Recent | Best Of
Host: Would you like a booth or table?
Young mom: A booth is fine.
Four-year-old: I don't want a booth!
Young dad: Hey, knock that off or you'll be eatin' out of the trash.
Orange County, California
Overheard by: Poofy
Father to son, on golf course: Yeah, while you were away I though about hiring someone to rape me.
Son: What?
Father: It's supposed to really improve your golf swing!
Eagle, Colorado
Jamaican father to crying son: Stop make a big-ass scene like some white boy!
Montreal
Canadia
Father to young daughter in department store: I'm just going to get her a bottle of wine since I don't know what a coverup is.
Falls Church, Virginia
Teenage girl to father: I didn't come out of her vagina, okay? I don't have to respect her.
Father: Well, I guess you don't respect me either, cause you didn't come out of my vagina!
Chesapeake, Virginia
Overheard by: made my day
Dad, leading three-year-old girl to bathroom: You need to go potty? You can sit on the potty in here.
Three-year-old girl: No, that potty's not for me. That's for mommy. She has a big butt.
Alameda, California
Overheard by: lith
Kid: Dad, can we get Pop-Tarts?
Ponytail dad: No.
Kid: Why?
Ponytail dad: Because they're... disgustingly poisonous!
Carrollton, Georgia
Overheard by: Kez
Young son, after burping loudly: I burped!
Father: Does it smell like baloney?
Young son: No...?
Father: Then you're not a man yet!
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: Big D.
Boy to father about girlfriend standing right next to him: She decorated her panties and tried to show them to me.
Father, laughing loudly at glaring people: Sorry.
Arlington National Cemetary
Arlington, Virginia
Boy Scout dad, after walking through exhibit: So was he some sort of poet?
Woman: Uh, yeah... He was kind of a big deal.
Boy Scout dad: Did he write limericks?
Allen Ginsberg Exhibit
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Afrocurl
Dad to eight-year-old son: Well, stop giving people wedgies and they'll stop throwing rocks at you.
Edmonton
Canadia
Overheard by: Christina M.
Daughter: Why did you pick up that man's cereal, dad?
Dad: Because he dropped it, sweetie.
Daughter: Oh, is it because he's old?
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Kara
Dad: Okay kids, here's a penny for each of you! Throw it in the fountain and make a wish! Mark*, what did you wish for?
Mark*: A cupcake!
Dad: Okay! Joe*, what did you wish for?
Joe*: A garbage can!
Zoo
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Five-year-old boy, watching news about Priscilla Queen of the Desert on tv: Those ladies look very strange.
Dad: They're actually men dressed as ladies, Edward.
Five-year-old boy: I'm going to dress like that when I'm a man!
London
England
Overheard by: Murray
Little girl, holding mannequin's hand: Daddy! Daddy! Look!
Dad: Is that your new mommy?
Little girl, singing: No! She doesn't have a head!
Coralville, Iowa
Redneck man with mullet coming out of bathroom: Well, son, that was some mighty fine hand dryer, wudn't it?
Son,excitedly: Yeah, pops, sure was!
Shepherdsville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Chelsea
Son: I just feel so filthy after I go on the T. Can I please have some hand sanitizer, father?
Father: (silently hands it to son)
Son: Am I being paranoid?
Father: You're not being paranoid, Jonathan, you're being practical.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Laura
Father to teen daughter: We've got the rubber suits, but we're out of talcum powder!
Concord, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Emma W.
Man to two-year-old daughter: I drew a face with eyes, nose and mouth. Can you tell me what's missing?
Two-year-old daughter: The boogers in the nose!
Faulconbridge
Australia
Father to son spending too long to wipe off boo boo with blankie: Do you know the definition of insanity?
Four-year-old son: Yes.
Mount Vernon, New York
Dad: Later, we need to find grandma a boyfriend.
Seven-year-old son: Grandma already has a boyfriend, though.
Dad: Really? Who?
Seven-year-old son: She's married to granddad!
Dad: No, no, your other grandma.
Seven-year-old son: Oh yeah, she really needs a boyfriend.
Train
Manchester
England
Four-year-old boy to group of mothers: Guess what!
Group: What?
Four-year-old boy, excited: I just peed standing up!
