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Also, He's a Cocker Spaniel.

Pilot, on PA system, after a slightly bumpy landing: Ladies and gentlemen, that landing was not me or the plane. That was our co-pilot--he's required to complete one landing a month. And he blew it. Welcome to Chicago.

Airport
Chicago, Illinois


Overheard by: Nonplussed Passenger


Categories: Compare and contrast | Illinois | Pilots | Plane | Stupidity | Posted 2010-02-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Never Underestimate Their Surgical Dexterity

Pilot #1: He flew to Myrtle Beach to meet some girl he met online. We were expecting to find him naked in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney.
Flight attendant: Who would want his kidney? He's so short!
Pilot #2: Hey, kids need kidneys too! Little kids!

Atlanta, Georgia


Categories: Flight attendants | Georgia | Health & Hygiene | Internet | Kids | Pilots | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2009-11-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Another Ticket and I Lose My License

Pilot standing at door to plane after pulling into gate: Shit! I totally didn't mean to park here!

Airport
Colorado Springs, Colorado


Categories: Airports & flights | Colorado | Pilots | Public Transportation | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

NewsFlash: Englishman Has Sense Of Humor. Film at 11.

Pilot, after riding tarmac for 20 minutes: Ladies and gentleman, this concludes our first two miles of our trip from London-Heahtrow International to Newark International. We do hope you enjoyed our lovely tarmac. The flight will commence once air traffic gives the all-clear for takeoff.

Heathrow International Airport
London
England


Overheard by: tired traveler


Categories: Airports & flights | England | Pilots | Public Transportation | Stupidity | Posted 2009-06-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Playing with Myself a Little

Pilot, during severely delayed flight: This is your pilot speaking, no word from air traffic control, but I just wanted to let you know...that I'm thinking of all of you.

Runway
Miami International Airport, Florida


Overheard by: Chelsea

We'd Hate to Hear Him in Bed

Pilot over intercom after rough landing: Whooaa, Nessie! (makes galloping sound) Easy, girl! (makes baaing sound) Whoops, wrong animal.

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: kayla


Categories: Airports & flights | Animals | Default | Pilots | Public Transportation | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2009-03-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And If You Could Pass to the Front Your Wallets and Jewelry, That Would Be Awesome-- Thanks!

Pilot to passengers: Everyone, please make sure your seatbelts are fastened. I'm gonna fly this plane like I stole it.

Flight from Nashville, Tennessee

And Be Sure to Return Your Babies to the Full Upright Position Before Landing

Airplane pilot: And just for sanitary reasons, please change your babies diapers in the bathroom, not on the pullout table in front of you, because people might stare.

Airport
Tampa, Florida


Overheard by: nicole

The Economy Hits The Airlines Hard

Captain, over intercom, after lights go out: You are getting veeeery sleeeeeepy... You do not want peaaanuts... You do not want soooodaaa... You just want to sleeeep until we laaaaand.

Southwest Airlines Flight over California

Overheard by: Andrew


Categories: Airports & flights | California | Default | Drinking & drunks | Food | Guys | Pilots | Weirdness | Posted 2009-01-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

We'll Be Departing Just As Soon As These Pills Wear Off

Pilot over loudspeaker (riffing on harmonica): This is your captain speaking, (harmonica riff) Welcome aboard, (harmonica riff) Please fasten your seat belts. (harmonica riff) Or we won't be able to leave beautiful Atlanta, Georgia.
(does long, jazzy harmonica riff. Passengers applaud)
Pilot (in Elvis voice)
: Thank you very much.


American Airlines Flight
Atlanta, Georgia

In Fact, He's Delicious

Captain on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, just wanted to let you know the reason this flight was delayed. The plane collided with a bird upon landing. It's no big deal; it just hit a body part. The bird is okay.

Airport
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania


Overheard by: Ladle (who is skeptical about the well-being of the bird)


Categories: Airports & flights | Birds | Default | Pennsylvania | Pilots | Public Transportation | Posted 2008-09-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Unfortunately My Trail Of Breadcrumbs Is Hard to See in the Snow

Pilot over PA, after taxiing to the gate for ten minutes: Let me know if you guys see something that looks like an airport.

