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I'm Not Pregnant!
Old Russian woman: You very strong girl!
Cashier: Thanks.
Old Russian woman: You will birth very easy!
Cashier: Than... wait, what?!
Hannaford
Yarmouth, Maine
Overheard by: Jade
Really? Now All I Have to Do Is Master Shot Callin' and I Can Die Happy!
Teen cashier at checkout: Are you listening to music on an iPod?
Geriatric customer: It's an iPhone.
Teen cashier: Dude, you're ballin'.
Columbus, Indiana
Overheard by: Hoosier
Categories: Age and ageing | Cell phones | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Customers | Default | Employees | Gadgets | Indiana | Old folks | Questions | Teens | Posted 2008-06-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I've Always Wanted to Be a Fascist
TSA agent, looking at ID: So Judy*, how are you doing today?
50-something woman: Fine. How are you?
TSA agent: You know, living the dream.
Security Terminal
Airport, Minneapolis
Instead, I'll Discuss Your Pain With This Complete Stranger
Boyfriend to gas station attendant: She slept with the entire football team in high school.
Girlfriend: Maybe, but I still wouldn't have slept with you.
Boyfriend: Yeah? Really? How's your butt feel? Ha! I haven't even told my friends about that yet!
Richmond, Virginia
Humorless Girl Was the Most Depressing Of the X-Men
Victoria's Secret salesgirl to couple: Our bras are 15% off today.
Male: I prefer it when your bras are 100% off.
Victoria's Secret salesgirl: [With a blank look on her face.] That wouldn't make sense. Then they would be free.
Depford Mall
Depford, New Jersey
Overheard by: Philly Joe
Categories: Clothes | Compare and contrast | Customers | Default | Employees | Girls | Guys | Malls | Money | New Jersey | Offers and requests | Stupidity | Wishes | Words | Posted 2008-06-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You've Taught Him Respect
Hubby: Absolute power corrupts absolutely, dear.
Wifey: It's not absolute.
Hubby: It isn't?
Wifey: No. You're not bowing.
Cashier: Ooh, I like you.
Eau Claire, Wisconsin
Overheard by: the girl with the hat
Categories: Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Couples | Customers | Default | Employees | Hubbies | Wisconsin | Women | Posted 2008-06-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
To What Extent Would It Involve Nut Gathering?
University administrator: I've been thinking that I should start my own cult. It doesn't have to be anything sexual. It could involve squirrels.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: count me in!
So "Oreo Cook" Isn't a Racial Slur?
Girl: I'll have the chocolate peanut butter car crunch.
Cashier teenage boy: Ummmm... Yeah, the "car" actually stands for "caramel".
Gelato Spot
Scottsdale, Arizona
Overheard by: Fake Blonde
How Can You Be Anal Enough to Label Your Speedos but Still Lose Them?
Voice over loudspeaker: Attention members. Will Arthur Sarksian come to the front desk? We found your Speedos.
24 Hour Fitness
Glendale, California
Overheard by: James Jameson
Categories: California | Clothes | Default | Employees | Names | Offers and requests | Weirdness | Posted 2008-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Would You Mind Taking a Picture Of Us With It?
[A young woman in a wetsuit and a young man in normal clothing are standing near the packaged meats.]
Female employee: Can I help you with anything?
Young woman: Oh, no thanks, we're just admiring the bacon.
Female employee: Oh. Okay! Have a nice day!
Vons
Ventura, California
Categories: California | Customers | Default | Employees | Food | Offers and requests | Sensory experiences | Shopping | Stores | Weirdness | Wishes | Women | Posted 2008-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
....If There Any Left
College kid: Excuse me, what is the difference between these potato pancakes and a potato latka?
Grocery stocker: Um, I don't know what a latka is, so I couldn't tell you.
College kid: A Jewish potato pancake.
Grocery stocker: Well, those potato pancakes are German.
College kid: I wonder if a German Jew would eat them.
