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And We All Vomited Discreetly Into the Shrubbery
Guy #1: Isn't there something wrong with getting smashed at a baby shower?
Guy #2: Well, it wasn't exactly a kosher baby shower...
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: intheback
Not During?
Incredibly drunk sorority girl to boyfriend: Sweetie, can we throw up before we do it tonight?
UBC
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: The only sober guy on the bus
Categories: Canadia | Couples | Drunks | Health & Hygiene | Sensory experiences | Sex | Sorority types | Posted 2010-08-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And What If It Took Pictures?
Gay Australian cowboy: I just didn't want his cat seeing me naked.
Calgary
Canadia
...And No Sharesies!
Guy walking into bathroom: Hey, is that your beer on top of that urinal?
Guy using urinal: You know it!
Prince Edward Tavern
Hamilton
Canadia
Overheard by: M@
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Canadia | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Pee | Questions | Restroom | Posted 2010-08-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As the Palestinians Keep Telling the Israelis
Dad to eight-year-old son: Well, stop giving people wedgies and they'll stop throwing rocks at you.
Edmonton
Canadia
Overheard by: Christina M.
The Man Probably Needs His Bran, Honey
Daughter: Why did you pick up that man's cereal, dad?
Dad: Because he dropped it, sweetie.
Daughter: Oh, is it because he's old?
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Kara
Beware Of Canadian Estheticians, Dear Reader
Teenage girl to friend, giggling: So then she said she was going to put diarrhea on my face!
Toronto
Canadia
...and I'll Propose to You.
Dude: Just press your nipple up against the glass.
Roller Derby Game
Victoria
Canadia
Overheard by: Jay
Categories: Canadia | Guys | Nipples | Offers and requests | Posted 2010-08-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just When You Think Canadia Can't Get Any Cooler
Eight-year-old girl, incredulously: You slept with him?
Schoolyard
Canadia
Overheard by: awesomepossum
You Know It's Creepy When You Call Your Mom That, Right?
Guy going on holidays to friend: If the opportunity presents itself, could you please not fuck my girlfriend?
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Friends | Guys | Holidays | Infidelity | Offers and requests | Sex | Posted 2010-08-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But That's Universal Health Care for You
Big burly man, earnestly: So then he said, "my wife is in labor," but I didn't exactly know what that meant.
English man, in disbelief: What? What did you think it meant?
Big burly man: I dunno... Um, like, just pregnant?
English man: So what did you say?
Big burly man: I just said, "yeah, that sucks for you."
English man: Wow, he must have thought you were a real asshole.
Big burly man: Haha, yeah. And then she had the baby in the apartment.
(long pause)
Big burly man: So, anyway, now the building's hot water's not working.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
The Male Equivalent Of the Old Menstrual Cramps Excuse
Mother: Take off your backpack and put it on your lap.
Five-year-old boy: No.
Mother: Put your backpack on your lap.
Five-year-old boy: No! It will hurt my balls.
Streetcar
Toronto
Canadia
And Also Like All the Men in Troy
Girl #1: I used to shave my armpits before I even had hair, just to feel like a woman. You know?
Girl #2: (nods)
Guelph
Canadia
Categories: Body parts | Canadia | Gender issues | Girls | Hair | Shaving | Posted 2010-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Also Don't Believe in the Existence Of John and Kate
Suspicious wife: Hey, didn't you tell me that mermaids don't really exist?
Husband: Yes. And I stand by that.
Suspicious wife: Then how cone they had a show on TLC called Mermaid Girl and it was all about a girl who was a real mermaid?
Husband: They aren't talking about the kind of mermaid that you're thinking of! It's probably just a girl with her legs fused together or something. The mermaids you're thinking of don't exist and they never have!
Suspicious wife: They exist. You lied to me!
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Momo
Need a Vacation from the Metric System, Canadia?
Deli customer: Could I have a kilo of shaved black forest ham, please?
Confused deli worker: How much?
Deli customer: One kilo.
Confused deli worker: I need to know how much you want.
Deli customer, getting frustrated: One kilo of shaved black forest ham.
Confused deli worker: So, 500 grams?
Deli customer, astonished: A kilo is 1000 grams.
Confused deli worker: Um... How much do you want?
Deli customer, annoyed: One kilo.
Confused deli worker: I don't know how much you want.
Deli customer, more annoyed: One kilo. 1000 grams.
Confused deli worker, after thinking for a minute: So, two 500 gram packages?
Deli customer, astonished: Sure.
Deli customer's partner: Are you serious?
Edmonton
Canadia
Overheard by: Math is hard
It's Either Believe That, or Commit Suicide
Physiotherapist: I have a small wife, so a small penis is okay.
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Doctors | Penis | Stupidity | Posted 2010-07-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Not Like Your GPS Has Anything Better to Do
Middle aged guy leaning against big truck: She just sounds so disappointed, you know?
Middle aged guy sitting inside big truck: Yeah, totally.
Middle aged guy leaning against big truck, sounding disappointed: Recalculating... Recalculating...
British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Cybele
I Just Barely Care About People
Philosophy student #1, about biomedical ethics: Yeah, we just don't know enough yet to go around screwing with genetic manipulation. Like, cloning people. That creeps me out.
Philosophy student #2: That sheep they cloned, Dolly. She died recently, didn't she? She was like five or six years old.
Philosophy student #1: Yeah. I don't think she lived very long.
Philosophy student #2: What's an average sheep lifespan?
Philosophy student #1, in defensive tone of voice: I don't know! I don't care about sheep!
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Age and ageing | Animals | Canadia | Death & dying | Philosophy | Science | Students | Posted 2010-06-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Wanting to Make Something Of Themselves
Ditzy girl #1: Like, I love her... but she's just so dumb.
Ditzy girl #2: I know! I mean, she wants to take the MCAT. I don't understand that kind of people.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Or Anywhere, Really
Middle aged woman to waitress: How do you stay so thin?
Waitress, serving woman dessert: I don't eat here.
Restaurant
Saskatchewan
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Diet & weight | Employees | Food | Questions | Restaurants | Women | Posted 2010-06-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's on My Google Calendar!
