Ask Kevin Bacon

Concerned-looking boyfriend: Yes, but it might not be kosher.
Indifferent Londoner girlfriend: I don't think it's an issue.
Concerned-looking boyfriend: I dunno... If I eat pork... And you suck me off... Does that mean my cum is non-kosher?
Indifferent Londoner girlfriend: Sweetie, I told you, I'm Jewish, but when it comes to jizz I just don't care.

Leamington Spa
England

Overheard by: Bleep

...While You're Working As a Mall Santa.

Husband: I'm good at finding little kids' panties.
Wife: That's not a quality that you should announce.

Jersey City, New Jersey

...The Prince Of Dullness

Wife to husband who has been chatting with stranger: Who was that?
Husband: Remember those Dos Equis commercials with the most interesting man in the world?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: That was his antithesis.

Northern Michigan

Overheard by: Kaptain Equinox

Or to Have Palin As Our Number Two

Boyfriend to girlfriend: It is my sole wish not to have to go number two tonight.

Obama Rally
Chicago, Illinois

If Lifetime Were a Channel for Men

Girl: Oh my gosh, Brian* went off with the sexual predator dude!
Couple, in unison: Bro rape!

Syracuse University
Syracuse, New York

It's the Gateway Drug for Straight Porn

Boyfriend #1: If I go home and find one piece of tranny porn on my computer, I am going to melt all your chocolate-covered pistachios and pour the chocolate down the toilet. I don't know what I'm going to do with the nuts... probably freeze them. I don't know...
Boyfriend #2: That is seriously life-ruining shit. Like a PSA on how tranny porn ruins lives.

Mountain View, California

Overheard by: Koora

If Men Had to Wear Thongs.

Man in fancy shirt: Oh, my butt's been hurting.
Girlfriend: Why does it hurt?
Man in fancy shirt: There's been something pokin' me all day.

Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: Brilicia

Nor Am I a Female Gang Member on Law & Order

20-something boyfriend: What's it called when girls put brown around their lips?
20-something girlfriend: Lip liner?
20-something boyfriend: Yeah. Why don't you wear that?
20-something girlfriend: Because it's not 1995, and I'm not going on the Ricki Lake show.

Manhattan, New York

Translation: ...Until After We Have Sex

Slightly austistic girl to slightly austistic boyfriend: I just don't want our relationship to be dysfunctional...
Slightly austistic boyfriend: No! No! It won't...

School Bus

Alanis Morissette Should Really Move on With Her Life

Angry girl shouting to her boyfriend hysterically: I can't believe you're ditching me, you will never, never, never find a girl like me in your entire fucking life again!
Boyfriend: That is the point.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Tadashi

Well You're the One Who Said The Cheetah Club Was Out!

Girlfriend: No, tell me, I do wanna know where you want our wedding!
Boyfriend: Funplex.
Girlfriend: You want our wedding at Funplex?
Passerby: Oh, shit!

Jersey City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Walking by

...So Just Let Me Trim the Ellen Haircut Already!

Annoyed teenage boy to girlfriend: You've got to understand that I'm never going to be Justin Bieber!

London
England

Overheard by: KK

The Sassy New Rap Song by Gloria Steinem

Old redneck to wife: I don't need no damn misogynist. I done tried that, and it didn't help.

Greenville, South Carolina

...Oh Wait, That's Just My Blackberry.

Girlfriend to boyfriend who is trying hard not to look at a hot girl dancing sexily: Don't worry baby, I'm getting the erection for you.

Manhattan, New York

Still Think You Miss Your 20s?

Girlfriend: That's your last drink tonight.
Boyfriend: What? Why?
Girlfriend: Why? Because I don't want to fuck a limp dick and then deal with you shitting yourself again. That's why.

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Deedle

Edna and Paul's Relationship Begins to Flounder

Husband to wife: I've been married to you for 35 years and I still don't understand your thought process on trout.

Florence, Kentucky

Aww, Who's My Little Dribbler?

Wife to husband while watching the news: Oh my god! Hahahaha, did you hear what they just said?
Husband: About how that guy "took it on the chin"?
Wife: Yeah, I can't believe they said that on the news!
Husband: I don't think that means what you think it means.
Wife: Oh.

Toronto
Canadia

...Whilst I Watch, Eating This Popcorn.

Girl, carrying armloads of stuff: I don't have a free hand to lock the door with.
Boyfriend, in most sketch-ass tone imaginable: Use your mouth.

Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: Hazzenkockle

So It's Not "Hotel for Dogs"?

Husband: What's the greatest story ever told, then?
Wife: Hansel and Gretel!

Los Angeles, California

Even the Air at Whole Foods Is Rich in Fiber

Wife to husband: You're back already? That was the quickest poop you've ever done!

Whole Foods
Alexandria, Virginia

Now Would You Mind Shutting Up and Blowing Me?

Guy: I don't have a favorite person. (pause, then begrudgingly) Well, I guess my favorite person is her... (points at girlfriend)
Girlfriend, unenthusiastically: Well, gee.

Park Tavern
Jersey City, New Jersey

To Be Fair, This Is a Common Theme.

Blonde wife: You do realize that our son is going to tell his schoolmates that Jesus is either a zombie or a vampire. Then we are going to have to explain to his teacher that we are Jewish.
Asian husband: And that you are just bad at explaining things?

Houston, Texas

You Always Know Just What to Say.

Boyfriend, quietly to girlfriend: You put the lime in the coconut, and dunk your balls in.

Dupont Circle
Washington, DC

First Of All, It's Totally Disgusting That He Rode a Niña

Wife: Are you sure your office isn't closed for Columbus Day?
Husband: No, we could opt to take it off rather than the Friday after Thanksgiving.
Wife: Oh, that would be dumb.
Husband: Yeah. Besides, I think Columbus was kind of an a-hole.

Nashville, Tennessee

...It's Medicinal!

Loud boyfriend: Where's the rest of it? You only needed five dollars for the hat. Where's the change?
Loud girlfriend: Give it a rest, Tommy. Okay, I gave you your change.
Loud boyfriend: You know, we need the fifteen dollars for the hotel, and I need hair gel.

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Pbritches

Just As Long As It's Hot, Steamy Coffee, Okay?

20-something girl, skipping over to expensive jewelery shop window: Ooooh! Sparkly things!
20-something guy: Fuck.
20-something girl, eyes shining with delight: Oh... Look at the rings... They're beautiful! (sighs)
20-something guy: No.
20-something girl: Look at that one! It's cheap!
20-something guy: It's £450!
20-something girl: You just got paid! Oh, look! That one's even prettier and sparklier!
20-something guy: Granted... But there's also no price tag... So it's probably gonna be £1,000 at least.
20-something girl, resignedly: Yeah. (perks up) But you're my friend... (pleading voice) Buy me a ring... Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssse!
20-something guy: Look, for a £1,000 ring I'm going to expect at least a couple of shags.
20-something girl: True. Oh, well. Let's go get coffee. (skips off)

Burlington Arcade
London
England

Overheard by: Bleep

Mr. Duchovny's Voicemail Fills Up Fast

Teenage girl on cell: David, I fucked you last night. The least you could do is give me a ride to Taco Bell.

St. Louis, Missouri

Pop Quiz: Calculate the Odds It Will Actually Be Fine

Guy to girl in motel breakfast room: Fine! You want to fuck, then let's fuck!

Seattle, Washington

...Can You Hear Me Now??

Man, hitting himself in the head with cell phone: I'm not giving you your fuckin' phone back until you fuckin' go to your fuckin' psychiatrist and take your fuckin' pills!
Woman: Give me my phone.
Man: I'll smash your phone on my head!
Woman: Give me my phone!
Man: Go to your fuckin' psychiatrist! Get your fuckin' pills!

Toronto
Canadia

When a Marriage Unravels, Both Spouses Know

Girl: I had a dream you died, and I woke up crying.
Guy: I woke up screaming, but that's because I dreamed I was being chased by aliens.

Bellingham, Washington

And Here I Thought I Was Granting a Favor

Man: Who doesn't love a blowjob!?
Woman: The woman on her knees with a dick in her mouth.
Man: Huh? Really?
Woman: Duhhh!

Manhattan, New York

No More Decisions for You, My Pet

Smoking man in expensive suit to smoking woman in expensive dress: And then, either way, you're a zombie. Right?

Toronto
Canadia

Aww, There You Go Again!

Guy to girl making a sound of discontentment: What was that? It was kinda cute. Do it again!
Girl: You think my discontentment is cute?!

Jersey City, New Jersey

I Took Pictures and Visited the Gift Shop!

Girl: You fucked my vagina twice this weekend!
Guy, exasperated: You don't have to tell me! I was there!

Jersey City, New Jersey

To Errol Is Human. My Dick: Divine.

Greek girlfriend: She misses you baby.
English boyfriend: Hm?
Greek girlfriend: She misses you.
English boyfriend: Who misses me?
Greek girlfriend: Helena.
English boyfriend: Who's Helena?
Greek girlfriend: My vagina, baby.
Indian guy at table: You named your snatch Helena?! Really? You named your vagina?
Greek girlfriend: Sure, don't you have a name for your dick?
Indian guy and English boyfriend, at same time: No.
Greek girlfriend: I've always thought of your dick as being called Errol, baby.

Leamington Spa
England

Overheard by: Bleep

Stacy London Was a Challenging Kid to Raise

Woman to husband: Honey, do you think this would be a good fall coat for me?
Five-year-old daughter: It looks like an old-fashioned coat.
Woman: I knew you were gonna say that!
Five-year-old: A young lady like you shouldn't wear such an old-fashioned coat!

Target
Allen Park, Michigan

Most Girls Fear Being Gaynablers

Young boyfriend, trying to weasel out of seeing Legally Blonde 2: I... I just don't think I'm emotionally ready for the uncut version. Do you think I'm ready? I don't.
Young girlfriend: You should have pulled the "it might make me gay" card.
Friend: I think his way was more gay.
Young girlfriend: Which concerns me...

Scotrun, New York

I Thought Guys Liked Talking About Wood?

Pretty girl to boyfriend: I don't know if I have too many toothpicks, or not enough.
Boyfriend: So this is where the crazy starts?

Grocery Store
Havelock, North Carolina

Better Than Being Spineless, I Guess.

Peasant husband in bookshop, holding up book: Hey, look at this!
Peasant wife: That's the problem with books, they make you do things.

Leamington Spa
England

Overheard by: Bleep

Let Sleeping Girls Lie, Dude

Boyfriend: Hun.
Girlfriend, just waking up: Mmm?
Boyfriend, hugging her: Mine.
Girlfriend: Mmm-hmm.
Boyfriend: Am I gonna have to become an organist to understand you?
Girlfriend: Hmmm?
Boyfriend: You know, so I can understand your pitches and stuff.
Girlfriend, lower pitched: Mmmm.
Boyfriend: See? Like that!

Jersey City, New Jersey

Do You Have to Say That About Everything?

Girlfriend: Those sculptures over there look nice.
Boyfriend: Baby, I think they're vaginas.

Norman, Oklahoma

Exactly.

20-something girlfriend, pointing at "exit only--do not enter" sign: I should tattoo that on my butt.
20-something boyfriend: But then you would be single.

Lincoln Park
Chicago, Illinois

Not During?

Incredibly drunk sorority girl to boyfriend: Sweetie, can we throw up before we do it tonight?

