Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | People

Whatever I Can't Get from Miss Cleo, Anyway.

Professor: Temperature is an example of an invented reality. Temperature doesn't exist. It's all in our minds. It's either hot or cold out, but what are "degrees" really? Nothing!
Student: Actually, temperature is scientifically calculated by... (goes on to give long, technical explanation)
Professor: Really? I'm going to have to go look that up on Wikipedia. I get all of my information from Wikipedia.

University of Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Glad you're teaching us then...

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From What Your Dad Tells Me

Overenthusiastic principal: So, where'd ya guys go for lunch? Huh?
Jaded student (indicating Subway cup): I ate fresh.
Principal: Did you go the 6 inch route? Or the 12 inch?
Student: I, uhhh... 6.
Principal, grinning: Don't worry, Shane* -I think you're man enough to take a 12-inch.

Livingston, Montana

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So I'm Sorry I Did That, Amber

English teacher: Calling someone a douche is not a constructive comment, even if it's true.

Flora High School
Columbia, South Carolina

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And It's Important to Know About Paula Abdul's Career Trajectory

Student: If none of this is going to be on the exam, why are we devoting a class to it?
Professor: Because I find it interesting, and you have to listen to me.

Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia

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Except for Women's Professional Basketball

Professor: How does female humor differ from that of males?
Student: Women don't have the luxury to be funny.

Stanford, California

Overheard by: fliushkin

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MC Hammer Hasn't Gotten Laid in a Good Long Time

Professor: Clearly, if I am wearing these pants, no one is gonna want to get in them with me!

Economics Class
University of Delaware Newark, Delaware

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What the Hell Is Going on in Illinois?

Professor walking through the hall: Well I guess I'd have to be spanked then.
Asian grad student: That's why they're called "accidents"!

University of Illinois

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Which Is Why Men Wear Pink Shirts

Professor: Ever wonder why pink is considered a girl color?
Student: Because vaginas are pink.

UC
Santa Cruz, California

Overheard by: Kelly

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As You Should Know All Too Well, Cuntrella

Teacher: Does anyone know how to spell that?
(silence)
Student: Looks like it's time to whip out the dic!
Teacher: Some words should *not* be shortened.

High School Classroom
Rhode Island

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If You Don't, Try the Cafeteria's Amphetameatloaf

History teacher (hanging up posters with spray adhesive): If ya'll get high from this, you're welcome.

High School
Columbia, South Carolina

Overheard by: thank you!

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So If Anyone Requires a Strip-o-Gram...

Law professor: I don't get paid very well at this job. And I need beer money.

SFSU
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: RL

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Yes

Student: I bet half of the kids are still going to show up at the computer room.
Teacher: You think half of them will, or half of them won't?

East Meadow Drive
Palo Alto, California

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...A Metaphor I Would Know Nothing About

Professor: The Government was spending money like a drunken sailor in a Tijuana whorehouse.

Macroeconomics Class
University of California

Overheard by: Econometrically Bored

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But Don't You Think Toddlers Deserve to Work in Coal Mines?

Student: That's terrible!
Professor: I agree, I'm a horrible person.

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

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Anybody Have Any Bread?

(student coughs violently into hands, spewing fake blood)
Lit professor: Oh my god! Are you okay?
Student: (coughing up more blood) Can I go to the bathroom?
Lit professor: Oh my god, go, go!
(student leaves)
Lit professor: (realizing it's April 1st) Haha... His consumption smells like raspberries.

Colorado University, Boulder

Overheard by: In the back of the classroom

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The Way I'm Stealing Your Bra

Student: So if I, like, read something in the library and I memorize it, am I, like, stealing it with my mind?
Instructor: Yes. You can steal things with your mind.

Copy Editing Class
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia

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Whereas Elizabeth Taylor Will Turn Into Delicious Pudding

Professor: One day you'll wake up an old weathered hag, unless you're Cher--she'll just turn to dust one day when the sun hits her.

McDaniel College
Maryland

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Sorry, Just Taking My Neuroses for a Walk

Professor: And this means that... [Looks at two students in the second row wearing striped shirts.] I just noticed that you two are matching! Wow! Anyway, this means that... [Sees another student farther back.] You too! [Stands back, eyes class suspiciously.] That's almost too much of a coincidence.

Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia

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With the Possible Exception of the Dominant Chord

Professor: So, how was survey of western music?
Girl: It was terrible: someone would always find a way to bring up gender issues. I mean, I hate to break it to you, but eighteenth century tonal music doesn't give a shit about your vagina.

Sarah Lawrence College
Bronxville, New York

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Who Knew Organic Chemists Were So Funky?

Professor: I'm just waiting for a chlorine radical to come and bite me up the ass.

Morraine Valley Community College
Palos Hills, Illinois

Overheard by: Kati

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Which Also Explains the Peanut Butter Smears

College student: That one answer is wrong. You put a nine instead of a six.
Professor: I was probably stoned at the time.

Sussex, New Jersey

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But They Look Fantastic the Whole Time

Professor: The Swedes. They look at the glaciers, go inside, watch a Bergman film, have a heavy drink, then have some sex in the sauna, but ultimately that is unsatisfying, so they kill themselves.

Oberlin, Ohio

Overheard by: Secret Spy

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But If I Had to Make a Guess It Would Be "Pussy and Blow"

Professor: What did our founding fathers want? Who cares? They're dead.

Oberlin, Ohio

Overheard by: Secret Spy

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I Suppose I Could Have One of My Concubines Answer Them, Though

Student: Professor, will you be able to answer e-mails while you are away, since our final is in a week?
Uncomfortable Japanese professor with strange British/Japanese accent: No, I will not be able to answer students' e-mails because most of the time I come home I am drunk.
Students: [Incredulous silence. Laughter.]

Philosophy class
McGill University
Canadia

Overheard by: student who hated this prof until this comment...

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Unlike My Grading Scale

Professor: The guillotine was humane. It was just humane many thousands of times.

Oberlin, Ohio

Overheard by: Secret Spy

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Warthogs! Cabbages! Pokemon!

Professor: So, what are most songs written about?
Student #1: Apple bottom jeans?
Student #2: Boots with the fur?

School of Environmental Studies
Minnesota

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Wait 'Til You Hear "Total Ellipses the Sun"

English professor, going over punctuation: We can fix this sentence by putting a comma here... and here... and here. See? Comma, comma, comma. [Breaks into song.] Comma-comma-comma-comma-comma chameleeeooon!

Community College
Palm Bay, Florida

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Hint Hint, Those of You Who Want to Pass This Class

College professor: I wish there was a gas station on the corner that had a cigarette bar, and an espresso bar, and a drive-up liquor store. I would go there all the time, especially if I could just drive up and get my liquor.

Rochester Institute of Technology
Henrietta, New York

Overheard by: Concerned Student

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Despite What You Guys Promised Me

Professor: I'm on drugs... And they're not fun.

Ohio University
Athens, Ohio

Overheard by: thereallc

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I'm Thinking, I'm Thinking!

Prof: Do you think that kicking a pregnant woman in the stomach was wrong?
Student: Ummmm... I'm not certain.
Prof: Do you think that what he did was a crime?
[Student pauses for nearly 30 seconds.]
Student #2: Dude, he kicked a baby.

Seton Hall Law
Newark, New Jersey

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The Chicken Doesn't Count, Sir

60-year-old journalism professor: Oh, the choking game? Heh... I play that all the time.

Emerson College
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Sarah

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While Headbanging, My Mom Broke Her Own Neck

Spanish prof: What's the difference between a stone and a rock, English speakers?
Student #1: A stone is smooth and near water.
Student #2: A rock is big, like you can't pick it up.
Spanish prof: Well, that would make sense. I mean, we stone people to death, we don't rock them to death.
Cute girl student: It's happened before.

De Anza Community College
Cupertino, California

Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl has a little crush on her

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I Wanted You to Understand How It Felt to Read Your Term Papers

Professor: I think I popped a few Oxycontins before I wrote this so it might not make any sense.

Salem State College
Salem, Massachusetts

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As We Shall See in Today's Film, Big British MILFs

Biology professor: There are a lot of great tits in england.

Knox College
Galesburg, Illinois

Overheard by: Oh, bio...

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I Want the Human Race to Pack This Planet Like a Sausage

English professor: Just think of all the eggs that are wasted every time a woman doesn't get pregnant... That's what I do.

Montevallo, Alabama

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Or the Word "Dyke" Ever Again

Teacher: So, for the final sentence we should get some sort of metaphor for tax cuts helping the US recession.
Student #1: Hmm... Hey, you know like, the commercial where they put gum in the hole in the dam to stop the leak?.
Student #2: Or the finger!
Teacher: Oh, you mean in the dyke!
Student #1: Yeah, so... Tax cuts would be the finger in the hole of America's dyke?
Teacher: Maybe we shouldn't use a metaphor.

English Essentials Class
Waimea, Hawaii

Overheard by: boehmface

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Dude, Just Make an Audio-Visual Geek Your Friend

Music history professor, putting a CD in the player: And now we pray to the god of CDs. It's not good to be a teacher with CDs. They are very stupid things. [Pause.] ...It's not good to be a teacher, perhaps that's what it is.

Peabody Conservatory
Baltimore, Maryland

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For Instance, If the State Wants to Mix Stripes and Plaids

Bimbette government teacher, explaining checks and balances: So then, like, the national government says to the state government, "Um, you can't do that, you little... like, state."

Canton, Michigan

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