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May 2010 Archives
On the Plus Side, When I Get There, I Can Make Pie!
20-something girl: I am so bad with directions. I can't find my way around anywhere.
20-something guy: That's because you're a woman.
20-something girl: Way to be sexist! (long pause) But yeah, you're probably right.
Cardinal Stritch University
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Gender issues | Girls | Guys | Sexuality | Wisconsin | Posted 2010-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Don't Know-- Are You Thinking Of Asking Me to Prom?
Sane-looking girl: Okay, so let's say that your boyfriend died a while back, right? Then he comes back as a zombie, like a real walking corpse. But he doesn't want to eat your brains or anything, he just wants to graduate high school and be your boyfriend again so he can go to prom with you. So, do you take him back?
Boy: Um... Has this actually happened to you?
High School Cafeteria
West Virginia
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Death & dying | Education | Girls | Guys | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Weirdness | West Virginia | Wishes | Zombies | Posted 2010-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Where Kids from Band Camp End Up: Explained.
Female violinist, after conductor walks past: Do you ever want to slap Dr. Muller*'s ass? Cause I almost just did.
Female cellist: He has a doctorate in orchestral conducting.
Female violinist: And an ass I want to tap right now.
College Orchestra Tour Bus
Clive, Iowa
Divine Intervention?
20-something girl to friend: Why are there needles in my bible?
Orlando, Florida
Your Editors Will Never Understand Southern Sexual Slang
Woman on cell: You know she's only talkin' to him cause he's got a tractor in the tractor pull.
Culpeper, Virginia
Categories: On the phone | Relationships | Virginia | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...How's Your Relationship with Your Grandma?
Girl on cell: So, like, I refused her. I told her I'm not friends with whores.
Salisbury, Maryland
Categories: Girls | Insults | Maryland | On the phone | Relationships | Posted 2010-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Blame Sex & the City for This Conversation
Fun date #1: I hate it when guys want to cum on your face every time.
Fun date #2: Yeah, it gets in your eyes.
Fun date #1: And in your hair.
Fun date #3: Once in a while is okay, but not every time.
Outside Coffee Shop
Harrisonburg, Virginia
Overheard by: browny
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Body parts | Cum | Friends | Gripes | Time Management | Virginia | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And What About Cars?
Ditzy American girl: You're from Scotland?
Scottish girl: Yeah.
Ditzy American girl: So do they have like... Ducks over there?
Orlando, Florida
Of Course, I Also Thought She'd Be Giving Birth in Prison...
Girl #1: I never thought I'd be a mom at 23! See you later! (walks away)
Girl #2, to girl #3: I thought she would be.
Canadia
Categories: Age and ageing | Canadia | Girls | Parenting | Posted 2010-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Going to Congress!
Student to friend: Just put the rape stick in the alcohol bag.
American University
Washington, DC
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Drinking & drunks | Friends | Students | Violence | Washington, DC | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Mean, You Have to Have Priorities, Right?
Female health care professional: I was taking prenatal vitamins, but it made my hair grow really fast, and when I bleached my hair and it grew out too fast it looked really bad, so I stopped taking them.
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Employees | Hair | Health & Hygiene | Washington | Posted 2010-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Only a Good Friend Would Say That, Stacy
Sad girl: So we broke up and I started crying, and I told him to leave and he was like "can we still watch Star Wars?"
Short haired girl: It's not even that good a movie!
Allegheny College
Meadville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Amused
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Girls | Movies | Offers and requests | Pennsylvania | Relationships | Posted 2010-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Was All, "But I'm Texting You!"
Young college girl #1: How was your date last night?
Young college girl #2: Okay. I don't think I'm going out with him again, though.
Young college girl #1: Why?
Young college girl #2: He was weird. He asked me to quit texting while we were having dinner.
Young college girl #1: Rude!
Starbuck's
Fayetteville, Arkansas
Categories: Arkansas | Bars & Clubs | Offers and requests | Questions | Relationships | Sorority types | Texting | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Would We Call It a "Barf Book" or a "Ralph Rag"?
Party girl #1: I totally puked at that party last night. I'm going to make a scrapbook of all the parties I have puked at.
Party girl #2: That would be awesome! You definitely have enough for a scrapbook or two!
IHOP
Dallas, Texas
Categories: Girls | Health & Hygiene | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Steak Knives Are Much More Effective.
Mommy: Let's not attack mommy with a fork.