UBC
Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: The only sober guy on the bus

Straight Guys See Women's Clothes Solely in Terms Of What They Cover

Annoyed wife trying on unattractive skirt: So what do you think?
Husband, with baby: It looks nice.
Annoyed wife, returning to dressing room: What do you know?
Husband to baby: Son, you have no chance.

Old Navy
South Carolina

Overheard by: Kempii

Goodness, Just Look at the Time!

Tanorexic blonde on date: So basically the fucking doctor told me that my cervix is fucked up.
Uncomfortable-looking date: Right...
Tanorexic blonde on date: Yeah. Cunt told me that it'd be like pushing a baby through a toothpaste tube. I gotta go get it widened or some shit like that. Or that thing where they cut you open...
Uncomfortable-looking date: A caesarian?
Tanorexic blonde on date: Yeah. That's it. Baby kebab.

Leamington Spa
England

And Apparently You're Not the Only One Who Wants to Know

Tall girlfriend: Where did Batman go to college?
Tall boyfriend: That may be the best question ever asked.

Target
Milford, Connecticut

...What's Next-- You Gonna Audit Me?

Drunk girl stumbling outside bar, dropping purse and chasing after boyfriend: You are the ruiner of fun.

Provincetown, Massachusetts

It Was the Best Birthday Present Ever!

Man to wife: There were monkeys all over the pile of stuff in the guest room!

Street Fair
San Francisco, California

The High Point Of an All-Cat Theme Park

Boyfriend: Wait! Imagine... zip-lines for cats.
Girlfriend: Yes!

Stevens Point, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Hannah

I Also Don't Believe in the Existence Of John and Kate

Suspicious wife: Hey, didn't you tell me that mermaids don't really exist?
Husband: Yes. And I stand by that.
Suspicious wife: Then how cone they had a show on TLC called Mermaid Girl and it was all about a girl who was a real mermaid?
Husband: They aren't talking about the kind of mermaid that you're thinking of! It's probably just a girl with her legs fused together or something. The mermaids you're thinking of don't exist and they never have!
Suspicious wife: They exist. You lied to me!

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Momo

Ireland: Encapsulated.

20-something boyfriend with arm around girlfriend: God, we've saved a fortune not buying condoms recently.
Girlfriend: Yeah, a few more years of this and a baby will have paid for itself!

Cork
Ireland

...I'm Saving That for Marriage.

Girlfriend: Ugh, I can't think about hot dogs or sausages when I eat them. I can't bare to think what body parts I'm eating.
Boyfriend: Oh, hush. Look at what else you eat.
Girlfriend: I know, but I like you! And I wouldn't eat your arm!

Jersey City, New Jersey

As Seen in Drilling Miss Daisy

Girl, flabbergasted: Everyone's birthday is in March?
Boyfriend: Yeah. My grandma's birthday is in June. It's the only time she really has sex. It's her birthday present.

Jersey City, New Jersey

At Some Point, One Gets Full Of TV

Middle-aged woman: What's on TV tonight?
Middle-aged man: I think Chuck is.
Middle-aged woman: Oh, do we watch that?
Middle-aged man: I don't know.

Boone, North Carolina

...And What Do You Mean by "Had"?

Wife: Oh, my cousin Danielle just had her baby!
Husband: You have a cousin Danielle?

Mount Vernon, New York

Some Girls Need Extra Nuts on Their Hot Fudge Sundae

Girl to boyfriend: By the way, I'm cheating on you.

Edwardsville, Illinois

Overheard by: M

Even Circumcising Them Is Dicey

Man to wife: The only reason it's an aphrodisiac is because it takes huge balls to cut the penis off a tiger.

Burough Market
London
England

Overheard by: Justyn Egert

Everybody's Dated a Mustache Girl-- Just Not Publicly

Boyfriend: Baby, you have to shave that mustache.
Girlfriend: Shut up! I keep telling you I'm getting it waxed.

New Jersey

Overheard by: Rebecca

They're As Thick-Skinned and Adorable As Kardashians

Girlfriend to boyfriend: What I want to know is why the hell people haven't domesticated the rhino yet!

Royal Ontario Museum
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Surprised

"Thou Shalt Not Gelati," It Says

Wife in line at water ice stand: I want a gelati!
Husband: They don't have any gelati. What do you want?
Wife: I want a gelati!
Husband: But they don't have any gelati!
Wife, pointing to menu, where it says gelati: What's this?
Husband: Rules.

Ambler, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Gracie

Why Men Die Before Women: Explained

Angry boyfriend: I'm not off gallivanting around town!
Girlfriend: (indistinct mumbles)
Angry boyfriend: I don't hang out with anyone!
Girlfriend: (more mumbles)
Angry boyfriend: I'll just lie to you from now on.

Kent, Ohio

Our Sex Life Is Gaggleicious

19-year-old girlfriend: You're a silly goose!
19-year-old boyfriend: You are too!
19-year-old girlfriend: That's why we are dating!

Memphis, Tennessee

Or High School Guidance Counselor.

Blonde girl to boyfriend: I think I'd make a good drug addict.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: uhh

If You Make Us Sleep in Wood-shavings Again

Guy to girlfriend: Next break I'm going to hug you like a retard squeezing a hamster!

Burnaby
Canadia

Overheard by: Doesn't Like Hamsters Anyway

But I Still Have That Restraining Order Against the Koosh Kins

Man to wife: You can bring the Beanie Babies if you really want.

Brighton
England

Overheard by: Randy

Now I Smell Like Paris Hilton!

Girlfriend to boyfriend, after emerging from bathroom: Hahaha! I peed on my hands!

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: that's disgusting. Really.

Every Political Marriage, Encapsulated.

Boyfriend: Remember when you used to love me?
Girlfriend: Yeah...
Boyfriend: That was nice.