Boy's father: That's not something we tell people!
Children's Room, Katonah Library
Katonah, New York
Overheard by: amused librarian
Ten-year-old boy: Dad, why are people clapping?
Father: Because the conductor entered the stage. It's respectful.
Ten-year-old boy: I personally don't believe in clapping for someone unless they've done something.
Tanglewood Music Center
Lenox, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Bystander girl
Dad: Buddy, you have to breathe. You can't hold your breath forever.
Son: No! I'm never going to breathe again. I hate it!
Dad: Sounds good.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: kaybay
Middle-aged father to waitress, about loud toddler daughter: It's an emergency. We need some happy juice.
Restaurant
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: silver
Dad, changing son's diaper: Why don't you want to wear a diaper? You want to run around naked and piss and poop all over the floor?
Son: Yeah!
Dad: What are you, an anarchist?
New Jersey
Five-year-old daughter: Daddy, ask me some math questions.
Father: Okay, what is 4 x 4?
Five-year-old daughter: It's not 9!
Father: That's correct.
McDonald's
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Michael Moore
Concerned father, giving advice to someone else's kid: I would strongly advise against eating gum found in the bathroom.
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Amanda Postel
Eight-year-old boy: Hey dad, can I get deodorant?
Father: Uh, sure.
Eight-year-old boy: Yesssss!
A&P Supermarket
Totowa, New Jersey
Fat tourist mom: Nah... I don't wanna eat there.
Fat tourist dad, wistfully: Well, it's not McDonald's.
Outside Marcy's Diner
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: townie knows best
Hostess: Your son and I were just talking about what he wants for Christmas.
10-year-old boy: Turkey bacon!
Gruff-looking father: You want turkey bacon for Christmas?
10-year-old boy, to hostess: He never buys any!
Gruff-looking father: Hey, if you want turkey bacon for Christmas, I'll get you turkey bacon.
Restaurant
Middletown, Connecticut
Father to three-year-old daughter, after she took her shirt off: Just like your mother.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: is that how you met her?
Father to 20-something daughter: One of these days we are going to have to take you on a trip and show you where everyone in the family is buried.
Daughter, dryly: That would be a lively trip.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: It would be a trip to die for
Six-year-old girl at the zoo: (drops French fries one by one)
Dad: Why are you dropping French fries?
Six-year-old girl: To feed them!
Dad: No one wants your old French fries.
Six-year-old girl: You're an old French fry!
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Dave
Dad: Does Gracie love momma?
Toddler: Pshnoooooo.
Dad: Does Gracie love Elmo?
Toddler: Yeah!
Target
Nashville, Tennessee
Little Girl: Look Dad, a buhraff.
Dad: That's "giraffe"--juh, juh, juh.
Little Girl, looking confused: Buhraff! Juh, juh, juh.
Zoo
St. Louis, Missouri
20-something pregnant girl to baby daddy: I don't think we can handle a pet.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: babies are way easier.
Son to father, exiting hospital: Dad, what's a disability?
Father: It's like when someone loses their finger in an accident, (pause) which will probably happen to you.
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Jon
Little boy: Ewww... what's that smell?
Slightly tipsy dad: Prolly barf.
Little boy: Yuck! You're gross!
Slightly tipsy dad: What? It's a twins game. People come to get drunk, then they barf, and you smell it. That's how it goes.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: that's not why I go to twins games.
Boy, holding bodice-ripper romance novel: Dad, is this a book for fifth-graders?
Distracted father: No. Put it back.
Boy: What is it?
Distracted father: Hardcore pornography. Put it back.
Fairwood, Washington
Overheard by: he was so hopeful
Father, explaining electrical cables to teenage son: Yeah, she's got a transvestite in her wall. But you can convert the tranny back to a female, using the thing in the wall.
Wellington, New Zealand
Overheard by: Jordyn
Dad: Do you want to get McDonald's?
Boy, screaming: No!
Dad: Do you want to get Burger King?
Boy: No!
Dad: Do you want to get ice cream?
Boy: No!
Dad: Do you want to get machine guns?
Boy: Yes.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: Lacy
Little boy, gleefully wiping chocolate on his father's white pants: I'm wiping your butt! Haha! I'm wiping your butt!