Salem, Oregon
Overheard by: lauraf
SpongeBob? Absolutely.
Ghetto girl on phone, angrily: Yeah, well, I bet he's just lollygagging somewhere with his grandma!
22 Bus
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Family ties | Girls | Massachusetts | On the phone | Time Management | Posted 2010-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Always Give Your Pets Such Unique Names!
Teen girl on cell: Yes, well, there's excitement, plateau, orgasm... and I forget the last one.
99 Bus
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | On the phone | Orgasm | Sensory experiences | Sex | Teens | Posted 2010-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Like "Always Have a Cigarette After Cocktails"
Woman to screaming toddler in her arms: I'm not going to let you down unless you hold my hand. Are you going to hold my hand?
(toddler screams something unintelligible)
Woman: I'm sorry, I don't make the rules. They're the rules of the President of the United States of America.
Outlet Mall
Leesburg, Virginia
Gosh, You're Such a Luke.
Guy: And then I'll go home and watch Gilmore Girls. (awkward silence) I mean something manly.
London
England
Overheard by: ohdear
Categories: Gender issues | Guys | Sexuality | TV shows | UK | Posted 2010-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
British Cooking: Further Explained
30-something woman on phone: So I pulled it out of my vagina, and that was that. Shame.
Hull
England
Categories: On the phone | UK | Vagina | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Won't That Hurt?
Middle aged woman to another: I swear, they're going to make us work till we're Protestant!
Cork
Ireland
Categories: Christianity | Ireland | Jobs & Careers | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She's All, "This Party Smells Like Salami"
Party goer #1: That girl is wasted.
Party goer #2: Which one?
Party goer #1: The one with the blue shirt and lip ring.
Party goer #2: That's not a lip ring, she's got a piece of meat stuck to her face.
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Tim
That Corner Is the En Suite Bathroom, Hon
American tourist male: It must have been horrible being locked up in a place like that.
American tourist female: It couldn't have been that bad. They had to at least let them out to go to the bathroom.
Dungeon Cell
Tower of London
England
Overheard by: fnordy
Categories: Compare and contrast | Crimes | Tourists | UK | Posted 2010-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yet You Won't Swallow Your Husband's Semen?
Middle-aged woman with dog: Oh, she peed on my foot. That's your pee. That's your love juice. Did you put your love juice on me? You gave me your love juice.
Woman's friend: It's on your shirt now.
Middle-aged woman: Oh, she pissed on my shirt? It's okay, it's just love juice. Come here, stinks. Come here, stinky. It's just pee. Come, gimme kisses, stink-stink.
Woman's friend: Here, maybe you should let me hold her.
Middle-aged woman, hissing: Get away from my stinky! She gave me her love juice, not you.
Starbucks
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Pips
Categories: Animals | Body parts | California | Feelings | Friends | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Pee | Questions | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2010-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Not Ready for 3D TV
Blonde, on childbirth: Well, there's blood, and there are vaginas, and both make people uncomfortable.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Categories: Girls | Health & Hygiene | Vagina | Wisconsin | Posted 2010-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can Unprotected Sex Do That?
Home girl #1: Ay, foo, I thought I was pregnant!
Home girl #2: Oh, nahh!
Home girl #1: Yeah! Junior was all "Ay, you got your period yet or what?" and I was all "no, why?" and he goes "because I was tryn' to get you pregnant!" Chhh! Crazy huh?
CSULA Cafeteria
California
Overheard by: Itshahaholly
Categories: Bars & Clubs | California | Girls | Pregnancy | Questions | Relationships | Posted 2010-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
With Each Revelation, the Female Mystery Only Deepens
Blind old lady to old lady friend: Oh my, you started peeing so fast.
Old lady friend: Yes, it's because I stand up.
Blind old lady: Ohhhh...
Old lady friend: Yes, not a lot of women know how to stand up, you know.
Blind old lady: Yes, that's true. My mother used to stand.
CSULA Women's Bathroom
California
Overheard by: itshahaholly
Categories: California | Disabled | Friends | Gender issues | Old folks | Parenting | Pee | Restroom | Posted 2010-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Use Birth Control
Woman to friend: So I killed three of them already. I guess that means I should lose some weight.
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: corey
Kirk Cameron: "No."
Student in library: Could you forget that Jesus died for your sins for like five minutes?
Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Death & dying | Jesus | Massachusetts | Offers and requests | Students | Posted 2010-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why "Special" Classes Exist.
