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Stop Referring to Mom's Cooking That Way
Host: Would you like a booth or table?
Young mom: A booth is fine.
Four-year-old: I don't want a booth!
Young dad: Hey, knock that off or you'll be eatin' out of the trash.
Orange County, California
Overheard by: Poofy
What?
Father to son, on golf course: Yeah, while you were away I though about hiring someone to rape me.
Son: What?
Father: It's supposed to really improve your golf swing!
Eagle, Colorado
...I Don't Care If Your Hand Is Stuck in a Mayonnaise Jar!
Jamaican father to crying son: Stop make a big-ass scene like some white boy!
Montreal
Canadia
The Wine Will Reveal Her True Self.
Father to young daughter in department store: I'm just going to get her a bottle of wine since I don't know what a coverup is.
Falls Church, Virginia
Categories: Clothes | Dads | Drinking & drunks | Gifts | Virginia | Posted 2011-07-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You're No Pussy, Dad
Teenage girl to father: I didn't come out of her vagina, okay? I don't have to respect her.
Father: Well, I guess you don't respect me either, cause you didn't come out of my vagina!
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: made my day
That's Why I Married Her, Sweetie
Dad, leading three-year-old girl to bathroom: You need to go potty? You can sit on the potty in here.
Three-year-old girl: No, that potty's not for me. That's for mommy. She has a big butt.
Alameda, California
Overheard by: lith
But They Have Frosting!
Kid: Dad, can we get Pop-Tarts?
Ponytail dad: No.
Kid: Why?
Ponytail dad: Because they're... disgustingly poisonous!
Carrollton, Georgia
Overheard by: Kez
The Unkindest Cold Cut Of All
Young son, after burping loudly: I burped!
Father: Does it smell like baloney?
Young son: No...?
Father: Then you're not a man yet!
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Big D.
Categories: Burping & farting | Compare and contrast | Dads | Kids | Kids | Maryland | Parenting | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2010-09-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Remember: All That Glitters Is Not Gold, Son.
Boy to father about girlfriend standing right next to him: She decorated her panties and tried to show them to me.
Father, laughing loudly at glaring people: Sorry.
Arlington National Cemetary
Arlington, Virginia
Categories: Clothing | Dads | Kids | Masturbation | Virginia | Posted 2010-09-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Or at Least Draw Naughty Pictures to Accompany the Poems?
Boy Scout dad, after walking through exhibit: So was he some sort of poet?
Woman: Uh, yeah... He was kind of a big deal.
Boy Scout dad: Did he write limericks?
Allen Ginsberg Exhibit
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Afrocurl
Categories: Books | Dads | Questions | Washington, DC | Women | Posted 2010-08-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As the Palestinians Keep Telling the Israelis
Dad to eight-year-old son: Well, stop giving people wedgies and they'll stop throwing rocks at you.
Edmonton
Canadia
Overheard by: Christina M.
The Man Probably Needs His Bran, Honey
Daughter: Why did you pick up that man's cereal, dad?
Dad: Because he dropped it, sweetie.
Daughter: Oh, is it because he's old?
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Kara
Good Job, Guys
Dad: Okay kids, here's a penny for each of you! Throw it in the fountain and make a wish! Mark*, what did you wish for?
Mark*: A cupcake!
Dad: Okay! Joe*, what did you wish for?
Joe*: A garbage can!
Zoo
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Nature: 3 Nurture: 0
Five-year-old boy, watching news about Priscilla Queen of the Desert on tv: Those ladies look very strange.
Dad: They're actually men dressed as ladies, Edward.
Five-year-old boy: I'm going to dress like that when I'm a man!
London
England
Overheard by: Murray
Henry VIII's Kids Had Some Serious Psychological Issues
Little girl, holding mannequin's hand: Daddy! Daddy! Look!
Dad: Is that your new mommy?
Little girl, singing: No! She doesn't have a head!
Coralville, Iowa
And the Liquid Soap Was to Die for
Redneck man with mullet coming out of bathroom: Well, son, that was some mighty fine hand dryer, wudn't it?
Son,excitedly: Yeah, pops, sure was!
Shepherdsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Chelsea
What With Original Sin and So Forth
Son: I just feel so filthy after I go on the T. Can I please have some hand sanitizer, father?
Father: (silently hands it to son)
Son: Am I being paranoid?
Father: You're not being paranoid, Jonathan, you're being practical.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Laura
Categories: Dads | Family | Fears | Feelings | Health & Hygiene | Massachusetts | Offers and requests | Parenting | Posted 2010-05-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's a Tale As Old As Time...
Father to teen daughter: We've got the rubber suits, but we're out of talcum powder!
Concord, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Emma W.
Categories: Cleanliness | Clothes | Dads | Massachusetts | Teens | Posted 2010-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Little Kids These Days Are Snottier Than Ever
Man to two-year-old daughter: I drew a face with eyes, nose and mouth. Can you tell me what's missing?
Two-year-old daughter: The boogers in the nose!
Faulconbridge
Australia
It's Like Using Sarcasm on a Child, Right?
Father to son spending too long to wipe off boo boo with blankie: Do you know the definition of insanity?
Four-year-old son: Yes.
Mount Vernon, New York
The Wolf Was No Match for Grandma
Dad: Later, we need to find grandma a boyfriend.
Seven-year-old son: Grandma already has a boyfriend, though.
Dad: Really? Who?
Seven-year-old son: She's married to granddad!
Dad: No, no, your other grandma.
Seven-year-old son: Oh yeah, she really needs a boyfriend.
Train
Manchester
England
Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | England | Family ties | Kids | Relationships | Train | Posted 2010-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's for Church
Four-year-old boy to group of mothers: Guess what!
Group: What?
Four-year-old boy, excited: I just peed standing up!
Boy's father: That's not something we tell people!
Children's Room, Katonah Library
Katonah, New York
Overheard by: amused librarian
Why the Fairy Always Dies When His Mom Reads Him Peter Pan
Ten-year-old boy: Dad, why are people clapping?
Father: Because the conductor entered the stage. It's respectful.
Ten-year-old boy: I personally don't believe in clapping for someone unless they've done something.
