Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | People

David Arquette Loves Visiting the U.K.

Quiet, intense, plain chubby girl to skinny guy with child-molester mustache: When you fuck me, choke me.

Leamington Spa
England

Overheard by: Blee

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...Thinking About Food Nonstop

Obese guy to another: That's what I like most about dieting...

Ferndale, Washington

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Queen Latifah Never Looked Back

Black girl in workout clothes: So I googled it.
Overweight friend: Googled what?
Black girl in workout clothes: The human skeleton is 20% of your body weight.
Overweight friend: So what?
Black girl in workout clothes: Sooo... Without that, I only weigh like a hundred pounds or something.
Overweight friend: (confused look)
Black girl in workout clothes: I'm just saying I'm not fat anymore.

Michigan

Overheard by: It's that simple?

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I Would Do Anything for Love, but I Won't Do That, Timmy.

Man: What do you want for Christmas?
Chubby boy: Meatloaf.

Brownstone Diner
Jersey City, New Jersey

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America: Encapsulated.

Plus-size girl looking at maternity shirt: Oh, this is cute! (pause) It will hide my fat rolls!

JC Penney
Wichita, Kansas

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To Be Fair, at Least She Won't Be a Cop.

Fat female student: I'm thirty-eight years old with a criminal justice degree, and I still can't find nothin' to do in this valley. Nobody's hirin', nothin'.
Skinny female student: Couldn't you just be a cop?
Fat female student: I can't be a cop. They give me a badge an' a gun, I'd be shootin' at fags and wetbacks. I mean, in this day in age... Not to be rude or anything...

Bookstore
West Virginia University

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They Could at Least Aquire Some Cheetah Girls.

Fat hipster girl: Do you know we didn't even get to see half the animals?
Skinny hipster guy: Dude, they don't have any sexy animals here.

Smithsonian National Zoo
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Lola Carmichael

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Now People Will Know We're Together

Obese little girl, singing: Where'd you get your body from? I got it from my mama! I got it from my mama!
Really obese mother: Shhh!

Charlestown
NSW
Australia

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Another Conflict in Which the Swiss Happily Remain Neutral

Overweight redhead Southern lady #1, looking through Switzerland t-shirts: Y'all, Ginger... I think this size is a li'l too small...
Overweight redhead Southern lady #2: Naw, I think that looks 'bout right.
Random lady: I thought we went on vacation to get away from the Southerners, not go find some more...

Lucerne
Switzerland

Overheard by: marisawin

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Aww, That's Cold.

Obese teenager to mom: I wish I had an ice cream maker built into my steering wheel.
Mother: Stop.

Mobile, Alabama

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...Prematurely

Overweight mom, walking away from grave, to young sons: If you don't start behaving, you are going to be buried here.

Arlington National Cemetery
Arlington, Virginia

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I Said You're Fine!

Woman to boy: Put a sweater on!
Boy's mother: No, he's fine.
Boy: I know I'm fat but I still get cold.

Sarajevo
Bosnia

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America: Encapsulated.

Slightly obese lady on cell: Of course I'm at the gym, honey! I promised to go to the gym today, so I'm at the gym! (hangs up, talks to friend) What an idiot. I want some ice cream.

Ice Cream Shop
Missouri

Overheard by: jeeves

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Is That Slang for "Gays," You Bigot?

Large female tourist in plaid bermuda shorts: You know what's wrong with California? Too many windows!

Quincy Market
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Isotope Feeney

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...Before We Proceed to the Big Photoshoot at McDonald's

Overweight tourist: Oh, get a picture of me outside Starbucks.

Seattle, Washington

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And, in That Moment, I Fell a Little Bit More in Love with Him

Big black lady on cell, while eating: No, girl, you don't even know! He actually said, "do you have a beer in your pocket? Cuz I'd really like to get in yo' pants!"