Mall
Biloxi, Mississippi

Overheard by: good times

I Used to Let You Be on Top, Too

Wife to husband bagging groceries: Make sure you don't squish my bread.
Husband: You used to like it when I did that!

Waukesha, Wisconsin

And I Just Took a Tab Of E=mc²

Girlfriend: I'm gonna grab a beer, you want anything?
Boyfriend: Uhhh, not now. I've got to be a penny-pincher.
Girlfriend, laughing at own comment: Maybe you ought to pinch it so hard it turns into a dollar.
Boyfriend: That's stupid. That doesn't make sense. How would that even happen?
Girlfriend, indignant: I don't know! I'm a physicist, not a scientist!

Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: Feynman

The Difference Between Long-term and Short-term Thinking, Encapsulated

Girlfriend: How would you feel if I told you I was pregnant?
Boyfriend: Are you pregnant? Because if you are, I'm cumin' in you.

Indianapolis, Indiana

But It'll Ruin That Perfectly Good Wii Controller

Annoyed guy walking with his girlfriend: Whatever... We can do it anally tonight if you want.

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Ian

Reader Survey: What's Going on Here?

Man, chasing girlfriend after party was busted: Bitch, where is my money? Bitch! Where is my money?
Girlfriend: You can't go to jail again, get in my trunk!

Bloomington, Indiana

Like We Did to That Little Make-a-Wish Girl

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Yeah, I'd throw a snowball at the Princess of Sweden. Knock that tiara right off her fucking head.
Girlfriend: Totally. You'd be like, "who's Princess now, bitch?"

Vancouver
Canadia

...So, No-- I'd Just Cheat on You with One.

Girlfriend: Would you ever date a playboy bunny?
Boyfriend, after long pause: I feel like this is a trap.

UMass Dorm
Amherst, Massachusetts

Check Your Calendar and Get Back to Me

Woman to husband: Can you run me over on Saturday?

Train
Sydney
Australia

Wish I Was a Sociopath Like My Dad

Drunk guy to girlfriend: I care about you a lot. It sucks.

Park Tavern
Jersey City, New Jersey

You're That Guy Every Day.

Girlfriend: I'm gonna get a black wig and a skirt, and I'm putting body-glitter on you and doing your hair like you're in 90210 and you're going as Edward. It'll be like ironic.
Boyfriend: I'm gonna put some mayonnaise on my pants and go as that "jizzed in my pants" guy.
Girlfriend: No, you're not.

Gainesville, Florida

The Five-Second Rule Absolutely Applies to Boobs

Girl on birth control: I think my boobs grew!
Friend, grabbing her boob: Really?!
Girl's boyfriend, slapping friend's hand away: Hey, hey, too long!

Jersey City, New Jersey

Now Explain Why You're Defecating on That Statue

Boyfriend on train: I always wanted to be a pigeon.
Incredulous girlfriend: What?
Boyfriend: Oh shit, I just thought that out loud.

Melbourne
Australia

This Would Explain a Lot About Our Foreign Policy

Boyfriend: I couldn't get a new movie. The good ones were all out. I got this other one, though. The guy told me it was really good.
Girlfriend: What's the name of it?
Boyfriend: Just Cuz!
Girlfriend, looking at jacket: You mean Just Cause?

Norwich, Connecticut

Bambi Was a Boy!

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Honey, don't you think I've got Bambi eyes?
Boyfriend: No!
Girlfriend: A lot of people think so.
Boyfriend: You don't have Bambi eyes.

Denmark

The Kind Of Scandinavian Thinking That Produced Ikea

Girlfriend to boyfriend: I did the most useless thing today. I stuck something into another thing and pretended it had feet.

Trondheim
Norway

Overheard by: Knowbuddy

...Yada Yada Yada, E. Coli.

Guy to girlfriend: I thought it would be funny to eat an O'Henry while pooing.

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Alywishus

Only If You Leave Your Driver's License As Collateral

Goth guy to goth girlfriend: Can I borrow your blood?

Rochester
England

Overheard by: Bewildered Techie

...Guess I Have to Unbutton My Pants Now, Huh?

Boyfriend: You ask too many questions! For every question you ask, you have to give me a blowjob!
Girlfriend, happily: Okay!
Boyfriend: Damn it!

Jersey City, New Jersey

Are You Pregnant?

Girlfriend: You still have Jack Daniels in my fridge! All nice and frozen. Well, it's not frozen because alcohol has a high freezing point, but it's been in there for months so it's as "frozen" as it's gonna get, well, not really because...
Stressed-out boyfriend: Woman! Too many words in that sentence!

Saint Peter's College
New Jersey

I Hate This Country and Its Degenerate Cinema!

Frustrated man with heavy Arabic accent to wife: I got the most chicky-flick movies I could find!

Supermarket
Connecticut

Or the Bomb on This Bus Will Explode!

Girl to boyfriend: Hold on, sweetie, I need to give my sister a call.
Boyfriend: No. I can't stop making out with you.

Cherry Hill, New Jersey

With His Seductive Banjo Music?

Hispanic girlfriend: Why the hell do you get Cesar Chavez Day off of work? Do you even know who Cesar Chavez is?
White boyfriend: Didn't he drive the snakes out of Mexico?

Orange County, California

Overheard by: Hispanic girlfriend

No Licking Above the Waist!

Girlfriend: Hold my hand, Eric. Please.
Boyfriend, yelling: No! Just stop it, okay?
Girlfriend: Come on. Just hold my hand.
Boyfriend: No! I'm not doing that again.
Girlfriend, laughing: Aw, why not?
Boyfriend: Because last time you licked my face!

Lawrenceville, New Jersey

Overheard by: Jake

Um, I Named the Breast "Sketchy Bastard"

Guy to girlfriend after late-night party: You name a breast after me, but you don't trust me?

