From the "Bump N' Grind" Escort Service

Suit on cell: I don't know much about this party he's throwing, other than he got me a pregnant stripper.

Del Monte Shopping Center
Monterey, California

Overheard by: Amy

Like Putting Mayo on French Fries

Jock on cell: I bet he's a lame fuck. He wouldn't do any of that weird stuff you like.

Barton Springs Pool
Austin, Texas

How You Know This Wasn't Overheard in New York

Red-faced man, shouting furiously into cell: Now you listen to me you... (sees small children nearby) pluck-arsed parrot.

Gouger Street, Adelaide, South Australia

Plastics Were So 1967

Suit on cell: But yeah, concrete is the future.

Metairie Road
Metairie, Louisiana

Overheard by: What happened to plastic?

She Does a Lovely Rendition of "Plaque in the USSR"

American woman on cell: So when you go to Moscow, can you bring me back some toothpaste? Yeah, just Crest. Thanks.

13th St
Washington, DC

Lucy and Ethel Have a Serious Falling-out

Well dressed woman on cell: No, no, no. That's the problem, I can't just shoot her because she is on my property. She has to be like breaking into the house or something... We'll have to find another way.

Maket East Train Station
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Michael Jackson: At Least I'm Consistent!

Woman talking on phone to friend: I have a real thing for little boys. I never used to...

Train Leaving Brighton
England

Overheard by: Wishing she hadn't tuned in at that point

Which Is Virtually Indistinguishable from His Singing

Chick on cell: David Hasselhoff just brushed past me. Mooing.

Coachella Music Festival
Indio, California

Overheard by: Brokeass Harem

The Reason Dirges Were Invented

Girl on cell: You know, like, I don't feel tired, but, like, I know in my heart that I'm tired. You know?

University of Washington
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Just Me

Jenny Made the Same Observations About Every Church Fundraiser

Respectable-looking chick on cell: Not *nearly* enough trannies.

Vallejo and Powell
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Maybe Just Take It to a George Clooney Movie

Girl on cell: We're going to vibe her vagina. Well, not vibe it.

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: K

They Have a Cool Little Hotspot Called Bar Nun

Balding yuppie guy on cell: All things being equal, I would like to drink.
(pause)
Balding yuppie guy on cell: Oh, so you guys are drinking in the convent?

Saxby's Coffee
Georgetown, Washington, DC

Some News Just Sounds Better from a Payphone

Loud man on payphone: He said they removed something like four pimples from his prostate. What? No! Pimples! Pimples on his prostate!

Florida State Campus

Overheard by: Dr. Ian Maxwell von Indypants

"Sister"? Really?

Woman on cell: That poor baby-mama! Or, shall I say: "wife".

Cambridge, Massachusetts

Can They Still Call It Martha Stewart Living?

Girl on cell: Wait... Wait! You're telling me she's not a zombie? You mean she's actually dead?

Emory College
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Zack

The Question Every Rock Of Love Contestant Must Eventually Face

College-aged girl on cell: How am I supposed to date him if I'm afraid he's going to kill me and keep my vagina in a jar?

Grocery Store, Kentucky

The Slippery Slope Leading to Marriage and Children

40-something woman on phone: Was that the time when we made cone bras or the time when we shaved our legs with a nail file?

Toronto
Ontario
Canadia

Everyone's a Beautiful Woman After 12 Tequila Shots

Drunk guy on cell: Dad, I can't talk right now, I'm surrounded by FBI agents, but I've got your $100, your beer, and your marijuana. Oh, and your toilet paper. [Pause.] No, dad, FBI agents. [Pause.] I don't know, they're all beautiful women.

B Line
Boston, Massachusetts

I Mean, I Gotta Get My Orgasm Somewhere, Right?

Girl on phone: Yeah, he couldn't get it up, so we just watched Schindler's List instead.

eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Unless There's Something I Don't Know About DVD Players

Guy on cell: Just because you own one doesn't make you Mormon!

Barnes & Noble
Southlake, Texas

Overheard by: Autumn

But Not a Real Green Dress --That's Cruel

Girl on phone: I'll go on MySpace and look until I die for a picture of you in a ugly green dress!