Denver International Airport
Denver, Colorado


Overheard by: they're not kidding about being the country's biggest airport

Where You Will Be Directed to a Photo of Me Flipping the Bird

Pilot: And if you have any comments or questions, go ahead and look me up on Facebook.

Vancouver
Canadia


Categories: Canadia | Default | Internet | Offers and requests | Pilots | Posted 2008-07-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Smart Travelers Postpone That Recognition As Long As Possible

Pilot over loudspeaker: It's 40 degrees outside and sunny, and we will be landing shortly. Welcome to... Where are we? Oh. Philadelphia! Welcome to Philadelphia!

Flight over Pennsylvania

Overheard by: And he's flying this plane?

It's Not Technically a Violation of the Restraining Order If She Boards the Plane

Pilot: Before we start our ascent, an important question: Anyone here from the North Allegheny high school class of '68? [silence] I always ask. I'm hoping at some point I'll find my old girlfriend.

JetBlue flight
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania


Overheard by: Ladle

And Stop Masturbating in the Shower -- You're Clogging the Drain.

Pilot to passengers: Welcome to Hawaii! I'm going to tell you all what my mom told me when I turned 18: get your bags and get out.

Direct flight from Seattle, Washington to Oakland, California

It's Funny 'til Somebody Loses an Aircraft

Pilot to passengers: If you kids don't calm down right now and stop throwing those damn pillows, I will turn this plane around and I will take you back to Mexico!

1999 flight from Cancun to San Francisco, California

Overheard by: the end of senior trip


Categories: California | Default | Geography | Pilots | Threats | Posted 2008-03-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Now Everyone Fasten Their Duct Tape -- We're about to Take Off

Pilot: There is no smoking on this aircraft. The penalty for smoking is two thousand dollars. If you had that kind of money, you'd probably be flying United.

Southwest Airlines flight

Overheard by: broke


Categories: Airports & flights | Pilots | Threats | Posted 2008-01-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Forgive Us If We Find Your Relief Unnerving

Pilot over intercom, as plane touches down: ... And the crowd goes wild! Woo-hoo!

Las Vegas, Nevada

Overheard by: errica


Categories: Bragging | Nevada | Pilots | Posted 2007-12-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Mommy, Why Is the Plane Rearing Up Like That?

Pilot over loudspeaker, while landing plane: Whoa there, big fella!

Delta Airlines flight


Categories: Airports & flights | Pilots | Words | Posted 2007-11-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wait, Wait -- I'm Taking Notes!

Pilot: Sorry for the delay -- we are waiting for the cleaning team. Someone had a problem in the washrooms.
Flight attendant: I'd like to remind everyone that you should poop in the toilet -- not outside of the hole but in the hole. Thank you for your collaboration.

Flight near takeoff
Miami, Florida


Overheard by: Julien


Categories: Advice | Flight attendants | Florida | Pilots | Poop | Posted 2007-10-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Just Be Ready to Fly the Plane in a Pinch

Pilot: Sit back and relax! We'll be in Indy in about an hour and 55 minutes. [Mic clicks off, then back on.] Uh... We'll be in Boston. You know where you're going.

US Airways flight
Indianapolis to Boston


Overheard by: Anna Mousey


Categories: Pilots | Plane | Stupidity | Posted 2007-07-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Which They'll Provide in Both the Front and the Tail

Pilot: We'll be flying with our team of flight attendants today, and of course we'll be looking forward to the great service they provide... [Awkward laugh] The great service they provide to you, of course.

American Airlines flight

Overheard by: not that kind of service


Categories: Airports & flights | Jobs & Careers | Pilots | Posted 2007-06-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

To Confuse Any Terrorists Who May Be Flying with Us Today

Captain: Welcome to JetBlue! I am your captain, Greg, and sitting next to me is your co-captain... also Greg.

Flight to Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: Chelsea


Categories: Names | Pilots | Plane | Posted 2007-05-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook