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If He Dies, They'll Probably Let You Cut All the Lines
Eight-year-old kid in line for Universal Studios park ticket: I know how to get a discount ticket.
Eight-year-old friend: How?
Eight-year-old kid: You get your friend to come along with you, then you stab him in the neck and say "My friend's dying, can we have discount tickets?"
Universal Studios
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Death & dying | Default | Friends | Kids | Kids | Money | Offers and requests | Should have used a condom | Tourist attractions | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2008-07-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Giving Head
Girl #1: Well, you know she gave that guy a blow job when three other people were in the room. Someone was bound to find out.
Girl #2: I've never even done it in front of people.
Girl #1: Me either, I'm not that slutty.
Younger girl with them: Oh, guess just me then?
Girl #1: You gave someone a blowjob with people watching?!
Younger girl: Uh, yeah. Back when I was 15 and drunk.
Girl #1: I'm your aunt: should you really have told me that, McSlutty?
Park
San Diego, California
Categories: Age and ageing | BJs | California | Default | Drinking & drunks | Family | Family ties | Girls | Insults | Memory lane | Names | Weirdness | Posted 2008-07-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From the "Bump N' Grind" Escort Service
Suit on cell: I don't know much about this party he's throwing, other than he got me a pregnant stripper.
Del Monte Shopping Center
Monterey, California
Overheard by: Amy
Categories: California | Default | Malls | On the phone | Pregnancy | Sexuality | Suits | Weirdness | Posted 2008-07-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unless I Can Have Someone Holding the Train Like a Bridesmaid
Old lady: I've lived with my body my whole life, but I don't want it down around my ankles.
Women's Gym
Studio City, California
Categories: Age and ageing | Body parts | California | Compare and contrast | Default | Old folks | Wishes | Women | Posted 2008-06-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Lady, You Live in the Wrong Fucking State
Older woman working out with personal trainer: I'm almost 70 years old. Ask me how much I care how I look. I don't even have a mirror in my bathroom. I was just interested in a chemical peel. They wanted to roll my skin up over my head, take out the fat, then roll it down again, not to mention take out my liver and kidney. And the woman that's dragging me around to this stuff? She's a gusher. I hate gushers. She says: "We'll go through this together". She says: "Ask the gods." Can you imagine me asking the gods for a facelift? What blasphemy. She says: "Tell me about yourself". I say: "You mean the heroin addiction?" She says: "Really?" I say: "Yeah, it was after my two daughters were born, when I started robbing banks to support us." Honestly, everything has to be so sordid before someone will listen to you. You have to have an incestuous affair or something. When in reality, I work all day, then come home and watch TV like the rest of the human race.
Women's gym
Studio City, California
Overheard by: Trying not to howl with laughter
Categories: Age and ageing | Beauty | California | Compare and contrast | Default | Feelings | Health & Hygiene | Insults | Old folks | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2008-06-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh Yeah, You'd Like Me to Pour You on My Meat
Guy to friend: My hot sauce packet is talking dirty to me.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Josh
Except for Women's Professional Basketball
Professor: How does female humor differ from that of males?
Student: Women don't have the luxury to be funny.
Stanford, California
Overheard by: fliushkin
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Default | Gender issues | Questions | Teachers | Posted 2008-06-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Especially the One from Little House on the Prairie
Very obnoxious drunk man to long-suffering waitress: Hey, what's your name, anyway?
Waitress (coldly): Melissa.
Drunk man (softly): Awww, my daughter's name is Melissa.
Waitress: Well, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but we usually turn out slutty.
Bar
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Bars & Clubs | California | Comebacks | Creepsters | Customers | Default | Drunks | Family ties | Guys | Insults | Names | Questions | Servers | Posted 2008-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Is Why Men Wear Pink Shirts
Professor: Ever wonder why pink is considered a girl color?
Student: Because vaginas are pink.
UC
Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Kelly
Categories: California | Class | Default | Education | Gender issues | Questions | Students | Teachers | Vagina | Posted 2008-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Is Virtually Indistinguishable from His Singing
Chick on cell: David Hasselhoff just brushed past me. Mooing.
Coachella Music Festival
Indio, California
Overheard by: Brokeass Harem
Categories: About celebrities | California | Default | Girls | On the phone | Sensory experiences | Weirdness | Posted 2008-06-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yes
Student: I bet half of the kids are still going to show up at the computer room.
Teacher: You think half of them will, or half of them won't?
East Meadow Drive
Palo Alto, California
Categories: California | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Stupidity | Teachers | Words | Posted 2008-06-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Prefer 'Hoboes'-- but Thanks for the Weed!
