how come you can't ever find it?
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Why Don't You Have A Seat Over Here...
Plus, Skinny Girls Won't Sit Still
Male student during history class: Why are the women in these nude paintings so plump?
Professor: Because the artists had good taste.
Female student: That's right!
University of Missouri
Overheard by: Kathryn Bjornstad
Actually, I Think He Went to Columbia University
Girl #1: One time, this Colombian dude was hitting on me...
Girl #2, interrupting: What? Like from Columbia, Missouri?
Girl #1: No. This country--he was like Arab or something.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: A.
Mr. Duchovny's Voicemail Fills Up Fast
Teenage girl on cell: David, I fucked you last night. The least you could do is give me a ride to Taco Bell.
St. Louis, Missouri
Some Girls Have a Gift for Spilling Their Mountain Dew
Gossipy high school girl to others: I don't think she was faking it. The couch was all wet when they got up!
Ice Cream Shop
St. Louis, Missouri
And Test the Theory Of Post-Menopausal Invisibility
Woman to friend: I'd really like to take off my dress.
Shopping Area
Kansas City, Missouri
How the Economy Works: Explained
Teen girl #1: Omigawd, I just realized. If we borrowed five dollars from like twenty people, we'd have eighty dollars!
Teen girl #2: Haha, yeah! Wait. (long pause) Yeah, like eighty dollars!
St Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Had hope for a second, there
America: Encapsulated.
Slightly obese lady on cell: Of course I'm at the gym, honey! I promised to go to the gym today, so I'm at the gym! (hangs up, talks to friend) What an idiot. I want some ice cream.
Ice Cream Shop
Missouri
Overheard by: jeeves
Categories: Diet & weight | Fat people | Food | Friends | Insults | Lies | Missouri | On the phone | Stores | Wishes | Posted 2010-07-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Use Birth Control
Woman to friend: So I killed three of them already. I guess that means I should lose some weight.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: corey
Marriage Gives a Man a Whole New Skillset
Woman: I am your woman!
Man: I'm my own woman!
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: David Wayne Reed
Oh, Please-- Victoria's Secret's Been Selling Those for Years.
Girl, about teacher: He kept bending over in front of my desk. And he was wearing these tie-dye boxers, and they were hanging out of his pants. Except it looked like a thong. Like, there was a thong line. So, yeah, he might have been wearing a thong.
Girl #2: Maybe it's like a weird, secret guy thing. The top looks like boxers but the rest is a thong.
Girl #1: Yeah.
High School
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Girls | Gossip | Missouri | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Undies | Posted 2010-04-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Isn't This a Show on TLC?
Guy to girl: I know these people out in Colorado, and they're like totally brother and sister, and they're married! I mean, they had to sign something saying they'd never have children, but they're totally married!
Nightclub Bathroom
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: RW
Categories: Family ties | Guys | Missouri | Relationships | Restroom | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I Still *Adored* Gone with the Wind.
Naked dude #1: I'm really surprised by how long it is.
Naked dude #2: Yeah... It's quite long.
Locker Room
Kansas City, Missouri
Everybody Thinks I Went to Eastern Europe for Breast Implants
Middle school girl: Normal bras don't work, because my boobs are, like, triangle-shaped.
Missouri
I Don't Remember the Plot Of Of Mice and Men Going Quite That Way
Teacher: So, he gets this chick to marry him and she leaves her princess life in wherever, and now he's dreaming about mud!
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Education | Family ties | Missouri | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-01-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What I Love About You-- You're Not Afraid to Take Risks
Girl #1: I pulled out my knuckle hair with my teeth just now.
Girl #2: What? What the hell?
Girl #1: I was bored. And I wanted to see what it would feel like.
(silence)
Girl #1: It felt like a pinch.
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Body parts | Compare and contrast | Feelings | Girls | Hair | Missouri | Sensory experiences | Wishes | Posted 2010-01-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Best. Baby Shower. Ever.
Woman to group of girls: I would rather sword fight you than make baskets and decorate cakes.
St. Louis, Missouri
I Assume Everyone's Seen Independence Day?
Conductor, at the end of introductory speech: And, ladies and gentlemen, in the event of an emergency... you all know what to do.
