Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
April 2010 Archives
You Can't Get a Job Without Experience You Can Only Get from a Job
Guy #1: I was the second person she ever had sex with.
Guy #2: What!?
Guy #1: I know! And it freaked me out! So I never called her again!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Big B
Categories: Assholes | Illinois | Relationships | Sex | Sexuality | Posted 2010-04-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Seem to Have No Friends, Only Interests
European history professor, discussing WWI: And of course, with Germany's resumption of unrestricted submarine warfare, the United States had its reasons to join the war against Germany.
World-weary student: Not to mention all the loans American bankers needed England and France to win to pay back.
Professor: Some of you are too cynical for your own good.
Montevallo, Alabama
Are You Talking About Elephants?
Guy #1: Put them in the back seat. I've got a bunch of junk in my trunk... Excuse the double meaning.
Guy #2: Double meaning?
Guy #1: I've got junk in my trunk.
Guy #2: I don't get it.
Guy #1: Never mind.
Kroger Parking Lot
Athens, Georgia
I Still Can't Eat Shirred Eggs
Grungy young man, after loudly prattling on about drinking 12 Smirnoffs a day, weed, and massage therapy: I didn't believe in the inner-spiritual plane until I saw my unborn child's soul whisked away.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Anon Y. Mouse
Categories: California | Drinking & drunks | Druggies | Drugs | Drunks | Kids | Parenting | Words | Posted 2010-04-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And If They Get Pregnant, Where's the Harm?
Guy to workout buddy: I like having sex with married women. The sex is good because they're not having sex with their husbands.
Vancouver
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Guys | Infidelity | Sex | Posted 2010-04-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, I Didn't Even Get to That Part!
Overly loud tween boy: Yeah, but at least he put it in.
Teacher: Shut up back there.
Monticello, New York
Overheard by: Not the right thing to accidentally shout out during a breif silence
Um, That's a Magic Eye Picture.
Architecture tutor critiquing students' poster: When you look at it, it starts making some irrational type of sense.
Unitec Polytech
Auckland
New Zealand
Categories: Education | New Zealand | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Next: a Game Of "Just the Tip"
Not-very-smooth guy to attractive woman at bar: I just want to see it! I promise I won't touch your vagina.
Tallahassee, Florida
The Wolf Was No Match for Grandma
Dad: Later, we need to find grandma a boyfriend.
Seven-year-old son: Grandma already has a boyfriend, though.
Dad: Really? Who?
Seven-year-old son: She's married to granddad!
Dad: No, no, your other grandma.
Seven-year-old son: Oh yeah, she really needs a boyfriend.
Train
Manchester
England
Categories: Compare and contrast | Dads | England | Family ties | Kids | Relationships | Train | Posted 2010-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Shhh-- He'll Hear!
Girl #1: You shouldn't drink that. It's bad for the baby.
Girl #2, drinking wine: It better be.
Washington and Lee University
Lexington, Virginia
Overheard by: Eden
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Drinking & drunks | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Pregnancy | Virginia | Posted 2010-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Pretend You're in New York
Girl, seeing random guy screaming gibberish: What was that?
Guy: Don't worry about it.
Bellingham, Washington
Categories: Girls | Guys | Language barrier | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Guessing IT Teachers Hear This Joke a Lot
IT teacher: So if the CPU usage is really high, choose "end process tree" to kill the process.
Student in back, mumbling: That's what she said...
IT teacher: Damn right that's what she said!
Waterloo
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Sunny
Categories: Canadia | Education | Teachers | Technology | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Like Hitler Did
20-something boy: I think I am dropping out of college?
20-something girl: So? What are you going to do then?
20-something boy: Become an artist.
20-something girl: And do what?
20-something boy: Paint some shit and get paid for that.
Camden Market
London
England
Categories: England | Girls | Guys | Jobs & Careers | Wishes | Posted 2010-04-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Best. Sporting Event. Ever.
Weird young man, talking to himself: Those damn beavers and their rakes!
Sedona, Arizona
Um, by Definition?
American woman to daughter, window shopping in front of Hermès: Luxury isn't for everyone.
Hermès
Paris
France
Categories: France | Philosophy | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2010-04-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now Let's Go Look at It in One Of Those Funhouse Mirrors, Okay?
30-something lady to teen boy: It's so... small!
Teen boy: No one asked you to measure it.
Carson City, Nevada
Overheard by: Bailey W.
Categories: Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Nevada | Teens | Women | Posted 2010-04-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Many Tons Of Vomit Does Disney World Produce a Year? Show Your Work.
20-something guy in the middle of a group: Guys, guys. I've got big news.
(group quiets down)
20-something guy: I just got a text from Ross. It says "Let's put it this way: they've stopped the ride, are cleaning up my vomit, and I'm leaving in a wheelchair. Spaceship Earth."
(group cheers)
Disney World
Orlando, Florida
Categories: Florida | Games | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Stupidity | Tourist attractions | Violence | Posted 2010-04-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Was Lovely Talking to You
Grad student #1, receiving a detailed explanation of the theory of evolution: Well, you seem to know much more about the subject than I do...
Grad student #2: I have creationist parents.
Oxford
England
Categories: Compare and contrast | Education | England | Students | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can't Answer. Crashing.
Skinny boy at the back of the classroom: I had a Pop-Tart for breakfast!
Teacher, horrified: Why? Oh my god, why?!
Middle School
North Carolina
Categories: Food | Gripes | North Carolina | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Skinny people | Teachers | Posted 2010-04-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Day Bernice Wet Her Desk
Professor, eyeing student in class: Watch out, snuggie-girl. I'm on to you!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Oh, and Hugh Hefner Doesn't?
Girl reading Dirty Japanese book to another: Oh, "fuck like rabbits"? "Yari... Ma... Kuru..." Is that how you pronounce it? Do I have the accent right?
(other girl pronounces it correctly in high pitched voice)
Girl: You make "fucking like rabbits" sound so cute and adorable!
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Animals | Compliments | Girls | New Jersey | Sex | Posted 2010-04-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Thanks, European Colonialism!
Ditzy 13-year-old brunette: That's so cool! She's French and (whispers) black. I didn't know you could get those!
Woldingham Sacred Heart School
England
Overheard by: on the floor laughing
Categories: England | Race | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Stupidity | Tweens | Posted 2010-04-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why the Taliban Exists
Teacher: From an evolutionary perspective, what do you have more time to do if you don't need to find a mate?
Female student: Build an army!
South Eugene High School
Eugene, Oregon
Yoko Ono in the 1970's: Encapsulated.
Girl wearing long, flowy skirt to friend: I just feel a deep connection with the lighting of this room. I'm a big fan of lighting.
Maryland
Your Editors Gave Up on Lost During Season One
60-something guy, earnestly, to table full of seemingly level-headed adults: They're going to turn the moon into a weapon, the most powerful weapon ever...
Restaurant
Reno, Nevada
Overheard by: mini-me
Categories: Nevada | Old folks | Restaurants | Science | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Priest Wants to Exorcissor Me
Guy with hat: Did you find out what it was?
Guy with dog: They think it's something paranormal.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Michelle Freedman
Pretty Much Sums It Up.
Girl to friend: And then they nailed Him to a cross! And we get chocolate eggs for this?
College Campus
Michigan
There Is a Downside to Thong Underwear
Concerned-looking sorority girl, walking out of bathroom stall: Oh my god guys, do you really think my butt smells like ass?
Bathroom
University of Idaho
Overheard by: CrayonCake
Categories: Ass | Idaho | Questions | Restroom | Sensory experiences | Sorority types | Stupidity | Posted 2010-04-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I See Rich People
Mourner at funeral: Tut, one of the undertakers left his jacket on that gravestone.
Son of deceased man: We should check it for money... (whispering) Ghost money!
Graveyard
Cork
Ireland
Categories: Death & dying | Ireland | Magic | Money | Should have used a condom | Posted 2010-04-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Margaret Cho's Dieting Again
Girl #1, taking in horrible smell: Whah...?
Girl #2, nodding, seriously: Yeah. Diarrhea. (pauses, then frantically) Not mine!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: phew.
Categories: California | Girls | Poop | Sensory experiences | Posted 2010-04-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
College: In a Nutshell.
