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Stop Referring to Mom's Cooking That Way
Host: Would you like a booth or table?
Young mom: A booth is fine.
Four-year-old: I don't want a booth!
Young dad: Hey, knock that off or you'll be eatin' out of the trash.
Orange County, California
Overheard by: Poofy
Not Until You Figure Out Which Wire to Clip, Sweetie.
Mother: Just sit there a minute. I need to go say goodbye to Jamie*.
Three-year-old boy, buckled into stroller, trying to stand: Let me out of this booby trap!
County Fair
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Cat
The Argument Against Exposing Kids to the Arts
Little girl to mother: Mommy, where's Aladdin?
Mother: He'll come soon, sweetie.
(repeats this for ten minutes)
Little girl, seeing Aladdin on the stage: Who is that?
Mother: Aladdin.
Little girl: Where's Jasmine?
Adventure Theater
Anaheim, California
Categories: California | Kids | Moms | Offspring | Pop culture | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2011-07-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Satanists Ride the BART
Girl on train, not wearing earphones: Rah rah ah-ah-ah! Roma ro ma-ma! Gaga ooh la!
Girl across the seat: I will eat your uterus.
BART
San Francisco, California
Categories: California | Girls | Public Transportation | Uterus | Weirdness | Posted 2011-07-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
On the Plus Side, If People Think You're 16, You Totally Have a Future in Barely-Legal Porn!
Young woman #1: And I was like, "No, dude who's two years older than me, I'm not 16. Nice mandals."
Young woman #2: You said that?
Young woman #1: Oh, no. I try really hard to think of other things when 25-year-olds are hitting on my mom.
Young woman #2: I'm really sorry.
Nail Salon
Napa, California
Categories: Age and ageing | California | Family ties | Gossip | Women | Posted 2011-07-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, Charlie Sheen, Never Change!
Abusive downstairs neighbor to girlfriend trying to break up with him: I haven't called you a bitch or a cunt in ages and I am proud of that!
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Nicole
Categories: Bragging | California | Guys | Insults | Relationships | Posted 2011-07-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And the DMV's the Perfect Place to Discuss My Sex Drive
Girl #1: Oh! Did I tell you about the threesome I had with the married couple on the cruise ship?
Girl #2, gesturing at a father and young son sitting directly in front of them: Shhh!
Girl #1: Whatever, he needs to learn.
DMV
Walnut Creek, California
Overheard by: Shh!
Wait 'Til She Learns She Can't Go Down On Him.
Dumb blonde: Jesus is such a cockblock!
UCLA
California
My Dad Always Dreamed I'd Say That to a Lady
Gay dressing room associate: Did you find everything alright today?
Attractive female shopper: Everything except a pair of pants.
Gay dressing room associate: We'll just have to find you a pair, then.
Attractive female shopper: No, that's alright. The pants here never fit me correctly.
Gay dressing room associate: Well, I'll see if I can't fit you in my pants.
Attractive female shopper: Wait... What?
Banana Republic
Marin, California
After He Rejected My Floss Bouquet
Girl to friend: I love him. I just want to clean his teeth, I sent him that in a message on MySpace, you know.
Pantages Theatre
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Juicetine
Categories: California | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Relationships | Wishes | Posted 2011-06-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now I Just Need to Wring the Vomit Out Of My Shirt, and We Can Go Again
Girl getting off Supreme Scream, to no one in particular: I did it! (lowers voice) And I didn't pee!
Knott's Berry Farm
California
Categories: California | Character | Feelings | Girls | Pee | Posted 2011-06-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Were His Teeth In or Out?
Young woman on cell: I kiss my grandpa on the mouth, have I made out with him?
Palo Alto, California
Categories: California | Family ties | On the phone | Questions | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2011-06-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now Everyone Calls Him "The Puree Papa"
Student: Because my dad didn't consider mac and cheese or ground beef as food that you could chew.
Biola University
La Mirada, California
Overheard by: lydia parsons
Categories: California | Character | Family ties | Food | Students | Posted 2011-06-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If I Get Good Grades This Semester?
Asian girl: Can I have two penises?
Market Street
San Francisco, California
Apparently Medicare and Social Security Don't Count
Guy behind deli counter: Does anyone need any help?
Old man #1: What about psychiatric help?
Old man #2: Are you giving or receiving?
Old man #1: I'm on the receiving end of everything. Except taxes!
Gene's Fine Foods
Saratoga, California
Categories: Age and ageing | California | Employees | Health & Hygiene | Money | Old folks | Questions | Posted 2011-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...My Salty, Greasy, Utterly Empty Life
Stoned girl looking at bottom of empty chip bag: Ugh, this is why I hate life.
Elk Grove, California
Overheard by: MelBee
Categories: California | Druggies | Feelings | Food | Gripes | Posted 2011-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's the Gateway Drug for Straight Porn
Boyfriend #1: If I go home and find one piece of tranny porn on my computer, I am going to melt all your chocolate-covered pistachios and pour the chocolate down the toilet. I don't know what I'm going to do with the nuts... probably freeze them. I don't know...
Boyfriend #2: That is seriously life-ruining shit. Like a PSA on how tranny porn ruins lives.
Mountain View, California
Overheard by: Koora
Categories: California | Couples | Porn | Relationships | Threats | Posted 2011-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Oversized T-Shirts and Puffy Bangs No Longer Have Any Hold Over Me!
Bum, to nobody in particular: I hate you, DJ Tanner!
Sacramento, California
Categories: About celebrities | California | Feelings | Homeless | Weirdness | Posted 2011-05-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Alphonse Is a Great Wall Of Misinformation.
Man: Of course, back in the '70s, we didn't have China.
Chino, California
Categories: California | Geography | Guys | History | Stupidity | Posted 2011-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I Want to Be the Straight-shooter, If You Know What I Mean.
Male mountain biker: All we ever did was make out. And that's not what I want in a relationship. If I wanted a hook-up buddy I'd at least get one who would suck my dick. I mean, there's like 14 girls I could go to right now. So that's why I broke up with her.
Female mountain biker: Yeah... She was pretty straightforward though, wasn't she?
Crafton Hills, California
Overheard by: they didn't even notice I was wearing hiking in slippers
Categories: BJs | Bragging | California | Guys | Relationships | Posted 2011-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...So I'm Incapable Of Having Linear Conversations Right Now.
Woman #1: How's your health?
Woman #2: Oh, starting to get better. I'm okay.
Woman #1: Our cat is sick. We had to bring her to the vet.