Train
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Advice | Conductors | Missouri | Public Transportation | Train | Posted 2009-12-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Everyone in Retail Can Identify
Little boy, in sing-song: I believe I can fly! I believe I can... die!
Sales clerk: That's the sad version.
JC Penney
Columbia, Missouri
When You Have "Dick" in Your Name, You Have to Expect That.
Professor: When I was learning about Emily Dickinson in high school, I wasn't really paying attention. I was just wondering what she looked like without her clothes on.
Missouri
That Was the Good News. The Bad News Was, I'd Swallowed It.
Girl to friend: And then, all of a sudden, everything became totally clear. It was like the clouds parted and I just knew. I knew where my purse was.
Columbia, Missouri
Pets Being the Obvious Exception
British individual rights professor: States can't go around cutting people's bollocks off because they've been naughty.
Law Class
St. Louis, Missouri
You're a Burkoff, Dad
Little Girl: Look Dad, a buhraff.
Dad: That's "giraffe"--juh, juh, juh.
Little Girl, looking confused: Buhraff! Juh, juh, juh.
Zoo
St. Louis, Missouri
Anyone Wanna Teabag?
Dude, after receiving dickhead hat on 50th birthday: Hey, look! My double chin looks like a pair of balls in a nutsack!
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Tiger Fan
Categories: Age and ageing | Balls | Body parts | Clothes | Compare and contrast | Guys | Missouri | Penis | Posted 2009-10-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, Ally McBeal, How We've Missed You!
Hipster girl to another: I consider myself single, except for the part where I have a boyfriend... so I can't cheat on him.
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Hipsters | Missouri | Relationships | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like They Used to Do with Us!
Teenager, noticing little girl being led around by her mother on a leash: Look! White people be putting their kids on leashes!
The Galleria
St. Louis, Missouri
Um, That's a Water Bottle.
50-something female suit: That's a dog? I thought it was a kid in a weird hat!
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: really?
He'll Be Disappointed When He Learns It Has Nothing to Do With Guns
Youngish mom, enthusiastic: I need shot glasses for work!
Eight-year-old son, excited: I want a shot glass!!
Gift Shop
Branson, Missouri
Some Babies Learn to Run Away Before They Can Walk
Loud fat ghetto chick to baby: See dat? See dat baby walking? That's what you need to be doing. I'm sick of carrying yo' ass around.
Target Parking Lot
Florissant, Missouri
Categories: Advice | Ass | Chicks | Fat people | Kids | Missouri | Moms | Parenting | Should have used a condom | Stores | Posted 2009-08-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
At Least, That's What I'll Be Contending at the Michael Vick Trial.
Tattooed girl: I don't wrestle live dogs anymore. Now I wrestle humans.
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Summer
I Wondered Why She Was So Hairy.
College guy #1: Hey, remember that time I fucked your mom in the ass?
College guy #2: Hey, remember that time I dressed up as my mom?
Fulton, Missouri
Overheard by: The Sweetheart
Categories: Ass | Backdoor | Clothing | Comebacks | Family ties | Frat boy types | Missouri | Questions | Posted 2009-08-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Also Sweats Through His Pants
Babysitter: My dog gets hot walking.
Seven-year-old: How can you tell?
Babysitter: He sticks his tongue out, and his fur is really warm.
Seven-year-old: Sometimes when I'm out in the sun my hair feels hot.
Babysitter: Yeah, now imagine you have hair all over your body.
Seven-year-old: Like my dad.
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Animals | Babysitters | Body parts | Compare and contrast | Hair | Kids | Kids | Missouri | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-07-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Mean, What Good Is a Briefcase Without Briefs?
Old dude to another, reminiscing: You still got that briefcase with all that underwear in it?
Kansas City, Missouri
Further Evidence That Missouri Loves Company
Middle aged man power-walking with friend in the park: I wake up, I drink, and I smoke. Then, I go to work, come home, and drink and then smoke. You wanna know why I do this?
Friend: Why?
Middle aged man: I'm fucking depressed, that's why. So I wake up and do it all over again the next day.
Forest Park
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Friends | Jobs & Careers | Maladies | Missouri | Questions | Smoking | Posted 2009-07-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wishes He Had a Girl Who Looked Good He Would Call Her?