Freshman girl to friends: Guys, I really need to ask you a huge favor. I think I might be pregnant and you guys might have to punch me in the stomach to get rid of it.
North Bay
Ontario
Canadia
Mary Now Remembers Why They Stopped Dating
Girl, to guy who just got off a ski lift: Joe? Is that you? It's Mary. We used to date!
Guy: Oh, yeah, I thought you looked familiar from behind.
Ski Resort
Tahoe, Nevada
Categories: Assholes | Girls | Guys | Nevada | Relationships | Posted 2010-04-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dan Brown Totally Deserves This
50-something white-haired British guy: I know you!
Stranger: No sir, we haven't met.
50-something white-haired British guy: I remember you from before!
Stranger: I'm sorry sir, I just don't remember you.
50-something white-haired British guy: I was there too! We were both knights of Templar! You were Mary Magdalene's personal guard... How have you been all these years!?
Grand Canyon
Arizona
Overheard by: J
Categories: Arizona | Crazies | History | Memory lane | Strangers | Tourist attractions | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Not Even How You Play Strip Poker
Girl: Stop poking my love handles!
St. Joseph High School
Michigan
Categories: Body parts | Girls | Michigan | Offers and requests | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...With Total Uggs.
Girl #1: So what's up with those boots you bought this weekend? You don't look like the type to wear them.
Girl #2: Uh, Tim* wanted me to buy them.
Girl #1: Oh, that's right. I almost forgot about his boot fetish.
Girl #2: And I'm pretty sure he wants me to wear them. And nothing else.
Girl #1, sighing wistfully: I wish I had a hot relationship like that! All I have is slut sex!
Saint Peter's College
New Jersey
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Girls | New Jersey | Relationships | Sex | Shoes | Wishes | Posted 2010-04-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sometimes It's a Good Time, Sometimes It's a Good Story
Woman #1, as bus passes bar: See that bar? There's another location closer to the lake. My dad and I went there for a beer right after I first moved here. I felt something brush my leg and I looked down and saw a rat! I swear, it was a foot and a half long!
Woman #2: Oh my god! What did you do?
Woman #1: Oh, it was crazy. The owner disappeared upstairs and came back with a baseball bat but by that time the rat was hiding between the bar and the wall. So he runs off again and comes back with a blowtorch! It's like, 'helloooo, this whole bar is made of wood!"
Woman #2: So what happened?
Woman #1: They took my address and that Monday I got a bouquet of flowers. For not freaking out, I guess. I dunno. I've never been back...
Chicago, Illinois
Oh, and One Of Your Mudslides, Please.
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: I'll have the Cobb salad with no croutons, no bacon, no egg, no cheese, and no avocado, with the chicken on a separate plate.
Sheepish waitress: That just leaves lettuce, tomato, and olives. You sure that's all you want, ma'am?
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: I'm sure.
Sheepish waitress: It'd be cheaper to get a side salad and just add chicken.
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: No, I want a Cobb salad.
Sheepish waitress: It would be the same thing without all the toppings.
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: I. Want. A. Cobb. Salad!
Sheepish waitress: Yes, ma'am. What kind of dressing would you like?
Entitled middle-aged anorexic: No dressing, please.
Sheepish waitress: Yes, ma'am.
TGI Friday's
Virginia
Though Usually I'm Being Flogged at the Time
Student to teacher who just made a mistake finger-spelling on board: Finger!
Teacher, erasing board: If I had a nickel every time someone said that to me.
Hampden, Maine
Categories: Body parts | Education | Maine | Masturbation | Sex | Students | Teachers | Words | Posted 2010-04-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, Please-- Victoria's Secret's Been Selling Those for Years.
Girl, about teacher: He kept bending over in front of my desk. And he was wearing these tie-dye boxers, and they were hanging out of his pants. Except it looked like a thong. Like, there was a thong line. So, yeah, he might have been wearing a thong.
Girl #2: Maybe it's like a weird, secret guy thing. The top looks like boxers but the rest is a thong.
Girl #1: Yeah.
High School
Columbia, Missouri
Categories: Girls | Gossip | Missouri | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Undies | Posted 2010-04-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They Need To-- Ever Seen a White Baby?
Asian kid: We don't do a lot of jumping around.
