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August 2010 Archives
Though, to Be Fair, the Bicycle Had No Bell.
Girl #1: My grandfather has won the Nobel Prize!
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #1: Yeah, he has one of those trophies in his bookshelf!
Janitor, walking in: Are you sure it was the Nobel Prize?
Girl #1: Yes, I am! Don't you believe me? I'm gonna call him and ask! (proceeds to call, hangs up sounding disappointed)
Janitor: Well?
Girl #1: Oh, it was not the Nobel Prize. It was only from a bicycle race.
High School
Sweden
Overheard by: Malin
Categories: Bragging | Family ties | Old folks | On the phone | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Sweden | Teachers | Posted 2010-08-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
One Of the Perils Of Being Raised on AIM
Young guy on cell: Man, I don't know nobody by they real names, yo.
Framingham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Shifty
Categories: Guys | Massachusetts | Names | On the phone | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Christmas Has Come Early When We Get "Boobs" and "Mound" in the Same Quote.
Chesty girl, about failing pitcher: I've offered to go to the mound and show him my boobs. I just don't know what else I can do to support this team.
Comerica Park
Detroit, Michigan
Categories: Girls | Michigan | Offers and requests | Rack | Posted 2010-08-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Exactly.
20-something girlfriend, pointing at "exit only--do not enter" sign: I should tattoo that on my butt.
20-something boyfriend: But then you would be single.
Lincoln Park
Chicago, Illinois
And I'll Happily Let You Ride Me in the Water
Man on cell in grocery store: As long as you don't call me "flipper," that's okay.
Gresham, Oregon
Also a Major Problem at Chimpanzee Schools
Teacher to girl picking lint off her boobs: Pay attention, please.
Girl: I can't! I'm cleaning!
Potomac, Maryland
Another Conflict in Which the Swiss Happily Remain Neutral
Overweight redhead Southern lady #1, looking through Switzerland t-shirts: Y'all, Ginger... I think this size is a li'l too small...
Overweight redhead Southern lady #2: Naw, I think that looks 'bout right.
Random lady: I thought we went on vacation to get away from the Southerners, not go find some more...
Lucerne
Switzerland
Overheard by: marisawin
Categories: Clothes | Clothing | Comebacks | Diet & weight | Europe | Fat people | Strangers | Tourists | Posted 2010-08-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sort Of Like a Human Centrifuge. Any Questions?
Professor, in monotone voice: I think we're all familiar with merry-go-rounds. They're objects in playgrounds that rotate at relatively high speeds, and we put our children on them.
Millersville University
Millersville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Tyler G
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Kids | Pennsylvania | Science | Students | Teachers | Posted 2010-08-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And the Most Space-Effective
Lady at table of discount clothing to guy browsing through sweatshirts: Yeah, Japanese-made condoms are really the most reliable.
Guy: Mmm-hmm.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: woefully uninformed
Categories: Compare and contrast | Condoms | Customers | Overheard in Minneapolis | Shopping | Posted 2010-08-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Look, an Erection!
Small-chested hiking girl: Damn! Hey, you'd wipe the sweat off my boobs, right?
Busty hiking girl: Only if you wipe mine.
Small-chested hiking girl: Somehow I think I'm going to have to do a lot more work.
Hiking boy: Uhhh...
Fort Boreman Park Hiking Trails
Parkersburg, West Virginia
Categories: Compare and contrast | Girls | Guys | Offers and requests | Rack | Sensory experiences | West Virginia | Posted 2010-08-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What With the Muffin Top, Camel Toe, and Side Ponytail
Guy to girl: You just give off that vibe that says "make fun of me!"
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: marisawin
If Not, I Don't Think You're Ready for This Sorority
Girl at dining hall: I mean: haven't you ever smelled your own bellybutton?
Lehigh Universuty
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Pennsylvania | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2010-08-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The "Trick Question" on the C.I.A. Exam
Guy: I'm thinking of doing heroin, but just once. Do you think that's cool?
Shout-out: overheardlines.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Tim
Categories: Drugs | Fashion | Guys | Overheard Lines | Stupidity | Posted 2010-08-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Why Do We Always Go to Gay Bars?
Guy: I told him to stop buying me shots.
Girl: That don't mean you got to drink em'!
Bar
Charlotte, North Carolina
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Drinking & drunks | Girls | Guys | Money | North Carolina | Posted 2010-08-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Kierkegaard Water Park Encourages That
Young girl, about dragonfly on water slide: It can't be alive because it's dead!
College guy: Kids are so philosophical.
Hackettstown, New Jersey
Categories: Death & dying | Kids | Kids | New Jersey | Philosophy | Students | Posted 2010-08-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Let Us Pray
20-something nasty-looking girl in pub, scratching furiously down trousers: Jesus, my clunge itches!
Leamington Spa
England
Not As Cute As a Baby with a Cigar, but Close.
