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Portrait Of the Attention Whore As a Young Man
Little boy, dressed as a firefighter, looking at picture of a raccoon: That's a raccoon! I shoot raccoons! With a gun! Look at my boots!
Wheaton, Illinois
Overheard by: Emlyn
How Schoolhouse Rock Was Born
Girl: I feel rather drunk at this conjuncture!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Character | Drinking & drunks | Feelings | Girls | Illinois | Posted 2011-06-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or to Have Palin As Our Number Two
Boyfriend to girlfriend: It is my sole wish not to have to go number two tonight.
Obama Rally
Chicago, Illinois
God, You're So Competitive, Jason!
Ditzy woman: It would look more like Australia if it was an island, because Australia is an island... right?
Ditzy woman's daughter: I think that's the smartest thing that's ever been said in my presence.
Ditzy woman: Well, somebody in this family has to be brilliant.
Four-year-old boy: Dogs are kinda like vampires because they both have pointy teeth.
Harrisburg, Illinois
Why Google Exists.
Fashionable girl on cell: Do you think you can catch pink eye from getting poop in your eye?
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Girls | Health & Hygiene | Illinois | On the phone | Poop | Questions | Posted 2011-06-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Last Lecture Will Be Difficult to Top, Professor
Guy to others: There had better be another exploding chicken!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
...And Nobody Bakes Like the Jews, Am I Right, Avi?
Guy in leopard-print cowboy hat to woman holding homemade desserts and guy in yarmulke: I've been eating nothing but crap all week and every time I say I don't want to eat anymore! Someone put a brownie in front of me!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Burbgirl
Categories: Food | Gripes | Guys | Illinois | Offers and requests | Posted 2011-06-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which He Clearly Doesn't Have.
Girl #1: Jimmy Kimmel has narcolepsy.
Boy: Is that the one where you read from right to left?
Girl #2: No, that's Hebrew.
Loyola University
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Kate
Lucky!
Girl #1: Hey, are you going to use the bathroom?
Girl #2: Oh, no... I have a urinary tract infection, so I can't pee.
Loyola University
Chicago, Illinois
Chicago Has Two Types Of Bears, Ma'am
Guy #1: I loved the way you fucked me last night.
Guy #2: I can't wait to do it again, tonight.
Guy #1: Mmmm, I'm getting hot just thinking about it.
Annoyed woman sitting in front of them: You two fools do realize everyone on the bus can hear you, don't you?
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: CTA bus rider
The Ultra-boring Game Show Prickle Factor Was Canceled After Just One Episode.
Guy#1: I just don't like shaved vaginas. They creep me out. I got down there and I was like "Oh"!
Guy#2: Yeah, you have the prickle factor.
Guy#1: There was no prickle factor...
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Josh
Argh, Is It Back to Work Already?
Drunk guy, spotting friend on street on New Year's Eve: Dude, hi! What day is it?
Friend, also drunk: Uh, Friday.
Drunk guy: Monday! You and me and a mountain of weed!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Terry B
Even Though They Put the "Ass" in Potassium?
Guy: I'm going to sneeze!
Girl, getting in his face: Think about bananas! Think about bananas! You won't sneeze.
Religion professor: Just like thinking about bananas won't get you pregnant...
College
Rock Island, Illinois
Overheard by: I like bananas....
When One Partner Wants to Have "The Talk," It Just Fucking Happens
Man on cell on train: No, I told you nothing's wrong, I'm just tired. (very long pause) No, nothing's wrong. We don't need to have a talk. (long pause) No, I told you, nothing's wrong. I'm on the train. (very long pause, then annoyed) Do you want to make that pasta tonight? That sounds like fun.
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Food | Illinois | On the phone | Public transportation | Relationships | Posted 2011-01-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Corvette?
Father: Did you hear about how McCain called his wife the c-word in front of a bunch of reporters?
Daughter: Well, in fairness to him, she probably is one.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
I'm All, "Fuck the Planet, Let's Party!"
Guy: Trust me, I'm a gay scientist!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Jose's My Drug Dealer
Disheveled suit on cell: Hey, I've decided to go home and start drinking. (pause) Yeah, I think Jim, Jack, and Jose can help me work through my problems.
River North
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Illinois | Names | On the phone | Suits | Posted 2010-10-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ad: Kathleen Turner Is... Bendy Vadge, P.I.!
Loud, stoned, drunk guy on train: Dude, I totally saw Melissa pee standing up before.
Loud, stoned, drunk girl: That is impossible! Seriously, that doesn't even make any sense! You'd get piss all over your leg!
Loud, stoned, drunk guy: No way, I saw her just take one leg out of her pants and prop it up against a tree, and it just shot down! She didn't get any anywhere!
Loud, stoned, drunk girl: Do you even understand female anatomy?! It doesn't work the same way as you! We can't do that! Melissa didn't do that!
Loud, stoned, drunk guy: Dude, if you can't pee standing up, then you've just got a bendy vag.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Wizzbiff
Categories: Body parts | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Girls | Guys | Illinois | Pee | Stoners | Train | Vagina | Posted 2010-10-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
9 Out Of 10 Dentists Disapprove Of Their Relationship
Guy: I was really pissed off. Then you bit me on the shoulder. Three times.
Girl: (laughs hysterically)
DePaul University
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: University Peon
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Guys | Illinois | Violence | Posted 2010-10-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Those Are the Choices?
Blue collar guy on lunch break: Does she use a strap-on or does she have something that pops out like a turtle head?
Northwestern Law School
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: What a Horrible Visual
They Make Their Own Mayonnaise
Drunk girl: I love the boners that sound like sandwiches! Boner on wheat, boner on rye... That's pretty much it.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Compare and contrast | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Food | Illinois | Posted 2010-09-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Is the Gist Of My Anthropology Paper.
Bro: We don't put shaving cream on our dicks, we put it on our faces.