West End
Portland, Maine

Propelled by Airbrush, Like a Playboy Bunny

American tourist to girlfriend: No, it's a special species of blue rabbit that can survive in space.
Girlfriend: Wow!

Kaaba Cafe
Prague
Czech Republic

The Little Pig Is Self-Conscious About Her Chinny Chin Chin

Girlfriend: I have to shave every single day.
Boyfriend: Oh, yeah?
Girlfriend: Yeah... do I have any hairs sticking out on my chin right now?

Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com

Overheard by: Ian

I Think I've Heard This Country Song...

Guy to girlfriend: If I go to jail for you, you better get your tits done.

Viewmont Mall
Dickson City, Pennsylvania

Probably Pregnant With Rain

Husband, while driving: Wow, look at those cool clouds over there.
Wife: Where? Oh, those, the one that looks like it is going up?
Husband: Yeah.
Wife, after long pause: That one looks like a uterus.

Michigan

Overheard by: T

I Could Always Force You to Sit through The Bucket List Again

Pretty blonde snuggling with Asian boyfriend: Honey, I'm sorry I was so crazy earlier.
Asian boyfriend: It's okay, sweetie, but I am going to have to punish you when we get home.
Pretty blonde, smiling: A spanking?
Asian boyfriend, kissing her forehead: Whatever you want, sweetie.

Las Vegas, Nevada

Out Of What?

Middle-aged woman shopping with husband: If we weren't so old, I would say "let's go into the parking lot and make a baby."

Target
Hackensack, New Jersey

Guys Find Eating Disorders Profoundly Unattractive

Cute boyfriend to girlfriend: I am so glad you eat!

Washington, DC

Portland Boasts a Rich Frottage Subculture

Boyfriend: Ow! Stop twisting my mole.
Girlfriend, singing quietly to herself: Looking for rub in all the wrong places.

MAX Train
Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: Amy Achterman

It's All the Hair in Their Ears.

Husband, reading aloud from newspaper: Honey, did you know that women use an average of 30,000 words a day, while men only use 15,000?
Wife: That's probably because we have repeat everything to men.
Husband: What?

Australia

Overheard by: Mikyla

Well, I'm Sorry I Made You Kiss Her Feet...

New Yorker, on cell to fiancée: Honey, all set here for our wedding, when you coming over? I got both of our rings, in nine-carat gold! (appalled silence in carriage) Yeah, your finger's gonna go green and fall off or something? What the hell's wrong with nine-carat gold? Hey! Of course I love you more than I love my mom! Come on! What is this about?

Train
Dublin
Ireland

More Important Than You Knew

Brazilian guy to American: Pleeeeeaaase? Say it. Say it. Say "fucker de matriz" in English.
Brazilian girlfriend: He wants you to say (whispers) "motherfucker".
American guy: Okay. (blandly) Motherfucker.
Brazilian guy: No! Like an American, please!
American guy: Huh? Oh, "muthafucka!"
Brazilian guy, laughing giddily and clapping: Yes! Yes! Muthafucka, excellent!

ViaRail Train
Canadia

Overheard by: Jim

Let the Nitpicking Begin!

Guy to girlfriend: You know, I got the crabs.
Girlfriend: Emm... okay.
Guy: Guess what?
Girlfriend: What?
Guy: You got 'em too, stupid!

San Francisco, California

Not Even by New Jersey Standards?

Guy, tenderly hugging girlfriend: You're right, you're not worthy.

Red Bank, New Jersey

That's Obviously the Isaiah Washington Memorial

Middle-aged wife: Oh, honey, look! It's the George Jefferson memorial.
Middle-aged husband: Seriously. You are such an idiot.

eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Hugh Grant Sparkles in Four Curries and a Ridicule

Man to patiently smiling girlfriend: Well...uh...I make quite a *mean* tuna fish curry. Uh...*or* a sardine curry. Uh...and have been *ridiculed* for it.

Clifton
Bristol
England

Overheard by: Sarah

And the Local Deer Keep Trying to French-Kiss Me

100-pound, totally fit wife: I am pretty sure I have elevated sodium levels.
Husband: Your sodium levels are fine, honey.
100-pound, totally fit wife: No, I really think they are high enough to put me in the at-risk category.
Husband: What are you basing that on, exactly?
100-pound, totally fit wife: My tongue feels oversalted.

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: kingdubby

So This Better Be at Least Three Karats.

(drunk boy pulls out diamond ring and offers it to drunk girl)
Drunk girl: Fuck you, Tim! You fell asleep at dinner!

London
England

Overheard by: Tequila Sally

No Matter Where I Take You, You're Still You

Tourist, yelling at husband who went to magazine kiosk : Get the magazine! Not the paper! Magazine! (husband comes back with paper) *Sigh* Men...they're the same everywhere.

Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia

In the Recurrent Nightmare Of Christianity

Girl, at beginning of Jesus Christ Superstar: Are they going to kill Jesus?
Boyfriend: Well...yes, Sarah. That's sort of how it works.

Jersey City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

The Difference Between Quality and Quantity Eludes Many Americans

Pouting newlywed wife: I feel like we don't spend enough time together.
Seething newlywed husband: (grinds teeth)
Pouting newlywed wife: Enough quality time.
Seething newlywed husband: (remains silent)
Pouting newlywed wife: Would you like me to tell you what quality time is?
Seething newlywed husband: (about to speak, thinks better of it)
Pouting newlywed wife: 23 hours a day.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: good, that leaves one hour for him to think of a response

Once He Walks Through JoAnn's Door, a Man Starts to Die

Girlfriend, holding up scrapbook thing: Do you like this?
Boyfriend: Yeah, it's nice.
Girlfriend: "It's nice," because it's nice, or "it's nice," so we can get the fuck out of here?