Life insurance rep: So how many cigarettes do you smoke a day?
Young woman: Oh, maybe like three or four...
Life insurance rep: Oh, that's cute.
Jersey City, New Jersey
She Claimed the Pasties Were Medicinal.
Guy: So she lied to me. She said she wasn't eighteen.
Girl: How old was she?
Guy: Nineteen. And she said she wasn't a stripper.
Berkeley, California
Categories: Age and ageing | California | Girls | Guys | Lies | Sex | Posted 2010-08-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gosh, I Miss The Osbournes.
Tween boy #1: I'm bummed. I grabbed my mom's iPod instead of mine this morning.
Tween boy #2: They look the same, how do you know it's not yours?
Tween boy #1: I have Radiohead and The Shins, she has Deicide and Cradle of Filth.
Tween boy #2: I love that woman.
High School
Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
Categories: Compare and contrast | Florida | Music | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Technology | Tweens | Posted 2010-08-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
For Good Teachers, Even Stupid Arguments Beat Silence
Tutor to quiet class: Are you normally this talkative? (silence) Rightie-o, then. You know, when I went to university I practically didn't say a word for four years. It was good.
University of Western Sydney
Australia
Dude, I Still Haven't Forgiven You for the Tijuana Debacle
Man describing play: You've never seen anything better then two sock puppets diddling each other.
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Compare and contrast | Guys | Illinois | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Straight Guys Are Forced to Watch Martha Stewart
20-something loud man: I would not put my dick in her ear. That's how not interested I am.
Norman, Oklahoma
Categories: Body parts | Guys | Oklahoma | Penis | Posted 2010-08-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Or at Least Draw Naughty Pictures to Accompany the Poems?
Boy Scout dad, after walking through exhibit: So was he some sort of poet?
Woman: Uh, yeah... He was kind of a big deal.
Boy Scout dad: Did he write limericks?
Allen Ginsberg Exhibit
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Afrocurl
Categories: Books | Dads | Questions | Washington, DC | Women | Posted 2010-08-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, What's the Big Deal About Cunnilingus??
Guy jogging around track with friends: Well, if it's still alive we can't eat it, can we?
Robbinsville High School
New Jersey
Categories: Food | Friends | Guys | New Jersey | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Posted 2010-08-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Aww, That's Cold.
Obese teenager to mom: I wish I had an ice cream maker built into my steering wheel.
Mother: Stop.
Mobile, Alabama
Categories: Alabama | Diet & weight | Fat people | Food | Moms | Parenting | Teens | Wishes | Posted 2010-08-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
With This Little Thing?
30-something male student to teacher: I keep having sex with these girls, and I go for 30 minutes... or sometimes and hour. They don't come. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with them?
Female professor, confidently: It sounds like you're rubbing 'em raw!
Community College
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Oklahoma | Orgasm | Questions | Sex | Students | Teachers | Time Management | Posted 2010-08-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Afraid Beer Had Me
Hobo, surrounded by EMTs and police: Hocus pocus!
Officer: Sir, have you been drinking?
Hobo: Hocus pocus!
Officer: Have you had anything yummy, like beer?
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: nathans
Why Do I Always Gotta Be the Burrito Holder?
Dude: Hold this burrito, I gotta take my clothes off.
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Clothes | Food | Guys | Illinois | Offers and requests | Posted 2010-08-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Take That IPad!
Teen girl #1, looking at bookmarks: Oh--I would totally read if I had a cool bookmark!
Teen girl #2: Oh, me too, for sure!
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Or I'm Sure He Would If We Could Locate Him.
Mother to four-year-old daughter: You're forgetting mummy is mummy and not daddy. Daddy is the one who cares.
Target
Australia
Not During?
Incredibly drunk sorority girl to boyfriend: Sweetie, can we throw up before we do it tonight?
UBC
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: The only sober guy on the bus
Categories: Canadia | Couples | Drunks | Health & Hygiene | Sensory experiences | Sex | Sorority types | Posted 2010-08-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Is Officially Recognized As a Sport in Texas.
Young waitress: He hit a deer on his motorcycle?! That's like... running into a horse with another horse!
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: Picture that...
Categories: Animals | Baristas | Compare and contrast | Oregon | Posted 2010-08-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If We've Learned Nothing Else from There's Something About Mary, It's That.
Girl #1: It's my hair, isn't it?
Girl #2: Your hair is begging to be oversexed.
Wellington, New Zealand
Overheard by: Bea
Categories: Girls | Hair | New Zealand | Sex | Posted 2010-08-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Always Show Me Up, Peggy
Whiny-voiced 20-something: My period showed up two days early and ruined my weekend plans with that guy I was seeing.
20-something with baby: My period showed up two weeks late, stuck me with this, and ruined my life. Pass me one of those shirts in a medium?
