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He Fucks an American for Breakfast, an American for Lunch, and Has a Sensible Dinner?
Very drunk 20-something in kebab shop: I'll have... a large chips... with ketchup... and mayonnaise. (pause) A quarter pounder cheese and bacon burger with extra cheese and bacon. Two pieces of fried chicken... with chili sauce... and a ten-inch pepperoni pizza.
Sober friend #1: Fucking hell, mate, that's a lot of food...
Sober friend #2: Aren't you supposed to be on a diet?
Kebab shop guy, in heavy Cypriot accent: Yeah! He's on a fucking American diet!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Whether This Is a Turn-on or a Turn-off Says a Lot About Her As a Woman
Drunk white guy making out with Indian girl, shouting at a guy with Christian slogans: Oi! Oi! Christians fuck off!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Categories: Christianity | Drunks | England | Insults | Weirdness | Posted 2011-08-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ask Kevin Bacon
Concerned-looking boyfriend: Yes, but it might not be kosher.
Indifferent Londoner girlfriend: I don't think it's an issue.
Concerned-looking boyfriend: I dunno... If I eat pork... And you suck me off... Does that mean my cum is non-kosher?
Indifferent Londoner girlfriend: Sweetie, I told you, I'm Jewish, but when it comes to jizz I just don't care.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Acute Infection's Not All That Cute
Drunk gay guy in pub garden, at top of voice: So I got hepatitis c when I was fisting this guy... There was blood everywhere.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Your Editors Are Not Proud Of Having Seen This
Confused-sounding girl on cell: I could fit an orange in my vagina?
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Alcohol Helps You Deal with the Strange.
Guy in pub, having just arrived at the table where his friends are: I have had the strangest day, and I'm not even drunk yet.
Canterbury
England
Overheard by: Noel
Categories: Drinking & drunks | England | Feelings | Guys | Weirdness | Posted 2011-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Difference Between the U.S. and the Rest Of the World
Large American girl: So I asked him, "what's your problem?"
British girl: What did he say?
Large American girl: He said I was too fat.
British girl: Oh...
Large American girl: Motherfucker doesn't realize that big is beautiful.
Drunk British guy behind them: That's a whole lotta big! Chub, chub, chub!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Categories: Beauty | Diet & weight | England | Girls | Questions | Posted 2011-07-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Duck and I Were Reenacting the Dunkirk Evacuation!
Chav, showing off in front of group of underage girls: Yes bruv, you don't even know, there was this duck, yeah, and I snapped its neck, innit! It was swimmin' around with its head loose making stupid noises!
Slightly older chav friend: Breds, you're talking shit, man. Number one, if you snapped a duck's neck it wouldn't still be swimming. B, I was there, remember, that fucking duck bit you on the hand, bruv and you screamed like a woman and ran away.
Cambridgeshire
England
Overheard by: Tim C
I Was Like, "Did All That Come Out Of Me?"
Drunk 20-something girl with iPhone to friends: Hey, have a look at my photos of me getting done up the arse last night!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Paul McCartney and Heather Mills Hammer Out a Payment Plan
Girl: So if you won £100,000,000 on the lottery what would you do?
Guy: Settle some scores. There'd be a few guys from school who'd be going to work one day and suddenly find themselves being bundled into the back of a van with a black bag over their head.
Girl: Then flown out over the north Atlantic, tied up, thrown out of the plane?
Guy: I like the way you think. We should have kids.
Girl: Nah, to get into my pants you'll need to do better than that. £2,000 of jewelery would do it. (cackles hysterically)
London
England
Overheard by: Bleep
That's What He Calls His Penis.
Man at urinal, peeing, to no one in particular: This toilet smells like my sadness.
Bar
London
England
Overheard by: Dirty PJ
Categories: England | Guys | Pee | Philosophy | Sensory experiences | Posted 2011-06-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Darling, Should We Rethink the Flat-Earth Primary School?
Seven-year-old son: And then you two are going to go home and... (whistles)
Father: Meaning?
Seven-year-old son: Have sex.
Mother: Darren!
Five-year-old son: Don't be silly! Girls don't have sex.
London
England
Overheard by: Bleep
That's Just Crazy Enough to Work!
Drunk guy: Yeah, well, you could spunk on her face, then lick your jizz off her dreadlocks.
Pub
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Nine Months Later, I Had You.
Student: So then I turned round and there was a snake in my bacon!
Birchwood Community High School
Warrington
England
We Fear for Our Submitter's Health
Very drunk 20-something guy: Honestly, I get a pulse in my dick when I talk to you. I'm going to fuck you tonight.
Rough-looking chain smoking 50-something woman: Oh yeah?
Very drunk 20-something guy: I'm so hard right now... Have a feel.
Rough-looking chain smoking 50-something woman, grabbing hold of his crotch: You're totally flaccid.
(very drunk 20-something bursts into hysterical laughter)
Nightclub
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Categories: Drunks | England | Penis | Sensory experiences | Wishes | Posted 2011-06-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Takes a Gag Reflex to Raise a Child Never Made It to the Best-Seller List
Flustered mother to screaming toddler: Stop that shouting, or I'll be sick on you!
(toddler shuts up abruptly)
Leeds
England
Overheard by: Magpie
Ad: This Message Brought to You by the Society for the Prevention Of Children
Father, dragging boy for being naughty: I have had enough of this! You're a horrible child!
Son: But I won't do it again, I promise! (cries hysterically)
Father: Yes, you said that 13 times ago, but you still do it! You're a horrible boy, so we're going to disown you.
Son: Nooooo!
Father: Shut up.
Telford
England
Overheard by: nicmunn
Why Would I Wipe It Off?
Suit: So yeah, I found out how my boss's boss takes his tea, and I took him a cup this morning, along with a muffin.
Non-suit: And did you remember to take a napkin to wipe his feces from your nose?
London
England
Overheard by: Eastender
David Arquette Loves Visiting the U.K.
Quiet, intense, plain chubby girl to skinny guy with child-molester mustache: When you fuck me, choke me.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Blee
Categories: England | Fat people | Girls | Offers and requests | Sensory experiences | Sex | Posted 2011-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ten Bucks Says She's Fucking Other Guys on It.
Shaven-headed guy #1, while pissing: So she says to me, "can you take out the rubbish?" I said no. Then she asked me, "can you change the cat litter?" I said no. Then she asked me, "can you fix the back door..?"
Shaven-headed guy #2, while pissing: And you said no?
