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February 2012 Archives
There's a Reason It's Called "Southern Comfort", People.
Anthropology professor, about Jamestown colonists: So when the massacre of 1622 happened, people said "oh, you were all wearing clothing above your station and you weren't sober!" But come on, you can't live in Virginia without being drunk!
University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia
...As a Protest Against the War.
Guy: What time is it?
Girl: I don't know. My clock's in military time and I only know it up to 1700.
Portland, Oregon
Just Like Jesus Used to Do
Girl to mother: He's Jewish, but he goes to Christian churches to look for women.
Austin, Texas
Remember How He Always Came Early?
Teacher to student, referring to someone who dropped the class: I'm sorry. I keep accidentally doing your husband. (slight pause, while she ponders the situation) It's too bad he stopped coming, now I can't do you both at the same time anymore.
Henderson
Henderson, Nevada
Shall We Watch Each Other's Flesh Ripple Hypnotically, My Tubby Ally?
Overweight old man looking for a treadmill, after welp: Guess I'll park my ass next to you. You look just about as out of shape as I am.
Fat teen: Heh...
LA Fitness
Fort Worth, Texas
On a Bad Day, I Use Someone Else's.
College-age guy looking at online job application: Do I have any special skills? Well, I can put my penis in my mouth. (pause) On a good day.
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Michael
That Was Always My Response to Sunday School
Mother: Oh shoot, we'd better be getting in, we're already late.
Pretty good Brando for a six-year-old boy: The horror... the horror.
Outside St. Lawrence Catholic Church
Tampa, Florida
As Every Airport Should.
20-something guy on cell: And it would have a sign that says, "welcome, groundhogs."
Provo, Utah
In the Meantime, Enjoy My Banjo Playing and Complimentary Hoedown
Overly chipper male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, please make sure that your tray tables are up and your seat backs are in the most uncomfortable position possible, we're fixin' to move this thing!
BWI Airport
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: no longer cares that his flight was delayed
This Concludes My Report on Mr. Sagan
Girl: Carl is the epitome of Carl.
Eugene, Oregon
Your Sex Slang Keeps Getting Flipper and Flipper
Girl with many shopping bags sitting down at pub table: Oh man... I'm knackered. I need gin.
Guy #1 at pub table: Busy day waxing the dolphin?
Girl: What?
Guy #2 at pub table: Mate, I told you, waxing the dolphin is what men do - with women its oiling the porpoise.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
Um, This Isn't an Amino Acids Anonymous Meeting
Girl to calculus class: My name is Jane Doe* and my favorite amino acid is cysteine because it forms disulfide bonds with itself.
St. Joseph High School
Michigan
Which Was Why He Always Carried a Big Stick
Preppy homo: I think I'd totally let Abe Lincoln jizz on my face.
Fag hag #1: Why not Roosevelt?
Preppy homo: Umm, he didn't have legs.
Fag hag #2: No, you're thinking of Teddy.
Irving Park, Illinois
What's More Charming Than the Misfortune Of Others?
Very blonde white lady, at a table with her children: I love the ghetto!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
We're Still Trying to Do the Math on This One
Woman to friend: Yeah, well, he was honest about his number of divorces. Just not his number of marriages.
Friend: That's always a bitch.
Atlanta, Georgia
Zombie Lamaze Classes Are Surprisingly Popular
Biology teacher: Dead mothers do not give birth to very healthy babies.
Marymount University
Arlington, Virginia
He Wants to Talk to Me About Improper Use Of Colons
13-year-old girl: Let's go to the bathroom, I need to find Mr Daniels*.
Auckland
New Zealand
Overheard by: Kelly
Translation: "I'm Straight"
Tall boy: Vaginas are beautiful. When god made the vagina he was making art. When he was making the penis he just took two lumps of clay and stuck them together.
Campbell High School
Smyrna, Georgia
Different Strokes for Different Folks, We Suppose.
Talkative guy: Masturbating is my "me" time. When you're having sex, it's about the other person. Well, it is for her until she forgets because she's made herself come so hard...
Bayonne, New Jersey
You're So Avant-Garde, Kevin.
Male art student: I love it when people ask me how I am, especially cashiers. Then I get to say things like, "geeze, I think I'm pregnant again!" (pause) They just don't know how to respond to things like that.
Whittier College
Whittier, California
Overheard by: Sam, the small bundle of joy
The British Remake Of Fatal Attraction Lacks a Lot Of the Drama Of the Original.
20-something girl, in floods of tears at pub table: He's a fucking bastard! I hate him!
Friend #1: What happened?
20-something girl: I hate him! I hate him! I hate him!
Friend #2: Babes, did he cheat on you?
20-something girl, crying: No! He made me dinner...
(friend #1 and friend #2 exchange puzzled look)
Friend #2: So?
20-something girl: He told me it was a beef stew but it wasn't. It was a fucking bunny rabbit! How could he do that?! He knows how much I love bunnies!
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
If So, Please Wave Them As a Gesture Of Peace.
One overweight mom to another: Did you find my pants!?
Greenland, New Hampshire
Raising Kids, in a Nutshell.
Mother: Look out the window, there's the Sydney opera house!
Little boy: Oh wow!
Mother: And look, there's the Sydney harbor bridge!
Little boy: Oh wow, oh wow!
(pause)
Little boy: Wait, are we going to Sydney?
Mother: Yes, honey, we'll be landing soon.
Little boy, screaming: But you know I hate Sydney!
Flight to Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Row 14, seat F
Wanna Spoon?
Frantic college girl, explaining why she made no sense: And when it went from my mind to my... speaking utensils...
Ellensburg, Washington
Um, Beaver?
Guy: I'm going to bake you a pie.
Girl: You're going to bake me a pie? You?
Guy: Yeah!
Girl, rolling eyes: Well, eat half and fuck the other, because you ain't getting in these panties.
(five minutes later)
Girl: What kind of pie?
Restaurant
Manhattan, New York
Gold Digging Should Be an Olympic Sport
Girl #1 on phone to girlfriend: Wait, you've picked up a German millionaire?!
Girl #2 standing beside her: Tell her to steal things!
Beijing
China
Overheard by: lg
Meet the Only Two Vegans in Newfoundland
Girl #1: Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up and are just like, "ugh, I'm so desperate for some b-12"?
Girl #2: Ugh, yeah.
Girl #1: Yeah, that was me yesterday. So I bought some. (pulls bottle of vitamin b-12 from her purse)
St. John's
Newfoundland
Canadia
Overheard by: Mel
Stephen Suffers From Aphasians
Girl to guy, after long moment of intense pondering: Yeah, I think Chinese accents are definitely funnier than mental illness.
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: Twinla Archnemekiss
Life Was Much Simpler in College
Dude to friend, entering bar: Don't worry about a thing. We'll get you drunk, get you laid, and get you on a Fung Wah bus tomorrow morning.
Near Boston University Dorms
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Brian
Some Episodes Of Top Chef Are a Total Horrorshow
Loud guy: It's not even that I was bitten by zombies; it's that I fucking hate undercooked cauliflower.
St. John's
Newfoundland
Canadia
Overheard by: Mel
Turns Out It Was Both
Guy on cell: Yeah, she kept on shouting out stuff in German. I didn't know if that meant she was about to come or if I was fucking her wrong.
Leamington Spa
England
Overheard by: Bleep
I Bury My Pets in the Back Yard
Girl on phone: She kept it. She didn't even donate it to Locks of Love, in case she ever goes bald.
UC
Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Tom
If We Held Hands, We Could Power the Entire East Coast
Gangster teen #1: Man, why it gotta be so cold?
Gangster teen #2: Yeah, what's up with that, yo? We black, we supposed to conduct heat or some shit.
Millersville, Maryland
All Those Guys Care About Is Gastronomy!
English professor, discussing The Beauty and the Beast: What was his name? Gustav? Gaston? Whatever, he's French, to hell with him!
University of Louisville
Louisville, Kentucky
Overheard by: Skye
Have You Tried Giving God My Letter Of Recommendation?
Jewish boy to non-Jewish nanny: So, you've been working here for me for awhile... Are you Jewish yet?
Nanny: Nope.
Jewish boy, with deep sigh: There's still time.
Brookline, Massachusetts
Overheard by: S
...Hello?...Hello?...
Exasperated woman on cell: No, let me read you my confirmation number one more time: It's 'a' as in 'apple' then 'k' as in 'ku klux klan.'
dcist.com
Hint, Hint.
Guy #1: Man, it's too early. I'm so tired.
Guy #2: I know, man. I'm so tired that if some dude just came up and raped me I wouldn't care, I'd be like "just hurry up and get it over with!"
West Virginia
Overheard by: Kimber
Hilarious, But Horrible.
Girl, to friend: Yeah, so I was in the middle of fucking him when she called... And I all I could say was, "you've got a friend in me..."
Friend: You are a horrible person.
Montclair, New Jersey
Overheard by: CS
Your Editors Prefer "Wide Gate to Paradise"
Guy, about the word "vagina": It doesn't roll off the tongue.
Girl: The British used the word "quim," which originated from the Welsh... It means a hollow or a valley. (pause) The valley between her legs.
Guy: See, nobody wants a valley... Shoulda just called it a slit.
Girl, sarcastically: Or a hairline fracture.
Bayonne, New Jersey
Denzel Only Works on Tuesdays, People.
Train operator: The middle door of the third car of this train will not take you to a magical fantasy land where you meet Denzel Washington. It will merely take you to Grovesnor, like every other door on this train.
dcist.com
...Senator.
Young scruffy guy, shouting at grey-haired guy walking nervously away: I sucked your dick! Give me my five dollars!
The Mission
San Francisco, California
Friends Don't Let Friends Tutor Drunk
Girl #1: I need you to help me with my English homework.
Girl #2: Alright, what do you need help with?
Girl #1: I still can't understand how you tell adjectives from adverbs.
Girl #2: Adverbs end in -ly, like "quickly," "quietly," and "quantity."
University of Wisconsin
I Won't Go to the U.S., and That's Final
Redheaded woman, firmly: No, I don't mind scummy, I don't mind stabby, but I am not living somewhere that's famous for racial assaults and acid attacks.
Despondent man: I'm just asking you to think about it.
Marylebone Station
London
England
Overheard by: Bleepette
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