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Animals | California | Health & Hygiene | Questions | Women | Posted 2011-05-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why I Stoped Watching Kirstie Alley's Reality Show
Woman on phone: Girl, I just ate a fat-ass quesadilla, and now I feel fat as fuck.
San Francisco, California
Categories: California | Diet & weight | Feelings | Food | On the phone | Women | Posted 2011-05-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We'll Never Forget That.
Mom to little girl: No, we are not getting Eliza* a present. She hasn't given you a present ever since the elephant incident.
Disneyland
Anaheim, California
Categories: Animals | California | Memory lane | Moms | Parenting | Weirdness | Posted 2011-04-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dan Brown Has Much to Answer For
Tour guide, showing statue of Athena to students: Does anybody know who that is?
Student: Abraham Lincoln.
Berkeley, California
Categories: California | Education | Employees | History | Questions | Posted 2011-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...If It's Anything Like How They Grow Jelly Donuts.
Girl #1: Oh, it looks like you are registered for the jelly belly factory tour.
Girl #2: Is there anything else? I don't really care how they grow jelly beans.
Davis, California
Overheard by: PhillyKid
Categories: California | Food | Girls | Questions | Weirdness | Posted 2011-04-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's So Convenient for My Court Appearances
Young thug #1: I'm telling you, man, if they get you for jaywalking or littering down here, they just dismiss it.
Young thug #2: Really?
Young thug #1: Yeah, man, the homeless do it all the time.
Young thug #2: Man...
Young thug #1: I'm telling you. That's why I stay downtown.
Elevator
Los Angeles Superior Court
California
Overheard by: Mylinda
Categories: Advice | California | Crimes | Philosophy | Thugs | Posted 2011-04-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Why I Married Her, Sweetie
Dad, leading three-year-old girl to bathroom: You need to go potty? You can sit on the potty in here.
Three-year-old girl: No, that potty's not for me. That's for mommy. She has a big butt.
Alameda, California
Overheard by: lith
Oh, Leave Martin Short Alone.
Woman, exiting coffee shop: He's like ten years old, but he's aged really well...
Berkeley, California
Overheard by: Minivet
Categories: Age and ageing | Beauty | California | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2011-03-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sometimes Your Editors Feel Like We're Fixin' to Die
Stoner girl to stoner guy: Vietnam was a war, not a country!
Sacramento, California
Categories: California | Druggies | Geography | History | Stupidity | Posted 2011-03-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Still Think You Miss Your 20s?
Girlfriend: That's your last drink tonight.
Boyfriend: What? Why?
Girlfriend: Why? Because I don't want to fuck a limp dick and then deal with you shitting yourself again. That's why.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Deedle
Categories: California | Couples | Drinking & drunks | Penis | Sex | Threats | Wishes | Posted 2011-03-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Kathy Griffin Loves Disneyland
Teen to another: I got so excited, I have wet butt syndrome!
Disneyland
Anaheim, California
Overheard by: Kristen
Categories: Ass | California | Maladies | Sensory experiences | Teens | Posted 2011-02-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Recommend Suicide
Girl to friend: You know, you're the kind of person who, if you blew a bubble, I would pop it in your face.
UCLA
Westwood, California
Categories: California | Character | Clothing | Compliments | Girls | Posted 2011-01-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Pop Quiz: Which Of These Things Are True About Sarah Palin?
Hobo: You ever wanted to punch an asshole in the face? Now's your chance, one dollar! I deserve it! I club baby seals, I vote Republican, I masturbate way too much! Quit laughin' and start punchin!
Church & Duboce
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: C
Categories: Assholes | California | Hobos | Masturbation | Offers and requests | Politics | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2011-01-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If Anyone Was Like Jesus, It Was Trotsky
Freshman: My professor just compared Karl Marx to Jesus. I am not feeling it.
Claremont Colleges
Claremont, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Education | Feelings | Pop culture | Students | Posted 2011-01-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Same Way I Learned Massage Therapy
Dude #1: I'm a massage therapist and an electrician.
Dude #2: Oh yeah? Did you go to school to learn how to be an electrician?
Dude #1: Naw, I hooked up with this guy who had been doing it for four years and owned a five million dollar house. He just handed me a drill and told me to go for it.
Petaluma, California
Overheard by: lith
So It's Not "Hotel for Dogs"?
Husband: What's the greatest story ever told, then?
Wife: Hansel and Gretel!
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Books | California | Couples | Pop culture | Questions | Posted 2011-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
No Gay Man Has Ever Seen RoboCop
Middle aged gay man on cell: Mother, stop making excuses. You chose to live in a government hellhole named Canada. You could have gone somewhere like Detroit, but nooooo...
Starbucks
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Family ties | Gays | Geography | On the phone | Pity | Posted 2011-01-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
According to WikiLeaks
Professor: And, as you know, Sweden has the strictest rape laws in America.
UCLA, California
Who's Thinking Of the Baby Ruth Scene from Caddyshack?
Aikido student: Um, Sensei, I think there's spit on the mat...
Sensei: There's sweat on the mat?
Aikido Student: No, spit.
Sensei: Oh, spit! That's gross!
Humboldt State University
Arcata, California
Overheard by: Eli
Categories: California | Cleanliness | Feelings | Students | Teachers | Words | Posted 2011-01-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Um, I've Heard.
Man: All cocaine really does is make you want more of it.
Woman: Not necessarily. If that were true, what's to stop people from snorting dog shit?
Man: That rule doesn't apply to dog shit. If you snort dog shit, you will definitely never, ever, want to snort it again.
Oakland, California
...It's Medicinal!
Loud boyfriend: Where's the rest of it? You only needed five dollars for the hat. Where's the change?
Loud girlfriend: Give it a rest, Tommy. Okay, I gave you your change.
Loud boyfriend: You know, we need the fifteen dollars for the hotel, and I need hair gel.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Pbritches
Categories: Beauty | California | Couples | Money | Questions | Posted 2010-11-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Meet Berkeley's Best Improvisational Lear
Furious hobo in tie-dye to frightened college student: You know why girls wear perfume and makeup? Because they're ugly and they stink! God bless you.
Berkeley, California
Categories: Advice | California | Health & Hygiene | Homeless | Questions | Students | Posted 2010-11-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Until Nine Months from Now, When I Give Birth to a Child I'll Name "Brie"
Girl on cell: I was about to go home, so I told Bob* to get the cheese because I'd brought it over so George* coud make a cheesy bagel, right? So Bob* brings me the cheese but then he starts massaging my back, and I fall asleep with the cheese. I wake up like a half hour later and he's doing it to me, so I grab the cheese, say goodnight, and leave. And after that, whenever I saw someone eat a piece of that cheese I felt sooo weird. But now it's all eaten, the evidence is gone, and what that cheese witnessed will never be revealed.
