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Not As Cute As a Baby with a Cigar, but Close.
Life insurance rep: So how many cigarettes do you smoke a day?
Young woman: Oh, maybe like three or four...
Life insurance rep: Oh, that's cute.
Jersey City, New Jersey
That Guy Is Always Purple Raining on Our Parade.
Museum employee: I'm from Minnesota, originally.
Guy: I lived in Minnesota for a while, a long time back. Nice place, but there was way too much of that one guy. You know, that guy? The little guy? With "purple ..."?
Museum employee: ...Prince?
Guy: Yeah, that's the one.
Art Museum
Denver, Colorado
Like God, If They Didn't Exist, TV Would Have to Invent Them
Young film intern asked to come up with new story: What about a girl surrounded by her sassy, lesbian friends? Do lesbians come in sassy?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: I honestly don't know
Stay Away from Drugs, Kids!
Teen ordering at Subway: Yeah, I want mustard.
Teen friend: No way. Mustard?
Teen ordering: I like mustard.
Teen friend: Omigod, I'm telling Paul* and he's never gonna talk to you again.
Teen ordering: What? Omigod! No, don't!
Teen friend, pulling out phone and dialing: Too late.
Teen ordering, almost crying: I like Paul*!
Teen friend, answering phone: Hello? Paulie! Natasha* loves mustard. (pause) Oh. Never mind, Paul* likes mustard.
Cashier: Um, are you two drunk?
Teen ordering, wide-eyed: Do you like mustard?
Subway
Alabama
Overheard by: they were drunk.
You'd Think There'd Be a Train
Canadian girl #1 to tour operator: Where can we do tours of Auschwitz?
Tour operator: Um, well, Auschwitz is in Poland, so...
Canadian girl #2: No, but we mean the one the Germans set up for the war. The German one.
Tour operator: Yes, I understand, but they set it up in Poland.
Canadian girl #1, after pause: Are you sure? We came to Berlin just to see it.
Berlin
Germany
Overheard by: Jit
Also the Story Behind the KFC Double Down Sandwich
Cashier: Want to hear the lamest shit? I went to get Subway for lunch... And they were out of bread! Completely out! What the fuck is up with that?
Norman, Oklahoma
Need a Vacation from the Metric System, Canadia?
Deli customer: Could I have a kilo of shaved black forest ham, please?
Confused deli worker: How much?
Deli customer: One kilo.
Confused deli worker: I need to know how much you want.
Deli customer, getting frustrated: One kilo of shaved black forest ham.
Confused deli worker: So, 500 grams?
Deli customer, astonished: A kilo is 1000 grams.
Confused deli worker: Um... How much do you want?
Deli customer, annoyed: One kilo.
Confused deli worker: I don't know how much you want.
Deli customer, more annoyed: One kilo. 1000 grams.
Confused deli worker, after thinking for a minute: So, two 500 gram packages?
Deli customer, astonished: Sure.
Deli customer's partner: Are you serious?
Edmonton
Canadia
Overheard by: Math is hard
...And 36C.
Girl selling coffee: Do you want sugar in this?
Guy buying coffee: How big are your cups?
Girl selling coffee, face turning red: That's a bit personal!
Scotland
Overheard by: somedaftlassie
The Episode Of MacGuyver I'd Pay to See
Weird lady getting her hair cut: The nail just wouldn't stay down on my toe. So because it was all loose, junk kept getting in there. The doctor basically told me that junk would just keep getting in there.
Stylist: Wow!
(a minute later)
Weird lady getting her hair cut: If I could have one of those guys do my wedding, I'd be all like, "here's a doily and a paper cup, see what you can do."
Stylist: Yeah.
Weird lady getting her hair cut: I mean if you can't have a bangin wedding in Puerto Rico, you might as well see what you can get from a doily and a paper cup here.
Stylist: Yeah.
Supercuts
Pennsylvania
Categories: Body parts | Clients | Compare and contrast | Employees | Health & Hygiene | Pennsylvania | Relationships | Posted 2010-06-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Anywhere, Really
Middle aged woman to waitress: How do you stay so thin?
Waitress, serving woman dessert: I don't eat here.
Restaurant
Saskatchewan
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Diet & weight | Employees | Food | Questions | Restaurants | Women | Posted 2010-06-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why In Touch Weekly Exists: Explained.
Employee #1: Are you filling in for Jane*?
Employee #2: Yeah, is she okay?
Employee #1: Yeah, she's all right. Apparently her stalker's in town so she just had to go to the precinct and file all these reports.
Employee #2: Jane* has a stalker? That is fabulous and terrifying all at once.
Yoga Studio
Manhattan, New York
At Least It's My Tuxedo Speedo.
Flamboyantly gay guy in teeny Speedo, looking at bride in hotel lobby: Ummmm... Is there a wedding here?
Front desk agent, also looking at bride: Yup.
Gay guy, disgusted: God, I feel so silly in my Speedo.
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: proud to be... an idiot?
Categories: Arizona | Clothing | Employees | Queers | Relationships | Posted 2010-06-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Mean, You Have to Have Priorities, Right?
Female health care professional: I was taking prenatal vitamins, but it made my hair grow really fast, and when I bleached my hair and it grew out too fast it looked really bad, so I stopped taking them.
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Employees | Hair | Health & Hygiene | Washington | Posted 2010-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...This Is My Cardio.
Butcher, holding up mallet: Do you want me to tenderize that for you?
Customer: Oh, no, that's okay, thanks.
Butcher: Please?
Adelaide Central Market
Australia
You'll Never Find Love With Food in Your Teeth
Hobo: Do you know what the world needs more of?
Coffee employee: Love?
Hobo: Nope, toothpicks... but love was a good guess.
Sacramento, California
Categories: California | Cleanliness | Employees | Feelings | Health & Hygiene | Hobos | Questions | Posted 2010-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just As Well-- I'm a Little Fuzzy on the Whole "Bagel" Concept
Customer: Do you have any lox?
Wal-Mart employee: Of course. They're over in hardware.
Customer: No. Lox, like bagels and lox.
Wal-Mart employee: Lots? Lots of bagels?
Customer: I'll just go to Publix.
Wal-Mart
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Heading for Publix, too.
Sacred Heart Boasts the Naughtiest Librarians in the Land
Librarian: Hello, Justin. I'd shake hands with you but my hands are very sticky.
Sacred Heart University
Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Jesse
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Connecticut | Employees | Hands | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
At Least There's No Violin Shortage
Starbucks employee: Actually, most of the stores in the city are out of soy today.
Pompous customer: Well, what am I supposed to do? Starve?
Starbucks
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Ho Lexington III
Categories: Bringing it back to you | Customers | Employees | Food | Pennsylvania | Restaurants | Stupidity | Posted 2010-04-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now Stop Complaining and Start Handing Out Apples
Target employee to another: The way the store is set up is to make the child misbehave and be tempted.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: hilary!