Shaven-headed guy #1: Yeah. Anyway, so for Valentine's Day she gets me a ping pong table. I didn't get her anything. And now I won't let her use the ping pong table.
Shaven-headed guy #2: You're the fucking man, mate!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Categories: England | Gifts | Guys | Offers and requests | Relationships | Posted 2011-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'll Barely Have Time to Throw a Fuck Into You
Guy holding another in headlock and punching him in the face, shouting across road to immensely fat girlfriend: Charl! Get that fucking taxi! We gotta get home or the babysitter'll want extra pay.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Watch Your Tongue, Missy!
Guy: I'm not sure that rocking up and offering cunnilingus is going to help my cause.
Girl: Worth a try, though...
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
At Least Death Has a Job in This Economy.
Imaginative little boy to brother: That's evil's house, and then death comes walking out of it and he's like, "I hate my job." And then he accidentally taps his wife on the head and is like, "noooo!"
London
England
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Categories: Death & dying | England | Jobs & Careers | Kids | Relationships | Weirdness | Posted 2011-05-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Gonna Get Along Swimmingly, Mate.
Drunk #1: I'm telling you man, these fucking guys raped a fish.
Drunk #2: What fucking guys?
Drunk #1: In Africa. They raped a fish. That's why the fish have to wear condoms, so they don't have fish babies with bulging human eyes.
Drunk #3: How the fuck did we get from talking about his (gestures towards drunk #2) sister's hairy vulva to fish rape?
Drunk #4: How the fuck would you even rape a fish anyway?
Drunk #1: Gut it and wank with its corpse?
Drunk #2, knowingly: Or freeze it and push it up your arse.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
A Gentleman Doesn't Make You Bleed 'til the Third Date
Stoned girl at party: I don't think I'm gonna call him back, he was fingering me in pretty rapey way.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Categories: Druggies | England | Girls | Masturbation | Sensory experiences | Violence | Posted 2011-05-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Do Shut Up and Finish Your Propofol, Darling
Seven-year-old boy: How did Michael Jackson die?
Mother: He had too many tablets and his heart stopped.
Seven-year-old boy: I'd like that to happen to Justin Bieber.
Hertfordshire
England
Overheard by: Corbin
Categories: About celebrities | Death & dying | England | Kids | Moms | Questions | Wishes | Posted 2011-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, Did I Enjoy It?
Hot girl: Wait, we just had sex?
Hot guy: We just finished having sex like five minutes ago, do you not remember any of it?
Hot girl: Nope.
Hot guy: Actually, we just finished like thirty seconds ago...
Oxford
England
Further Evidence That It's Damaging to Let Your Kids Watch Too Many Cartoons
Muffled male voice, through the wall, at the end of an increasing crescendo of sex noises: Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats hoooooooooo!
Hotel
Nottingham
England
Overheard by: Bleep
I Blame the Curry
Drunk man outside curry restaurant, face down on pavement, screaming: I've shit myself! I've shit myself! I've shit myself!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Laziest. Robbers. Ever.
Student: No, we're not wearing clown masks. I don't want to have to make the effort.
Sixth Form College
England
Overheard by: Becca
I Draw the Line at the Elephant Man, Though
Guy #1: Wow, you like them big.
Guy #2: No, I can do fingers. As long as it's a Chernobyl mate with, like, fifteen of them.
England
Overheard by: Noel
Categories: Body parts | Character | England | Guys | Weirdness | Posted 2011-03-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...So Just Let Me Trim the Ellen Haircut Already!
Annoyed teenage boy to girlfriend: You've got to understand that I'm never going to be Justin Bieber!
London
England
Overheard by: KK
Categories: About celebrities | Compare and contrast | Couples | England | Relationships | Posted 2011-03-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Won't Feel a Thing, I Promise
Long-nosed cute blond girl: So you're basically offering to fuck me in the arse?
Drunk guy: Not in the arse per se, but I can't guarantee that I won't get the wrong hole and just go for it.
Long-nosed cute blond girl: You do know we just met five minutes ago?
Drunk guy: What can I say? I work fast.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Categories: Ass | Backdoor | Drunks | England | Girls | Offers and requests | Philosophy | Posted 2011-03-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's 1 A.M., Sir.
Paralytically drunk trainee Russian orthodox priest, lying on pool table, smoking a joint: Fuck! I've got to get to church in two hours...
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
What the Fuck Is Going on in Leamington Spa??
Very drunk 20-something girl in miniskirt #1, singing: Fill my hole, fill my hole, fill my hole, fuh-uh-illlll my hole!
Very drunk 20-something in miniskirt #2#: Becky*! Don't sing that!
Very drunk 20-something girl in miniskirt #1#, singing off key: But I just waaaaant you to fuh-illll mah ho-alll!
Very drunk 20-something girl in miniskirt #2# to passing man: She's training to be a vet. She's not usually like this, she's had a bit too much to drink.
Man: Yeah... She wants someone to fill her hole.
Very drunk 20-something girl in miniskirt #1#: I'm not drunk!
Man: I believe you.
(very drunk 20-something girl in miniskirt 1# holds hand over mouth and impressively sprays vomit in five directions)
Very drunk 20-something in miniskirt #2#: Becky*, I think we're going to have to get a taxi...
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
I Still Hate to Buy Her a Two-Year Planner, Though
Guy on one side of the store: So how's your friend who has cancer?
Woman in queue, thirty feet away: Oh, she's getting better!
Guy: Really?
Woman: Yeah, they put her on this herbal diet and now she's getting better.
Guy: Wow.
Woman: Yeah, it's amazing.
Guy: So what sort of cancer is it?
Woman: I'm not sure...
Guy: Is it terminus cancer?
Woman: Yeah, I think that's it.
Guy: Terminus cancer, yeah?
Woman: Yeah, yeah, but she's getting better.
London
England
Overheard by: Irongate
What the Fuck Is Going on in Leamington Spa??
20-something drunk girl, pointing at traffic lights, to friends: Shhhh! We have to be quiet! This is where the dwarf lives!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
One Has to Love One's Own Nipples First, I Suppose
Young boy: I just wish this bus would come so I can stop thinking about my nipples.
Bus Stop
England
William Shatner's Still Got It!
Student girl in beige Uggs: So, who was that guy you were with last night?
Student girl in brown Uggs: Ugh, well I don't actually know his real name, I just call him Captain Kirk, because he kinda looks like him, y'know?
