Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | People

Some Flights Need a Two-Drink Minimum

Flight attendant: And if you have smelly, I mean "small" children with you, you may disembark before other passengers. Thank you for flying Jetstar, we hope to see your ugly, I mean "lovely" faces again.

Jetstar Flight
Australia

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Why the Gays Should Run the World

Delightfully gay and snarky flight attendant: Now, ladies, I am impressed with your Louis Vuitton and your coach. I adore your Prada and your Gucci. They are beautiful. But I will be more impressed with all of your bags if you stow them under the seat while we are landing. Now sit back and shut up.
(five minutes later, while plane is taxiing)
Delightfully gay and snarky flight attendant: We are finally here. So please, exit the plane a lot quicker than you boarded it. (plane stops, parks at gate) Get out.

Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois

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...Even Though It Sounds Like It Could Be a Muslim Name.

Flight attendant: Just for future reference, when flying into O'Hare, Xanax is your friend.

O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: NeededSome

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And Never Underestimate Their Surgical Dexterity

Pilot #1: He flew to Myrtle Beach to meet some girl he met online. We were expecting to find him naked in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney.
Flight attendant: Who would want his kidney? He's so short!
Pilot #2: Hey, kids need kidneys too! Little kids!

Atlanta, Georgia

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We'll Now Begin the "Sensual Massage" Portion Of Our Flight

Flight attendant, over loudspeaker: We will now be dimming the lights for the remainder of the flight.
(Lights dim)
Flight attendant, in deep, sexy voice: Are you in the mood to fly now? I thought so...

Southwest Airlines Flight
Austin, Texas

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But I'm Sure You'll Locate Your Suitcase-- Bwahaha!

Passenger trying to find lost baggage: Excuse me! Do you work for United?
Airline steward: No! Oh no! Thank god!

P.E. Trudeau Airport
Montreal
Canadia

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When Communists and Capitalists Work Together

Flight attendant: As you depart the aircraft, please check your area for any personal belongings. If you leave anything behind, please make sure that it can either be split three ways or that we can sell it on eBay. Thanks for flying Southwest!

Buffalo, New York

Overheard by: robyn

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Lightly Stroke It.

Flight attendant: Contrary to popular belief, pushing the button with the flight attendant on it will not turn your flight attendant on. So don't push it.

Flight to New York

Overheard by: Erica Lynn

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So Smuggle Something Spreadable, Like Whipped Cream.

Flight attendant, describing Australia's quarantine practices: And if you do not declare any foodstuff and you get caught you may face on-the-spot fines, or prostitution.

Flight to Sydney, Australia

Overheard by: Erik

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Requiem for a Dream? Really?

Passenger to attendant: Excuse me? They turned the movie off.
Attendant: Yes, we're landing earlier than thought.
Passenger: Oh, but the movie wasn't over.
Attendant: Sorry about that, but we need to turn it off for descent.
Passenger: But I was watching it!
Attendant: I am very sorry, but since we have started our descent...
Passenger, interrupting: But now I don't know how it ends!
Attendant: They all lived happily ever after.

Qantas Flight to Melbourne
Australia

Overheard by: Seat 14 F

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So I'm Sure You All Appreciated the Delay

Vaguely thuggish flight attendant: Aiiight, y'all, welcome aboard United Airlines...don't know the flight number, but we're going to Detroit, and that's all that matters.

Delayed Flight from Washington, DC

Overheard by: keeeeem

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If That's True, How Come There's Never Been a Real World There?

Flight attendant: Okay, everyone, we're going to be landing soon. We would like to be the first to welcome you to reality...I mean, Cleveland.

Plane over Cleveland, Ohio

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Grim Reaper: "I Duck Into the Bathroom for Two Minutes..."

Flight attendant, after landing: If anyone left a black coat, please come to the front of the cabin to claim it. (pause) Or if anyone would like to take a black coat for free.