JoAnn Fabrics and Crafts
Tacoma, Washington

Overheard by: baker98391

Imagine That.

Smokin' hot Filipina girlfriend: My friend said that I should use Photoshop and imagination to do this. I have Photoshop, but where can I get imagination? I've never heard of it.
White boyfriend: You're kidding me, right?
Smokin' hot Filipina girlfriend: What?
White boyfriend: There is no software called "imagination." Just use your imagination. Duh!
Smokin' hot Filipina girlfriend: You're so not getting a blowjob tonight.

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: The white boyfriend

And Then People Will Comprehendify You.

Husband: Yeah, I think that's because of the...the...
Wife: The what? Spit it out!
Husband: I know, I've been having so much trouble lately coming up with the appropriate word for what I'm trying to say.
Wife: Yeah, that's your problem. You just need to be able to think of what you need to say in advance so you can articulize it.

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: King Dubby

Their Humps Are Actually Human Skulls

Boyfriend looking at stone sculpture of camel: Yo, what do camels eat?
Girlfriend: Camels eat people.
Boyfriend: I think they eat grass.
Girlfriend: No. Camels eat people.
Boyfriend, turning to passersby: Excuse me, what do camels eat?
Passerby #1: Uhh...I think they eat plants.
Girlfriend: No! Camels eat people!
Passerby #2: But, look, they don't have any claws or fangs. They can't eat people.
Passerby #1, disgusted: They eat plants.
Girlfriend, scoffing: There's no plants in the desert! That's why they eat people. Camels eat people!

Royal Ontario Museum
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Camels should eat some people...

Translation: Sex With You Isn't Worth the Annoyance Of Your Company

Emo chick: So then she glared at me. In a mean way, not a happy way.
Normal looking boyfriend: I don't think that word means what you think it means.
Emo chick: Huh?
Normal looking boyfriend: You know, I just don't think this is going to work out.
Emo chick: Wait. You're breaking up with me? Here? Why?
Normal looking boyfriend: Well, I wasn't planning on it, but honey, you didn't like Watchmen and you've never read or seen The Princess Bride. Clearly we're just two very different people.

Flagstaff, Arizona

Overheard by: nayvera

As Seen in Douching Miss Daisy

Greenpeace activist to couple walking out of grocery store: Are you guys concerned about our environment?
Elderly couple: Definitely! We recycle, and we take showers together!

Mothers Market
Costa Mesa, California

Overheard by: arie

...Even Though It's Shaped Like St. Peter?

Girlfriend, excited: I know exactly what I'm going to get you for your birthday this year.
Boyfriend: Oh yeah? I know exactly what I am going to get you for your birthday.
Girlfriend: Really? Are you going to get that thing cut off your back?

Cafe
Sydney
Australia

The Real World's Sadly Lacking in Noble Causes Worth Fighting for

20-something girl to boyfriend: You're such a nerd.
Boyfriend: We prefer "Men of Gondor."

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Corey

Clearly You've Never Been to Wellesley

Boyfriend: What, forty dollars for a bra?!
Girlfriend: That's quite cheap for one.
Boyfriend: I'm glad I'm not a girl.
Girlfriend: Me too.
Boyfriend: Why's that?
Girlfriend: Because you'd be the dirtiest girl I know.

Farmers
Masterton
New Zealand

...by Color

Earnest fellow: And then I watched Scrubs, and then I watched Blade Runner, the movie. And then guess what I did?
Girlfriend: What?
Earnest fellow (proudly): I organized my receipts.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: the girls by the elevator.

Can I Still Have My Period on Your Face?

Girlfriend to boyfriend: So should I stop peeing in front of you ?
Boyfriend to girlfriend: No, I don't mind. I don't care...just don't let me see you poop, that's just too fucking weird.

Michigan

Overheard by: da da

To Avoid Shopping Tantrums, See That Your Husband Is Properly Fed and Watered

Husband trying on sandals: There's too much bullshit. What is all this bullshit on here?
Wife: I don't know...there's a lot of stuff.
Husband: It's too much bullshit. I'm not paying for all this bullshit.

Leesburg Corner Outlet Mall
Leesburg, Virginia

Overheard by: Nat

Like the Dirty Little Republican You Are

(attractive couple are making out against a car. The girl's phone goes off.).
Girl: Hello? Hey, mom. No, I'm still at school. Rehearsal's going to be late today. Yeah, I'll call you. Bye!
Guy: I love when you lie.

Houston, Texas

The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

20-something guy that obviously just woke up: So, do you think we'll have enough money to apply for college later today?
20-something girlfriend, also still bed-headed and yawning: Are you kidding me? It's 5 am and we're stoned. We'll talk about this later.

Bus
Dallas, Texas

Now He'll Turn This Into a Song and Record It in Eight Languages

Woman (talking on the phone about a friend): She's happy as a clam since she had her uterus removed...
Husband (in the background): Happy as a clam without a uterus.
Woman: (glaring at him, keeps talking)
Husband: Happy as a clam without a uterus!

Dresden, New York

Overheard by: Rachel Bz.

Let's See If She'll Be Trying with You After This

Cute chick in line: Oh! I want Haribo gummi bears! I need a snack to study effectively. There are lots of things I don't do effectively without snacking.
Boyfriend: Maybe you should try snacking next time we have sex. You know, maybe a little popcorn...a candy bar...
Cute chick: Are you saying my sex isn't effective? Well, maybe there won't be a next time.
Boyfriend: You know, you're not responding very well to constructive criticism. The solution is to keep trying, not to give up.