Girl #1: Ew! Are you gonna ask her tonight? You gonna ask her?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Why she has a huge fucking bush!
Girl #2: Oh, for sure!
McGill University
Montreal
Canadia
The Winter Olympics: Explained
Man in expensive dark suit #1, with grave look on his face: It was toasted. I should never have got it toasted. Now it's all... Cold, and crunchy. (in tone of intense disgust) Toasted.
Man in expensive dark suit #2, looking even more serious than the first: Toasted... You should know better. Never get it toasted if you're saving it.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Sensory experiences | Suits | Weirdness | Posted 2010-06-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Think Of It Like That Marijuana You Have in Your Desk
Teenage girl in the middle of high school hallway: Hold on to your virginity, Kaylee! Hold on to it, and never let it go!
Edmonton
Canadia
Categories: Advice | Canadia | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teens | Virginity | Posted 2010-06-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's More About the Attitude Than the Plumbing
Gay guy to female friend: Just because I have testicles doesn't mean I'm any less of a woman.
Saskatchewan
Canadia
Categories: Balls | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Friends | Gender issues | Queers | Posted 2010-06-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Of Course, I Also Thought She'd Be Giving Birth in Prison...
Girl #1: I never thought I'd be a mom at 23! See you later! (walks away)
Girl #2, to girl #3: I thought she would be.
Canadia
Categories: Age and ageing | Canadia | Girls | Parenting | Posted 2010-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Always Give Your Pets Such Unique Names!
Teen girl on cell: Yes, well, there's excitement, plateau, orgasm... and I forget the last one.
99 Bus
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | On the phone | Orgasm | Sensory experiences | Sex | Teens | Posted 2010-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Make-a-Wish Foundation Failed to Return Her Calls
Teenage girl: You know what I wish I had?
Teenage boy, not paying attention: Uh-huh.
Teenage girl: A penis... I'd just go shoving it into people's butts.
Teenage boy: Wait... What?
Teenage girl, whispering to herself: I wish I had a penis.
Bus
Ottawa
Canadia
Then They Blew Each Other
High school girls: Then Mr Jones* said "if anybody knows an easy-23-year old, let me know." and Jeff* told him "dude if I knew an easy 23-year-old, I wouldn't tell you."
Bus
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Bus | Canadia | Girls | Offers and requests | Sexuality | Posted 2010-05-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
One Look at Dee Snider Will Tell You How Right You Are.
Girl #1: Twisted Sister? Ew! Gross!
Girl #2: What is that? I've never heard of it, it is gross?
Girl #1: I don't know either, I just watched a ton of porn this morning so I keep thinking of things in the dirtiest way possible. Ewww.
Calgary
Alberta
Canadia
Ad: The Olympics-- Because Boredom Is Better Than Warfare
Norwegian guy in fake British accent to girl in Olympic volunteer uniform: Excuse me, dear sir, can you direct me to the nearest (pauses for dramatic effect) Olympiad?!
Volunteer girl, pointing toward hot dog stand: That way.
Scotiabank Theatre
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: You luge you lose!
Categories: Canadia | Foreigners | Questions | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And If They Get Pregnant, Where's the Harm?
Guy to workout buddy: I like having sex with married women. The sex is good because they're not having sex with their husbands.
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Guys | Infidelity | Sex | Posted 2010-04-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Guessing IT Teachers Hear This Joke a Lot
IT teacher: So if the CPU usage is really high, choose "end process tree" to kill the process.
Student in back, mumbling: That's what she said...
IT teacher: Damn right that's what she said!
Waterloo
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Sunny
Categories: Canadia | Education | Teachers | Technology | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
College: In a Nutshell.
Freshman girl to friends: Guys, I really need to ask you a huge favor. I think I might be pregnant and you guys might have to punch me in the stomach to get rid of it.
North Bay
Ontario
Canadia
...So Everyone Got That Wrong on the Quiz.
Professor: To shake hands you have to make sure the wedge of your hand fits in the other person's wedge, and that your skin touches, and then give it a good two or three pumps.
London
Ontario
Canadia
And Then Only Because It Was on the Marriage Certificate
Thugette: I went out with him for like two weeks before I even found out his name.
East Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: marcosx
Categories: Canadia | Relationships | Thugs | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Bloated Bellies Are the New Six-Pack
Drunk guy holding a forty: Malt liquor. This is going to get us buff, yo.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Meech
Categories: Canadia | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Stupidity | Posted 2010-04-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Maybe It Was White Men Can't Hunch?
Girl: I was watching this show the other night about large white British men who were sent to Africa to learn to hunt. It was called Fat Men Can't Hump. Wait! No! "Hunt"! It was called Fat Men Can't Hunt. Of course they can hump... If they want to.
Post-Colonial Literature Lecture
University of British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Martha Carscadden
Categories: Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Pop culture | Sex | Words | Posted 2010-04-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Your Sex Blog
Stodgy, old-fashioned professor: It's your birthday? I didn't know, you must not have put it on Facebook.
St. John's
Newfoundland
Canadia
Overheard by: Mel
Categories: Canadia | Stupidity | Teachers | Technology | Posted 2010-03-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hmm...You Also Said the Muppet Babies Were Making You Clean Your Oven.
Woman: The Italian mafia are making me conduct the trains!
Subway Station
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Meech
Including Her Back?
Guy: How many nipples does Julie have, again?
Ottawa
Canadia
Overheard by: hopefully not enough to breastfeed quintuplets
Or All the Dogs You've Ever Owned
Girl #1: So my two-year-old cousin... You know, the one who laughs at me, and threw his bottle and his book at me?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Well, this one time he like pushed me down on the floor, and like... licked my face.
Girl #2: Wow! Your two-year-old cousin is like a combination of all the boys you've met here.
London
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Girls | Kids | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Enthusiasm Is Contagious
Strangely cheerful 30-something: I'm not shaking hands, or hugging, or anything anymore! I'm infected!
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Isn't infected
Categories: Canadia | Health & Hygiene | Strangers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
"History in a Nutshell" Was the Most Popular Course at York
Guy: Cause, like, Stalin was a pretty crazy dude, right?
York University
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Just don't call me dude
Casting Agents Get More Like Pimps Every Day
Girl on cell: Look, fine, then if you don't want Lucy Liu I'll hook you up with her sister. Then you can have two for one!
