Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Cops All Categories > People > Cops
Recent | Best Of
Psh, Paula Abdul's Been Trying to Get Away with That Excuse for Years
Security guy: You fell down the stairs.
Girl, trying to convince him that she's sober: Okay, have a gander at these heels.
Security guy: You were also making out with a man on the couch.
Girl: I'm promiscuous!? All your evidence is circumstantial! See, I'm using words like "promiscuous" and "circumstantial." Have you ever met a drunk person who uses such vocabulary?
Security guy: You exhibit all the signs of intoxication, you are underage, we must ask you to leave.
Girl: For the last time, I'm not drunk! This is just my personality!
Beta Nightclub
Denver, Colorado
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Character | Colorado | Cops | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Sexuality | Words | Posted 2010-03-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Few Black Eyes, and They're All, "Wah Wah Wah!"
Female customs and border patrol officer: So I wasn't surprised when he left his wife for his girlfriend, but I was surprised by the domestic battery charge. But... you know how women can be.
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Jan
Categories: Cops | Crimes | Eavesdrop DC | Gender issues | Relationships | Violence | Posted 2010-01-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Aren't You Glad We Can All Joke About Mass Murder Like This?
Sweet-ass security guard: Miss, you're going to have to hang up your phone and run it through the machine.
20-something girl intern: But I'm not a terrorist, and I'm on an important call. Can't I just walk through?
Sweet-ass security guard: Miss, that would be like Timothy McVeigh driving up and asking "hey, can I park my car here?"
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Ian
Categories: Compare and contrast | Cops | Crimes | Eavesdrop DC | Employees | Offers and requests | Violence | Posted 2010-01-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Time to Play How Long 'Til His Head Explodes!
French metrosexual, holding up iPhone: It's from Madame Butterfly. You know it?
French bike cop: Yeah, I saw the American movie of it. With that one homosexual actor. Robbie... Robin...
British dinner guest: Robbie Williams?
American dinner guest: Robin Williams? Wait, he's not gay...
French bike cop: Yes. Him.
British dinner guest: That was Mrs Doubtfire.
American dinner guest: It's called Papillon in the US.
French metrosexual: What?
France
Categories: About celebrities | Cell phones | Cops | Foreigners | France | Movies | Names | Sexuality | Posted 2009-12-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What You Said About the Guy Who Was Blowing You Yesterday
Policewoman: I seen you beggin'. You don't know that guy, but he gave you money.
Hobo: Sweetness, sweetness, listen. That's my brother.
Policewoman: You have a white brother?
Hobo: My brother in Christ.
Urbana, Illinois
Categories: Cops | Family ties | Hobos | Illinois | Jesus | Money | Panhandling | Questions | Race | Posted 2009-11-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Without Being Swarmed by Seminarians
Australian tourist: God, it's so hot in here. I can't wait to get out of here and take these pants off.
Church security guard, overhearing: Yes... that is very difficult to do in a church.
Vatican City
Overheard by: LeBron
Filled with Marijuana
Security agent: What's in the box, sir?
Guy with cardboard box: Pot. (long pause, then slowly) A ceramic pot.
Durango Airport
Durango Colorado
Why Law & Order Doesn't Take Place in San Francisco
Young Asian cop easing old Asian man out of police car: My first day on the beat and already I'm finding out about and busting illegal Mahjong parlors! I didn't know they existed!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McF
Categories: Asians | Cops | Crimes | Games | Jobs & Careers | Old folks | San Francisco | Posted 2009-07-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...With Excellent Eyesight.
Male state trooper to female state trooper: At that point they don't even qualify as carrots anymore. They're more like small creatures.
China Harbor
Bangor, Maine
Overheard by: Kim
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Cops | Food | Maine | Posted 2009-07-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What Are You Doing in Albuquerque, Then?
Security officer, pulling out fingernail clippers from carry-on: Sir, what are your intentions with these?
Man in line, deadpan: To take over the world.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Overheard by: Zombie
Categories: Clients | Cops | New Mexico | Public Transportation | Questions | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2009-07-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Now Walk Like an Egyptian
Cop, over cruiser speaker, to lethargic group of hipsters: Go ahead...walk.
(hipsters saunter across street)
Cop, still on speaker: Good job.
Davis Square
Somerville, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kaitlin
Categories: Compliments | Cops | Hipsters | Massachusetts | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Autobiography Features Some Great Tips.
Chick to cop interrupting honor students' discussion: Oh, um, we were just talking about how we would cover up a murder.
Cop, laughing: Oh, you would not believe how many times I've heard that...
Metro State College
Denver, Colorado
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Colorado | Cops | Default | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Murder | Posted 2009-05-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And I Am Not Jerry Springer, My Friend
Cop (in creole): Move along.
Hobo: You don't know me!
Port Louis
Mauritius
Overheard by: Kallay
As Evidenced by the Last Election
Metro cop addressing large crowd waiting for the orange line: Keep moving down the platform. Move down, please!
Tired tourist mom: Move down, honey.
Little girl: Why?
Tired tourist mom: Because we're sheep, that's why.
Smithsonian Station, DC Metro
Washington, DC
Categories: Animals | Cops | Default | Family ties | Girls | Kids | Moms | Public Transportation | Public transportation | Questions | Tourists | Washington, DC | Posted 2009-02-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Even Got Extra Time on My SATs for It.
Cop, helping hobo into jacket inside store: You are not drunk enough to be acting like this. People are going to think you are just mean.
Hobo: I *am* mean!
Sugarhood Smiths
Sugarhood, Utah
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | Cops | Default | Drinking & drunks | Feelings | Guys | Hobos | Stores | Utah | Posted 2009-01-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...While Describing It to Me in Slow, Sultry Terms.