Outside Westfield Mall
San Diego, California
Categories: California | Food | Girls | On the phone | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2010-11-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ah, the Lewinsky Defense
Skinny Latina girl, insistently: I didn't lead him on! But we had sex.
Berkeley, California
Categories: California | Character | Latinas | Relationships | Sex | Posted 2010-11-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You'll Understand When You Have to Watch Your Mother Being Raped by a Rotini Noodle.
Girl #1: So pasta, like, traumatized you?
Girl #2: Yeah, I hate pasta! Pasta ruined my life!
Frary Dining Hall, Pomona College
Claremont, California
No Wonder Girls Dream About This Their Whole Lives!
Man, indicating the used wedding dress he's wearing: This was the best $35 I've ever spent. I mean, I could have spent it on Jägermeister!
Old Railroad Square
Santa Rosa, California
Categories: Bragging | California | Clothes | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Posted 2010-11-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors Would Like to Thank Her for "Balls Deep in Rainbow Town"
20-something girl #1, laughing: Your son is totally gay!
20-something girl #2: He so is! He reminds me of Jack from Dawson's Creek. He's athletic and can play it pretty hetero, but deep down he's balls-deep in rainbow town. Very impressive for a five-year-old.
Roseville, California
Overheard by: MeganMama
Categories: California | Gender issues | Kids | Moms | Sexuality | Posted 2010-11-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And You're Wearing It Now!
College girl #1: I have never taken my shirt off!
College girl #2: Wait, didn't you wear a see-through one before?
College girl #1: That was you, you whore!
UC Santa Cruz
California
Overheard by: Eric
There's Never a Truce in the Trench Warfare Between the Sexes
Older lady to complete strangers: So the last guy I dated, all he wanted was sex! We were on the beach and we passed a trench, and he was like "I'll put you in that hole!"
Escondido, California
Categories: California | Old folks | Relationships | Sex | Strangers | Weirdness | Wishes | Women | Posted 2010-09-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And I'm Washing It Down with Laxatives!
Model scout, handing out card to hot tall teen: I know you're probably modeling already, but take my card anyway.
Shorter teen girl to friend, after scout has left: Fuck you. The only reason he gave you his card instead of me was because I'm eating a cookie. But it's the only thing I've had to eat today!
Starbucks
Studio City, California
Overheard by: Urz
Categories: Bars & Clubs | California | Employees | Food | Friends | Insults | Jobs & Careers | Stupidity | Teens | Posted 2010-09-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But She Once Wore a Paper Sombrero and Sang "La Bamba" at the School Pageant
Native American girl: Yeah, when I was in kindergarten, I was the only Mexican in class. Well, except for Reema. She's Lebanese.
High School
San Diego, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Education | Geography | Girls | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Stupidity | Posted 2010-09-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Is This More Of Your Zen Crap?
Patron #1: Yeah, but everything's different in Hawaii. You can't even buy land there unless you were born there.
Patron #2: Actually, you can.
Patron #1: Yeah, but all their laws are different than ours.
Patron #2: You know that Hawaii is a state, right?
Starbucks
California
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Bosses | California | Compare and contrast | Geography | Money | Posted 2010-09-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wait 'til You Hear My Story About the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny's Gay Orgy
Three-year-old boy: Do Santa and Batman fly in the sky together?
Mom: I hope they're careful if they do, because otherwise... Batmobile crashes into Santa's sleigh, boom! (makes explosion noises) Santa and Batman. Dead.
Three-year-old boy: (laughs hysterically)
Auntie: I'm glad he laughed at that, otherwise you were getting the "worst mom" award.
Antelope, California
Overheard by: Megan
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Family | Kids | Kids | Moms | Parenting | Pop culture | Questions | Wishes | Posted 2010-09-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Claimed the Pasties Were Medicinal.
Guy: So she lied to me. She said she wasn't eighteen.
Girl: How old was she?
Guy: Nineteen. And she said she wasn't a stripper.
Berkeley, California
Categories: Age and ageing | California | Girls | Guys | Lies | Sex | Posted 2010-08-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Bad Things Happen When Housemates Mate
Guy to crowd of housemates: See, this is the kind of toilet we want--it's rated to be able to flush one kilo of material at a time.
Girl: How many kilos does a newborn weigh?
Home Depot
Oakland, California
Overheard by: Alchemist George
So, Regardless, We're Going Green.
Student, as professor walks into classroom: Tomorrow's Earth Day!
Professor: Yesterday was 4/20!
Classroom, College of Marin
Marin County, California
Beverly Hills? You're Already There.
Buff Asian kid, squinting at label on microscope: Made in... Douche-land? What the fuck is douche-land?
Beverly Hills High School
Beverly Hills, California
Categories: Asians | California | Geography | Insults | Kids | Names | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Stupidity | Posted 2010-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Thankfully the Stupid Seem to Always Die Off First
Environmental science teacher: What, in your opinion, is the most pressing environmental issue our planet faces today?
Clueless redhead, raising hand unsurely: Is it... The birds?
Environmental science teacher: Excuse me?
Clueless redhead: Isn't there something up with birds? Like, aren't they dying or something?
Environmental science teacher: Um... Thousands of different animals are dying...
Clueless redhead: Oh. I thought it was just birds.
High School
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Animals | Birds | California | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2010-08-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Don't You Mean "Fabulous"?
Five-year-old boy to mom: Does it feel weird to have a vagina?
Mom: Well, I've had one my whole life, so it feels normal to me.
Five-year-old boy: I wish I knew what it felt like to have one!
Mom: I'm pretty sure you'll be a member of the LGBT community anyway, so maybe you'll find out.
Five-year-old boy: What's LGBT?
Mom: You'll find out soon enough, honey.
Five-year-old boy: That sounds really cool!
Roseville, California
Overheard by: Nature vs Nurture
When Life Hands You Apples...
Serious guy: There is no... fucking... applesauce!
Dining Hall
UC, Santa Cruz
Overheard by: Willing to bet there's no regular applesauce either
Categories: California | Food | Fruit | Guys | Insults | Posted 2010-07-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Never Know When Mr. Right Will Fall Into Your Vagina
Hoochie #1: That's why I don't wear panties with tight skirts; I need maximum mass, maximum jiggle.
Hoochie #2: That's also why you always flashin' your business, looking like a ho.
Hoochie #1: So? What you doing up in that club--gettin' drunk? (laughs)
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Mistopher
Categories: California | Clothes | Clothing | Compare and contrast | Drinking & drunks | Hoochies | Posted 2010-07-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Didn't He Die?