White girl to white guy: Oh, I get it. So a baller pops his collar.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Emmitt
Dear Skanky Girl-- Call Me -- Love, Dave
Skanky girl sitting at outdoor lunch table: I wanna have sex on the bleachers, I wanna have sex in the classrooms, I wanna have sex in the principal's office, I wanna have sex in the teacher's lounge...
High School
Missouri
Overheard by: Jacob
Categories: Default | Education | Girls | Missouri | Offers and requests | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sex | Posted 2009-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like "Melancholy" or "Pterodactyl"?
Student: What's "Nostradamus"? It that just some random, made-up word or something?
Rock Bridge High School
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Who's Daddy's Little Hell Spawn?
Man to small daughter: Do you know why they cut the elephants' tusks off? It's so they won't poke or hurt anybody. (pause) Just like we cut your fangs off when you were young.
St. Louis Zoo
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Katie
While the Dean Is Out Of Town on His Grinding and Shimmying Tour
Undergrad student: Where are the nursing faculty?
University secretary: Pumping.
College
Missouri
Overheard by: rami
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Employees | Missouri | Offers and requests | Questions | Students | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-04-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Excellent Reverse Psychology, Mom
White trash mother, hurrying five-year-old out of bathroom: C'mon, let's go!
Five-year-old: But I want to wash my hands!
White trash mother: (sighs) Fine, but make it quick.
Five-year-old: Yay!
Lamberts Cafe
Sikeston, Missouri
Overheard by: Grossed Out
...Grandma.
Ghetto lady on cell: Where you at? (pause) Yeah, you better be at work and not out fucking around on me. (pause) You know damn well what the fuck I am talking about, motherfucker! (pause) Bitch, I am making tacos so I gotta get some fucking sour cream. (pause) I said I am making fucking tacos. (pause) Alright, I love you too.
Sun Fresh
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: WesAli
The Back Of the Shelves?
Black student: Where's the ethnic section?
White librarian: The what?
Black student: The ethnic section...you know, where all the books by black people are.
White librarian: We don't have an ethnic section, dear. You'll have to browse the shelves.
Longview College, Missouri
Overheard by: Sarah
Categories: Black people | Books | Colleges & Universities | Default | Missouri | Offers and requests | Questions | Race | Students | Posted 2009-04-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Owe Me for Helping You Realize You're Gay
Young teenage boy: You owe me.
Young teenage girl: I owe you for what?
Young teenage boy: For sleeping with you for four years!
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Abby C.
By Show Of Hands, Who'd Give Him the Money Without Hesitation?
Flamboyant black man to woman waiting at crosswalk: Oh, thank god for a sister! I need some money for the bus and I just know you'll help me out, little white barbie sister!
Saint Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Margie
Categories: Black people | Default | Family ties | Guys | Missouri | Money | Public Transportation | Queers | Posted 2009-03-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
JewTube's Kind Of an Open Secret, Ellie
Girl on line: Guess what! I watched a video about Jews on YouTube today!
Girl next to her, embarrassed: Shhhh!
Bear's Den, Washington University
St Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Scandalized
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Internet | Missouri | Religion | Posted 2009-03-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just a Little Tip from Me to You
Customer to cashier: A lot of people say the witching hour is midnight, but it's actually 3 am. I know this because I worship Satan.
Supermarket
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: RW
Maybe If You Were Close to Being a Rich Man
Hipster kid #1: Kelsey, have you ever seen Fiddler on the Roof?
Hipster kid #2: No. I'm not a fan of Tennessee Williams.
Hipster kid #3: Um, I think you're thinking of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
Hipster kid #2: Yeah, whatever. I was close.
Missouri Botanical Gardens
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: tennessee williams' groupie
But I'm Reasonably Sure That's Where Your Dad Is from
Girl: Whoa...There's a band called "Asia"? Mom, is this what I was named after?
Mother: No, honey.
Branson, Missouri
How'd You Know?!
Student: I was wondering what my grade is.
Instructor (after consulting grade book): You have 312 points out of 500.
Student: So that's like, what, a "b?"
Instructor: Are you failing math too?
