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Grandma Does Have Her Own Fragrance Line
Sentimental girl, about her grandmother: She went all loopy last time!
Comforting friend: No, I am sure she'll be alright.
Sentimental girl: Last time she thought she lived with David Beckham!
East London
England
Overheard by: Luna
Categories: About celebrities | Age and ageing | Friends | Girls | UK | Wishes | Posted 2010-11-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors Just Googled Up 34,000 Hits for "Weird Insertions"
Mother to small boy: No, it's a courgette, dear. You can't light a fire with courgettes.
Sainsbury's Supermarket
Cardiff
Wales
Overheard by: Gordinho
And Yet We Soldier Bravely On
Suit #1: Yeah mate, it was fucking wild...
Suit #2: Oh yeah?
Suit #1: Yeah, took her back to mine. She's a skank. I swear there were spiders crawling out of her vag.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Jesus Laughed.
20-something girl, during candlelight vigil: Popemobile, popemobile, does whatever a popemobile does.
Hyde Park
London
You're As Big a Disappointment As Your Mother!
Elderly lady to six-month-old baby: Now, I want you to say nice and clearly, "here I am, grandmother," when I ask you where you are.
Oxford
England
Categories: Age and ageing | Bringing it back to you | Family ties | Kids | Old folks | UK | Posted 2010-11-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
To Errol Is Human. My Dick: Divine.
Greek girlfriend: She misses you baby.
English boyfriend: Hm?
Greek girlfriend: She misses you.
English boyfriend: Who misses me?
Greek girlfriend: Helena.
English boyfriend: Who's Helena?
Greek girlfriend: My vagina, baby.
Indian guy at table: You named your snatch Helena?! Really? You named your vagina?
Greek girlfriend: Sure, don't you have a name for your dick?
Indian guy and English boyfriend, at same time: No.
Greek girlfriend: I've always thought of your dick as being called Errol, baby.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Also Why Ashley from Real Housewives Of New Jersey Has So Many Friends.
Prissy girl on phone: You have a stupid face. You have to be my friend.
Cardiff
Wales
Overheard by: Gordinho
Categories: Body parts | Comebacks | Girls | Insults | On the phone | Stupidity | UK | Posted 2010-08-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Can't Believe the Army Rejected Me
Guy #1: Hey, did you ever watch Paris Hilton's sex tape?
Guy #2: Yeah, it wasn't a turn-on though, she's in pain. Man, I couldn't wank to that.
Guy #1: Yeah, it'd be like wanking to a rape video.
Guy #3: I'd wank to that.
Glasgow
Scotland
Categories: About celebrities | Guys | Masturbation | Movies | Sex | UK | Violence | Posted 2010-06-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Only If They Don't Squeak
Student: Is it okay to wear leather trousers to a funeral?
Hull University
Hull
England
Categories: Clothing | Colleges & Universities | Death & dying | Etiquette | Students | UK | Posted 2010-06-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gosh, You're Such a Luke.
Guy: And then I'll go home and watch Gilmore Girls. (awkward silence) I mean something manly.
London
England
Overheard by: ohdear
Categories: Gender issues | Guys | Sexuality | TV shows | UK | Posted 2010-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
British Cooking: Further Explained
30-something woman on phone: So I pulled it out of my vagina, and that was that. Shame.
Hull
England
Categories: On the phone | UK | Vagina | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Corner Is the En Suite Bathroom, Hon
American tourist male: It must have been horrible being locked up in a place like that.
American tourist female: It couldn't have been that bad. They had to at least let them out to go to the bathroom.
Dungeon Cell
Tower of London
England
Overheard by: fnordy
Categories: Compare and contrast | Crimes | Tourists | UK | Posted 2010-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Hillary Clinton Dreams
Man in trench coat to group of students: Follow me, and I'll take you to a magical woman.
Newport
Wales
Overheard by: Can I come?
If It'll Be Reflected in Our Grades
Professor: Please don't talk amongst yourselves. When you talk amongst yourselves, I imagine you're saying horrible things like "Who would ever want to shag him?"
Previously chatting student: Don't worry! We all want to shag you!
University of Glasgow
Scotland
UK
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Offers and requests | Questions | Sex | Students | Teachers | UK | Posted 2009-04-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He'd Still Have the Use of Both Hands
Guy, to friend: And so I said to him: "If you'd never seen Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon your life would be so different right now."
Bus
Coventry
England
If Chris Rock Had a Nickel for Every Time He's Heard That...
Teen boy to other teen boy: You'd be racist if you weren't so funny.
Leeds, England
Overheard by: Ashleigh
Categories: Compare and contrast | Compliments | Default | Guys | Race | Teens | UK | Posted 2008-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
For the Last Time, That's Not What Lilliputians Are
Girl: So yeah, it would just be like Gulliver's Travels.
[Pause.]
Boy: There'd be kitten penises everywhere!