Loud, livid woman barging through the crowd, completely serious: Move it! Get out of my way, I have to make pizza for Patrick Swayze!
Farmers Market
Culver City, California
Overheard by: Anon Y. Mouse
Categories: About celebrities | California | Food | Women | Posted 2010-07-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...I Fuck at Least Two Girls on the Side.
Dude #1: You gotta find a girl to fuck. On the side.
Dude #2: I'm not like that. That's your game.
UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Guys | Infidelity | Sex | Posted 2010-07-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Given My Raspy Voice
Blonde: I like berries. Kate, you should be a berry.
Kate: That can be arranged.
California
Categories: California | Fruit | Girls | Weirdness | Posted 2010-06-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Granted, We Learned About the Teacher's Sex Life...
Teen girl #1: How was econ today?
Teen girl #2, indignantly: We actually learned something, I was so bummed...
Beverly Hills High School
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: zen
Categories: California | Education | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Stupidity | Teens | Posted 2010-06-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Was a One-time Political Statement.
Girl #1: Did you finish your French project?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Did you puke on it?
Girl #2: No, not this time.
Laguna Hills, California
Categories: California | Education | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Weirdness | Posted 2010-06-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors Do Not Want to See the Rest Of the DVD
Drunk mother to son: Look at the two girls at the bar behind you. The one in the blue shirt has huge boobs!
Son to drunk mother: They look familiar.
Foster City, California
Categories: California | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Family | Moms | Rack | Posted 2010-06-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...According to This Hallmark Card.
Woman #1: Look at that rainbow outside!! It's huge!
Woman #2: I know! It's like when you see a black dick for the first time.
Turlock, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Penis | Race | Weather | Women | Posted 2010-06-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yet You Won't Swallow Your Husband's Semen?
Middle-aged woman with dog: Oh, she peed on my foot. That's your pee. That's your love juice. Did you put your love juice on me? You gave me your love juice.
Woman's friend: It's on your shirt now.
Middle-aged woman: Oh, she pissed on my shirt? It's okay, it's just love juice. Come here, stinks. Come here, stinky. It's just pee. Come, gimme kisses, stink-stink.
Woman's friend: Here, maybe you should let me hold her.
Middle-aged woman, hissing: Get away from my stinky! She gave me her love juice, not you.
Starbucks
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Pips
Categories: Animals | Body parts | California | Feelings | Friends | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Pee | Questions | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2010-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can Unprotected Sex Do That?
Home girl #1: Ay, foo, I thought I was pregnant!
Home girl #2: Oh, nahh!
Home girl #1: Yeah! Junior was all "Ay, you got your period yet or what?" and I was all "no, why?" and he goes "because I was tryn' to get you pregnant!" Chhh! Crazy huh?
CSULA Cafeteria
California
Overheard by: Itshahaholly
Categories: Bars & Clubs | California | Girls | Pregnancy | Questions | Relationships | Posted 2010-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
With Each Revelation, the Female Mystery Only Deepens
Blind old lady to old lady friend: Oh my, you started peeing so fast.
Old lady friend: Yes, it's because I stand up.
Blind old lady: Ohhhh...
Old lady friend: Yes, not a lot of women know how to stand up, you know.
Blind old lady: Yes, that's true. My mother used to stand.
CSULA Women's Bathroom
California
Overheard by: itshahaholly
Categories: California | Disabled | Friends | Gender issues | Old folks | Parenting | Pee | Restroom | Posted 2010-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why "Special" Classes Exist.
Teacher: Why are you guys talking back there?
Student: Oh, Roy*'s just talking to his eraser.
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Education | Students | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Worst. Feel-Good Movie. Ever.
Teenage girl on cell, with happy look on face: And I kept at it until it was the artichoke it was always meant to be!
Del Mar Fairgrounds
San Diego County, California
Categories: California | Food | On the phone | Teens | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What Happens When You Get Free Coffee at Work
Female barista: He's going to Tel Aviv or something. I don't even know where that is.
Male barista: Tel Aviv?
Female barista: Yeah, it's like in Egypt or something, I think.
Male barista: Oh, wait, no, that's the tv station.
Female barista: What?
Male barista: Yeah, it's like their version of the BBC.
Starbucks
Orinda, California
Categories: Baristas | Bars & Clubs | California | Geography | Stupidity | TV shows | Posted 2010-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You've Never Done Your Own Taxes Before, Have You?
Lady walking out of an alley to man: I can't do it now, I'd have to take my shoes off and I'm not wearing any underwear.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Ambroziak
Categories: California | Guys | Shoes | Undies | Women | Posted 2010-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You'll Never Find Love With Food in Your Teeth
Hobo: Do you know what the world needs more of?
Coffee employee: Love?
Hobo: Nope, toothpicks... but love was a good guess.
Sacramento, California
Categories: California | Cleanliness | Employees | Feelings | Health & Hygiene | Hobos | Questions | Posted 2010-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'd Still Buy the Wii Version.
Guy, mournfully: Tiger fights are so generic now...
Westwood, California
Categories: Animals | California | Gripes | Guys | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Here, I'm Using Sarcasm to Make a Teaching Point
Political science professor: Our president is black. Some of you may have noticed this. Some of you probably haven't yet.
California State University
San Marcos, California
Overheard by: I knew it
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Politics | Race | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2010-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They Do Only Two Things, and Neither Very Well
High school girl to friend: You know what I hate? Cocks.
Friend: I know! They're so annoying.
California
Categories: California | Girls | Gripes | Penis | Posted 2010-05-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Stop Wearing That Lavender Perfume and We'll Revisit the Issue, Okay?
20-something girl to gay male friend: It really creeps me out when you call me "grandma" when we do drugs together.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: MuffinW
Categories: California | Drugs | Fag hags | Family ties | Names | Queers | Posted 2010-05-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Stimulant for Me, a Depressant for Them
Girl #1: What kind of drugs were you on?
Girl #2: I wasn't on drugs!
Girl #1: What kind of drugs do you want to be on?
Girl #2: What kind of drugs do you have?
Girl #1: I have the morning after pill.
Girl #2: That's not a drug.
Girl #1: Yes it is, it kills babies.
Escondido, California
I Still Can't Eat Shirred Eggs
Grungy young man, after loudly prattling on about drinking 12 Smirnoffs a day, weed, and massage therapy: I didn't believe in the inner-spiritual plane until I saw my unborn child's soul whisked away.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Anon Y. Mouse
Categories: California | Drinking & drunks | Druggies | Drugs | Drunks | Kids | Parenting | Words | Posted 2010-04-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Margaret Cho's Dieting Again
Girl #1, taking in horrible smell: Whah...?
