Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | People

Strangely, They Still Have the Same Collective IQ.

Construction worker #1: There's a lot of sick bastards out there.
Construction worker #2: Not like when we were growing up.
Construction worker #3: That's because the country's got 300 million people now. When we was growing up it only had 150 million. That's why you got three times the number of crazies now.

Oceanside, New York

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Amen, Sister

Coworker, about Dick Clark's New Year's Eve: For people our age it's just not New Year's until we see Dick.

Sanford, Florida

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Third-Wave Feminism Finally Reaches Bellingham

Coworker, indignantly: Stop locking up my chuzzles!

Bellingham, Washington

Overheard by: Should be working

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Why Superman Gets So Much Girlie Action.

Younger heavy metal guy with older coworkers: I never find the right size of long johns in the winter, so I buy women's tights instead. (older coworkers look at him in shock) What? I was kidding! Morning humor, you know.
Macho guy sitting behind: Yeah, women's tights make your junk look bigger!

Commuter Train
Stockholm
Sweden

Overheard by: strictly boxers.

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Smart Money Says This Is a Tip Enhancement Strategy

Taxi dispatcher: Yeah, take your time. No need to kill yourself.
Taxi driver: One more reason not to kill myself. Copy.

Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: Claiborne

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All You Need Is a Duffel Bag

Woman to coworker: You'd think if they were going to decapitate someone they wouldn't hide the evidence in their rear window.

West Lebanon, New Hampshire

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Where Kids from Band Camp End Up: Explained.

Female violinist, after conductor walks past: Do you ever want to slap Dr. Muller*'s ass? Cause I almost just did.
Female cellist: He has a doctorate in orchestral conducting.
Female violinist: And an ass I want to tap right now.

College Orchestra Tour Bus
Clive, Iowa

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Exactly.

Communications major: What the hell is a palindrome?
English major: No, it isn't.

California State University
Fullerton, California

Overheard by: SixPackReich

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...Well, Not Human Bodies.

Coworker #1: So, did you ever figure out what was biting you?
Coworker #2: Yeah, the clinic said it was bedbugs. And I'm like, "Bedbugs?!" It's not like I have dead bodies layin' around, or anything.

Casino
Biloxi, Mississippi

Overheard by: so, where are they?

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I Didn't Expect the Irish to Be Such Pussies

Coworker: Where were you? You were meant to be in work at 7!
Drunk Slovakian guy arriving at work: I drank Jack Daniels until 5 this morning, then went to bed. I woke at nine and fucked Jane, then got my brother to drop me off at work.

Craigavon
Northern Ireland

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And I'm Sure He Was Using That Rope As a Clothesline

Psychologist #1: He said he was going to do his laundry, which is a really good sign.
Psychologist #2: Yeah, you can't want to commit suicide and want clean clothes.

Manhattan, New York

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It Happens.

Deli worker : Hey, do you got a pen that works?
Colleague: Nah, I must have dropped mine in the parking lot after I stabbed someone with it.

Long Island, New York

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Firefighters Multitask Brilliantly

Drugstore cashier to another: Are the firemen here to shop? Or is someone down again?

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: jamjam

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Furniture Stripping

First grade teacher to colleague, in front of first graders: And so I walked into the living room and he was there, naked, standing on the coffee table.

Portland, Maine

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Extra Chunky

20-something girl: So I had to go to the emergency room because I thought I had a baby.
Shocked co-worker: What?! What was it?
20-something girl: Just my period. But it was a bad one.

Biloxi, Mississippi

Overheard by: don't ditch health class

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I'm Pretty Sure Dead Cow Is My Spirit-Animal

Coworker #1: Our courageous leader tells me our people have fallen on hard times and though the metaphorical rain may fall, our perseverance will prevail, and triumph will soon be ours.
Coworker #2: Weird, dude. Hey, wanna order Jimmy John's with me?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: coworker #3

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...Since HR Told Him He Had to Start Giving Us Warnings

Call center girl to coworker who just hung up: Did he tell you he was going to come over here and rub one off?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: keep him away from my potato salad

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Eh. Most Of What We Produce Is Shit, Anyway.