Springfield, Illinois
Overheard by: Katie F
And What If It Took Pictures?
Gay Australian cowboy: I just didn't want his cat seeing me naked.
Calgary
Canadia
That Guy Is Always Purple Raining on Our Parade.
Museum employee: I'm from Minnesota, originally.
Guy: I lived in Minnesota for a while, a long time back. Nice place, but there was way too much of that one guy. You know, that guy? The little guy? With "purple ..."?
Museum employee: ...Prince?
Guy: Yeah, that's the one.
Art Museum
Denver, Colorado
Like God, If They Didn't Exist, TV Would Have to Invent Them
Young film intern asked to come up with new story: What about a girl surrounded by her sassy, lesbian friends? Do lesbians come in sassy?
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: I honestly don't know
Best. Birthday Party. Ever.
Teen boy to girl: No! It was an Indian! And it was not vagina soup!
Danby, New York
You Have Mel Gibson Pegged.
Suit: I assume he's sitting in his backyard in a loincloth right now.
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Clothes | Clothing | Massachusetts | Suits | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Start Talking Like Ray Romano
Super smart, nerdy-looking guy: No! If you hit a mammoth with a comet, it will freeze!
High School
North Dakota
Overheard by: marisawin
Categories: Animals | Guys | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | USA | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Steve Miller: "Same Here."
Girl: How do you choose a good peach?
Guy: I go with whichever would make the prettiest vagina. Seems to work pretty well.
Produce Market
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Dr. Banana Grabber
Straight Guys See Women's Clothes Solely in Terms Of What They Cover
Annoyed wife trying on unattractive skirt: So what do you think?
Husband, with baby: It looks nice.
Annoyed wife, returning to dressing room: What do you know?
Husband to baby: Son, you have no chance.
Old Navy
South Carolina
Overheard by: Kempii
You Can't Make This Shit Up.
Dude at bar: So wait, after her husband left her here by herself--completely shitfaced--she then fucked a total stranger in the bathroom?
Bartender: Yep.
Dude at bar: And then she came back out here bragging about getting banged in the ass?
Gay dude, sidling up: Sounds like an awesome night.
District Bar
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Big D
Categories: Backdoor | Bars & Clubs | Bartenders | Bragging | Gossip | Guys | Illinois | Queers | Relationships | Sex | Posted 2010-08-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Lord Hates a Lazy Hitman, Son
Man in large custom-painted SUV, rollin' up: Hey! Lil' Jojo in there? (gestures toward apartment building)
Woman on front steps: I don't know!
Man: Will you go in and see if he there?
Woman: The door open. Whassamatta, you ain't got no legs?
Man: Shit! I don't know what apartment he in!
Woman: Well, you might be comin' to kill him...
St. Paul, Minnesota
Overheard by: Melissa
...And No Sharesies!
Guy walking into bathroom: Hey, is that your beer on top of that urinal?
Guy using urinal: You know it!
Prince Edward Tavern
Hamilton
Canadia
Overheard by: M@
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Canadia | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Pee | Questions | Restroom | Posted 2010-08-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Stay Away from Drugs, Kids!
Teen ordering at Subway: Yeah, I want mustard.
Teen friend: No way. Mustard?
Teen ordering: I like mustard.
Teen friend: Omigod, I'm telling Paul* and he's never gonna talk to you again.
Teen ordering: What? Omigod! No, don't!
Teen friend, pulling out phone and dialing: Too late.
Teen ordering, almost crying: I like Paul*!
Teen friend, answering phone: Hello? Paulie! Natasha* loves mustard. (pause) Oh. Never mind, Paul* likes mustard.
Cashier: Um, are you two drunk?
Teen ordering, wide-eyed: Do you like mustard?
Subway
Alabama
Overheard by: they were drunk.
They Both Swear They're Straight
Middle aged man: Hey, Jesse! Wanna wrestle?
Shirtless young man: I'll wrestle you if you give me a Jägerbomb!
Middle aged man: You better hurry, we're running out!
Traverse City, Michigan
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Guys | Michigan | Offers and requests | Violence | Posted 2010-08-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As the Palestinians Keep Telling the Israelis
Dad to eight-year-old son: Well, stop giving people wedgies and they'll stop throwing rocks at you.
Edmonton
Canadia
Overheard by: Christina M.
The "Everything" Bagel Really Does Have Everything
Girl to sister: The cheese is so good! It tastes like chicken!
Parenra
Houston, Texas
Categories: Compare and contrast | Food | Girls | Sensory experiences | Siblings | Texas | Posted 2010-08-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
None Of Them Are Filtered
Teen gangsta wannabe yelling to small boy on playground: No, I wasn't, I don't smoke! He was just transferring the smoke to my mouth! (pause) Never mind! I'm not gay!
Park
Cincinnati, Ohio
Isn't That an R. Kelly Song?
Girl #1: Oh, I love Law & Order: SVU!