Irving, Texas

Overheard by: cherryindallas

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It's the High Notes That Hurt Your Ears

Overweight middle-aged woman, about infant crying non-stop: Oh my god, seriously, somebody just kill it.

Target
Norman, Oklahoma

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...So I'm Afraid I'll Have to Decline Your Offer.

Macy's sales clerk: Now this cologne is $19.99 for the large bottle and comes with the free teddy bear.
Large woman spilling out of leopard-print tube top, sniffing: This is nice... It's real classy smelling.

Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: I don't discriminate; I hate everybody.

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Are the Two Mutually Exclusive?

Fat effeminate thug: Bitch, are you a daddy's gurl o' you jus' anotha gorilla?

North Hollywood
California

Overheard by: busninja

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Then They Both Let Out Super-Sighs.

Fat tourist mom: Nah... I don't wanna eat there.
Fat tourist dad, wistfully: Well, it's not McDonald's.

Outside Marcy's Diner
Portland, Maine

Overheard by: townie knows best

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Once Again, She's So Lucky I'm Not a Bitch!

Teenage girl with bad haircut: Ugh, I so just want to punch Lauren* in the face... She's lucky I'm not a bitch.
Overweight teenage boy: I know!
Teenage girl with bad haircut: I mean, seriously, all the time from here it's all "blah blah blah, I got raped." So annoying!
Overweight teenage boy: I know!
Teenage girl with bad haircut: I'd understand if it was once in a while... but dude, she talks about it all the time!

Edmonton
Alberta
Canadia

Overheard by: Lisa

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I'm Still Not Having Your Baby, Curtis

Large black male student to tiny white female student: Stretch marks are awesome! They make you look like a tiger! (makes tiger claw gesture) Raaar!

High School
Lincoln Park, Michigan

Overheard by: The teacher

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Because You Ate Them?

Man beside pen with goat: I am not paying that much for that! I am not buying your goat!
Goatkeeper: Nobody's buying the goat.
Man beside pen with goat: That's it, I'm taking the goat!
Goatkeeper: Nobody's taking the goat, we're not selling the goat!
Large passerby: There are no goats in Cameroon.

Toronto
Canadia

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....Ooo, Chocolate Pudding!

Large chick in group of students: I like science, music, dance, and you know what else I like? Anal.

Community College
Virginia

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Evidence That Sex and the City Would've Been a Lot More Interesting If It Had Involved Plus-Sized Sistahs

Plus-size sistah: And that damn condom came off!
Friend: Oh, shit, girl! What happened?
Plus-size sistah: I dunno. It's still up in there.
Friend: What? How long?
Plus-size sistah: It's been three days. I can't reach that bitch!
Friend: Girl! That's nasty! And if you askin' what I think you askin', you can forget it!

Restaurant, Chinatown
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Joe

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You Bring the Earl Grey, I'll Bring the Bitches

Hispanic guy to large white guy: Maybe we can catch the rest of What Not to Wear, man!

Austin, Texas

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Underground. On Mars.

30-something large man: That book by George Orwell, 1984, is a prophecy!
Skinny guy sitting next to him: Yeah, yeah, man.
30-something large man: Because in 1985, the government took over, and they were the ones selling all the crack and dope. I would know. I was working for them.

Transit Bus
Olympia, Washington

Overheard by: scooting farther away

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Broke Something I Didn't Know I Had

Old guy: So did you have hallway sex last night?
Old fat guy: Uh... Yeah... Last night was kinda crazy.

Taco Truck
Visalia, California

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Some Babies Learn to Run Away Before They Can Walk

Loud fat ghetto chick to baby: See dat? See dat baby walking? That's what you need to be doing. I'm sick of carrying yo' ass around.

Target Parking Lot
Florissant, Missouri

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Ten Bucks Says He's a Collective Hallucination

Hot burner chick: Our bar was busy until the fat naked guy showed up and scared everyone off!
Fat naked guy: I'm wearing Uggs!

Burning Man
Nevada

Overheard by: Eavesdropper

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When I Went Into Insulin Shock, the Joke Was on Her!