Black kid: Except in the wars, when Chuck Norris has lots of babies.
Asian kid: And white people are marrying everyone.
Babson College
Wellesley, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Bruce
Categories: About celebrities | Asians | Black people | Colleges & Universities | Massachusetts | Race | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If "Swaziland" Is Already Taken
Girl, looking at bag of coffee: Tan-zay-nee-uh. Hey, I didn't know that was a country!
(friends laugh)
Girl: That's a pretty name, I'm going to name my daughter that!
Starbucks
Manhattan, New York
Um, Wharnk?
Irritated English professor: I think I'm just going to change all my paper assignments to "create an inscrutable utterance."
Ursinus College
Pennsylvania
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Education | Pennsylvania | Teachers | Words | Posted 2010-04-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Says the Woman Who Has a Crush on Those Twins in The Suite Life Of Zack & Cody?
Queer dad at the back of the line: Ohmigod! There's Rebeca, from cheerleading.
Woman friend: Oh yeah! I hate her, she's so perky.
Queer dad: And irresponsible, she always leaves her kids on the car when she goes anywhere.
Woman: Oh, really?
Queer dad: I mean, who leaves a top of the line Escalade with a smoking hot nine-year-old idling in the parking lot? Especially in this neighborhood!
Woman dad: That is so wrong!
Queer dad: I know!
Woman: No, that you said "smoking" hot nine-year-old.
Queer dad: Oh...
Dunkin Donuts
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Billy Splatts!
Is That Even Possible?
Jersey Shore fan: Can you put on Jersey Shore? It's the reunion!
Bartender: Sure, I was kind of hoping someone would ask.
Female drinker: Wow, I am going to watch this dumbass show in a bar, is this happening?
Jersey Shore fan: You love it, don't try to lie cause your boys are here.
Bartender: These people are crazy, and that's why we watch.
Bar patron: I cant believe I am watching the reunion show without having seen a full episode. You are right: I cant stop watching this. What the fuck? Is her name J-Lo?
Jersey Shore fan: J... Wow! She is awesome, snookie is my favorite. I wish I could be friends with her.
Bartender: You have enough slutty friends.
Bar
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Earnie Hustleton
Categories: Baristas | Bars & Clubs | Drunks | Insults | Pennsylvania | Sexuality | TV shows | Wishes | Posted 2010-04-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So I Borrow Them
20-something girl on cell: But yeah, I'm a girl so I don't get a boner.
Kansas
Categories: Gender issues | Girls | Kansas | Sex | Posted 2010-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Zac Efron Movie That Should Be Made
Teenage boy, shrieking: He touched my penis! He touched my penis! And I'm gay! I'm gay!
Charleston, South Carolina
Categories: Penis | Queers | Sexuality | South Carolina | Teens | Posted 2010-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Wear Pajamas With Feet!
Guy #1: I'm going to study all night!
Guy #2: Yeah, I'll come too.
Guy #1: No, man... You're too weak.
Wayne State University
Detroit, Michigan
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Education | Guys | Michigan | Posted 2010-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Until Its Sour Cream Came Out
Girl to girlfriend: If our burritos were in jail, my burrito would rape your burrito.
Chipotle
Northridge, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Food | Girls | Restaurants | Sex | Violence | Posted 2010-04-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Eh, They Were Station Wagons.
College girl: Last night I dreamed that everyone got a car for free... except for you.
College guy: Even in your dreams, I can't get a fucking break!
Boone, North Carolina
Categories: Compare and contrast | North Carolina | Students | Stupidity | Posted 2010-04-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And My Glitter Is Edible
Slutty chick to guy next to her: I'm not clever, but I'm sparkly!
New Orleans, Louisiana
You Were Number Six!
Sex-ed teacher: This 16-year-old girl had nine partners.
Kid in the back: I want to be number ten!
Tampa, Florida
Why Sex-Positive Feminism Exists.
Girl: I haven't been on a stage since grammar school. Having sex on a stage is so much better than quoting Susan B. Anthony.
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Bimbettes | Compare and contrast | Education | New Jersey | Sex | Posted 2010-04-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Instant Coffee: Explained
Philosophy teacher: So, I've created a robot that knows how to go into my office and make me a coffee. But what if something goes wrong? What if the coffee's in a different place, or there's no milk? What if there's bees in the sugar?