CVS
University City, Philadelphia

Overheard by: justtryingtowaitinline

Two Great Tastes That Taste HorribleTogether

Seventeen-year-old girl to boyfriend: You can't do anything right! I send you in there to buy me some porn and you come out with hermaphrodites? It's called Real Chicks with Real Dicks, for fuck's sake.
Boyfriend (in thick accent): I'm sorry... My english...it is not too good. I saw chicks, I saw dicks...I just grabbed it.

Manchester, New Hampshire

Overheard by: taylor

Might Even Trump the Popularity of Pregnant or Fat?

Black guy: You keep hearing about how racist Britain's getting, it's pretty scary.
White girlfriend: Oh, totally. I think that before anyone in that country over 40 is allowed to make a public statement they should take a test that's like "is this quaint, or just racist?" and if they fail they shouldn't be allowed to say anything.
Black guy: That would be an awesome game show.

Calgary
Alberta
Canadia

Hard to Imagine You Two Have Time to Read

(40-something man was hitting on young clerk when his wife comes up)
Man: I honestly think man wasn't meant to be faithful. We're all so sexual.
Wife: Did you forget I was here?
Man: I'll be in the car in a second.
(she leaves store)
Man, after looking back at clerk: Please. She loves getting pimped out to my friends.

Bookstore
Ocala, Florida

Do I Question the Priest in Church?

Husband: How can women spend so much money on purses?
Wife: Shhh!

Coach Store
Pennsylvania

You Promised We'd Watch Action Movies and Fuck Me in the Butt Tonight

Yuppie boyfriend (excitedly): Let's have an Ashton Kutcher movie marathon night!
Yuppie girlfriend (whispering): Honey, we've already talked about this...

Blockbuster
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Pallas

Consider Your Face Sucked

Boyfriend: If we were in person right now, I would totally suck your face right now.
Girlfriend: We *are* in person.
Boyfriend: Oh, yeah.
(they walk on casually)

Memorial City Mall
Houston, Texas

This Is the Same Girl Who Checks Out the Basement in Horror Movies

Crying girl to boyfriend: But I love you! You love me!
Boyfriend: Listen very carefully to me. I fucked her. You shouldn't have been a bitch to me about your friends. Now you can get over this and stop being a bitch and we can go get dinner and ice cream and then go home and fuck like sexy little drunk bunnies, or you can keep it up and find yourself without a boyfriend. Your call. Move on and be in love with me, or be a bitch and get dumped.
Girlfriend, still crying: I'm sorry.
Boyfriend: I know. It's okay.

Atlanta, Georgia

The Training Begins in the Womb

Drunk guy: Excuse me assholes, pregnant woman coming through.
Drunk pregnant wife: I fell down the stairs yesterday, my baby is like one of the warriors from 300.

Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: MN

The One It Was So Easy It Was a Piece Of?

Guy to girlfriend: And after that, I was just done. It took the icing on the cake...or whatever.
Girlfriend: What cake?

Aloha Highschool
Oregon

And You Thought Picking Up Girls at Funerals Was Bad

Girlfriend on packed, stopped train: I'm bored. Tell me a story.
Boyfriend: I remember the first time I saw you...you were crying...sitting outside the abortion clinic. I gave you my hankie.

Yellow Train
Washington, DC

Overheard by: entertained next to them

Well, I Suppose You're Worthy

Waitress: Can I get you something to drink?
Boyfriend: Uh yeah, a Sprite please.
Waitress: Is 7 Up okay?
Boyfriend: Uh...sure.
Waitress: And for you?
Girlfriend: Can I get a Sprite?

New Market
Canadia

Overheard by: meggler

Only Because They Found the Kiddie Pool Filled with It

Girl to boyfriend: Why'd you go and tell all the guys on the fifth floor that I have some crazy fetish with lubricating foods?
Guy: I didn't say anything!
Girl: Well, they were talking about the Nutella.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Laura G.

Religious Differences Are Best Resolved Before Marriage

Girlfriend: So, you don't believe in vampires, right?
Boyfriend: Nope.
Girlfriend: Okay, but do you believe in ghosts?
Boyfriend: No, I told you I don't believe in that stuff.
Girlfriend: But you at least believe in witches, right?
Boyfriend: No!
Girlfriend (exasperated): Now you're just being naive!

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: kingdubby

Video Might Be More Helpful

Woman to boyfriend: Get back here so I can take a picture of you lying to me!

New York City, New York

Overheard by: Trying not to spit soda from my nose

Still Think It Would Be Sad If California Fell Into the Ocean?

Bimbette in line for concert: Wait, like, when is New Year's Eve? Is it the 30th or the 31st?
Boyfriend: It's the 30th. New Year's Day is the 31st.

Chain Reaction
Anaheim, California

Overheard by: oldest person at the show

Something Like That Is Close to a Man's Heart

Girlfriend: This is your out-of-town toothpaste.
Boyfriend: So?
Girlfriend: Look how fucked up it is!
Boyfriend: Don't start talking shit about my toothpaste!

Shelby, Michigan

Professional Jello Wrestling Has Its Pratfalls, Sweetie

Girl: But I showered for you this morning!
Boyfriend: So you don't want to go?
Girl: I didn't say that, but you made me get cleaned up this morning, and now I'm just going to get dirty. You better pay my water bill, for all these showers you make me take.

Quiznos
Miami, Florida

Overheard by: Believes in no-strings-attached hygene

Yeah, So Anyway, I'm in This Hobo's Bed, So I've Gotta Go

(girl sits down on curb to talk on her phone)
Hobo: Excuse me, but that's where I sleep.
Couple walking by: It is, he was there first.

London
England

But Try Not to Speak

Large, beefy boyfriend: Wow babe, what you said was really extinct... wait, doesn't "extinct" mean dead and not here anymore? I think I mean "distinct" or something.
Nerdy girlfriend: I love you.