Girl #2, nodding, seriously: Yeah. Diarrhea. (pauses, then frantically) Not mine!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: phew.
Categories: California | Girls | Poop | Sensory experiences | Posted 2010-04-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Until Its Sour Cream Came Out
Girl to girlfriend: If our burritos were in jail, my burrito would rape your burrito.
Chipotle
Northridge, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Food | Girls | Restaurants | Sex | Violence | Posted 2010-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
See, This Is Why I Came Here
Girl: Wow! Einstein was like really smart!
Astronomy Class
UCSC, California
Overheard by: Eric
Now How About a Nice Tranq Dart?
Confused elderly female patient, trying to punch staff: If you kill me, my family will hunt you down and take all your money!
Nurse's aide, trying to clean up patient: Yeah, we hear that a lot.
Hospital
Burlingame, California
Categories: California | Crimes | Death & dying | Doctor's office | Family ties | Nurses | Old folks | Threats | Posted 2010-04-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Introducing the Deepest Relationship in L.A.
Persian guy #1: So are you going to go out with her again?
Persian guy #2: Yeah, she's a cool girl, man. She likes techno and brands...
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Bonding | California | Foreigners | Technology | Posted 2010-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Almost Like We're Misinterpreting the Bible or Something
Coffee-drinking woman: Thank god they're Buddhists. Unlike Christians, where we'll just blow the shit out of each other. And not in the good way.
Marin, California
Categories: Buddhism | California | Christianity | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Have We Finally Reached the Historical Point at Which That's Become an Insult?
Emphatic woman: See? That's why this is your first marriage!
Sherman Oaks, California
Categories: California | Insults | Relationships | Women | Posted 2010-04-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Exactly.
Communications major: What the hell is a palindrome?
English major: No, it isn't.
California State University
Fullerton, California
Overheard by: SixPackReich
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Coworkers | Education | Words | Posted 2010-04-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Taste-Testing Jawbreakers Is a Lot More Difficult Than My Old Job Of Sucking Cock
Man on cell: Well, yeah, I think it was worth it, considering how much money I made... (pause) Well, my mouth really hurts, and I think I need some antibiotics.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: i swear this is not made up
Categories: California | Health & Hygiene | Jobs & Careers | Mouth | On the phone | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Though at Least I Can Eat Chips
Guy: It was a teeth-optional place, but hey, I was a drug addict, so I'm not all that and a bag of chips either.
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Druggies | Drugs | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Remember When Ted Danson Tried That at Whoopi's Roast?
Guy #1: Dude, you really need to end your obsession with black face, it's offensive.
Guy #2: Hell no, I'm bringing it back!
Fullerton, California
Categories: California | Guys | Race | Stupidity | Posted 2010-04-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Oh Shoot, I Ruined the Surprise.
Young lady with English accent, on cell: I told you I was going to be home in 15 minutes. (pause) I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you in the eye with a fork.
Chico, California
Overheard by: xfleshxwoundx
Categories: California | Foreigners | On the phone | Threats | Time Management | Violence | Posted 2010-04-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hey, You Can Take the California Driver's Test in Vagina
Preppy blonde teen: So I told him I really had to go, and he said my pussy was telling him it wanted to stay.
Brunette friend: What the fuck, I never knew he spoke vagina!
Beverly Hills, California
Categories: California | Sex | Teens | Vagina | Posted 2010-03-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Not As Good As the Cucumber, or the Remote Control
Doctor: Okay, we're going to give you an iron shot.
Nurse: Roll over on your side. Okay, you're just going to feel a little prick in your butt.
Patient: Better than the finger that was up there earlier!
ER
Newport Beach, California
Categories: Ass | California | Compare and contrast | Creepsters | Doctor's office | Doctors | Hands | Nurses | Sensory experiences | Sex | Posted 2010-03-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Think I Had This Roommate...
Scruffy 20-something guy on cell: I don't care what you do, just leave my fucking rats alone!
Eureka, California
Overheard by: Barry Evans
Categories: Animals | California | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Insults | On the phone | Posted 2010-03-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If an American Had Written Lolita
Bro #1: Dude, the best deep throat I ever got.
Bro #2: Yeah, dude, does her mom mind?
Bro #1: Yeah, but just cause she's 14, though. Whatever. I'll just find me a better bitch.
San Diego, California
Categories: BJs | California | Guys | Insults | Posted 2010-03-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Boobs Are Pretty Much in the Public Domain, Anyway
Guy #1: I really don't think it's that bad. I dunno why he's so mad. I mean, all she did was show her boobs to some cameraman for some money. It's not like she did anything wrong, right?
Guy #2: What if it was your girlfriend on Girls Gone Wild? How would you feel?
Guy #1: I dunno... Glad I get to see them for free?
Irvine, California
Overheard by: cheekzz
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Guys | Rack | Relationships | TV shows | Posted 2010-03-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like Medical Marijuana
16-year-old girl #1: What's Zionism?
16-year-old girl #2: The belief that Jewish people should be able to have a homeland in Israel, I think.
16-year-old girl #1: So it's like a religion?
16-year-old girl #2: No, it's a political movement.
16-year-old girl #1: Wait, so it's a religion?
Sacramento, California
Sentence Fragments Baaaad!
Professor: I want to please you... Not with goats, but with sentences.
Greek Class
UCLA, California
Overheard by: shepherd
Categories: Animals | California | Class | Colleges & Universities | Education | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Juliette Lewis Has Made a Career Of It
Girl in track pants: No! People don't look at me and think "oh, that bitch went to the gym." No, they look at me and think "oh, that bitch is nasty!"
UC
Santa Cruz, California
Categories: Beauty | California | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Girls | Gripes | Posted 2010-03-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
With the Paper Bag on His Head?
Girl to friend: What if I am pregnant? How will I know who the father is? Well, if it comes out half Asian it's Jason's. If it comes out a midget it's Thomas's, and if it comes out blurry, it's the unnamed guy.
Escondido, California
Overheard by: Brit-ta-nee
And I Haven't Been Mowed in Quite Some Time
Gay son: I need a sugar daddy.
Mother: You and me both.
Gay son: But I have a booty.
Mother, after long pause, and looking out the window: I have weeds where I once had grass...
Murrieta, California
Overheard by: I hope I don't become my mother
Categories: Ass | California | Compare and contrast | Moms | Money | Queers | Sex | Posted 2010-03-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Husband's Chickening Out
Woman to clerk: My turkeys are ruining my marriage!