Teacher: Why are you guys talking back there?
Student: Oh, Roy*'s just talking to his eraser.
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Education | Students | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors Are a Bit Worried About the Lard
Culinary student #1: I could really go for some duck stuffed with foie.
Culinary student #2: And lard? And berries? (pause) I'll masturbate to that tonight. I hate you!
Culinary student #1, defensively: I live with you, I know your poultry!
Stockholm
Sweden
Categories: Food | Gripes | Masturbation | Students | Sweden | Posted 2010-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now If Only I Could Marry Louis Vuitton
Really skinny sorority girl: I paid my rent and then I spent the rest, $700, on this new Louis Vuitton (squeals and hugs the purse). But now I have 30 bucks to last a whole month. Looks like I'll be dating for dinner or eating crackers.
Sorority friend: You spent twice as much on your bag as you did your rent! At least you paid your rent on time! Don't worry, you'll find dates. That purse is totally worth it!
Really skinny sorority girl: I know, right, I should just live in my purse. I think that is why married women get fat: they can finally afford to eat. You know my ass is getting fat when I get married.
IHOP
Dallas, Texas
Categories: Ass | Diet & weight | Fashion | Food | Friends | Money | Relationships | Shopping | Skinny people | Sorority types | Texas | Posted 2010-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Don't Know Degradation 'til You Go Into Retail
Scruffy hipster dude on cell: I'm tired of selling sex. I just want to sell jeans... Or something along those lines.
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Clothes | Hipsters | On the phone | Sex | Washington | Wishes | Posted 2010-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's the First Thing I Can Remember
Young teen girl: So he fucked both your mums, and that's how you two are related?
Boy #1: Yeah.
Boy #2: But he didn't start fucking my mum till after she had me.
Bus
Wollongong
Australia
Overheard by: definately not related
Categories: Australia | Bus | Family ties | Questions | Sex | Teens | Time Management | Posted 2010-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Know, Eminem.
30-something guy: I can't speak English, but my prose is fuckin' smooth.
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: hb
Categories: Compare and contrast | Guys | Language barrier | Massachusetts | Posted 2010-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Is That Slang for "Gays," You Bigot?
Large female tourist in plaid bermuda shorts: You know what's wrong with California? Too many windows!
Quincy Market
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Isotope Feeney
Categories: Fat people | Massachusetts | Questions | Stupidity | Tourists | Posted 2010-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...So I Take Drugs
Guy: You've got to listen to your body.
Gal: But my body's such a whiny bitch.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Stephan Zielinski
Categories: Advice | Body parts | Girls | Guys | Insults | San Francisco | Posted 2010-05-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What With Original Sin and So Forth
Son: I just feel so filthy after I go on the T. Can I please have some hand sanitizer, father?
Father: (silently hands it to son)
Son: Am I being paranoid?
Father: You're not being paranoid, Jonathan, you're being practical.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Laura
Categories: Dads | Family | Fears | Feelings | Health & Hygiene | Massachusetts | Offers and requests | Parenting | Posted 2010-05-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Never Drink With Master Debaters, Dear Reader
Guy among friends: This conversation is too logical for me.
Bar
Norway
...This Is My Cardio.
Butcher, holding up mallet: Do you want me to tenderize that for you?
Customer: Oh, no, that's okay, thanks.
Butcher: Please?
Adelaide Central Market
Australia
He's a Savory Savior
Guy to girl in bar: What did you have, some of that Blood of Christ?
Girl: Yeah!
Guy: Yeah?!
Girl: Yeah! It's yummy!
Bar
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: Jill
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Girls | Guys | Jesus | Nebraska | Sensory experiences | Posted 2010-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Did I Not Put My Tit in Your Coffee This Very Morning?
Older man: Let's go to that bikini coffee shop!
Younger woman: What? What?
Older man: It's a coffee shop where women with self esteem issues wear bikinis and serve... coffee. What's not to get?
Younger woman: Fuck you.
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Clothes | Food | Guys | Insults | Offers and requests | Washington | Women | Posted 2010-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Is This Sexual Harassment? Discuss.
Male English teacher to female student: You know, for the last 30 minutes I've been thinking of... The holy city that is your face.
High School
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: ShouldThisBeReported?
Categories: Body parts | Compliments | Education | Georgia | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Teachers | Posted 2010-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If It Doesn't Happen Soon, We'll Get the Sack for Sure.
Male teacher to another: Hey, I still haven't gotten those wiener cages from you.