Ann Arbor, Michigan
New dad: Look! These clothes are cute. Oh, look at this dress!
New mum: You have a boy, not a girl!
Department Store
Melbourne
Australia
Young boy to father: Dad, I really wanted that chocolate cereal, did you buy some for me?
Father: No.
Young boy: Why not?
Father: Listen, I'd also prefer it if you stayed at your mom's all the time. But do we always get what we want? No.
Subway
Vienna
Austria
Small boy: Dad! Dad! Can I have that?
Father: I've told you before, craving leads to attachment.
Toy Shop
Eastern Suburbs, Sydney
Australia
Six-year-old girl: Dad, I want to see snow!
Six-year-old girl's twin: Me toooo!
Dad: But girls, it doesn't snow down here--you have to go up north for that.
Six-year-old girl: Then let's go up north!
Six-year-old girl's twin: To the North Pole!
Dad: Yeah! But you know what, mom won't let us.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Daddy: If you don't eat...
Three-year-old boy: You'll hit my butt? I like it when you hit my butt, it feels good on my super wee-wee!
Chick-fil-A
Columbia, South Carolina
Overheard by: Carrie
(little girl is spinning and singing in grocery store line)
Dad, very calmly: Honey... Next time the gypsies come to town, they're leaving with an extra person.
Severna Park, Maryland
Young boy, pointing enthusiastically at a goat: Dad! Dad! Look! That goat has some big ol' balls!
Father, indulgently: Mmm-hmm. I like that one.
San Antonio, Texas
Young dad, trying to put struggling kid in high chair: Come on, don't be a dick.
Restaurant
Brisbane
Australia
Teenage boy, pointing at his dad: Kill him!
Mom: I can't do that! He just got his hair cut!
Dagenham
Essex
England
Overheard by: Anthony Mercer
Dad to kid: Come back here, or I'll have to beat you!
Kid, indignant: You can't beat me! I'm a belly button!
Wal-Mart
Pasco, Washington
Man to son, coming out of restroom: After what you tried to do to Tigger I'm not sure if you deserve that.
Disney World
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Tracy
Little girl in stall with dad: You're silly! This is silly!
Dad, peeing: Nothing is silly in here.
Girl: That's silly. This is silly. Stop.
Men's Bathroom
Hendersonville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Tanner
Dad to little girl sitting on railing, watching sea lions: You fall down, that's it. If you fall down, I'm not helping you. (pause) And the sea lion's gonna eat you.
Pier 39
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Paulo
Dad balancing bird toy on middle finger, to seven-year-old son: This is dad's magic finger. He uses it when driving.
Shout-out: community.livejournal.com
Mother to teen son: Your hair needs a cut.
Teen son: Your face needs a cut.
Dad: Your face needs a punch!
Ebdentown
New Zealand
Overheard by: Schmitty
Male golfer to 20-something son and his girlfriend: See, that's the problem golfing with a female. If there are no women here, the world is your toilet!
The Magnolia Golf Course, DisneyWorld
Orlando, Florida
Small boy with ice cream cone, trying to get mom's attention: I peed my pants! I peed my pants! Mommy, listen to me, I peed my pants!
Mom, deadpan: I bet that's real uncomfortable for you.
Dad to son: When we get home we are just gonna have to hose you down.
Son to dad: Oh yeah, make me lay on the yard and then spray the hose on me, and on my penis, and down my pants on my penis!
Boy's brother, from minivan: Ew! You can spell the pee!
Bucks County, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: free birth control
Little girl to dad: Daddy?
Dad: Yes?
Little girl: Why can't brothers and sisters get married?
Toronto
Canadia
Little girl: (talking over airport announcement)
Father: Quiet for a second!
Girl: (continues talking until announcement is over)
Father: Great. What if he was saying "Run! Zombies!"? We'll be sitting here like idiots while the zombies come...
O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Father with two small sons dressed in Halloween costumes, walking into liquor store: Okay, guys, now pick out the kind of whiskey you want and go put it up on the counter.
Oshkosh, Wisconsin
Three-year-old daughter, pointing at huge woman: Dada, she has a big booty.
Father: Sweetie, you don't want to talk about other people's booties.