Sendik's Grocery Store
Grafton, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Arthur
Um, Are These Khakis on Sale?
Retail lady: He fucked me really hard last night. When I woke up all this liquid came out.
Banana Republic
Orange County, California
They Told Me to Say That, but Never Trained Me
Grocery store clerk: Did you find everything you were looking for today?
Customer: Yep.
Clerk: Oh good. The last woman said she didn't, and I had no idea what to say. So I just looked at her and kind of shrugged my shoulders. She got so mad.
Customer: Then why do you ask?
Clerk: To be polite.
HyVee
Fort Dodge, Iowa
I'd Love to See That Resume
Cashier: Ok, you can step directly over to the salad tosser.
Surprised guy ordering: Her title is "Salad tosser"?
Arby's Marketfresh
Atlanta, Georgia
Categories: Employees | Euphemisms | Food | Georgia | Guys | Licking | Names | Offers and requests | Questions | Restaurants | Words | Posted 2008-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hey, You're the Experienced Pet-Sitter!
Cashier on cell phone: I mean... What's the problem? Ejaculating? Is he ejaculating too much or too little? Which is the problem?
Shoprite
New Jersey
Overheard by: allison
Categories: Cum | Default | Employees | Etiquette | Gripes | New Jersey | On the phone | Questions | Relationships | Stores | Posted 2008-04-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mango: Nobody Touch Me!
Lady on PA system: United 119 passengers can claim their baggage at carousel D... D as in delicious. Delicious mango. Delicious, delicious mangoes.
Logan International Airport
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: John Y
Categories: Advice | Airports & flights | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Fruit | Massachusetts | Offers and requests | Public Transportation | Sensory experiences | Weirdness | Women | Words | Posted 2008-04-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I Told You Not to Call Me at Work, Grandma
Salesclerk: Your total is $1.81. [Into her cellphone.] Don't worry, girl, I am listening to yo' hideous self!
Lawrence, Kansas
Overheard by: kerblammerz
Repeat: Shoe Destruction Is Imminent
Announcement over PA system: If any patients have left their shoes in reception, please come and collect them before they are destroyed.
Shout-out: community.livejournal.com
Overheard by:
The Immaculate Conception Story Has Gotten Skewed with Time
Frustrated waiter: It doesn't matter if it was real or not. What matters is that it came out of her ass!
Cass Corridor
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: fox news
We Take It Ourselves
Meth user: Am I too late to get my methadone?
Young pharmacist: Yes. After five p.m. we dump all the methadone down the drain.
Meth user, very nervous: Are you kidding?!
Young pharmacist, laughing: Yes, I am.
Fort Erie, Ontario
Canadia
Guns Don't Kill Old People; Florida Does
Customer: I want that shirt. The one with the cool-looking gun on it.
Employee: Gun? Dude, that's Florida...
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Customers | Employees | Massachusetts | Stupidity | Posted 2008-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Debbie Does Dallas, Eh?
Bar manager: So, did you watch that film I gave you?
Bouncer: Yeah, man -- I couldn't get past the opening credits without a box of tissues.
Bar
Westchester, New York
Overheard by: Tom
It Still Seems to Be Undercover
Coffee shop employee: Sir, are you a cop?
Customer: No. Why do you ask?
Coffee shop employee looking at badge on customer's shirt: I saw your thingy.
Customer, looking down at his fly: What?!
Covington, Louisiana
When It Starts Puffing a Cigarette and Calling You "American Pig"
New girl: How do I know when the French toast is done?
Supervisor, annoyed: When it looks like French toast.
University of California-San Diego dining hall
California
Overheard by: blaird
Categories: California | Employees | Food | Questions | Posted 2007-11-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'll Just Clear the Table and Then You Can Start Flinging Your Poop
Waitress: You were a hungry bunch of monkeys, weren't you?
Fredericksburg, Virginia
The New York Knickerbockers?
Employee: Any plans that start with 'knickerbockers' and end with 'amaretto' sound great to me!
Barnes & Noble
Orland Park, Illinois
Overheard by: me, too
And We Can't Help You
Frazzled female customer: Oh, you have to change my last name on the account, too. I got divorced...
Sales assistant: Congratulations!
Verizon Wireless
Charlotte, North Carolina
Overheard by: i just want my phone upgrade
Categories: Customers | Employees | North Carolina | Stupidity | Posted 2007-10-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And We're Fresh Out of Gym-Sock Substitute
Employee to another: You gotta stay focused! He's gonna run out of meat! You're letting him run out of meat!
McDonald's
Asheville, North Carolina
Overheard by: Mrs. BigMac
Categories: Advice | Employees | North Carolina | Posted 2007-09-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Because We've Dipped Their Stingers in Smallpox
Library staff: Ladies and gentlemen, Mugar Library is closing in five minutes. However, the first and second floor will be open for all-night studying purposes. If you are on the third, fourth, fifth or sixth floors you must relocate or leave immediately. We are releasing the killer bees. I hope you've been vaccinated.
Boston University Library
Massachusetts
Overheard by: Burkey
Categories: Employees | Massachusetts | Threats | Posted 2007-09-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ad: Feels So Wrong, but Tastes So Right
Chick: I'll have a kiddie sized Death by Chocolate.
Slacker worker to cone scooper: One kiddie death.
Halifax, Nova Scotia
Canadia
Overheard by: steve
Cowering in Surrender?
Newbie: How do I know when the French toast is done?
Supervisor: When it looks like French toast.
Oceanview Terrace dining hall, UCSD
San Diego, California
Categories: Bosses | California | Colleges & Universities | Employees | Food | Questions | Time Management | Posted 2007-08-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Leave It to You, Dear Reader
Plumber, rubbing his fingers together: Hmmm. No, no, it's not water. It's something much, much worse.
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: TK
Categories: Colorado | Employees | Health & Hygiene | Posted 2007-08-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
People Who Work in DC Think There's a Law Against Bad Weather
Office whiner: The weather conditions in here are unacceptable.
Manager: Huh?
Office whiner: This office has been climatically compromised, and I have to go home to be warm, and with full pay.
Manager: Sorry, that's not an option.
Office whiner: Well, then I deserve hazard pay for working under these conditions.
Manager: Again, I'm sorry, but that's not going to happen.
Office whiner, agitated: Well, fine! But I don't like being cold! [Stomps off to cube.]
Manager: Neither do I.
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Categories: Eavesdrop DC | Employees | Gripes | Posted 2007-08-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Don't Go Pulling That String in This Country
Pushy rug salesman: Look at these beautiful rugs! How great would they look in your home?
Woman: Yeah, you know, I don't really need a rug...
Pushy rug salesman: Well, nobody needs a rug!
Woman, angrily: Well, then why are you selling them, sir?!
671 South La Brea Avenue
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: I don't really need a rug, either
Categories: California | Employees | Shopping | Posted 2007-08-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Notice: Headline Delayed Due to Vomit on Keyboard
Employee: Did you know it is impossible to stuff three ounces of hamburger in half of a mouse? I tried for, like, 10 minutes.
Wildlife Rehabilitation Center
Minnesota
Where She's Decreased Thumb-Sucking by 15 Percent
Employee: She was my supervisor at the one daycare... Then they fired her, so now she works for the government.
Target
Rockville, Maryland
Overheard by: absent
Categories: Employees | Jobs & Careers | Maryland | Posted 2007-06-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or at Least Pull Up Your Underwear
Airport PA: Will the man with his pants around his ankles please return to Security and retrieve your belt?
Chicago Midway Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Airports & flights | Clothing | Employees | Illinois | Posted 2007-06-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And If You Like Him, Like, More Than a Friend
Employee to customer: Excuse me, my boss wants to know if you're a transvestite.
Shout-out: overheardinthevalley.blogspot.com
Categories: Employees | Gender issues | Overheard in the Valley | Posted 2007-05-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