California
Categories: Animals | California | Relationships | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-03-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Can't Do the Mental Gymnastics Necessary for This One
Woman #1: If I were obsessive compulsive like Monk, I'd pick a cleaner city than San Francisco to live in.
Woman #2: That's why they film it in Canada.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Eric
Categories: California | Cleanliness | Geography | TV shows | Women | Posted 2010-03-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not to Mention the Right to Bear Claws
Dumb blonde: Our Bill of Rights is so cool... Everyone must own a cat. And the Lion King.
San Diego, California
When Black Widow Spiders Chat
College dude: I'd totally fuck her bottom half... and I'd just chomp off her top half.
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Skye
Categories: Body parts | California | Guys | Sex | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why I Don't Attend Grad Student Parties: Explained.
Guy at party: Well, I don't know if you can reduce Thoreau to pantheism...
Girl in Avatar face paint: Oh! Reduce!?
Berkeley, California
Categories: California | Girls | Guys | Philosophy | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Best. Wedding. Ever.
Girl to friend: I distinctly remember him saying "I still have the dildo up my ass."
UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Ass | California | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Toys | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Just Saying Never Aim Your Junk at a Cat
High school dude #1: It's like bestiality, only you have to make sure you point it the right way.
High school dude #2: Yeah, that shit's important.
Santa Ana, California
Categories: Animals | California | Preppies | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If Only There Were a Website That Printed Such Gems...
Guy: I think it's just every guy's fantasy to live with a giant black man and engage in tomfoolery.
Santa Clara University
California
Overheard by: Erin
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Guys | Race | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Women Have Biological Clocks; Men Have Pop-up Timers
Woman #1: In all seriousness, given the choice, I don't know whether I'd prefer to be male or female.
Woman #2: It'd be really nice not to have cramps.
Woman #1: Yeah, and bleeding in public can be embarrassing, but perhaps less embarrassing than having things "pop up" unexpectedly.
Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Angelica Burns
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Gender issues | Maladies | Penis | Women | Posted 2010-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Any More Questions About Your Paper Topics?
Psychology professor: Sex is best. Money is second best. Domestic violence is pretty cool.
Los Angeles, California
Yay! I've Been Trying to Outdo Myself for Weeks!
Student: How do you spell "wear"? W-e-a-r? (pause) That is the stupidest thing I've ever said.
San Diego, California
Let's Just Hope the Casting Agents at Lifetime Agree!
Guy wearing shirt reading "Dude. Seriously. Fuck you": Some say I have a face for date rape.
State Fair
California
Overheard by: Sonni
Hazelnut Columbian Slave Children Are the Best
Flippy haired kid: Dude, how can you drink coffee? You might as well be like, drinking the tears of Colombian slave children!
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Food | Kids | Kids | Posted 2010-01-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What Does Martin Short Have to Do with Anything?
Five-year-old boys, in unison, about female lion strutting around: The mamacita is awake! The mamacita is awake!
Harried mother: I said let's not say that word... Let's say "elfman" is awake!"
San Diego Zoo
California
Categories: Animals | California | Kids | Kids | Language barrier | Moms | Parenting | Words | Posted 2010-01-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Cat Owners Totally Sympathize
Yoga instructor to friend: I've always wanted to throw up on a cat.
Berkeley, California
Categories: Animals | California | Friends | Health & Hygiene | Sensory experiences | Teachers | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-01-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...But Before I Start to Spoil
16-year-old girl #1: I wanna wait to have kids, you know? But I don't wanna be old or anything. I think like 19 or somethin.
16-year-old girl #2: Yeah. Oscar wants to knock me up and I'm like "no bitch, I don't even have a license yet." We're thinking after I turn 18.
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Age and ageing | California | Insults | Kids | Pregnancy | Relationships | Sex | Teens | Wishes | Posted 2010-01-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And If They're Really Yummy, It's "Mmm"
Asian bimbo #1, filling out apartment application: How do you spell "roommate"?
Asian bimbo #2 : Well... If it's just one person, it has one "m". It it's two or more, two "m's"
UC Riverside
California
Overheard by: Sophya
Categories: Asians | Bimbettes | California | Colleges & Universities | Questions | Stupidity | Words | Posted 2010-01-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Demographic Oprah Couldn't Reach
Delivery guy to guy wearing "Deadheads for Obama" t-shirt: So the Dead are for Obama?
Man: Uh-huh.
Delivery guy: Then so am I.
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Urzzz
Categories: California | Clothes | Compare and contrast | Employees | Music | Politics | Questions | Strangers | Posted 2010-01-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Are the Two Mutually Exclusive?
Fat effeminate thug: Bitch, are you a daddy's gurl o' you jus' anotha gorilla?
North Hollywood
California
Overheard by: busninja
Categories: Animals | California | Compare and contrast | Fat people | Insults | Questions | Thugs | Posted 2010-01-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Judging from the Residue I Discovered on One Of Your Quizzes
Professor: Here you are, every day, sitting in this little cave which is evolutionary very stupid. You're not reproducing while you are in here. You aren't even trying to... Well, maybe that's not true.
Psychiatric Physiology Class
Pomona, California
Overheard by: Whats He talking about again???
Once Upon a Lie in Mexico
Guy on phone: Hey. (pause) No, I can't make it. (pause) Yeah, I'm in Mexico.
Murrieta, California
Overheard by: we're not that far from mexico, but still.....
Categories: California | Guys | Lies | On the phone | Weirdness | Posted 2010-01-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What'd You Think Was in a McFlurry?
Woman #1: You're going to suck meat through a straw?
Woman #2: Yeah!
Culver City, California
Overheard by: LaLa Land
Categories: California | Food | Questions | Sensory experiences | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-01-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not As Lame As Saying "No" to Drugs, But Close Enough.
Government teacher: The finance committee is sexy. Who wants to be part of the education committee, anyway? They're lame.
High School
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Education | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sexuality | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-01-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Trust Me-- I Saw It on Ellen.
Nurse: We had the father bless the house when we moved in, but weird stuff keeps happening. I don't think the spirits are happy.
Secretary: Happy? You need the priest to exorcise your house! You want the spirits to be gone, not just happy!
Hospital
Burlingame, California
Overheard by: Just here for the paycheck
Categories: California | Doctor's office | Employees | Happiness | Magic | Nurses | Religion | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-01-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They Proceeded to Link Arms and Skip Off Into the Sunset
Obnoxious panhandler: Spare change if you give a shit! Spare change if you give a shit!
Sassy gay man walking by: I don't.