Coworker #1: Are either of you any good with reviewing grammar?
Coworker #2: What?
Coworker #1, yelling: I'm having colon problems!

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Ian

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And You Know the Company Bylaws

Male Wal-Mart employee to female coworker: Come on, what's your problem? (smiles at her)
Female coworker: I can't smile. I work here.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: A. Lil

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In the Same Way We Fail to Feel Bad for Cher

Coworker, on animal testing: I just can't feel bad for lab rats, cause they're man-made.
Friend: Seriously, dude.

Winter Park, Florida

Overheard by: Cassie

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Ah Yes, Spanish-- The Language Of Pretention.

Worker #1: So he told me to put my zapatos on!
Worker #2: Zapatos? What the fuck is that?
Worker #1: Apparently it's Spanish for "shoes." I mean, how pretentious!
Worker #3: What is it with Americans? Like 99% of Americans speak Spanish. It's not like they're anywhere near Spain!
Worker #2: Hang on, why weren't you wearing any shoes?

Sydney
Australia

Overheard by: Not-American

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We All Love the No-Hands Rule, Sir

Soccer coach: I love Fiji water.
Assistant: It's silky smooth.
Soccer coach: It's never been touched by human hands until it touches my lips.

Texas

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You'd Prefer They Were Six Breasts All from the Same Chicken?

Bagger to cashier: There's something mildly strange about a package that contains breasts... from different chickens.

Whole Foods
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: They were thighs actually, but I see your point.

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Today's Young Woman Is Proud to Display Everything She's Got

Library worker girl: That's a cute bag.
Library worker girl with clear purse: Thanks!
Boss man: But then everyone can see everything you have!
Library worker girl with clear purse: It's not like I got a gun or anything... I can always hide things between the books...
Library worker girl: Like your gun?

Kent State University Library
Kent, Ohio

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But I Thought Mimes Loved Boxes?

Female to male coworker: Stop trying to fit me into things!

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: tla

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Salem's Kind Of a Dead Town

Gay hairdresser: Ew, I don't think I could handle seeing dead people all gross and stuff!
Teenage girl getting haircut: You know, it's really not that bad... I kinda like it!
Straight hairdresser: Working downtown scares me sometimes...

Salem, Oregon

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And Maybe a Blowjob or Two

Black teen employee to teen girl employee: Some of these people, they want to get to know you and make a connection, and I'm like, "man, I don't want to be your friend, I just want to give you a towel."

Marino Center
Boston, Massachusetts

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The Rare Combination Of Stupid and Geeky

GameStop employee #1: No, dude, I swear, Puerto Rico was the 48th state.
GameStop employee #2: No it's not, dummy! Puerto Rico is not the 48th state. It was the 49th!
GameStop employee #1: Well, why don't I just look it up on my cell phone, I bet I'll prove you wrong. How do you spell "Puerto Rico"?
GameStop employee #2: P-o-r-t-o R-e-e-c-o?

Fleming Island, Florida

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Sigh. You Guys Are So Predictable.

Comic book artist: Is the word "stab" or "poink" best for a dog nose being inserted into someone's butt?
Group of coworkers in unison, very serious: "Poink," definitely.

Portland, Oregon

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Like, What the Hell Does "Whom" Mean?

Receptionist, explaining e-mail to coworker: Or she may have even did the grammar slightly off.

Library
Arizona State University

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Since I Dispensed with My Beehive Hairdo

Female salesperson: I keep all my secrets in my Furby!

Toy Store
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: i keep mine in tupperware

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I Still Got All Muddy, But I Was Paid for It.

Office worker: Well, I almost went to Woodstock, but then an opportunity to make money came up.