Tanglewood Music Center
Lenox, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Bystander girl
We Were Only Growing You for the Organs, Anyway
Dad: Buddy, you have to breathe. You can't hold your breath forever.
Son: No! I'm never going to breathe again. I hate it!
Dad: Sounds good.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: kaybay
Categories: Dads | Family | Gripes | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Overheard in Minneapolis | Parenting | Should have used a condom | Stupidity | Posted 2010-01-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gin?
Middle-aged father to waitress, about loud toddler daughter: It's an emergency. We need some happy juice.
Restaurant
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: silver
Categories: Baristas | Colorado | Dads | Food | Kids | Offers and requests | Parenting | Restaurants | Should have used a condom | Posted 2010-01-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Guess It's Montessori School for You Then
Dad, changing son's diaper: Why don't you want to wear a diaper? You want to run around naked and piss and poop all over the floor?
Son: Yeah!
Dad: What are you, an anarchist?
New Jersey
You Are Now Qualified to Work at McDonald's
Five-year-old daughter: Daddy, ask me some math questions.
Father: Okay, what is 4 x 4?
Five-year-old daughter: It's not 9!
Father: That's correct.
McDonald's
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Michael Moore
It's a Slippery Slope
Concerned father, giving advice to someone else's kid: I would strongly advise against eating gum found in the bathroom.
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Amanda Postel
But This Time You'd Better Not Force Your Brother to Eat It
Eight-year-old boy: Hey dad, can I get deodorant?
Father: Uh, sure.
Eight-year-old boy: Yesssss!
A&P Supermarket
Totowa, New Jersey
Categories: Dads | Happiness | Kids | Kids | New Jersey | Offers and requests | Parenting | Stores | Posted 2009-12-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then They Both Let Out Super-Sighs.
Fat tourist mom: Nah... I don't wanna eat there.
Fat tourist dad, wistfully: Well, it's not McDonald's.
Outside Marcy's Diner
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: townie knows best
Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | Fat people | Food | Maine | Moms | Restaurants | Tourists | Wishes | Posted 2009-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...But Then It Also Counts As Your Birthday Present.
Hostess: Your son and I were just talking about what he wants for Christmas.
10-year-old boy: Turkey bacon!
Gruff-looking father: You want turkey bacon for Christmas?
10-year-old boy, to hostess: He never buys any!
Gruff-looking father: Hey, if you want turkey bacon for Christmas, I'll get you turkey bacon.
Restaurant
Middletown, Connecticut
Categories: Baristas | Connecticut | Dads | Food | Gifts | Gripes | Kids | Restaurants | Wishes | Posted 2009-12-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Were Conceived Right Here in Aisle Four
Father to three-year-old daughter, after she took her shirt off: Just like your mother.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: is that how you met her?
Categories: Clothes | Compare and contrast | Dads | Family ties | Kids | Kids | Overheard in Minneapolis | Parenting | Posted 2009-11-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Did They All Eat at Red Lobster Before They Died?
Father to 20-something daughter: One of these days we are going to have to take you on a trip and show you where everyone in the family is buried.
Daughter, dryly: That would be a lively trip.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: It would be a trip to die for
Categories: Dads | Death & dying | Family ties | Girls | Utah | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-11-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
According to Mom's New Boyfriend
Six-year-old girl at the zoo: (drops French fries one by one)
Dad: Why are you dropping French fries?
Six-year-old girl: To feed them!
Dad: No one wants your old French fries.
Six-year-old girl: You're an old French fry!
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Dave
When Momma Grows Red Fur, Then We'll Talk.
Dad: Does Gracie love momma?
Toddler: Pshnoooooo.
Dad: Does Gracie love Elmo?
Toddler: Yeah!
Target
Nashville, Tennessee
You're a Burkoff, Dad
Little Girl: Look Dad, a buhraff.
Dad: That's "giraffe"--juh, juh, juh.
Little Girl, looking confused: Buhraff! Juh, juh, juh.
Zoo
St. Louis, Missouri
Thank God Babies Come Housebroken.
20-something pregnant girl to baby daddy: I don't think we can handle a pet.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: babies are way easier.
...Mister "I Cut Myself with Safety Scissors"
Son to father, exiting hospital: Dad, what's a disability?
Father: It's like when someone loses their finger in an accident, (pause) which will probably happen to you.
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Jon
Categories: Dads | Eavesdrop DC | Hands | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Kids | Parenting | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-10-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Is What Fun Is, Son.
Little boy: Ewww... what's that smell?
Slightly tipsy dad: Prolly barf.
Little boy: Yuck! You're gross!
Slightly tipsy dad: What? It's a twins game. People come to get drunk, then they barf, and you smell it. That's how it goes.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: that's not why I go to twins games.
Categories: Dads | Drinking & drunks | Kids | Kids | Overheard in Minneapolis | Parenting | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-10-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Our Family, We Get Our Pornography from the Internet
Boy, holding bodice-ripper romance novel: Dad, is this a book for fifth-graders?
Distracted father: No. Put it back.
Boy: What is it?
Distracted father: Hardcore pornography. Put it back.
Fairwood, Washington
Overheard by: he was so hopeful
Why Child Psychologists Exist
Father, explaining electrical cables to teenage son: Yeah, she's got a transvestite in her wall. But you can convert the tranny back to a female, using the thing in the wall.
Wellington, New Zealand
Overheard by: Jordyn
Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | Gender issues | New Zealand | Parenting | Science | Sexuality | Teens | Posted 2009-09-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Guns Vs. Butter Model Of Parenting
Dad: Do you want to get McDonald's?
Boy, screaming: No!
Dad: Do you want to get Burger King?
Boy: No!
Dad: Do you want to get ice cream?
Boy: No!
Dad: Do you want to get machine guns?
Boy: Yes.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Lacy
Portrait Of the Scat Fetishist As a Young Man
Little boy, gleefully wiping chocolate on his father's white pants: I'm wiping your butt! Haha! I'm wiping your butt!
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Categories: Ass | Candy | Cleanliness | Dads | Kids | Michigan | Parenting | Should have used a condom | Posted 2009-09-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's for Him to Decide
New dad: Look! These clothes are cute. Oh, look at this dress!
New mum: You have a boy, not a girl!
Department Store
Melbourne
Australia
Also, I'm Having Company Tonight, So You'll Have to Find Another Place to Sleep
Young boy to father: Dad, I really wanted that chocolate cereal, did you buy some for me?
Father: No.
Young boy: Why not?
Father: Listen, I'd also prefer it if you stayed at your mom's all the time. But do we always get what we want? No.
Subway
Vienna
Austria
Is There a Toy for Me Anywhere in That?
Small boy: Dad! Dad! Can I have that?
Father: I've told you before, craving leads to attachment.
Toy Shop
Eastern Suburbs, Sydney
Australia
Guess Which One's the Good Cop?
Six-year-old girl: Dad, I want to see snow!
Six-year-old girl's twin: Me toooo!
Dad: But girls, it doesn't snow down here--you have to go up north for that.
Six-year-old girl: Then let's go up north!
Six-year-old girl's twin: To the North Pole!
Dad: Yeah! But you know what, mom won't let us.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
What You Never Knew About Clark Kent's Upbringing
Daddy: If you don't eat...
Three-year-old boy: You'll hit my butt? I like it when you hit my butt, it feels good on my super wee-wee!
Chick-fil-A
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Carrie
Categories: Ass | Dads | Food | Kids | Parenting | Restaurants | Sensory experiences | Should have used a condom | South Carolina | Threats | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Let's Hope to God It's Perez Hilton
(little girl is spinning and singing in grocery store line)
Dad, very calmly: Honey... Next time the gypsies come to town, they're leaving with an extra person.
Severna Park, Maryland
Later, Steve Would Steal Them, And Have Them Surgically Implanted
Young boy, pointing enthusiastically at a goat: Dad! Dad! Look! That goat has some big ol' balls!
Father, indulgently: Mmm-hmm. I like that one.
San Antonio, Texas
Perhaps the Most Important Thing We Learn from Our Fathers
Young dad, trying to put struggling kid in high chair: Come on, don't be a dick.
Restaurant
Brisbane
Australia
...Badly
Teenage boy, pointing at his dad: Kill him!
Mom: I can't do that! He just got his hair cut!
Dagenham
Essex
England
Overheard by: Anthony Mercer
Try It and You're Outtie.
Dad to kid: Come back here, or I'll have to beat you!
Kid, indignant: You can't beat me! I'm a belly button!
Wal-Mart
Pasco, Washington
Categories: Body parts | Dads | Kids | Parenting | Stores | Threats | Violence | Washington | Posted 2009-06-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What Kind Of a Boy Gives Hugs, Anyway?
Man to son, coming out of restroom: After what you tried to do to Tigger I'm not sure if you deserve that.
Disney World
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Tracy
Categories: About celebrities | Dads | Default | Florida | Guys | Kids | Offers and requests | Pop culture | Tourist attractions | Posted 2009-06-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Just Thought It Would Be a Lot Bigger, Is All.
Little girl in stall with dad: You're silly! This is silly!
Dad, peeing: Nothing is silly in here.
Girl: That's silly. This is silly. Stop.
Men's Bathroom
Hendersonville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Tanner
And I'll Film It for YouTube.
Dad to little girl sitting on railing, watching sea lions: You fall down, that's it. If you fall down, I'm not helping you. (pause) And the sea lion's gonna eat you.
Pier 39
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Paulo
This One Used to Be Magic, Until the Bookie Broke It
Dad balancing bird toy on middle finger, to seven-year-old son: This is dad's magic finger. He uses it when driving.
Shout-out: community.livejournal.com
Categories: Body parts | Dads | Default | Family ties | Guys | Magic | Overheard in Melbourne's Journal | Posted 2009-06-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Jerry Springer Expands to Foreign Markets.
Mother to teen son: Your hair needs a cut.
Teen son: Your face needs a cut.
Dad: Your face needs a punch!
Ebdentown
New Zealand
Overheard by: Schmitty
Categories: Body parts | Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Family | Guys | Hair | Moms | New Zealand | Offers and requests | Teens | Violence | Posted 2009-06-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Like to Think Of It As Adding a Little More Magic to the Kingdom
Male golfer to 20-something son and his girlfriend: See, that's the problem golfing with a female. If there are no women here, the world is your toilet!
The Magnolia Golf Course, DisneyWorld
Orlando, Florida
Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Florida | Games | Guys | Sexuality | Tourist attractions | Posted 2009-06-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nothing Says Spring Like the Scent Of Ice Cream and Urine
Small boy with ice cream cone, trying to get mom's attention: I peed my pants! I peed my pants! Mommy, listen to me, I peed my pants!
Mom, deadpan: I bet that's real uncomfortable for you.
Dad to son: When we get home we are just gonna have to hose you down.
Son to dad: Oh yeah, make me lay on the yard and then spray the hose on me, and on my penis, and down my pants on my penis!
Boy's brother, from minivan: Ew! You can spell the pee!
Bucks County, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: free birth control
You Shouldn't Marry Anybody Who's the Boss Of You, Honey
Little girl to dad: Daddy?
Dad: Yes?
Little girl: Why can't brothers and sisters get married?
Toronto
Canadia
...and Rent All the Cool Cars
Little girl: (talking over airport announcement)
Father: Quiet for a second!
Girl: (continues talking until announcement is over)
Father: Great. What if he was saying "Run! Zombies!"? We'll be sitting here like idiots while the zombies come...
O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Airports & flights | Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Family | Guys | Illinois | Offers and requests | Questions | Zombies | Posted 2009-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Then We'll Hold This Nice Man Up.
Father with two small sons dressed in Halloween costumes, walking into liquor store: Okay, guys, now pick out the kind of whiskey you want and go put it up on the counter.
Oshkosh, Wisconsin
Categories: Dads | Default | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Kids | Offers and requests | Stores | Wisconsin | Posted 2009-05-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
There Are Entire Websites Devoted to That Sort Of Thing, Sweetie.
Three-year-old daughter, pointing at huge woman: Dada, she has a big booty.
Father: Sweetie, you don't want to talk about other people's booties.
Three-year-old daughter: But dada, she couldn't sit on our toilet. It is too small for her.