Obnoxious panhandler: Me neither!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: RP
Categories: California | Comebacks | Hobos | Panhandling | Queers | Posted 2010-01-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Let Your Mother, God Bless Her, Wear the Army Boots
Teen girl holding shoe: Can I get this in a...
Ghetto shoe salesman: Dayummm girl, that's an ugly shoe!
Teen girl: Em... Aren't you supposed to be selling this to me?
Ghetto shoe salesman: Yeah, but see, y'alls not a ugly person, I can't let y'all buy an ugly shoe.
Teen girl: Thank you?
Los Angeles, California
A Speak & Spell Finally Stepped in and Settled the Matter
Boy #1: Your girlfriend's name is Emily, right?
Boy #2: Kate.
Boy #1, shrugging: They're both animals.
Boy #2, agreeing: Both start with vowels.
Boy #1: What?
Boy #2: What?
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: MaggieB
Yet Another Reason to Love L.A.
Girl #1: Do you wear thongs when you are on your period?
Girl #2: Of course! I need to air it out.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: rose
Categories: California | Clothes | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Questions | Undies | Posted 2009-12-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Many Start; Few Are Able to Finish
Guy to group of friends: I don't think I could ever do anything like that.
Girl: Oh, is this about the circle jerk?
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Friends | Guys | Kink | Masturbation | Questions | Posted 2009-12-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Really, Who Wants to Lay Eggs and Have a Guy Shoot on Them?
Student #1: My friend's mom didn't let him watch The Little Mermaid because she was half naked.
Student #2: Yeah, Ariel was such a ho-bag.
Student #1: You know she just wanted those legs so she could spread 'em.
Loma Linda, California
Categories: Body parts | California | Movies | Parenting | Students | Wishes | Posted 2009-12-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ah, the Irish Curse
American girl: Are you British?
Irish girl: No, I'm Irish.
American girl: Ew! Does that mean you eat haggis?
Irish girl, peevishly: No, haggis is Scottish.
American girl: Ohhh! Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you!
Irish girl: The implication that I'm Scottish isn't what offends me about this conversation.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: T
Categories: California | Food | Foreigners | Geography | Girls | Stupidity | Posted 2009-12-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Translation: He's Very Rich
Girl: He's like a pedophile, but for some reason that just makes me like him more.
Santa Cruz, California
Categories: California | Crimes | Girls | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2009-12-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tonight on Graze Anatomy
Little boy to grandmother: My mommy's held a cow brain.
Borders Bookstore
Alameda, California
Overheard by: Lith
Categories: Animals | Body parts | California | Family | Family ties | Kids | Kids | Parenting | Stores | Posted 2009-12-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Where They Speak Guatlish
Older woman: Susie's daughter adopted two little Guatemalites... Guatemalians?
Younger woman: Guatemalans.
Older woman: Yeah, you know, from Guatemalia.
Younger woman: Uhhhh...
Sacramento, California
Categories: California | Family ties | Geography | Kids | Stupidity | Women | Words | Posted 2009-12-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And You Say You Use Them As Currency?
Exasperated little boy to mother: No, it's not a version, it's a virgin, with a "g"!
Redlands, California
It'll Keep Your Mother-in-Law Amused for Hours
Woman: Well, they tie the sheep up to a stake and use it as bait.
Man: Really?
Woman: Yeah, just tie it on up and you're set...
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Bait for what?
Categories: Advice | Animals | California | Friends | Posted 2009-12-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unlike Vicks Vap-o-Rub. (Don't Ask.)
Guy, about hand sanitizer: You know that germ stuff? Well, I put it on my hands, then I put it on my butt cheeks, and it stung my butt cheeks!
Monterey, California
Categories: Ass | California | Cleanliness | Guys | Hands | Posted 2009-12-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Only Cheap and Tasty Capitalism, Like Starbucks.
Child of privileged hipster: I'm into capitalism too. Just not, like, evil capitalism.
Oakland, California
Categories: California | Kids | Kids | Politics | Weirdness | Posted 2009-12-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Especially with That Hannah Montana Wig on
Girl #1: Did you see the pictures of Joan* from last night?
Girl #2: Yeah, that's what somebody without a soul looks like.
Chico, California
Overheard by: Colleen
Categories: California | Comebacks | Girls | Questions | Posted 2009-12-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Alternate Ending to Stand by Me
Guy on bicycle: Hey guys, what should we do when we get home?
Bike friend #1: Hmm... I don't know.
Bike friend #2: Let's masturbate!
Guy on bicycle: Yeah!
University of California
Santa Barbara, California
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Friends | Guys | Masturbation | Questions | Posted 2009-12-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Only Straight Men Start to Die in Craft Stores
Guy: Glitter is like the herpes of craft! It just gets everywhere!
Michael's Arts and Crafts
Merced, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Guys | STDs | Stores | Posted 2009-12-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And, If You're at All Interested, Napoleon's in the Supply Closet.
Employee #1: It's been such a slow day. I feel like I've been here forever.
Employee #2: I know, right?
Employee #1: How about you? Today been slow for you too?
Employee #3: Nope. I discovered time travel.
Hardware Store
Agoura Hills, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Employees | Feelings | Jobs & Careers | Stores | Time Management | Weirdness | Posted 2009-12-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh Yes, Mummy-- Ever So!
Mom to two little kids sitting directly behind her on the train: Do you feel a little bit better now that you've got slight independence?
Disneyland
Anaheim, California
Overheard by: They were the best behaved children there that day.
The Day I Met Charlie Sheen
Dude to friends: So he had this towel spread out on the bed, and he popped a cherry in his mouth...
San Luis Obispo, California
Unfortunately Mr. Trump's Hair Is Heavily Guarded
Girl to another: I mean, I want to touch it. I've always wanted to touch it.
Rancho Cucamonga, California
Overheard by: Katieee
Categories: California | Girls | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2009-11-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...As All the Tour Books Will Tell You.
Guy on cell: If you're serious about jumping, you go to the Golden Gate Bridge. If you're really not, go to the Bay Bridge.
San Mateo, California
Overheard by: Technetium
Categories: Advice | California | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Guys | On the phone | Posted 2009-11-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yeah Right, Miss "Happiness Is an Inside Job"
Stylish girl: I could never be happy with him. All he does is speak in cliches. Who could be happy with someone like that?
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: MaggieB
Categories: California | Girls | Happiness | Questions | Relationships | Words | Posted 2009-11-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Is Why I Had You Guys Do Those Practice Drills Earlier
Volunteer director to group of teenage volunteers: Now, ya gotta be careful or the tractor tires will catch on fire.
Teenage volunteers: (incredulous laughter)
Volunteer director: No, seriously! Last year they caught on fire and I totally had to pee on them!