Perth
Australia
Categories: Australia | Philosophy | Teachers | Technology | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Says She Needs the Practice
Elderly woman to friends: Oh, she's lovely, she even offered to sleep in the coffin!
Cambridge
England
Categories: Death & dying | England | Offers and requests | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-04-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And What Do You Mean by "Had"?
Wife: Oh, my cousin Danielle just had her baby!
Husband: You have a cousin Danielle?
Mount Vernon, New York
Categories: Birthing | Couples | Family ties | New York | Questions | Posted 2010-04-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like Cats
Student on bike to another: The problem with string theory nowadays is that everyone just wants to get into it.
Cambridge
England
Overheard by: Anti-Math
Isn't This a Show on TLC?
Guy to girl: I know these people out in Colorado, and they're like totally brother and sister, and they're married! I mean, they had to sign something saying they'd never have children, but they're totally married!
Nightclub Bathroom
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: RW
Categories: Family ties | Guys | Missouri | Relationships | Restroom | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some Men Wait Their Whole Lives to Hear That
Slightly tipsy girl at party: Hi, I'm Liz. (pause) Oh, I like your ears.
Savannah, Georgia
Categories: Body parts | Compliments | Georgia | Girls | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
See, This Is Why I Came Here
Girl: Wow! Einstein was like really smart!
Astronomy Class
UCSC, California
Overheard by: Eric
...We're Aiming for a Spring Wedding.
Girl #1: Jeff once told me if he didn't get laid within the first week, the relationship wasn't going to work out.
Girl #2: Oh my god.
Girl #1: Yeah, Jeff's a great guy.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Did the Pizza Guy Even Apologize for Walking in on You in the Shower?
Chick #1: I was like, "I thought that shit only happened in porn!"
Chick #2: Or movies.
Chick #1: Oh. Yeah.
Cafe
Denver, Colorado
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Chicks | Colorado | Compare and contrast | Porn | Stupidity | Posted 2010-04-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Really Need to Start Tagging and Cataloging Them
Girl #1, after passing by awkward guy staring at her: Ummm, why did that guy we just passed stare at us?
Girl #2: Umm... Didn't you sleep with him last weekend?
Girl #3: Oooh... I thought he looked familiar!
James Madison University
Harrisonburg, Virginia
Overheard by: Dukeees for life
Categories: Bimbettes | Colleges & Universities | Sex | Virginia | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...So Everyone Got That Wrong on the Quiz.
Professor: To shake hands you have to make sure the wedge of your hand fits in the other person's wedge, and that your skin touches, and then give it a good two or three pumps.
London
Ontario
Canadia
Or Tigger or Eeyore
Lecturer: No, seriously! I promise I won't talk about poo next week!
Perth
Australia
Overheard by: ellie.
The Two Guys Loved It, Though
Sorority girl to another: That has to be the worst way to lose your virginity.
Murray State University
Kentucky
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Kentucky | Sex | Sorority types | Virginity | Posted 2010-04-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Camel Toe Becomes Hammer Toe
Teacher: Pants so tight it could snap your vagina off!
Sex-Ed Class
Tampa, Florida
...Where I'll Never Have to Deal with Harassment!
Blonde, busty college student, to professor: I don't have to take this! I can get a job at Hooters!
Virginia
Overheard by: Sweenan A. Mornstuy
Categories: Chicks | Compare and contrast | Jobs & Careers | Virginia | Posted 2010-04-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But the Fox Would Never Forgive Me
Man with strange beard to friend: My girlfriend would love me forever if I got her a fox's skull.
London
England
If You Give Me That Seat, I'll Juggle Them for You.
Old man on subway to perfect stranger: So I give this woman three eggs to put in her pocket. You know, crack. And, can you hold this?
(young woman holds coffee for him)
Old man: So I've got these eggs...
Subway
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Your Editors Hate to Fly Anymore
Girl #1: A baby exploded on me today.
Girl #2: Did you just say "exploded"?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: Ew!
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Lousy Human Condition
Cute girl #1: Do you ever wake up and just smell really bad for some reason?
