Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | People

Now She's Standing on Her Head to Keep It There

Old woman to granddaughter: I saw her the other day, and all the fat from her face has slipped down to her boobs.

Piccadilly Circus
London
England

Overheard by: lola

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Though Nicole's Already Tagging and Auctioning Off My Belongings

Old lady to friend: I've been praying for the strength to be friendly with Nicole*, but she makes it so difficult! Goddamit, I am going to heaven, so either she has to shape up soon or I have to try not to die!

San Jose, California

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What With Mrs. Butterworth Morally Judging Me

Elderly woman: You know... It's so hard to eat pancakes in the nude!

Winchester, Virginia

Overheard by: SB

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I'm Not Pregnant!

Old Russian woman: You very strong girl!
Cashier: Thanks.
Old Russian woman: You will birth very easy!
Cashier: Than... wait, what?!

Hannaford
Yarmouth, Maine

Overheard by: Jade

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Unless I Can Have Someone Holding the Train Like a Bridesmaid

Old lady: I've lived with my body my whole life, but I don't want it down around my ankles.

Women's Gym
Studio City, California

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Lady, You Live in the Wrong Fucking State

Older woman working out with personal trainer: I'm almost 70 years old. Ask me how much I care how I look. I don't even have a mirror in my bathroom. I was just interested in a chemical peel. They wanted to roll my skin up over my head, take out the fat, then roll it down again, not to mention take out my liver and kidney. And the woman that's dragging me around to this stuff? She's a gusher. I hate gushers. She says: "We'll go through this together". She says: "Ask the gods." Can you imagine me asking the gods for a facelift? What blasphemy. She says: "Tell me about yourself". I say: "You mean the heroin addiction?" She says: "Really?" I say: "Yeah, it was after my two daughters were born, when I started robbing banks to support us." Honestly, everything has to be so sordid before someone will listen to you. You have to have an incestuous affair or something. When in reality, I work all day, then come home and watch TV like the rest of the human race.

Women's gym
Studio City, California

Overheard by: Trying not to howl with laughter

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Really? Now All I Have to Do Is Master Shot Callin' and I Can Die Happy!

Teen cashier at checkout: Are you listening to music on an iPod?
Geriatric customer: It's an iPhone.
Teen cashier: Dude, you're ballin'.

Columbus, Indiana

Overheard by: Hoosier

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And Who You Callin' a Dias?

Old man with mullet to brown child in stroller: Buenos dias, niñito.
Woman pushing stroller: We're black. He knows English.

Gallivan Center Trax Station
Salt Lake City, Utah

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Their Lips Say "Shut Up" But Their Eyes Say "Play On!"

Young woman, after graphic conversation about sex and drugs: Do you ever think, while we're talking: "Wow, the people on the train are so lucky to get to listen to us on their morning commute!"?
Older woman: Oh my god, all the time.

Train
Sydney
Australia

Overheard by: catherine

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Just the Ones That Don't Fly, Kiddo

Five-year-old to grandma: You're just jealous cuz you don't like monkeys.

Target
Virginia

Overheard by: JH

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The Chicken Doesn't Count, Sir

60-year-old journalism professor: Oh, the choking game? Heh... I play that all the time.

Emerson College
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Sarah

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Low-Maintenance People Live Longer, Anyway

Little old lady: I'm not a Pina Colada type. Give me a Coors Light and a nice doobie and I'm good.

Women's Gym
Studio City, California

Overheard by: urzzz

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Why Does "Mountainous Region" Sound Dirty to Us?

Older man walking: I know we live in a mountainous region, but if we lived in a really mountainous region I'd wear pants.

University of Massachusetts
Amherst, Massachusetts

Overheard by: I'd wear pants too...

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Then Whose Funeral Was I Just Attending?

70-something woman to 80-something woman: Oh hello, so you're still alive?!

Wloclawek
Poland

Overheard by: renia

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Said She's Too Old to Start Wearing Pleather Again

Old lady to another: Mary started crying because she thought they were taking her back to New Jersey.

Pizza Shop
Lima, Pennsylvania

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Let's Hope English Isn't Her First Language and Move On

Old lady speaking to granddaughter: What exactly is a handjob?

Huddersfield
England

Overheard by: your how old and you don't know what?

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Is That Why You Keep Flinging Rocks at My Forehead?

Little boy: I don't have a grandma!
Grandma: Yes you do sweetie...
Little boy: No! I don't have a grandma!
Grandma: Yes you do...
Little boy: No, you're a giant!

Grocery Store
Colorado

Overheard by: Not a Giant or a Grandma

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Why Do You Have to Bring Ross Perot Into Everything?

Old man employee:... So I was at the Cabbage Patch Kid factory in Georgia...
Young trailer trash dude employee: Cabbage Patch Kids?!? I'd rather hold hands with a midget clown than play with one of those things!

Hardware Store
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: kat

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Doesn't Smoke, Never Misses a Curfew...

Well-dressed older lady: That's definitely one of the better diphthongs.

Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Ladle

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Sometimes You Do Know What You're Missing

Little old lady to husband: I don't care how many times you've washed it or how clean it is! I've lived 60 years without my tongue making acquaintance with your asshole, and I'm not about to introduce the two of them now!

St. Louis Street
Lebanon, Illinois

Overheard by: AlternknitiveKnitter

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But Smokers and Belchers Rise Straight to the Top

Grandpa to grandson: ... And no one but nobody can be a young leader if they crack their knuckles!