Father: Okay. (hurriedly moves out of the aisle)
Three-year-old daughter: Her booty is too big for pee and poop to come out. She makes a big mess and gets it all over! (father starts pushing faster)
Supermarket
Quincy, Massachusetts
Now Hold Still While I Affix This Muzzle
Little boy being pushed in cart: You smell!
Dad: No, you smell!
Little boy: No, you smell!
Dad: You smell!
(a little later)
Little boy: That was awful!
Dad: Only because you think it is.
Little boy: You're a sock!
Dad: Oh, I'm a sock now?
Little boy: A soooock!
Dad: No, you're a sock!
Whole Foods
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Kafrin
So Give Me Back Those Quarters.
Dad to son: I don't need to pay someone 50 cents to tell me that I'm overweight.
Pheasant Lane Mall, New Hampshire
Categories: Dads | Default | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Malls | Money | New Hampshire | Offers and requests | Posted 2009-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You've Been Spending Too Much Time with Raspy Aunt Selma
Three-year-old: Pick me up some cigarettes! I need a smoke!
Dad: What did you just say!?
Kansas
Who Isn't Picturing Rod and Todd Flanders Right Now?
Small child #1: Hey, daddy, can we go get some ice cream?!
Small child #2: Yeah, daddy, let's have ice cream!
Father: Uh, no. But you can have yogurt drinks. They're basically the same!
Small children: Yay!
West Edmonton Mall
Canadia
Overheard by: Dr. Ruth
Categories: Canadia | Dads | Default | Family ties | Food | Guys | Kids | Kids | Malls | Offers and requests | Posted 2009-04-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who's Daddy's Little Hell Spawn?
Man to small daughter: Do you know why they cut the elephants' tusks off? It's so they won't poke or hurt anybody. (pause) Just like we cut your fangs off when you were young.
St. Louis Zoo
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Katie
Moving on to the Case Of Muffet V. Spider...
Father to son in stroller: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall; Humpty Dumpty had a great fall; Humpty Dumpty hired a great lawyer; Humpty Dumpty sued the pants of the wall maker.
K Street
Washington, DC
Categories: Clothes | Dads | Default | Games | Guys | Jobs & Careers | Kids | Names | Washington, DC | Posted 2009-04-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Small But Important Distinction.
Daughter, about cousin: Does he want to give me a ride?
Dad: No, he wants you to ride him.
North Canton, Ohio
And Fighting Scares Off Daddy's Dealer
Tough-looking guy with eight-year-old: Don't go over there! Dirty, gross stuff over there, dirty people go there.
Kid, climbing through railing bars: Druggies!
Dad: Don't say that around here! Daddy doesn't want to have to fight anyone.
Chinatown
Downtown Winnipeg
Canadia
Overheard by: al
Ben Franklin Was a Tough Kid to Raise
Little boy at ice cream parlor: Uh...can I have um, little gummy bears?
Impatient dad: Oh, that's great. You invented something the store doesn't have.
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: Griffin
Back in My Day, It Wasn't a Race Without at Least a Little Mooing
Man to daughter entering race: So, do you have to quack while you run, or...how does that work?
4th of July Parade
Brighton, Michigan
Overheard by: Tonya
The Kid Used to Yell "Boink Me, Daddy!"
Four-year-old boy: Daddy! I wanna get hammered!
(mom pulls out a toy rubber hammer, sighing)
Dad, to everyone around: Shhhhh, nobody heard that! If you did, little forgetfulness fairies will fly into your mind!
Airport
Phoenix, Arizona
Categories: Airports & flights | Arizona | Dads | Default | Family ties | Guys | Kids | Lies | Offers and requests | Posted 2009-03-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dakota Fanning, Parker Posey and Carlos Mencia Failed to Light Up the Small Screen
Young daughter to white mother: You fell in love with a Mexican?
White mom: Yes, I did.
Mexican dad: Unfortunately.
El Fenix
Texas
Like All Parents, We Were Hoping for a Little Lesbian
Seven-year-old-daughter: I'm sorry, daddy, but I love crafts!
Father: I know...can't you find another hobby?
Seven-year-old-daughter: No, daddy, it's going to be just like at camp!
Father: Yeah, your mother and I should have switched you at the hospital.
Michael's
Hamilton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Diana
Categories: Dads | Default | Family ties | Feelings | Girls | Guys | Kids | Kids | New Jersey | Questions | Posted 2009-03-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But If I Did, I'd Advise You to Go with the Heart-Shaped Nipple Clamps
Dad to son, passing Valentine's Day t-shirt display: These are kind of nice for your mom, no?
Son: It's for mom, what do I care?
City Center Mall
White Plains, New York
Overheard by: Nathan
I Rule This Men's Room!
Impatient father to 5-year-old girl in toilet stall: Mary, hurry up, what are you doing in there?
Mary: I was just thinking about how great I am.
Men's Room, Airport
Fort Myers, Florida
Categories: Airports & flights | Compliments | Dads | Default | Florida | Girls | Guys | Kids | Kids | Questions | Posted 2009-03-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And Light Green.
Dad: There are some things you can't discuss with girls. Like I would never tell your mom about the really weird-colored shit I had last night.
Preteen son: What color was it?
Dad: See, that's not the kind of question a girl would ask.
Northgate Mall
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Didn't want to hear it either
I Thought You Were Going to Say "Public Healthcare"
Seven-year-old girl: Daddy, do you know what stinks ?
Dad: No, what?
Seven-year-old girl: Dog farts.
Dad: Let's not talk about that here.
TJ Maxx
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: A.Taylor
We Heart Zippy Unironically
Teen prep: Shell is a lot more expensive than GetGo these days. (later) I'm missing a lifetime movie right now!
Father: She's like Zippy the Pinhead!
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Shoppy
Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Guys | Money | Names | Pennsylvania | Pop culture | Students | Posted 2009-02-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Fine, Call It "Guano" If That Makes You Feel Better
Man to son: Stop talking about vampire bats and focus on your poop.
San Diego, California
Categories: Advice | Animals | California | Dads | Default | Family ties | Poop | Posted 2009-01-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Perils of Kiddie Prozac
Dad to little girl: I'm going to feed you to a puppy.