Illinois State University
Overheard by: Eddy
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Frat boy types | Health & Hygiene | Illinois | Penis | Posted 2010-09-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And the Hendersons
Finely bearded man, loudly and distinctly among crowd: Big. Hairy. Ballsack.
University of Illinois
Overheard by: Kelsey
Or Whatever This Is in My Eye
16-year-old: Mom, if you don't have herpes, why'd I find Valtrex in your purse?
Mother, seriously: I got Valtrex from the eye doctor for my yeast infection, Kim*.
Illinois
Categories: Body parts | Health & Hygiene | Illinois | Moms | Parenting | STDs | Teens | Posted 2010-09-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Exactly.
20-something girlfriend, pointing at "exit only--do not enter" sign: I should tattoo that on my butt.
20-something boyfriend: But then you would be single.
Lincoln Park
Chicago, Illinois
What With the Muffin Top, Camel Toe, and Side Ponytail
Guy to girl: You just give off that vibe that says "make fun of me!"
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: marisawin
Dude, I Still Haven't Forgiven You for the Tijuana Debacle
Man describing play: You've never seen anything better then two sock puppets diddling each other.
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Compare and contrast | Guys | Illinois | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Do I Always Gotta Be the Burrito Holder?
Dude: Hold this burrito, I gotta take my clothes off.
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Clothes | Food | Guys | Illinois | Offers and requests | Posted 2010-08-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Always Show Me Up, Peggy
Whiny-voiced 20-something: My period showed up two days early and ruined my weekend plans with that guy I was seeing.
20-something with baby: My period showed up two weeks late, stuck me with this, and ruined my life. Pass me one of those shirts in a medium?
Springfield, Illinois
Overheard by: Katie F
You Can't Make This Shit Up.
Dude at bar: So wait, after her husband left her here by herself--completely shitfaced--she then fucked a total stranger in the bathroom?
Bartender: Yep.
Dude at bar: And then she came back out here bragging about getting banged in the ass?
Gay dude, sidling up: Sounds like an awesome night.
District Bar
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Big D
Categories: Backdoor | Bars & Clubs | Bartenders | Bragging | Gossip | Guys | Illinois | Queers | Relationships | Sex | Posted 2010-08-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Next Stop: "Placenta Brain"
Bride-to-be: Oh my god! I'm totally getting wedding-day head!
Friend: Oooh! Is that like before the ceremony or after?
Bride-to-be: Huh?
Groomsman: Does the groom get some head too?
Friend: Hell no! That shit stops once they're married!
Bride-to-be: What? Oh my god, you guys! I meant I'm getting nervous!
Chicago, Illinois
Wouldn't That Require the Right to Bear Arms?
Pleasant English lady in line at checkout: Whoever invented all these human rights should be shot!
Scott Air Force Base
St. Clair County, Illinois
Overheard by: Ninjamedic
Presenting: the Difference Between Straight and Really Straight
Guy #1, wiping sweat off forehead: Dude, if we hook up with any o' these broads tonight, there's no way we could go down on them.
Guy #2, slamming rest of his drink: Well, maybe you wouldn't. Personally, I don't mind a little gravy on the roast beef.
Guy #1: Jesus, that's fuckin' sick, man! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Six Degrees Bar
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Big D
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Comebacks | Drinking & drunks | Food | Guys | Illinois | Insults | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Questions | Posted 2010-08-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If Aesop Wrote Fables in Chicago
Woman: I wish I hadn't had hooters for breakfast!
Fitting Room
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Grasshoppers Always Think They're Cooler Than Ants
20-something suit: They act like they are advancing and getting ahead just because they are always on time. I said "whatever, I'm still cooler than you."
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: An overachiever
Categories: Compare and contrast | Illinois | Suits | Time Management | Posted 2010-08-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Is That in the Rules Somewhere?
Girl #1 to guy: Oh, shut up! Be nice to me! I'm marrying your brother! Which means I'm gonna be like your sister!
Girl #2 to guy: Which means you won't be able to have sex with her anymore!
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Compare and contrast | Family ties | Girls | Guys | Illinois | Relationships | Sex | Posted 2010-08-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...After Every Meal!
Little old lady to another as they part ways: Have a pleasant day, and don't forget to google!
Little old lady #2: What?
Little old lady #1: Google!
Union Station
Chicago, Illinois
What Are You Doing in Community College?
Black guy: Hey! What country you from?
Asian girl: Um... America?
Black guy: You look Chinese.
Asian girl: I am?
Community College
Godfrey, Illinois
Overheard by: M
Categories: Asians | Black people | Colleges & Universities | Illinois | Questions | Race | Posted 2010-06-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Haven't You Seen America's Next Top Muslim?
Guy on cell: Or maybe Mohammad is just less photogenic than Jesus.
Hyde Park
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Anya
Categories: Compare and contrast | Guys | Illinois | Jesus | On the phone | Religion | Posted 2010-06-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Happens After Every NAMBLA Convention
Mom to eight-year-old son: Do you want pizza tonight?
Son: No! I can't eat that, I just got pregnant!
Naperville, Illinois
No More Babysitting for You, Suzanne.
Nerdy girl to Asian friend: I mean, it was pathetic. I could've had my top off and had a sign around my neck that said "free blowjobs" and they wouldn't have noticed. They were all crowded around Mike watching him play Pokemon.
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Asians | BJs | Body parts | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Friends | Games | Illinois | Posted 2010-06-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I Didn't Back Up Over It. That's Gay.
English major #1: So, I totally ran over a snake today.
English major #2: Was it an anaconda?
English major #1: I don't know... It was a snake!
English major #3: Was it a grass snake?
English major #2: Was it a trouser snake?
English major #1: Yes. I ran over a penis.
