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But I'm Practicing for My Wedding Night!

Father shouting out of house: Jacinta! Get off that cow! You'll ruin your communion dress!

Limerick
Ireland


Categories: Animals | Christianity | Dads | Default | Ireland | Kids | Names | Posted 2008-07-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

My Partner, Paul, Is As Dumbfounded As I Am

Disgruntled dad-to-be: I wish I could sue the urologist, but it is what it is. So now I'm having a son. Whatever.

Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: Glad he's not my Dad


Categories: Dads | Default | Guys | Oregon | Parenting | Pregnancy | Wishes | Posted 2008-07-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Fine-- Arby's It Is

Dad: What do you want for dinner?
Toddler #1: Shit!
Dad: Uh, you can't say that...
Toddler #2: Shit!
Toddler #1: Shit!
Toddler #2: Shit!
Toddler #1: Shit!
Dad: Uh...

Grocery Store
Maryland


Categories: Dads | Default | Food | Kids | Maryland | Parenting | Questions | Stores | Wishes | Posted 2008-07-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Especially with This Little Pink Bow

Three-year-old boy to grandfather: Do you have a penis?
Grandfather: Yes, I do.
Boy: I have a penis, too. My penis is small. My penis is cute.

Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: Vejewsbian


Categories: Compliments | Dads | Default | Gender issues | Guys | Kids | Kids | Ohio | Penis | Pride | Questions | Posted 2008-06-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Are You Still Upset About My Sandals With Black Socks?

Dad: That's an awfully big brownie. You know it's so big it's a Girl Scout.
Daughter: Silence.
Dad: Hey, this is funny stuff from your dad.
(daughter stares at him in silence)

Buffalo, New York

Overheard by: Tim


Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Family ties | Food | Girls | Kids | New York | Posted 2008-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Instead of Prison, Convicts Should Be Sentenced to Host Slumber Parties

Group of little girls to window poster: Hannah Montana! Hannah Montana! Hannah Montana!
Exasperated father: Don't kiss that!

Mall
San Diego, California

Baby's First Words Were "Betta Recognize"

Dad pushing stroller: [Singing.] Got a stroller so tight, you don't have to walk, got a stroller so tight, it'll fuck you up.

Denver, Colorado


Categories: Colorado | Dads | Kids | Singing | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2008-06-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Told You When God Closes a Door, He Opens a Window

Father: So, any luck with finding a jacket?
Teenage daughter: No, but somebody tried to sell me drugs.
Father: Well, that's something.

Victoria Market
Melbourne
Australia

Philip Pullman: Goddamn It!

[Family looking at a Golden Compass poster.]
Mom
: Oooh! The new Narnia movie!

Dad: Did you know the polar bear is Jesus?

Great Escape Theater
Illinois


Overheard by: The Surly Usher


Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Dads | Illinois | Jesus | Moms | Movies | Questions | Posted 2008-05-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And You're Spilling My Martini!

Kid: I want to go swimming!
Dad: They don't have any smoking rooms here, and I gotta smoke. We have to go somewhere else.
Kid: Can't you just go outside and smoke?
Dad: It's snowing outside! You'd like it if I had to go out in the cold and snow just so you could go swimming, wouldn't you?
Kid: But they have a pool here! I want to go in the pool!
Dad: That's all you do... All you do is think about yourself! I gotta smoke!

204 Hendersonville Road
Asheville, North Carolina


Overheard by: Taryn


Categories: Dads | Drugs | Gripes | Kids | Kids | North Carolina | Offers and requests | Smoking | Wishes | Posted 2008-05-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Specifically, a Fatty Boombalatty

Guy: I learned something... What did I learn? I learned that my son is a fatty.

Chick-fil-A
Marietta, Georgia


Categories: Dads | Diet & weight | Family ties | Georgia | Offspring | Questions | Restaurants | Words | Posted 2008-05-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Yeah, and I'm Not Sure He Has an Exit Strategy

Little girl: Where's Ben*?
Father: He's in heaven, honey.
Little girl: Still?!

Preschool
Fort Lauderdale, FL

See --Look at Her Go to Town on That Man's Shoe

Little girl: Daddy! Daddy! Emma just kissed the shopping cart!
Father: She'll kiss worse things in her life.

Hannaford
Yarmouth, Maine


Overheard by: Jade


Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | Family ties | Girls | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Kids | Kids | Maine | Siblings | Stores | Posted 2008-05-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Button Up Your Pants, Sweetie

Little girl: I love you, pole.
[She kisses the pole.]
Father
: Don't kiss the pole! Keep it rated G!