Film Class
Queen's University
Canadia
Overheard by: Umm can I get in on that?
Categories: About celebrities | Canadia | Class | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Offers and requests | On the phone | Posted 2010-03-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Also Would Have Accepted "Cuban"
Teen girl: What that thing that Frank Sinatra was? It starts with a "k"?
Teen friend: A "crooner"?
Girl: Yeah, that's it. A crooner.
Starbucks
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: About celebrities | Canadia | Restaurants | Stupidity | Teens | Words | Posted 2010-03-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's a One-Dish Meal!
Little boy, watching killer whale: It's a cow made of fish!
Marineland
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Animals | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Kids | Posted 2010-03-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Translation: I'm Afraid You'd Kill Me
50-something guy on cell: Yeah, so honestly I don't think this will work out... I think your sexuality is a little... young for me.
Starbucks
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: dates older guys
Categories: Age and ageing | Bars & Clubs | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Guys | On the phone | Sexuality | Posted 2010-02-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...But Let's Consult Wikipedia to Be Sure.
Girl: Seriously, it's about this guy who fucks his clone and then wonders whether it's gay or masturbation. And that's the whole fucking book!
Guy, after thoughtful pause: No. Totally not gay.
UBC
Canadia
Categories: Books | Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Guys | Masturbation | Sex | Posted 2010-02-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He Just Makes Gay Porn
13-year-old blonde: So then he was all "I told you it wasn't mine!"
13-year-old brunette: Ohmigod, how could he do that?
13-year-old blonde: I know! It was, like, "did you or didn't you sleep with him?" He's not even gay!
Canadia
Overheard by: Laura
One Just Doesn't Work Without the Other
Festival-going dude: Well, you know me when it comes to pizza and titties!
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: would you like fries with that?
Business in the Front and Party in the Back?
Girl waiting for bus: A skort is like a mullet for your ass.
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Ass | Canadia | Clothing | Compare and contrast | Girls | Posted 2010-02-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They're As Thick-Skinned and Adorable As Kardashians
Girlfriend to boyfriend: What I want to know is why the hell people haven't domesticated the rhino yet!
Royal Ontario Museum
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Surprised
Categories: Animals | Canadia | Couples | Questions | Tourist attractions | Posted 2010-02-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Your Answer to Everything!
Preppy girl #1: You know you can't have sex for like, six moths after you have an abortion?
Preppy girl #2: That's stupid! Why wouldn't you just fall down some stairs?
Classroom
Ontario
Canadia
Clearly, It's Unforgettable
Girl: Hey, do you remember that show The Littlest Hobo?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: That's all. I just wanted to remind you of it.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Meech
I Feel the Same Way About Jello Wrestling
Woman: How is that anything like bathing in holy water?
Man: Well, you know... it was wet!
Toronto
Canadia
What Did I Say When You Asked That About Carrots?
Girl on cell: Are avocados vegetarian?
Saskatoon
Saskatchewan
Canadia
At Least Call It the "Cocktagon," Dude.
Tipsy guy to friend: Of course I have a nickname for my penis. I call it "the octagon."
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Sick Fatty
What's a Clitoris?
Woman #1: Have you ever looked at your hymen?
Woman #2: No, and neither have you, because you're no longer a virgin.
Woman #1: Yes, I have! It's that little flap of skin at the top.
Woman #2: That's your clitoris, and you're an idiot.
Calgary
Alberta
Canadia
Yet I Notice You're Not Moving.
Asian girl in bright coat: Oh my fucking god, I think I just lost my virginity.
Blonde girl: Wait, how does that even work?
Asian girl in bright coat: The end of the teeter-totter seat is like totally up my ass, and it's like penetrating.
Blonde girl: Oh.
Calgary
Canadia
Overheard by: Shawn
Unless It Was in Vegas, in Which Case It Stays There.
Defense lawyer, teaching trial advocacy: But remember that in real life, nobody charged with marijuana possession is actually going to go to trial.
Law student: Last summer when I was working at the legal clinic I had a client who was charged with possession go to trial!
Defense lawyer: What? In fifteen years of practice, I've never seen it go to trial.
Law student: Yeah, the prosecutor was being a dick about it too--he wanted jail time.
Defense lawyer: Who was the prosecutor? Tell me his name, I'll tell you if I ever got high with him.
Law School
Canadia
Overheard by: Law student
Categories: Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Crimes | Drugs | Memory lane | Names | Stoners | Students | Teachers | Posted 2010-01-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Whereas Canadia Only Feels Like It.
Strange girl: I'm so happy I live in Canada. If I lived anywhere else, I'd probably be in jail.
Norman Wells
Canadia
Overheard by: Tobac
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Crimes | Girls | Happiness | Posted 2010-01-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Make Us Sleep in Wood-shavings Again
Guy to girlfriend: Next break I'm going to hug you like a retard squeezing a hamster!
Burnaby
Canadia
Overheard by: Doesn't Like Hamsters Anyway
And That Includes the Presidency, Sir.
Girl: You know, everything is just a blowjob away...
Montreal
Canadia
Categories: BJs | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Girls | Posted 2010-01-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Because He Asked Too Many Questions, Sweetie.
Little boy witnessing a shiatsu massage: Mommy, why are they killing that man?
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Some Of Your Editors Are Doing Stupid Things Right Now
College boy #1: Hey, man, thanks for getting me out of that skiing trip.
College boy #2: No problem. Pretty girls have made me do stupid things before. In fact, I bet pretty girls make me do stupid things in the future, too. Probably tonight, or tomorrow...
University of Ottawa
Canadia
Overheard by: not a college student yet
Categories: Beauty | Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Frat boy types | Stupidity | Time Management | Posted 2010-01-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And I Just Took a Tab Of E=mc2
Girlfriend: I'm gonna grab a beer, you want anything?
Boyfriend: Uhhh, not now. I've got to be a penny-pincher.
Girlfriend, laughing at own comment: Maybe you ought to pinch it so hard it turns into a dollar.
Boyfriend: That's stupid. That doesn't make sense. How would that even happen?