High School
West Linn, Oregon
Overheard by: scott
Categories: Food | Oregon | Penis | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teachers | Posted 2010-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Worst. Feel-Good Movie. Ever.
Teenage girl on cell, with happy look on face: And I kept at it until it was the artichoke it was always meant to be!
Del Mar Fairgrounds
San Diego County, California
Categories: California | Food | On the phone | Teens | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He Keeps Muttering About My Becoming Self-Supporting
Teen girl: My dad bought me an iPhone but he took it away when he found my pot. I'm so pissed.
Emo teen: You live in Portland. Either you're gay, you enjoy molesting children, or you do every drug available for free. Or all of the above. What the hell does he expect of you?
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Cell phones | Drugs | Family ties | Kids | Oregon | Sexuality | Teens | Posted 2010-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Although There's Nothing Worse Than a Goat with the Munchies.
Hipster girl #1: Those are nice (points at earrings), where did you get them?
Hipster girl #2: Oh, I stole these. I only steal earrings, for some reason. So did your parents ever get those goats for their farm?
Hipster girl #1: Not yet, but my mom said they're going to start growing pot.
Hipster girl #2: That's cool.
Cafe
Durham, North Carolina
Overheard by: Vincent Ignatius
Categories: Animals | Bars & Clubs | Compliments | Crimes | Drugs | Family ties | Fashion | Hipsters | North Carolina | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Babies Love LSD Orgies, Right?
Guy to hugely pregnant woman: There's a party Saturday--you should come after you give birth.
Princeton, New Jersey
Overheard by: pie
Categories: Guys | New Jersey | Offers and requests | Preggers | Pregnancy | Posted 2010-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And They Pay Me for It!
20-something girl: I love hairdressing, it's the best job. I get to talk about me all day long to everybody!
City Bus
Sydney
Australia
Overheard by: Rose
Categories: Australia | Bus | Girls | Hair | Jobs & Careers | Posted 2010-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What Happens When You Get Free Coffee at Work
Female barista: He's going to Tel Aviv or something. I don't even know where that is.
Male barista: Tel Aviv?
Female barista: Yeah, it's like in Egypt or something, I think.
Male barista: Oh, wait, no, that's the tv station.
Female barista: What?
Male barista: Yeah, it's like their version of the BBC.
Starbucks
Orinda, California
Categories: Baristas | Bars & Clubs | California | Geography | Stupidity | TV shows | Posted 2010-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Too Much, Too Much!
Overzealous personal trainer to neophyte trainee: Touch yourself in the butt!
Gym
West Long Branch, New Jersey
Overheard by: Robert
Categories: Ass | New Jersey | Students | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You've Never Done Your Own Taxes Before, Have You?
Lady walking out of an alley to man: I can't do it now, I'd have to take my shoes off and I'm not wearing any underwear.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: Ambroziak
Categories: California | Guys | Shoes | Undies | Women | Posted 2010-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Marijuana Wouldn't Be Any Fun Without It.
History professor: In New York the exit signs are red. They're like, "Fire! Get out!" In California the exit signs are green. They're like, "Dude, if you wanna get out, cool. If you like fire, if that's your thing, that's okay, too."
Aurora, Illinois
Categories: Compare and contrast | Illinois | Teachers | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
One Of Your Editors Is Wearing a Cheers Sweatshirt-- True Story.
Guy to cab driver: I just want to go where nobody knows my name.
Cab driver: You mean Cheers, "where everybody knows your name"?
Guy: No.
Logan Airport
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Airports & flights | Conductors | Guys | Massachusetts | Names | Wishes | Posted 2010-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's a Tale As Old As Time...
Father to teen daughter: We've got the rubber suits, but we're out of talcum powder!
Concord, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Emma W.
Categories: Cleanliness | Clothes | Dads | Massachusetts | Teens | Posted 2010-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Little Kids These Days Are Snottier Than Ever
Man to two-year-old daughter: I drew a face with eyes, nose and mouth. Can you tell me what's missing?
Two-year-old daughter: The boogers in the nose!
Faulconbridge
Australia
What Orgies at Nursing Homes Sound Like
Girl: Do you have selective hearing?
Guy: No, I just really like this sandwich.
St. Peter's College
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Food | Girls | Guys | Health & Hygiene | New Jersey | Questions | Posted 2010-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And When Did "Baby Got Back" Become a Wedding Song?