Girl #2: I know! Rape just brings out the best in people!
Richmond, Virginia
Overheard by: 804laura
...Faking Its Own Death for the Publicity
Mother: Why did you kill that butterfly?
22-year-old daughter: It wasn't on purpose!
Mother: And what did you do with it?
22-year-old daughter: I put it outside, on the plant...
Mother: Why?
22-year-old daughter: I thought it was just pretending...
São Paulo
Brazil
Overheard by: Teca Arantes
And What Language Are They Speaking?
Seven-year-old boy, stepping off train, to parents: We're in the middle of nowhere!
Train Platform
Maplewood, New Jersey
Overheard by: KBN
And It Goes "Bloop Bloop Bloop" When You Pour It
Girl: Do you want this in your coffee?
Boy: What is it?
Girl: It's half and half.
Boy: No. I don't know what that is.
Coffee Shop
Madison, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Don
Categories: Food | Girls | Guys | Offers and requests | Wisconsin | Posted 2010-08-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Meant SkyMall Magazine, but Whatever
Newbie guy on airplane: What's this?
Female friend: For your entertainment.
Newbie guy: Ooooh! Barf bag!
Washington International Airport
Baltimore, Maryland
Categories: Friends | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Maryland | Public Transportation | Questions | Posted 2010-08-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Bad Ones
Lazy construction worker: Watch out, that stuff is hot!
Busy construction worker: It's okay, my fingers are used to the heat. I used to have habits.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kendra
Categories: Body parts | Construction workers | Massachusetts | Sensory experiences | Posted 2010-08-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And My Analyst Will Hold You While I Do So
Man on cell: I've never shown hostility towards women, but if you ever call that transvestite my mother, I will beat you senseless.
Savannah, Georgia
Categories: Family ties | Gender issues | Georgia | Guys | On the phone | Parenting | Threats | Violence | Posted 2010-08-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mickey Doesn't Care, Sweetie
Girl to family: Happy 4th of July, everyone!
Kid next to girl: But I'm Jewish!
Magic Kingdom
Orlando, Florida
It Enchants All the Men Who See It
Teenage boy: I'm so ripped my back has a six pack! Six-pack back!
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Body parts | Oregon | Teens | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Smart Money Says This Is a Tip Enhancement Strategy
Taxi dispatcher: Yeah, take your time. No need to kill yourself.
Taxi driver: One more reason not to kill myself. Copy.
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Claiborne
Categories: Coworkers | Minnesota | Murder | Time Management | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Man Probably Needs His Bran, Honey
Daughter: Why did you pick up that man's cereal, dad?
Dad: Because he dropped it, sweetie.
Daughter: Oh, is it because he's old?
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Kara
Don't Expect a Hungry Man to Make Sense
Man to woman: The name "Pizza Hut" is so perfect, because it has "pizza" in the name, and they sell pizza!
Busch Gardens
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Faye
Yeah. I Guess.
Guy: Men are bastards. I'm a man.
Girl: Then what does that make you?
Guy: Huh?
Girl: You said men are bastards. So then what does that make you?
Guy, not paying attention: Wanna dance?
Norman, Oklahoma
Categories: Dancing | Gender issues | Girls | Guys | Insults | Offers and requests | Oklahoma | Posted 2010-08-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Assuming I've Successfully Turned You Gay. Now Let's Go Look at Window-treatments.
Little boy on bus: Mom, mom, what's that? (points at Showgirls)
Mom: It's a titty place! Don't worry, no one's going to come out naked, but you won't care about that when you're 20.
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Face
Categories: Age and ageing | Kids | Kids | Moms | Parenting | Questions | Rack | Sensory experiences | Sex | Washington | Posted 2010-08-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Threesome-Resistant Boys Are Sadly Common in Oregon
Whiny girl to female friend, showing a polka-dotted bra: Come on! I'm trying to show you my boobs!
Boy, lifting his shirt: The only boobs she wants to see are mine!
Eugene, Oregon
What a World
Little boy: My legs are melting! My legs are melting!
Target
White Plains, New York
Categories: Body parts | Kids | Kids | New York | Sensory experiences | Stores | Posted 2010-08-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Conversation's the Libretto for an Entire Italian Opera
Girl #1: It's too hot.
Girl #2: Did you say it's hot?
Girl #1: I said it's too hot.
Girl #2: For pizza?
Girl #1: For everything. For life.
Venice
Italy
Overheard by: Chris
You're Too Kind, Madame
Little girl, in Arabic, as she sits in the train: Smells like cotton candy!
Mother, in French: Yeah, you're right, it smells like cotton candy. (to grandmother) Don't you think it smells like cotton candy?
Young black woman, sitting in the next row, smiling: It's me. It's my perfume.
Mother: Really?! What is it?
Young black woman: Vanilla and cotton candy.
