Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | People

I Was Like, "Sorry, I'm Trying to Cut Down"

Skinny guy: He's coming to the party tonight? Wasn't he hitting on your girlfriend last time?
Big burly bearded guy: No, she texted me last night. She talked to his roommate: turns out he wasn't inviting her to a threesome 'cause he likes her. He was inviting us to a foursome 'cause he likes me.

Ontario
Canadia

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To Be Fair, at Least She Won't Be a Cop.

Fat female student: I'm thirty-eight years old with a criminal justice degree, and I still can't find nothin' to do in this valley. Nobody's hirin', nothin'.
Skinny female student: Couldn't you just be a cop?
Fat female student: I can't be a cop. They give me a badge an' a gun, I'd be shootin' at fags and wetbacks. I mean, in this day in age... Not to be rude or anything...

Bookstore
West Virginia University

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They Could at Least Aquire Some Cheetah Girls.

Fat hipster girl: Do you know we didn't even get to see half the animals?
Skinny hipster guy: Dude, they don't have any sexy animals here.

Smithsonian National Zoo
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Lola Carmichael

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Straight Guys Totally Understand Why Girls Like Girls

Short skinny emo girl: I'm half gay.
Preppy dude walking by: There is so much to say there, so much to say.

Natick, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Un-gay friend.

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Competition for Upper Class Twit Of the Year Heats Up

Skinny ginger guy: Oh, don't over-egg the omelet!
Gorgeous girl: Uh... Omelets are mainly made of egg...?
Skinny ginger guy: Just because you wear glasses and go to university you think you're so smart. Well you're not. Because you're a girl! Nerrrrrrrrr!

Nottingham
England

Overheard by: Concerned_citizen

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...Mine Just Tells Me to Burn Things.

Mother to teenage daughter: Are you sure you don't want anything?
Skinny teenage daughter: Nah. (shrugs) My uterus isn't happy.
(mother raises a quizzical eyebrow)
Skinny teenage daughter: It's all like: "hello, I'm a uterus, and I'm going to bloat my way through for awhile, and push Ms Stomach organ out through Ms Bellybutton."
Mother: Oh.

Burger King
Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: i just work here...

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Now If Only I Could Marry Louis Vuitton

Really skinny sorority girl: I paid my rent and then I spent the rest, $700, on this new Louis Vuitton (squeals and hugs the purse). But now I have 30 bucks to last a whole month. Looks like I'll be dating for dinner or eating crackers.
Sorority friend: You spent twice as much on your bag as you did your rent! At least you paid your rent on time! Don't worry, you'll find dates. That purse is totally worth it!
Really skinny sorority girl: I know, right, I should just live in my purse. I think that is why married women get fat: they can finally afford to eat. You know my ass is getting fat when I get married.

IHOP
Dallas, Texas

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Can't Answer. Crashing.

Skinny boy at the back of the classroom: I had a Pop-Tart for breakfast!
Teacher, horrified: Why? Oh my god, why?!

Middle School
North Carolina

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Elena's the Most Creative Pimp in Canadia

Oldish Ukrainian woman: How you have babies with hips like this? How you do this? So skinny. Tsk, tsk.
Skinny chick: Huh?
Oldish Ukrainian woman: Here, eat my husband's sausage. He fill you up. Eat! Eat!

Edmonton
Alberta
Canadia

Overheard by: not so skinny

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...I Was Born to Be a Reality-Show Contestant

Skinny girl: My sister is on a diet now, I don't like it. First she's taller than me, but that's okay, I got over it. I just don't want her to be skinnier than me.
Guy friend: You should be happy for her.
Skinny girl: No way! I'm below that.

Vancouver
Canadia

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Ah, the Ever-Effective Nuremberg Defense!

Guido to skinny guy on métro: So you weren't really grabbing her boobs. That's just following instructions. (pause) You were just being a team player, man.

Vendôme Métro
Montréal
Canadia

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Plus I Took a Cab

Skinny chick with cigarette on bike to friend she just met up with: Hey! Guess how I got here so fast?
Friend: How?
Skinny chick, enthusiastically: I drink a tonic of strychnine and brandy! Every day!

Mt. Pleasant
Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: Lance Wriststrong

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Underground. On Mars.