MCCKC
Independence, Missouri
Overheard by: Not failing math
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Education | Missouri | Questions | Students | Teachers | Posted 2009-02-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Tell a Story Just Like Your Dad
Girl #1 to girl #2: Did you see the way he grabbed me like that? I was like, "you need to not grab me like that"
International Airport
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: glad he didn't grab ME like that
John McCain? Ewww
Skinny emo guy to emo girl: The only way I'm going to see him naked is if I picture it in my head. Oh, god damn it! I just saw it!
Missouri State University
Overheard by: Matt
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Default | Guys | Missouri | Sensory experiences | Sexuality | Posted 2009-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ah, Refried Love
20-something girl on phone: Wait, he gave you a bite of his burrito and you're questioning his feelings for you? (pause) Girl, he practically proposed right there!
University of Missouri
Overheard by: Black Bean
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Feelings | Food | Girls | Missouri | Questions | Relationships | Posted 2009-01-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Brenda's Quest Continued
20-something girl: When you go pee first thing in the morning, do you ever make a bunch of noises and you're not sure if they 're coming from your hoo-haw or your ass?
Friend: Umm...no.
20-something girl: Yeah, me neither.
University of Missouri
Columbia, Missouri
Water Is Also a Tough One
Substitute teacher to class: I have a theory that everything in the world is derived from grilled cheese sandwiches.
Student: What about things made out of meat? You know, like animals and people?
Substitute teacher: That's where my theory ends.
High School, Missouri
Overheard by: can's wait to graduate
Chances Are Good We'll Get to Denver or Somewhere Near It
Stressed flight attendant, after four-hour delay: Folks, we've just been cleared for immediate departure. (passengers cheer) All passengers must be seated, with your seat belts fastened for takeoff. To do so, insert the metal--well, if you can't figure it out for yourself, you're in trouble. If at any point an oxygen mask appears in front of you, you'll want to put that on. In the event of a water landing occurring between St. Louis and Denver, there will be a flotation device under your seat and about three feet of snow in hell. Emergency exits--front, over-wing and rear--wherever it says so. Don't even think about smoking. See the safety information card for the rest. Here we go.
Runway
St. Louis Airport, Missouri
Categories: Advice | Airports & flights | Default | Feelings | Flight attendants | Missouri | Smoking | Weirdness | Posted 2008-12-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Also the Default Setting in Missouri
Guy #1, walking into beer garden: What does "drunk in public" mean exactly?
Guy #2: I think it's kind of self-explanatory.
Columbia, Missouri
Like People in Kansas Don't Drink Wine
Ghetto black chick: People in Europe don't eat nachos.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: D-One
Categories: Black people | Compare and contrast | Default | Food | Geography | Girls | Missouri | Posted 2008-12-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mr. Sandman, Bring Me a Dream/ Send Me a Girl Who Wants to Get Reamed
Girl: So I had a realistic dream last night.
Guy (uninterested): Uh-huh.
Girl: I had anal sex in the dream. But I've never had anal sex before. But it seemed realistic.
Guy (uninterested): Hmm.
Girl: So now I need to have anal sex to see if it was like in my dream.
Guy (suddenly interested): Yeah?
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Sarah
Out Shaking Her Balance Sheet on a Friday Night
Teen girl #1: Okay, okay, look at that girl over there.
Teen girl #2: Which one?
Teen girl #1: The one with the short skirt, revealing halter top, and cowboy boots--what do you think of her?
Teen girl #2: I don't know what you're asking.
Teen girl #3: What do you think she does for a living?
Teen girl #2: I don't know, she could be an accountant.
Steak 'n Shake
Springfield, Missouri
Categories: Clothing | Default | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Missouri | Questions | Restaurants | Teens | Posted 2008-11-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Little Guy Never Gets a Break
Boy: Why can't we go in?
Girl: Maybe someone was murdered.
Boy: Lucky.
West Junior High
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Categories: Death & dying | Default | Girls | Guys | Missouri | Murder | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Weirdness | Posted 2008-11-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Excellent-- Let the Beatings Begin
Mom: Honey, don't eat your boogers!
Two-year-old: But mommy, I like them!
Mom, exasperated: Go to your dad.
Supermarket
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Ryskie
NewsFlash: Cultural References from 1998 Finally Reach Missouri
Flight attendant: Fasten your seatbelt low and tight around your waist, like Britney Spears' pants.