Categories: Employees | Kids | Overheard in Minneapolis | Shopping | Posted 2010-03-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Contract Doesn't Permit Me to Draw Any Conclusions
Guy with chocolate bars: Are these really two for two dollars?
Wal-Mart cashier: All I know is they're a dollar each.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: ellie.
...Since That's What This Pie Looks Like.
Bakery clerk: It's not like my dog is going to run off and do drugs!
Confused person next in line: Um, ha ha, you never know.
Bakery clerk: Oh, we were just talking about childbirth.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Birthing | Compare and contrast | Customers | Drugs | Employees | Pennsylvania | Weirdness | Posted 2010-03-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Does Whatever the Easter Bunny Tells Her
Customer, looking at strange photograph: Wow, that baby sure does have a lot of hair!
Cashier: I told my wife not to put a wig on that baby, but she just wouldn't listen.
Birmingham, Alabama
It Also Slices, Dices, and Makes Julienne Fries
Shopper: I don't think I would trust a pregnancy test from a dollar store.
Cashier: Oh, it works. Trust me.
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: not pregnant
Ones That Will Fit Over My Big-Boy Pull-Ups
Man in dressing room to employee waiting on him: Dude, I can see my ass hair. I'm a grown-ass man. Go find me some grown-ass man pants.
Las Vegas, Nevada
We Have No Words for This Quote.
Woman: Do you have the book How to Fix Your Marriage without Words?
Saleslady: Sorry, it looks like we don't have that in stock right now.
Woman: Fuck!
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Taylor
Categories: Books | Customers | Employees | Insults | Relationships | Shopping | Washington | Posted 2010-02-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...So I'm Afraid I'll Have to Decline Your Offer.
Macy's sales clerk: Now this cologne is $19.99 for the large bottle and comes with the free teddy bear.
Large woman spilling out of leopard-print tube top, sniffing: This is nice... It's real classy smelling.
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: I don't discriminate; I hate everybody.
Categories: Customers | Employees | Fat people | Sensory experiences | Shopping | Toys | Virginia | Posted 2010-01-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Demographic Oprah Couldn't Reach
Delivery guy to guy wearing "Deadheads for Obama" t-shirt: So the Dead are for Obama?
Man: Uh-huh.
Delivery guy: Then so am I.
Burbank, California
Overheard by: Urzzz
Categories: California | Clothes | Compare and contrast | Employees | Music | Politics | Questions | Strangers | Posted 2010-01-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Aren't You Glad We Can All Joke About Mass Murder Like This?
Sweet-ass security guard: Miss, you're going to have to hang up your phone and run it through the machine.
20-something girl intern: But I'm not a terrorist, and I'm on an important call. Can't I just walk through?
Sweet-ass security guard: Miss, that would be like Timothy McVeigh driving up and asking "hey, can I park my car here?"
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Ian
Categories: Compare and contrast | Cops | Crimes | Eavesdrop DC | Employees | Offers and requests | Violence | Posted 2010-01-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Hoping for a Muppet Baby
Middle aged female client: You aren't going to find out the sex? How are you going to know what color to paint the nursery or what kind of baby clothes to get?
Pregnant 30-something hair stylist: Oh, please, like it matters what colors I choose. People aren't going to be wondering if it's a girl or a boy, anyway; they're going to wonder if it's an animal or a baby.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: jenc17
Trust Me-- I Saw It on Ellen.
Nurse: We had the father bless the house when we moved in, but weird stuff keeps happening. I don't think the spirits are happy.
Secretary: Happy? You need the priest to exorcise your house! You want the spirits to be gone, not just happy!
Hospital
Burlingame, California
Overheard by: Just here for the paycheck
Categories: California | Doctor's office | Employees | Happiness | Magic | Nurses | Religion | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-01-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Most Exciting Thing That's Happened in Tukwila, Washington in Years
Man on cell in line at bank, clearly agitated: After what happened last time, you expect me to do that? (pause) What? I can't work with that! (dead silence, then yelling) Look, you motherfucker... I know what the goddamn price of heroin is, and that's not it! (runs away from bank, gets on his 745 BMW)
Customer in line: Did he just say what I think he said?
Teller: I totally heard "heroin."
Tukwila, Washington
Categories: Customers | Drugs | Employees | Guys | Insults | Money | On the phone | Washington | Posted 2009-12-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Let Your Mother, God Bless Her, Wear the Army Boots
Teen girl holding shoe: Can I get this in a...
Ghetto shoe salesman: Dayummm girl, that's an ugly shoe!
Teen girl: Em... Aren't you supposed to be selling this to me?
Ghetto shoe salesman: Yeah, but see, y'alls not a ugly person, I can't let y'all buy an ugly shoe.
Teen girl: Thank you?
Los Angeles, California
...And Pour Some More Bailey's Into My Mug.
Store employee: Would you like to try a free sample of hot cocoa?
Nine-year-old daughter, impatient: Come on, mom! We need to get to your appointment!
Mom: Shut up! There's always time for free cocoa. Here!
Nine-year-old daughter: I don't want any.
Mom: Then just shut up.
Minnetonka, Minnesota
Which, BTW, Would Be a Great Rapper Name
White guy: How do you pronounce your name? Is it "Ty"?
Asian guy: No, it's "Tee," as in "teabagging."
White guy: Oh. (pause) Wait! What?
Asian guy: Sorry, maybe I should have said "sweet tea."
Atlanta, Georgia
For the Sake Of the Wife and Kids
Obvious minor: Can I get a pack of Marlboro lights?
Mini-mart man: Do you have ID?
Obvious minor, indignant: Yeah, but I don't have it on me!
Mini-mart man: Would you like two packs for $9.45?
Obvious minor: No thanks, I'm trying to cut down.
Greenport, New York
He Likes to Stand Out on the Porch and Shake a Stick at Trespassers
Tour guide: Where is your group going next?
Tourist: The Vatican.
Tour guide: Oh? You are lucky, the Pope is not there.
Florence
Italy
Overheard by: Burlabo
Categories: Christianity | Employees | Italy | Questions | Tourists | Posted 2009-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So We Can Throw Stones, or What?
Slightly confused woman to tour guide of a greenhouse: So, why did they put all of these windows in here?
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: um?
Categories: Employees | Overheard in Minneapolis | Questions | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2009-12-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What About Those Three Other Kids?
Six-year-old girl: Are you doing your job?
Lifeguard: Are you drowning?
Six-year-old girl: No.
Lifeguard: Then I'm doing my job.
Kiddie Pool
Great Neck, New York
Because They Just Laughed at Me When I Asked at Toys R' Us
Guy, walking up to greeter: You wouldn't happen to have any buttplugs, would you?