Warwick, England
But We Call Them "American Voters"
American chick #1: Ohmigod! Look at those white cows! I've never seen cows like that before!
American chick #2: Maybe they're albino... Or it could be a special British type of cow.
Guy sitting behind them: ... Those are sheep.
Bus, Southern England
Overheard by: pretends to be Canadian
...For Not Telling My Servants to Buy More
Student girl: Aw man, I've no food in the house. It's like I've been robbed, but it's my fault!
Sainsbury's
Lancaster
England
Girls Suffer Most from the British Class System
Girl #1: All they talked about was fannies... And tits... And... Fuckin'... Something else.
Girl #2: Rugby.
Girl #1: Yeah. Rugby.
Warwick
England
Let's Hope English Isn't Her First Language and Move On
Old lady speaking to granddaughter: What exactly is a handjob?
Huddersfield
England
Overheard by: your how old and you don't know what?
Categories: Euphemisms | Family | Masturbation | Old folks | Questions | UK | Women | Words | Posted 2008-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Knew I Should've Let the Doctor Keep You a Girl
Mother to ten-year-old son at supermarket check-out queue: And then we'll go and look for a dress for me.
Ten-year-old son: I'm not going clothes shopping with you. You go in every shop, you try everything on, you never like anything and come home with nothing and I'm not standing around waiting!
[All male members of the queue cheer.]
Luton
England
She Escaped from the Closet and Alerted Red Riding Hood
Fat suit on cell: Damn that grandma!
Russell Square Station
London
England
Categories: Age and ageing | Family ties | Fat people | Guys | Insults | Public transportation | Suits | UK | Words | Posted 2008-04-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
People See Me, but They Don't See Me, If You Follow Me
Man in cow suit: I know lots of people here too. That's why I am keeping a low profile. Well, as much as a man in a cow suit can.
Putney Walkabout
London
England
Categories: Clothes | Compare and contrast | Guys | UK | Posted 2008-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Mean, Tea, Biscuits and Stories about the Blitz...!
Teen boy #1: What? You love old ladies?
Teen boy #2: Like. Like.
Leeds
UK
That's the Fountain on the Right
Loud guy in restaurant: So, we were out shopping and there were all these women in burkas taking pictures of each other. How fucking pointless is that? It's not like they're going to look back afterwards and go, 'Oh, look, there's Doris by the fountain!'
England
What Else Does One Do with a Degree in Theology?
Guy: It's a pity there isn't a commercial nuclear submarine sector, or I would do that.
Oxford
UK
The Very Definition of a Fucking Christian
Stoned girl with drink in one hand and cigarette in the other: I'm a fucking Christian, so I know you're wrong!
Northern Ireland
I Thought David Spade Seemed Nice
Dude to friends: He was a fiend, I tell you! He's a fiend in woman's form.
University of Liverpool
United Kingdom
Two Minds with Slightly Less Than a Single Thought
Student #1: Like, a visible person?
Student #2: Yeah! You know, that was exactly what I was thinking -- a visible person!
Bexhill College
United Kingdom
No, Man, I Just Went Skiing
Chef #1: So, were you on the old devil's dandruff over the weekend? The old Colombian marching powder? [Chef #2 stares blankly and silently.] Is that a yes?
Belfast City Centre
United Kingdom
Before I Steal Their Skin for Lampshades
Tall guy: When we get back to the flat we should measure how tall we all are.
Shorter girl: ... Why?
Tall guy, in creepy, monotone voice: ... I like to measure people.
Manchester
UK
Overheard by: Scared by-stander
Categories: Creepsters | Leisure | UK | Posted 2007-12-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Is Fancy Language for "Written While Stoned"
Guy: ... But in a collision between a goat and a castle, who would win?
Chick: I think the goat would. It's quite a big goat.
Lecturer: Remember -- it's allegorical.
History seminar, British university
UK
Are You Using a Stick?
Father, seeing red squirrel: Shhh...
Son: Aaarrrggghhh!
Father, to passersby: Sorry. We're beating him twice a day, but it doesn't seem to help.
Formby Woods
Liverpool
United Kingdom
With My Penis
Oxford boy #1: I'm going to stab you in the heart.
Oxford boy #2: Last night you stayed at my house and now you want to stab me in the heart?!
London-bound train
United Kingdom
Overheard by: snickering american sisters
And, Even Then, Mostly Cock and Ecstasy
Drunk girl #1: God, I hate you. How do you stay so skinny?
Drunk girl #2: I only eat when I'm drunk.
United Kingdom
Overheard by: Nighttime Smoker
Categories: Diet & weight | Drunks | UK | Posted 2007-09-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Top Secret DoD Pheromone Project
Creepster: ... And that's why all the women in Paris wanted to stroke my head.
Koko
York
UK
Overheard by: Laura
Categories: Creepsters | Gossip | UK | Posted 2007-07-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