Shout-out: evadne-noel.livejournal.com

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Just Like the Queen Of England Has.

20-something #1: Let's get into publishing.
20-something #2: Only if it's porn.
20-something #1: Well, of course.
20-something #2: For women. Graphic pornography for women.
20-something #1: I think they already have that.
20-something #2: Giant diamond encrusted wangs, artfully displayed on wedgewood.

Denver, Colorado

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Like High Explosive, Ignorance Has a Shockwave

Blond cocktail waitress, looking at a t-shirt of George Bush and his dad with Dumb and Dumber under photos: Who is that?
Chef: Excuse me! Are you serious?
Blond cocktail waitress (a few seconds later, with dumbfounded look): Ooooooh! Is that our President? Then who is that? (pointing to the photo of Bush Sr)
Chef (grabbing head in agony): Owww!

Lulu's Restaurant
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Ben

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The ACLU Defends the Constitution? What Kinda Commie Shit Is That?!

Volunteer #1: We can't be selling this music, it's devil worship.
Volunteer #2: Well, that's the ACLU. The ACLU ought to be abolished. They're why there's all this stuff around.
Customer: Why are you getting rid of that? Don't you think people ought to be able to choose for themselves?
Volunteer #2: Harry Potter is a witch!
Customer: I think we ought to get rid of Bush and Cheney, put them in jail--they're mass murderers!
Volunteers #1 & #2: (silence)

Joshua Tree Thrift Shop
California

Overheard by: Celeste Mann

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If Only There Were Some Way to Limit How Many Can Register

Professor #1: Trying to crowd thirty-two students into a space meant for sixteen just isn't working.
Professor #2: Oh, really?
Professor #1: Is it at all possible to have the room reassigned without wading through the bureaucracy?
Professor #2: No, and that's why I always assign the thickest and most difficult readings in the first two weeks.

Shout-out: community.livejournal.com

Overheard by: Ian

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Please Join Mr. Morse and Mr. Braille in the Office

Woman over intercom: Attention, there is an emergency in the ladies' room. There are no more paper towels.
(customers in super long line snicker)
Man on intercom (a minute or two later): Attention Mr. Dewey, we have an emergency in the office. Nobody can understand your decimal system.

Trader Joe's
Washington, DC

Overheard by: Hungry

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Unless You're Prepared to Teach the Rest of Us to Plié

Construction worker #1, with southern drawl, on speakerphone: Yeah, then we all woke up wearing leotards. Looked like goddamn ballerinas.
Construction worker #2: I don't think I'd tell that story.

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Ian

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When God Closes a Tomb, He Opens the Doors

Lunching law firm girl #1: Oh god, when it comes to my track record... Seriously, I've dated two vampires and a guy who thought he was Jim Morrison reincarnated.
Lunching law firm girl #2: That's ridiculous. (pause) My junior year high school English teacher was Jim Morrison reincarnated. God!

Quizno's
Tucson, Arizona

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But I Hear There's a Starbucks There Now

Waiter: I think it would be cool to live on the moon...
Waitress: Yeah, I don't think I could do that. I'm afraid of heights.

Texas City, Texas

Overheard by: TurboCat

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Who Doesn't Like Bill Murray?

Coworker at happy hour: It doesn't matter. I like food, I've got great boobs and people dig me.

Barristers Pub
St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: JD

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Sometimes My Sphincter Needs a Cheerleader

Construction worker #1: The only time I know you're not talking is when you're smoking or pooping.
Construction worker #2: How do you know I'm not talking when I'm pooping?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: heard you in the porta-potty

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I've Mastered "Fabulous," But I'm Still Working on Three Snaps in Z-Formation

Construction worker #1: So, Lou, how's that gay thing going for you?
Construction worker #2: Goin' pretty good, Al, goin pretty good.

West Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: keeeeem

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But I Always Get It Confused with "Elimidate"

Cashier #1: He's definitely overcompensating for something.
Cashier #2: I do not know what that word means.
Cashier #3: "Compensate?" You don't know what that means?
Cashier #2: "Compensate?" Penetrate--I know what *that* is.

Filene's Basement
Washington, DC

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...And Later Hired As My Nanny

Receptionist to executive assistant: ...so in conclusion, I got peed on...by a taxi driver...who I dated.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: Ian

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Why Girl Engineers Don't Invite Boy Engineers to Their Slumber Parties

Engineer #1: We're playing my little ponies?!
Engineer #2: Oh, god.
Engineer #1: Dude, we're gonna fucking kill them! [Laughs maniacally].

Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois

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Good Thing Pluto Didn't Hear That

Chocolate store girl: You're a dicksucker. You know that? I mean, why bother with you? You seen my ass, you know I'm good-looking. You're-.
Guy in Goofy costume, muffled: Whatever. There are other tits. I'll be just fine regardless. And just so you know [lowers voice as kids approach] you're gonna get us both fired if you keep this shit up.
Chocolate store girl, loudly: Fuck you, and fuck your fucking ass! I hope you get fired! Then you can go home and suck your asshole!
Guy in Goofy costume, losing it: Better than sucking your ex's dick when you're supposed to be working.
Chocolate store girl, stunned: Who told you that?!
Guy in Goofy costume: Jen, after I fucked her!
[Girl walks into the shop quickly and goes into back room looking like she's going to cry. Goofy goes back to wandering around aimlessly, waving to little kids.]

Disney World
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: after that, my g/f and i applied for jobs there

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Good to Know Fast Food Joints Are Just As Classy Outside the U.S.

Crazy hobo in McDonald's line: Does the McDuplo come with fries?
Mcworker: Only if you get the combo. Would you like the combo?
Crazy hobo in McDonald's line: Son of a bitch! This is McDonald's. I want fries with my fucking sandwich. [he throws up on the floor, then walks away muttering.]
Mcworker to other mcworker: I wish I was dead.

McDonald's
Belo Horizonte
Brazil

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Why Do You Have to Bring Ross Perot Into Everything?

Old man employee:... So I was at the Cabbage Patch Kid factory in Georgia...
Young trailer trash dude employee: Cabbage Patch Kids?!? I'd rather hold hands with a midget clown than play with one of those things!

Hardware Store
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: kat

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In Case You Were Wondering

American construction worker: See, you escaped communism. All I ever did was join the disco demolition night at Comisky park.
Polish construction worker: I didn't escape communism, I got kicked out. Big difference.

Chicago, Illinois

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The Answer Was Both Better and Worse Than They Anticipated

Coworker #1: I don't even know what on a penis you would even pierce.
Coworker #2: I don't, either. Let me text my brother-in-law and ask him. Maybe I can get him to send us a picture of his.

Eye clinic
Salt Lake City, Utah

Overheard by: also interested

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Must Be Blowfish

NASA intern guy #1: I think your fish are gay... Like, 99 percent sure. Look, they've got vertical bars.
NASA intern guy #2: They so want each other.
NASA intern guy #1: They do. And it's not unrequited. Look, they both have vertical bars!

NASA Ames Research Center
Silicon Valley, California

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Guess Which One's the "Naughty Librarian"

Library worker #1: Do I have to lick it?
Library worker #2: ... What?
Library worker #1: The envelope. Do I have to lick it?
Library worker #2: You could tape it, I guess...
Library worker #1: Great, because after last night, I am totally out of saliva.

Main Library, Kent State University
Kent, Ohio

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Sends Me Puppies, One Piece at a Time

Quartet member #1: ... And now for some delicious candy from my stalker!
Quartet member #2: I love her! She's so sweet!

Musicians' lounge, Kohl Mansion
California

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No, Man, I Just Went Skiing

Chef #1: So, were you on the old devil's dandruff over the weekend? The old Colombian marching powder? [Chef #2 stares blankly and silently.] Is that a yes?