Airplane
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: About celebrities | Advice | Airports & flights | Body parts | Clothes | Compare and contrast | Default | Flight attendants | Missouri | Offers and requests | Posted 2008-10-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Doesn't Like Bill Murray?
Coworker at happy hour: It doesn't matter. I like food, I've got great boobs and people dig me.
Barristers Pub
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: JD
Where an Ancient Tribe Had Scrawled Its Secrets on the Stall Wall
Teacher: You know, when I was your age we didn't have classes like this. If you wanted to learn about personal finance, you got a job. If you wanted to learn about sex, you went to the bathroom.
Rock Bridge High School
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Advice | Age and ageing | Default | Education | Masturbation | Memory lane | Missouri | Money | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sexuality | Teachers | Posted 2008-10-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like I Used to Do with My Raggedy Ann
Chick #1: I hope you never snap and become a serial killer.
Chick #2 (lovingly): Because I'd kill you first!
Chick #1: I know.
Chick #2: And then I'd stuff you... I would stuff you with your clothes so you smell like yourself.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Good Advice!
Hey, If the Hippos in Fantasia Can Do It...
Aunt: Well yeah, we dance with the turkey before we put it in the oven.
Girl: What?!
Aunt: Well you know, to give it one last dance.
Girl: One last dance?! As if it danced before!
St.Louis, Missouri
What a Poetic Way Of Saying "Anus"!
Professor: Does this fit into his expanding and contracting magical porn circle?
Washington University
St Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: You can't laugh in a four person class
...Until I Heard Her Reciting Beowulf in the Shower
English teacher: Yeah, I dated this girl one time and she took a class and learned middle English. She memorized the beginning of The Canterbury Tales in middle English so she was like, "Do you want to hear The Canterbury Tales in middle English?" And I was like "yeah!" and she said it, and it didn't even sound like English. It was crazy, like chanting or something. I was about to propose to her just then. But I got over it.
Rock Bridge High School
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Categories: Default | Education | Feelings | Language barrier | Missouri | Relationships | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teachers | Posted 2008-09-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Know What I Mean
Girl to friend: I gave my ostrich a fur coat.
Rich Catholic Girls School
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Sarah
Categories: Default | Euphemisms | Girls | Hair | Missouri | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Vagina | Posted 2008-08-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sentences Involving "Mom" and "Underwear" Aren't Typically a Recipe for Normalcy
Teenage girl #1: Oh my god, did I tell you my mom is wearing thong underwear?
Teenage girl #2: Oh my god, that is so weird!
Old Navy Store
Kansas City, Missouri
Especially with Your Hand on My Boob.
Drunk brunette: I'm so ready! I wanna fuck! I mean, you and Ryan* fuck! All the time! I know you do!
Sober blonde: Please don't ever say that again.
Drunk brunette: Fine, prude! You and Ryan* make loooove all the time, right?!
Sober blonde: Could you please just say "have sex"? This is so weird.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: i*agree
You Should See Him Pick His Teeth
Blonde in jacket: I know this guy that totally disemboweled a bomb using only a toothpick.
Demeaning guy friend: "Disemboweled"?
Blonde in jacket: With nothing but a toothpick! Isn't that incredible?
Denny's
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Gabe
That's a Lot More Complicated
Friend #1: I totally agree about simple dates. I think a great date would be for me and a guy to just ride a concubine together.
(pause)
Friend #2: You mean a "combine"?
Kansas City, Missouri
And Letting My Baby Steer
College girl to friend: He's a really scary driver. He'll go fifty on gravel roads. I mean, I go fifty on gravel roads, but only if I'm really, really drunk.
El Rancho
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: RW
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Drinking & drunks | Fears | Girls | Missouri | Sorority types | Posted 2008-06-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Where the Strippers Shit in the Water
Guy #1: So yeah, you can get in the water with them but you can't touch the manatees unless they swim up to you.
Guy #2: Sort of like a strip club.
Bar
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Matt
Categories: Advice | Animals | Bars & Clubs | Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Missouri | Sexuality | Posted 2008-06-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Either Way I Won't Be Able to Get Off Now
Suit #1: I can't believe I've lost them again!