Leeds
England
Categories: About celebrities | England | Girls | Names | Sex | Posted 2010-12-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just As Long As It's Hot, Steamy Coffee, Okay?
20-something girl, skipping over to expensive jewelery shop window: Ooooh! Sparkly things!
20-something guy: Fuck.
20-something girl, eyes shining with delight: Oh... Look at the rings... They're beautiful! (sighs)
20-something guy: No.
20-something girl: Look at that one! It's cheap!
20-something guy: It's £450!
20-something girl: You just got paid! Oh, look! That one's even prettier and sparklier!
20-something guy: Granted... But there's also no price tag... So it's probably gonna be £1,000 at least.
20-something girl, resignedly: Yeah. (perks up) But you're my friend... (pleading voice) Buy me a ring... Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssse!
20-something guy: Look, for a £1,000 ring I'm going to expect at least a couple of shags.
20-something girl: True. Oh, well. Let's go get coffee. (skips off)
Burlington Arcade
London
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Tonight on How I Met Your Motherfucker
Very drunk 20-something girl trying to play darts: So what do I do?
30-something guy #1: Just throw 'em.
30-something guy #2: Failing that, love, just take your top off.
Very drunk 20-something girl: Cheeky motherfucker! Get me a vodka and I'll do it!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Drunks | England | Girls | Guys | Insults | Offers and requests | Sex | Posted 2010-09-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, You're Just Still Pissed That I Stole Your Lucky Charms.
Bearded elderly Irish tramp: Fuck you! Fuck you, you hellspawn of Satan! You diseased monkey fucking dog wanking shitcunt!
Man, passing by: Pardon?
Bearded elderly Irish tramp: You heard me, you twat! You cocksucking pedophile wanker! (turning to passing woman) Excuse me my dear, I'm terribly sorry to bother you, but could you spare a pound?
Woman, passing by: Sorry, no.
Bearded elderly Irish tramp: God bless you! (turns back to passing man) Go fuck yourself, you cunt! I'll vomit on your fucking dog!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Better Than Being Spineless, I Guess.
Peasant husband in bookshop, holding up book: Hey, look at this!
Peasant wife: That's the problem with books, they make you do things.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
...Let Us Pray
20-something nasty-looking girl in pub, scratching furiously down trousers: Jesus, my clunge itches!
Leamington Spa
England
Who Invited Her?
Drunk guy #1: So what you're saying is, we rip the spine out of a dog?
Drunk guy #2: Yeah, but then you put a robotic spine in. You could get a remote-controlled dog.
Drunk guy #1: Shit, we could control its bark function.
Drunk girl: And make it ski.
Leamington Spa
England
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | England | Health & Hygiene | Stupidity | Posted 2010-08-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Goodness, Just Look at the Time!
Tanorexic blonde on date: So basically the fucking doctor told me that my cervix is fucked up.
Uncomfortable-looking date: Right...
Tanorexic blonde on date: Yeah. Cunt told me that it'd be like pushing a baby through a toothpaste tube. I gotta go get it widened or some shit like that. Or that thing where they cut you open...
Uncomfortable-looking date: A caesarian?
Tanorexic blonde on date: Yeah. That's it. Baby kebab.
Leamington Spa
England
Categories: Anorexics | Body parts | Compare and contrast | Couples | England | Food | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Pregnancy | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Competition for Upper Class Twit Of the Year Heats Up
Skinny ginger guy: Oh, don't over-egg the omelet!
Gorgeous girl: Uh... Omelets are mainly made of egg...?
Skinny ginger guy: Just because you wear glasses and go to university you think you're so smart. Well you're not. Because you're a girl! Nerrrrrrrrr!
Nottingham
England
Overheard by: Concerned_citizen
Categories: Comebacks | Education | England | Food | Gender issues | Girls | Guys | Skinny people | Posted 2010-08-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Also Why Children Love the Berenstein Bears
Teen girl to teen friends: I wish I was mixed race--not really black. I mean, you're brown all year round.
Nottingham
England
Overheard by: Johnny
The Zagat Guide Says So
Guy: You never know, perhaps he'll like it.
Girl, happily: I taste... Horrendous!
Oxford
England
Overheard by: Tim
Categories: England | Girls | Guys | Sensory experiences | Weirdness | Posted 2010-07-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...With a Three-Valium Chaser?
Posh-sounding, punk-looking 20-year-old girl on cell: You want to kill yourself? Oh. Have you tried having a having cup of tea?
London
England
Overheard by: Richard
Nature: 3 Nurture: 0
Five-year-old boy, watching news about Priscilla Queen of the Desert on tv: Those ladies look very strange.
Dad: They're actually men dressed as ladies, Edward.
Five-year-old boy: I'm going to dress like that when I'm a man!
London
England
Overheard by: Murray
Ten Bucks Says He Still Tries to Sleep with Her
Serious gentleman: The historical figure from recent history that I most respect? I'd have to say... Gandhi.
Cute young woman: Gandhi? I think I've seen some of his work...
Dinner Party
London
England
Your Editors Can Only Hope That Means Something Different in England
Mother: So where are we going now?
Young son: Poon! Wooo!
Newcastle
England
Overheard by: Cate
See? You're Obviously a New Yorker!
Nigerian guy, joking: Ha ha! Yeah, it's probably because I am black, hey.
American girl: Oh my god, you can't say that! You have to say "African-American."
Nigerian guy: But I'm not African-American; I'm Nigerian. I suppose you could say "African"?
American girl: No, look, we learned it in elementary school! It's "African-American"!
Nigerian guy: Okay... So you're Scandinavian, by that rationale.
American girl: No, I'm American! You're African-American!
English guy: Please shut the fuck up.
Cambridge
England
Overheard by: TopCat
That Hoe!
Weird emo girl: I've still got bruises from the first time she hit me with a wheelbarrow!
Bridgwater College
Somerset
England
Categories: Colleges & Universities | England | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Violence | Posted 2010-05-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Wolf Was No Match for Grandma
Dad: Later, we need to find grandma a boyfriend.
Seven-year-old son: Grandma already has a boyfriend, though.
Dad: Really? Who?
Seven-year-old son: She's married to granddad!
Dad: No, no, your other grandma.
Seven-year-old son: Oh yeah, she really needs a boyfriend.
Train
Manchester
England
Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | England | Family ties | Kids | Relationships | Train | Posted 2010-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Like Hitler Did
20-something boy: I think I am dropping out of college?
20-something girl: So? What are you going to do then?
20-something boy: Become an artist.
20-something girl: And do what?
20-something boy: Paint some shit and get paid for that.
Camden Market
London
England
Categories: England | Girls | Guys | Jobs & Careers | Wishes | Posted 2010-04-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Was Lovely Talking to You
Grad student #1, receiving a detailed explanation of the theory of evolution: Well, you seem to know much more about the subject than I do...
Grad student #2: I have creationist parents.
Oxford
England
Categories: Compare and contrast | Education | England | Students | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Thanks, European Colonialism!
Ditzy 13-year-old brunette: That's so cool! She's French and (whispers) black. I didn't know you could get those!
Woldingham Sacred Heart School
England
Overheard by: on the floor laughing
Categories: England | Race | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Stupidity | Tweens | Posted 2010-04-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Says She Needs the Practice
Elderly woman to friends: Oh, she's lovely, she even offered to sleep in the coffin!
Cambridge
England
Categories: Death & dying | England | Offers and requests | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-04-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like Cats
Student on bike to another: The problem with string theory nowadays is that everyone just wants to get into it.
Cambridge
England
Overheard by: Anti-Math
But the Fox Would Never Forgive Me
Man with strange beard to friend: My girlfriend would love me forever if I got her a fox's skull.
London
England
Which Isn't Very Hard.
Guy to date: And then, after work, he sorts out men's erectile dysfunction.
Greek Restaurant
London
England
Overheard by: Sam Veale
Categories: England | Guys | Maladies | Restaurants | Sex | Posted 2010-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Police Will Ask Questions You Don't Want to Answer
Mother to daughter: Just remember, honey, next time you borrow my dildo, don't get blood on it.
Leeds
England
Categories: England | Family ties | Masturbation | Moms | Parenting | Toys | Posted 2010-03-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Your Electricity Bill, Erica.
Woman on cell: So what should I do? Tap dance all over it?
Skipton
England
Overheard by: Fredwina
Categories: Dancing | England | On the phone | Questions | Women | Posted 2010-03-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Goal Is to Prevent That, Not Hasten It
Son, in dog food aisle: Why don't we buy this one?
Mom: Because he won't eat it.
Son: But it's cheaper!
Mom: And therefore not good for him.
Son: I don't see what the problem is, he'll be dead soon.
Tesco Supermarket
England
Categories: Animals | Death & dying | England | Food | Moms | Shopping | Should have used a condom | Posted 2010-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...With the Red Carpet
Teenage girl on cell: I'm not saying that I want to be famous, I know not everyone can be famous, I'm just saying that's the one thing I've always, like, aspired to, just a beautiful connection.
Huddersfield
England
Categories: England | On the phone | Stupidity | Teens | Wishes | Posted 2010-02-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Don't Bi That for a Minute
Girl to another, leaving bus: But you can't make everybody be gay!
London
England
Who Also Happens to Be My Husband.
Teen mum #1 with baby in pushchair: Ah! Lovely baby boy! Who's the father?
Teen mum #2 with baby in pushchair: That scumbag from the pub a few months back.
Clothes Store
Dartford
England
Even Circumcising Them Is Dicey
Man to wife: The only reason it's an aphrodisiac is because it takes huge balls to cut the penis off a tiger.
Burough Market
London
England
Overheard by: Justyn Egert
...I Don't Care What Your Forensics Team Found.
Male lecturer to friend: Well: in my defense, it wasn't my dildo.
Lancaster University
England
Categories: Colleges & Universities | England | Guys | Masturbation | Toys | Posted 2010-02-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Easy to Predict Which Kids Will Suffer Most in School
Four-year-old girl on push scooter, to mum: The steering is counter-intuitive!
Oxfordshire
England
Categories: Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | England | Kids | Sensory experiences | Weirdness | Posted 2010-01-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Need My Face for Other Things
Flamboyant grad student, on ice skating: I went years ago... and fell flat on my face. Then I decided that I was too important for this!
Oxford
England
Categories: Body parts | Bragging | Compare and contrast | England | Leisure | Pride | Students | Posted 2010-01-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Skinny Jeans Don't Count, Roger.
Guy: Well, it all started during the week that I was cross-dressing...
Leeds
England
Overheard by: Paul
...If She Tries to Get Out Of Going to Preschool Again.
Guy on cell, very angrily: Fuck you! (then suddenly calm) Well, that's what I was thinking of saying to her...
Brighton
England
Categories: England | Grumpies | Guys | Insults | On the phone | Relationships | Posted 2010-01-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I Still Have That Restraining Order Against the Koosh Kins
Man to wife: You can bring the Beanie Babies if you really want.
Brighton
England
Overheard by: Randy
Oh, Tina Turner, We Know.
Hungover girl: Oh my god! Look at my hair, it's a mess! I look like a horse's vagina!
Flight above London
England
Just Really Effeminate Little Boys with Long, Flowing Hair
Mother, queuing at nativity play: Well, of course, she was disappointed to be a shepherd. I mean, children are smart these days. She knows full well there weren't any female shepherds back then.
Milton Keynes
England
Categories: England | Jobs & Careers | Kids | Moms | Posted 2009-12-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Forgot to Add "...My Penis?"
Normal, fairly cute boy: Excuse me.
Normal, fairly cute girl: Yes? (stops walking)
Normal, fairly cute boy: Are you interested in any global issues? Aids, the environment, human rights?
Normal, fairly cute girl: Honestly, no. (walks away)
Normal, fairly cute boy: Oh. (looks really confused and a little crushed)
Outside Library
University of York
England
Overheard by: Even I thought it was a bit harsh!
Seems Rather a Moat Point
Middle aged man on phone: Maraud my castle?
Bath
England
Overheard by: Clara Lee
Categories: England | Guys | On the phone | Questions | Violence | Posted 2009-12-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Can Hear You All Blinking
Boy to giggling girl #1: I like your eyelashes, they're really long.
(jealous silence)
Giggling girl #2: The rest of us have eyelashes too!
Twickenham
England
Overheard by: Becca
Categories: Body parts | Bringing it back to you | Compliments | England | Girls | Guys | Posted 2009-12-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And If You Have Any Train-Driving Experience, Please Report to the Front Car.
Conductor: Welcome on board the 4:15 service to Wolverhampton, calling at Smethwick, Sandwell and... Oh god, my head... (mic cuts out for a while) Sandwell... and Dudley, and Wolverhampton... (breathes heavily, deep sigh, mic cuts out again)
Birmingham to Wolverhampton Train
England
Overheard by: xSJBx
Categories: Conductors | England | Headaches | Public Transportation | Train | Weirdness | Posted 2009-12-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Introducing Madame Toussaud's Naughtiest Exhibition Yet
Enthusiastic undergraduate to group of friends: I never knew you could do that with wax!
Oxford
England
Overheard by: Intrigued Grad Student
Nope-- Just My Virginity.
Girl to boy: I thought you lost your voice when you dropped your laptop?
Queens Park Community School
London
England
Categories: England | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Laptops | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Posted 2009-11-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What You Said at the Pyramids Of Giza
Tourist: It's like Times Square with less fat people!
Piccadilly Circus
London
England
Overheard by: Stuart
Categories: Compare and contrast | Diet & weight | England | Tourists | Posted 2009-11-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...When They Ask Why We Can't Have Lunch with Them?
Girl: So we're telling them genital warts, then?
Devon
England
That Would Be a Great Name for a Stripper.
Guy on phone: It's not just all about marzipan!
London
England
Overheard by: K
Categories: England | Food | Guys | On the phone | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Faux-Posh Accent Never Fooled Me
Old lady #1: I've never liked her!
Old lady #2: She was a shit at school, and she's a shit now.
West Midlands
England
Your Editors Can't Wait for That Sitcom
Very short gay man: It's so hard being a vegetarian. My parents can't accept my sexuality or my religion... I'm living in a toilet!
Guernsey
England
Overheard by: Catie
My First Lesbian Experience: An Essay.
Girl: She showed me, like, everything, and stuff like that.
Dagenham
England
Overheard by: Anthony Mercer
Guess Which One Grew Up with Maids
Girl #1: So, yeah, I was just going to set the hoover to suck, and use that.
Girl #2: Do hoovers suck?
Oxford
England
It's the Germany Of the United States.
Guy in "I heart NJ" shirt: Could you take our picture?
German tourist: Sure.
Guy in "I heart NJ" shirt: Thanks a lot, man.
German tourist: You luv New Jer-see?
Guy in "I heart NJ" shirt: Hell yeah!
German tourist: You za own-lee vun!
London
England
Overheard by: Joyful One
Categories: England | Feelings | Foreigners | Offers and requests | Questions | Tourists | Weirdness | Posted 2009-10-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Only If You Leave Your Driver's License As Collateral
Goth guy to goth girlfriend: Can I borrow your blood?
Rochester
England
Overheard by: Bewildered Techie
Categories: Couples | England | Goths | Health & Hygiene | Offers and requests | Weirdness | Posted 2009-10-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Do They Procreate?
Girl: The squid's like an octopus, don't you think?
Older woman: There's no pussy about it.
Birmingham
England
Overheard by: Helz
Fucking Buy Some, Drama Queen
Hysterical girl to people around her: Have you got crayons? Have you got crayons? Have you got crayons? Have you got any crayons? Do you have crayons?! Have you got crayons?!?! Argh! No one has crayons!
England
Categories: England | Girls | Offers and requests | Strangers | Stupidity | Posted 2009-08-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Besides, It's Been Done to Death
Girl: I'm not sure if I can be bothered dying.
London
England
Categories: Death & dying | England | Girls | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Just on That Lady's Shoes.
Overexcited boy in cafe: Mum, mum, mum! Can I play with my new toy? Can I? Can I? Can I?
Disinterested mum: Sure.
Overexcited boy, holding toy: Look! I'm holding my winkle. And I'm peeing. I'm peeing all over the drinks. There's wee everywhere!
Disinterested mum: No, there isn't.
Kingston-Upon-Thames
England
Overheard by: Ben
Categories: Drinking & drunks | England | Kids | Moms | Offers and requests | Parenting | Pee | Should have used a condom | Toys | Posted 2009-08-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sometimes I Like to Playfully Snap My Own Strap!
Girl browsing underwear section: I love this bra--you'd wear it just to play with yourself, you know?
Wiltshire
England
Overheard by: J
Who Couldn't?!
Guy: If you could put a moose and en elk in a wind tunnel, could you work out which one generates more lift better if they were the right way up or upside down?
London
England
Overheard by: Bemused
I Can Only Answer Questions Like "Tubey or Not Tubey?"
Young girl: So what do you think I should do?
Girlfriend: I spent most of last night eating cheese out of a tube. I really don't think I'm the best person to ask for advice about your love life.
London
England
Overheard by: LondonCoffee
Another BBC2 Documentary Fails to Thrill
Respectable, middle-aged woman: I have considered becoming an alcoholic.
Devon
England
Overheard by: Jess
Categories: Drinking & drunks | England | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-08-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
An Equation That Changes After Puberty
Mom to young daughter: No, you don't get a lollipop just because you're wearing underwear.
Dulwich Village
London
England
Overheard by: Didn't get a lollipop either
Mr. Bradshaw Sometimes Needs Help with the Basics
Loud guy on cell: Terry! Terry! Listen to me! Use that shampoo! And the conditioner! Get your hair the same way it was last week! (pause) Okay, see you there. Bye.
Oxford Street
London
England
Categories: Advice | Bathing | Cleanliness | England | Guys | Hair | On the phone | Posted 2009-07-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors Badly Want to Hear the Joke for Which This Is the Punchline
Woman to another: And I said to him, "well, if I had oily hands, I wouldn't come into your office and wipe them on your underpants!"
Portsmouth
England
Then I Found Out She Had an Anne Frank Fetish and I Was Like, "Whew!"
Barmaid: I was having sex with a girl, and in the heat of the moment she called me Frank. Which is horrifying, as that's her dad's name.
Pub
Surrey
England
Categories: Baristas | Bars & Clubs | England | Family ties | Names | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Badly
Teenage boy, pointing at his dad: Kill him!
Mom: I can't do that! He just got his hair cut!
Dagenham
Essex
England
Overheard by: Anthony Mercer
The New Oxyclean Commercials Aren't for Everyone
Young man on cell: So there's someone cleaning their floor with the blood of one of their relatives, and it's like...a bit much, you know?
Bus, Denmark Hill
London
England
Overheard by: trying not to turn around
Categories: Bus | Cleanliness | England | Family ties | Guys | Health & Hygiene | On the phone | Posted 2009-07-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hugh Grant Sparkles in Four Curries and a Ridicule
Man to patiently smiling girlfriend: Well...uh...I make quite a *mean* tuna fish curry. Uh...*or* a sardine curry. Uh...and have been *ridiculed* for it.