Target
Little Falls, New Jersey
Overheard by: harry bohemis
Categories: Ass | Clients | Employees | New Jersey | Offers and requests | Shopping | Stores | Posted 2009-12-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Everyone in Retail Can Identify
Little boy, in sing-song: I believe I can fly! I believe I can... die!
Sales clerk: That's the sad version.
JC Penney
Columbia, Missouri
And, If You're at All Interested, Napoleon's in the Supply Closet.
Employee #1: It's been such a slow day. I feel like I've been here forever.
Employee #2: I know, right?
Employee #1: How about you? Today been slow for you too?
Employee #3: Nope. I discovered time travel.
Hardware Store
Agoura Hills, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Employees | Feelings | Jobs & Careers | Stores | Time Management | Weirdness | Posted 2009-12-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Please Don't Get Angrified.
Cashier: Sorry, your credit card has been declineded.
Woman: Declineded?
Cashier: Um... Yes, the credit card people declineded it. Like, ya know, it's been denieded.
South Florida
Like a Tapir?
Cashier: I never noticed before, but you look like a meerkat.
Customer: Is that another Pokemon?
Yarmouth, Maine
Overheard by: Jade
Happily, Her Default Assumption Is Cancun.
Confused lady on PA: Ladies and gentleman, flight 250... Wait, where am I?
Airport
Salt Lake City, Utah
Categories: Airports & flights | Employees | Public Transportation | Questions | Utah | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You're Gonna Love Detroit, Sir
Social worker talking to hobo: What can I get for you, sir?
Hobo: How about a 9 mm semi-automatic gun?
Social worker: Well, I can't do that, but do you need bus tickets? Where are you going?
Hobo: Hell.
Social worker: Okay, I'll get those bus tickets then.
Hobo: Your hair's much nicer than mine.
Hospital
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: yooo
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Employees | Evil | Hair | Hobos | Offers and requests | Public Transportation | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And She Raised Them As Her Own.
Staff man: Yeah, she was freaking out. But the mouse had some babies before it passed...
Warped Tour
Columbia, Maryland
Is It Too Late to Start Over?
Customer: Do you sell Elastoplast?
Shop lady: What?
Customer: Do you sell Elastoplast?
Shop lady oh, I thought you said something about "the last of the Apaches."
Customer: That film was called The Last of the Mohicans.
Shop lady: What film?
Glasgow
Scotland
Overheard by: somedaftlassie
How International Incidents Begin
Gate attendant over PA: This is the final boarding call for Singapore Airlines flight 123.
(announcement is repeated several times over there)
Different voice, over pa: Singapore airlines, could you please not make so many announcements?
Airport
San Francisco, California
Categories: Airports & flights | Employees | Offers and requests | Public Transportation | San Francisco | Weirdness | Posted 2009-11-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If They Nag, You Can Shoot 'em
Clerk: I love women. The only thing prettier than a woman is a deer.
Post Office
South Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Sweenan A. Mornstuy
Categories: Animals | Beauty | Compare and contrast | Employees | Gender issues | Post offices | Vermont | Posted 2009-11-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sorry, we don't do special orders, that's Burger King
Woman who's too old to work at McDonald's: So, you want cheese on your sausage, egg and cheese?
Customer: Umm... okay, sure, yeah.
Centereach, New York
And I Lied and Said, "No."
Fireman: And then he asked me if I'd ever covered my hand with a plastic bread bag, and then squished my shit around in the toilet... just to see what it feels like.
Maine
...So You Can Steal Their Social Security Checks.
Hispanic cleaning lady, about being a nurse in Mexico: It's not like over there, like say, if you accidentally kill an old person, you have to buy another one.
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: high school aide
Clay Aiken?
Student: I have that song "Ring My Bell" in my head.
Advisor #1: The one by Diana Ross.
Student: I think so.
Advisor #2, from adjacent cube: It's not Diana Ross.
Advisor #1: Well, who is it?
Advisor #2: I don't know, but not Diana Ross.
Student: And that song "In the Navy."
Advisor #2: That's not Diana Ross either. Just as gay, but not Diana Ross.
El Paso, Texas
Overheard by: Disco Dan
A Bravo TV Contestant!
School counselor, trying to get kids to guess a career: This person might work in fashion, or decorate houses...
Fourth grader: A gay guy!
Raleigh, North Carolina
Categories: Employees | Jobs & Careers | Kids | North Carolina | Sexuality | Posted 2009-09-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ironically, They Were Dancing to "Walk Like an Egyptian"
Hairdresser to client in salon: I really like Egypt, you know? I feel like I have a connection to Egypt, like I was there in a past life. Like, I was watching this show on the History Channel about Egypt? Or some place? And they have three religions there? The first one was this religion where everybody kisses this wall? Mmm-mm-mm-mm. They were making out with this wall! They loved that wall. And then the next religion, god told Abraham to kill his son? What kind of crazy religion is that? And then the third religion was all these people standing up, and bending down.
Client: They were probably Muslims. They were praying towards Mecca...
Hairdresser: Uh huh. And I said to my boyfriend, "that's good exercise." I was going to watch more, but Dancing with the Stars was on.
Collingswood, New Jersey
Categories: Clients | Employees | Geography | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Murder | New Jersey | Parenting | Religion | TV shows | Weirdness | Posted 2009-09-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Life Gives You Avocados...
Checker, as customer places avocados on the belt: Are these lemons?
Grocery Store
Centerville, Utah
Overheard by: JC
Kid Surprises Are Fun, but Illegal
Woman #1, approaching register counter: Ooh! Kinder eggs! I love those things!
Woman #2: What are they?
Woman #1: They're chocolate! With something inside!
Cashier: They're hollow chocolate eggs.
Woman #1: With a surprise inside!
Woman #2: Ew!
Cashier: It's a toy.
Woman #2: Oh. A toy.
Cashier: Whoa, okay, just imagine you were a kid again, and what a surprise meant when you were a kid.
Woman #2: I know... I know. It's just, adult surprises are never fun.
Woman #1, walking out of store: What were you thinking it was going to be? A penis that would squirt all over you?
Woman #2: You never know! Adult surprises are always bad!
San Francisco, California
What If It's an Acquired Taste?
Woman #1: Hey, check this out.
Woman #2: What? Gross! Is that bacon? Is there really bacon in there?
Woman #1: Looks like it.
Cashier: I haven't personally tried it, but everyone who has says it's really good.
Woman #1: I bet it is!
Woman #2: No way. I mean... that's just too weird. Bacon? In chocolate? That's almost like bisexuality: I want to try it, but, I don't.
San Francisco, California
Categories: Compare and contrast | Employees | Food | San Francisco | Sexuality | Weirdness | Wishes | Women | Posted 2009-08-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Our Motto: "You'll Probably Be All Right"
Ride operator: This ride goes over 90 miles an hour... in your mind. We don't know if we can actually do that... without killing you. Enjoy.