Belfast City Centre
United Kingdom

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And People Who Use Them Poorly

Worker, about Administrative Professionals' Day: We don't have administrative professionals here... Just computers.

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or Marcia, from Accounting

NASA intern guy: So, is frosting evil, too? Just like something was evil yesterday... What was it? Something fluffy and ugly... Like flamingos, or something.

NASA Ames Research Center
Moffett Field, California

Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl

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Friends Don't Let Friends Come to Work Sober

Guy: Yo, Jimmy*! You're doing a great job!
Jimmy, backing a U-Haul out of a tiny alley: I'm totally drunk!

Shout-out: overheardinphilly.blogspot.com

Overheard by: anonymous

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Have a Relatively Explosion-Free Day, Everybody!

TSA guy #1: Why aren't you patting everyone down?
TSA guy #2: That's what the machines are for.
TSA guy #1: Do you see the machines working?! Do you see anyone walking through the machines?!
TSA guy #2: Oh. Oops. Oh, well, it happens.

Denver International Airport
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Stephanie

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It Is When She's Blowing Me While I Cook

Dish hand: Did you fuck it all up again, chef?
Chef: Sure did.
Dish hand: You do this every fucking shift.
Chef: Yeah, but my wife's hot.
Dish hand: That is not a valid defense!

Adelaide
Australia

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Awww... Is Somebody Jealous?

Worker: My wife is pregnant!
Boss: Do you have a project plan for this?
Worker: Uh...
Boss: What's the planned date of completion?
Worker: ... May?
Boss: Hope you've done a risk analysis.

Shout-out: community.livejournal.com

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Unless You'd Like to Hide a Buck Knife in a Teddy Bear

Woman at counter: [Mumbling.]
Clerk: No, we don't carry weapons here.

Hallmark Store
St. Joseph, Michigan

Overheard by: but if you try the precious moments store...

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Everyone Knows after the First Trimester, You Move on to Goat Enzymes

Cashier #1: So, do you think Ms. Rachel is pregnant, like Missy said?
Cashier #2: No, Missy is always so full of it.
Cashier #1: Yeah, that's what I thought. I mean, if Ms. Rachel was pregnant, she wouldn't be messing around with pig's blood still.

Target
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: In agreement, although disturbed

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Grandma Brought Me the Wrong Bag Lunch

Chick: I got, like, suspended three times in five days.
Coworker: I only got suspended once, but that was just 'cause I cut this bitch with a razor.
Chick, to customer: Thank you, sir.

McDonald's
Dunwoody, Georgia

Overheard by: blur

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... By Us.

Male cashier: There's just something about Trina that I don't like...
Female cashier: She just gets robbed too much.

Convenience store
Hendersonville, Tennessee

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Enough to Keep Me in Sneakers for Chasing Ambulances

Lawyer to another: So, how much do you charge for a malicious wounding?

Party
Charleston, West Virginia

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Why Britney Spears Has Become Amorphous

Worker #1, to guy checking watch repeatedly: God! You're such a spaz!
Worker #2: I'm a spaz? You're the one who has to sort your rubber bands by color, size, and shape.
Worker #1: Shape? Rubber bands only come in one shape!
Worker #2: Well, you sort the broken and unbroken ones.
Worker #1: ... Broken isn't a shape.

Monsanto break room
Waterman, Illinois

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With Lettuce?

New male employee: You shouldn't open the lettuce like that.
Old female employee: Don't tell me how to do my fucking job!
Manager, yelling from across store: Watch out! She'll cut you!

Jimmy John's
Charleston, Illinois

Overheard by: I just want my sandwich

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And I Said, "I Can Do This without a Woman!"

Sleazy white employee: Yeah, man, black girls know how to work it.
Black employee: Uh-huh.
Sleazy white employee, whispering: Yo, man, I was doin' one one time, though, and I was about to go on her chest and she was like, 'Nuh-uh,' and pointed it at me and it went on my chest!