Suit #2: Are we talking about dildos still or the midgets?
McDonald's Parking Lot
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: I wish I heard the first part of this conversation
That Carmen Miranda Costume Will Be Done in No Time!
Woman on cell: Slowly... over the next week... add a fruit.
Barnes & Noble
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Advice | Fruit | Missouri | On the phone | Stores | Time Management | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2008-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So Thanks for Letting Me Into Yale
Hipster guy: Yeah, it probably didn't help that I gave you poison ivy and then threw up on you.
Bar
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Default | Etiquette | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Hipsters | Maladies | Missouri | Relationships | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not Even in Back Bay?
Guy: Yeah, it's like that one time we ended up at the homosexual movie theater.
Girl: They have gay movie theaters?
Guy: Yeah, it's called, like... Homoplex or something.
Girl: We don't even have those in Boston.
Diner
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Guys | Missouri | Movies | Names | Questions | Restaurants | Sexuality | US Geography | Posted 2008-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Really Shouldn't Discriminate Against People Who Try to Kill You
Jewish man: I am not sexist!
Jewish man's friend: You are so sexist Archie Bunker is embarrassed.
Jewish man: I'm not sexist. I'll stab a chick in her junk!
Israeli Martial Arts Class
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Ari
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Friends | Gender issues | Jews | Missouri | TV shows | Vagina | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Georgia State Penitentiary?
Freshman #1: So... where is he from?
Freshman #2: He's from the part of Georgia where they ass-rape you.
Washington University
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: New Yorker hopefully about to graduate
Categories: Ass | Colleges & Universities | Guys | Hair | Missouri | Questions | Students | US Geography | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Eventually We Worked Out a Timeshare Situation
Girl: So this girl was like: "I want half your pants!"
Hazelwood West High School
Florissant, Missouri
Overheard by: Melissa
Hey, Loaf Quilting Is the Wave of the Future
Student, discussing a character's problems: It's like he's in between a needle and some bread.
Teacher: ... Do you mean a rock and a hard place?
English Class, Hazelwood West High School
Florissant, Missouri
I'm Turning Inside Out for Halloween
Girl: I think my ribs are double-jointed.
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Categories: Body parts | Default | Fears | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Missouri | Science | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And That Was the Extent of My "Birds and Bees" Talk
Mom holding two tomatoes stuck together: Look, tomato twins!
Daughter: Oh my god! I love them!
Mom: They look like balls! [Laughs] Boy balls! [Walks away].
Daughter: Oh my god.
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Oooh -- And Graphic Intolerance!
Mom: No, that's not an appropriate video, either.
14-year-old son: What about this one? It's Christian. It only has violence in it!
Blockbuster
Liberty, Missouri
Overheard by: blockbuster lurker
How'd Professor Walsh Even Get My Number?
Blonde: So, he calls me drunk at two o'clock in the morning and tells me our relationship has barnacles.
Brunette: What?!
Blonde: He compared our relationship to ship that has barnacles on it!
Brunette: Um...
Blonde: So now I'm like, 'Should I read into this?'
Psych building, Washington University
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Bimbettes | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Missouri | Relationships | Students | Posted 2008-03-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How I Look Forward to Your Wedding Day
Mother to son: One day you will eat blood, and your stomach will say, 'Oh, no, no, no!' and it will come right back up.
Steak & Shake
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Mallory
Categories: Health & Hygiene | Missouri | Moms | Threats | Posted 2008-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Think You'd Be Surprised
Cute queer #1: Yeah, but aren't you worried about the sodomy laws around there?
Cute queer #2: No, not really.
Cute queer #1: My god, why not?
Cute queer #2: I don't think that a fleshlight really counts as sodomy.
Grand Avenue
Saint Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Confused Dyke On The Corner
Sweetie, We're Not Rich Enough for You to Be Eccentric
Little girl to mom: Umbrellas are some of my dearest friends!
Chinese restaurant
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Kids | Missouri | Relationships | Posted 2008-01-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's So Obvious in Retrospect
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: At the bowling alley!
Armor Road
North Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Caesar22
What Happens When You Bribe Them with Lollipops
Two-year-old girl: I want a shot.
Mom: You ain't gettin' no shot.