Orlando, Florida

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Please Direct Any Questions to That Brick Wall Over There

Flight attendant, doing safety instructions before takeoff: Pull on the tab to inflate the life vest. If that doesn't work, blow it up manually. If that doesn't work...thank you for flying Southwest.

Flight over Providence, Rhode Island

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For Those Who've Lost Theirs, We Offer Replacements for a Small Fee.

Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, we have finally arrived at a gate. Please make sure you have all your personal belongings before you disembark: iPods, cell phones, BlackBerrys, small pets, sweaters, sunglasses, and since we just came from Las Vegas, wedding rings. Make sure you get those back on folks.

Oakland Airport, California

Overheard by: kat

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Raise Your Hand If You Want To, After Reading This?

Dutch flight attendant, collecting airsick bags: Vomit? Vomit? Vomit? Vomit? Thank you. Vomit? Vomit, sir?

NWA Flight
Newark Airport, New Jersey

Overheard by: Ladle

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All Children Left Behind Will Be Used As Slaves

Flight attendant, during speech: There is also an overhead call button, that if you misuse, will eject you from the aircraft.

Flight go Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Hikari

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And Be Sure to Return Your Seat Backs to the Awkward Position

Stewardess: Wave hi to my ex-husband and his new wife as they pass by.

Southwest Airlines Flight
Houston to New Orleans

Overheard by: Passenger A 44

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And We Hope Our Passengers in First Class Enjoy the Foxy Boxing

Flight attendant: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard flight 1751 to Raleigh-Durham. My name is John and I am your head flight attendant today. I will be assisted by my lovely fiancee Sarah and my ex-wife Jill. It may be a little awkward but we hope you have a pleasant flight.

Runway
Atlanta, Georgia

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Chances Are Good We'll Get to Denver or Somewhere Near It

Stressed flight attendant, after four-hour delay: Folks, we've just been cleared for immediate departure. (passengers cheer) All passengers must be seated, with your seat belts fastened for takeoff. To do so, insert the metal--well, if you can't figure it out for yourself, you're in trouble. If at any point an oxygen mask appears in front of you, you'll want to put that on. In the event of a water landing occurring between St. Louis and Denver, there will be a flotation device under your seat and about three feet of snow in hell. Emergency exits--front, over-wing and rear--wherever it says so. Don't even think about smoking. See the safety information card for the rest. Here we go.

Runway
St. Louis Airport, Missouri

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Tonight's Movie: Merde on the WestJet Express

Flight attendant: So I'm gonna let the lady in the box [the recording] take it away in French, then I'll finish up in English, because we like to save the best for last!
Entire plane: Oooooooooooooh!
Lady at the back (in French): We're still in Quebec, you know!

WestJet Flight
Montreal
Canadia

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That's What the Overhead Lights Are For

Flight attendant (on PA): Chances are they're all middle seats. Find the one with the most attractive people, and take it.

Southwest Flight over California

Overheard by: Armen

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Hey, You Try to Negotiate the Aisles While Applying Eyeliner

Female flight attendant (managing to bump beverage cart into a seat): Whoops, sorry! Woman driver!

Flight over Honolulu, Hawaii

Overheard by: Gaby Young

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She Was a Brilliant Preschool Teacher

Stewardess at gate: If everyone can have their boarding passes out and ready for me then I can make this go a lot quicker...and if you don't ask me any stupid questions that would help too, thank you! (smiles and starts scanning passes)

Flight from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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And Stop Slouching. You Know Who You Are

Flight attendant: Please refrain from smoking for the rest of your life.

Flight over Denver, Colorado

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Roseanne Barr: The Flight Attendant Years

Angry suit: When is this plane going to take off? I have a very important meeting to get to!
Flight attendant: The incoming plane is delayed, sir, there's nothing we can do at the moment.
Angry suit: Well, are you going to make arrangements for me to get on another flight? This is urgent! Do you know who I am?
Flight attendant (over loudspeaker): Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, there is a gentleman at the desk who does not know who he is. If anyone has any information about his identity, please come forward.

Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois

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In Every Job That Must Be Done, There Is an Element of Fun

Gay male flight attendant: If you'll be requiring wheelchair assistance when we get to Cleveland, please remain seated. Because, if you stand up, we'll assume you've been healed by the Holy Spirit and no longer need our help.
Passengers: (laughter)
Flight attendant: And please keep your seatbelts fastened until we've reached the gate and come to a complete stop.
(man in front row unbuckles his belt)
Flight attendant: Stop it, cheater!

Southwest Airlines Flight
Cleveland, Ohio

Overheard by: Erica

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NewsFlash: Cultural References from 1998 Finally Reach Missouri

Flight attendant: Fasten your seatbelt low and tight around your waist, like Britney Spears' pants.

Airplane
St. Louis, Missouri

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At Least Pretend to Turn It Off

Flight attendant: Please ensure that your mobile phone is switched off for take-off. If you don't know how to turn your phone off, there are plenty of kids on this flight who do.

Adelaide Airport
Australia

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Now Kindly Fasten Your Seat Belts in Case the Doors Fly Off

Stewardess: Sorry for the delay, ladies and gentlemen. The first two planes we tried didn't work, so this is the third one and we made it here okay...so, so far, so good!

Airport Runway
Cabo San Lucas
Mexico

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Relax-- That Just Means It Likes You

(strange loud sound comes from the plane)
Calm but confused flight attendant: That's weird, I've never heard that before.
Freaked out passenger: Um, excuse me? What?!

Flight to Cancun, Mexico

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Ugly Children May Be Retrieved at the Lost and Found

Flight attendant: As we prepare to disembark, please check to make sure you have not abandoned any bags, personal items or children. All abandoned items will be divided up among the flight attendants, except the children, who will be given to the captain.

JetBlue Flight

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Can You Even Use "Oxygen" As a Verb Like That?

Male flight attendant: ... And if you brought more than two children with you today, decide which your favorite is and oxygen that one first.

Southwest Airlines Flight #135

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So If You See Me Twitch, Clutch, or Froth, Lend a Hand, Okay?

Flight attendant to another: I don't mean to alarm you, but last night I went into cardiac arrest.

Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com

Overheard by:

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Then What's with the People in Canoes?

Passenger: What lake is that we're flying over?
Flight attendant: That would be a cloud.

Flight from St. George, Utah, to Los Angeles, California

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If I Make It Seem Longer, You'll Feel You Got Your Money's Worth

Flight attendant, before takeoff: My name is Marynell. That's 'Mary' and 'Nell,' not just Mary... But that's probably too much information since this is such a short flight.

United flight 6056
Madison, Wisconsin to Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: archdiva

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Wait, Wait -- I'm Taking Notes!

Pilot: Sorry for the delay -- we are waiting for the cleaning team. Someone had a problem in the washrooms.
Flight attendant: I'd like to remind everyone that you should poop in the toilet -- not outside of the hole but in the hole. Thank you for your collaboration.

Flight near takeoff
Miami, Florida

Overheard by: Julien

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Aw, C'mon, People, That's Great Material!

Flight attendant: Should the overhead oxygen masks deploy, please put the mask around your face as I will now demonstrate... [Puts mask on, then breathes heavily] Luuuke, I am your father...

US Airways flight to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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For You Cat Lovers, It Was a Dog

Flight attendant over PA after bump during taxi: Don't worry guys, it was just a cat!

Southwest Airlines, BWI airport
Baltimore, Maryland

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It'll Only Get Rougher from There

Male flight attendant: This will be a miserable flight. It'll be really turbulent and then we'll end up in New Jersey.

Flight into Newark Airport

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Nah, Just Another Psychotic Break

The pilot is sitting in the cockpit making clicking noises and singing in a falsetto voice.

Flight attendant: Are you high?

On the runway
Dulles, Virginia

Overheard by: first class is scary

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