Older woman on phone: There are two dogs having relations on my front yard.
Chief of police: Well, hose them down.
Felton, Delaware
Overheard by: oh dear.
Any Tattoos or Distinguishing Marks?
Dispatcher on police scanner: A subject was just robbed at gunpoint by a black male wearing no clothing.
Cop #1: Can we get a clothing description?
Cop #2, after silence: Just look for a naked man with a gun.
News Station
Jackson, Mississippi
A Good Cargo Pocket Comes in Handy for Almost Anything
Police officer: So that's when they started pulling baseball bats out of their pants?
Guy: Yeah, baseball bats and machetes!
Tysons Corner
Fairfax County, Virginia
Overheard by: Jack
Can We Write a Theme Song About You with That Lyric?
Lady, bumping into female cop in crowded elevator: Oh! Excuse me.
Female cop: Hey, if my boobs don't getcha, my ass will.
Justice Center
El Paso County, Colorado
Ooo-- Actually, I Forgot I Had These Nunchucks
Policeman opening doors of Social Security office: Before I let you in, does anyone have any weapons?
Tiny old lady jumping the queue: Just my fist!
Wilkesboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Jen
And Take Your Side Ponytail With You
Drunk (just thrown out): I bet if had really big boobs you'd let me back in.
Cop working security for the club: No, actually we wouldn't.
Drunk: What, you don't like big boobs?
Cop: Not on dudes.
Drunk: Huh? No, I mean if I was a chick.
Cop: You'd make a really ugly chick.
Drunk: Huh?
Cop: Get the fuck out of here.
Nightclub
Scottsdale, Arizona
Categories: Arizona | Bars & Clubs | Beauty | Cops | Default | Drunks | Gender issues | Rack | Posted 2008-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not the First Time He's Had to Clarify That Today
Guy: That motherfucking cop has driven past here twice in the last fifteen minutes.
Cop (on car's loudspeaker): I'm not a motherfucker.
University of Georgia
Athens, Georgia
Overheard by: Anne
Are Public Rammings Unusual in San Francisco?
Cop on radio: We've gotten a report from race security that there is a large Viking ship being rammed repeatedly into some garbage cans in the park.
Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: geek whisperer
But the Midget Got Taller, If You Know What I Mean
Police officer to college girls: It turns out there was a midget in the closet.
Downtown Palo Alto, California
Categories: California | Cops | Music | Weirdness | Posted 2008-06-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Jessie Got Us Arrested
[Three intoxicated college girls are walking along the street. One trips, falls, and all three laugh hysterically. An unmarked police van passes by]
Cop, yelling out of the window: Looks like three underage drinking tickets right there!
Girl #1: We're all 21!
Cop: Well, it looks like you're 4!
Girl #2: Looks like you're 37 and looking for a boyfriend!
Madison, Wisconsin
Categories: Age and ageing | Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Cops | Crimes | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Friends | Relationships | Sexuality | Sorority types | Weirdness | Wisconsin | Posted 2008-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm... Black?
Traffic cop: She said, "Do you like it?" and I was like, "Yeah, it looks really nice." And then she said, "Is it subtle?" and I was like "Jenny*, you're a black woman with orange and yellow hair!"
Plymouth, Michigan
Overheard by: Morgz
Dude, We Sell That Here
Cop: Have you ever seen a burn victim autopsy?
Security guard chick: No.
Cop: Well, they cut into the guy, and it smelled like cooked meat. It actually made me hungry.
Wal-Mart
Richmond, Texas
Overheard by: Occam's Lady Schick
Categories: Blue collar | Cops | Death & dying | Default | Food | Questions | Texas | Posted 2008-03-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Says Here the Mule Consented?
Cop: You know there's a warrant out for your arrest, right?
Guy with arm in cast: Oh, really?
Cop: Yeah... So we should probably have a chat about that.
Town Court
Duanesburg, New York
Overheard by: 91 in a 65
I'm Gonna Cuff You Now, 'Kay?
Security guard to girls who set off alarms: It's okay. Sometimes I steal things, too.
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Cops | Crimes | Massachusetts | Posted 2007-12-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Don't Make Me Come Down There and Rescue You
Police helicopter hovering with spotlight on suspect, over loudspeaker: Stop running. You can't get away. Just give yourself up. Stop running... No, don't go in the water. You won't make it across. No, don't-- Yeah, it's fucking cold, isn't it, dumbass? Just get out of the water!
American River Parkway
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Ree
Categories: Advice | California | Cops | Posted 2007-12-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And the Republican National Convention Is No Exception
Cop: It's not a party 'til the shirts come off.
Hilton Hotel
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Neon
Categories: Cops | Massachusetts | Philosophy | Posted 2007-11-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Once You Have Kids, Santa Loses All Respect for You
Crazy, bearded old man: Have you seen Bobby lately?
Ohio state trooper: No. His wife just had a baby, so he's on leave for a while.
Crazy, bearded old man: Well, the next time you see him, tell him Santa Claus says [blows a raspberry].
Goshen, Ohio
Overheard by: Michael
Barney Fife: You Know, Fuck You, Andy!
Sheriff: These are kind of like deputy pickles.
Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com
Overheard by: anonymous
Categories: Cops | Food | Overheard in PDX | Posted 2007-09-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
To Protect and Pass Out in a Puddle of His Own Vomit
Cop #1: C'mon, c'mon, admit it!
Cop #2: Fine! I wish I was on OxyContin right now, okay?!
San Rafael, California
Overheard by: Alex Silver
Categories: California | Cops | Drugs | Posted 2007-09-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Don't Want to Have to Run You in for Theft, Too
Cop: It better be your own shit you are throwing this time, Martha.
Citadel Theatre
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