Loud fat man on bus: When I first found out I had diabetes, I had my wife go out and buy me a big case of pudding cups. I opened each one up and poured them into a tub with some milk.
Friend: Oh?
Loud fat man on bus: My mother-in-law didn't believe I could eat it, but I sat down in front of her and drank the whole thing, just to spite her.

Portland, Oregon

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...Is the Thesis Of My Biology Essay.

Chubby girl: Oreos are better than amphetamines.

Chambersburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: gidgetgirl

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Her Shirt Says "Jesus Is My Homeboy"

Fat drunk guy: I really like your shirt. It's very intellectual.
Girl: Uh, thanks.
Fat drunk guy: I mean, I'm in college, I like to think deep, you know? I want to make films. Deep films.
Girl: Yeah, that'll be cool.
Fat drunk guy: How old are you?
Girl: I'm 16.
Fat drunk guy: Oh, I'm 18. Well...I mean, I'm 23.

Shreveport, Louisiana

Overheard by: Elle

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In Fact, I Eat Skinny People

Hot girl in line #1: Oh my god, I was so bad today! I had two whole scoops of ice cream for lunch.
Hot girl in line #2: You better watch it or you're not going to be able to fit into that cocktail dress you're buying.
Fat woman behind them: I fucking hate skinny people!

Department Store
Stockton, California

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...Can I Have That Back Now?

Hobo: Anyone got a dollar? I'm hungry as hell.
Fat girl: Here you go, man. (gives him a five)
Hobo: Thank you! Thank you! Now, see, because she's fat--no, I say healthy. I like my women healthy, gives me something to grab onto. Now, because she's fat, she knows I got to eat!
Fat girl: Umm...

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

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White People: "We're Not Touching This One."

Fat black woman to son running away: Don't make me go African American on your ass, now get back here!

Shafer Dining
Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: Lacy

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Tonight's Movie: I Want to Live!

Chunky woman, while doing crunches, to friend: I went to the Bodies exhibit yesterday. For some reason, seeing all those weird, plasticized dead people made me want to work out.

Women's Gym
Studio City, California

Overheard by: urzzz

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His Parents Banked on the Inadequacies of American Sex Ed

Overweight mom with toddler: Then he found out he was a hermaphrodite, a boy cursed with the body of a woman. He grew up never knowing...never knowing a thing.
Overweight friend: Wouldn't ya know?

Seattle's Best Coffee
Phoenix, Arizona

Overheard by: All You Can Eat

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America, Encapsulated

Fat guy: (moans)
Woman: You alright?
Fat guy: I just feel...
Woman: Yeah?
Fat guy: I feel fat this morning.
Woman: Well, you shoulda eaten something. You should eat more!

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: orly.

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If Renaissance Painters Ran the Beauty Industry

Skinny woman: So what do you do?
Fat woman: I'm a dietitian.
Skinny woman: You should give me some advice!

Menands, New York

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An Institution Worth Protecting

Obese middle-aged tourist to husband: I called him and told him we're at passenger pick-up 2. He called and asked where we'd be, and I said passenger pick-up 2, that's where he can find us. It's just easier to find us when he gets here. Passenger pick-up 2. And it's cold. That's why I brought this vest. I brought this vest in case it got cold, and it got cold. I'm going to button it up. Did you hear me? I'm going to button it up. There, it's buttoned. (husband ignores her)

Newark Airport, New Jersey

Overheard by: EthanK

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That's a Great Idea!

Goth girl: So by working to benefit communism, they started to think that communism wasn't actually so bad!
Creepy guy: You know, some people say that young people aren't deep. You've proved them wrong. (leaves)
Fat friend: Good thing he didn't hear us talking about how Sims should be able to sell drugs.