Six Flags Magic Mountain
Valencia, California
Overheard by: praying the seatbelts don't fail
Categories: California | Employees | Health & Hygiene | Murder | Weirdness | Posted 2009-08-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Mean, They All Act Kinda Retarded
Customs officer to woman with a cat: Can you prove that this cat is Canadian?
Canadian Customs
Pearson Airport, Toronto
Canadia
Misrepresent!
Suit on cell: Where do you think I am? I'm at work.
Ticket taker: All tickets and passes!
Suit on cell: I'll call you back. I have a conference call.
R7 Regional Rail
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: I'm at work too
Categories: Employees | Lies | Pennsylvania | Questions | Suits | Posted 2009-08-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Remember the First Time I Felt the Sting for Forceable Intercourse and the Warmth Of Dirt...
Tour guide: The vestal virgins would be raped and buried alive if they were no longer virgins. If they let the fire go out, they would just be buried alive.
Tourist: I dunno if that's any better.
Little old Japanese woman: Hey, at least the first way you get some thrills.
Colosseum
Rome
Italy
I'm Planning on Staying in New Jersey
Saleswoman: Have a nice day!
Irritated customer: I've already made other plans.
Jersey City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Steve
You're Sending Me a Lot Of Mixed Messages
Cashier: Our credit card machine is down right now. Will that be cash or credit?
Customer: Gee, I guess cash... then.
Fast Food Restaurant
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Kate
...That Woman Is Fi Fie Foe Fine!
Crew member to friends: Oh, the gay cooks are nothing. I mean, yeah, they can have their feminine touches, but if you want real weird, you need Angela.
Friend: Angela? She sounds nice!
Crew member: She's head of security. She's two meters tall, and you need to take a step back before you can identify her as a woman.
Friend: Surely she's not that ugly?
Crew member: Oh look, there she is.
Friend: Oh my god!
Gent Jazz festival
Belgium
Since the Rain Machine Is Broken
Host to dumb tourist: Would you like to sit inside or in the garden?
Dumb tourist: What's the weather like in the garden?
Host: I'm going to guess that it's the same as outside the front door you just walked through.
Restaurant
Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: Crash
Categories: Employees | Idiots | Questions | Restaurants | Science | South Carolina | Stupidity | Tourists | Weather | Posted 2009-08-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Would Be a Lot Less Creepy If You'd Take Off the Nixon Mask
Driver, with boat in tow: How much?
Toll booth operator, in a sing-songy tone: Seven-fiftyyyyy!
Driver: What?
Toll booth operator, sing-songy: Highway robberyyyyy!
Toll Booth, Florida Turnpike
Sunrise, Florida
Overheard by: Broke Commuter
Would Any Other Country Name Its Team "the Patriots"?
Gay Blockbuster employee: I hear the New England Patriots are going to make it to the Super Bowl this year.
Customer: Yeah, I hope. They're my favorite team.
Gay Blockbuster employee: Wait, New England... Are other countries allowed to play in the Super Bowl?
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Are We Late to the Idiom Party or Something?
College therapist to class: Now take deep, slow breaths. We don't want stress to take over, because stress means purple elephants.
Marquette, Michigan
So Just Swear to Me You Aren't a Terrorist, and I'll Let You Through.
Poor overworked guy at counter: Please pardon my ignorance. My computers have collapsed, and that means my brain doesn't work anymore.
International Airport
New Orleans, Louisiana
Overheard by: Meaghan
Categories: Airports & flights | Body parts | Employees | Louisiana | Stupidity | Technology | Posted 2009-08-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...to Our Lord Jesus Christ.
Librarian at info desk: How are you today?
Gloomy guy: Not very well.
Librarian: Why not?
Guy: Oh, my girlfriend's being mean to me... Are you single?
Librarian, unfazed: No, I'm married.
West Lafayette, Indiana
Overheard by: Rachel S.
Wow. Suddenly I Loathe Myself.
Client: So, how will we work it out if I want a custom tattoo designed?
Tattoo artist: Have you ever been shopping with your girlfriend where you just sort of follow her around for a while and point stuff out until you figure out what she wants?
Client: Yeah...
Tattoo artist: It's just like that, except you're the girlfriend.
Americana Tattoo Parlor
Augusta, Georgia
Overheard by: Clarissa St. Tacocrotch
Then Where Are the Coconuts, Brainiac?
Tourist to park ranger: How do I get to Mt. Desert Island from here?
Park ranger: Ummm, you're standing on it.
Tourist: No, I'm not.
Park ranger: Yes, you are.
Tourist: This is ridiculous, I'm going to report you to the government.
Park ranger: No, really, you're on the island.
Mount Desert Island, Maine
AndNone Of Your Trickery Is Going to Get Me to Admit That We Do
Patron: Double cheeseburger and small fries, please.
Counter boy: We don't have small fries.
Patron: What sizes do you have?
Counter boy: Medium, large and extra large.
Patron: Which size is the smallest?
Counter boy: Medium is the smallest.
Patron: Fine. I'll take the smallest, then.
Counter boy: We don't have small fries.
McDonald's
Bloomington, Indianapolis
...If It Were Spelled with a Silent T.
Teenager: Hey, which terminal is baggage claim?
Airport employee: Terminal T.
Teenager: Wait...which one?
Airport employee: Terminal T. "T" as in "Charlie."
JFK Airport
New York City, New York
Overheard by:
Categories: Airports & flights | Employees | Names | New York | Public Transportation | Questions | Stupidity | Teens | Words | Posted 2009-07-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
There's One in Every Family
Little boy: Mommmmmm, I want a pet mouse.
Mother: No.
Little boy: Please? It can live in my room!
Mother: No! You know what will happen. I'll spend a hundred dollars on cages and food and toys, and Terry will just eat the bloody thing.
Pet shop worker to little boy: Is Terry your cat?
Little boy: No, my brother.
Pet Shop
Greensborough
Australia
Overheard by: Suitably Impressed
Elizabeth Berkley Bad?
Employee #1: Yeah, you know the stripper's bad when a married man says, "uh, no thanks, I'm married."
Employee #2, laughing: Man, that's bad.
Zoning Department, City Hall
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Compare and contrast | Employees | Illinois | Relationships | Sex | Posted 2009-06-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just the Check Then?
Waitress: Do you all need anything else?
Black guy: Do ya'll have some salvation back there in the kitchen?
Black girl: Are you for real? You makin' me laugh so much I'm gonna need a bucket, ya'll got a bucket back there too?
Perkins
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Deanna Gustav
Categories: Black people | Christianity | Default | Employees | Girls | Guys | Indiana | Offers and requests | Questions | Restaurants | Words | Posted 2009-06-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He Says This Every Monday.
Tram driver to very black coworker: Have you been on vacation again? You've got a great tan going on!