Little girl: Dad! I don't want to eat a puppy.
Dad: I'm not going to feed you a puppy, I'm going to feed you to a puppy.
Little girl: Oh, that's okay, I like puppies.
Brunswick
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Claire
It's A Little Funny?
Father on phone to wife: No, it was at dinner, and then this drunk at the next table made a comment about our son. No. He said Josh looked like "a retarded page from the dark ages." That's not funny. (long pause) I'll schedule him for a haircut tomorrow.
Pennsylvania
Categories: Age and ageing | Dads | Default | Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Food | Guys | History | Pennsylvania | Posted 2009-01-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Every Mission Impossible Sequel Is Weaker Than the Last
Small child: Hey, dad, can we take the quarters out of the fountain?
Father: Not now. That's what we do after dark, when we put our ski masks on.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: rappeling from the ceiling for spare change.
Categories: Dads | Default | Family ties | Guys | Kids | Kids | Money | Overheard in Minneapolis | Questions | Posted 2009-01-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Eerily, He Did
Tourist baby: Bah bah bah bah bah!
Tourist dad, changing his diaper: I hear ya.
Tourist baby: Bah bah bah bah bah bah!
Tourist dad: Uh huh.
Tourist baby: Bah bah bah bah!
Tourist dad: I told you not to mess with those guys.
(tourist baby laughs)
Tourist dad: Yeah, you know what I'm talking about!
Restroom, Walt Disney World
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: The Normie in the Handistall
Categories: Dads | Default | Family ties | Florida | Happiness | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Tourist attractions | Posted 2009-01-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Do You Remember Half the People You've Slept With, Ashley? I Rest My Case
Father: I read a report where they have linked promiscuity to Alzheimer's.
20-something daughter: Don't be jealous, dad.
Sydney
Australia
Naming Her "Charmin" Was the Right Call
Girl: Your child is adorable.
Proud father: Yes, she's so fluffy and absorbent!
Yarmouth, Maine
Overheard by: Jade
Only If Mom Stops Using the Cucumber For...You Know.
Father to four-year-old: Stop spanking the eggplant!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Kay
If Only Our TV Had an Off Switch!
Excited preteen girl to dad: Look, dad, it's Hannah Montana!
Dad: Honey, we get out of the house so that we don't have to sit around and watch this all day long.
Macy's
Bridgewater, New Jersey
Overheard by: AS
And You Said I Could Have Whatever I Wanted for My Bar Mitzvah
Teenage boy to father: I've been talking to a Thai lady on the internet and, I'll bring her to New Zealand for only $50,000!
Father: Is she genuine?
Teenage boy: Genuine Thai lady-boy!
Auckland
New Zealand
Overheard by: Tessa
Categories: Dads | Default | Gender issues | Geography | Guys | Internet | Money | New Zealand | Offers and requests | Questions | Sexuality | Teens | Weirdness | Posted 2008-11-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As You'd Know If You Ever Watched TV With Me
Two-year-old: Waaaaah!
White trash mom: You want mommy to push your stroller?
Two-year-old: Waaaaah!
White trash dad: You wanna go ten feet under?!
White trash mom: Honey, it's six feet.
Sears
Nashua, New Hampshire
Overheard by: jefe
Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | Death & dying | Default | Kids | Kids | Moms | Murder | New Hampshire | Offers and requests | Parenting | Stores | Weirdness | Posted 2008-11-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Stop Pulling the Pork!
(five-year-old boy is slapping and punching packages of beef and pork)
Father: Josh! Stop slapping the meat.
Bystander: (laughs out loud)
Father (hissing): No! Not that!
Safeway
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
Categories: Bartenders | Colorado | Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Kids | Offers and requests | Words | Posted 2008-11-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dad's a Committed Mythical Traditionalist
Little girl: So when do we get to see the unicorns?
Dad: There don't have any. Unicorns aren't real.
Little girl: Even African unicorns?
Dad: No, they don't exist either. And even if there were real unicorns, they'd probably be from Europe.
Zoo
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: mel
You Can Be My Dirty Fling
Five-year-old boy: Daddy?
Father: Yes?
Five-year-old boy: When I grow up, I want to marry you.
Father: Uhm, you can't do that. What about your friend, Alex?
Five-year-old boy: Hmmm. Okay. I think I'll marry Alex instead.
Reynoldsburg, Ohio
Overheard by: Timothy
See-- Blood! Haha! I Win!
Kid stopping to look at object on the ground: Look, glass!
Father: That's a lolly.
Kid: No, it's glass!
Father: It isn't glass, it's a lolly.
(kid picks up object and puts it in his mouth)
Kid: No, it's glass.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Never found out what it was.
Freud's Children Were His Primary Inspiration
Dad walking towards hotel lounge: Where are your hands?
Young daughter: Somewhere they shouldn't be!
Dad: That's right! Somewhere they shouldn't be!
Austria
And Made Them Into a Necklace for You
Dad to daughters: I've stolen more bellybuttons than you can count.
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Jude
Categories: Body parts | Crimes | Dads | Default | New York | Posted 2008-11-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Have That on Good Authority from Your Mother
Toddler, pointing to gigantic bin ball: Daddy!
Father: Oh, believe me kid, we don't need any more balls in our house.
Shoprite in Clark, New Jersey
Overheard by: allison
Categories: Balls | Dads | Default | Kids | New Jersey | Offers and requests | Posted 2008-11-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Bear: Just Give Me an Excuse, You Ice-Cap-Melting-Rock-Throwing Motherfucker!
(at the polar bear exhibit)
Father to son holding a rock: Don't throw that rock! If you throw that, it's going to hit the bear, and then he's going to come over here and eat you. Do you want him to come over here and eat you?!
Zoo
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: Sarah.
Categories: Animals | Dads | Default | New York | Offers and requests | Questions | Threats | Tourist attractions | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2008-10-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When He Was Little, She'd Carry Him in One of Her Haversacks
Sister: Grandma got him a box of latexes!
Dad: Oh, well, I didn't know you and grandma were so...ahem...close.
Brother: Oh! God! No! Stop! My ears!