Girlfriend, indignant: I don't know! I'm a physicist, not a scientist!
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Feynman
Categories: Canadia | Couples | Drinking & drunks | Money | Offers and requests | Questions | Science | Posted 2009-12-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gosh, I Love the Senator's Parties.
Guy #1: I think I have the handcuffs, but I'll call you if I don't.
Guy #2: Yeah, yeah, and I've got the fairy wings, for sure.
High School
Toronto, Canadia
Overheard by: Hope the where talking about drama class
Categories: Canadia | Guys | Kink | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Weirdness | Posted 2009-12-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How About "Bacterial Infections Are for Pussies"?
College girl #1: You know how that rumor got started? Because you denied him. It happened to my mom in high school.
College girl #2: "Just because I didn't sleep with you doesn't mean I have chlamydia!" I so need a shirt that says that.
London
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Clothes | Education | Family ties | Gripes | STDs | Sex | Sorority types | Posted 2009-12-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Plus, I Learned to Use a Urinal
Barely legal drunk blonde: Oh my god, I just walked into the guys' washroom. There were guys at the urinals!
Barely legal drunk brunette: It's okay, you were just breaking down gender dichotomies.
Karaoke Bar
Canadia
Overheard by: Tiffany
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Bimbettes | Canadia | Drunks | Gender issues | Pee | Sexuality | Posted 2009-12-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Kids Start Disappointing You As Soon As They Possibly Can
Little girl: Mom, can I buy that doll house?
Mom: No, you don't have enough money.
Daughter: Can't I just use my college money?
Mom: No.
Daughter: But I don't want to go to college, I want the doll house! I don't want to go to college!
Toy Store
Canadia
Doughnuts, at Least, Are Cheaper by the Dozen
Mother to daughter: And soon you'll be having babies...
Daughter's friend: I want a baby.
Daughter: What?!
Friend: Actually I want a doughnut, but no one was listening to me.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: and i want a pony
...In a Non-Sexual Way?
Behavioral therapist, in very serious voice, to child with autism about animal crackers: Jason, put the elephant in your mouth!
Child's mother, laughing: How often do you honestly get to say that?
St. John's
Newfoundland
Canadia
Overheard by: aba therapist
Categories: Animals | Canadia | Disabled | Food | Kids | Kids | Medical personnel | Mental illnesses | Moms | Questions | Posted 2009-12-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ever Dated Anyone from Seattle?
Trendy Asian on crowded platform: It smells like hot ass in here.
Trendy Asian friend: How would you know what hot ass smells like?
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: TrainRider
Categories: Asians | Ass | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Friends | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-12-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When I Drink, I Become Fluent in Arabic
Drunk boy, about text message: That doesn't say anything.
Drunk girl: Yes, it does. It says, "hey, what's up?"
Drunk boy: No, it doesn't.
Drunk girl to sober girl: Does this say, "hey, what's up?"
Sober girl: No. It says, "al aloof ah."
Brantford
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Girls | Guys | Language barrier | Words | Posted 2009-12-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not The Lake House Good, But What Is?
15-year-old thug, to thug friends: Hmm... P.S. I Love You. That was actually a pretty good movie.
Promenade de Cathedral
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: Reb
Kim Jong-il Actually Pulls Off "Hobo" Flawlessly
Hobo, panhandling to passer-bys: Can anyone spare some change so I can buy a little wine, some booze, some cheese, a little pot... Maybe some nuclear weapons...
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: http://psychedelicmess.blogspot.com
Categories: Canadia | Drinking & drunks | Drugs | Food | Hobos | Money | Panhandling | Strangers | Violence | Posted 2009-12-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...As the Terms Of the Game Go for the Black Guys Require.
Girl to friend, heading to bar: I'm going straight for the black guys!
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: StellaEllaOla
Categories: Canadia | Friends | Girls | Race | Relationships | Posted 2009-12-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But with a Better Sense Of Meter.
Student: I think that Eminem is like a modern-day Hamlet, you know?
Memorial University
Newfoundland
Canadia
Categories: About celebrities | Books | Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Music | Students | Posted 2009-12-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
At the Pachydermatologists' Convention
Scruffy, hurried foreman with clipboard, on Bluetooth: It's the elephants. You've got to dial in the elephants. It's interfering with your microphone!
Financial District
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: PerplexedPachyderm
Why Ball-Gags Exist.
Girl #1: You should get you some.
Girl #2: I don't think I could handle the stupidity. I ruined my fantasy by talking to him.
Bus
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: always a problem
It Was More Like Milking the Bull
Drunk girl: I thought the first time I had sex it would be like milking a cow. You know: squirt, squirt, squirt... a little at a time.
Kingston
Ontario
Canadia
Like We Did to That Little Make-a-Wish Girl
Boyfriend to girlfriend: Yeah, I'd throw a snowball at the Princess of Sweden. Knock that tiara right off her fucking head.
Girlfriend: Totally. You'd be like, "who's Princess now, bitch?"
Vancouver
Canadia
Ever Been to the U.S., Suzy?
Psych class guy: Dolphins are the second smartest animal.
Psych class girl: What's the smartest?
Psych class guy: Humans.
Psych class girl: Wait, humans are animals?
Psych class guy: Yep.
Psych class girl: Really?
Psych class guy: For real.
Hamilton
Canadia
Overheard by: Jayme
Once Again, She's So Lucky I'm Not a Bitch!
Teenage girl with bad haircut: Ugh, I so just want to punch Lauren* in the face... She's lucky I'm not a bitch.
Overweight teenage boy: I know!
Teenage girl with bad haircut: I mean, seriously, all the time from here it's all "blah blah blah, I got raped." So annoying!
Overweight teenage boy: I know!
Teenage girl with bad haircut: I'd understand if it was once in a while... but dude, she talks about it all the time!
Edmonton
Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Lisa
The Gay Guys Just Criticize Your Outfit
Prof: Ladies, I'm just gonna give it to you straight: I guarantee you that almost every straight guy you see today is going to picture you naked.
Techie guy, fixing projector: Fuckin' A!
University of Calgary
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Education | Gender issues | Sexuality | Students | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When It's Time to Move to New York, I'll Be Ready, Baby!
Girl on cell: Well, I took your advice and I didn't smile at anyone today. I even scowled at a few!
Calgary
Alberta
Canadia
Categories: Advice | Canadia | Girls | On the phone | Stupidity | Posted 2009-11-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Knew It Would Be Anthrax, Though?
Goth girl: Typical, I come to your party and end up wiping white stuff off my ass.
Withrow Park
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Alex
Elena's the Most Creative Pimp in Canadia
Oldish Ukrainian woman: How you have babies with hips like this? How you do this? So skinny. Tsk, tsk.
Skinny chick: Huh?
Oldish Ukrainian woman: Here, eat my husband's sausage. He fill you up. Eat! Eat!
Edmonton
Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: not so skinny
You're Gonna Love Detroit, Sir
Social worker talking to hobo: What can I get for you, sir?
Hobo: How about a 9 mm semi-automatic gun?
Social worker: Well, I can't do that, but do you need bus tickets? Where are you going?
Hobo: Hell.
Social worker: Okay, I'll get those bus tickets then.
Hobo: Your hair's much nicer than mine.
Hospital
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: yooo
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Employees | Evil | Hair | Hobos | Offers and requests | Public Transportation | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Promise the Social Worker Isn't Watching
Oblivious 12-year-old in pool, surrounded by floaty toys: Hey, hold my noodle while I mount this whale.
Victoria
Canadia
I Am So Not Interested in Your Personal Hygiene
Teenage girl: I want to stop keeping it in my pants.
Effeminate teenage guy: No! Keep the stuff in your pants... in your pants!
Teenage girl: Yeah, it needs washing anyways.
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Cleanliness | Clothes | Teens | Wishes | Posted 2009-11-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Every Day's a Roll Of the Polyhedral Dice
12-year-old boy: You see?! Dungeons & Dragons applies to real life!
Calgary
Canadia
Overheard by: cubicle slave
At the Bad First Date Olympics
Woman eating Chinese food to man sitting across: Why don't you try some? It's good.
Man in creepy English accent: No, I get equal or more pleasure watching you eat.
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Food | Guys | Offers and requests | Sensory experiences | Women | Posted 2009-11-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Once You Invoke Hitler, Rational Conversation Ceases
Girl #1, playing Tetris: Stop moving your feet, it's distracting me.
Girl #2: I wasn't trying to distract you! I needed to crack my ankles.
Girl #1: I bet Hitler just needed to crack his ankles too, he didn't mean to kill all those Jews.
Calgary
Canadia
Overheard by: Estelle
Categories: Body parts | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Games | Girls | History | Murder | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Also Sad, but for Different Reasons
Girl #1: It so sad that racism is still a problem in Canada.
Girl #2: I know what you mean, the other day my mother-in-law went to a variety store, and she, like, couldn't get served in English.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Sad York Student
Categories: Canadia | Family ties | Girls | Language barrier | Race | Shopping | Stupidity | Posted 2009-10-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Pita Chips Have Thrown Canadia Into Confusion
Brunette girl: I love whole wheat nachos.
Blonde girl: They should make whole wheat potato chips.
(silence)
Brunette girl: Ohmigod! You're serious? There is no such thing as a whole wheat potato! (laughter)
Blonde girl: Wow! I am really not that dumb.
Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: nicole
Because You Ate Them?
Man beside pen with goat: I am not paying that much for that! I am not buying your goat!
Goatkeeper: Nobody's buying the goat.
Man beside pen with goat: That's it, I'm taking the goat!
Goatkeeper: Nobody's taking the goat, we're not selling the goat!
Large passerby: There are no goats in Cameroon.
Toronto
Canadia
I Blame the Dora the Explorer Movies
Guy on cell: I would be walking, and suddenly the word "vaginas" with a massive smiley face beside would pop into my head, as if my brain was trying to tell me it's fun... like a children's book.
Winnipeg
Canadia
Overheard by: Chad
Categories: Books | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Guys | On the phone | Vagina | Words | Posted 2009-10-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Start Blowing Things and See What Comes Out
Hipster guy: I can't tell if I'm horny or it's just my sinus infection again...
UBC
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Health & Hygiene | Hipsters | Maladies | Sex | Posted 2009-10-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Ahem, "Sylbs"
Female college student: Yeah, I tod did that too!
Guy college student: Did you just say "tod" instead of "totally"?
Female college student: Yeah, I never say any words that are more than two syllables!
College
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Cat
Categories: Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Students | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-10-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Only on Thursday Nights.
Old man on phone: I am a beautiful woman.
Calgary
Alberta
Canadia
Categories: Beauty | Canadia | Gender issues | Old folks | On the phone | Sexuality | Weirdness | Posted 2009-10-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Why We Should Buy You Gelato?
Five-year-old boy: I'm a sensitive soul!
Little Italy
Toronto
Canadia
A Dicktatorship?
Professor: So Russia had this really phallus-oriented system of government...
University
Newfoundland
Canadia
Overheard by: Mel
Categories: Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Education | Gender issues | History | Penis | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2009-10-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...I Was Born to Be a Reality-Show Contestant
Skinny girl: My sister is on a diet now, I don't like it. First she's taller than me, but that's okay, I got over it. I just don't want her to be skinnier than me.
Guy friend: You should be happy for her.
Skinny girl: No way! I'm below that.
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Diet & weight | Family ties | Friends | Girls | Guys | Happiness | Skinny people | Stupidity | Posted 2009-10-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sometimes the Tooth Fairy Makes Extra Special Visits
Boy standing in line for smoothie: That better not be sparkle lips gloss.
Girl standing with him, applying lip gloss: It is, but it has like too many sparkles.
Boy: That's even worse! (pause) My one friend woke up with a ring of sparkles around his... well, you know...
University Fair
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: ashley
Categories: BJs | Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Fashion | Girls | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Penis | Posted 2009-10-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Get Thee to a Nunnery!
Strange man to lightly-dressed girls sitting on bench: Thank you! Have a good night!
(leaves)
Girl to friend: Oh my god. He licked your hand. Ohmigod! He. Licked. Your. Hand!
Montreal
Quebec
Canadia
Overheard by: And it tasted like humus.
