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Their Baby Was Born in a Booth at Popeye's
Guy #1: Hey bro, your woman fat?
Guy #2: No. Fuck, man! What you talkin'? She my baby momma, that the baby in her bump!
Guy #3: You sure? She sure look fat to me.
Coralridge Mall
Iowa City, Iowa
Give Me Directions at Your Own Risk
City bus driver, at the beginning of his shift: My name is Bob, I'll be your new bus driver. I'll be taking this bus down University to... some mall. I don't know where we're going, heh. I'm new. I will drive very carefully... unless you piss me off.
Des Moines, Iowa
Translation: That's Lazy Screenwriting
Student: This morning I watched Walker, Texas Ranger. They're always going around talking to Native Americans.
Professor: That's good.
Decorah, Iowa
Henry VIII's Kids Had Some Serious Psychological Issues
Little girl, holding mannequin's hand: Daddy! Daddy! Look!
Dad: Is that your new mommy?
Little girl, singing: No! She doesn't have a head!
Coralville, Iowa
Where Kids from Band Camp End Up: Explained.
Female violinist, after conductor walks past: Do you ever want to slap Dr. Muller*'s ass? Cause I almost just did.
Female cellist: He has a doctorate in orchestral conducting.
Female violinist: And an ass I want to tap right now.
College Orchestra Tour Bus
Clive, Iowa
Can and Will
Orchestra director to French horn player: Can you just stick your fist up in there?
Luther College
Decorah, Iowa
Overheard by: percussionist who snorted like a 12-year-old
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Iowa | Offers and requests | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Okay, You Don't Have to Show Me.
Grandson, watching grandmother hold cigar as if it was a joint: If grandma takes off her bra and burns it, I'm gonna freak out.
Grandma: Oh, Simon! I'm not wearing one.
Spencer, Iowa
That's What You Said About the Tossed Salad!
Guy: This macaroni and cheese tastes like prison.
Davenport, Iowa
Overheard by: Don
Categories: Compare and contrast | Crimes | Food | Guys | Iowa | Posted 2010-01-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Stuck on Your Penis.
Young man to friends: So apparently people get all offended if you walk into the farmers market with a bottle of KY jelly.
Iowa City, Iowa
With a Cardboard Cut-Out Of Him, Anyway
Girl: So all these old football guys showed up...and long story short, she ended up making out. With Terry Bradshaw.
Joe's Place
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: devon
Categories: About celebrities | Bars & Clubs | Girls | Gossip | Iowa | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Posted 2009-06-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And Now She's My Bank Teller!
Angry girl in bank drive-through, on phone: Hey, bitch! That girl you had me with last night? Her cunt tasted like fish!
Bank teller: (speechless)
Coralville, Iowa
Overheard by: KC
And When I Moved They Followed Me, Like Eyes
Hipster to boyfriend: There are certain places that you expect a woman's nipples to be, and hers were not in any of those places.
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
But I Still Don't Understand Those Two Dangly Bits
Girl, on sex-ed: Well, I went to a Catholic school and as a result I didn't know what a penis was until I got to high school.
Guy: I think these middle school girls need psychotherapy before they need birth control. 11-year-olds shouldn't be having sex.
Girl: Girls? Why just the girls? They're having sex with 11-year-old boys. You need something to stick in there in order to get pregnant.
Professor: Well, it looks like you found out what a penis was.
University of Northern Iowa
Cedar Falls, Iowa
Well, It's Two First Names.
Friend #1, totally serious: Wait, who's Ron Paul?
Friend #2, joking: He's an African warlord.
Friend #1, still totally serious: He can't be! Africans don't have real names!
Grinnell College
Grinnell, Iowa
Overheard by: Goron
What Else Is There to Do in Des Moines When It's Dark?
Girl #1: So Gabby's RA was telling her that someone shat on the carpet in the hallway the other night.
Girl #2: Wait, were they drunk or something?
Girl #1: I would think so. It was nighttime.
Drake University
Des Moines, Iowa
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Drinking & drunks | Girls | Iowa | Poop | Questions | Posted 2009-03-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Especially When I Get So Drunk I Make Out with Girls
Butch-looking 20-something: I always have Bud Select, and I know it makes me look so butch.
Femme-looking 20-something: No, I don't think Bud Select is butch...I mean, I drink Bud Select.