Southern Illinois University
Edwardsville, Edwardsville, Illinois
Overheard by: M
Categories: Animals | Colleges & Universities | Illinois | Penis | Students | Posted 2010-06-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Marijuana Wouldn't Be Any Fun Without It.
History professor: In New York the exit signs are red. They're like, "Fire! Get out!" In California the exit signs are green. They're like, "Dude, if you wanna get out, cool. If you like fire, if that's your thing, that's okay, too."
Aurora, Illinois
Categories: Compare and contrast | Illinois | Teachers | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dude, When You Go to Work You're Totally Gonna Shit
High school freshman #1: Sometimes I wish I didn't live somewhere so industrialized. Why can't I live somewhere where people are hunters and gatherers?
High school freshman #2: I know, we waste so much time in school getting an "education." I could learn so much more out in the world.
High school freshman #1: Yeah, and I don't understand why people go to work and shit.
Train Station
Chicago, Illinois
"Ethics Of Video Games?" Excuse Us.
Ethics of video games professor: And that's why they stoned women in the middle ages. Brunette, whispering: I think he gets off on video games.
Blonde, whispering: Ham?
Brunette, whispering: Him!
Blonde, whispering: I am not a ham!
(both girls start laughing)
Professor: Excuse me?
DePaul University
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Margo
You Can't Get a Job Without Experience You Can Only Get from a Job
Guy #1: I was the second person she ever had sex with.
Guy #2: What!?
Guy #1: I know! And it freaked me out! So I never called her again!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Big B
Categories: Assholes | Illinois | Relationships | Sex | Sexuality | Posted 2010-04-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sometimes It's a Good Time, Sometimes It's a Good Story
Woman #1, as bus passes bar: See that bar? There's another location closer to the lake. My dad and I went there for a beer right after I first moved here. I felt something brush my leg and I looked down and saw a rat! I swear, it was a foot and a half long!
Woman #2: Oh my god! What did you do?
Woman #1: Oh, it was crazy. The owner disappeared upstairs and came back with a baseball bat but by that time the rat was hiding between the bar and the wall. So he runs off again and comes back with a blowtorch! It's like, 'helloooo, this whole bar is made of wood!"
Woman #2: So what happened?
Woman #1: They took my address and that Monday I got a bouquet of flowers. For not freaking out, I guess. I dunno. I've never been back...
Chicago, Illinois
The Character Was So Lifelike
Older lady: Heath Ledger was The Joker? Boy, I never would have guessed that!
Movie Theater
Champaign-Urbana, Illinois
Categories: About celebrities | Illinois | Movies | Old folks | Posted 2010-04-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
God Bless Chicago.
Train conductor: For those of you who had too much to drink, could you please wake up long enough to present your ticket?
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Conductors | Drinking & drunks | Illinois | Offers and requests | Posted 2010-03-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...To Cut Coke with
Girl #1: So I unplugged the phone before I left, so the school can't call my mom to say I'm not at school.
Girl #2: Oh, that's pretty smart.
Girl #1: I also took my dad's credit card.
Train
Chicago, Illinois
When Nerds Have Sex Dreams
Guy on cell: My rocket scientist shows up, she's drunk! But she's capable.
Cafe
Champaign, Illinois
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Compare and contrast | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Illinois | On the phone | Posted 2010-02-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some Girls Need Extra Nuts on Their Hot Fudge Sundae
Girl to boyfriend: By the way, I'm cheating on you.
Edwardsville, Illinois
Overheard by: M
Categories: Comebacks | Couples | Illinois | Infidelity | Posted 2010-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But With a World-Class Shitty Attitude
Girl #1: Now, you're a native New Yorker. I can tell.
Girl #2: I'm from North Carolina.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Compare and contrast | Girls | Illinois | Stupidity | Posted 2010-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Also, He's a Cocker Spaniel.
Pilot, on PA system, after a slightly bumpy landing: Ladies and gentlemen, that landing was not me or the plane. That was our co-pilot--he's required to complete one landing a month. And he blew it. Welcome to Chicago.
Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Nonplussed Passenger
Categories: Compare and contrast | Illinois | Pilots | Plane | Stupidity | Posted 2010-02-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Prison Pretty Much Takes Care Of That, Anyway.
Teacher: So... then, what should happen to the guy?
Student #1: I think he should be sent to jail.
Student #2: I think that since he killed his neighbor, he should have to be killed himself. Get the death penalty. Ya know... "eye for an eye".
Student #3: That's the stupidest thing in the world. It doesn't work in all situations.
Student #2: Yes it does! Let's say some guy molests a kid, then the guy should... (pause) Ok... Nevermind.
High School
Illinois
Categories: Compare and contrast | Crimes | Illinois | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sex | Students | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2010-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Kidneys Will Take That Under Advisement
Man: You don't need that booze!
Woman: I know, but I'm getting it.
Man: Just don't drink the fun out of it.
Edwardsville, Illinois
Overheard by: M
Categories: Advice | Drinking & drunks | Illinois | Women | Posted 2010-02-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why the Gays Should Run the World
Delightfully gay and snarky flight attendant: Now, ladies, I am impressed with your Louis Vuitton and your coach. I adore your Prada and your Gucci. They are beautiful. But I will be more impressed with all of your bags if you stow them under the seat while we are landing. Now sit back and shut up.
(five minutes later, while plane is taxiing)
Delightfully gay and snarky flight attendant: We are finally here. So please, exit the plane a lot quicker than you boarded it. (plane stops, parks at gate) Get out.
Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Airports & flights | Compliments | Fashion | Flight attendants | Grumpies | Illinois | Offers and requests | Queers | Posted 2010-01-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Every Soap Opera, in a Nutshell.
Guy #1: Hey man, how've you been?
Guy #2: Aren't you supposed to be dead?