Reston, Virginia
Overheard by: Carly
Categories: Compare and contrast | Condoms | Dads | Default | Family ties | Siblings | Virginia | Words | Posted 2008-10-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Her Idol Is Martha Stewart
Dad, seeing his little girl spit in a soda bottle: This is disgusting, nobody will want to drink from it now.
Little girl: I know, that's why I did it.
Dad: That's not nice. Smart, but not nice.
Pumpkin Farm
Half Moon Bay, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Girls | Kids | Kids | Parenting | Posted 2008-10-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How to Come Out to Your Parents in One Easy Step
Dad: Oh, the menu says they have fish tacos. Have you ever had a fish taco? I've never had a fish taco.
Mom: No, I haven't. I don't think I'm going to get a fish taco.
Young daughter (under her breath): Fish tacos make me think bad things.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: they make me think bad things too
Being Raised by the Buddha Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be
Five-year-old: Daddy, I want ice cream.
Father: How does it feel to want something?
Vermont
Warm Syrup Seemed Like a Great Idea--at First
Young mother to four-year-old boy: C'mon, sweetie, let's wash your hands.
Sarcastic father: Yeah, dude, you're disgusting.
Boy (increasingly louder): Yes. I am disgusting. You know what else is disgusting? My penis!
IHOP
Hammond, Louisiana
Overheard by: The Only Small Press in Bumfuck
That's New Yorkese for "Pretty Please"
Eight- year-old girl to parents: Can I pleeeese have a Cinnabon?
Dad: No, you don't need that. Finish your dinner.
Eight- year-old girl: If I don't get a Cinnabon, I'm basically going to kill myself.
Rest Stop
New York Thruway
Overheard by: Karen
Take That Little Hat Off It, Timmy
Two-year-old: Daddy, do I have a penis?
Father: Yes, you do.
Two-year-old: Ha ha! Silly penis.
Chicago, Illinois
Scooby and the Gang Stage an Intervention for Velma
Father: Sweetie, your affection for the dog is causing you to hallucinate.
Empress Pavillion
Chinatown, California
Overheard by: Yapplebee
Categories: Animals | California | Dads | Default | Mental illnesses | Restaurants | Posted 2008-09-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Amy Didn't Expect It to Be Beautiful
Five-year-old girl (pointing at penis on sculpture in museum): Daddy, what's that?
Daddy: What do you think it is?
Girl's little sister: It's a butt!
Five-year-old girl (pause, whispers in amazement): It's a penis.
Harvard
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: loves smart kids
Categories: Ass | Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Kids | Massachusetts | Penis | Questions | Siblings | Posted 2008-09-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can You Wait Til I Drop You Off at Mommy's?
Father: Look, there's a potty over there!
Five-year-old daughter: No, I don't wanna go in the porta-potty!
Father: Okay, where are you gonna go then?
Five-year-old daughter: In my pants!
Father: Alright!
SUNY
Purchase, New York
"Adultland" Was the Most Lucrative Disney Attraction in Half a Century
Dad to son in stroller: Here's where we saw the sexy tree!
Disney World Animal Kingdom
Orlando, Florida
Categories: Dads | Default | Florida | Memory lane | Tourist attractions | Words | Posted 2008-08-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hello? It's a Unicorn!
Dad to daughter: Just don't pretend you're riding a bucking bronco when you're in bed.
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Dads | Default | Offers and requests | Parenting | Washington | Words | Posted 2008-08-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I'm Practicing for My Wedding Night!
Father shouting out of house: Jacinta! Get off that cow! You'll ruin your communion dress!
Limerick
Ireland
My Partner, Paul, Is As Dumbfounded As I Am
Disgruntled dad-to-be: I wish I could sue the urologist, but it is what it is. So now I'm having a son. Whatever.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Glad he's not my Dad
Fine-- Arby's It Is
Dad: What do you want for dinner?
Toddler #1: Shit!
Dad: Uh, you can't say that...
Toddler #2: Shit!
Toddler #1: Shit!
Toddler #2: Shit!
Toddler #1: Shit!
Dad: Uh...
Grocery Store
Maryland
Especially with This Little Pink Bow
Three-year-old boy to grandfather: Do you have a penis?
Grandfather: Yes, I do.
Boy: I have a penis, too. My penis is small. My penis is cute.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Vejewsbian
Are You Still Upset About My Sandals With Black Socks?
Dad: That's an awfully big brownie. You know it's so big it's a Girl Scout.
Daughter: Silence.
Dad: Hey, this is funny stuff from your dad.
(daughter stares at him in silence)
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: Tim
Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Family ties | Food | Girls | Kids | New York | Posted 2008-06-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Instead of Prison, Convicts Should Be Sentenced to Host Slumber Parties
Group of little girls to window poster: Hannah Montana! Hannah Montana! Hannah Montana!
Exasperated father: Don't kiss that!
Mall
San Diego, California
Categories: California | Dads | Default | Family | Girls | Kids | Malls | Offers and requests | Should have used a condom | Siblings | TV shows | Posted 2008-06-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Baby's First Words Were "Betta Recognize"
Dad pushing stroller: [Singing.] Got a stroller so tight, you don't have to walk, got a stroller so tight, it'll fuck you up.
Denver, Colorado
I Told You When God Closes a Door, He Opens a Window
Father: So, any luck with finding a jacket?
Teenage daughter: No, but somebody tried to sell me drugs.
Father: Well, that's something.
Victoria Market
Melbourne
Australia
Philip Pullman: Goddamn It!
[Family looking at a Golden Compass poster.]
Mom: Oooh! The new Narnia movie!
Dad: Did you know the polar bear is Jesus?
Great Escape Theater
Illinois
Overheard by: The Surly Usher
And You're Spilling My Martini!
Kid: I want to go swimming!
Dad: They don't have any smoking rooms here, and I gotta smoke. We have to go somewhere else.
Kid: Can't you just go outside and smoke?
Dad: It's snowing outside! You'd like it if I had to go out in the cold and snow just so you could go swimming, wouldn't you?
Kid: But they have a pool here! I want to go in the pool!
Dad: That's all you do... All you do is think about yourself! I gotta smoke!