Two-year-old girl: I want a shot.
Mom: You ain't gettin' no shot. They shootin' your sister today.
Hospital Hill
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: I always wondered what went on in there
Categories: Health & Hygiene | Kids | Missouri | Moms | Posted 2007-12-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
... Bitch
Professor, calling role: Sarah?
Sarah: Here!
Professor: That'll be easy to remember. It was my ex-wife's name.
Sarah: [Looks uncomfortable.]
Professor: But don't worry -- I probably won't hold that against you.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Leia
You Were Supposed to Meet Me There in 1972
Drunk man: Where have you been all my life?
Drunk woman: At the bowling alley!
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: L3Gagneur
I Think We'd Be Married Under Missouri Law
Guy #1: Hey, you know what? You know what? Suck my balls.
Guy #2: What if I just stuck a pot over them and banged it with a wooden spoon?
Canton, Missouri
Overheard by: Lynn
Can It Spank You and Bite Your Nipples? I Think Not.
Nursing instructor, about simulation dummy: Can in blink? Yes. Can it vomit? Yes. Can it urinate? Yes. Can it tell you what hurts? Yes.
Nursing student: Can it take you on a date?
Penn Valley Community College
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Nurse Badass
You're a Very Smart and Talented Individual.
Hot nerd chick: So, I didn't sleep with him. He was just too attractive -- I'd feel self-conscious.
Friend: But hot girls sleep with ugly guys all the time! It's your duty to even the score.
Hot nerd chick: Yeah... Wait, you think I'm ugly?
Joplin, Missouri
Categories: Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Missouri | Philosophy | Posted 2007-11-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Patricia's Been Itchy and Flaky All Week
Girl #1: Don't sit on Lucy, the moose pillow!
Girl #2: You name your pillow?
Guy: That's okay, I name lots of things. The cyst on my neck's name is Doug.
Girls #1 and #2: Um...
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Maureen
He Went on to Become the Nicest Lawyer in Missouri
Girlfriend: Awww, I like this. We should get it.
Boyfriend: What? What 'we'?! I told you, I'm breaking up with you on Monday.
Girlfriend: I know. I mean, I thought you were kidding...
Boyfriend: No! Now that the bar exam is over, I can break up with you and not feel bad about it. Now that the bar is over, I can break up with you and not worry about you failing and me feeling guilty.
Girlfriend: Oh.
Bluestem Crafts
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Categories: Couples | Jerks | Missouri | Relationships | Posted 2007-11-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, "Horticulture" Doesn't Mean What You Think
Angry white boy, motioning at plants: I just wanna pull all o' the fuckin' flowers outta the fuckin' pots!
8th and Walnut Street
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: passing by in a car
I Kinda Shake Myself Like a Wet Dog
Little girl: Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom!
Mom: Okay, well, I don't think there is any toilet paper. You'll have to drip-dry.
Little girl: Okay! I love drip-drying!
St. Louis, Missouri
With a Hint of Schmuck and a Dash of Tool
Blonde, about brunette's fiancé: He's too pretty to be hot.
Brunette: No, he's hot... Just more like douchebag-hot.
Aspenhof Lake
Washington, Missouri
Overheard by: Mandi
Yeah, We Could Tell from Your Liturgy
Chick: Wow, Tyler, you are really drunk.
Drunk guy: Yeah, I've been drinking since church.
Sikeston, Missouri
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Missouri | Posted 2007-10-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Something I'd Much Rather Read About
Drunk girl: You don't read?!
Guy: No. I think you should live life, not read about it in a book.
Drunk girl, slowly: I find that worse than being fucked up the ass.
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Drunks | Missouri | Philosophy | Posted 2007-10-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, There's No One There
Girl, pointing: That kid -- he's my new friend.
Friend: What? That tiny kid?
Girl: Yeah. You said I need a new friend. That kid is my new friend.
Friend: Whatever.
Girl: I think his name is Kyle.
Cosmo Park
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Categories: Bimbettes | Missouri | Names | Relationships | Posted 2007-09-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Yummy Potpourri Potato
Girl #1: I ate this thing... It was, like, a candle. Or a potato.
Girl #2: No, no, it was a potato.