Outside a Dim Sum Shop
Alameda, California


Categories: Advice | California | Dads | Etiquette | Girls | Kids | Kids | Movies | Restaurants | Sexuality | Posted 2008-04-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Dad's the Best Gas-Release Coach in the Midwest

Little girl: I farted!
Dad, indifferent: Stop farting.
Little girl: I farted on the dog!
Dad, still indifferent: Continue farting.

Glendale Heights, Illinois

Overheard by: rbmmom

In Case You're Curious...

Little boy: Dad, what's a "brer" rabbit?
Father: A rabbit with a lot of brer in it.

Magic Kingdom
Disney World, Florida


Overheard by: Natalie


Categories: Animals | Dads | Florida | Guys | Kids | Lies | Questions | Tourist attractions | Words | Posted 2008-04-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Knew Those DJ Lessons Were a Poor Idea

White father: There's Burger King, Subway, Taco Bell.
Six-year-old son: [no response].
White father: There's sushi.
Six-year-old son: Aw shizzle!

Food Court, King of Prussia Mall
Pennsylvania


Overheard by: Carrie


Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | Food | Kids | Malls | Offers and requests | Pennsylvania | Whiteys | Posted 2008-04-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Someone's Been Reading People at the Dentist's Office

Mom: Did you hear that Harry Lee died?
20-something daughter: Yea, and Sylvester Stallone came to the funeral, I thought that was odd.
Previously uninterested dad: Interesting fact about Sylvester Stallone- he has a penial implant.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana


Categories: About celebrities | Dads | Death & dying | Family | Girls | Gossip | Louisiana | Moms | Penis | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If You're Really Bad, I'll Make You Go in the Ball Pit

Angry father, to young daughter: Do you wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese?
Daughter: [scared silence]
Father: Then stop touching shit!

Wal-Mart
Long Island, New York


Overheard by: Molly BOOM


Categories: Dads | Default | Etiquette | Family | Food | Girls | Kids | Kids | New York | Offers and requests | Shopping | Stores | Wishes | Posted 2008-04-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And You Stole Me from a Playground!

Little boy, standing next to a car: Daddy, this isn't our car! Daddy, what are you doing? This isn't our car!
Man: Look, buddy, you've got to stop saying that when we're in parking lots. [to a couple walking by] I just got a new car.
Little boy: No you didn't!

AMC Theatres
Owings Mills, Maryland


Overheard by: they steal cars, dont they?


Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Family ties | Fears | Kids | Kids | Lies | Maryland | Posted 2008-04-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

90% of the Time, Your Kids Won't Even Appreciate Your Brilliance

Small child, pointing to an "eat pussy" graffiti painted on the side of a restaurant: Daddy, what does that say?
Father: It's a menu.

Toronto
Canadia


Overheard by: Chikara


Categories: Canadia | Dads | Default | Euphemisms | Family | Family ties | Food | Kids | Kids | Questions | Restaurants | Words | Posted 2008-04-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Gonna Work a Little Child-Support-Reducing Magic

Little boy: Daddy, how are we going to get down?
Father: Parachutes.

Top of Space Needle
Seattle, Washington


Categories: Comebacks | Dads | Default | Kids | Questions | Washington | Posted 2008-03-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Racist? You Decide!

Daughter: It's like... I didn't see any Mexicans around for months, and then today, I've seen so many!
Father: Well, it got warm.

Cool Springs Mall
Franklin, Tennessee


Overheard by: Haha, what?


Categories: Dads | Default | Geography | Girls | Gripes | Tennessee | Weather | Posted 2008-03-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

One Day He Will Write Lyrics for Christina Aguilera

Dad in locker room, to son: Jake, take your pants off.
Five-year-old son, singing: Take your pants off, do the ducky-ducky.
Dad: Jake!
Five-year-old son: Take your pants off, do the something-something.

Newport Athletic Club
Middletown, Rhode Island


Categories: Clothing | Dads | Default | Gripes | Kids | Music | Rhode Island | Posted 2008-03-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Have the Last Name "Spears"

Four-year-old kid, pickig up magazine: Hey, Dad, it's Britney Spears!
Dad: No, that's Jamie Lynn, her sister.
Four-year-old kid: Ohhh, the pregnant one.
Dad: Yep.
Four-year-old kid: But she's not even an adult!
Dad: You don't have to be an adult to get pregnant.
Four-year-old kid: So then how do you get pregnant?! [Dad puts magazine back.]

Omaha, Nebraska

Overheard by: Cortny


Categories: About celebrities | Dads | Default | Family ties | Kids | Nebraska | Pregnancy | Questions | Posted 2008-02-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Just Start Fires

Three-year-old girl: Can I open this?
Dad: No. There are two hundred and fifty matches in there, and they're going to fall all over the place.
Three-year-old girl: But I promise I won't eat them.