Stoner #1: The other day I saw this homeless guy, and I felt bad, and I had just bought a stack, so I gave him some weed. He was like: "Thank you very much."
Stoner #2: Are you serious?
Stoner #1: Yeah. I don't care what anybody says, that was the most down shit ever. I fucking love bums.
Chino, California
Categories: California | Default | Drugs | Feelings | Friends | Panhandling | Stoners | Posted 2008-06-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...A Metaphor I Would Know Nothing About
Professor: The Government was spending money like a drunken sailor in a Tijuana whorehouse.
Macroeconomics Class
University of California
Overheard by: Econometrically Bored
Categories: California | Class | Compare and contrast | Default | Money | Politics | Teachers | Words | Posted 2008-06-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From the Epic Best-Seller Rich Man, Poo Man
Boy in bar: Why does everyone always make me out to be the poo guy?
Oaktown, California
Overheard by: sitting further away now
Like We'd Really Elect a Latino?
Teen girl to classmates: Jesus was not a President!
US History Class, High School
San Diego, California
Categories: California | Default | History | Jesus | Politics | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Posted 2008-06-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And This Time Don't Roll on Me Just Because They Offer You Cookies and Juice
Little boy: You used to have a pocket knife, mommy!
Mother, laughing nervously: No, I didn't!
Little boy: Yes you did! You used to!
Nervous mother: No, I never did! I never had a pocket knife! Please don't tell the police that!
YMCA
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Muffin
Is That How the Peter Rabbit Story Is Supposed to End?
Surprised biker: And once he was released from custody, he never ate rice again.
Outside Burger Joint
Glendale, California
Overheard by: Brady
Categories: California | Crimes | Default | Food | Restaurants | Weirdness | Posted 2008-06-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Instead of Prison, Convicts Should Be Sentenced to Host Slumber Parties
Group of little girls to window poster: Hannah Montana! Hannah Montana! Hannah Montana!
Exasperated father: Don't kiss that!
Mall
San Diego, California
Categories: California | Dads | Default | Family | Girls | Kids | Malls | Offers and requests | Should have used a condom | Siblings | TV shows | Posted 2008-06-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And I Felt Really Bad When the Shoe and I Ran Off to Cancun Without Her
Guy: Didn't you have a friend who lost her virginity to her shoe?
Green haired girl: Yeah. She fell on her foot and ruptured it or something. Like riding a horse.
Pink haired girl: What the fuck?
Guy: Told you!
Green haired girl: I felt bad when she told us because I was the only one busting up laughing.
California
Does...Not...Compute...
Chick #1: She doesn't even *want* to get married!
Chick #2: And she's not a ho?
Starbucks, Pacific Center
Daly City, California
Overheard by: Ladle
Categories: California | Chicks | Questions | Relationships | Restaurants | Sexuality | Wishes | Posted 2008-06-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Is Important to Air Things Out
Preppy girl: I love not wearing pants.
[Friends start to laugh.]
Preppy girl: No! I mean have you ever gone to the beach and --you just take off your bottoms and --no! I mean you like take off your swimsuit bottoms--.
[Friends erupt in laughter.]
Preppy girl: I just mean --I just like not wearing pants...
High School
San Diego, California
Categories: California | Clothes | Feelings | Friends | Girls | Preppies | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Words | Posted 2008-06-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But the Midget Got Taller, If You Know What I Mean
Police officer to college girls: It turns out there was a midget in the closet.
Downtown Palo Alto, California
Categories: California | Cops | Music | Weirdness | Posted 2008-06-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's an Identity
Boy to girl: Rape is not a choice.
San Diego, California
Categories: California | Crimes | Guys | Violence | Posted 2008-06-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Can You Be Anal Enough to Label Your Speedos but Still Lose Them?
Voice over loudspeaker: Attention members. Will Arthur Sarksian come to the front desk? We found your Speedos.
24 Hour Fitness
Glendale, California
Overheard by: James Jameson
Categories: California | Clothes | Default | Employees | Names | Offers and requests | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
While Headbanging, My Mom Broke Her Own Neck
Spanish prof: What's the difference between a stone and a rock, English speakers?
Student #1: A stone is smooth and near water.
Student #2: A rock is big, like you can't pick it up.
Spanish prof: Well, that would make sense. I mean, we stone people to death, we don't rock them to death.
Cute girl student: It's happened before.
De Anza Community College
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl has a little crush on her
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Education | Girls | Questions | Students | Teachers | Words | Posted 2008-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Would You Mind Taking a Picture Of Us With It?