Cute girl #2, without hesitation: Yeah!
Tufts University
Medford, Massachusetts
Overheard by: concerned about sanitation
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Massachusetts | Sensory experiences | Posted 2010-04-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Downward-facing Dog Was Invented
Loud girl, as rest of the yoga class goes quiet after teacher rings bell: He was so fat I couldn't find his wiener!
Wyoming
No Wonder Everybody Has Herpes
Freshman guy: In health today, we were looking at pictures of vaginas with herpes, and it made me want pizza...
High School
Steilacoom, Washington
Overheard by: Meredith
Categories: Compare and contrast | Food | STDs | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Vagina | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Who Refuses to Be Confined to a Single Cell.
Girl: I am not an amoeba, I'm a free man!
Chatswood Station
Sydney
Australia
Or, If I Were a Lot Taller, a Golf Bag.
Guy: If I had a vagina I'd have all kinds of stuff up there. (pause) I'd use it as a shower caddy.
Hoboken, New Jersey
Overheard by: Laura
Categories: Guys | New Jersey | Vagina | Wishes | Posted 2010-04-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Eventually He Struggles to the Surface and We All Breathe a Sigh Of Relief
80-something lady to another: I saw Bertie and his lady friend at the state fair. Yes, she's a large woman, tall and quite big. I mean, you could say that about a lot of people, but she's very large. When she hugs him, it's all lady and no Bertie!
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: poor bertie!
Categories: Gossip | Old folks | Overheard in Minneapolis | Relationships | Posted 2010-04-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then I Sniff It and I'm Like, "Ooo, Beer!"
Tiny pregnant girl to friend: He has this mattress that has pee stains all over it, and he keeps blaming it on the dog! I'm like, "yeah, right!"
Target
York, Pennsylvania
Now How About a Nice Tranq Dart?
Confused elderly female patient, trying to punch staff: If you kill me, my family will hunt you down and take all your money!
Nurse's aide, trying to clean up patient: Yeah, we hear that a lot.
Hospital
Burlingame, California
Categories: California | Crimes | Death & dying | Doctor's office | Family ties | Nurses | Old folks | Threats | Posted 2010-04-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then My Crush Only Increased.
Ten-year old girl #1: He was pretty cute.
Ten-year old girl #2: I know! I had the biggest crush on him in third grade... until he died.
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: Wait. What?
Categories: Death & dying | Feelings | Kids | New Mexico | Posted 2010-04-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Was Hoping for at Least Some Vomit
Depressed man to friends, while eating corn-on-the-cob: You know, this is just upsetting. I spent $180 today, and all I'll have to show for it is a really large shit.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: suddenly a little less hungry
Categories: Feelings | Food | Guys | Overheard in Minneapolis | Posted 2010-04-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Then Only Because It Was on the Marriage Certificate
Thugette: I went out with him for like two weeks before I even found out his name.
East Vancouver
Canadia
Overheard by: marcosx
Categories: Canadia | Relationships | Thugs | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now Could You Delicately Put That Switchblade Away?
Scary emo girl, pointing at friend: What am I? Say it! Say it! What am I? Say it!
Bullied emo guy, quietly: You're a delicate emo angel.
Federal Hill
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Katie M
Categories: Compliments | Girls | Guys | Questions | Rhode Island | Threats | Posted 2010-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Certainly Like Life in Wisconsin
Guy: Death is a lot like life.
Girl: So I've heard.
Beloit, Wisconsin
Overheard by: I heard that too
Categories: Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Girls | Guys | Weirdness | Wisconsin | Posted 2010-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Cinderella's Spiteful Stepsister Would Soon Eat Her Words
Woman to friend: That would never happen. Not even in a fairytale you wrote your goddamn self would that happen.
Buffalo, New York
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | New York | Women | Posted 2010-04-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...For You, Missy.
Girl to boy: How old are you?
Boy: Two old!
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Age and ageing | Kids | Washington | Words | Posted 2010-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Isn't Very Hard.
Guy to date: And then, after work, he sorts out men's erectile dysfunction.
Greek Restaurant
London
England
Overheard by: Sam Veale
Categories: England | Guys | Maladies | Restaurants | Sex | Posted 2010-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Introducing the Deepest Relationship in L.A.