Highlands Ranch, Colorado

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Then Yells at Me for Throwing Her Thongs Out of It

Skinny brunette: I hate her! I hate her so much!
Fat chick: Why? What did she do this time?
Skinny brunette: It's just the same stuff. She hangs her thongs on the wall, and they keep multiplying. Plus, she leaves the window opened.

Sarah Lawrence College
Bronxville, New York

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Theme Parks Are Quite Different in Europe

Loud, fat american teen: I have to take the biggest leak ever. Pause. And then I want to check out those hedgehogs.

Market in Freiburg, Germany

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I'd Suggest a Rollerblades Tour

Fat American female tourist to new best friend: If ya didn't like the Vatican, you're gonna hate the Louvre!

6th Floor, Hilton Arc de Triumph
Paris
France

Overheard by: Pope Andrew I

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Competing on Any Reality Show, in a Nutshell

Guy: It's like playing hopscotch with your shirt off and the little kids are like: "Mommy, look at his boobies!" and I'm like: "Yeah. Look at my boobies."

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: well that's neat

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I'm Just a Toxic Spill Waiting to Happen

Goth girl, to friend looking at military jackets: You can get those a lot cheaper at goodwill, dude.
Overweight friend: Not in my size! When fat people die, they leak, and then their clothes can't be given to goodwill!

Starfest Sci-Fi Convention
Denver, Colorado

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Do I Have to Rationalize for Everyone in This Family?

Fat kid: Mom, I wanna go on a diet.
Fat mom: You don't need to go on a diet, you're too young!
Fat kid: You aren't too young.
Fat mom: Shush.

Meat Section at Publix
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: Trevor Allen

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She Escaped from the Closet and Alerted Red Riding Hood

Fat suit on cell: Damn that grandma!

Russell Square Station
London
England

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Being a Contestant on The Price Is Right? Really?

Morbidly obese man: It's like when you go dumpster-diving and find a whole bedroom set.

Wal-Mart
Gainesville, Florida

Overheard by: Andrea

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He's Been Disgruntled Ever Since Discovering I'm a Bottom.

Fat guy: Sorry I'm late. Mr. Sphincter isn't being very co-operative today.

Nova Cafe
Dunedin
New Zealand

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But It Was a Planned Incarceration

Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can't believe we are not hanging out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you're supposed to be hanging out with me. We never hang out anymore and we are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were supposed to hang out this past Saturday and Sunday but we didn't! You were not fucking there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Muthafucker you were in jail!

Bus
Iowa State University, Iowa

Overheard by: Casey

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In the Continuous Porn That Runs in My Head, Anyway.

Big guy to much smaller friend: We're so tight we shower together in warm, soapy water.

Ottawa, Ontario
Canadia

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That's the Last Time I'll Have an Orgy with a Family of Klutzes

Large woman: Your dad kicked me in the head!
Scrawny boyfriend: What?
Large woman: And then you kicked me in the head!

Fredericton, New Brunswick
Canadia

Overheard by: Marg

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Good Thing "Shut Up, You Cow" Is Easy to Convey with Body Language

Large white lady to small Mexican husband: I'm bleeding. [Pokes hubby, who ignores her.] Heyyy, I'm bleeding from my neck! Don't you care?! [Hubby puts headphones on and looks out window.] I wish I knew you didn't speak English before I married you!

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: corwin

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I'm Fairly Aquiver with Anticipation

BBW: You wouldn't want to see me in pretzel-formation.
Skinny man: How would you know?
BBW: I mean it. You really wouldn't want to see me in pretzel-formation. It's not very pretty to watch. It gets stuck easily that way.

Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Melissa

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Whatever. Starving Children in Nigeria Don't Even Have Earlobes.

Bartender: Geez, Hank, you're looking great these days. Been working out?
Chubby Jewish guy: Yeah. I tell ya, I've been trying to lose the spare tire, but I lost it all in my earlobes instead. It's a cruel world.

Suami's India Garden Resturant
Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: Jeebus McGee

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The Two Main Entertainment Options in Chambersburg

Fat chick: My dad has a bow and arrow that you can probably borrow, but try the chocolate laxatives first.

Chambersburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: gidgetgirl

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Black on Black Crime's Hidden Nuances

Fat black woman on cell: Black women are better than white women, because you can beat the shit out of them and the bruises won't be visible!

BART train
Berkeley, California

Overheard by: Gilatron

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

What's "I'm Gay" Supposed to Mean, Anyway?

Fat lady crying into cell: I know he's married, but I don't understand why he's dumping me!

Colonie Center Mall
Albany, New York

Overheard by: conflicted

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or Swaying Slightly Until I'm Fatigued

Fat guy wearing velour muumuu top: I don't have a wife or kids to support, so I don't feel a burning need to earn an income. I can focus on what feels healthy, what makes me happy... Like dancing.

Coffee shop
Portland, Oregon

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

David Arquette Loves Visiting the U.K.

...Thinking About Food Nonstop

Queen Latifah Never Looked Back

I Would Do Anything for Love, but I Won't Do That, Timmy.

America: Encapsulated.

To Be Fair, at Least She Won't Be a Cop.

They Could at Least Aquire Some Cheetah Girls.

Now People Will Know We're Together

Another Conflict in Which the Swiss Happily Remain Neutral

Aww, That's Cold.

...Prematurely

I Said You're Fine!

America: Encapsulated.

Is That Slang for "Gays," You Bigot?

...Before We Proceed to the Big Photoshoot at McDonald's

And, in That Moment, I Fell a Little Bit More in Love with Him

It's the High Notes That Hurt Your Ears

...So I'm Afraid I'll Have to Decline Your Offer.

Are the Two Mutually Exclusive?

Then They Both Let Out Super-Sighs.

Once Again, She's So Lucky I'm Not a Bitch!

I'm Still Not Having Your Baby, Curtis

Because You Ate Them?

....Ooo, Chocolate Pudding!

Evidence That Sex and the City Would've Been a *Lot* More Interesting If It Had Involved Plus-Sized Sistahs

You Bring the Earl Grey, I'll Bring the Bitches

Underground. On Mars.

Broke Something I Didn't Know I Had

Some Babies Learn to Run Away Before They Can Walk

Ten Bucks Says He's a Collective Hallucination

When I Went Into Insulin Shock, the Joke Was on Her!

...Is the Thesis Of My Biology Essay.

Her Shirt Says "Jesus Is My Homeboy"

In Fact, I Eat Skinny People

...Can I Have That Back Now?

White People: "We're Not Touching This One."

Tonight's Movie: I Want to Live!

His Parents Banked on the Inadequacies of American Sex Ed

America, Encapsulated

If Renaissance Painters Ran the Beauty Industry

An Institution Worth Protecting

That's a Great Idea!

Then Yells at Me for Throwing Her Thongs Out of It

Theme Parks Are Quite Different in Europe

I'd Suggest a Rollerblades Tour

Competing on Any Reality Show, in a Nutshell

I'm Just a Toxic Spill Waiting to Happen

Do I Have to Rationalize for Everyone in This Family?

She Escaped from the Closet and Alerted Red Riding Hood

Being a Contestant on The Price Is Right? Really?

He's Been Disgruntled Ever Since Discovering I'm a Bottom.

But It Was a Planned Incarceration

In the Continuous Porn That Runs in My Head, Anyway.

That's the Last Time I'll Have an Orgy with a Family of Klutzes

Good Thing "Shut Up, You Cow" Is Easy to Convey with Body Language

I'm Fairly Aquiver with Anticipation

Whatever. Starving Children in Nigeria Don't Even Have Earlobes.

The Two Main Entertainment Options in Chambersburg

Black on Black Crime's Hidden Nuances

What's "I'm Gay" Supposed to Mean, Anyway?

Or Swaying Slightly Until I'm Fatigued

Evidence That Sex and the City Would've Been a Lot More Interesting If It Had Involved Plus-Sized Sistahs