[A young woman in a wetsuit and a young man in normal clothing are standing near the packaged meats.]
Female employee: Can I help you with anything?
Young woman: Oh, no thanks, we're just admiring the bacon.
Female employee: Oh. Okay! Have a nice day!
Vons
Ventura, California
Categories: California | Customers | Default | Employees | Food | Offers and requests | Sensory experiences | Shopping | Stores | Weirdness | Wishes | Women | Posted 2008-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Low-Maintenance People Live Longer, Anyway
Little old lady: I'm not a Pina Colada type. Give me a Coors Light and a nice doobie and I'm good.
Women's Gym
Studio City, California
Overheard by: urzzz
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Default | Drinking & drunks | Drugs | Happiness | Offers and requests | Old folks | Women | Posted 2008-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Something Just Expanded --Possibly My Awareness
Barista guy, gesturing toward mug of Sharpies: Are you aware that these markers cost ninety-nine cents each?
Barista chick: Are you aware that I want to get my nipples pierced?
Starbuck's, Castro Street
Mountain View, California
Overheard by: touché
Categories: Baristas | Bringing it back to you | California | Girls | Guys | Money | Nipples | Questions | Restaurants | Wishes | Posted 2008-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
More Women With Dirtier Minds Than Men
Girl #1, pointing to bag of peanuts: Are those your nuts?
Girl #2: No, they're Bob's* nuts.
[brief pause, then both girls begin laughing hysterically]
Girl #1, after a few minutes: That was the stupidest thing ever.
Girl #2: You know you liked it.
Oakland, California
Overheard by: I laughed because I didn't know what was going on
I Mean I Have a Case of the Cups
American guy: Hmm, what should we have for desert?
French girl: I've been craving crab cakes. With frosting.
American guy: Uhh, you mean cupcakes?!
3rd St West Hollywood
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Food | Foreigners | Girls | Guys | Language barrier | Questions | Words | Posted 2008-05-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now In Stores, Ghetto Booty Barbie
Girl: Everyone knows Barbie is disproportional. Look! She has no butt! And her waist is tiny.
[Pause.]
Professor: I bet black Barbie has a big butt.
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Body parts | California | Compare and contrast | Girls | Insults | Race | Teachers | Posted 2008-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The San Francisco Equivalent of a Nice Dinner and Jewelry
Angry suit on cell: I cleaned out my ass for you, bitch!
On the Street
San Francisco, California
Categories: Ass | California | Cleanliness | Health & Hygiene | Insults | On the phone | Sexuality | Suits | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Guess I Never Really Thought of Simba in Those Terms
Girl #1: Even when I was a little kid I knew it was Christian propaganda. I was like, "Hey, this lion is Jesus!"
Girl #2: That was great, say it again.
Girl #1: This lion is Jesus!
AMC Century City
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Friends | Girls | Jesus | Kids | Movies | Offers and requests | Words | Posted 2008-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Feel the Magma Flowing Beneath Their Placid Surface
Mother to daughter, regarding t-shirts: We need to get you a big one 'cause your boobs are growing way too fast.
Flat-chested daughter: Yeah, I know.
Hollywood Tower of Terror Shop
Disneyland, California
Categories: Body parts | California | Clothes | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Gender issues | Girls | Moms | Teens | Tourist attractions | Posted 2008-05-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Do I Need to Show You the Algorithm Again?
Guy: I would ask her out, but she's just so dumb. I mean, like, soo dumb.
Girl: Can't you just overlook that for one night?
Guy: She's not quite cute enough.
San Jose, California
Categories: Beauty | California | Girls | Guys | Questions | Relationships | Stupidity | Posted 2008-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like Travel Boggle!
Tall blonde: That's just cause you're short... No, don't worry! You're adorably short. You're small and compact for my convenience.
Short brunette: I'm fun-sized!
Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: in the spirit of Halloween
Categories: California | Compliments | Euphemisms | Women | Words | Posted 2008-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So Maybe She Needed Out-of-This-World Sex
Guy on cell: Yeah, I hooked up with her. [pause] I fucked her. She was tight. [pause] She hasn't called me back. I don't get why it's so hard to take five seconds out of your day to see how I'm doing. [pause] She's, like, Asian. Half Asian and half alien.
Barnes & Noble
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Hobo
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Feelings | Geography | Gripes | Guys | Insults | On the phone | Sex | Stores | Words | Posted 2008-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Do You Want to Go to Epcot? Do You?
Mother to daughter: You don't want to piss me off in the happiest place on earth!
Disneyland
Anaheim, California