Mother: Really? My girl told me it smells like the amusement park. At first I thought it was the cleaning product they used to wash the train floor. (pause) It smells really good.
C Train
Paris
France
Overheard by: BBM Tm
Categories: Black people | Candy | Cleanliness | Compare and contrast | Family | France | Kids | Moms | Sensory experiences | Strangers | Train | Posted 2010-08-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Bad Things Happen When Housemates Mate
Guy to crowd of housemates: See, this is the kind of toilet we want--it's rated to be able to flush one kilo of material at a time.
Girl: How many kilos does a newborn weigh?
Home Depot
Oakland, California
Overheard by: Alchemist George
Still Say You'd Never Date a Jersey Girl?
Girl: I'm gonna miss smoking.
Guy: We both will. Oh, well...
Girl: I'll just replace it by giving you blowjobs all the time.
Guy: Yeah, we can't do that in public.
Girl: We can carry around a tent. Or I can carry around a parasol, and if anyone asks I can say I'm under my property and they're trespassing.
New Jersey
They Call Him "The Baconator"!
Twelve-year-old boy in lunch line: So I think I have a new arch-nemesis... He's like, Canadian, or something.
Friend: Cool!
Brown University
Providence, Rhode Island
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Friends | Relationships | Rhode Island | Tweens | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Let's Hope She's Kidding
Guy to girl: So, do you call him "camp" for short?
Girl dead seriously: No, I call him master. He is my boyfriend, you know.
English Class
Tampa, Florida
...Prematurely
Overweight mom, walking away from grave, to young sons: If you don't start behaving, you are going to be buried here.
Arlington National Cemetery
Arlington, Virginia
Categories: Death & dying | Fat people | Kids | Moms | Parenting | Threats | Virginia | Posted 2010-08-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Straight Guys Totally Understand Why Girls Like Girls
Short skinny emo girl: I'm half gay.
Preppy dude walking by: There is so much to say there, so much to say.
Natick, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Un-gay friend.
Categories: Gender issues | Girls | Massachusetts | Preppies | Sexuality | Skinny people | Posted 2010-08-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Beware Of Canadian Estheticians, Dear Reader
Teenage girl to friend, giggling: So then she said she was going to put diarrhea on my face!
Toronto
Canadia
...and I'll Propose to You.
Dude: Just press your nipple up against the glass.
Roller Derby Game
Victoria
Canadia
Overheard by: Jay
Categories: Canadia | Guys | Nipples | Offers and requests | Posted 2010-08-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So, Regardless, We're Going Green.
Student, as professor walks into classroom: Tomorrow's Earth Day!
Professor: Yesterday was 4/20!
Classroom, College of Marin
Marin County, California
What Have Mom and Dad Been Telling You, Anyway?
Girl, watching painting: That's a girl, she's got those things. (points to nipples)
Boy: It's a boy! Grown-up boys have those, too. I've seen them.
Girl: It's a girl!
Boy: No, boys have them too; they just don't do as much. The girls' milk, the boys' don't.
Art Gallery
Portland, Oregon
You Must Be Gay, Then
Boy: So, do you have a boyfriend?
Cute, chubby girl, with suspicion: No...
Boy: Can I get your number?
Girl: No.
Boy: Why?
Girl: I'm gay.
Boy: Oh... Really?
Girl: No. Sorry. Creeper reflex.
Boy: So you wanna go out?
Girl: No.
Starbucks
Manhattan, New York
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Bonding | Gender issues | Girls | Guys | Lies | New York | Offers and requests | Questions | Sexuality | Posted 2010-08-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Still Think The Bachelor Can't Get Any Worse?
Guy on crutches: I have nothing to offer a woman. It's like, "hey! I live at the homeless shelter, wanna go on a fucking date?"
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Libby
Categories: Bonding | Guys | Massachusetts | Money | Offers and requests | Posted 2010-08-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
B-
Fine arts teacher: Michelangelo and Donatello. They were both brilliant, they were both homosexual, they were both... Both...
Girl: Ninja turtles!
Ohio
All Teachers Want Is to Fit in
Student: Hey bruh, can I ansuh?!
Teacher: Yeah, sure... Wait, what did you call me?
Student: Bruh?
Teacher, grining: That made my day!
Nashville, Tennessee
That Would Make Your Ears Ring, Sir
Lecturer, about over-sized earrings left behind in class: Yes, you put one around the left testicle...
Christchurch
New Zealand
Categories: Balls | Fashion | New Zealand | Teachers | Posted 2010-08-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I've Been Told Exactly Enough to Procreate, but No More
Girl looking at drawing in journal: Oh my god, is that a scrotum?
Guy: No! (concerned) Are you a virgin?
Atlanta, Georgia
Beverly Hills? You're Already There.
Buff Asian kid, squinting at label on microscope: Made in... Douche-land? What the fuck is douche-land?