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Death & dying | Guys | Illinois | Memory lane | Questions | Posted 2010-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Crap You Write Proves You Don't Listen to Me
Professor: My job is pretty sweet. All I have to do is show up and talk about something I'm interested in. How sweet is that? It would be even better if I didn't hate all of you.
Columbia College
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Education | Feelings | Gripes | Grumpies | Illinois | Jobs & Careers | Teachers | Posted 2010-01-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Always Thought a Zeppoli Was That Big Machine on Ice Rinks
Guy: Yeah, this woman over at the Sun-Times building used to make this focaccia bread for us, it was great. But she was Italian-American though, she didn't know, she didn't even know what a cannoli was!
Friend: What!?
Guy: Yeah! And, like, zeppoli, she didn't know what a zeppoli was either! And those are like the two big things, y'know?
Friend: Oh, man!
Guy: That's what happens! That's what happens when you mix up the blood!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: SOB: Stale Off the Boat
But I'll Ask That the Contract Be Written on Recycled Paper
Greenpeace canvasser: Hey! Want to save some trees?
Lady: I don't have time right now. I have to go get rid of a man by divorcing him.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Deana
Categories: Illinois | Questions | Relationships | Strangers | Time Management | Women | Posted 2010-01-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Not Get Two Whores and Make a Sandwich?
Drunk man to another: I don't know if I should get a sandwich or a fucking whore...
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Compare and contrast | Drunks | Food | Illinois | Sex | Posted 2010-01-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Identifying Your Feelings Is an Important First Step.
Huge guy with a Mohawk: It worries me that I can't smell my deodorant.
Grocery Store
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Deana
Categories: Guys | Health & Hygiene | Illinois | Sensory experiences | Stores | Posted 2010-01-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Hot That Sounds Depends on How Horny You Are
Nerd guy: Did you get a haircut?
Indie girl: No. Why?
Nerd guy: Your bangs are on the other side.
Indie girl: Oh, I didn't shower today.
Godfrey, Illinois
Overheard by: M
After MC Skat Kat, Paula Abdul's Career Went Into the Toilet
Student: What's "scat"?
Professor: Poop.
Student: Oh, shit!
Godfrey, Illinois
Overheard by: M
...Boobies Don't Make You Gag??
Gay professor: He's saying, "I like men and women," and I'm like, "Ew!"
Godfrey, Illinois
Overheard by: M
The Mormon Missionaries Were Only Too Happy to Obey
Female college student: Why are you wearing underwear? I don't wear underwear. I'm a dancer. You are not a dancer. What are you even doing here? You're not a real dancer. You're an elf. And you're going to wear panties like an elf.
Chicago, Illinois
Her Boyfriend Is Willing to Stick It in Any Cavity
Girl #1: I had to go to the dentist, and I spent over a million dollars!
Girl #2: Oh my god, what did you have done?
Girl #3: She had a dick removed from her mouth.
Peoria, Illinois
Overheard by: Allison
And You Often Get Out Of Limos with No Underwear on
Guy #1: I think you'd make a great Paris Hilton.
Guy #2: I do have a very womanly figure.
Guy #1: And you're a whore.
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: About celebrities | Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Guys | Illinois | Sexuality | Posted 2009-12-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yes, Yes and Yes
Professor: What do you think my fantasy is?
Student: Armpit sex... in a park. No, wait. Menage a trois. All-male in a... ballroom?
Godfrey, Illinois
Though Not As Shitty As If You Had Rampant Syphilis. Trust Me.
Biology professor: This Friday I'm going to talk about STIs, and you're all going to have a shitty weekend.
Alton, Illinois
Overheard by: M
Not the Worst Pick-Up Line We've Ever Heard...
Guy: If I bought a handgun I would name it "Lady Boner."
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
That's What You Said About the Guy Who Was Blowing You Yesterday
Policewoman: I seen you beggin'. You don't know that guy, but he gave you money.
Hobo: Sweetness, sweetness, listen. That's my brother.
Policewoman: You have a white brother?
Hobo: My brother in Christ.
Urbana, Illinois
Categories: Cops | Family ties | Hobos | Illinois | Jesus | Money | Panhandling | Questions | Race | Posted 2009-11-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which, Coincidentally, Is Also K-Mart's Primary Demographic
Woman loading mini van outside K-Mart: I hate mini vans, the only people that need mini vans are old people, white people, crackheads, and people who need 'em.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Rebecca
...Even Though It Sounds Like It Could Be a Muslim Name.
Flight attendant: Just for future reference, when flying into O'Hare, Xanax is your friend.
O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: NeededSome
Categories: Advice | Airports & flights | Flight attendants | Health & Hygiene | Illinois | Public Transportation | Posted 2009-11-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, When the Penis Is Erect and the Vagina Is Lubricated...
Gangsta guy: So Brenda had sex with her cousin, but didn't know it was her cousin.
Woman: How do you do that?!
DePaul University
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Illinois | Questions | Sex | Thugs | Women | Posted 2009-11-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's the Last Time I'll Give Her Something for Safekeeping
Bro to friend: Well, that's in your sister's vagina, so I don't know how you feel about that.
High School
Illinois
Overheard by: Chloe
Categories: Family ties | Feelings | Friends | Illinois | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Vagina | Posted 2009-11-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some Stories Are Too Disturbing, Even for Trained Shrinks
Burly guy: When I saw Titanic six times, I sat right in the front.
Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Why Professors Rarely Ask Students to Introduce Themselves on the First Day Of Class Anymore
Nerd: I don't know about you, but I have trouble being romantic when I'm sweating to death.
Community College
Illinois
Overheard by: adderall driven
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Feelings | Illinois | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-11-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Happy to Help, Dear Reader
Girl: Dude, Wikipedia "Rasputin" and ctrl+f "penis."
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
...Let Me Hear the Rest Of That
Jailbait to friends: I just hate being handled, you know?
Giggly friend: Ew!