Black 20-something guy to friend: Sir Mix-a-Lot killed more black people in the 90s than heart disease and Aids combined.
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: I know his pain
Categories: Arizona | Black people | Compare and contrast | Friends | Maladies | Murder | Race | Posted 2010-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And Selling Them on eBay!
Stoner #1: Hey, have you seen Jim* lately?
Stoner #2: No, man, I don't hang out with him no more.
Stoner #3: Why not?
Stoner #2: He kept stealing my Skittles!
Public Library
Eugene, Oregon
Plus I Feel a Little Gay Riding a Log
Intimidating black man on log flume: This ain't no romantic cruise!
Busch Gardens, Florida
Categories: Black people | Comebacks | Feelings | Florida | Thugs | Posted 2010-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You'll Never Find Love With Food in Your Teeth
Hobo: Do you know what the world needs more of?
Coffee employee: Love?
Hobo: Nope, toothpicks... but love was a good guess.
Sacramento, California
Categories: California | Cleanliness | Employees | Feelings | Health & Hygiene | Hobos | Questions | Posted 2010-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dude, When You Go to Work You're Totally Gonna Shit
High school freshman #1: Sometimes I wish I didn't live somewhere so industrialized. Why can't I live somewhere where people are hunters and gatherers?
High school freshman #2: I know, we waste so much time in school getting an "education." I could learn so much more out in the world.
High school freshman #1: Yeah, and I don't understand why people go to work and shit.
Train Station
Chicago, Illinois
A Gay Man Who Looks at a Straight Man Sees Only His Anima
Young gay guy #1: Dude! You were like so throwing yourself at him. What happened?
Young gay guy #2: I think he's a lesbian.
College of Western Idaho
Overheard by: Another lesbian traped in a mans body
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Idaho | Queers | Questions | Sexuality | Posted 2010-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...of Death!
20-something girl looking at picture: Isn't he so hot with his nunchucks?"
20-something guy friend: Those are called "muttonchops."
Bar
Connecticut
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Beauty | Connecticut | Friends | Girls | Guys | Hair | Words | Posted 2010-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Make-a-Wish Foundation Failed to Return Her Calls
Teenage girl: You know what I wish I had?
Teenage boy, not paying attention: Uh-huh.
Teenage girl: A penis... I'd just go shoving it into people's butts.
Teenage boy: Wait... What?
Teenage girl, whispering to herself: I wish I had a penis.
Bus
Ottawa
Canadia
Probably All Those Vaccinations
Guy: They might be autistic, but that doesn't mean they don't want to have gay sex with children.
New Britain, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Grace
Categories: Assholes | Guys | Pennsylvania | Sex | Stupidity | Posted 2010-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Best. Reality Competition. Ever.
19-year-old girl on phone in dorm: I have two weeks to have children. I only have one egg left!
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Categories: Girls | Health & Hygiene | Michigan | On the phone | Pregnancy | Time Management | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mr. Woods Has Nothing to Fear From Me
Loud woman in restaurant: I'm discreet! My ad says I am!
Merrifield, Virginia
Overheard by: Ihatewhores
What Prevented You?
Girl on phone: I got two pairs of pants, a shirt, and I almost bought a beaver.
Boone, North Carolina
Categories: Animals | Clothes | Girls | North Carolina | On the phone | Shopping | Posted 2010-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As Seen in Drilling Miss Daisy
Girl, flabbergasted: Everyone's birthday is in March?
Boyfriend: Yeah. My grandma's birthday is in June. It's the only time she really has sex. It's her birthday present.
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Couples | Family ties | New Jersey | Sex | Posted 2010-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Does Everyone Keep Telling Me That?
Guy with soul patch: Don't German people always drive at 200 miles an hour all the time?
Girl in front row, sarcastically: I think you mean 200 kilometers per hour.
Guy with soul patch: It doesn't matter, they're the same thing!
Professor, calmly: If I go crazy and start a killing spree, you'll be the first one I get.
George Washington University
Washington, DC
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Death & dying | Education | Stupidity | Teachers | Washington, DC | Words | Posted 2010-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Was Just in a Coma.
Mom: You know, I necked in that funeral home.
Daughter: Mom!
Mom: Oh, honey, it wasn't with a corpse or anything. It was a preacher's son!
West Virginia
Categories: Memory lane | Moms | Religion | Sex | Virginia | Posted 2010-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Eh, You'd Say Just About Anything for a Slice.