Harvest Co-Op
Cambridge, Massachusetts


Categories: Dads | Default | Kids | Kids | Massachusetts | Questions | Stores | Posted 2008-02-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Based Upon My Limited Series of Experiments

Father: My kid broke his face today. He tried to do a back flip and kneed himself in the eye.
Friend: It's fine. Kids are like lizards -- they grow stuff back.

Liberty Mutual
Boston, Massachusetts


Categories: Dads | Default | Friends | Health & Hygiene | Idiots | Kids | Massachusetts | Posted 2008-02-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Instead of Making License Plates, Like Usual

Dad to two-year-old daughter, before dropping her off at daycare: What are you going to do with the other kids today? ... You should teach them all to be cage-fighters!

Ada, Ohio

Overheard by: Marci


Categories: Advice | Dads | Ohio | Posted 2008-02-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Your Birthday's Not for Another Two Weeks

Dad: Why are you wearing your sunglasses inside?
Nine-year-old boy: I don't know... 'Cause I feel like it.
Dad: Well, take them off. You're not a gangster, pimp, or high... yet.

Chinook Theatre
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia


Overheard by: Hannah


Categories: Canadia | Dads | Kids | Kids | Questions | Posted 2008-02-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Tim Burton Was Always a Creepy Dad

Father holding infant son in glass elevator: Are you scared, sweetie? It must be nice not to have a sense of your own mortality.

Burlington Mall
Burlington, Massachusetts


Categories: Dads | Fears | Massachusetts | Posted 2008-01-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Only the Strong Survive a New Zealand Childhood

Toddler in stroller, after dad accidentally pushes him into a shelf: Uh-oh!
Dad: Yeah, uh-oh! Daddy's drunk, so he shouldn't be drinking and driving. [Toddler giggles.]

Mt. Eden
Auckland
New Zealand


Overheard by: Jon


Categories: Dads | Drinking & drunks | Kids | New Zealand | Posted 2008-01-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Don't Make Me Start Jabbing You with Pins Again

Man with camera: No, smile. There's no frowning allowed on MySpace anymore. It's a rule. If you want your picture there, you have to smile.
Six-year-old son: Okay.
Man, to other young son: And you -- be serious. No, not like that. Beyond serious. Like you lost your dog -- that serious. No, even more -- like you lost your truck!

Ice rink
Asheville, North Carolina


Categories: Advice | Creepsters | Dads | North Carolina | Posted 2008-01-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Meant More of a Moral Worm

Father: ... But worms don't have arms and legs. You have arms and legs, don't you?
Young son: Uh-huh...

Charlestown Square
Newcastle
Australia


Categories: Australia | Body parts | Dads | Posted 2008-01-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Can't Imagine How That Made 'em the Dominant Culture

Little Hispanic boy: I want more food.
Dad, calmly: Okay. We just have to get another plate.
Little Hispanic boy: But I want more food!
Dad: Okay! We just need to go get you another plate.
Little Hispanic boy: But I want more food!
Dad, yelling: I said 'okay'! I just have to get you a new plate!
Little Hispanic boy, shocked: You yelled at me...
Dad: Well, I tried speaking to you like a white man, but you wouldn't listen.

Chinese buffet
Reading, Pennsylvania


Overheard by: Hole


Categories: Dads | Gripes | Pennsylvania | Race | Should have used a condom | Posted 2008-01-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You and Your Goddamn Exercise

Father to eight-year-old son in front of paddle boat vendor: No! We have jet skis. Are you kidding me?!

Inner Harbor
Baltimore, Maryland


Overheard by: Y G B S M


Categories: Dads | Gripes | Maryland | Posted 2008-01-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

But We Are on a Budget, So You'll Have to Share Needles

Dad to table full of preteens: If everyone's good, they can get one tattoo and one piercing.

Pei Wei, 7th Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona


Overheard by: Ken


Categories: Arizona | Dads | Gifts | Posted 2008-01-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You'll Love the Electric Highchair, Buddy

Happy dad to little kid: Capital punishment is fun!

Morgantown, West Virginia


Categories: Dads | Happiness | Lies | West Virginia | Posted 2007-12-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And We'll Really Try Not to Roll Over and Squish You This Time

Father to baby: Mommy and I are gonna have lots of fun tonight. Yes we are! And we're gonna make sure we don't have another baby like we did last time. [Baby starts to laugh and coo.]

Wegmans
Manalapan, New Jersey


Overheard by: Why do I work here?


Categories: Dads | Gossip | New Jersey | Posted 2007-12-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Over by the Vulvic Republic

Heavy guy looking at atlas: What's a 'labia'?
Son: One of those Eastern European countries.

Barnes & Noble
Peoria, Illinois


Categories: Dads | Illinois | Questions | Should have used a condom | Stupidity | Posted 2007-12-10 EmailQuoteLink