Clifton
Bristol
England
Overheard by: Sarah
The Camera Loves You, by the Way
Reporter to bodyguard for racist, fascist political party holding a press conference: Can you tell us why we're not being allowed to enter?
Bodyguard: You've printed repeated and insidious lies about our party.
Reporter, after long pause: We're a tv station.
Manchester
England
NewsFlash: Englishman Has Sense Of Humor. Film at 11.
Pilot, after riding tarmac for 20 minutes: Ladies and gentleman, this concludes our first two miles of our trip from London-Heahtrow International to Newark International. We do hope you enjoyed our lovely tarmac. The flight will commence once air traffic gives the all-clear for takeoff.
Heathrow International Airport
London
England
Overheard by: tired traveler
Categories: Airports & flights | England | Pilots | Public Transportation | Stupidity | Posted 2009-06-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Probably Not Abortion Doctors.
Student on phone: Did you know doctors get fifty percent off of Domino's pizzas?
University of Sussex Campus
England
Overheard by: Zaney
Categories: Colleges & Universities | England | Food | Jobs & Careers | Money | On the phone | Questions | Students | Posted 2009-06-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Maybe British Pizza.
Construction worker eating pizza: So basically, pizza is just glorified cheese on toast.
Hatton Garden
London
England
Overheard by: Katy Out To Lunch
Categories: Compare and contrast | Construction workers | England | Food | Posted 2009-06-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So This Better Be at Least Three Karats.
(drunk boy pulls out diamond ring and offers it to drunk girl)
Drunk girl: Fuck you, Tim! You fell asleep at dinner!
London
England
Overheard by: Tequila Sally
Americans: "See? It's Not Just Us."
15-year-old female student, staring at results of geography test: But I thought Wales was that bunch of small islands at the top of Scotland...
Secondary School
England
John Lennon's "Imagine" Went Through Several Preliminary Drafts
Blonde girl: Haha, imagine if my flange was a romantic love chasm... It's more of a cheeky fuckhole.
Loughborough
England
Overheard by: Gibson
The English Won't Serve Pizza to Just Anyone
Mother to small child: So Paul just has to prove he's a woman now. So that should be fine.
Restaurant
London
England
Overheard by: sneaking a peek
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | England | Moms | Names | Restaurants | Sexuality | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-06-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And She Makes an Excellent Paperweight
20-something blonde: It's just...she can't talk, all she does is scream and cry. She's not even a real person yet. I just don't understand how you can love her so much!
Redhead, lovingly cradling baby: Shit, hon, you have to stop saying things like that. She's your daughter!
Café Nero
London
England
Overheard by: Nit
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | England | Family ties | Feelings | Girls | Moms | Restaurants | Posted 2009-06-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Grabbing Other Women's Butts Is a Cultural Thing.
College girl from England: Hey, whoa, are you drunk?
College girl from Prague: No! I'm Czech!
Royal Holloway University of London
England
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Drinking & drunks | England | Foreigners | Geography | Girls | Language barrier | Questions | Students | Posted 2009-06-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Cute Puppets!
Guy to couple: Hey there, what are you doing ?
Man: I'm teaching Nikki sexual sign language.
Hinckley
England
Do You....Want A Hug Now?
Glamorous blonde mother, curiously: Did I pay you enough attention as a child?
Dark haired alternative daughter: Um...how do you mean?
Glamorous blonde mother: Did I not hug you enough?
Daughter: Why?
Glamorous blonde mother: Well, you're not...well...not very mainstream are you?
Daughter, in shock: Well, if there's anything wrong with me, it's your fault, isn't it!
Liverpool
England
How Else Can You Make an Omelette, Though?
Girl to friends: Well, he's really nice, but I'm not sure if he'd like destroying the babies.
Oxford
England
Overheard by: HERTFORD
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Default | England | Girls | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Now It's My Turn to Say Something About Cavity Searches
Security: What are you studying?
Girl checking books in X-ray machine: Proper oral technique.
Security: (snickers)
Girl: Dentistry!
Security: Oh.
Airpot
Newcastle
England
Categories: Airports & flights | Candy | Default | Employees | England | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Questions | Posted 2009-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
British Cooking: Explained
Boy eating lunch: I am without sin! That's why potatoes come down my chimney!
Dagenham
Essex
England
Overheard by: Anthony Mercer
You Told Me That Was Medicine!
Kid: I wish I was as fat as you, mummy.
Mother: Mummy should not have had that ice cream.
GAP Fitting Room
Tunbridge Wells
England
Overheard by: Jim Giraffe
According to Wiki
Drunk girl at pub table: It's just that guys get sex changes all the time and then realize it's not so fun. They just think it'd be awesome to have boobs.
London
England
Overheard by: Grew her own boobs.
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Body parts | Compare and contrast | Default | Drunks | England | Girls | Sex | Posted 2009-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Did You Have to Use a Staple Remover, Though?
Enthusiastic woman, yelling over hand dryer: Circumcision is the way forward!
Women's Bathroom
The Gate, Newcastle
England
Overheard by: Mell
So Another Good Thing Is, I'm Resourceful
Friend #1: We should all say something about ourselves. One thing good and one thing bad.
Friend #2: What about you?
Friend #1: Well, I have a good sense of humor. And I guess something bad would be that the other day, I slept with some person because I didn't have a place to stay, but in the morning, I'd forgotten his name...so when he went out his room I had to search through it to find some kind of identity card of his so I could pretend I knew it all along. His name was Richard.
Pub
London Bridge
England
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Compare and contrast | Default | England | Friends | Names | Questions | Sex | Posted 2009-05-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Just Two Very Misguided People Colliding in Space
Redhead to 30-something man: You like Jason Mraz. I like Jason Mraz. Therefore, we're not having an affair.
Line for Jason Mraz Concert
Hammersmith Apollo, London
England
Overheard by: Tom
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | England | Music | Relationships | Sexuality | Women | Posted 2009-05-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So Then They Both Went Out for Fro-Yo
20-something girl at bar: So then Steve went to Danny's house, and he had to break his legs, cos...you know...
Friend: Yeah, that's a shame.
Brighton
England
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Body parts | Default | England | Friends | Girls | Gossip | Violence | Posted 2009-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From George Washington: The E! True Hollywood Story
Suit #1, very seriously: And she was totally fixated on Martha. So I said to Martha, who swings both ways, you know, I said: "this girl is in serious need of some fanny," but the trouble is, she's found god.