Bogan girlfriend: You don't loves me! You don't loves me!
Bogan boyfriend: What do you mean I don't loves you? I fucks you and buys you a pie!
Armidale
Australia
We're Too Aroused to Think Straight
Women studies professor, during discussion about nymphomaniacs: Ladies, are there any of you who are in a constant state of arousal?
Class: (uncomfortable silence)
Professor: Let me rephrase that. Are you constantly ready to engage in sex?
Student, alarmed: Professor, I don't think any of us are comfortable with answering this question.
Saint Peter's College
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Colleges & Universities | New Jersey | Questions | Sexuality | Stupidity | Teachers | Women | Posted 2010-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Until Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Lecturer, laughing manically: Okay, guys! I promise that is the last time I will mention poop this semester. (under her breath) Probably.
Film Class
Perth
Australia
Meet Australia's Only Posh Lady
Posh lady in loud voice: And then they ran out of mineral water! I was devastated... Devastated.
Tilley's Cafe
Canberra
Australia
Overheard by: Trish
Categories: Australia | Bars & Clubs | Feelings | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2010-05-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Magic Night Cletus Met Brandine
Male redneck: You can come over, but you can't be shittin' in my bathroom.
(female redneck is silent)
Male redneck: Seriously... I like you and all, but I don't know you good enough for you to be stankin' up my bathroom.
(they leave together)
Project Lounge
Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: these are the people who get to have sex?
Categories: Mississippi | Poop | Rednecks | Relationships | Posted 2010-05-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...As Is Jewish Custom.
20-something girl on cell: She washed all the fruit before putting it into the bowl. (pause) We're gonna need a medium-sized male stripper to go along with it, also.
NJ Transit
New Jersey
Categories: Fruit | New Jersey | On the phone | Sexuality | Posted 2010-05-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I've Got a Case for Her
Guy to friend looking at beer: Yeah, I better get some if she's coming over. She's the only girl I've ever been with that can drink more than me. Which is kinda scary... and kinda hot.
New Castle, Indiana
Categories: Compare and contrast | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Indiana | Sexuality | Posted 2010-05-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Need Some Whacking Material for Later
50-something guy #1: My new girlfriend is twenty years younger than me.
50-something guy #2: You going to marry her?
50-something guy #1: No. I had that talk with her at the very beginning.
50-something guy #2: You got any nude photos of her on your phone?
Health Club Locker Room
Shawnee Mission, Kansas
Categories: Age and ageing | Assholes | Guys | Kansas | Porn | Relationships | Restroom | Posted 2010-05-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'd Still Buy the Wii Version.
Guy, mournfully: Tiger fights are so generic now...
Westwood, California
Categories: Animals | California | Gripes | Guys | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They're Like the IPhones Of People!
Tall black girl with fauxhawk: I don't know why everyone doesn't have an Asian fetish! They're pocket sized and stunning!
New Haven, Connecticut
Categories: Beauty | Black people | Connecticut | Fashion | Hair | Posted 2010-05-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Here, I'm Using Sarcasm to Make a Teaching Point
Political science professor: Our president is black. Some of you may have noticed this. Some of you probably haven't yet.
California State University
San Marcos, California
Overheard by: I knew it
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Politics | Race | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2010-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
All Of Hef's Kids Have Asked This at Least Once
Little boy: Mommy, can we go back to the giant trampoline where you said you saw sexy daddy?
Sedona, Arizona
Overheard by: J
Categories: Arizona | Names | Parenting | Should have used a condom | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Minus the Herpes
Tall, redhead girl: I'm worried that people are getting a little too comfortable being pantless around me.
Petite, indian girl: I wish I was you...
Massachusetts
Categories: Girls | Massachusetts | Sexuality | Wishes | Posted 2010-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Wrote the Ass Off That Story
Guy: So, it's like, there's ski equipment strewn everywhere on the ground. I wrote a story about it, with descriptions and metaphors and shit.
Boone, North Carolina
Categories: Guys | North Carolina | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2010-05-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gangsta Stackable
College kid #1: You know what would be tight? If we got some of those plastic containers from Ikea.
College kid #2: Oh yeah, that shit's stackable, yo.
Subway
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Guys | Massachusetts | Train | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-05-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Some Top-Drawer Fucking Right There
TA: I fucked that little guy from my class again. But I left a drawer in my desk open. He found a Sudafed and I came.