Jailbait: No, I mean, like... (trails off)
Construction worker, softly, to himself: Oh please, god...
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: do not want
Is There an Appropriate One?
Crazy lady yelling at bus stop sign: I wish someone would rape me in an inappropriate way!
Chicago, Illinois
Like Amniotic Fluid, Cigarette Smoke, and Misspent Youth.
Girl: Everything I touch smells like Britney Spears, but in a bad way.
Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: About celebrities | Compare and contrast | Girls | Illinois | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-10-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
God, You're Deep.
Bleached blonde, looking at hair dye: Oh! This is totally my hair color!
Brunette: No, it's not.
Bleached blonde: Well, it would be... If it changed.
Roscoe, Illinois
Overheard by: Dumbfounded Beauty Advisor
...As This 45-Minute Presentation Will Demonstrate.
Physicist: Elise has a quantum ass. It's either big or real big. Depending on what pants she wears.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: change
...We've Reached the Train Hub.
Conductor, over intercom: Rub-a-dub-dub!
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Conductors | Illinois | Public Transportation | Stupidity | Posted 2009-10-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Not Quite a Haiku, Eric.
Guy: My favorite thing about Halle Berry is her vagina.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Shlange
Categories: About celebrities | Compare and contrast | Guys | Illinois | Vagina | Posted 2009-10-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Here's the Chart
Biology professor: You're getting me all nervous about my penis... Which I measure daily.
Community College
Illinois
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Illinois | Penis | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2009-10-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Clean Up the Blood Again
Girl #1: So my mom is getting married to that guy she met on the internet.
Girl #2: Internet? He might be a serial killer!
Girl #1: Yeah, but she lives in Florida, so at least I don't have to hear about it.
Bathrooms
Cinema, Illinois
Categories: Family ties | Girls | Illinois | Internet | Murder | Parenting | Relationships | Restroom | Posted 2009-10-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Stop Eating Those Cheetos!
Girl in puffy pink coat: I went to Jared's yesterday and I was all like, "you're a jerk." Know what I mean?
Girl in puffy white coat: I dunno. My nails are orange.
Illinois institute
Overheard by: abbie
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Illinois | Insults | Stupidity | Posted 2009-10-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Being a Looney Tune Is a Thankless Job
Female student, having side conversation: I'm always getting hit by pianos!
Columbia College
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Illinois | Students | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Whether They Like It or Not!
20-something guy: I'm gonna buff the shit out of my nails!
Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Body parts | Guys | Illinois | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From How to Make a Straight Man Mince
Girl: Yeah, I dipped his junk in pie.
Wesleyan Residence Hall
Illinois
Overheard by: Confused Resident
That, or the Mescaline Is Finally Kicking In.
Man with Mohawk on cell: Okay, so I'm not technically the father but there are 27 baby boa constrictors over here that all have Mohawks.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: cgt
Categories: Animals | Family ties | Guys | Hair | Illinois | On the phone | Parenting | Posted 2009-09-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You'll Never Graduate Cum Laude at This Rate
High school punk #1: "Fluids" sounds better.
High school punk #2: I don't like fluids.
High school punk #1: And that's why you're flunking band!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: SaraG(as in gee, I wonder what THAT means...)
Hey, It's Ms. Pac-Man-- I'm Not Gay.
Guy to stranger: Is it just me, or is that guy jerking off to Pac-Man?
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
That Works More Often Than You'd Think
Crazy hobo: I like your hair.
Girl: Thanks.
Crazy hobo: Can I have it?
Girl: No, it's mine.
Crazy hobo: Oh, okay.
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Compliments | Crazies | Girls | Hair | Hobos | Illinois | Offers and requests | Posted 2009-08-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, I Guess It Depends What He'd Eaten That Day
Female diner #1: I mean, he was awesome. He had a lifeguard body. If he shit, I would eat it.
Female diner #2: (pushes food away)
O'Callaghan's
Chicago, Illinois
Not Even a Semi? You Disappoint Me.
Professor: Here's a good thing to compare to the turgor pressure in a plant cell: have any of you seen an erection?
University of Illinois at Chicago
Overheard by: suddenly paying attention
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Education | Erections | Illinois | Questions | Science | Students | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
While Jabbering Breathless Nonsense Into My Bluetooth Headset
Young woman with cute hair to friends: I like to run through the field and play with my hair!
Lakeside Park
Chicago, Illinois
We Love This Kid
Mother, to four-year-old daughter looking at birthday party decorations: What kind of birthday party do you want, honey? Princess? Dora?
Four-year-old daughter: Red.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Sarah
Only in the Holodeck, Though.
Proud girl: Ever since I gave up drinking, I have been drinking so much wine.
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Girls | Illinois | Pride | Stupidity | Posted 2009-07-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not to Mention Bourbon Sprawl
Teacher: Does anyone know how many people live in Chicago?
Student: I think it's like 7 million.
Teacher, looking at student awkwardly: I'm not quite sure it's that many.
Student: Well, that's not counting all the proverbs...
College
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Julie
Some People's Dirty Talk Should Be Confined to the Bedroom
Girl on cell: I have midterms! I don't have time to go to the fat lady with the lollipop! (pause) Buh-bye.
Roosevelt University
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: morgz
Categories: Candy | Education | Girls | Illinois | On the phone | Time Management | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or All Christmas Music After a Few Egg Nogs
Girl #1, listening to strange music: What is this? It sounds like hypnotizing propaganda music.
Girl #2: It sounds like underwater Christmas music.
Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Compare and contrast | Girls | Illinois | Music | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'd Pay My Bills Anyway, Sweetie
Woman: If Jesus isn't coming back this week, I just know it's going to be this month.
Edwardsville, Illinois
Categories: Illinois | Jesus | Time Management | Women | Posted 2009-07-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Unlike Your Tasseled Loafers.
Hobo: You ever model?
Cute Asian guy: Uh, no.