Three-year-old daughter: But dada, she couldn't sit on our toilet. It is too small for her.
Father: Okay. (hurriedly moves out of the aisle)
Three-year-old daughter: Her booty is too big for pee and poop to come out. She makes a big mess and gets it all over! (father starts pushing faster)
Supermarket
Quincy, Massachusetts
Little boy being pushed in cart: You smell!
Dad: No, you smell!
Little boy: No, you smell!
Dad: You smell!
(a little later)
Little boy: That was awful!
Dad: Only because you think it is.
Little boy: You're a sock!
Dad: Oh, I'm a sock now?
Little boy: A soooock!
Dad: No, you're a sock!
Whole Foods
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Kafrin
Dad to son: I don't need to pay someone 50 cents to tell me that I'm overweight.
Pheasant Lane Mall, New Hampshire
Three-year-old: Pick me up some cigarettes! I need a smoke!
Dad: What did you just say!?
Kansas
Small child #1: Hey, daddy, can we go get some ice cream?!
Small child #2: Yeah, daddy, let's have ice cream!
Father: Uh, no. But you can have yogurt drinks. They're basically the same!
Small children: Yay!
West Edmonton Mall
Canadia
Overheard by: Dr. Ruth
Man to small daughter: Do you know why they cut the elephants' tusks off? It's so they won't poke or hurt anybody. (pause) Just like we cut your fangs off when you were young.
St. Louis Zoo
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Katie
Father to son in stroller: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall; Humpty Dumpty had a great fall; Humpty Dumpty hired a great lawyer; Humpty Dumpty sued the pants of the wall maker.
K Street
Washington, DC
Daughter, about cousin: Does he want to give me a ride?
Dad: No, he wants you to ride him.
North Canton, Ohio
Tough-looking guy with eight-year-old: Don't go over there! Dirty, gross stuff over there, dirty people go there.
Kid, climbing through railing bars: Druggies!
Dad: Don't say that around here! Daddy doesn't want to have to fight anyone.
Chinatown
Downtown Winnipeg
Canadia
Overheard by: al
Little boy at ice cream parlor: Uh...can I have um, little gummy bears?
Impatient dad: Oh, that's great. You invented something the store doesn't have.
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: Griffin
Man to daughter entering race: So, do you have to quack while you run, or...how does that work?
4th of July Parade
Brighton, Michigan
Overheard by: Tonya
Four-year-old boy: Daddy! I wanna get hammered!
(mom pulls out a toy rubber hammer, sighing)
Dad, to everyone around: Shhhhh, nobody heard that! If you did, little forgetfulness fairies will fly into your mind!
Airport
Phoenix, Arizona
Young daughter to white mother: You fell in love with a Mexican?
White mom: Yes, I did.
Mexican dad: Unfortunately.
El Fenix
Texas
Seven-year-old-daughter: I'm sorry, daddy, but I love crafts!
Father: I know...can't you find another hobby?
Seven-year-old-daughter: No, daddy, it's going to be just like at camp!
Father: Yeah, your mother and I should have switched you at the hospital.
Michael's
Hamilton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Diana
Dad to son, passing Valentine's Day t-shirt display: These are kind of nice for your mom, no?
Son: It's for mom, what do I care?
City Center Mall
White Plains, New York
Overheard by: Nathan
Impatient father to 5-year-old girl in toilet stall: Mary, hurry up, what are you doing in there?
Mary: I was just thinking about how great I am.
Men's Room, Airport
Fort Myers, Florida
Dad: There are some things you can't discuss with girls. Like I would never tell your mom about the really weird-colored shit I had last night.
Preteen son: What color was it?
Dad: See, that's not the kind of question a girl would ask.
Northgate Mall
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Didn't want to hear it either
Seven-year-old girl: Daddy, do you know what stinks ?
Dad: No, what?
Seven-year-old girl: Dog farts.
Dad: Let's not talk about that here.
TJ Maxx
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: A.Taylor
Teen prep: Shell is a lot more expensive than GetGo these days. (later) I'm missing a lifetime movie right now!
Father: She's like Zippy the Pinhead!
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Shoppy
Man to son: Stop talking about vampire bats and focus on your poop.
San Diego, California
Dad to little girl: I'm going to feed you to a puppy.
Little girl: Dad! I don't want to eat a puppy.
Dad: I'm not going to feed you a puppy, I'm going to feed you to a puppy.
Little girl: Oh, that's okay, I like puppies.
Brunswick
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Claire
Father on phone to wife: No, it was at dinner, and then this drunk at the next table made a comment about our son. No. He said Josh looked like "a retarded page from the dark ages." That's not funny. (long pause) I'll schedule him for a haircut tomorrow.
Pennsylvania
Small child: Hey, dad, can we take the quarters out of the fountain?
Father: Not now. That's what we do after dark, when we put our ski masks on.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: rappeling from the ceiling for spare change.
Tourist baby: Bah bah bah bah bah!
Tourist dad, changing his diaper: I hear ya.
Tourist baby: Bah bah bah bah bah bah!
Tourist dad: Uh huh.
Tourist baby: Bah bah bah bah!
Tourist dad: I told you not to mess with those guys.
(tourist baby laughs)
Tourist dad: Yeah, you know what I'm talking about!
Restroom, Walt Disney World
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: The Normie in the Handistall
Father: I read a report where they have linked promiscuity to Alzheimer's.
20-something daughter: Don't be jealous, dad.
Sydney
Australia
Girl: Your child is adorable.
Proud father: Yes, she's so fluffy and absorbent!
Yarmouth, Maine
Overheard by: Jade
Father to four-year-old: Stop spanking the eggplant!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Kay
Excited preteen girl to dad: Look, dad, it's Hannah Montana!
Dad: Honey, we get out of the house so that we don't have to sit around and watch this all day long.
Macy's
Bridgewater, New Jersey
Overheard by: AS
Teenage boy to father: I've been talking to a Thai lady on the internet and, I'll bring her to New Zealand for only $50,000!
Father: Is she genuine?
Teenage boy: Genuine Thai lady-boy!
Auckland
New Zealand
Overheard by: Tessa
Two-year-old: Waaaaah!
White trash mom: You want mommy to push your stroller?
Two-year-old: Waaaaah!
White trash dad: You wanna go ten feet under?!
White trash mom: Honey, it's six feet.
Sears
Nashua, New Hampshire
Overheard by: jefe
(five-year-old boy is slapping and punching packages of beef and pork)
Father: Josh! Stop slapping the meat.
Bystander: (laughs out loud)
Father (hissing): No! Not that!
Safeway
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
Little girl: So when do we get to see the unicorns?
Dad: There don't have any. Unicorns aren't real.
Little girl: Even African unicorns?
Dad: No, they don't exist either. And even if there were real unicorns, they'd probably be from Europe.
Zoo
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: mel
Five-year-old boy: Daddy?
Father: Yes?
Five-year-old boy: When I grow up, I want to marry you.
Father: Uhm, you can't do that. What about your friend, Alex?
Five-year-old boy: Hmmm. Okay. I think I'll marry Alex instead.
Reynoldsburg, Ohio
Overheard by: Timothy
Kid stopping to look at object on the ground: Look, glass!
Father: That's a lolly.
Kid: No, it's glass!
Father: It isn't glass, it's a lolly.
(kid picks up object and puts it in his mouth)
Kid: No, it's glass.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Never found out what it was.
Dad walking towards hotel lounge: Where are your hands?
Young daughter: Somewhere they shouldn't be!
Dad: That's right! Somewhere they shouldn't be!
Austria
Dad to daughters: I've stolen more bellybuttons than you can count.
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Jude
Toddler, pointing to gigantic bin ball: Daddy!
Father: Oh, believe me kid, we don't need any more balls in our house.
Shoprite in Clark, New Jersey
Overheard by: allison
(at the polar bear exhibit)
Father to son holding a rock: Don't throw that rock! If you throw that, it's going to hit the bear, and then he's going to come over here and eat you. Do you want him to come over here and eat you?!
Zoo
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: Sarah.
Sister: Grandma got him a box of latexes!
Dad: Oh, well, I didn't know you and grandma were so...ahem...close.
Brother: Oh! God! No! Stop! My ears!
Reston, Virginia
Overheard by: Carly
Dad, seeing his little girl spit in a soda bottle: This is disgusting, nobody will want to drink from it now.
Little girl: I know, that's why I did it.
Dad: That's not nice. Smart, but not nice.
Pumpkin Farm
Half Moon Bay, California
Dad: Oh, the menu says they have fish tacos. Have you ever had a fish taco? I've never had a fish taco.
Mom: No, I haven't. I don't think I'm going to get a fish taco.
Young daughter (under her breath): Fish tacos make me think bad things.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: they make me think bad things too
Five-year-old: Daddy, I want ice cream.
Father: How does it feel to want something?
Vermont
Young mother to four-year-old boy: C'mon, sweetie, let's wash your hands.
Sarcastic father: Yeah, dude, you're disgusting.
Boy (increasingly louder): Yes. I am disgusting. You know what else is disgusting? My penis!
IHOP
Hammond, Louisiana
Overheard by: The Only Small Press in Bumfuck
Eight- year-old girl to parents: Can I pleeeese have a Cinnabon?
Dad: No, you don't need that. Finish your dinner.
Eight- year-old girl: If I don't get a Cinnabon, I'm basically going to kill myself.
Rest Stop
New York Thruway
Overheard by: Karen
Two-year-old: Daddy, do I have a penis?
Father: Yes, you do.
Two-year-old: Ha ha! Silly penis.
Chicago, Illinois
Father: Sweetie, your affection for the dog is causing you to hallucinate.
Empress Pavillion
Chinatown, California
Overheard by: Yapplebee
Five-year-old girl (pointing at penis on sculpture in museum): Daddy, what's that?
Daddy: What do you think it is?
Girl's little sister: It's a butt!
Five-year-old girl (pause, whispers in amazement): It's a penis.
Harvard
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: loves smart kids
Father: Look, there's a potty over there!
Five-year-old daughter: No, I don't wanna go in the porta-potty!
Father: Okay, where are you gonna go then?
Five-year-old daughter: In my pants!
Father: Alright!
SUNY
Purchase, New York
Dad to son in stroller: Here's where we saw the sexy tree!
Disney World Animal Kingdom
Orlando, Florida
Dad to daughter: Just don't pretend you're riding a bucking bronco when you're in bed.
Seattle, Washington
Father shouting out of house: Jacinta! Get off that cow! You'll ruin your communion dress!
Limerick
Ireland
Disgruntled dad-to-be: I wish I could sue the urologist, but it is what it is. So now I'm having a son. Whatever.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Glad he's not my Dad
Dad: What do you want for dinner?
Toddler #1: Shit!
Dad: Uh, you can't say that...
Toddler #2: Shit!
Toddler #1: Shit!
Toddler #2: Shit!
Toddler #1: Shit!
Dad: Uh...
Grocery Store
Maryland
Three-year-old boy to grandfather: Do you have a penis?
Grandfather: Yes, I do.
Boy: I have a penis, too. My penis is small. My penis is cute.
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Vejewsbian
Dad: That's an awfully big brownie. You know it's so big it's a Girl Scout.
Daughter: Silence.
Dad: Hey, this is funny stuff from your dad.
(daughter stares at him in silence)
Buffalo, New York
Overheard by: Tim
Group of little girls to window poster: Hannah Montana! Hannah Montana! Hannah Montana!
Exasperated father: Don't kiss that!
Mall
San Diego, California
Dad pushing stroller: [Singing.] Got a stroller so tight, you don't have to walk, got a stroller so tight, it'll fuck you up.
Denver, Colorado
Father: So, any luck with finding a jacket?
Teenage daughter: No, but somebody tried to sell me drugs.
Father: Well, that's something.
Victoria Market
Melbourne
Australia
[Family looking at a Golden Compass poster.]
Mom: Oooh! The new Narnia movie!
Dad: Did you know the polar bear is Jesus?
Great Escape Theater
Illinois
Overheard by: The Surly Usher
Kid: I want to go swimming!
Dad: They don't have any smoking rooms here, and I gotta smoke. We have to go somewhere else.
Kid: Can't you just go outside and smoke?
Dad: It's snowing outside! You'd like it if I had to go out in the cold and snow just so you could go swimming, wouldn't you?
Kid: But they have a pool here! I want to go in the pool!
Dad: That's all you do... All you do is think about yourself! I gotta smoke!
204 Hendersonville Road
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Taryn
Guy: I learned something... What did I learn? I learned that my son is a fatty.
Chick-fil-A
Marietta, Georgia
Little girl: Where's Ben*?
Father: He's in heaven, honey.
Little girl: Still?!
Preschool
Fort Lauderdale, FL
Little girl: Daddy! Daddy! Emma just kissed the shopping cart!
Father: She'll kiss worse things in her life.
Hannaford
Yarmouth, Maine
Overheard by: Jade
Little girl: I love you, pole.
[She kisses the pole.]
Father: Don't kiss the pole! Keep it rated G!
Outside a Dim Sum Shop
Alameda, California
Little girl: I farted!
Dad, indifferent: Stop farting.
Little girl: I farted on the dog!
Dad, still indifferent: Continue farting.
Glendale Heights, Illinois
Overheard by: rbmmom
Little boy: Dad, what's a "brer" rabbit?
Father: A rabbit with a lot of brer in it.
Magic Kingdom
Disney World, Florida
Overheard by: Natalie
White father: There's Burger King, Subway, Taco Bell.
Six-year-old son: [no response].
White father: There's sushi.
Six-year-old son: Aw shizzle!
Food Court, King of Prussia Mall
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Carrie
Mom: Did you hear that Harry Lee died?
20-something daughter: Yea, and Sylvester Stallone came to the funeral, I thought that was odd.
Previously uninterested dad: Interesting fact about Sylvester Stallone- he has a penial implant.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Angry father, to young daughter: Do you wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese?
Daughter: [scared silence]
Father: Then stop touching shit!
Wal-Mart
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Molly BOOM
Little boy, standing next to a car: Daddy, this isn't our car! Daddy, what are you doing? This isn't our car!
Man: Look, buddy, you've got to stop saying that when we're in parking lots. [to a couple walking by] I just got a new car.
Little boy: No you didn't!
AMC Theatres
Owings Mills, Maryland
Overheard by: they steal cars, dont they?
Small child, pointing to an "eat pussy" graffiti painted on the side of a restaurant: Daddy, what does that say?
Father: It's a menu.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Chikara
Little boy: Daddy, how are we going to get down?
Father: Parachutes.
Top of Space Needle
Seattle, Washington
Daughter: It's like... I didn't see any Mexicans around for months, and then today, I've seen so many!
Father: Well, it got warm.
Cool Springs Mall
Franklin, Tennessee
Overheard by: Haha, what?
Dad in locker room, to son: Jake, take your pants off.
Five-year-old son, singing: Take your pants off, do the ducky-ducky.
Dad: Jake!
Five-year-old son: Take your pants off, do the something-something.
Newport Athletic Club
Middletown, Rhode Island
Four-year-old kid, pickig up magazine: Hey, Dad, it's Britney Spears!
Dad: No, that's Jamie Lynn, her sister.
Four-year-old kid: Ohhh, the pregnant one.
Dad: Yep.
Four-year-old kid: But she's not even an adult!
Dad: You don't have to be an adult to get pregnant.
Four-year-old kid: So then how do you get pregnant?! [Dad puts magazine back.]
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Cortny
Three-year-old girl: Can I open this?
Dad: No. There are two hundred and fifty matches in there, and they're going to fall all over the place.
Three-year-old girl: But I promise I won't eat them.
Harvest Co-Op
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Father: My kid broke his face today. He tried to do a back flip and kneed himself in the eye.
Friend: It's fine. Kids are like lizards -- they grow stuff back.
Liberty Mutual
Boston, Massachusetts
Dad to two-year-old daughter, before dropping her off at daycare: What are you going to do with the other kids today? ... You should teach them all to be cage-fighters!
Ada, Ohio
Overheard by: Marci
Dad: Why are you wearing your sunglasses inside?
Nine-year-old boy: I don't know... 'Cause I feel like it.
Dad: Well, take them off. You're not a gangster, pimp, or high... yet.
Chinook Theatre
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Hannah
Father holding infant son in glass elevator: Are you scared, sweetie? It must be nice not to have a sense of your own mortality.
Burlington Mall
Burlington, Massachusetts
Toddler in stroller, after dad accidentally pushes him into a shelf: Uh-oh!
Dad: Yeah, uh-oh! Daddy's drunk, so he shouldn't be drinking and driving. [Toddler giggles.]
Mt. Eden
Auckland
New Zealand
Overheard by: Jon
Man with camera: No, smile. There's no frowning allowed on MySpace anymore. It's a rule. If you want your picture there, you have to smile.
Six-year-old son: Okay.
Man, to other young son: And you -- be serious. No, not like that. Beyond serious. Like you lost your dog -- that serious. No, even more -- like you lost your truck!
Ice rink
Asheville, North Carolina
Father: ... But worms don't have arms and legs. You have arms and legs, don't you?
Young son: Uh-huh...
Charlestown Square
Newcastle
Australia
Little Hispanic boy: I want more food.
Dad, calmly: Okay. We just have to get another plate.
Little Hispanic boy: But I want more food!
Dad: Okay! We just need to go get you another plate.
Little Hispanic boy: But I want more food!
Dad, yelling: I said 'okay'! I just have to get you a new plate!
Little Hispanic boy, shocked: You yelled at me...
Dad: Well, I tried speaking to you like a white man, but you wouldn't listen.
Chinese buffet
Reading, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Hole
Father to eight-year-old son in front of paddle boat vendor: No! We have jet skis. Are you kidding me?!
Inner Harbor
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Y G B S M
Dad to table full of preteens: If everyone's good, they can get one tattoo and one piercing.
Pei Wei, 7th Avenue
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Ken
Happy dad to little kid: Capital punishment is fun!
Morgantown, West Virginia
Father to baby: Mommy and I are gonna have lots of fun tonight. Yes we are! And we're gonna make sure we don't have another baby like we did last time. [Baby starts to laugh and coo.]
Wegmans
Manalapan, New Jersey
Overheard by: Why do I work here?
Heavy guy looking at atlas: What's a 'labia'?
Son: One of those Eastern European countries.
Barnes & Noble
Peoria, Illinois
Six-year-old boy: Look, Dad! I got a sticker.
Dad: That's a butterfly sticker, which is a girl sticker. You can't have that.
Six-year-old boy: Okay, Dad. What do you want me to do with it?
Dad: Give it to me.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Katelyn the sticker collector
Little boy: I don't wanna walk any more.
Father: No talking when we're on vacation!
Michigan Avenue and East Hubbard
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Thad
Little girl, after fireworks: Was that magic, Daddy?
Father: There's no such thing as magic.
Magic Kingdom, Disney World
Florida
Overheard by: Emily.
Two-year-old boy, admiring his hands instead of the alligators: Look, Dad -- look at my nails!
Grimacing father: Yes, yes... Your mother is to blame for that.
Atlanta Zoo
Georgia
Five-year-old boy: I don't like that... It doesn't taste good.
Father, picking up frozen dinner: Oh, I'll make it taste good!
Topsham, Maine
Overheard by: Morgan
Son: I just don't understand it.
Father: That's because you have no imagination.
Foothills Mall
Fort Collins, Colorado
Overheard by: Tempus
Child, as his dad videotapes a monkey: I can't see the monkey!
Dad: You'll see him when we get home.
Vilas Park Zoo
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: mike
Boy: Dad, why do toilets flush?
Dad, irritated: I don't know.
Boy: I think it is so no one can steal the poop.
Bathroom
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Pooper Snooper
Man: I just wanted to go to the cafeteria lady and say, 'My children are not astronauts!'
Ted's Restaurant
Virginia
Overheard by: Nic
Dad: When I came in it smelled really great, but it actually tasted really disgusting.
Daughter: Same with poop.
Arizona
Dad to five-year-old son: Do you want to get a practice doughnut?
Downyflake Donuts
Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: we were also practicing before real breakfast
Man pushing newborn in stroller: I'm not capitalizing financially off the cuteness of my daughter.
Denver International Airport security line
Denver, Colorado
Five-year-old boy: I feel gay!
Dad: What?
Five-year-old boy: I feel gay!
Dad: No, you don't.
Wal-Mart
Grand Blanc, Michigan