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And Letting My Baby Steer
College girl to friend: He's a really scary driver. He'll go fifty on gravel roads. I mean, I go fifty on gravel roads, but only if I'm really, really drunk.
El Rancho
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: RW
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Drinking & drunks | Fears | Girls | Missouri | Sorority types | Posted 2008-06-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Where the Strippers Shit in the Water
Guy #1: So yeah, you can get in the water with them but you can't touch the manatees unless they swim up to you.
Guy #2: Sort of like a strip club.
Bar
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Matt
Categories: Advice | Animals | Bars & Clubs | Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Missouri | Sexuality | Posted 2008-06-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Either Way I Won't Be Able to Get Off Now
Suit #1: I can't believe I've lost them again!
Suit #2: Are we talking about dildos still or the midgets?
McDonald's Parking Lot
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: I wish I heard the first part of this conversation
That Carmen Miranda Costume Will Be Done in No Time!
Woman on cell: Slowly... over the next week... add a fruit.
Barnes & Noble
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Advice | Fruit | Missouri | On the phone | Stores | Time Management | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2008-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So Thanks for Letting Me Into Yale
Hipster guy: Yeah, it probably didn't help that I gave you poison ivy and then threw up on you.
Bar
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Default | Etiquette | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Hipsters | Maladies | Missouri | Relationships | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not Even in Back Bay?
Guy: Yeah, it's like that one time we ended up at the homosexual movie theater.
Girl: They have gay movie theaters?
Guy: Yeah, it's called, like... Homoplex or something.
Girl: We don't even have those in Boston.
Diner
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Guys | Missouri | Movies | Names | Questions | Restaurants | Sexuality | US Geography | Posted 2008-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Really Shouldn't Discriminate Against People Who Try to Kill You
Jewish man: I am not sexist!
Jewish man's friend: You are so sexist Archie Bunker is embarrassed.
Jewish man: I'm not sexist. I'll stab a chick in her junk!
Israeli Martial Arts Class
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Ari
Categories: Class | Compare and contrast | Friends | Gender issues | Jews | Missouri | TV shows | Vagina | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Georgia State Penitentiary?
Freshman #1: So... where is he from?
Freshman #2: He's from the part of Georgia where they ass-rape you.
Washington University
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: New Yorker hopefully about to graduate
Categories: Ass | Colleges & Universities | Guys | Hair | Missouri | Questions | Students | US Geography | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Eventually We Worked Out a Timeshare Situation
Girl: So this girl was like: "I want half your pants!"
Hazelwood West High School
Florissant, Missouri
Overheard by: Melissa
Hey, Loaf Quilting Is the Wave of the Future
Student, discussing a character's problems: It's like he's in between a needle and some bread.
Teacher: ... Do you mean a rock and a hard place?
English Class, Hazelwood West High School
Florissant, Missouri
I'm Turning Inside Out for Halloween
Girl: I think my ribs are double-jointed.
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Categories: Body parts | Default | Fears | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Missouri | Science | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And That Was the Extent of My "Birds and Bees" Talk
Mom holding two tomatoes stuck together: Look, tomato twins!
Daughter: Oh my god! I love them!
Mom: They look like balls! [Laughs] Boy balls! [Walks away].
Daughter: Oh my god.
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Oooh -- And Graphic Intolerance!
Mom: No, that's not an appropriate video, either.
14-year-old son: What about this one? It's Christian. It only has violence in it!
Blockbuster
Liberty, Missouri
Overheard by: blockbuster lurker
How'd Professor Walsh Even Get My Number?
Blonde: So, he calls me drunk at two o'clock in the morning and tells me our relationship has barnacles.
Brunette: What?!
Blonde: He compared our relationship to ship that has barnacles on it!
Brunette: Um...
Blonde: So now I'm like, 'Should I read into this?'