Hobo: You should think about it. You have nice cheekbones. But definitely go with an agency.
Cute Asian guy: Okay. (awkward pause)
Hobo: By the way, this is man-to-man. This isn't no gay shit!
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Asians | Body parts | Compliments | Guys | Hobos | Illinois | Jobs & Careers | Sexuality | Posted 2009-07-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Reminds Me, Where Are the Wheelbarrows?
Teenage boy in toy section: Giant balls always look good on paper...but they don't really work out in real life.
DeKalb, Illinois
Categories: Balls | Compare and contrast | Illinois | Teens | Posted 2009-07-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Fair Enough. Solitary Confinement It Is, Then.
Newly admitted psych patient: I'm here because I'm crazy! What the hell is art therapy going to do for me?
Highland Park, Illinois
Categories: Crazies | Doctor's office | Gripes | Illinois | Mental illnesses | Patients | Questions | Posted 2009-07-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Elizabeth Berkley Bad?
Employee #1: Yeah, you know the stripper's bad when a married man says, "uh, no thanks, I'm married."
Employee #2, laughing: Man, that's bad.
Zoning Department, City Hall
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Compare and contrast | Employees | Illinois | Relationships | Sex | Posted 2009-06-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Where I Got the Idea for the Woodland-Creatures Baseball League
Girl to friend: So, I was just walkin' along and you know what that squirrel did?
Friend: What?
Girl: It threw a nut at my head!
Southern Illinois
Translation: I Had Lots Of Sex
Guy: So how are you? How was your trip?
Girl: It was sooooo much fun!
Guy: Really? What did you do?
Girl: Oh, I don't know. Nothing really.
Millennium Park
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Sarah
...Then I'll Have Everything Checked Off My Bucket List.
Wine girl #1: We should go get tattoos!
Wine girl #2: We totally should, I'll be divorced by morning!
Open Mic Night
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: only if it's my name on her ass
Categories: Advice | Bars & Clubs | Default | Girls | Illinois | Relationships | Tattoos | Posted 2009-06-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Al Gore: "Some Day That'll Be True!"
Afternoon drunk: Nah, man, it's 32. That's freezing. It don't get lower than that.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: colder that him, apparently
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Guys | Illinois | Weather | Posted 2009-06-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I've Told Them We Don't Negotiate with Terrorists.
Children librarian, about girl scout troop outside: Um...they're throwing rocks at the windows.
Library
Suburbia, Illinois
Overheard by: martha
Like "Reach Out and Touch Someone" Was Any Better?
Lecturer, about advertisements: A hug that lasts all day? What is that, like bondage?
Urbana, Illinois
Even Nymphs and Satyrs Need a Day Off, Sir
Man wearing cargo pants, on day before Easter: So what's this foolishness about you guys being closed tomorrow?
YMCA staff member: Apparently, we're celebrating Easter.
Man wearing cargo pants: But you guys are pagan!
Naperville, Illinois
Overheard by: Lauren
Tommy Was a Shoo-in for the Cast Of Jackass 2028
Enthusiastic two-year-old boy: Mommy, my bottom just burped!
Illinois
Overheard by: martha
Is That a Multiple Choice Question?
Hooker, yelling at pimp in parked car: Lemme axe you somethin: fuck you!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: rob w.
...and Rent All the Cool Cars
Little girl: (talking over airport announcement)
Father: Quiet for a second!
Girl: (continues talking until announcement is over)
Father: Great. What if he was saying "Run! Zombies!"? We'll be sitting here like idiots while the zombies come...
O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Airports & flights | Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Family | Guys | Illinois | Offers and requests | Questions | Zombies | Posted 2009-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Apparently She Didn't Know That, Either.
Seven-year-old girl with speech impediment: I told everyone in class I was going to the Kentucky Derby.
Mother: Did people know what the Derby was?
Seven-year-old girl: Alicia didn't! She was like "what is the Derby?" but everyone else in the class knew!
Mother: Well, that is because she is from Russia.
Seven-year-old girl: And New Hampshire.
Mother: She's from Russia.
Seven-year-old girl: And New Hampshire?...I told her I was sorry she was adopted.
Southwest Flight above Chicago, Illinois
Do You Care If Our DVD Player Is Shaped Like a Schlong?
Man on cell: Yeah. (pause) No, yeah, I'm at Best Buy right now.
Porn Store
Oswego, Illinois
We Truly Went "Beyond"
Girl: I helped, too! I had an illuminating conversation with Sarah at Bed Bath & Beyond!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
That Explains the Radiation Suit
Greenpeace employee to college girl: Hey! Are you pro-environment?
College girl: No, sorry, post-apocalyptic.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: rabbit
Some Meteorologists Get Too Into Their Work
Meathead professor: And they climaxed in August, in all their climactic glory!
Chicago, Illinois
The Hockey Mask and Mug Of Syrup Were Also Excellent Clues
Student #1: So what do you think, eh?
Student #2: Are you Canadian?
Student #1: Why in the world are you asking me that? Is it because I said "eh"?
Student #2: Well, yeah.
Student #1: That is a total misconception! Not all Canadians end sentences with the word "eh"! I can't believe you think that!
Student #2: (thinking it over) So are you?
Student #1: Canadian? Yes.
Wabash
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Laughing as I pass
Um, Remember When You Tried That with Tampons?
Blonde girl: Whats with the eye patch?
Girl with eye patch: Oh my god, I tried to take out my contact but it was already out, so I ended up peeling off my cornea or something!
Blonde girl: Ew! You should wear two contacts, so that doesn't happen again.
Carbondale, Illinois
Overheard by: screaming on the inside
The Original Tag-Line for Keeping Up with the Kardashians
Anatomy professor: There's a little bit of failure in everyone.
Western Illinois University
Overheard by: Pixie
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Education | Illinois | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2009-04-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She's Just Gherkin You Off
Preppy girl: It's like eating pickle juice.