Sonoma County, California
Overheard by: where was I last year?!
Many People Feel That Way About Courtney Love
40-something female suit to friends: I just wanted to cover her in Lysol!
San Jose, California
Overheard by: Wondering what the rest of the conversation was...
Categories: California | Cleanliness | Friends | Suits | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2009-11-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Favorite Being at My Wedding
Drummer: Well, that wasn't my first time being on fire but it was my favorite time being on fire.
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Guys | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ask Any Woman
Crazy guy: The moon will have its revenge.
Los Angeles, California
We Should Schedule a Stroll Around the Grounds
Very elegantly dressed man: I'm trying to remember if I've ever mowed a lawn... No, I don't think I have.
Very elegantly dressed woman: Hang on, do we even have a lawn?
Very elegantly dressed man: Of course we do.
Very elegantly dressed woman: Oh, I remember now. We have a lot of lawn.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: MaggieB
Categories: California | Guys | Memory lane | Questions | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2009-11-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Assignment: Imagine Some Backstory Which Makes That Okay to Say
Guy: Hey, where are you going?
Girl: To the library, to do some work.
Guy: Oh, I don't care, but that's cool. (walks away)
Oroville, California
Categories: California | Girls | Guys | Questions | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'll Just Slip Into Something More Comfortable
Evolution professor: So why can't humans have more then just two sexes? Man, that'd be a lot of fun, wouldn't it?
Class: (uncontrollable laughter)
Evolution professor: Oh, I can see. (pause) I shouldn't have said anything, let's continue...
UC
Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: I'm glad he said it
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Education | Gender issues | Questions | Sexuality | Students | Teachers | Posted 2009-11-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Soon You'll Be Hitting the Drag Clubs With Daddy
Little boy, wearing high heels: I'm bigger! I'm bigger!
Southern California
Categories: California | Kids | Kids | Shoes | Posted 2009-11-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She'd Kill to Have Christopher Walken's Hair
Girl #1: You mean like Christopher Walken?
Girl #2: I think he's going to be on Glee next week, I mean it did look like him.
Girl #1: Oh, don't get my hopes up!
Girl #2: Oh, never mind, it's going to be Julie Andrews.
Escondido, California
Overheard by: Brit-ta-nee
Categories: About celebrities | California | Girls | Movies | Posted 2009-11-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Hot Salesgirl
Whiny man: I don't even know how to read. Why are we here?
Borders
California
Mr. Cheney's Office Failed to Return Our Calls
Student: I think the result of this case means that people are worried that government officials can be held just as accountable as normal citizens.
Law School
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: MaggieB
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Crimes | Politics | Students | Posted 2009-10-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Pregnancy? Absofuckinglutely.
Student: The form told me that there's a 2% chance that it will happen to me, but if it does happen to me, there's a 100% chance that it will happen to me.
UCLA, California
Overheard by: MaggieB
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Science | Students | Stupidity | Posted 2009-10-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And Bring Out the Visual Aids.
Student, about the economy: Well, what if I just took my big stick and made them give me their resources?
Professor: Well, let's just imagine that your stick isn't big enough to extract the resources you want. (chuckles) Sometimes there's no pleasure in the big stick. Okay, I'm gonna stop talking about sticks now.
Classroom
UC Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Kelly
David Byrne, Is That You?
Disgruntled hobo outside dollar store: All anyone ever thinks about is "Do I still love him?" and "What happened to your teeth?" That don't make no sense!
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Body parts | California | Feelings | Hobos | Posted 2009-10-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Plus, Mom and Aunt Betty Stopped Speaking
High school girl to friend: And then I... oh, wait... I heard this from from my boyfriend, and I just can't believe it. I can't believe you stopped dating your cousin!
Friend: I know, but it just wasn't working out.
Colton, California
Overheard by: Kip K.E.H.
Categories: California | Family ties | Friends | Relationships | Students | Posted 2009-10-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Next Stupid State Referendum
Loudspeaker in airport: Please don't leave your belongings unattended.
Crazy lady, to no one: Did they just say homosexuality isn't allowed in the airport?
Airport
Oakland, California
Overheard by: Kristina
Categories: Airports & flights | California | Crazies | Public Transportation | Sexuality | Weirdness | Women | Words | Posted 2009-10-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Lecture Would Be Protected Under Attorney-Client Privilege
Professor: In a year or two, you're going to graduate and have to face the hard decision about what to do with your life. Some of you will be lawyers, some of you will be engineers, and some of you will opt for a life of crime. When you do, and you get caught, roll over on the person you're caught with, and ask for absolute immunity. I hope you don't choose a life of crime, but if you do, at least be smart about it.
Pre-law Class
USC
Categories: Advice | California | Colleges & Universities | Crimes | Education | Jobs & Careers | Teachers | Posted 2009-10-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Pornographic Snowmen Never Work
Woman to friend: Well, yeah, but then it got wet, so it fell off...
Vallejo, California
Overheard by: Jerod T.
Categories: California | Friends | Sensory experiences | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-10-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just When You Were Starting to Miss College...
Freshman girl on phone: You're not gonna get HIV from kissing some random... (pause) What? (pause) Well, does he have sores on his lips?
UCSB Dorms
California
Overheard by: KLaugh
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Maladies | On the phone | Questions | Students | Posted 2009-10-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...For Not Driving a Hybrid.
Four-year-old girl being dragged away by mother: I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
West Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Juanito
Categories: California | Kids | Moms | Murder | Parenting | Should have used a condom | Threats | Posted 2009-10-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Has Legally Blonde Ruined the Profession? Discuss.
Professor: When thinking about a case, you have to start by listing all the parties. You go, "We are the plaintiffs, the mighty, mighty plaintiffs..."
Law School
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: MaggieB
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Education | Jobs & Careers | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2009-10-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Is This Gonna Be the "Figs Vs. Fags" Debate All Over Again?
Barista: Those aren't dates, those are lesbians!
Dixon, California
Overheard by: Michelle
Categories: Baristas | California | Compare and contrast | Sexuality | Posted 2009-10-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From the Hilarious Teen Comedy Can't Hardly Walk
Guy #1: I'm so totally better than him. I have two properly functioning legs.
Guy #2: So does he, they just don't work quite as well as yours.
Guy #1: That's what the crutches are for.
High School
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Alex
Categories: Body parts | California | Compare and contrast | Guys | Health & Hygiene | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Posted 2009-10-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
"Sometimes"?
Civil procedure professor: Don't you sometimes think this class would be better if we were all a little inebriated?
Law School
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Drinking & drunks | Education | Questions | Teachers | Posted 2009-10-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us |