Suit #2: The worst coitus interruptus in the world! That Martha's a complete nutjob, though.
Bookstore
Liverpool
England
And I'm Lactose Intolerant.
Teenage girl on cell: I don't get on with him at all...we're just like bread and butter.
London
England
Overheard by: Steve Elliott
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | England | Food | Girls | Relationships | Teens | Words | Posted 2009-04-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Soccer Hooligans Become Art Critics
Man in tracksuit to friends: That fucking Rembrandt's a cunt!
Chester
England
"Cake Box" May Be the Best Speaker Label We've Had on This Site
American guy carrying cake box: And the 911 operator just hears "you fucking whore!" and the line goes dead. Seven hours later, the cops show up.
Incredulous Asian girl: And they were all dead?
American guy: Oh yeah, all of 'em were dead. That's why you're much better off being middle class in this country, health-wise.
London
England
Overheard by: Jai
Potato, Potahto
Girl to pizza delivery guy: So that's a meat feast, a ham and pineapple, a chicken supreme, and a Margherita for Amy because she's a lesbian.
Amy: I'm a vegetarian!
Sheffield
England
Unsociable Wankers, the British
Blonde American student: For some reason, when I get high I get paranoid that everyone around me is jerking off!
University of London
England
Overheard by: The Friend
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Drugs | England | Feelings | Masturbation | Students | Weirdness | Posted 2009-04-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Whatever Happened to a Good Old-Fashioned Accidental Pregnancy?
Rich girl: After 25 you might as well just die. If I'm not married by the time I'm 25, I'm having a boob job, a nose job and a face lift.
Leeds
England
Categories: Age and ageing | Body parts | Death & dying | Default | England | Girls | Posted 2009-04-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As a Fax Machine, on the Other Hand...
30-something to friend: After that, it was no use to him. Well...not as a leg, anyway.
Bus
England
Overheard by: Jeff Alderman
Categories: Body parts | Bus | Compare and contrast | Default | England | Friends | Girls | Weirdness | Posted 2009-03-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some Of Aesop's Morals Are More Helpful Than Others
Fat girl to thin girl pushing pram: Skinny men have skinny cocks.
England
Overheard by: Betsy
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | England | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Vagina | Posted 2009-03-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The PTA Thought It Would Be a Better Fundraiser Than a Bake Sale
Indian tourist outside strip club: So you pay money, and a lady dances for you.
Mum: Well, that sounds delightful.
Whitechapel
London
England
Overheard by: Chinese cockney
Getting Fucked Also Temporarily Disconnects One's Gaydar
Hippie teenage girl: He's such a screaming campy queer, I thought he was gay--but he's not! At least, he doesn't seem gay when he's fucking you. He does all the rest of the time, though.
Hither Green
London
England
Overheard by: Jess
Before Then, It Was Only Divided Into People Who Make Erroneous Blanket Statements and People Who Do Not
Film studies professor: Until the 1970s, no one realized that the world was divided into men and women.
Birmingham University
England
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Education | England | Gender issues | History | Memory lane | Teachers | Posted 2009-03-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then Can We Go to New York and See the Statue Of Blueberry?
Five-year-old to father: Yay! We're going to the bridge of pies!
Near "Bridge of Sighs"
Oxford
England
What Passes for Raucous Wit, in Britain
Lady on loudspeaker: The train on platform 3 is going to Edgeware Road. The train on platform 4 is for Embankment Station. District Line services are not running between Embankment and Whitechapel. Platform 3 is for Edgeware Road, platform 4 is for Embankment. If you are still on this platform after these trains leave, you are lost and confused and need to find a member of staff.
Earl's Court Station
London
England
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | England | Geography | Jobs & Careers | Public Transportation | Train | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-03-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Else Would Pee on My Christmas Tree?
Superior girl: You're just stumped by the Father-Christmas-isn't-a-cat argument.
Norwich
England
Overheard by: Inigo Montoya
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Default | England | Family ties | Girls | Holidays | Posted 2009-03-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tonight on The Wonder Years
Boy: I wonder if I can have sex with a hedgehog...
Essex
England
Overheard by: Anthony Mercer
Jamie Lee Curtis Can Be Cruel
Guy to friend: And then she said, "I am not even half the man she used to be."
Oxford
England
Overheard by: Well, she WAS born in Germany
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | England | Guys | Sexuality | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-02-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When I Can Find It on My Boyfriend's Computer for Free
Girl eating pasta: I can't pay 30 pounds for gay porn!
London
England
Serenades Sure Have Changed Since the Renaissance
Student girl: And then these tramps started wanking off outside my window!
Manchester Aquatics Centre
England
Overheard by: Noo
But at Least She Felt Comfortable Coming Out to Us
Elderly woman #1: And all her chinaware was Royal Worcester!
Elderly woman #2, looking shocked: No! Really? You wouldn't tell by looking at her, would you?
Elderly woman #1, shaking head: No, you would not.
Rural Staffordshire
England
Plus He Brings Me Noodles from Afar
50-something woman #1: I think he has that Marco Polo thing.
50-something woman #2: What?
50-something woman #1: You know, when someone is like, really depressed one minute then really happy the next.
50-something woman #2: Do you mean bipolar disorder?
50-something woman #1: Yeah that's the one.
Liverpool
England
In and Out, In and Out, All Night Long
Conductor: Mind the gap, doors closing. (train does not move) Those naughty, naughty doors.
London
England
Overheard by: ren
Categories: Advice | Conductors | Default | England | Offers and requests | Public Transportation | Train | Posted 2009-01-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Was Like, "Tommy, Can You Feel Me?"
Male thug #1: So, am I the dad?
Male thug #2: You and all? Who else have you fucked?
Male thug #1: I know she fucked Tommy as well.
Girl thuggete: He never fucked me, he only fingered me.
Hospital
Newcastle
England
Overheard by: Judge Mental
Categories: Body parts | Default | England | Family ties | Girls | Guys | Questions | Sex | Posted 2009-01-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Takes A Village
Driver to people leaving the bus at the university: Buh-bye, have a great day, kids. Enjoy your lessons...bye now. Do your homework. Work hard on your exams so you don't become a bus driver! Bye-bye, everyone!
56 Bus
Leeds
England
Categories: Advice | Bus | Bus drivers | Compare and contrast | Default | Education | Employees | England | Posted 2009-01-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Look, I'll Buy Froot Loops If I Want To, Okay?
