Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | People

Why Alcohol Exists.

Barman to another: I was looking forward to being miserable this weekend, but it seems to have turned out quite nicely.

Shout-out: www.violaraptor.co.uk

Overheard by: Raptor

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Kermit: It's Not Easy Oozing Green

Bartender #1: Yeah, so I had this weird shit comin' outta my dick. It was sick, dude. Like this funky green pus-like shit oozing from the tip. Smelled like shit, too.
Bartender #2: Dude, you need to quit boning so many filthy whores. You're like rotting from the inside.
Bartender #1: Shit, man, I don't give a fuck. As long as I keep gettin' laid.
Bartender #2: You ain't gonna be doin' shit if your fuckin' nasty dick falls off.
Bartender #1: I know, right? This last chick I nailed was a total slut. I pulled down my pants and she could smell whatever's up with my cock. She goes "Ew, what stinks? Is that your dick?" And I go, "No, it's my feet, I swear!" Then I just pulled her towards me and shoved it in. It was awesome.
Bartender #2: Fuck, man. Something's definitely wrong with you.

Gaithersburg, Maryland

Overheard by: Nasty Nate

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You Can't Make This Shit Up.

Dude at bar: So wait, after her husband left her here by herself--completely shitfaced--she then fucked a total stranger in the bathroom?
Bartender: Yep.
Dude at bar: And then she came back out here bragging about getting banged in the ass?
Gay dude, sidling up: Sounds like an awesome night.

District Bar
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Big D

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You Can't Unring a Bell, Babe

Male bartender: Why'd you open a new grenadine? We have an open one right here. See? Cherry drips all over it.
Female bartender: I got your cherry drips right here. (pause) Wait. Never mind.

St. Louis Park, Minnesota

Overheard by: Whelan

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For Sheer Drama, Jersey Shore Has Nothing on the North Shore

Restaurant waitress, ranting: If my family weren't here I would take my shoe off and stab you in the eye with it.

Saugus, Massachusetts

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We Could Pretend We're a Siamese Twin

Guy to female bartender: Why don't we just date other people together?

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: rich

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Which Only Comes Into Play After Three or More Margaritas

Bartender: The answer was "The North Sea." We did not accept "Nordic" or "Norse."
Guy: But my hand has a lisp!

Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com

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Ad: Have You Sustained a U.D.I.?

Bartender to limping girl entering bar: Are you limping? Oh my god! What happened?
Limping girl: Damn, you weren't here last night, I was hoping you'd tell me!

Washington, DC

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And Stop Pulling the Pork!

(five-year-old boy is slapping and punching packages of beef and pork)
Father: Josh! Stop slapping the meat.
Bystander: (laughs out loud)
Father (hissing): No! Not that!

Safeway
Colorado Springs, Colorado

Overheard by: TK

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Even in Metric Drinks

Bartender: I've never seen someone drink ten Jägerbombs in 15 minutes before...you must be from hell.
Slightly drunk girl: No! I'm from New York. 10? That was 10? Oh, crap, 10 is a lot more than 3.

London
England

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How Do You Think the Lollipop Guild Got Their Name?

Girl #1: So my computer is dead, and I don't know how to fix it.
Girl #2: What do you think is wrong with it?
Girl #1: It's got a virus. But it was totally worth it.
Girl #2: Oh, yeah? Why?
Girl #1: Well, Mary* and I were curious and wanted to know if midgets' dicks are normal-sized or midget-sized, so we were looking up midget porn.
Girl #2: And the verdict is?
Girl #1: They're normal-sized. This one guy was seriously a tripod. It's incredible.
Male bartender: Yeah, I can see how that would be worth a completely devastating virus on your computer. Can you write down the website you found it on?

Killarney's Pub
Hamilton, New Jersey

Overheard by: Currrly!

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In the Back, with I.C. Weiner and Amanda Hugginkiss

Customer, bursting through door: Is there a gentleman here named "male libido?"
Bartender: Yep!

Prescott, Arizona

Overheard by: The Colinator

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And Tucked in Your Gunt

Lesbian bartender: I am so mad right now.
Gay bartender (affectionately touching her cheek): Awwww...honey... You shaved!

Boston, Massachusetts

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And Can I Use Your Leg As a Scratching Post?

Patron #1: Keith is really sorry to have acted like that.
Bartender: Does he even realize how drunk he was?
Patron #1: I'm just saying, that is not the Keith we know
Patron #2: [starts laughing].
Bartender: Well, he is a nice guy, he just gets too drunk.
Patron #1: I'm just letting you know, that according to all the cats he knows, you are the meow [makes a pawing gesture].
Bartender: Okay, how drunk are you?
Patron #2: He doesn't even know who Keith is.
Patron #1: Where are we?

Bennigans
Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Chris

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As I Have Noticed Your Lack of Training Wheels

Drunk girl in bar to bartender: You should be so lucky as to have sex with me.
Bartender: I wouldn't fuck you for practice.

Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: warm ups?

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Whatever. Starving Children in Nigeria Don't Even Have Earlobes.

Bartender: Geez, Hank, you're looking great these days. Been working out?
Chubby Jewish guy: Yeah. I tell ya, I've been trying to lose the spare tire, but I lost it all in my earlobes instead. It's a cruel world.

Suami's India Garden Resturant
Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: Jeebus McGee

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In My Hummer

Bartender: I can't believe she rides her bike to work.
Waitress: Well, she lives just around the corner.
Bartender: I don't care. If I lived in the parking lot, I would still drive to work.

Phoenix, Arizona

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So, No Rules, Just Right?

Bartender: So, what do you do?
Girl: I work at the morgue dissecting babies. Y'know, cutting them to get skin samples.
Bartender: Really?
Girl: Yeah. We call it 'the baby grinder.'
Bartender: That's disgusting.
Girl: What's really gross is every time I do it I get really hungry.

Bar
Fitzroy
Australia

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Using the Men's Room Cam

Male bartender: So, let's all take off our shirts and then you can take pictures of us.
Waitress: Oh, we already did that!

Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com

Overheard by: the next table over

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This Calls for Our Complimentary "Maternity" Shot

Bartender to woman with two drinks: Double-fisting it tonight? You must be really thirsty.
Woman, patting stomach: Well, I'm drinking for two.
Bartender, excited: Congratulations!

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Emma

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We're Roommates

Bartender: You again? I see you everywhere -- you're like a sewer rat.
Drunk guy: Well, I am an alcoholic.

Cedar Falls, Iowa

Overheard by: doe

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Dude, I'm Not a Starfish!

Drunk girl: I have an amazing vagina.
Bartender: Is it an innie or an outie?

Madison, Wisconsin

Overheard by: abby

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