You Never Know Which One Will Be Your Last One
Drunk young girl: Whatever. She could have had sex whenever she wanted.
Drunk mother: Well, she's beat you by a few years!
Drunk grandmother: I haven't had sex in such a long time.
The Keg
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Drunks | Family | Family ties | Moms | Parenting | Sex | Time Management | Wishes | Posted 2009-10-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, Have You Seen It Pole Dance??
Giggly blonde teen: Ew, you know bestiality is illegal, right?
Giggly brunette teen: It wasn't bestiality!
Giggly blonde teen: And yet you know that your cat is good in bed?
Ontario
Canadia
And My Statue Collection Is Really Suffering
Brunette: I don't have ear wax.
Blonde: That's impossible! Your ears can't not produce wax.
Brunette: Well, I get a little bit of yellow on the q-tip like every 2 weeks, but it's just not as satisfying.
Calgary
Canadia
Overheard by: mr. mitch
Categories: Body parts | Canadia | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Stupidity | Weirdness | Posted 2009-10-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And the Passengers Know a Lot More About Star Trek
Friend #1: He actually has had sex before.
Friend #2: What! I thought he was on the V-boat with me!
Friend #1: The V-boat?
Friend #2: It's like a U-boat, but sadder.
Montreal
Canadia
Overheard by: Not on the boat
Thanks, Lifetime Movie Marathon!
Girl: Did you just get a vagina?
Boy: I think it's bleeding.
Vancouver
Canadia
...Yada Yada Yada, E. Coli.
Guy to girlfriend: I thought it would be funny to eat an O'Henry while pooing.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Alywishus
Categories: Canadia | Couples | Food | Poop | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-10-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sometimes We Find It Makes More Sense to Read Your Quote Submissions While Drunk
High-school girl #1: Caveman.
High-school girl #2: Arm-sex!
High-school girl #1: That never gets old.
High-school girl #2: Yeah!
Edmonton
Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: SpamiKami
But When We Say That About Canadians, We Get Angry Letters
Girl #1: Hey, you smell great!
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah, you smell like that nice soap.
Girl #2: I don't use soap.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Justin
Categories: Canadia | Cleanliness | Compliments | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-10-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Processed Beef Is My Anti-Drug
Stoner #1: But what if he isn't there, or doesn't have any to sell to us?
Stoner #2: It's cool, dude, he's always there and he always has some.
Stoner #1: For sure?
Stoner #2: Yeah, man, and if we can't get any pot we will just get a hot dog instead. Stoner #1: Okay, that sounds good.
Fat Franks
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Had Pot, and hot dog!
You Sure Those Were Judas's Last Words?
Professor: And he's like, "Jesus, I wish I was pagan!"
Memorial University
Newfoundland
Canadia
Overheard by: Mel
Meet Debate Club Barbie
Idiot girl #1: Well, like, Brad is like one of your favorite toys, so you wanna play with him a lot. But Adam is like your most favorite toy, so you wanna play with him all the time! So when Ashley wants to play with him you're all, "Bitch, drop it!"
Idiot girl #2: That is the best analogy.
Guelph
Canadia
Ah, the Ever-Effective Nuremberg Defense!
Guido to skinny guy on métro: So you weren't really grabbing her boobs. That's just following instructions. (pause) You were just being a team player, man.
Vendôme Métro
Montréal
Canadia
I Only Have Room in My Heart for Bacon
Hipster in "Vatican Chainsaw Massacre" t-shirt: And the thing is, dude, I just... (sighs) ...I just don't really care about waffles, you know?
Queen Street West
Toronto
Canadia
Why Genies Are Wasted on Blondes
Red-headed friend to blonde friend: If I had a special power it would be to fly!
Blonde friend, seriously: If I had a special power I would have a microwave in my mouth so that I could cook anything I wanted, whenever I wanted.
Red-headed friend: You could never get salmonella again!
Blonde friend: I know, right? It's my best idea yet!
Canada's Wonderland
Toronto
Canadia
A Damsel in Distress Can Count on a Guy Peeing on Her
Teen girl #1: I wish a jellyfish would sting me so some handsome guy would run along the beach, whip out his dick and pee on me.
Teen girl #2: What?
Teen girl #1: To neutralize the sting, dumbass.
Teen girl #2: I know that. But still: what?
Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia
The Cherry Poppin' Daddies Are on Tour Again
Teacher, on first day of school: So, did anything particularly exciting happen during your vacation?
Loud teenage girl at back of room: I lost my virginity... three times!
Edmonton
Alberta
Canadia
Earlier Today?
Teenage boy: Hey, James, don't you remember when you stuck Smarties down your shirt and rubbed them on your nipples?
On the Bus
Canadia
Overheard by: Kels
But I'm Sure You'll Locate Your Suitcase-- Bwahaha!
Passenger trying to find lost baggage: Excuse me! Do you work for United?
Airline steward: No! Oh no! Thank god!
P.E. Trudeau Airport
Montreal
Canadia
Categories: Airports & flights | Canadia | Clients | Flight attendants | Jobs & Careers | Public Transportation | Questions | Posted 2009-09-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's an Old Version Of My Medical History
Guy: I do not have seven sets of penises!
Calgary
Alberta
Canadia
U.S. Citizens Will Either Not Understand This or Be Hurt by It
Gay guy to another: Yeah, cuz there's nothing like listening to Americans talk about their feelings to let you know what's really going on in the world.
Starbucks
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Canadia | Feelings | Queers | Stupidity | Posted 2009-09-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So Get Your Velma Over Here and Let's Party.
Man on cell, about his genitals: Yeah, it's shaped up like a 'fro on a Scooby Doo Chia Pet.
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Balls | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Guys | Hair | On the phone | TV shows | Toys | Posted 2009-09-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But You're Drunk Now, Amber.
Girl #1: So, yeah, when the cops like think you're kinda drunk or something, they'll get you to do the ABCs.
Girl #2: What? I can't even do that when I'm sober! I'll try now. A, b, c, d, e, f... then j, maybe?
High School Gym Class
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Myr Myr
Categories: Canadia | Crimes | Drinking & drunks | Girls | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Stupidity | Posted 2009-09-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Explains the Sweatpants
Drunk girl to guy she just met: I'm not having sex with you!
Drunk guy: That's okay, I'm on my period.
Montreal
Quebec
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Health & Hygiene | Sex | Sexuality | Posted 2009-09-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Today, Young Tommy, You Are a Man.
Panicked child, between gasps: Why... do I... keep... burping?
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Burping & farting | Canadia | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Kids | Questions | Posted 2009-09-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
All He Knows Is "The Girl with the Binoculars"
Eleven-year-old girl to friends: I know him but he doesn't know me.
The Drive
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Fred
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Friends | Kids | Relationships | Posted 2009-09-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The One in Your Office Is for You to Explain
Guy in hallway on cell, in Arabic: Next time, tell her it was my riding crop in your bedroom.
Halifax
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Guys | Kink | On the phone | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mating Season Can Be Brutal in Canadia
Girl: This entire city smells like vagina.
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Girls | Sensory experiences | Vagina | Posted 2009-09-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, Yes, and by 'Yes' I Mean 'No.'
Girl: If Mary was a virgin, wouldn't Jesus have had to kick through the placenta to be born?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Can't stop thinking about that now at Christmas
Plus I Took a Cab
Skinny chick with cigarette on bike to friend she just met up with: Hey! Guess how I got here so fast?
Friend: How?
Skinny chick, enthusiastically: I drink a tonic of strychnine and brandy! Every day!
Mt. Pleasant
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Lance Wriststrong
Categories: Canadia | Chicks | Drinking & drunks | Friends | Health & Hygiene | Questions | Skinny people | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Dear Watson, I Believe We've Found Our Culprit.
Private junior high school boy #1: Oh my god, so the other day someone hacked onto my Facebook account and changed everything to gay. My activities were gay, my favorite movies were gay, I was even interested in men!
Private junior high school boy #2, without irony: Dude, that's so gay.
Toronto
Canadia
Further Evidence That Some Wood Is Wiser Than Others
Teacher, handing out candy to class: They're really sweet.
Student #1: And they make the roof of your mouth bleed.
Student #2: That's the best part.
High School
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Candy | Gifts | Health & Hygiene | Mouth | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sensory experiences | Students | Teachers | Posted 2009-09-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Prelude to This Season's Greatest Love Story
Hobo sitting on sidewalk: Hey, can you spare some change?
Student: Sorry, man. I'm as broke as you right now.
Hobo: Grab a seat.
Guelph
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Hobos | Money | Offers and requests | Panhandling | Students | Posted 2009-09-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They Really Need Better Facebook Pictures
Girl: Can you poke the Mars Bars?
Guy: They don't feel white.
Girl: Do they feel brown?
Guy: Yep, they feel brown.
Calgary
Alberta
Canadia
Like Everyone in That Detrol Commercial
Guy, suddenly getting up from table: Gotta go!
Girl #1: Where's he going?
Girl #2: Maybe he's Superman.
Wilfrid Laurier University
Waterloo, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: mookie
Categories: Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Guys | Pop culture | Questions | Posted 2009-08-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, Willingly?
Chick to makeup artist: I want you to make me look like someone who just lost their virginity.
MAC Store
Toronto
Canadia
Oh, You'll Just Look for Any Excuse to Wear Tights
30-something guy : Growing up sucks. If I knew it was going to be like this I would have put on some tights and run away to fucking Neverland.
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Age and ageing | Canadia | Gripes | Guys | Posted 2009-08-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...By Mixing Glue With Sawdust
Ten-year-old girl walking on cut down tree: Oh, I bet this is what they make wood out of!
Cambridge
Ontario
Canadia
Isn't Canadia Where TV Shows Go After Death?
Fab teenage girl with huge pink sunglasses: I fucking loved Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye! I have no fucking idea why they canceled it!
Teenage boy dressed in all black, munching cookie: Me neither. That was show was kickass.
Fab teenage girl: Probably 'cuz all the old people were like, "this show's really fucking gay." But I think that that one guy was really hot. Stupid fucking old people.
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
The "Physics Fiesta" Failed to Draw the Crowds They'd Anticipated
Alpha nerd to friends: We should kidnap more people for parties.
Ottawa
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Friends | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
With Just a Hint Of Chlamydia
Drunken teenage girl, dancing down the street: I taste like fucking condoms!
Toronto, Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Condoms | Dancing | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Girls | Sensory experiences | Teens | Posted 2009-08-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sorry, the Windows OS Makes Me Crabby.
Dude: That's why I love Macs, install windows XP and it's like (snaps fingers) twenty minutes and you're done.
Dude #2: That's not good! That's like saying (snaps his fingers) you've got VD!
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Guys | STDs | Technology | Time Management | Posted 2009-08-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then There Are the Things I Pretend to Forget
Older lady to friend over lunch: When I remember things, I remember them. But when I forget them, I forget them.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Having breakfast nearby
Categories: Age and ageing | Canadia | Friends | Memory lane | Old folks | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2009-08-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Perhaps a Brandy Snifter Full Of Ocean Water, Then
Old woman at restaurant: What do you have to drink?
Exasperated waitress: Everything except root beer and chocolate milk.
New Brunswick, Canadia
Categories: Baristas | Canadia | Clients | Drinking & drunks | Offers and requests | Old folks | Posted 2009-08-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Mean, They All Act Kinda Retarded
Customs officer to woman with a cat: Can you prove that this cat is Canadian?
Canadian Customs
Pearson Airport, Toronto
Canadia
Creatures Often Crawl Out Of the Lake to Matriculate
Girl #1: Jane*'s nice.
Girl #2: Yeah. But she smells like a dirty used tampon.
Girl #1: Yeah, makes me sick a bit.
University of Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Beauty | Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Compliments | Girls | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-08-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Beanstalk Giant Always Had Trouble Fitting In.
Teenager, chasing after young boy on bike: I'm gonna eat your children!
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Li'l Bit
Notice: This Quote Not Endorsed by Morgan Freeman
Blonde: Um, no, actually, a penguin is a mammal. I learned that from Morgan Freeman.
Halifax
Canadia
Categories: About celebrities | Birds | Canadia | Girls | Stupidity | Posted 2009-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Early-Morning Orgy Totally Messed with My Schedule
Underage girl, at 6 pm: Man, I knew I should've started drinking at 2!