Gothenburg
Sweden
Overheard by: Dan Sebastian
Howard Stern Had One Custom-Installed.
Server: We need a button on the computer for this...
Boss man: For what?
Server: Balls on your face.
Midlothian, Virginia
Overheard by: bec-uhh
Categories: Balls | Body parts | Default | Employees | Guys | Offers and requests | Questions | Servers | Technology | Virginia | Posted 2009-06-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or I Would If I Didn't Enjoy It So Much.
Reporter, at man's house after he hit someone at a kids' soccer game: Sir, how do you feel about your behavior?
Man, coming up to the door holding bowl of macaroni and cheese: I am ashamed. I slap my own face.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
But Good Luck Finding Feminist Theory There
Frazzled student at exam pick-up room: Where can I find religion?
Exam worker: The Catholic church across the street?
Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Mary
Categories: Christianity | Colleges & Universities | Default | Employees | Massachusetts | Offers and requests | Questions | Religion | Students | Posted 2009-06-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nothing Reaffirms My Masculinity Better Than Tasting the Rainbow.
Angry male: You don't have a couch! Where are the boyfriends and husbands supposed to think?
Tiny shop assistant #1: I really don't know.
Tiny shop assistant #2: Well, we don't have a couch. But we do have Skittles!
Angry male: That will suffice.
Supre Store
Australia
Are You Allowed to Give Me That Advice?
Student, yelling at no one in particular: I can't believe this stupid book is $52! It's a fuckin' softcover 40-page book!
Bookstore employee: Dude, just photocopy it and return it.
Student: Ohhh! Good idea! Thanks!
Bookstore
Los Angeles, California
But I've Told Them We Don't Negotiate with Terrorists.
Children librarian, about girl scout troop outside: Um...they're throwing rocks at the windows.
Library
Suburbia, Illinois
Overheard by: martha
What Exactly Is on These Stamps?
Postal worker, about upcoming breast cancer research stamps: The scientists and the breasts will be out soon.
Post Office
Brentwood, Tennessee
Overheard by: just want to send a package
On the Plus Side, She Was Doing Some Pretty Nifty Baton Tricks
Security guard to woman who just drove over the curb: Are you drunk?
Woman driver: No, she (points to passenger) was distracting me with my vibrator!
Hospital Parking Lot
Denver, Colorado
Like "Reach Out and Touch Someone" Was Any Better?
Lecturer, about advertisements: A hug that lasts all day? What is that, like bondage?
Urbana, Illinois
Even Nymphs and Satyrs Need a Day Off, Sir
Man wearing cargo pants, on day before Easter: So what's this foolishness about you guys being closed tomorrow?
YMCA staff member: Apparently, we're celebrating Easter.
Man wearing cargo pants: But you guys are pagan!
Naperville, Illinois
Overheard by: Lauren
In the Glass Box That Says "Break in Case Of Emergency"
Guy, walking into Planned Parenthood: Hey, I just locked my keys in my car that's just around the corner. Can I borrow a coat hanger?
Girl working front desk: Uh, do you know where you are?
Guy: No.
Girl working front desk: Well, we keep 'em in the back!
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Morgan Roddy
Why You're Not Supposed to Return to the Scene Of a Crime
Little girl to store employee: Do you remember us?
Employee: Yes, of course I do.
Little girl: Oh, no! Run away! He remembers us!
Mission Viejo Mall
Mission Viejo, California
Categories: California | Default | Employees | Girls | Kids | Kids | Malls | Memory lane | Offers and requests | Questions | Posted 2009-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Is That a Multiple Choice Question?
Hooker, yelling at pimp in parked car: Lemme axe you somethin: fuck you!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: rob w.
...Now It's My Turn to Say Something About Cavity Searches
Security: What are you studying?
Girl checking books in X-ray machine: Proper oral technique.
Security: (snickers)
Girl: Dentistry!
Security: Oh.
Airpot
Newcastle
England
Categories: Airports & flights | Candy | Default | Employees | England | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Questions | Posted 2009-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Fucking Paperwork
20-something client: How do you spell "Matthew?"
Confused staff: Matthew? As in a person's name? Like "Matthew Perry" Matthew?
20-something: Yeah, it's my middle name and I want to put it on my resume. Does it have two t's or one?
Unemployment Centre
Ontario
Canadia
...After You Put Your Legs Up on Your Desk, Ma'am.
Male lab instructor: So, really, it's totally unnatural for a human baby to pass through such a small birth canal when their heads are so big. But it's also unnatural for us to give birth laying down. We should stand. Then the canal is more open, and gravity does most of the work. We are fighting nature. Now, why am I talking about pregnancy? I lost my train of thought.
Anthropology Class
Kent State University, Ohio
Categories: Body parts | Class | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Guys | Ohio | Pregnancy | Questions | Posted 2009-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Judge Me When You've Walked a Mile in My G-String, Okay?
Stripper, yelling at boyfriend: You don't have to shave your vagina everyday to get tips from bald, fifty-year-old men!
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: late night studier
Categories: Age and ageing | Default | Employees | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Money | Nebraska | Vagina | Posted 2009-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nobody Can Do Sexual Harassment Like the Insane
Crazy bag lady, loudly: I don't suck dick for pussy! I don't suck dick for pussy! I don't suck dick for pussy!
(sits down next to another passenger on the subway)
Crazy bag lady, now in passenger's face: I don't suck dick for pussy!
(female passenger gets up and moves)
Crazy bag lady: Why you jumping? Why you jumping, bitch!? You weren't jumpin' last night when that guy put his long ass dick in you last night!
Female passenger: Excuse me, ma'am, don't say that to me! You don't know me!
(subway train stops)
Conductor: City Hall station!
Female passenger: Excuse me, sir, there's a crazy lady on the subway harassing the other passengers.
Conductor: Oh, could you point her out to me?
(female passenger points to crazy woman yelling)
Conductor: Ma'am, are you bothering people?
Crazy bag lady: Why you tryin' to fuck me standing up!? Why don't you fuck me lying down like a gentleman!
Conductor: Ma'am, I'm calling the police.
Broad Street Line Subway
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Ass | BJs | Compare and contrast | Crazies | Default | Employees | Insults | Offers and requests | Penis | Pennsylvania | Public Transportation | Public transportation | Questions | Sex | Vagina | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Isn't Wellesley
Prospective student's mother: I hear there are a lot of lesbians on this campus.
Student tour guide: Well, it isn't like they jump out of the bushes and convert you or anything.
College, Colorado
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Colorado | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Gossip | Moms | Sexuality | Students | Women | Posted 2009-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Why We Have Matching Engagement Rings
Male tour guide: So, this building is wh...
Sorostitute: Oh my god! Mike! (hugs tour guide)
Male tour guide: Hi...how are you?