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Categories: Getting off | Health & Hygiene | Massachusetts | Sex | Teachers | Posted 2010-05-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
At Some Point, One Gets Full Of TV
Middle-aged woman: What's on TV tonight?
Middle-aged man: I think Chuck is.
Middle-aged woman: Oh, do we watch that?
Middle-aged man: I don't know.
Boone, North Carolina
Categories: Couples | North Carolina | Questions | TV shows | Posted 2010-05-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They Do Only Two Things, and Neither Very Well
High school girl to friend: You know what I hate? Cocks.
Friend: I know! They're so annoying.
California
Categories: California | Girls | Gripes | Penis | Posted 2010-05-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Hoe!
Weird emo girl: I've still got bruises from the first time she hit me with a wheelbarrow!
Bridgwater College
Somerset
England
Categories: Colleges & Universities | England | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Violence | Posted 2010-05-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Marriage Gives a Man a Whole New Skillset
Woman: I am your woman!
Man: I'm my own woman!
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: David Wayne Reed
Stop Wearing That Lavender Perfume and We'll Revisit the Issue, Okay?
20-something girl to gay male friend: It really creeps me out when you call me "grandma" when we do drugs together.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: MuffinW
Categories: California | Drugs | Fag hags | Family ties | Names | Queers | Posted 2010-05-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then Do the Romantic Thing and Sell It on the Internet
Ditzy teen girl to ditzy friend: Oh my god! I would never be able to live with myself if I died before I lost my virginity!
High School
Springwood
Australia
Categories: Australia | Death & dying | Girls | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Stupidity | Virginity | Posted 2010-05-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...By Lying
Guy #1: I was supposed to interview my grandma for my sociology project, but I didn't. I'm going to have to like, make up her life right now.
Guy #2: Why didn't you interview her?
Guy #1: Well, she lives in Oregon, and you know, the time change...
Guy #2: Dude, there's no time change from here to Oregon.
Guy #1: I know that, shut up! I'm trying to make myself feel better.
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Beatrice
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Guys | Lies | US Geography | Washington | Posted 2010-05-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ignorance + Ignorance = Ignorance
Girl: So I hear that all Puerto Rican women are like models.
Guy: What?
Girl: Like they're all really hot and stuff.
Guy: I'm sure some are...
Girl: Yeah, they are, and they wear like thongs and stuff for underwear too.
Guy: I always heard Puerto Rican women were fat.
Girl: No, that's Hawaiian women.
Guy: Oh.
Lecture Hall
University of Alabama at Birmingham
Categories: Alabama | Beauty | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Girls | Guys | Stupidity | Posted 2010-05-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Is Long Island, Bitch!
Composition professor: So, by the way, this is how your do the top of the paper--title, dash, name, just like this paper here. I don't want a four-page paper which is three and a half pages long, with a half-page heading.
Student: But it's standard MLA citation practice for that heading to be like that.
Professor: Fuck MLA.
Hofstra University
Long Island, New York
Overheard by: I hate MLA
The Grocery Store Is to Me What Internet Porn Is to Your Father
Son: Mom, can we get something?
Mom: No.
Son: Can we get some Life Savers?
Mom: No.
(son walks over with five Hershey bars)
Son: These?
Mother: No. And if I bought them, I'd eat them all in front of you.
Rocky River, Ohio
Overheard by: Beanah
Then They Blew Each Other
High school girls: Then Mr Jones* said "if anybody knows an easy-23-year old, let me know." and Jeff* told him "dude if I knew an easy 23-year-old, I wouldn't tell you."
Bus
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Bus | Canadia | Girls | Offers and requests | Sexuality | Posted 2010-05-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
One Look at Dee Snider Will Tell You How Right You Are.
Girl #1: Twisted Sister? Ew! Gross!
Girl #2: What is that? I've never heard of it, it is gross?
Girl #1: I don't know either, I just watched a ton of porn this morning so I keep thinking of things in the dirtiest way possible. Ewww.
Calgary
Alberta
Canadia
It's Like Using Sarcasm on a Child, Right?
Father to son spending too long to wipe off boo boo with blankie: Do you know the definition of insanity?
Four-year-old son: Yes.
Mount Vernon, New York
Ad: The Olympics-- Because Boredom Is Better Than Warfare
Norwegian guy in fake British accent to girl in Olympic volunteer uniform: Excuse me, dear sir, can you direct me to the nearest (pauses for dramatic effect) Olympiad?!
Volunteer girl, pointing toward hot dog stand: That way.