Beverly Hills High School
Beverly Hills, California
Categories: Asians | California | Geography | Insults | Kids | Names | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Stupidity | Posted 2010-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Rhode Island's a Very Small State, Dear Reader
Girl, waiting for Italian professor: How can she know Italian well enough to teach it when she can't even speak English that well?
Rhode Island
Overheard by: Doesn't Speak Italian
Categories: Education | Girls | Language barrier | Questions | Rhode Island | Posted 2010-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Cautionary Tale That Elizabeth Taylor Has Taught Us All
Girl to friends: I mean, think about it: a girl that's pretty now could be ugly in ten years.
Crested Butte, Colorado
Overheard by: Wow.
Mary Kay Letourneau Always Knew What She Wanted
Kid: Woah, you just blew my mind!
Teacher: That's not all I'll blow.
High School
Pennsylvania
Categories: BJs | Education | Kids | Kids | Pennsylvania | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sensory experiences | Students | Teachers | Posted 2010-08-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Next Stop: "Placenta Brain"
Bride-to-be: Oh my god! I'm totally getting wedding-day head!
Friend: Oooh! Is that like before the ceremony or after?
Bride-to-be: Huh?
Groomsman: Does the groom get some head too?
Friend: Hell no! That shit stops once they're married!
Bride-to-be: What? Oh my god, you guys! I meant I'm getting nervous!
Chicago, Illinois
Also Why Ashley from Real Housewives Of New Jersey Has So Many Friends.
Prissy girl on phone: You have a stupid face. You have to be my friend.
Cardiff
Wales
Overheard by: Gordinho
Categories: Body parts | Comebacks | Girls | Insults | On the phone | Stupidity | UK | Posted 2010-08-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Invited Her?
Drunk guy #1: So what you're saying is, we rip the spine out of a dog?
Drunk guy #2: Yeah, but then you put a robotic spine in. You could get a remote-controlled dog.
Drunk guy #1: Shit, we could control its bark function.
Drunk girl: And make it ski.
Leamington Spa
England
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | England | Health & Hygiene | Stupidity | Posted 2010-08-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Thankfully the Stupid Seem to Always Die Off First
Environmental science teacher: What, in your opinion, is the most pressing environmental issue our planet faces today?
Clueless redhead, raising hand unsurely: Is it... The birds?
Environmental science teacher: Excuse me?
Clueless redhead: Isn't there something up with birds? Like, aren't they dying or something?
Environmental science teacher: Um... Thousands of different animals are dying...
Clueless redhead: Oh. I thought it was just birds.
High School
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Animals | Birds | California | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2010-08-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He Was All, "Take, Eat, This Is My Foreboding"
30-something suit: He was like... The Jesus of bad news.
Train Station
Fairfield, Connecticut
Categories: Compare and contrast | Connecticut | Jesus | Suits | Train | Posted 2010-08-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Kinda Like Disney World?
20-something guy: I had a threesome once with two lesbians. They were eating each other's pussies out. It was fun.
20-something girl: You liked it?
20-something guy: I didn't say I liked it. I said it was fun.
Norman, Oklahoma
You'd Think There'd Be a Train
Canadian girl #1 to tour operator: Where can we do tours of Auschwitz?
Tour operator: Um, well, Auschwitz is in Poland, so...
Canadian girl #2: No, but we mean the one the Germans set up for the war. The German one.
Tour operator: Yes, I understand, but they set it up in Poland.
Canadian girl #1, after pause: Are you sure? We came to Berlin just to see it.
Berlin
Germany
Overheard by: Jit
Start With Those Who Have Babies
Older woman to her friend: You just don't ask your mother about your sex life. If you have questions, go ask your friends.
Pigeon Forge, Tennessee
Overheard by: Perplexed
A Lot Of Us Are Asking Ourselves This About Mel Gibson.
Angry woman on cell: That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard! (pause) How are you even still alive?! How is it that the process of natural selection hasn't weeded you out by now? How have you made it this far through life being that stupid?
Sugar Hill, Georgia
Categories: Animals | Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Georgia | Insults | On the phone | Women | Posted 2010-08-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...On the Internet, I Met Someone Who Was All Three!
Girl #1: You should stop meeting guys off the internet so much. They're creepy.
Girl #2: The internet is the best place to meet people. I met a rapist at a job interview, a pimp at the airport, and a pedophile at church.
Norman, Oklahoma
Categories: Bonding | Compare and contrast | Girls | Internet | Jobs & Careers | Oklahoma | Religion | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Just Like Peeing on Sticks
Mom: So tell me the truth. Was that your pregnancy test dad found in the trash?
Daughter: Jesus Christ, mom! No!
Mom: Okay, well, I just wanted to...
Daughter, interrupting: I wish it was my test! At least then I'd be having a good time!
YMCA
Nashville, Tennessee
Wouldn't That Require the Right to Bear Arms?