Sorostitute: I'm great, but I gotta run, call me!
Mom in tour: I thought you said your name was Josh!
Male tour guide: It is...I don't know who that was.
Eastern Michigan University
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Employees | Girls | Guys | Michigan | Names | Offers and requests | Questions | Sorority types | Weirdness | Posted 2009-04-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Especially If You Were Into Your Identical Daughter Cells
Microbiology lecturer: If you were a bacteria, this would be a highly pornographic image.
Melbourne University
Australia
Categories: Australia | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Porn | Science | Posted 2009-04-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, This Is Applebee's.
Intercom: The store will be closing in 15 minutes. Please bring your purchases to the front of the store to the check-out line. We hope you enjoyed your shopping experience. Thank you for shopping at K-Mart... Shit, I mean "Wal-Mart."
Wal-Mart
Massachusetts
Overheard by: Caitlin
Categories: Default | Employees | Massachusetts | Names | Offers and requests | Shopping | Stores | Posted 2009-04-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So He's More Of a Business Associate Than a Friend
Climbing instructor to terrified new climber being held by another: Is he or is he not your friend? Would a friend drop you?
Terrified new climber: Well, he's my husband, so I don't know!
Climbing Gym
New York City, New York
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | New York | Questions | Relationships | Posted 2009-04-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like Babies Do
Writer: That guy is so small he could get a job as a stunt midget.
Illustrator: Is that a real profession? I would have thought they did their own stunts.
Greenville Airport
Texas
Overheard by: Mike
Categories: Airports & flights | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Jobs & Careers | Questions | Texas | Posted 2009-04-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Translation: "Welcome to New York, Muthafuckaaaas."
MTA worker to tourist mom buying tickets with daughter: 10 dollars.
Mom: Oh, but she's a student.
Worker, looking at daughter: Oh! How nice for you! (looks back at mom) Ten dollars please.
Subway Station
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Glad thats not my cheap-ass mom
Categories: Compliments | Default | Education | Employees | Moms | Money | New York | Offers and requests | Public transportation | Tourists | Women | Posted 2009-04-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Explains the Radiation Suit
Greenpeace employee to college girl: Hey! Are you pro-environment?
College girl: No, sorry, post-apocalyptic.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: rabbit
We've Given the Bin Ladens Enough, Sir
Crazy Polish man: I need a receipt!
Cashier: Sir, you can't have a receipt if you didn't buy anything.
Crazy Polish man: I need a receipt. I need a receipt or I'll kill you...because I am Osama Bin Laden.
Starbucks
New York City, New York
Categories: Character | Crazies | Death & dying | Default | Employees | Foreigners | Names | New York | Offers and requests | Restaurants | Threats | Weirdness | Posted 2009-04-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
While the Dean Is Out Of Town on His Grinding and Shimmying Tour
Undergrad student: Where are the nursing faculty?
University secretary: Pumping.
College
Missouri
Overheard by: rami
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Employees | Missouri | Offers and requests | Questions | Students | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-04-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Is Your Brain on Subway Conducting...
Subway conductor, as train lights go out: Ladies and gentlemen, we are currently experiencing a delay because some yahoo cut the power lines walking at track level at St. George station. (ominously) Do you know where your children are?
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Jtf
Categories: Canadia | Default | Employees | Family ties | Guys | Kids | Public Transportation | Public transportation | Questions | Posted 2009-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Will Easier to Explain with a Cone and Two Scoops
Nanny to five-year-old: Look, Stephen, there's a kitty!
Stephen, petting cat: Since boys have short hair and girls have long hair, then this kitty is a boy.
Nanny: Maybe not. Boys can have long hair and girls can have short hair too.
Stephen: Then how do you tell if it's a girl or a boy?
Nanny: How 'bout some ice cream?
Washington, DC
Now Sack Up and Stop That Screaming!
CPR class instructor: So when they sent the babies to us, they forgot to include the faces...
University of Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Zach
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Default | Employees | Florida | Memory lane | Weirdness | Posted 2009-04-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Can See They Have Separate but Equal Cages
Zookeeper: We have three types of penguins: Humboldt, Emperor, and Macaroni.
Small child watching zookeeper: Are there African American penguins?
Zookeeper, clearly flustered: Er...well...there are penguins from many countries and continents...
Milwaukee County Zoo
Wisconsin
Overheard by: Not a penguin racist
...And Scuttling Away, Like a Hermit Crab.
Female shopper, surveying bathing suits: The crotch in this looks a little, uh...narrow. Tiny, actually. I feel like it doesn't provide full coverage.
Sales girl: I know. It's sort of the style now, though.
Female shopper: What do you mean, "style"? My labia showing?
Other shopper, walking up: Yeah, I agree. I don't want my vagina suddenly falling out at the beach.
American Apparel, Capitol Hill
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Celessa
Who Had Means, Motive and Opportunity?
Foreign dressing room attendant, opening all stall doors: It stinks in here! Who pooped? Someone pooped in here, and I'm gonna find it. Where is the poop? Who did it?
Ross
Melbourne, Florida
Categories: Default | Employees | Florida | Foreigners | Offers and requests | Poop | Questions | Posted 2009-03-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Think It Was the Makeup Sex
Grad student: How did you crack your rib? That's awful.
Administrative assistant: My husband.
University of Delaware
Newark, Delaware
Overheard by: Lisa
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Default | Delaware | Employees | Questions | Relationships | Students | Posted 2009-03-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Is That What You Call Your Vagina?
Cashier to woman buying lots of sex toys and lingerie two days after Valentine's Day: Sweetie, you're a little late for Valentine's Day.
Woman: No matter. It's always a good time to freshen up the prop closet.
Touch of Romance
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: awesome
Just Show Me Two Forms Of ID and a Picture Of Your Coronary Arteries
Dramatic teenage girl: Um, we would like an Awesome Blossom, extra awesome.
Unhappy waitress: We don't serve that anymore.
Dramatic teenage girl: Yes, you do. Don't lie to me, lady.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
In the Nightmares Section
Man to salesperson in hippie bookstore: Hi I'm looking for a children's book about how chemicals and global warming are destroying the earth.
Salesperson: Oh, sure, it's right over here!
The Bookshelf
Guelph, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: The zoe
Yes and Yes!
Female employee, seeing lunch being prepared: Oh, Kielbasa! I love Kielbasa! You know how I like my Kielbasa?
(pause)
Fireman #1: On your knees?
Fireman #2: In your mouth?
Maine
And Lip Rings Are Less Work Than Babies
Customer to cashier with lip rings: Okay, two questions. One, did that hurt?
Cashier: Um, not as much as I thought it would.
Customer: Second question, why did you do that?!
Cashier, speechless: Uhm...honestly...
Friend of customer: Ah, hell man, because she likes it. Shit!
Music Store
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: I've got metal in my face too...
So I've Given Up Country Music
Supermarket cashier: I only use Charmin toilet paper; if a place doesn't have it, I bring my own.
Customer: Wow, you're picky.
Supermarket cashier: I'm picky about my men too; they have to have all of their teeth.
eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Categories: Body parts | Customers | Default | Eavesdrop DC | Employees | Health & Hygiene | Names | Posted 2009-03-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wasn't This a Cheers Episode?
Waitress: Is this the book club? These are your free shots.
Bar
Allston, Massachusetts
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Books | Default | Drinking & drunks | Employees | Girls | Massachusetts | Questions | Posted 2009-03-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or the Pope's Been Using That "Sugar N' Spice" Bodywash Again
Tour guide: Now go up the stairs and take a left at the top. (pause) Wait, do I smell cookies? I smell cookies!
Vatican Museum
Vatican City
Overheard by: Face
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Europe | Food | Questions | Tourist attractions | Posted 2009-03-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sculpted to Look Like a Hamburger
Vegetarian, pointing to pink thing on her plate: What animal is that?
Waitress: That's a pear.
Mt. Vernon, New York
Overheard by: Deek
At This Point in My Life, They're Semi-Precious
Instructor: I may have to open my kimono and give him access to my jewels. (entire class chuckles)
College Lecture
Dayton, Ohio
Overheard by: Mandi
Categories: Clothes | Colleges & Universities | Default | Employees | Euphemisms | Geography | Ohio | Posted 2009-03-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Don't Judge-- As Long As She Tips
Waiter: Table for three?
Middle aged woman: No, four. I know we look like three but...
Waiter: No, I get it. Imaginary friend.
Tasty Thai
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
Categories: Default | Employees | Food | Offers and requests | Oregon | Questions | Restaurants | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-03-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Smoke It Over the Smoldering Corpses Of Our Enemies
Guy giving out samples: Free sausage! Try some local sausage for free! Made right here in Seattle, no preservatives!
(people walk right past stand without looking)
Guy, in same tone of voice: I will figure out where you live and burn down your houses! Free sausage! Try a sample!
Pike Place Market
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Compare and contrast | Condoms | Default | Employees | Food | Geography | Guys | Stores | Threats | Washington | Posted 2009-03-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Also the Difference Between the Middle Class and Everybody Else
Student: Hey there! How was your Thanksgiving?
Dining hall worker: Meh, I was pretty indifferent. At least I didn't get arrested.
Student: Oh...that's a good way to look at things.
Gonzaga University
Spokane, Washington
Overheard by: its something to be thankful for
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Employees | Food | Questions | Students | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2009-03-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Until He Discovered Super Princess Peach
Flamboyant Starbucks supervisor: I call Princess Peach!
Amused female employee #1: Be gayer, dude.
Flamboyant Starbucks supervisor: That was it. I don't think I can get any gayer.
Amused female employee #2: Yeah, he just plateaued.
Ottawa
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Gays | Girls | Pop culture | Sexuality | Posted 2009-03-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Here's a Coupon for a Complimentary Cavity Search
Irate mother: No, you don't understand. I need to board that plane now!
Stewardess at gate: Ma'm, you cannot board now. There is no airplane at the end of the jetway. Look--no plane out there.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: delayed flights always make me irrational too
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Moms | Offers and requests | Overheard in Minneapolis | Public Transportation | Women | Posted 2009-02-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Knitted Her Own Wings
Female flight attendant on cell: She was the ugliest woman I had ever seen in my life! But I swear she was my guardian angel. (sighs)
Seatac airport
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Airports & flights | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Girls | Religion | Washington | Words | Posted 2009-02-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Can't Stand the Heat, Stay Out Of Michaels
Motorist at detour: What do you mean I have to go around? I can't go around! What's going on?
Frustrated firefighter: Fire Department activity sir.
Motorist: What kind of Fire Department activity?
Frustrated firefighter: Arts and crafts, sir. Move along.
Morris Plains, New Jersey
Overheard by: Pokey
Categories: Default | Employees | Names | New Jersey | Offers and requests | Questions | Words | Posted 2009-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The CIA's Predicting a Win for the USSR
Waitress to guy wearing a Soviet hockey jersey: CCCP? Who's that?
Customer: It's the Soviet Union.
Waitress: Oh, are they playing the Caps tonight?
eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
There Was a Flier in There from a Jimmy Carter Rally
Woman, putting bag on table for security: Ugh, it's really messy, I really need to clean it...I'm sorry.
Security: Ma'am, we're not grading them. (finishes looking through bag) But if we were, I'd give it a c minus.
Hillary Clinton Rally
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Kendal
Categories: Cleanliness | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Feelings | Hawaii | Women | Posted 2009-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Not in That Slightly-Homoerotic Kirk Douglas Way
Ice cream lady behind counter: Spartacus?
Man running to get ice cream: I am Spartacus!
Oberweiss
Oak Park, Illinois
Lyle Thinks People Can Hear Him Over His Floor Buffer
Wal-Mart floor waxer: My grandma got bit twice on the leg. And they thought they were gonna have to amputate it. But then it magically healed.
Wal-Mart
Athens, Ohio
Overheard by: Lisa
Categories: Body parts | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Family ties | Malls | Ohio | Posted 2009-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
King Henry V Was Disinclined to Explain
Barber, as 23-year-old boy with bad haircut sits down into his chair: So what's with this bowl cut thing you got going on?
The Barber Shop
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Will
At Least I've Stopped Singing the Score to The Mikado
Asian tranny, bowing to group of exiting patrons: Thank you, puh-rease come again!
Very femme male waiter, exasperated: Oh, shut up!
Restaurant
San Francisco, California
Categories: Asians | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Guys | Language barrier | Restaurants | San Francisco | Words | Posted 2009-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How to Gain Great Face in a Sushi Restaurant
Waiter: Does anyone have a green Firebird?
20-something lesbian: I do, why?
Waiter: It's on fire in the parking lot!
(20-something lesbian and girlfriend go outside and return ten minutes later)
Waitress: Is everything okay?
20-something lesbian, matter of factly: Yeah, my car just caught fire. Can we have another plate?
Girlfriend, unaffected: Also, she ordered tempura.
Sushi Garden
Tucson, Arizona
Even Mothers Don't Really Know Where Babies Come From
60-something woman: He has always been a quiet person. He's been that way for as long as I have know him, and I have known him since he was a little boy.
Car salesman: Yeah. Wait, didn't you give birth to him?
Woman: I guess I have known him pretty much from the beginning, then. Weird.
Car Dealership
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Overheard by: stephen
I'm Afraid Library Regulations Dictate That I Must Give You a Wedgie
Librarian: Watcha doin'?
High school girl: Studying.
Librarian: Nerd.
Bellingham, Washington
It's Not You, It's Us
Southwest Airlines employee: Mr Jones*, only one minute to be at the gate B5. We looove you, but we have to goooo!
Airport
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Jake Conner
Categories: Airports & flights | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Feelings | Florida | Public Transportation | Posted 2009-02-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...'s Guide to Astrophysics?
Customer: Excuse me, where is your non-fiction section?
Salesgirl: What type of non-fiction are you looking for?
Customer: Harry Potter.
Bookstore
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
And Fluffy's Even More Fanatical About Keeping Kosher
Woman, purchasing dog treat: Is this beef or pork?
Cashier: It says right here, it's 100% beef.
Woman: Oh good, I don't eat pork.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: slightly concerned.
Early Elvis or Fat Elvis?
Clerk to another: And I woke up two days later by the pool, with Elvis.
Campmor
Paramus, New Jersey
Overheard by: Russ
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Names | New Jersey | Weirdness | Posted 2009-01-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Help Yourself--the Keys Are in It
Announcement: There's a gray car parked outside, four feet into the street.
Older woman: It's mine. I don't park cars; I just sort of abandon them.
Portsmouth, Virginia
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Offers and requests | Virginia | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-01-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And a Paper Cup Full Of Tap Water!
Female gallery worker: There is some concern about how much food you've eaten.
Homeless bum: One cupcake!?
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Jon
...of Color
Elderly woman: I can't believe they let you sell Obama cookies here! Tsk!
Employee: Ma'am, those are just gingerbread cookies.
Stonewall Kitchen
Portsmouth, New Hampshire
Categories: Default | Employees | Food | Names | New Hampshire | Old folks | Politics | Restaurants | Women | Posted 2009-01-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Keeps a Pearl-Handled Revolver in Her Clutch for Just Such Occasions
Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Old lady: Yes. Actually, no! You don't have any vanilla frozen yogurt! You have every other flavor (getting worked up) I have a coupon for frozen yogurt! (waves it in cashier's face)
Cashier: Uh...I'm sorry! (sends a carryout to look for vanilla frozen yogurt)
Old lady: At least you had flat-iron chicken. You didn't have it last time. (glares)
Old lady's son, in a whisper: I'm glad you had flat-iron chicken, or I don't know what we would have done!
Springboro, Ohio
Overheard by: Never knew frozen yogurt was so important
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Family ties | Food | Guys | Ohio | Old folks | Questions | Women | Posted 2009-01-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now Who Wants Ice Cream?
Administrator (mumbling to herself): Maybe I should just fire everyone here. (opens a drawer) Oh, here's my spoon. Okay, maybe everyone can keep their jobs.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: spoon.
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Gripes | Jobs & Careers | Overheard in Minneapolis | Posted 2009-01-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How You Know It's Time for a Vacation
Waitress: That comes with a side salad.
Woman at booth: I'll have a salad with ranch.
(10 minutes later)
Woman at booth: What is this?
Waitress: Your salad?
Woman at booth, loudly sobbing: I ordered a Caesar salad!
Waitress, at the top of her lungs: We have other salads! We have other salads! They are in the fridge!
Restaurant
Boardman, Ohio
What the Song "Twist and Shout" Really Means
Dining hall worker: When I got my nipples pierced I had an orgasm when the guy was doing the left one.
Student: Really? How did that happen?
Dining hall worker: When he clamped it I just told him to keep twisting that shit, and 20 minutes later I had an orgasm. It was a little Chinese man who did it...I bet his little uncircumcised dick was all bonered out and shit.
overheardatyale.com
Overheard by: overheardatyale
Goldilocks Always Has Trouble Getting It Just Right
Female cashier: I'm tired, and really not sure why.
Man checking out: You want to know what causes tiredness?
Female cashier: What?
Man checking out: Either too much sex or not enough sex. By the looks of you, it must be too much sex.
Albertson's
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: Not tired, so I must be getting enough sex
Categories: Compare and contrast | Compliments | Default | Employees | Girls | Guys | Louisiana | Questions | Sex | Posted 2009-01-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Wouldn't Share!
Lady carrying huge crate of Girl Guide Cookies to campus rent-a-cop: But they're just kids! They were just trying to have fun!
Campus rent-a-cop, genuinely surprised: They were smoking pot on my campus!
McGill
Montreal, Quebec
Canadia
It Takes A Village
Driver to people leaving the bus at the university: Buh-bye, have a great day, kids. Enjoy your lessons...bye now. Do your homework. Work hard on your exams so you don't become a bus driver! Bye-bye, everyone!
56 Bus
Leeds
England
Categories: Advice | Bus | Bus drivers | Compare and contrast | Default | Education | Employees | England | Posted 2009-01-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Where Everyone Does It, Isn't It?
Literacy lecturer with thick Russian accent: When you have a guest, you say to them "feel yourself at home."
Monash University
Australia
Just A Small-town Girl // Livin' In This Lonely Worrrrrllld
H&M worker: Hi, how are you?
Customer: Great, thanks, and you?
H&M worker: I'm okay.
Customer: Only okay? You're listening to a Journey remix in H&M! These are great times!
H&M
Toronto
Canadia
Can You Prove Otherwise?
Nanny to 10-year-old girl: So, who commonly uses Celsius instead of Fahrenheit?
10-year-old girl: Penguins.
Brookline, Massachusetts
Overheard by: S
Or Dead-- Whichever
Elevator repair man: Hey, I got a call that someone was stuck in the elevator.
Security guard: Yeah, but I haven't heard any more noise from her in like four hours, so I guess she's fine.
Temple University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Employees | Jobs & Careers | Pennsylvania | Stupidity | Weirdness | Posted 2009-01-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Talking to You, Mary Todd Lincoln
Tour guide: Be sure to stay with the group. The rats are very large and can sense weakness within the herd. (gives hard look to four old women)
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Julia
Categories: Advice | Animals | Default | Employees | Sensory experiences | Threats | Washington | Posted 2008-12-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Chives Are the Respectable Republican Cloth Coat of Herbs
Customer: I'll have a large hot chocolate, a chocolate glazed donut, and a plain bagel with smoked salmon cream cheese on the side.
Drive-thru grunt: What did you say for the cream cheese on the side?
Customer: Smoked salmon.
Drive-thru grunt: Oh, we don't have that kind.
Customer: What kinds of cream cheese do you have?
Drive-thru grunt: We have chive. Chive is like smoked salmon.
Customer: Uh...yeah.
Bangor, Maine
Overheard by: just wanted a coffee
Categories: Compare and contrast | Customers | Default | Employees | Food | Maine | Offers and requests | Restaurants | Posted 2008-12-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Does It Make a Sound?
Security guard: What do you do with a mailbox? You throw it in the middle of the woods!
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Elaine
Categories: Default | Employees | Questions | Threats | Washington, DC | Weirdness | Posted 2008-12-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us |