Butch-looking 20-something: Yeah, but seriously, I know I look like a lesbian, and the Bud Select doesn't help.
Iowa
Overheard by: I assumed they were on a date
Plus, I'm Pretty
Bawling small girl in grocery store, after not getting what she asked: But, mom, I'm crying really hard!
Ingersoll Avenue
Des Moines, Iowa
I Know What You Did Last Sundae Was an Instant Box Office Smash
Little girl: I don't want ice cream, daddy. Know why, daddy? (in a demonic voice) Because it's evil!
Grinnell, Iowa
Overheard by: Jake
I Have Them Washed and Brought to My Tent
Girl, joking: I love when girls are walking around drunk with eye makeup smeared around their faces.
Guy: Yeah, those are the ones I try to take home.
Girl: What?
Guy: Do you really think I go around looking for girls with good personalities?
Iowa City, Iowa
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Drinking & drunks | Fashion | Girls | Guys | Iowa | Questions | Sexuality | Posted 2008-12-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Any of Them Could Win America's Most Smartest Model
Mom to child: Do you know what that is, honey?
Child: No.
Mom: That's a mannequin.
Child (giggling): It doesn't have a head!
Mom: That's right. None of them do!
Iowa City, Iowa
And Nobody in the State Is That Color
Girl to waitress: So the baby's a cute little bugger. They don't know who he looks like yet.
Olive Garden
Davenport, Iowa
Overheard by:
...And Boy Are My Arms Tired!
Hootchie #1: Yeah, we just got back from a dildo party.
Hootchie #2: And we smell like two-dollar hookers!
Des Moines, Iowa
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Hoochies | Iowa | Money | Sensory experiences | Toys | Posted 2008-10-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Teacher: Every Damn Day I Try To Ditch That Chick At The Corner
Distressed girl in dining hall: Her questions go in a circle, then down to the corner and back. Except the teacher thinks they come all the way back but no, they don't. I'm still down at the corner thinking to myself, "Where the fuck am I?!"
Cornell College, Iowa
And P.S.- You Might Want to Wash Your Face
Frat boy: Hypothetically speaking, if you were on your period, would you invite a guy to go home with you? Like, if it was your third day and you weren't having a very heavy flow?
Sorority girl: Justin, this doesn't sound very hypothetical.
University of Iowa Library
Iowa City, Iowa
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Default | Frat boy types | Girls | Guys | Iowa | Offers and requests | Questions | Sex | Sorority types | Posted 2008-07-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Considering Reaching Out to Her With a Fifty Caliber Rifle
Man #1: How's your wife?
Man #2: How should I know?
Man #1: What do you mean: "How should I know?"? She's your wife! Don't you talk to her?
Man #2: Not since she got the restraining order on me.
Huxley, Iowa
Overheard by: Hondo
They Told Me to Say That, but Never Trained Me
Grocery store clerk: Did you find everything you were looking for today?
Customer: Yep.
Clerk: Oh good. The last woman said she didn't, and I had no idea what to say. So I just looked at her and kind of shrugged my shoulders. She got so mad.
Customer: Then why do you ask?
Clerk: To be polite.
HyVee
Fort Dodge, Iowa
And If I Eat That I Get a Rash
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Patient: Yes, nuts!
Doctor: What happens when you ingest nuts?
Patient: They come out whole in my poop!
Waterloo, Iowa
But It Was a Planned Incarceration
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can't believe we are not hanging out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you're supposed to be hanging out with me. We never hang out anymore and we are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were supposed to hang out this past Saturday and Sunday but we didn't! You were not fucking there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Muthafucker you were in jail!
Bus
Iowa State University, Iowa
Overheard by: Casey
Categories: Bus | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Couples | Crimes | Euphemisms | Fat people | Girls | Gripes | Guys | Hoochies | Iowa | Leisure | Relationships | Posted 2008-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wait, It's Fall? How Long Was I Playing That Wii?
Boyfriend, looking around suspiciously: ... It smells funny...
Girlfriend: It's the outside!
Webster City, Iowa
Overheard by: Phoebe
Categories: Compare and contrast | Couples | Default | Girls | Guys | Iowa | Sensory experiences | Threats | Posted 2008-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Pickings Seem to Be Slim in Iowa
College girl #1: So I met up with Jeremy last night.