Guy: Like pickle juice?
Friend: How fucking stupid are you?
Rockford, Illinois
Thanks, Make-a-Wish Foundation!
Drunk girl in bar during Rose Bowl: It's official--I'm going to be ovulating on my wedding day.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Double V
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Default | Drunks | Gender issues | Girls | Illinois | Relationships | Weirdness | Posted 2009-03-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Actually...
Psychology instructor: If you look at the castle in The Little Mermaid, you'll see there are some phallic subliminal messages...
Student in the back row: It's a giant penis castle!
Psychology Class, Northwestern University
Illinois
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Illinois | Movies | Penis | Students | Teachers | Posted 2009-03-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tonight's Movie: Dude, Where's My Common Sense?
Dude #1: So did you fuck that chick after we left the other night?
Dude #2 (glancing around to make sure no one's listening): Yeah.
Dude #1: Yes! I knew it!
Dude #2: Dude, I didn't even know what was going on until I came outta my blackout, and realized I was balls deep.
Dude #1: Condom?
Dude #2: (shakes head)
Dude #1: Yes!
Toons Bar
Chicago, Illinois
None Of Which Are All That Hard
Student: Have you ever heard of the penis game?
Female professor: Which one? I've played many penis games.
Greek Myth Class
Illinois Wesleyan University
Overheard by: problem
That's How Christianity Works
College student: I may not know what I'm doing, but I know what I'm not doing.
Decatur, Illinois
So Don't Forget to Bring Your Bongs to the Final Exam
Professor: You can't look at a record and hear the music...unless you're really baked.
Decatur, Illinois
In Rapid Succession, Of Course
Girl: It's going to smell so good when we get home.
Guy: I'm gonna pop ten thousand boners.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Depends Who You Ask
Trixy McBimbo: Is "artillery" another word for money?
Loyola University
Chicago, Illinois
What Kind Of Ignorant People Would Do Something Like That?
College girl #1: Did you hear about that slavery thing?
College girl #2: No, like a real, live slavery thing?
College girl #1: Yeah! It's in Europe somewhere, like the Philippines.
Rock Valley College
Illinois
But Not in That Slightly-Homoerotic Kirk Douglas Way
Ice cream lady behind counter: Spartacus?
Man running to get ice cream: I am Spartacus!
Oberweiss
Oak Park, Illinois
Hence the Babies
Hispanic teenager with baby, yelling out of bus doors: You're an icy bitch!
Chinese woman, muttering loudly: Fucking immigrants.
Bus Station
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: another immigrant
Categories: Bus | Compare and contrast | Default | Foreigners | Girls | Illinois | Insults | Race | Women | Posted 2009-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
"Zombie Studies" Is a Thing?
Zombie studies professor, after lecturing at length on feminist film theory: But enough of that boring stuff. Let's watch a movie where people get murdered!
Chicago, Illinois
Um, the Boy Never Gets the Girl?
Professor (about Hamlet): So how is this like Lesbian porn?
Illinois Wesleyan University
So, under the Law, It Didn't Count
Loud black girl: And Lafawnda was all, "I kissed a girl and I liked it!" But it wasn't like she was curvaceous or anything!
Outside Shedd Aquarium
Chciago, Illinois
Overheard by: Mateo
As I Proved Conclusively in My Doctoral Thesis
Professor, looking at picture of optical illusion: Here...we have...a bunch of lines.
Northwestern Univeristy
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Education | Illinois | Sensory experiences | Teachers | Posted 2009-02-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors Have a Soft Spot for Girls Who Say "Suitors"
Slutty looking girl: I want to send a bulletin to all my male suitors: "you will not be getting into my pants by texting me and asking me to give you a back massage. The bum who told me god did a beautiful job making my legs this morning had a better chance."
Ogilvie Train Station
Chicago, Illinois
...Instead Of Carrying Around This Scale Model
Mother to toddler daughter: Would you rather I just say "testicles"?
Art Institute of Chicago
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Brian
Perfect for an Institution of Higher Learning
Extremely diabetic professor: Now that I have to get another artificial leg, I can be as tall as I want!
Math Department
University of Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Suzz
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Illinois | Maladies | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2009-01-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Wants to Know?
Little boy: My teacher doesn't wear a bra!
Mother: Did she tell you that or did you just notice?
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Wheeee!
Girl #1: How come I always feel drunk whenever you're drunk?
Girl #2: I don't know.
Girl #1: I think we're drunk cycling together!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Drinking & drunks | Feelings | Girls | Illinois | Questions | Posted 2009-01-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Bush Administration Never Understood the Difference
Game watcher: Well, this is where the Bears turn it on. When the tough get going the going gets tough. (pregnant silence) Well, I guess it's the other way around. I suppose it works either way, right?
Christina's Place
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Shrek
Then The Gloves Are Off!
Economics professor: I don't judge others' lifestyles. (pause) I mean...unless they are a total trainwreck.
Illinois State University
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Drugs | Education | Illinois | Teachers | Posted 2009-01-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Worst. Prostitute. Ever
Serious hipster chick #1: So she shot him in the leg, because that was her training.
Serious hipster chick #2 (nodding understandingly): Uh-huh.
Serious hipster chick #1: And then they ended up lying feet to feet.
Art Opening
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Terry B
Would You Say It While Brandishing a Riding Crop?
35-year-old man: Do you know what I did for you? I left my home, my wife. I cheated because I was cheated on, I know what that's like. You're turning 30, you need a man, what's a woman at 30? You're alone!
28-year-old woman: You're having a midlife crisis. Women don't get those. I'm there for you, like, "you should stop at three drinks because you're a terrible drunk."
35-year-old man: You'd do that for me?