Pleasant English lady in line at checkout: Whoever invented all these human rights should be shot!
Scott Air Force Base
St. Clair County, Illinois
Overheard by: Ninjamedic
I Stay Vegan One Day at a Time
Man working in garden: Let me tell you, bacon is the gateway meat.
Community Garden
Boulder, Colorado
Overheard by: omh
Categories: Colorado | Compare and contrast | Food | Guys | Posted 2010-08-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Presenting: the Difference Between Straight and Really Straight
Guy #1, wiping sweat off forehead: Dude, if we hook up with any o' these broads tonight, there's no way we could go down on them.
Guy #2, slamming rest of his drink: Well, maybe you wouldn't. Personally, I don't mind a little gravy on the roast beef.
Guy #1: Jesus, that's fuckin' sick, man! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Six Degrees Bar
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Big D
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Comebacks | Drinking & drunks | Food | Guys | Illinois | Insults | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Questions | Posted 2010-08-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Goodness, Just Look at the Time!
Tanorexic blonde on date: So basically the fucking doctor told me that my cervix is fucked up.
Uncomfortable-looking date: Right...
Tanorexic blonde on date: Yeah. Cunt told me that it'd be like pushing a baby through a toothpaste tube. I gotta go get it widened or some shit like that. Or that thing where they cut you open...
Uncomfortable-looking date: A caesarian?
Tanorexic blonde on date: Yeah. That's it. Baby kebab.
Leamington Spa
England
Categories: Anorexics | Body parts | Compare and contrast | Couples | England | Food | Health & Hygiene | Kids | Pregnancy | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just When You Think Canadia Can't Get Any Cooler
Eight-year-old girl, incredulously: You slept with him?
Schoolyard
Canadia
Overheard by: awesomepossum
Don't You Mean "Fabulous"?
Five-year-old boy to mom: Does it feel weird to have a vagina?
Mom: Well, I've had one my whole life, so it feels normal to me.
Five-year-old boy: I wish I knew what it felt like to have one!
Mom: I'm pretty sure you'll be a member of the LGBT community anyway, so maybe you'll find out.
Five-year-old boy: What's LGBT?
Mom: You'll find out soon enough, honey.
Five-year-old boy: That sounds really cool!
Roseville, California
Overheard by: Nature vs Nurture
Why You Shouldn't Wait to Have Sex 'til Marriage
Med student #1: You broke up with her because of a facial expression?
Med student #2: Man, if you saw her "o" face you'd would've done the same. (makes contorted face with mouth wide open)
Med student #1: Oh, hell yeah... that's some ugly shit to come to.
Med student #2: I would have never been able to get off... and all those sounds!
Med student #1: Sexy?
Med student #2: Jungle. Primal.
School of Medicine
University of Maryland
Overheard by: Mykl
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Maryland | Questions | Relationships | Sensory experiences | Students | Posted 2010-08-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Which Means "I Know"
Flighty girl: People always tell me I'm pretty. Like all the time. Even when I was little, people would say "Oh, you're so pretty!" I used to say "I know" but now I say "thank you."
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Nahtay
Categories: Beauty | Bragging | Girls | Washington, DC | Posted 2010-08-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Show Could've Used More Salt
Mother to child: Mary*, what was your favorite part of the show?
Child, eating pretzel: This pretzel!
Mother's friend: Of course it is.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Bruce Banner
Categories: Food | Kids | Moms | Pennsylvania | Questions | Posted 2010-08-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wait, Did You Just Say "Cock Clock"?
Guy #1: I hate Dylan*, he's such a cock clock, you should hear what he did.
Guy #2, first loudly then quietly: No, I've got a story for you! (mumbles story really quietly then gets loud again) So, I mean, it wasn't rape, she totally wanted it, she just happened to fall asleep in the middle.
Guy #1: I don't think this conversation is really appropriate at Burger King, there's kids around.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Brit-ta-nee
And Apparently You're Not the Only One Who Wants to Know
Tall girlfriend: Where did Batman go to college?
Tall boyfriend: That may be the best question ever asked.
Target
Milford, Connecticut
Categories: Connecticut | Couples | Education | Pop culture | Questions | Stores | Posted 2010-08-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If Aesop Wrote Fables in Chicago
Woman: I wish I hadn't had hooters for breakfast!
Fitting Room
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
You Know It's Creepy When You Call Your Mom That, Right?
Guy going on holidays to friend: If the opportunity presents itself, could you please not fuck my girlfriend?
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Friends | Guys | Holidays | Infidelity | Offers and requests | Sex | Posted 2010-08-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
There Was an Unfortunate Incident With Jeffrey at Toys Я Us
Girl #1: I mean, there are those people who pretend to be so moral, and then you find out they're, like, fucking a giraffe.
Girl #2, laughing: Ew! That's disgusting.