College girl #2: Ah, the one with the small penis. Wait... No, Adam has the small dick. Jeremy's the bad kisser, right?
College girl #1: To be fair, they're both bad kissers. But yeah, Adam's the one with the small dick.
Coffee shop
Iowa City, Iowa
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Bimbettes | Chicks | Compare and contrast | Default | Friends | Gossip | Iowa | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Penis | Sexuality | Students | Posted 2008-04-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Surely Mrs. Clinton Has More to Say Than That
Guy: All I heard was, 'Blah, blah, blah, I'm a dirty tramp.'
Los Portales
Iowa City, Iowa
Overheard by: girl at next table
Why "How Are You?" Can Be a Dangerous Question
Dude: I've been soiling myself for four days playing Guitar Hero.
Drake University
Des Moines, Iowa
Categories: Cleanliness | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Gadgets | Idiots | Iowa | Posted 2008-02-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Thinks, Therefore I Is
English student #1: Girl, don't even tell me you was where you was, 'cause you wasn't there!
English student #2: Foo'! Don't be tellin' me where I is and where I isn't! I is where I is at!
927 Franklin Street
Iowa
Overheard by: grammer teachah
Actually, They're Only Perfect If She Blows
Blonde: Even though he had already made a trail of hickies around my neck, he was apparently still in the sucking mood, because then he stole my lollipop!
Friend: That's so not cool. He's such a suck-o-holic!
Blonde: Seriously! I'm beginning to think there isn't anything he won't suck.
Passerby: Well, then you're perfect for each other, because I've heard the same thing about you.
Mt. Vernon, Iowa
Overheard by: Abby
He's Part Woodpecker
Sorority chick, from across room: Hey, do you wanna go steady?
Frat guy: Sure, when?
Sorority chick: I dunno... Let me ask my boyfriend and get back to you.
Frat guy: Sweet. Just as long as I get to tap that.
Iowa
Overheard by: confused and disgusted
Categories: Frat boy types | Iowa | Relationships | Sorority types | Posted 2007-12-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In That He Told God Everything
Kid #1: ... And so, there is an alpha male among rats--
Kid #2, interrupting: --Jesus Christ was a rat!
City High School
Iowa
And See Them from the Inside
Drunk guy to drunk girl: If any of these guys see your boobies tonight and I don't, I'll slit your throat!
Maple Lanes Bowling Alley
Cedar Falls, Iowa
There Are Jews in Iowa?
20-something guy: I am not looking forward to this party we're hosting. It?s going to be a bunch of underage frat boys, an orthodox Jew, and some crazy chick I used to fuck.
Ames, Iowa
Driven People Get Stuck with People Who Can't Hurry
Nine-year-old to his little sister: I have to get my grandma her milk. I have to go all the way out to the West Side, and I'm low on gas. You need to hurry your ass up!
University and East 9th
Des Moines, Iowa
We're Roommates
Bartender: You again? I see you everywhere -- you're like a sewer rat.
Drunk guy: Well, I am an alcoholic.
Cedar Falls, Iowa
Overheard by: doe
Categories: Bartenders | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Iowa | Posted 2007-07-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Fantasized He Was Stuart Little
Chick: He was so short and cute -- it was like having sex with a pre-Parkinson's Michael J. Fox!
Caribou Coffee
Des Moines, Iowa
So I'm Just Going to Assume It's Jesse Jackson
Lady #1: ... And I don't even know who the daddy is!
Lady #2: That's hilarious!
B. Dalton - College Square Mall
Cedar Falls, Iowa
Overheard by: Darcy
Categories: Iowa | Ladies who lunch | Parenting | Pregnancy | Posted 2007-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Pretty Much How It Works
Old lady: Wouldn't it be nice if we could just stay as we were and then wake up one day and be dead?
Assisted living center
Iowa
Categories: Death & dying | Iowa | Old folks | Posted 2007-04-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Girl Squirrel: Oh No She Didn't!
Angry chick: Why did God create men? They're stupid!
Friend: 'Cause we need their sperm to procreate.
Angry chick: Well, he could've just had us fuck squirrels instead. I dunno...
Friend: What?!
Angry chick: Eh... It's better than the alternative! They're sooo damn cute!
Friend: Oh, wow.
Iowa
Overheard by: ewww
Categories: Animals | Creepsters | Iowa | Sex | Posted 2007-04-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