Psych building, Washington University
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Bimbettes | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Missouri | Relationships | Students | Posted 2008-03-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How I Look Forward to Your Wedding Day
Mother to son: One day you will eat blood, and your stomach will say, 'Oh, no, no, no!' and it will come right back up.
Steak & Shake
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Mallory
Categories: Health & Hygiene | Missouri | Moms | Threats | Posted 2008-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Think You'd Be Surprised
Cute queer #1: Yeah, but aren't you worried about the sodomy laws around there?
Cute queer #2: No, not really.
Cute queer #1: My god, why not?
Cute queer #2: I don't think that a fleshlight really counts as sodomy.
Grand Avenue
Saint Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Confused Dyke On The Corner
Sweetie, We're Not Rich Enough for You to Be Eccentric
Little girl to mom: Umbrellas are some of my dearest friends!
Chinese restaurant
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Kids | Missouri | Relationships | Posted 2008-01-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's So Obvious in Retrospect
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: At the bowling alley!
Armor Road
North Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Caesar22
What Happens When You Bribe Them with Lollipops
Two-year-old girl: I want a shot.
Mom: You ain't gettin' no shot.
Two-year-old girl: I want a shot.
Mom: You ain't gettin' no shot. They shootin' your sister today.
Hospital Hill
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: I always wondered what went on in there
Categories: Health & Hygiene | Kids | Missouri | Moms | Posted 2007-12-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
... Bitch
Professor, calling role: Sarah?
Sarah: Here!
Professor: That'll be easy to remember. It was my ex-wife's name.
Sarah: [Looks uncomfortable.]
Professor: But don't worry -- I probably won't hold that against you.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Leia
You Were Supposed to Meet Me There in 1972
Drunk man: Where have you been all my life?
Drunk woman: At the bowling alley!
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: L3Gagneur
I Think We'd Be Married Under Missouri Law
Guy #1: Hey, you know what? You know what? Suck my balls.
Guy #2: What if I just stuck a pot over them and banged it with a wooden spoon?
Canton, Missouri
Overheard by: Lynn
Can It Spank You and Bite Your Nipples? I Think Not.
Nursing instructor, about simulation dummy: Can in blink? Yes. Can it vomit? Yes. Can it urinate? Yes. Can it tell you what hurts? Yes.
Nursing student: Can it take you on a date?
Penn Valley Community College
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Nurse Badass
You're a Very Smart and Talented Individual.
Hot nerd chick: So, I didn't sleep with him. He was just too attractive -- I'd feel self-conscious.
Friend: But hot girls sleep with ugly guys all the time! It's your duty to even the score.
Hot nerd chick: Yeah... Wait, you think I'm ugly?
Joplin, Missouri
Categories: Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Missouri | Philosophy | Posted 2007-11-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Patricia's Been Itchy and Flaky All Week
Girl #1: Don't sit on Lucy, the moose pillow!
Girl #2: You name your pillow?
Guy: That's okay, I name lots of things. The cyst on my neck's name is Doug.
Girls #1 and #2: Um...
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Maureen
He Went on to Become the Nicest Lawyer in Missouri
Girlfriend: Awww, I like this. We should get it.
Boyfriend: What? What 'we'?! I told you, I'm breaking up with you on Monday.
Girlfriend: I know. I mean, I thought you were kidding...
Boyfriend: No! Now that the bar exam is over, I can break up with you and not feel bad about it. Now that the bar is over, I can break up with you and not worry about you failing and me feeling guilty.
Girlfriend: Oh.
Bluestem Crafts
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Categories: Couples | Jerks | Missouri | Relationships | Posted 2007-11-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, "Horticulture" Doesn't Mean What You Think
Angry white boy, motioning at plants: I just wanna pull all o' the fuckin' flowers outta the fuckin' pots!
8th and Walnut Street
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: passing by in a car
I Kinda Shake Myself Like a Wet Dog
Little girl: Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom!
Mom: Okay, well, I don't think there is any toilet paper. You'll have to drip-dry.