EB Games
Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: works downstairs

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What an Extroverted Engineer Looks Like

Engineer #1: What's the deal with you and your two friends? What do you need two for?
Engineer #2: Hey! I like my friends! Both of them.

Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com

Overheard by: charlie

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Unless She Shares Her Legal Pot

Dutch employee: Well, I don't like your American style and I don't like your American way, and I don't want to speak English anymore [walks off].
American chick, to colleagues: Keep that bitch away from me or she's dead.

Major bank
Amsterdam
Netherlands

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He Got Her So Dirty!

Ebullient coworker on phone: The last thing I saw of Jane* was a nude picture of her taking a bath. It's her dad's fault.

Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com

Overheard by: sxoidmal

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Meet the Creators of the Rice-Cake Meatloaf

Employee #1: Do you know what the problem is with rice cakes?
Employee #2: What?
Employee #1: There's no meat in them.

Super Target
Virginia

Overheard by: Brian

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That's Where They Belong

Female airport screener to male coworker: I swear I've only ever touched one in a bag!

Long Beach, California

Overheard by: Evil Penguin

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Further Proof of the "Many Worlds" Quantum Interpretation

Gas station worker #1, pointing to arm: ... And right here is where I got stabbed.
Gas station worker #2: No way! That's the exact same place I got stabbed! Same arm, too!

Pittsford, New York

Overheard by: Rook

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He Would, Too, If It Wasn't Attached

Bellhop #1: Oops... Almost forgot to bring my blueberry and honey-flavored tea!
Bellhop #2: Don't forget your vagina.

The Cliff House
Manitou Springs, Colorado

Overheard by: AR

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So I'm Almost Always Sore, N-4

Bingo number caller: I pick up lots of chicks, G-56. But when I don't, I masturbate, B-8.

Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com

Overheard by: bingo player

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By the Way, Sorry about Scaring Your Daughter Like That

Bathroom-bound tech woman: Are you following me? Not that many people follow me at my age.
Tech guy: No. I'm more of the 'call-is-coming-from-inside-the-house' kind of guy.

Shout-out: overheardinphilly.blogspot.com

Overheard by: 2catchapredator

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Four Legs: Good. George Clooney's Acting: Baaad.

MBA guy: Did you see that George Clooney's pig died?
MBA gal: I'll be his pig if he wants. Oink, oink!

Shout-out: overheardatkmc.blogspot.com

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Streetcar Only Works Nights

Taxi dispatcher to taxi driver: You don't have to say, 'Taxi 41 calling.' I know you're a taxi. You're not the streetcar named Desire.

Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Thanks for clearing that up

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Now, Here Are the Answers for Tomorrow's Ethics Test

Person #1: But isn't that lying?
Person #2: Don't worry about it, it's only for your security clearance.

Shout-out: www.overheardquote.com

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And He's Not Getting Out 'Til He Learns the Combo

Male coworker: So, wassup?! You holding down the third trimester? You got that thang on lock?!
Preggers coworker: Hell yeah!

Oakland, California
Shout-out: community.livejournal.com

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It Didn't Fit

Man on phone: Where's Joey? [To someone at the table] Where's Joey? [Into phone] He's in the bathroom trying on a dress.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: bananna lee fishbones

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

'I Believe You Have My Stapler,' He'll Say

National Science Foundation lady #1: He said my behavior was willful professional misconduct.
National Science Foundation lady #2: And then what?
National Science Foundation lady #1: I told him to suck my fat black dick.
National Science Foundation lady #2: Creative. What'd he say to that?
National Science Foundation lady #1: He was real calm. He said, A) my comment was vulgar, rude, and highly unprofessional, and B) completely illogical.
National Science Foundation lady #2: Well, he's got a point, yeah.
National Science Foundation lady #1: If he says another word to me, I'm gonna bust him with a stapler...

Food court, Ballston Mall
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?