Georgetown University
Washington, DC

It's the Greatest Thing Since... You Know

Girlfriend: I think my butt has gotten bigger.
Boyfriend: If that's true, hallelujah. I love big booties.
Girlfriend: David*, this is serious! I think I have been doing so many squats that my butt has lifted and risen... like bread.

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: MoMo

Instead, I'll Discuss Your Pain With This Complete Stranger

Boyfriend to gas station attendant: She slept with the entire football team in high school.
Girlfriend: Maybe, but I still wouldn't have slept with you.
Boyfriend: Yeah? Really? How's your butt feel? Ha! I haven't even told my friends about that yet!

Richmond, Virginia

Enough with the Empire-Waists Already, People

Chick: Do I look pregnant in this dress?
Boyfriend: Nah, I told you. It just looks like something a pregnant person would wear.

Lakeline Mall
Austin, Texas

When Shown That They Do Exist, He Fainted

Grungy dude, pointing to expensive vacuum: You should get this one. It sucks up everything!
Girlfriend: Yeah, but I don't have much carpet. I need, like, a Broom Vac or something.
Grungy dude: A Broom Vac?! Put down the crack pipe!

Target
Baltimore, Maryland

You've Taught Him Respect

Hubby: Absolute power corrupts absolutely, dear.
Wifey: It's not absolute.
Hubby: It isn't?
Wifey: No. You're not bowing.
Cashier: Ooh, I like you.

Eau Claire, Wisconsin

Overheard by: the girl with the hat

That Was an Olsen Twin

Teenage girl: Ohmigod, guess what!
Boyfriend: What?
Teenage girl: I just ran over a possum and it humped my car!

Chattanooga, Tennessee

Especially If, Instead of the G-Spot, There Was a Little Plastic Prize

Guy: But I hate wearing condoms! I can't feel anything. I might as well put my dick in a cereal box.
Girl: I think my vagina is a bit different from a cereal box.
Dude, excitedly: If your vagina had cereal in it, I'd eat you out all the time!

Davidson, North Carolina

No Good Ever Comes of Communication

Wife: Do you like my new hairstyle?
Husband: Yep.
Wife: That's it? Just "yep"?
Husband: Looks very different. It'll be like having sex with another woman.
Wife: Asshole! Should have kept my mouth shut.
Husband: Yep.

Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

Was I Awake?

Tipsy girlfriend, playing "Never Have I Ever": Never have I ever done 69 with anyone.
Boyfriend: Ping.
Girlfriend: What?! Who did you 69?!
Boyfriend: You, fool!
Girlfriend: Oh.

Ohio University
Athens, Ohio

Overheard by: outfirst

Good Thing Pluto Didn't Hear That

Chocolate store girl: You're a dicksucker. You know that? I mean, why bother with you? You seen my ass, you know I'm good-looking. You're-.
Guy in Goofy costume, muffled: Whatever. There are other tits. I'll be just fine regardless. And just so you know [lowers voice as kids approach] you're gonna get us both fired if you keep this shit up.
Chocolate store girl, loudly: Fuck you, and fuck your fucking ass! I hope you get fired! Then you can go home and suck your asshole!
Guy in Goofy costume, losing it: Better than sucking your ex's dick when you're supposed to be working.
Chocolate store girl, stunned: Who told you that?!
Guy in Goofy costume: Jen, after I fucked her!
[Girl walks into the shop quickly and goes into back room looking like she's going to cry. Goofy goes back to wandering around aimlessly, waving to little kids.]

Disney World
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: after that, my g/f and i applied for jobs there

Translation: I'm Still a Little Stoned

Girl, frantically looking through fridge: Shit, I'm gonna be late for work... What the hell? Why is your rice in my freezer?
Boyfriend: Because then it will be happy and prosperous.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: Nic

You're My Last White Boyfriend, I'll Tell You That

Angry guy to girlfriend at an art festival: How can you be allergic to a color?

Tempe, Arizona

But It Was a Planned Incarceration

Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can't believe we are not hanging out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you're supposed to be hanging out with me. We never hang out anymore and we are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were supposed to hang out this past Saturday and Sunday but we didn't! You were not fucking there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Muthafucker you were in jail!

Bus
Iowa State University, Iowa

Overheard by: Casey

But He's Our President, So We Have to Listen

Guy in restaurant to female companion: Of course, this is coming from a guy who eats potpourri...

Central Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio

Wait, It's Fall? How Long Was I Playing That Wii?

Boyfriend, looking around suspiciously: ... It smells funny...
Girlfriend: It's the outside!

Webster City, Iowa

Overheard by: Phoebe

They Are Currently in Place

Well-dressed man to female companion, in crowded tasting room: Did you remember the dildo?
Elegant lady companion: Yes, I brought both of them.

Napa Valley wine Auction
St. Helena, California

Sometimes You Do Know What You're Missing

Little old lady to husband: I don't care how many times you've washed it or how clean it is! I've lived 60 years without my tongue making acquaintance with your asshole, and I'm not about to introduce the two of them now!

St. Louis Street
Lebanon, Illinois

Overheard by: AlternknitiveKnitter

Where to Begin?

Husband to wife showing him Greek Bible: Honey, if English is good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me.

Barnes & Noble
Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: aharon

You Probably Should Just Finish Up the Bottle

Husband: Can I have one of my pills?
Wife: Didn't you just take two a little bit ago?
Husband: Just the two you told me I took.

Frankenmuth, Michigan

Is That a Lip-Liner and EpiPen in One?

Hottie: Here ya go -- put this in your man-purse for me, please.
Indie boyfriend, indignantly: It's not a man-purse! It's a medical evac bag!
Hottie: Okay. You got any bandages or sterile alcohol in there?
Indie boyfriend: ... No.
Hottie: Yeah, right -- it's a man-purse. [Guy sullenly puts item in bag.]

Target, Saint Matthews
Louisville, Kentucky

Who Are You?