30-something large man: That book by George Orwell, 1984, is a prophecy!
Skinny guy sitting next to him: Yeah, yeah, man.
30-something large man: Because in 1985, the government took over, and they were the ones selling all the crack and dope. I would know. I was working for them.

Transit Bus
Olympia, Washington

Overheard by: scooting farther away

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It's Like the Miracle Of Hanukah!

Ultra-skinny hipster chick: I've been eating the same quiche for weeks.

Portland, Maine

Overheard by: Koch

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It's Either One or the Other, These Days.

Blonde guy: And it burned the whole way down! I think my esophagus hemorrhaged.
Skinny guy: Hey, at least you didn't eat nine bowls of pudding.

Kansas State University

Overheard by: Michele

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And They're the Only Place You Have Any Fat

Obviously skinny girl: Do you think I should get lipo?
Friend: No! There's nothing wrong with your boobs.

Rochester, New York

Overheard by: wow!!

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The Physics Lab That Was Never to Be Repeated

Tall skinny guy: Did you know that three out of every four deaths on roller coasters are girls? It's because they're so small and aerodynamic.

Six Flags
Valencia, California

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And They're Great Shade on a Sunny Day

Skinny guy: I like the big girls because they're cleaner, and they buy you drinks.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: joe joe.

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Warren Beatty Should Stop Having Work Done

Tall, skinny kid: He's...like...suspiciously Asian.
Tall skinny friend: That's what I thought too!

Arby's
Tempe, Arizona

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If Renaissance Painters Ran the Beauty Industry

Skinny woman: So what do you do?
Fat woman: I'm a dietitian.
Skinny woman: You should give me some advice!

Menands, New York

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In the Continuous Porn That Runs in My Head, Anyway.

Big guy to much smaller friend: We're so tight we shower together in warm, soapy water.

Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia

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That's the Last Time I'll Have an Orgy with a Family of Klutzes

Large woman: Your dad kicked me in the head!
Scrawny boyfriend: What?
Large woman: And then you kicked me in the head!

Fredericton, New Brunswick
Canadia

Overheard by: Marg

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I'm Fairly Aquiver with Anticipation

BBW: You wouldn't want to see me in pretzel-formation.
Skinny man: How would you know?
BBW: I mean it. You really wouldn't want to see me in pretzel-formation. It's not very pretty to watch. It gets stuck easily that way.

Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Melissa

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Don't Trust Skinny People with Your Food

Skinny guy #1: I'm thinking our restaurant should have, like, taxidermied animals and tomato plants and stuff.
Skinny guy #2: Way cool!
Skinny guy #1: That way it could be like a museum of natural history full of the things people are eating, living or dead.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: rich

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So I'll Stay with Him Until I'm Skinny Enough to Do Better

Skinny sorostitute: Every time I see him he just makes me want to throw up.

Arizona State University
Arizona

Overheard by: Lindsay

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'Cause Then She Took One of My Legs and Snapped It

Skinny girl: My roommate's nuts. We got into another fight.
Tall girl: Oh, God, what is it now? She's mad again 'cause you don't rinse every drop of toothpaste out of the sink, right?
Skinny girl: No, it's the mayonnaise! The fucking mayonnaise! She accused me of eating it! Just the plain mayo, not on a sandwich or anything. I looked at her and told her, 'Listen, bitch, I don't eat mayo. I'm anorexic.' She's accusing me of having no self control!
Tall girl: So, what happened then?
Skinny girl: I was drunk, so I threw the mayo out our front door and said, 'Ha! Now no one can eat it!' I don't think that helped the situation at all.

George Herman's
Charlotte, North Carolina

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But We Should Probably Spread That Rumor Just in Case

Skinny white guy: Yep.
Goth girl: No way.
Skinny white guy: Yep.
Goth girl: No way. Too royal.
Skinny white guy: I'm serious.
Goth girl: No way. Princess Di was way too perfect to be giving someone head while they're driving.

Melbourne
Australia

Overheard by: Nick K.

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I'm Gonna Go Grab a Bucket of Chicken and Some Porn

Skinny brunette: How many calories do you burn masturbating? Gross, I know...
Skinny redhead: I read in Cosmo that it's somewhere between one-fifty and two hundred.
Skinny brunette, gasping: See?! People ought to promote masturbation more! This is why America is getting so fat! No one is touching themselves!

Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com

Overheard by: then why am I so fat?

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