204 Hendersonville Road
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Taryn
Categories: Dads | Drugs | Gripes | Kids | Kids | North Carolina | Offers and requests | Smoking | Wishes | Posted 2008-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Specifically, a Fatty Boombalatty
Guy: I learned something... What did I learn? I learned that my son is a fatty.
Chick-fil-A
Marietta, Georgia
Categories: Dads | Diet & weight | Family ties | Georgia | Offspring | Questions | Restaurants | Words | Posted 2008-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yeah, and I'm Not Sure He Has an Exit Strategy
Little girl: Where's Ben*?
Father: He's in heaven, honey.
Little girl: Still?!
Preschool
Fort Lauderdale, FL
Categories: Dads | Death & dying | Euphemisms | Feelings | Florida | Girls | Kids | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Posted 2008-05-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
See --Look at Her Go to Town on That Man's Shoe
Little girl: Daddy! Daddy! Emma just kissed the shopping cart!
Father: She'll kiss worse things in her life.
Hannaford
Yarmouth, Maine
Overheard by: Jade
Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | Family ties | Girls | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Kids | Kids | Maine | Siblings | Stores | Posted 2008-05-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Button Up Your Pants, Sweetie
Little girl: I love you, pole.
[She kisses the pole.]
Father: Don't kiss the pole! Keep it rated G!
Outside a Dim Sum Shop
Alameda, California
Categories: Advice | California | Dads | Etiquette | Girls | Kids | Kids | Movies | Restaurants | Sexuality | Posted 2008-04-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dad's the Best Gas-Release Coach in the Midwest
Little girl: I farted!
Dad, indifferent: Stop farting.
Little girl: I farted on the dog!
Dad, still indifferent: Continue farting.
Glendale Heights, Illinois
Overheard by: rbmmom
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Dads | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Illinois | Kids | Offers and requests | Pride | Sensory experiences | Posted 2008-04-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Case You're Curious...
Little boy: Dad, what's a "brer" rabbit?
Father: A rabbit with a lot of brer in it.
Magic Kingdom
Disney World, Florida
Overheard by: Natalie
I Knew Those DJ Lessons Were a Poor Idea
White father: There's Burger King, Subway, Taco Bell.
Six-year-old son: [no response].
White father: There's sushi.
Six-year-old son: Aw shizzle!
Food Court, King of Prussia Mall
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Carrie
Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | Food | Kids | Malls | Offers and requests | Pennsylvania | Whiteys | Posted 2008-04-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Someone's Been Reading People at the Dentist's Office
Mom: Did you hear that Harry Lee died?
20-something daughter: Yea, and Sylvester Stallone came to the funeral, I thought that was odd.
Previously uninterested dad: Interesting fact about Sylvester Stallone- he has a penial implant.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Categories: About celebrities | Dads | Death & dying | Family | Girls | Gossip | Louisiana | Moms | Penis | Weirdness | Posted 2008-04-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You're Really Bad, I'll Make You Go in the Ball Pit
Angry father, to young daughter: Do you wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese?
Daughter: [scared silence]
Father: Then stop touching shit!
Wal-Mart
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Molly BOOM
And You Stole Me from a Playground!
Little boy, standing next to a car: Daddy, this isn't our car! Daddy, what are you doing? This isn't our car!
Man: Look, buddy, you've got to stop saying that when we're in parking lots. [to a couple walking by] I just got a new car.
Little boy: No you didn't!
AMC Theatres
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: they steal cars, dont they?
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Family ties | Fears | Kids | Kids | Lies | Maryland | Posted 2008-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
90% of the Time, Your Kids Won't Even Appreciate Your Brilliance
Small child, pointing to an "eat pussy" graffiti painted on the side of a restaurant: Daddy, what does that say?
Father: It's a menu.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Chikara
Categories: Canadia | Dads | Default | Euphemisms | Family | Family ties | Food | Kids | Kids | Questions | Restaurants | Words | Posted 2008-04-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gonna Work a Little Child-Support-Reducing Magic
Little boy: Daddy, how are we going to get down?
Father: Parachutes.
Top of Space Needle
Seattle, Washington
Racist? You Decide!
Daughter: It's like... I didn't see any Mexicans around for months, and then today, I've seen so many!
Father: Well, it got warm.
Cool Springs Mall
Franklin, Tennessee
Overheard by: Haha, what?
One Day He Will Write Lyrics for Christina Aguilera
Dad in locker room, to son: Jake, take your pants off.
Five-year-old son, singing: Take your pants off, do the ducky-ducky.
Dad: Jake!
Five-year-old son: Take your pants off, do the something-something.
Newport Athletic Club
Middletown, Rhode Island
Have the Last Name "Spears"
Four-year-old kid, pickig up magazine: Hey, Dad, it's Britney Spears!
Dad: No, that's Jamie Lynn, her sister.
Four-year-old kid: Ohhh, the pregnant one.
Dad: Yep.
Four-year-old kid: But she's not even an adult!
Dad: You don't have to be an adult to get pregnant.
Four-year-old kid: So then how do you get pregnant?! [Dad puts magazine back.]
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Cortny
Categories: About celebrities | Dads | Default | Family ties | Kids | Nebraska | Pregnancy | Questions | Posted 2008-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Start Fires
Three-year-old girl: Can I open this?
Dad: No. There are two hundred and fifty matches in there, and they're going to fall all over the place.
Three-year-old girl: But I promise I won't eat them.
Harvest Co-Op
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Based Upon My Limited Series of Experiments
Father: My kid broke his face today. He tried to do a back flip and kneed himself in the eye.
Friend: It's fine. Kids are like lizards -- they grow stuff back.
Liberty Mutual
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Dads | Default | Friends | Health & Hygiene | Idiots | Kids | Massachusetts | Posted 2008-02-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Instead of Making License Plates, Like Usual
Dad to two-year-old daughter, before dropping her off at daycare: What are you going to do with the other kids today? ... You should teach them all to be cage-fighters!
Ada, Ohio
Overheard by: Marci
Your Birthday's Not for Another Two Weeks
Dad: Why are you wearing your sunglasses inside?
Nine-year-old boy: I don't know... 'Cause I feel like it.
Dad: Well, take them off. You're not a gangster, pimp, or high... yet.
Chinook Theatre
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Hannah
Tim Burton Was Always a Creepy Dad
Father holding infant son in glass elevator: Are you scared, sweetie? It must be nice not to have a sense of your own mortality.
Burlington Mall
Burlington, Massachusetts
Categories: Dads | Fears | Massachusetts | Posted 2008-01-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Only the Strong Survive a New Zealand Childhood
Toddler in stroller, after dad accidentally pushes him into a shelf: Uh-oh!
Dad: Yeah, uh-oh! Daddy's drunk, so he shouldn't be drinking and driving. [Toddler giggles.]
Mt. Eden
Auckland
New Zealand
Overheard by: Jon
Categories: Dads | Drinking & drunks | Kids | New Zealand | Posted 2008-01-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Don't Make Me Start Jabbing You with Pins Again
Man with camera: No, smile. There's no frowning allowed on MySpace anymore. It's a rule. If you want your picture there, you have to smile.
Six-year-old son: Okay.
Man, to other young son: And you -- be serious. No, not like that. Beyond serious. Like you lost your dog -- that serious. No, even more -- like you lost your truck!
Ice rink
Asheville, North Carolina
Categories: Advice | Creepsters | Dads | North Carolina | Posted 2008-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Meant More of a Moral Worm
Father: ... But worms don't have arms and legs. You have arms and legs, don't you?
Young son: Uh-huh...
Charlestown Square
Newcastle
Australia
Categories: Australia | Body parts | Dads | Posted 2008-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can't Imagine How That Made 'em the Dominant Culture
Little Hispanic boy: I want more food.
Dad, calmly: Okay. We just have to get another plate.
Little Hispanic boy: But I want more food!
Dad: Okay! We just need to go get you another plate.
Little Hispanic boy: But I want more food!
Dad, yelling: I said 'okay'! I just have to get you a new plate!
Little Hispanic boy, shocked: You yelled at me...
Dad: Well, I tried speaking to you like a white man, but you wouldn't listen.
Chinese buffet
Reading, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Hole
Categories: Dads | Gripes | Pennsylvania | Race | Should have used a condom | Posted 2008-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You and Your Goddamn Exercise
Father to eight-year-old son in front of paddle boat vendor: No! We have jet skis. Are you kidding me?!
Inner Harbor
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Y G B S M
But We Are on a Budget, So You'll Have to Share Needles
Dad to table full of preteens: If everyone's good, they can get one tattoo and one piercing.
Pei Wei, 7th Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Ken
You'll Love the Electric Highchair, Buddy
Happy dad to little kid: Capital punishment is fun!
Morgantown, West Virginia
Categories: Dads | Happiness | Lies | West Virginia | Posted 2007-12-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And We'll Really Try Not to Roll Over and Squish You This Time
Father to baby: Mommy and I are gonna have lots of fun tonight. Yes we are! And we're gonna make sure we don't have another baby like we did last time. [Baby starts to laugh and coo.]
Wegmans
Manalapan, New Jersey
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
Categories: Dads | Gossip | New Jersey | Posted 2007-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Over by the Vulvic Republic
Heavy guy looking at atlas: What's a 'labia'?
Son: One of those Eastern European countries.
Barnes & Noble
Peoria, Illinois
Categories: Dads | Illinois | Questions | Should have used a condom | Stupidity | Posted 2007-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Matches My Dress
Six-year-old boy: Look, Dad! I got a sticker.
Dad: That's a butterfly sticker, which is a girl sticker. You can't have that.
Six-year-old boy: Okay, Dad. What do you want me to do with it?
Dad: Give it to me.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Katelyn the sticker collector
You're Lucky We're Letting You Breathe Heavily
Little boy: I don't wanna walk any more.
Father: No talking when we're on vacation!
Michigan Avenue and East Hubbard
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Thad
Portrait of a Man Whose Wife No Longer Wants Him
Little girl, after fireworks: Was that magic, Daddy?
Father: There's no such thing as magic.
Magic Kingdom, Disney World
Florida
Overheard by: Emily.
And They're Useless Against Alligators
Two-year-old boy, admiring his hands instead of the alligators: Look, Dad -- look at my nails!
Grimacing father: Yes, yes... Your mother is to blame for that.
Atlanta Zoo
Georgia
Categories: Dads | Georgia | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Posted 2007-11-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Doesn't Work on Mom, and It Sure Doesn't Work on Me!
Five-year-old boy: I don't like that... It doesn't taste good.
Father, picking up frozen dinner: Oh, I'll make it taste good!
Topsham, Maine
Overheard by: Morgan
I've Successfully Eliminated It
Son: I just don't understand it.
Father: That's because you have no imagination.
Foothills Mall
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Tempus
If You Know What I Mean
Child, as his dad videotapes a monkey: I can't see the monkey!
Dad: You'll see him when we get home.
Vilas Park Zoo
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: mike
Like a Scat Burglar?
Boy: Dad, why do toilets flush?
Dad, irritated: I don't know.
Boy: I think it is so no one can steal the poop.
Bathroom
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Pooper Snooper
So Stop Feeding Them That Freeze-Dried Ice Cream
Man: I just wanted to go to the cafeteria lady and say, 'My children are not astronauts!'
Ted's Restaurant
Virginia
Overheard by: Nic
But You Shouldn't Talk That Way about Mom
Dad: When I came in it smelled really great, but it actually tasted really disgusting.
Daughter: Same with poop.
Arizona
Nothing Your Mother Needs to Know About
Dad to five-year-old son: Do you want to get a practice doughnut?
Downyflake Donuts
Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: we were also practicing before real breakfast
Categories: Dads | Massachusetts | Questions | Posted 2007-10-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Learned My Lesson with Mary Kate and Ashley
Man pushing newborn in stroller: I'm not capitalizing financially off the cuteness of my daughter.
Denver International Airport security line
Denver, Colorado
You Can Be Arrested for Saying That Sort of Thing at a Michigan Wal-Mart
Five-year-old boy: I feel gay!
Dad: What?
Five-year-old boy: I feel gay!
Dad: No, you don't.
Wal-Mart
Grand Blanc, Michigan