Female student to friend in pub: Maybe you've fallen into the "big-nose trap" as well...
University of Portsmouth
England
Overheard by: Charlotte
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | England | Girls | Students | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-01-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Memories
Student girl on phone: They made me drink loads of alcohol out of a massive bucket. It was beer and vodka all mixed together. Yeah, and then all the lads stripped off and started dancing on the tables, and they started smearing the curry on their naked bodies. It was awful, but I ended up going home with one of them, he's a rugby player.
Cambridge
England
Overheard by: Gemma
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Dancing | Default | Drinking & drunks | England | Food | Girls | Students | Posted 2009-01-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Ancient Warriors Are Born Into Modern Military Families
Mother: And some armies have the sniper and he just picks them all off. Pkk pkk pkk.
Three-year-old with chicken pox (over still talking mother): I'm Spartacus!
Five-year-old without chicken pox: No, I'm Spartacus, you're Spartacus!
Mother, still talking: And then the detonator gets attached and once the fuse goes, it all goes boom!
Three-year-old: I'm Spartacus!
Five-year-old: You're Spartacus!
Flight between London and Liverpool
England
Overheard by: nadine
Unlike All Those Low-Budget Canadian Bridges
Canadian tourist girl #1: Wow! That's such a cool bridge!
Canadian tourist girl #2: Wow! It totally goes all the way across the river!
Millenium Bridge
London, England
Overheard by: Michael Oakes
Even in Metric Drinks
Bartender: I've never seen someone drink ten Jägerbombs in 15 minutes before...you must be from hell.
Slightly drunk girl: No! I'm from New York. 10? That was 10? Oh, crap, 10 is a lot more than 3.
London
England
Categories: Bartenders | Compare and contrast | Default | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | England | Geography | Girls | Posted 2008-11-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...in Exchange for Cooking Lessons
Conductor: This train will terminate at Stratford. The next station is Waterloo. Please change here for the Bakerloo, Northern and Waterloo & City lines. Alternatively you can also change for Waterloo International, catch the next Eurostar, go to Paris and show the French how to play rugby.
London
England
Overheard by: kat
Categories: Conductors | Default | England | Geography | Offers and requests | Pride | Public Transportation | Train | Posted 2008-11-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like My Affinity for Feet!
The Big Issue seller: Big Issue! Get your Big Issue! It's big! ...it's an issue!
Camden Street
London
England
Henry VIII Hated Getting Caught in Traffic Before a Flight
American tourist: Why did they put the castle so close to the airport?
Outside Windsor Castle
Windsor
England
Just Eat It With a Spoon Like Those Kids in the Bill Cosby Commercials
Guy on mobile: Hi! I just wanted to clear up that whole breastfeeding thing...well, my boss has a one-and-a-half-year-old, and he said there were three stages: a sort of watery stage, then it moves into a semi-skimmed stage, then just pudding. Well, I just found out today and I thought you'd want to know too.
N21 Bus
London
England
Categories: Age and ageing | Bus | Default | England | Guys | Jobs & Careers | Kids | On the phone | Posted 2008-11-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Frosted Tips!
Guy #1: Yeah, me and that guy have had a total communication breakdown...like, he was talking to me about tin foil! I dunno.
Guy #2, after a pause: Yeah, we should get some lottery tickets.
Exeter
England
Categories: Default | England | Guys | Relationships | Weirdness | Posted 2008-11-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What? It Could Happen!
Middle aged woman: I'm going to walk in there one day and say to Agnes: "I'm *married*."
Shropshire
England
Overheard by: martinb
Categories: Default | England | Relationships | Women | Posted 2008-10-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And It's His Last Term
Midwestern American: Well, we never did find out if he was a racist or not, but there's not a whole lot left of him to find out now.
London
England
Overheard by: doe
Categories: Death & dying | Default | England | Race | Tourists | Posted 2008-10-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Posing Clown Hypotheticals, Eh? Just Like an Irishman
Guy: What would you do if a clown jumped through the window and tried to abduct you by putting a sleeping bag over your head?
Girl: I'd whup his ass.
Guy: You'd whup his ass, would you? Just like an American.
England
Overheard by: E.
Well, We're Stopping, but We're Not Stopping-Stopping
Conductor (at tube stop before Finchley Road station): This train will not be stopping at Finchley Road. I repeat, this train will not be stopping at Finchley Road. (train pulls into Finchley Road, slows down and stops) This train will not be stopping at Finchley Road. (pause) I'm aware that we've actually stopped at Finchley Road, but we will not be stopping at Finchley Road.
Jubilee Underground Line
London
England
Overheard by: Tom
Categories: Conductors | Default | England | Public transportation | Train | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2008-10-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Think Your Wife's Getting Tired of Serving Me Tea
Girl on phone: Yes, I know you love me, but I'm not going to keep coming to the house you share with your wife to give you blowjobs whenever you want! (pause) You need to find somewhere else for us to do it.
London
England
Categories: BJs | Default | England | Feelings | Girls | Infidelity | On the phone | Weirdness | Posted 2008-10-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Is What I'll Be Saying About Winston Churchill in My Report
Random guy: He's like a cross between Michael Jackson and a Swiss Army knife.
University
England
Categories: About celebrities | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | England | Guys | Weirdness | Posted 2008-10-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Like I Was Cleaning My Hand When I Slapped You Just Now
Posh old lady: Well, everyone else said that daddy shot himself, but I still contend that he fell on his gun when he was cleaning it...
Tube, London
England
Overheard by: Wendy Stephens
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | England | Family ties | Feelings | Murder | Old folks | Train | Violence | Women | Posted 2008-10-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Whew! For a Second I Thought You Were a Bad Friend
Teen girl #1: You know, in some ways I really despise you.
Teen girl #2: What?!
Teen girl #1: It's okay, I didn't mean it; I just wanted to say something to hurt your feelings!
Shropshire
England
Or Write Angry Slam Poetry. Whichever Is Less Humane.
Wild-haired diner outside restaurant (seriously): If I don't get tenure next year, I don't know what I'll do. I'll have to ... I don't know ... I'll have to just blog about it.
Bloomsbury, London
England
Like Everything Else in England
Customer: Excuse me, why is your "chocolate mud pie" the only dessert on the menu not labeled "vegetarian"?
Waitress: That's because it has cream in it.
Customer: Your other desserts have cream in them and are labeled "vegetarian"!
Waitress: Yeah well, the cream in the chocolate mud pie is made from meat.
London
England