Washington, DC

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Our Backyard Squirrels Just Don't Hold the Allure They Once Did

60-ish lady: If it weren't for Dancing with the Stars, I don't know what we'd be watching!

Whole Foods
Ridgewood, New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

A Poodleskirtectomy Had Saved Warren's Life

Old man: I recently had surgery. What was it I had removed? Something that starts with a 'P'...
Old lady: Was it your pancreas?
Old man: No... It wasn't my penis, either, because I definitely still have that.

L.L. Bean Outlet
Wareham, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Amanda

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Distant, Constipated, and Lonely, That's the Life for You

Little old lady: Are you here to poop? That's what I just did. Everybody poops. It feels great! Such a relief!
Preschool girl: Yeah!
Girl's mom: Come on, honey... What have I told you about talking to crazy strangers?

Bathroom, Target
Novi, Michigan

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So, Why'd God Break Your Hip, Myrtle?

Old lady #1: ... And now he's crippled!
Old lady #2: Well, of course he is. That's what God does to people who get divorced.
Old lady #1: That's true.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Voudou

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This Is Mathilda's Follow-Up Question to Everything

Young girl: Where is your husband?
Old woman: Oh, honey, my husband is up in heaven.
Young girl: I'm sorry... Did he get eaten by a crocodile?

Flight to Bermuda

Overheard by: elizabeth

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Yeah, I'm the Smart-Ass Who Isn't Out of Insulin

Woman behind counter: The doctor isn't here.
Old lady: What about a nurse?
Woman behind counter: The nurses aren't allowed to write prescriptions.
Old lady: Well, you know, you're a fucking smartass.

Memphis, Tennessee

Overheard by: Jesa

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Mean, Does That Line Ever Work?

Naked old man: You know, they say you really shouldn't hang meats anymore.
Fully-clothed hipster: ... Really?

YMCA locker room
Chicago, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But All You Have Are Seven Cats and a Yarn Collection!

Grandmother: I had to write you out of my will.
10-year-old grandson: What? Why?
Grandmother: You never called. I can't give you money and things if you never call.
10-year-old grandson: But I love you.
Grandmother: You can't just say it! You have to mean it and show it! I'm keeping you out of the will!

Target
Atlanta, Georgia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'm Never Borrowing Your Hankie Again

Old lady to another: I don't like toilet paper. I think it's such a waste.

Mt. Vernon, New York

Overheard by: Not sure if I should laugh or puke

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Just Keep Walking, Beatrice

Older lady: What's a whiffy?
Man, confused: What's... a whiffy?
Older lady: Right there! It says, 'Free whiffy' -- W-I-F-I.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Overheard by: Jen

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Go a Few Miles South and That's Punishable by Death

Child: Who's Elvis?
Mother, not paying attention: I don't know.
Concerned old lady nearby, to mother: You don't know who Elvis is, honey?

Cincinnati, Ohio

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Then I'm Gonna Emancipate Yo' Ass

Angry old man to frat guy: I'm gonna take you out back and teach you who the sixteenth president is.

Pub
Bloomfield, New Jersey

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All My Gentleman Callers Are Dead

Loud old lady on cell: Hello! Sorry about before. I was so shocked someone called me that I pressed the wrong button!

Belgrave Line train
Melbourne
Australia

Overheard by: Kiri

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I've Devoted My Life to a Cinematographic Study of the Phenomenon

Bubbly girl: I am so happy now!
Bubbly friend, holding her hand: Me, too! I can't believe it!
Old man, stopping them in hallway: What are you two so happy about?
Bubbly girl: We just hit on each other!
Old man: So, are you girlfriends now?
Bubbly friend: Yes, we are!
Old man, after long pause: Two girls together... That is a wonderful thing.

Peninsula College
Pt. Angeles, Washington

Overheard by: Gidget

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I Need Somebody Who'll Be Grateful

Old lady diner to captain: This food is amazing. I hope the chef is single, over 60, and horny.

Arnaud's Restaurant, Bienville Street
New Orleans, Louisiana

Overheard by: The Frontwaiter

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It's Time for Me to Check Out

Old lady in return line at Wal-Mart: Where are the adult-sized EZ-Bake ovens?

Shout-out: overheardinphilly.blogspot.com

Overheard by: big momma

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Ansel Adams: Worked for Me!

Old man: ... So I tell her, 'Hey, it's healthier than smoking, drinking... banging chicks...' [Old women laugh.] But I could always mix the photography with the banging chicks and make some money on the side...

Panera Bread
Michigan

Overheard by: CDG

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Because "Wal-Mart" and "Rich People" Are Practically Synonymous

Old lady #1: There's this neighborhood in Chicago that is absolutely infested with serial killers. Their solution to this was to build a Wal-Mart to bring rich, white people in.
Old lady #2: Did it help?
Old lady #1: No. One of the serial killer victims that was left for dead gave a description for a drawing, and nobody has seen him.
Old lady #2: Maybe he's locked up during the day. Maybe he's retarded and lives in a home and sneaks out only at night when no one will notice him.

Oakland, California

Overheard by: Perplexed Cal student

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Geez, I'm Trying

Crew member: Sir, you can't stand here.
Old man, blocking walkway: [Ignores him.]
Crew member: Sir! This is a walkway.
Old man: This is foolishness!
Passerby: Why don't you just die, already?

Disneyland
Anaheim, California

Overheard by: uncomfortably waiting for the damn fireworks