Little girl: Okay! I love drip-drying!
St. Louis, Missouri
With a Hint of Schmuck and a Dash of Tool
Blonde, about brunette's fiancé: He's too pretty to be hot.
Brunette: No, he's hot... Just more like douchebag-hot.
Aspenhof Lake
Washington, Missouri
Overheard by: Mandi
Yeah, We Could Tell from Your Liturgy
Chick: Wow, Tyler, you are really drunk.
Drunk guy: Yeah, I've been drinking since church.
Sikeston, Missouri
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Missouri | Posted 2007-10-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Something I'd Much Rather Read About
Drunk girl: You don't read?!
Guy: No. I think you should live life, not read about it in a book.
Drunk girl, slowly: I find that worse than being fucked up the ass.
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Drunks | Missouri | Philosophy | Posted 2007-10-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, There's No One There
Girl, pointing: That kid -- he's my new friend.
Friend: What? That tiny kid?
Girl: Yeah. You said I need a new friend. That kid is my new friend.
Friend: Whatever.
Girl: I think his name is Kyle.
Cosmo Park
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
Categories: Bimbettes | Missouri | Names | Relationships | Posted 2007-09-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Yummy Potpourri Potato
Girl #1: I ate this thing... It was, like, a candle. Or a potato.
Girl #2: No, no, it was a potato.
West Junior High School
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
I'd Hoped You'd Be Unhappily Married by Now
Drunk mother to drunk daughter: Your sister is appearing on stage nude and you're living with a lesbian! I raised you girls too liberal!
Chez Charlie's Cocktails
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: MustangSally
Categories: Drunks | Family ties | Gripes | Missouri | Posted 2007-09-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Going to Do Some Interval Training with My Retinas
Blonde tanning at pool: Someone set the alarm for five minutes -- I'm gonna stare at the sun.
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Bimbettes | Missouri | Time Management | Posted 2007-08-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Three Days, He's Unblemished Again
Dude #1: He's real churchy, but emo, too.
Dude #2: Yeah, totally 'What-Would-Jesus-Cut?'
Sikeston, Missouri
Can I Get a Swig?
Hobo: Girl, I know you're a freak! All redheads are freaks!
Brunette hipster pumping gas: Step off. What I do is none of your business.
Hobo: Lady, I'm just talking shit 'cause I'm drunk.
Brunette hipster: Me, too.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: cuspy
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Hipsters | Hobos | Missouri | Posted 2007-07-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Do I Get a Title Like That?
Queer ranting on cell: You pissed your bed, now marinate in it, Mister Magical!
14th Street and Grand Boulevard
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Auds
Categories: Gripes | Missouri | On the phone | Queers | Posted 2007-07-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Think I Should Put on Some Pants?
Drunk guy on cell: Hey, this is Eric*. Just calling to see how you were doing at three in the morning. [To chick passerby] Hey! I saw you tonight at the club!
Angry drunk chick: Get away from me!
Drunk guy on cell, into phone: What the fuck is up with every girl on campus thinking I want to rape them? Just because I'm drunk doesn't mean I'm a fucking pervert.
University of Missouri-Columbia
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Caesar22
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Drunks | Gripes | Missouri | Posted 2007-07-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You're Not Sure What to Bite Off First
Chick to friend: I really thought the chocolate Jesus with the giant dick would sell!
Missouri State University
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Carri Jo
Thanks to the Mylar Diet
Queer #1: Is that pastrami? That was the best pastrami I've ever had.
Queer #2: Did you just ejaculate confetti?
Maryland and Euclid Avenue
St. Louis, Missouri
Necessity Is the Mother of Water-Bottle Bongs
Leader of group of nervous teens: Hey, do you sell rolling papers here... for tobacco?
Convenience store clerk: Sorry, man. We've only got ones for pot.
Noland Road
Independence, Missouri
Overheard by: snickering customer behind them