Girl #3: Seriously, though, hypocrites suck.
Girl #2: But what would that feel like?
Girl #1: What, being a hypocrite?
Girl #2: No... You know... The giraffe.
Girl #3: Ew... Uhm, horrible?
Girl #2: Yeah, you're right.
(five minutes later, in the middle of another topic)
Girl #2: But really, I think it would depend on how old it was.
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: The giraffe.
Girl #1: Are you still thinking about fucking a giraffe?!?
Girl #3: We need to make sure she doesn't go to the zoo. That can only end badly.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: that sounds wholly unpleasant
Categories: Age and ageing | Animals | Compare and contrast | Feelings | Girls | Insults | San Francisco | Sex | Posted 2010-08-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If They Don't Perform, You Can Eat Them
Middle-aged guy to 20-something girl: You could hire chickens, they're not union!
BART
San Francisco, California
Categories: Birds | Girls | Guys | Jobs & Careers | San Francisco | Posted 2010-08-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...I'd Prefer Not to Be Thought Of As a Person.
Bad egg in sweater-vest: Gandhi was a Marlboro man, not Newport.
Friend in tight polo: You're the worst sort of person.
Bad egg in sweater-vest: That hurts.
New Haven, Connecticut
Categories: About celebrities | Assholes | Comebacks | Connecticut | Feelings | Friends | Smoking | Posted 2010-08-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or More Accurately, Not Having Sex With White Girls
White student #1: Yeah, it's a good thing I'm not going to that preppy high school anymore.
White student #2: Yeah, I agree.
White student #3: You'd probably still be having sex with white girls.
Deerfield Beach High School
Florida
It Was All, "What Am I, a Fucking Cow?"
Redneck girl: So do you worship cows?
Hindu boy: Yes, that's part of our religion.
Redneck girl: No, I mean you. Do you worship cows?
Hindu boy: Yes! I do, my people do, it's our religion!
Redneck girl: So when you go to church, there's a cow there?
Hindu boy: No, we don't go to church.
Redneck girl: Have you ever gone cow-tipping?
Hindu boy: What's that?
Redneck girl: It's when you run up to a cow in the middle of the night and push it over and it goes "mooooooooo!" I tried to tip a horse once, too, but it just looked at me.
High School
North Carolina
Categories: Animals | Girls | Guys | North Carolina | Questions | Rednecks | Religion | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Posted 2010-08-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Grasshoppers Always Think They're Cooler Than Ants
20-something suit: They act like they are advancing and getting ahead just because they are always on time. I said "whatever, I'm still cooler than you."
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: An overachiever
Categories: Compare and contrast | Illinois | Suits | Time Management | Posted 2010-08-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Shuts Himself Off Like C-3PO
Girl #1: Vern's breaking down.
Girl #2: Who?
Girl #1: My car.
Girl #2: Oh. I was worried there for a second.
Bellingham, Washington
Categories: Girls | Names | Technology | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, We Will Be Running Around in Diapers Before We Know It.
Older woman: Want to go see the movie Babies tonight at 7:30?
Older man: Mmmmmmmmmmmm...
Older woman: It's too late for it to inspire us!
Coffee Shop
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Greg
Competition for Upper Class Twit Of the Year Heats Up
Skinny ginger guy: Oh, don't over-egg the omelet!
Gorgeous girl: Uh... Omelets are mainly made of egg...?
Skinny ginger guy: Just because you wear glasses and go to university you think you're so smart. Well you're not. Because you're a girl! Nerrrrrrrrr!
Nottingham
England
Overheard by: Concerned_citizen
Categories: Comebacks | Education | England | Food | Gender issues | Girls | Guys | Skinny people | Posted 2010-08-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Is That in the Rules Somewhere?
Girl #1 to guy: Oh, shut up! Be nice to me! I'm marrying your brother! Which means I'm gonna be like your sister!
Girl #2 to guy: Which means you won't be able to have sex with her anymore!
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Compare and contrast | Family ties | Girls | Guys | Illinois | Relationships | Sex | Posted 2010-08-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Also How He Chooses a House Of Worship.
20-something guy, entering taqueria with friends: There better be a midget in a sombrero offering me salsa as soon as I get in the door, or I'm gonna be pissed.
San Francisco, Calfornia
Overheard by: Alex
Categories: Food | Friends | Guys | Restaurants | San Francisco | Stupidity | Threats | Weirdness | Posted 2010-08-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
At Least We Have the Alt-world Version
Girl #1: I was so disappointed when I found out Neil Patrick Harris is gay!
Girl #2: I know, right?
Girl #1: It's such a loss for womankind!
Girl #2: Men don't deserve him!
Women's Dressing Room
Western Michigan University
Categories: About celebrities | Colleges & Universities | Gender issues | Girls | Gripes | Michigan | Sexuality | Posted 2010-08-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
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