Glengarry Highland Games
Canadia
Overheard by: is it that boring?
Categories: Canadia | Drinking & drunks | Teens | Time Management | Posted 2009-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If We Could Transcribe Chimpanzee Conversations
Angsty teen #1: Why do you hate him?
Angsty teen #2: Because he's always putting shit in my hair.
Angsty teen #1: There are a million better reasons you could hate him for.
Angsty teen #2: Like what?
Angsty teen #1: Being him.
Bus Stop
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: She should be a therapist.
Or He Was in This Porn I Once Saw.
Super gangster teen guy, looking at Victorian book: Yo, why there so many pictures from Greece and Rome?
Super gangster teen girl: Greek is in Rome!
Bedford
Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: Heather
A Slope Made Slippery by Extra Butter
20-something chick, gravely: I'm having severe intrusive thoughts about buying a medium popcorn.
Friend: So go buy a popcorn.
20-something chick, gravely: No, you don't get it. I'm serious.
Vancouver
Canadia
It'll Be a Nice Compliment to Your Bowel-Movement Streaming News Feed
Girl #1: I'll check back. I'll continue to burp regularly and tell you about it.
Girl #2: Please do.
Brock University
St. Catharines, Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Burping & farting | Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Has Sex In Very Unusual Places
Crazy drunk lady, whispering: I think I got asbestos on my hands. (in louder voice) Or maybe it's sperm! Heeheeheeheeheehee!
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: EdgingAwayFromHer
More Important Than You Knew
Brazilian guy to American: Pleeeeeaaase? Say it. Say it. Say "fucker de matriz" in English.
Brazilian girlfriend: He wants you to say (whispers) "motherfucker".
American guy: Okay. (blandly) Motherfucker.
Brazilian guy: No! Like an American, please!
American guy: Huh? Oh, "muthafucka!"
Brazilian guy, laughing giddily and clapping: Yes! Yes! Muthafucka, excellent!
ViaRail Train
Canadia
Overheard by: Jim
Categories: Canadia | Couples | Foreigners | Insults | Offers and requests | Train | Wishes | Words | Posted 2009-07-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Drag Queens Are Treated Like Livestock in Canadia
Four-year-old boy, dancing happily down sidewalk: I'm like a princess! I'm like Cinderella!
Mother: Except you stink. So more like stinkerella.
Calgary
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Kids | Moms | Parenting | Sensory experiences | Sexuality | Posted 2009-07-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tell Anyone, And I'll Burn You With This Acid Exfoliant
Guy #1: What is that?
Guy #2, holding sunscreen: Oh, it's sport sunscreen. My mom made bring it.
Guy #3: Dude. Why do you have so many ointments?
Guy #2: The back of my legs get burnt.
Guy #1: You moisturize?
Canada's Wonderland
Vaughan, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Shan
Categories: Body parts | Canadia | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Parenting | Questions | Posted 2009-07-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Hindsight, the Bible Could Have Been a Lot Worse
Young teenage girl with pink furry boots, rainbow hair, and seven facial piercings: Hey, if you were god, what would you do?
Young teenage boy with shaggy hair, acne, and a little boy face: I'd kill my foster parents.
Young teenage girl, totally ignoring her friend's response: I would totally make the world flat, so we could travel just by folding it in half. Imagine how much time and money I would save everyone!
Packed Train during Rush Hour
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Clearly You've Never Had to Deal with a Crying Five-Year-Old
English teacher: Literature just isn't exciting unless people suffer. Like Dora the Explorer, nothing bad ever happens to her. The show would be a lot better if her monkey got hit by a car and died, wouldn't it?
High School
Calgary
Canadia
Overheard by: mcoo
Categories: Animals | Books | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Education | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teachers | Posted 2009-07-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But They're Also Mother and Daughter
Airhead #1: Are you cousins with her?
Airhead #2: Not really... her mom and my mom are sisters.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Family ties | Idiots | Questions | Stupidity | Posted 2009-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But It Makes a Cool Gurgling Sound
10-year-old boy to another: Yeah, if you smoke it that way you can still get cancer. But if you smoke it through a water bong... yeah, about the same.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Lauren
From Stephen King's The Passion Of Christine
Little girl: Where is Jesus?
Bored babysitter: Umm, I don't know... In your heart?
Little girl: Well, then guess what?
Bored babysitter: What?
Little girl: I'm going to punch him! (starts punching herself in the heart)
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Babysitters | Body parts | Canadia | Feelings | Jesus | Kids | Kids | Questions | Violence | Posted 2009-07-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Don't Bite the Hand That Grades You
Annoying professor, about optical illusion on slide: What do you all see here?
Student: A moron with tenure.
Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia
Nobody Who's Been to England Ever Has to Ask
Pretty tween girl, looking around on busy street: What's with all these ugly people taking up all the space?
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Beauty | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Questions | Tweens | Posted 2009-07-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Was Alvin and the Chipmunks Banned in Canadia?
Lady #1: So we have these squirrels in our backyard, and I don't know if the rabbits got to them or what, but they don't have any tails, just these stubs.
Lady #2: (laughs loudly)
Union Station
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Canadia | Violence | Women | Posted 2009-07-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Beginning to Suspect They're Not Twist-Off
Girl #1: Yeah, bananas cost less than apples.
Girl #2: No way, I'd totally choose apples over bananas.
Girl #1: Really? I'd choose bananas, they fill me up more.
Girl #2, thoughtfully: I can't open bananas.
Canadia
Let's Ask the Jews to Be on Our Side, Though
Teen girl to friend: We could be like the next Hitler, but cooler!
Friend: Oooh, awesome!
Toronto
Canadia
Especially Since It Was Wii Sex
Guy #1: So are you seeing that girl now or what?
Guy #2: No, man, she has a boyfriend.
Guy #1: But didn't you sleep with her last weekend?
Guy #2: Dude, I slept with you last night. It doesn't mean anything.
Winnipeg
Manitoba
Canadia
Overheard by: Steph
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Guys | Questions | Relationships | Sex | Sexuality | Posted 2009-07-11 | Email | Quote | Link |