West Junior High School
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
I'd Hoped You'd Be Unhappily Married by Now
Drunk mother to drunk daughter: Your sister is appearing on stage nude and you're living with a lesbian! I raised you girls too liberal!
Chez Charlie's Cocktails
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: MustangSally
Categories: Drunks | Family ties | Gripes | Missouri | Posted 2007-09-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Going to Do Some Interval Training with My Retinas
Blonde tanning at pool: Someone set the alarm for five minutes -- I'm gonna stare at the sun.
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Bimbettes | Missouri | Time Management | Posted 2007-08-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Three Days, He's Unblemished Again
Dude #1: He's real churchy, but emo, too.
Dude #2: Yeah, totally 'What-Would-Jesus-Cut?'
Sikeston, Missouri
Can I Get a Swig?
Hobo: Girl, I know you're a freak! All redheads are freaks!
Brunette hipster pumping gas: Step off. What I do is none of your business.
Hobo: Lady, I'm just talking shit 'cause I'm drunk.
Brunette hipster: Me, too.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: cuspy
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Hipsters | Hobos | Missouri | Posted 2007-07-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Do I Get a Title Like That?
Queer ranting on cell: You pissed your bed, now marinate in it, Mister Magical!
14th Street and Grand Boulevard
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Auds
Categories: Gripes | Missouri | On the phone | Queers | Posted 2007-07-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Think I Should Put on Some Pants?
Drunk guy on cell: Hey, this is Eric*. Just calling to see how you were doing at three in the morning. [To chick passerby] Hey! I saw you tonight at the club!
Angry drunk chick: Get away from me!
Drunk guy on cell, into phone: What the fuck is up with every girl on campus thinking I want to rape them? Just because I'm drunk doesn't mean I'm a fucking pervert.
University of Missouri-Columbia
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Caesar22
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Drunks | Gripes | Missouri | Posted 2007-07-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You're Not Sure What to Bite Off First
Chick to friend: I really thought the chocolate Jesus with the giant dick would sell!
Missouri State University
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Carri Jo
Thanks to the Mylar Diet
Queer #1: Is that pastrami? That was the best pastrami I've ever had.
Queer #2: Did you just ejaculate confetti?
Maryland and Euclid Avenue
St. Louis, Missouri
Necessity Is the Mother of Water-Bottle Bongs
Leader of group of nervous teens: Hey, do you sell rolling papers here... for tobacco?
Convenience store clerk: Sorry, man. We've only got ones for pot.
Noland Road
Independence, Missouri
Overheard by: snickering customer behind them
And That's When I Knew: Motherfucker Was Dead
Woman #1: Motherfucker knew I was wearin' a thong.
Woman #2: Mmm-hmmm.
Woman #1: Motherfucker knew my booty was shakin'.
Woman #2: Mmm-hmmm.
Woman #1: Motherfucker did nothin'.
The Loop
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Gossip | Ladies who lunch | Missouri | Posted 2007-06-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From the Pilot Episode of Ugly Friends
Co-ed: This is just like a Friends episode, except we're all ugly.
Poolside
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Jenn
Categories: Missouri | Philosophy | Students | Posted 2007-06-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And My Health Teacher Was Like, "It's Just a Plastic Model"
Girl: ... And I'm like, 'I don't want to look at my own vagina. Why would I want to look at hers?'
West Junior High School
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Categories: Missouri | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Vagina | Posted 2007-06-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Suggest You Do Further Research
Stoner kid #1: I don't eat anything that used to be alive. Well, except eggs. And hamburger, you know, because of the cows.
Stoner kid #2: And cake!
Stoner kid #1: Yeah, cake.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: The RQ
Fisher-Price Introduces the Backyardigans Butt Plug
Mom gripping three kids by their collars with one hand while pointing with each word at each kid with her other hand: I. Don't. Want. To. Hear. Another. Word. About. Sticking. Something. Up. Your. Asses!
Toy aisle, Wal-Mart
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: keller-wish i'd gotten there fifteen seconds earlier
You Keep Bringing Them Home for Me
Muscle gal: You are such a fuckin' pussy.
Muscle guy: Fuck that, I could take a seven-foot black man.
Muscle gal: Awww, I know.
West County YMCA
St. Louis, Missouri