Scotiabank Theatre
Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: You luge you lose!
Categories: Canadia | Foreigners | Questions | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
"Ethics Of Video Games?" Excuse Us.
Ethics of video games professor: And that's why they stoned women in the middle ages. Brunette, whispering: I think he gets off on video games.
Blonde, whispering: Ham?
Brunette, whispering: Him!
Blonde, whispering: I am not a ham!
(both girls start laughing)
Professor: Excuse me?
DePaul University
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Margo
My New Cream Rinse Is Unstoppable!
Jiu-Jitsu guy #1, rolling around and trying to choke the other: Oh, your hair's soft today.
Jiu-Jitsu guy #2: Thanks, I used herbal essence this morning.
Indiana University
Overheard by: Rachel S.
Categories: Beauty | Colleges & Universities | Compliments | Guys | Hair | Indiana | Posted 2010-05-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Being Catholic, We Already Hate Ourselves
Boyfriend to girlfriend: If anyone ever walked in on us having sex, they'd swear we hate each other.
Saint Peter's College
New Jersey
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Hubbies | New Jersey | Sex | Violence | Posted 2010-05-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just As Well-- I'm a Little Fuzzy on the Whole "Bagel" Concept
Customer: Do you have any lox?
Wal-Mart employee: Of course. They're over in hardware.
Customer: No. Lox, like bagels and lox.
Wal-Mart employee: Lots? Lots of bagels?
Customer: I'll just go to Publix.
Wal-Mart
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Heading for Publix, too.
Tonight's Movie: The Long Goodbye
Nurse to elderly woman trying to escape from old folks' home: Come on, ma'am, we need to get you back inside.
Elderly woman: I don't need to get back inside, I need to get home! Rape! Rape!
Christchurch
New Zealand
Sacred Heart Boasts the Naughtiest Librarians in the Land
Librarian: Hello, Justin. I'd shake hands with you but my hands are very sticky.
Sacred Heart University
Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Jesse
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Connecticut | Employees | Hands | Weirdness | Posted 2010-05-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
North Americans Should Feel Grateful for Their Relatively Untroubled History
Girl #1: Oh, are you talking about the skinny little Indian guy?
Girl #2: He's not Indian, he's Burmese.
Girl #1: Huh? You're talking about the skinny Indian guy, right?
Girl #2: Yes, but he's not Indian. He's Burmese. Like from Burma.
Girl #1: Well, who cares? Indian and Burmese are the same thing! That's like saying that Canadians and Americans are different! That's BS! They're not. They're the same thing, except that Canadians are inferior because they play hockey.
Kuala Lumpur
Malaysia
Categories: Compare and contrast | Geography | Girls | Malaysia | Posted 2010-05-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Two or More People, Honey
Ten-year-old: Mom, what's "shagging"?
Mom: Um... It's like shedding. You know, like how the cat sheds hair on the couch?
Four-year-old: No, it's not. It's when two people have sex. Jeez!
Clarksville, Indiana
Ignorance Stops Being Cute After Thirty, Though
Cute girl #1: Who's Hattie?
Cute girl #2: What?
Cute girl #1: Why do we have to help her?
Cute girl #2: You mean Haiti?
Cute girl #1: Yes, who is she?
Cute girl #2: You're so cute!
Dural
Australia
Overheard by: Hatter
The Weight Watcher Points Aren't Even Close
Spanish girl to boy: Sleeping with ten niggas ain't the same thing as sleeping with ten white boys!
High School
Pennsylvania
Categories: Compare and contrast | Foreigners | Pennsylvania | Race | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sex | Posted 2010-05-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Stimulant for Me, a Depressant for Them
Girl #1: What kind of drugs were you on?
Girl #2: I wasn't on drugs!
Girl #1: What kind of drugs do you want to be on?
Girl #2: What kind of drugs do you have?
Girl #1: I have the morning after pill.
Girl #2: That's not a drug.
Girl #1: Yes it is, it kills babies.
Escondido, California
Don't Flirt With the Homeless, Dude
Gay guy to hobo: Good morning. Did you get a hair cut?
Hobo: (mutters about spare change)
Gay guy: I know you got a hair cut! See, if you would have said hi to me, maybe I would have given you a dollar or something! (starts walking down street) Why do people have to be so ignorant on such a sunny day?
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Meater Maid
Categories: Assholes | Bragging | Hobos | Money | Panhandling | Pennsylvania | Queers | Posted 2010-05-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
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