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Matt
Categories: Age and ageing | Default | Drinking & drunks | Feelings | Gender issues | Guys | Illinois | Infidelity | Offers and requests | Questions | Relationships | Women | Posted 2008-12-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...If That's the Word I Want
Guy #1: That is awesome! Awesome!
Guy #2: Yeah, it would be cool, until you got ectoplasm everywhere.
Concordia University
River Forest, Illinois
Overheard by: That would be messy.
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Default | Guys | Illinois | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2008-12-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But, Then, Who Would?
Guy talking about Belgium: They probably would not speak weasel with their Flemish brothers.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: i think i missed something
Categories: Default | Family ties | Geography | Guys | Illinois | Language barrier | Posted 2008-12-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nature: 2 Nurture: 0
Teen Boy Scout (after narrowly avoiding tripping): And that's why I'm so good at swing dancing. I have hips like an angel.
Amtrack
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Duckie
Categories: Body parts | Bragging | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Dancing | Default | Illinois | Pride | Teens | Posted 2008-12-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Whereas the Middle Ages Were More Like Getting Ear-Fucked Repeatedly
Girl on train helping her friend study: Think of a baby crawling back into the vagina and popping out again. That's the renaissance.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Sitting in front of them for an hour on the train
He Left, While Singing, "Everybody Was Kung Pao Fighting..."
Guy on phone: Yo, g, I'm gonna go out to the club and get me some Pad Thai chicken. Hell yeah, you know what I'm talking about. K, peace.
Paralegal: What the fuck? Why Pad Thai? Why not Kung Pao?
Guy: Cause I don't want all that attitude up in my chicken. I want my chicken to sit down and shut the fuck up!
Paralegal: Get out of my office.
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Food | Girls | Guys | Illinois | Offers and requests | On the phone | Questions | Wishes | Posted 2008-12-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...When She Told Me the Soup Of the Day Was Split Pea
Possible transvestite: And I said, "Either you take a lie detector test at the American consulate or I'm packing my things and going!"
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
The Two Main Options for Young Ladies Nowadays
Guy (watching NuvaRing commercial): I don't know, I would think that taking one little pill every day would be less of a big deal than becoming...a cyborg.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Illinois | Technology | Weirdness | Posted 2008-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Was Almost Like Being in the United States
Train guy: I just got in last night from Denver.
Train girl: Oh yeah? What part?
Train guy: Colorado.
South Shore Train
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Chubi
The Same Reason I Snort the Pretty White Dust
(mother pouring sugar in her coffee)
Little boy: Mom, why do you drink dirty water?
Mother: Because of you.
Starbucks
Chicago, Illinois
It's All the Technicolor Yawns I've Been Doing
Dentist, about to perform a root canal and three fillings: Wow, you have groovy teeth!
Glen Ellyn, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Body parts | Compliments | Default | Health & Hygiene | Illinois | Medical personnel | Words | Posted 2008-12-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, I'm from Kansas
Professor: So how many inches do you think are in a foot?
Student: Oh I'd say about 100.
Professor (speaking to class): I love picking on the foreign kids on the first day of class.
Normal, Illinois
Overheard by: AJ
But at Least I'm Passing His Biology Class This Time
Preppy girl on cell: Yeah. He just got out of jail and he's hitting on me again.
Salem Community High School
Salem, Illinois
Overheard by: LiLlistna
Categories: Crimes | Girls | Illinois | On the phone | Preppies | Relationships | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Threats | Posted 2008-11-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Leave Out the Part Where He Blew and Said "Haha, Fooled Ya!"
Gay man: So, did you end up fucking that guy from eHarmony?
Blondie: Sort of. When I was blowing him he told me to stop and I said, "No way, I'm just getting started!" And then he said, "Seriously, stop, I don't want to blow in your face."
Gay man: That's like true love. You should use that story for your eHarmony commercial.
Central Illinois
Roseanne Barr: The Flight Attendant Years
Angry suit: When is this plane going to take off? I have a very important meeting to get to!
Flight attendant: The incoming plane is delayed, sir, there's nothing we can do at the moment.
Angry suit: Well, are you going to make arrangements for me to get on another flight? This is urgent! Do you know who I am?
Flight attendant (over loudspeaker): Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, there is a gentleman at the desk who does not know who he is. If anyone has any information about his identity, please come forward.
Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Airports & flights | Bragging | Default | Flight attendants | Illinois | Offers and requests | Questions | Suits | Time Management | Posted 2008-11-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In the Beverage Museum Hospitality Room
Guy #1: That Coke you're drinking is about three years old.
Guy #2: (spits out soda)
Guy #1: And that beer's at least eight years old.
Guy #2: What are you running here? A beverage museum?
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Default | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Illinois | Questions | Time Management | Weirdness | Posted 2008-10-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Supposed to Go in?
Teen girl #1: What do you use vaseline for in sex, anyway?
Teen girl #2: So he can slide it in, you stupid fuck!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: LOL
Lack of Recognition Is Our Thing
Crazy guy at bus stop to young woman passing: Hey, girl, what's going on?
(girl passes without saying anything) Yeah, that's my girl right there!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Emily
If He Asked You Out, He Probably Likes Crazy Drag Queens
Girl looking at herself in the mirror to stranger: Do I look crazy? Do I look like a drag queen? I'm on a first date and I'm really nervous.
Bar Bathroom
Chicago, Illinois
She Was Like, "Your Dad Really Enjoys Puttin' on the Ritz, Honey!"
20-something girl to table of people: And I was like, "Whoa, mom--your nipples are like top hats!"
Kasey's Tavern
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Sara
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Clothes | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Illinois | Nipples | Posted 2008-10-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Guess Shaking My Hand After Sex Is a Good Compromise
Middle aged woman: I want him to think of me as the kind of friend who shakes your hand, not the friend you jump into bed with.
Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Illinois | Relationships | Sexuality | Women | Posted 2008-10-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook