I'm an Enabler--I Admit It

Teenager #1: My parents would never let me wear that out of the house.
Teenager #2: My dad's a freak. He likes to see me half-naked.

Navy Pier
Chicago, Illinois

And He Was All, "But I'm Just the Babysitter!"

Lady to friend: So I told him... ten dollars for a hand job!
Friend: Good for you! What an asshole!

Ashland & North Ave
Chicago, Illinois

And Kept Me Awake by Leading "Expeditions" Into My Sock Drawer

Girl #1: I found that doll the other day.
Girl #2: What doll?
Girl #1: The Steve Irwin doll, you know, the one that used to look at me creepy while I was sleeping.
Girl #2: Ohhhh, that doll!

Bleeker's Bowling Alley
Chicago, Illinois

Joke's on You-- It Was Jesus Dressed As Santa!

Nanny (in thick Irish accent): Get over here right now!
(little girl does not move)
Nanny: Jesus sees you!
(little girl still not moving)
Nanny: Santa sees you, and you'll get nothing!
(little girl runs to nanny)

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Charles

Abraham Lincoln? Really?

Girl: I basically touched his dick, through the transitive property.

Northbrok, Illinois

Overheard by: Jake

What the Hell Is Going on in Illinois?

Professor walking through the hall: Well I guess I'd have to be spanked then.
Asian grad student: That's why they're called "accidents"!

University of Illinois

You Laugh, But He Has Poisoned Darts in His Backpack

Seven-year-old little boy staring at a little old lady with white hair: You're going to die!

Hilander
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Koosa

Can You Prove That's Where They Are?

20-something girl to another: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you weren't privy to the thoughts that are in my head.

Bathroom, Second City Comedy Club
Chicago, Illinois

What Happens When You Breastfeed at Trendy Lounges

Little boy, to stoic mother in shoe aisle: I love the night life! I like the boobies! I love the night life! I like the boobies!
(five minutes later, at checkout lane)
Little boy, to stoic mother: I love the night life! I like the boobies! I love the night life! I like the boobies!...

Kohl's
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Me too, my man.

The Slut Recordkeeping System Parallels Major League Baseball's

Drunk girl, loudly, to her drunk friends: I mean, she's slept with or semi-slept with more people than I have!

Clark and Broadway
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: flunk_punk

She Was Extolling the Virtues Of Her HMO

Mother to son: I'm not sure, but I think grandma was high.

Union Station
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Seska

Who Knew Organic Chemists Were So Funky?

Professor: I'm just waiting for a chlorine radical to come and bite me up the ass.

Morraine Valley Community College
Palos Hills, Illinois

Overheard by: Kati

Why Gay Best Friends Were Invented

[Two 20-something guys are staring at Colleen Moore's ornate fairy castle dollhouse.]
Guy #1: Oh, man.
Guy #2: No man on earth could have ever kept this woman happy.

Museum of Science and Industry
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Joan

But, More Importantly, Why Is Your Subway Outside?

Guy with luggage: What's the temperature tonight?
Guy without luggage: Two.
Guy with luggage: Two? Two! Why the fuck do people live here!?

Brown Line
Chicago, Illinois

And Their Latter-Day Stains

Woman: Shhhh, people are sleeping. Not everybody wants to hear about Mormon underpants.

Illinois

Overheard by: Claire

You Slept with Him in Chinese?

[Chinese girls whispering.]
Girl #1 yells: What?! You slept with him last night and didn't come home until three this morning?!
Girl #2 yells back: In Chinese, stupid!

Bus
Chicago, Illinois

Why Girl Engineers Don't Invite Boy Engineers to Their Slumber Parties

Engineer #1: We're playing my little ponies?!
Engineer #2: Oh, god.
Engineer #1: Dude, we're gonna fucking kill them! [Laughs maniacally].

Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois

Dude Said He Wanted to Sail on My Wine-Dark Sea

Girl on cell: I just heard the most epic pickup line. Like, if Homer had known this pickup line it would have been all over The Odyssey.

Northwestern University
Illinois

And I Didn't Notice Until Lunchtime

Blundergrad: I was really irritable today. There was something up my butt. Literally!

Northwestern University
Illinois

Also to Make Julienne Fries

Freshman #1: I really use a time machine.
Freshman #2: What for?
Freshman #1: Time travel, dumbass.

Northwestern University
Illinois

As We Shall See in Today's Film, Big British MILFs

Biology professor: There are a lot of great tits in england.

Knox College
Galesburg, Illinois

Overheard by: Oh, bio...

Philip Pullman: Goddamn It!

[Family looking at a Golden Compass poster.]
Mom: Oooh! The new Narnia movie!
Dad: Did you know the polar bear is Jesus?

Great Escape Theater
Illinois

Overheard by: The Surly Usher

You're Lucky You Were Able to Kiss All My Anger Away

Guy #1: Dude... that joke went to far.
Guy #2: You know what was going too far, David*? Breaking into my house.

Bolingbrook High School
Bolingbrook, Illinois

Build Him a Sukkah?

Loudmouthed breakfast patron: I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but what if you keep kosher and someone, like, brings a pig to your house? Like, what do you do with their pet pig?

Toast Two
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Paul

Crying Is Her Cardio

Girl #1: I'm so glad you could make it out tonight! How are you?
Girl #2: I'm okay. I have a headache from crying.

Steppenwolff Theater
Chicago, Illinois

Dude, It Has the Word "Vajayjay" on the Cover

Twelve-year-old boy to friend: I didn't know bookstores had porn!
Friend: Dude, that's Cosmo!

Barnes & Noble
Illinois

Dad's the Best Gas-Release Coach in the Midwest

Little girl: I farted!
Dad, indifferent: Stop farting.
Little girl: I farted on the dog!
Dad, still indifferent: Continue farting.

Glendale Heights, Illinois

Overheard by: rbmmom

Shouldn't This Be Eleventeen

Statistics professor writing on board: I'll leave the numbers out because I always get them wrong anyway.

University of Chicago
Illinois

Overheard by: too early for this class

I Thought the Figure on the Door Was Sporting a Jaunty Kilt

Man in stall on the left: Bill, I think we're in the wrong bathroom.
Man in stall on the right: Yeah, I think I just figured that out.

Women's restroom at United Center
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: the girl in the stall between them

Toni Morrison Doesn't Let Anybody Touch the Books at Her Readings

Man walking down the street: All I did was stick my hand in her jacket and the show was over!

Madison and Canal
Chicago, Illinois

If Rappers Had Existed in the 16th Century

Philosophy professor: A crisp cravat always gets me hot.

Wesleyan University
Bloomington, Illinois

Overheard by: ..Really?

Kid Must've Been Horrible to Get Taken to a Fabric Store

Six-year-old kid: Will you come over to our place?
Mom's friend: No.
Six-year-old kid: Why not?
Mom's friend: Because you're annoying.
Mom: See? I told you!

Fabric Store
DeKalb, Illinois

For the Last Time, Destiny, That's a Penis

Wannabe pickup artist: So, tell me your secrets.
Hot girl: I'm not sure...
Wannabe pickup artist: C'mon.
Hot girl: Okay, but you have to promise not to tell anyone.
Wannabe pickup artist: Fine.
Hot girl: I have a tail.

Albany Park
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Ivan Alfaro

In Case You Were Wondering

American construction worker: See, you escaped communism. All I ever did was join the disco demolition night at Comisky park.
Polish construction worker: I didn't escape communism, I got kicked out. Big difference.

Chicago, Illinois

So I Did It on Scat Play

Teen girl: Well, I was gonna do my project on, like, abstinence. But then I figured everyone in our class already isn't anyway.

High School
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Kristin D

Or Should We Cut to the Chase and Snort Some Lines?

Six-year-old girl to six-year old boy: Do you want to get a coffee?

Barnes & Noble
Plainfield, Illinois

Overheard by: Tdcompton

And Barricading the Door When I Came to Office Hours

Girl: He stopped calling on me in class for a while after I started his fan club on facebook.

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Claire

A+

Black student, casually: Wait, let me get this straight: he was going to participate, but he was late, so he decided to hate, and that's what started this debate?
Teacher, baffled: Did you just rap that at me?

Columbia College Fiction Department
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: flunk_punk

Alphonse Was Sick That Day in Health Class

Middle-aged black man #1: She has a pretty face.
Middle-aged black man #2: I can't fuck a face!

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Tad Allagash

Ms. Coulter Limits Herself to t