Overheard Everywhere | The Voice of the Towel" | People

Thanksgiving's Not a Religious Holiday, but Whatever

Waitress: Are you going to celebrate Thanksgiving tonight?
Woman with thick Canadian accent: Oh, no, we're going to go home and worship Satan, if that's okay with you.

Cracker Barrel
Orlando, Florida

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Good Luck Filling My Cup, Sir

Male customer: Since you're new, I will order slowly. (proceeds to do so)
Cute female barista, after writing down: Okay, that wasn't so hard!
Male customer: Oh, I'll give you something hard... Oh, wait, did that come out wrong?

Roswell, Georgia

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Which Is Officially Recognized As a Sport in Texas.

Young waitress: He hit a deer on his motorcycle?! That's like... running into a horse with another horse!

Eugene, Oregon

Overheard by: Picture that...

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He Gives the Same Answer to "Is the Bathroom Clean?"

Customer: Is this a cheese danish?
Hipster barista: It's lemon creme...kind of cheesy, I guess.
Customer: Is it good?
Hipster barista: Kind of... It's subjective.

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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What Happens When You Get Free Coffee at Work

Female barista: He's going to Tel Aviv or something. I don't even know where that is.
Male barista: Tel Aviv?
Female barista: Yeah, it's like in Egypt or something, I think.
Male barista: Oh, wait, no, that's the tv station.
Female barista: What?
Male barista: Yeah, it's like their version of the BBC.

Starbucks
Orinda, California

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Oh, and One Of Your Mudslides, Please.

Entitled middle-aged anorexic: I'll have the Cobb salad with no croutons, no bacon, no egg, no cheese, and no avocado, with the chicken on a separate plate.
Sheepish waitress: That just leaves lettuce, tomato, and olives. You sure that's all you want, ma'am?
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: I'm sure.
Sheepish waitress: It'd be cheaper to get a side salad and just add chicken.
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: No, I want a Cobb salad.
Sheepish waitress: It would be the same thing without all the toppings.
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: I. Want. A. Cobb. Salad!
Sheepish waitress: Yes, ma'am. What kind of dressing would you like?
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: No dressing, please.
Sheepish waitress: Yes, ma'am.

TGI Friday's
Virginia

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Is That Even Possible?

Jersey Shore fan: Can you put on Jersey Shore? It's the reunion!
Bartender: Sure, I was kind of hoping someone would ask.
Female drinker: Wow, I am going to watch this dumbass show in a bar, is this happening?
Jersey Shore fan: You love it, don't try to lie cause your boys are here.
Bartender: These people are crazy, and that's why we watch.
Bar patron: I cant believe I am watching the reunion show without having seen a full episode. You are right: I cant stop watching this. What the fuck? Is her name J-Lo?
Jersey Shore fan: J... Wow! She is awesome, snookie is my favorite. I wish I could be friends with her.
Bartender: You have enough slutty friends.

Bar
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Earnie Hustleton

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Should I Make Her a Little Card That Says That?

Waiter, about female patron: Mmm. So hot. I just want to pump her full of babies!

Seattle, Washington

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Just the Whites-- She's on a Diet

Bar patron to another: And then we cracked eggs into her vagina.

Blue Moon Tavern
Seattle, Washington

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Coupons Are Just What the Government Uses to Distract You from the Aliens

Barista: That will be $9.74, please.
Customer: I have a coupon.
Barista, singing as she rings up new total: Lies, lies, lies.

Harvard Square
Cambridge, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Trouble

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I Also Feel Strangely Ashamed.

Waiter: How were the balls?
Blonde: Well, they were filling.

Cheesecake Factory
Providence, Rhode Island

Overheard by: Mallory

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Gin?

Middle-aged father to waitress, about loud toddler daughter: It's an emergency. We need some happy juice.

Restaurant
Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: silver

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...But Then It Also Counts As Your Birthday Present.

Hostess: Your son and I were just talking about what he wants for Christmas.
10-year-old boy: Turkey bacon!
Gruff-looking father: You want turkey bacon for Christmas?
10-year-old boy, to hostess: He never buys any!
Gruff-looking father: Hey, if you want turkey bacon for Christmas, I'll get you turkey bacon.

Restaurant
Middletown, Connecticut

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...Learned That the Hard Way.

Girl: Oh my god, I love their deep-fried mac and cheese balls!
Boy: I got some fried mac and cheese balls for you.
Girl: Tommy, if you tried to dip your balls in a deep fryer, they would probably fall off.
Boy: No they wouldn't.
Waiter, passing by quickly: Yes they would!

Cheesecake Factory
Kettering, Ohio

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At Least Not Without an Audience

Waiter #1: We need to get this shit done and get out of here.
Waiter #2: Yep. I need to get to the bar. Molly's not gonna fuck herself tonight.

Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

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Is This Gonna Be the "Figs Vs. Fags" Debate All Over Again?

Barista: Those aren't dates, those are lesbians!

Dixon, California

Overheard by: Michelle

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Perhaps a Brandy Snifter Full Of Ocean Water, Then

Old woman at restaurant: What do you have to drink?
Exasperated waitress: Everything except root beer and chocolate milk.

New Brunswick, Canadia

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The Best Part Is, They've Trademarked That Name

Friendly waitress, serious: Would you like to order a happy ending?

Lycoming Mall
Pennsdale, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: DazedinPA

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Then I Found Out She Had an Anne Frank Fetish and I Was Like, "Whew!"

Barmaid: I was having sex with a girl, and in the heat of the moment she called me Frank. Which is horrifying, as that's her dad's name.

Pub
Surrey
England

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Aren't You Wendy from Season One?

Barista #1: Yeah, Joey does a great Tim Gunn impression. You should ask him to do it for you.
Barista #2: I will. So you really like Project Runway?
Barista #1: Oh my god, yes! Like, I should totally be on that show.
Barista #2: Yeah? Do you do fashion design?
Barista #1: Well, no. But I dress myself really well. And I have really good ideas. But I can't really sew or anything.

Starbucks
Fairborn, Ohio

Overheard by: Barista #3

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A Venti Boy, If You Catch My Drift.

Barista #1: Katie, can you make one more tall Americano?
Barista #2: Katie, can you make one black straight boy love me?

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Rook

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We Offer the Full Spectrum Of Coffeeness, Sir

Barista at coffee shop: Can I help you, sir?
50-something man: Ah, yes. Do you have, ah, something like coffee?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: the man with the mohawk

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We Thought We'd Give Him Something to Make Him Extra Hyper

Five-year-old boy to barista: I'm getting my pee-pee cut off tomorrow so I get a treat today!
Barista: Umm...
Mother to child: You are being circumcised, not mutilated! (to barista) It's just a medical thing, he doesn't really get it.

Starbucks
Carmel, Indiana

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Which Will Really Confuse the Other Football Team

Big and buff male barista to bigger and buffer male customer (excitedly): And then you can bring the tutu!

Maroubra Junction
Sydney
Australia

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I Began to Feel Like a Sundae

Possibly gay barista: Caramel.
Trailer park barista: Car-mel.
Possibly gay barista: Car-a-mel.
Trailer park barista: That used to drive me nuts when I used to work here.

Robot Lodge, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Coffee Lurker

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In One Of Those Containers That's Like a Bowl, but It Has a Handle

Customer: Do you have any tea that's like coffee only it isn't caffeinated like coffee... But it tastes like coffee?
Barista: Uh, you mean decaf coffee?
Customer: Yes! That's exactly what I want. I'll have a decaf coffee.

Red Brick Coffee Pub
Guelph
Ontario, Canadia

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Something Just Expanded --Possibly My Awareness

Barista guy, gesturing toward mug of Sharpies: Are you aware that these markers cost ninety-nine cents each?
Barista chick: Are you aware that I want to get my nipples pierced?

Starbuck's, Castro Street
Mountain View, California

Overheard by: touché

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... Actually, Can I Just Get a Hot Chocolate?

Customer: I'd like some tea... Organic mint, please.
Barista: Okay, we have organic lemon and organic Earl Grey.
Customer: Um... Actually, I wanted the organic mint.
Barista: Oh, we have that, too.
Customer: Okay, then. That's the one I'll have.

Design Coffee shop, University of Washington
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Just Me

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When You Can Take the Handicapped Kid's Scissors Away, Grasshopper...

Bimbette: ... You, like, learn to flip people on the mat. My mom knows how to do that. She works with retarded kids and they, like, have come at her with scissors and tried to cut her throat before.
Barista: That doesn't sound like a job I'd want to have.
Bimbette: No, she loves it.

Starbucks
Gaithersburg, Maryland

Overheard by: I just want my mocha, please

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Yeah, but He's All Like, "Our Baby Doesn't Have Any Food"

Barista #1: He expects me to work from, like, nine to five all next week!
Barista #2: What?! That's like a job!

Starbucks
Virginia

Overheard by: Person with a job

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This Bullet, for Instance

Dude: So, what is this? Like, an energy drink, too?
Barista: Nah, it's just a soda.
Dude: Hmmm, white grape juice, filtered carbonated water... It does have like 22 grams of sugar, but I guess it's like natural sugar, so it's not so bad, right?
Barista: I don't know, it might kill ya!
Dude: Yeah, but I think that things that kill you make you smarter.

Jersey City, New Jersey

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I Have to Recite an Affirmation Just to Get a Latte

Barista: I totally hate what rehab's done to coffee houses.

Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com

Overheard by:

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Mom and Dad, Especially

Barista #1: So, I had this totally fucked up dream last night. I was, like, having sexual relations with my brother...
Barista #2, totally serious: That's not weird.
Barista #1: I know, but the weird thing was everyone around me was really uncomfortable with it.

Fort Collins, Colorado

Overheard by: I'm uncomfortable even hearing it

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