Orlando Ale House
Orlando, Florida

Dude Said He Wanted to Sail on My Wine-Dark Sea

Girl on cell: I just heard the most epic pickup line. Like, if Homer had known this pickup line it would have been all over The Odyssey.

Northwestern University
Illinois

"You're the Meanest Babysitter Ever!" She Screamed

Suit on cell: Yeah, well, we got into a fight about whether she would rather have a regenerating salami foot, or a regenerating cheese hand. She chose cheese hand, but I explained about the salami foot being protected by socks, while the cheese hand is exposed to everything. The conversation just went downhill from there...

Bellevue, Washington

I'll Let You Use It for Special Effects in the School Play

Chick on cell: Hey! I had a miscarriage! Wanna hang out?

High School Classroom
Englewood, Colorado

That Carmen Miranda Costume Will Be Done in No Time!

Woman on cell: Slowly... over the next week... add a fruit.

Barnes & Noble
St. Louis, Missouri

Turns Out Hell Is Nicer Than Michigan

Bimbette on cell: I thought I'd died, and then gone to, like, not heaven.

University of Michigan
Ann Arbor, Michigan

You Never Did That When We Were Together, Either

Young guy on cell: You got a bikini wax?... Really?... How come you never did that when we were together?... Oh, so you're a woman now?

7-Eleven
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia

The San Francisco Equivalent of a Nice Dinner and Jewelry

Angry suit on cell: I cleaned out my ass for you, bitch!

On the Street
San Francisco, California

And in a Jar in the Office Fridge

Large black dude on cell: What?!... Okay... His sperm is alive and well and kicking.

BART
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Nate

So Maybe She Needed Out-of-This-World Sex

Guy on cell: Yeah, I hooked up with her. [pause] I fucked her. She was tight. [pause] She hasn't called me back. I don't get why it's so hard to take five seconds out of your day to see how I'm doing. [pause] She's, like, Asian. Half Asian and half alien.

Barnes & Noble
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Hobo

Do You Mean It, or Are You Just Using Her for Sex?

Girl on cell: I said "I love you" like three years ago. Why? When was the last time you said it?
[pause]
Girl on cell, shocked: Ew! To who, you whorebag?!
[pause]
Girl on cell, incredulous: You say "I love you" to your mom?

200 Bus
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: likewhoa

Especially Not Child-Sized Ones

Girl on cell: Listen, he is not a nice guy. Anyone with handcuffs permanently attached to his bed frame is not a nice guy.

University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia

Particularly the One with the Retractable Razor Blades

Guy on cell: And all I could say was: "Thank God... I have my surfboard with me!"

Boylston Street
Boston, Massachusetts

Just Don't Begin the Conversations with "I'm Naked and Wet"

Woman on cell: I just asked how's he doing and he actually told me that he's getting hard just talking to me. [Pause.] Well, what do you think I would say? "Oh ,that's nice"!? Hell no! I said: "Oh crap! Sorry, I have another call, gotta go". Yeah, that was definitely odd. Remind me never to be nice and try calling my exes again.

Florida

Terry McAuliffe: Shhhhhh!

Preppy brunette on cell: So did you hear? Hillary won the primaries yesterday! [Pause.] Wait, you mean there's more than one?

JMU Bookstore
Harrisonburg, Virginia

Overheard by: baffled

Did That Come Out Of Me?

Woman in bathroom stall, on cell : ... That's just how it is... No, that's my pee you're hearing... Anyways, what did she say? Wait a second, I have to wipe...

Spokane Airport
Spokane, Washington

Overheard by: wish i had held it...

Is That Yiddish for "a Moment"?

Tall gay 20-something male on cell: My niece died. I need a Fresca.

CVS
Boston, Massachusetts

It's Just That All Those Ink-Blots Looked Like Vaginas

Woman on cell: Well, I don't feel like a lesbian.

Volunteer State Community College
Tennessee

Overheard by: kyndgrrl

Slylock Fox's Puzzle: How Many Things Are Wrong with This Conversation?

Thug sitting in traffic yelling into cell: I moved you and the goddamn kids out here! I robbed muthafuckas for you! I'm facing five to ten goddamn years for you, and I can't even get a goddamn thank you?! Bitch, you drunk?!

Highway
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: scaredspectator

Looked Like He Might Be Manorexic