Persian guy #1: So are you going to go out with her again?
Persian guy #2: Yeah, she's a cool girl, man. She likes techno and brands...
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Bonding | California | Foreigners | Technology | Posted 2010-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Almost Like We're Misinterpreting the Bible or Something
Coffee-drinking woman: Thank god they're Buddhists. Unlike Christians, where we'll just blow the shit out of each other. And not in the good way.
Marin, California
Categories: Buddhism | California | Christianity | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-04-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Character Was So Lifelike
Older lady: Heath Ledger was The Joker? Boy, I never would have guessed that!
Movie Theater
Champaign-Urbana, Illinois
Categories: About celebrities | Illinois | Movies | Old folks | Posted 2010-04-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, That's Just Beer, Sweetie.
Boy, screaming into pregnant mother's belly: We're going to give you up for adoption!
Tanger Outlet
Riverhead, New York
Overheard by: bemused
Whomever It Is, Thank You!
Drunk sorostitute to group of friends: I'm getting boned in the butt! Who's boning me in the butt?
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: pob
Categories: Ass | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Overheard in Minneapolis | Sensory experiences | Sex | Sorority types | Posted 2010-04-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Have We Finally Reached the Historical Point at Which That's Become an Insult?
Emphatic woman: See? That's why this is your first marriage!
Sherman Oaks, California
Categories: California | Insults | Relationships | Women | Posted 2010-04-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can't You Just Tether It to Your Wheelchair?
Suave dude on cell: Shut up, grandma! Your fridge isn't that heavy!
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: at least I'm nice to my grandma
Categories: Family ties | Jerks | On the phone | Overheard in Minneapolis | Stupidity | Posted 2010-04-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Exactly.
Communications major: What the hell is a palindrome?
English major: No, it isn't.
California State University
Fullerton, California
Overheard by: SixPackReich
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Coworkers | Education | Words | Posted 2010-04-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Suppose He'll Object to Playing with a White Ball?
Skinny Asian kid buying 24-pack of Keystone Light, to friend: I dunno man. I've never played beer pong against a black dude before.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: Ian
Categories: Asians | Drinking & drunks | Games | Overheard in Minneapolis | Race | Violence | Posted 2010-04-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Taste-Testing Jawbreakers Is a Lot More Difficult Than My Old Job Of Sucking Cock
Man on cell: Well, yeah, I think it was worth it, considering how much money I made... (pause) Well, my mouth really hurts, and I think I need some antibiotics.
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: i swear this is not made up
Categories: California | Health & Hygiene | Jobs & Careers | Mouth | On the phone | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Needs LSD When You've Got This Quote?
YMCA guy #1: People seem generally smaller to me.
YMCA guy #2: Hmmm.
YMCA guy #1: I dunno, people just seem smaller. I feel like I could walk up to anyone and smash them in the face. But I am really predatory. I wish it was the middle ages, I would be all, "I?m the Goverrnator!"
Elvis impersonator, swinging his hips: John Edwards got nothing on me!
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Bloated Bellies Are the New Six-Pack
Drunk guy holding a forty: Malt liquor. This is going to get us buff, yo.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Meech
Categories: Canadia | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Stupidity | Posted 2010-04-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The World's Shortest Infant-Care Book
Tan, blonde, 40-something woman: Just stick 'em on your nipples, it'll be okay.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: perplexed chai drinker
Categories: Advice | Nipples | Overheard in Minneapolis | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-04-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Many Words a Minute Can It Type?
Man to another: What's the street value of a giant frog?
Sydney
Australia
From the People Who Brought You Rice Cakes...
Guy to girl with gum: Can I have a piece of gum?
Girl: Sure, but it kind of tastes like dirt.
Guy in back of class: Ooooooh! Can I please have a piece?
Midlandstech, South Carolina
Categories: Girls | Guys | Sensory experiences | South Carolina | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Chillin' in Central Park
Man on cell: Did I say Boston? I'm sorry, I was just in Boston, that's why I said that. Atlanta, I'm in Atlanta right now.
Beacon Hill Starbucks
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Lies | Massachusetts | On the phone | Restaurants | US Geography | Posted 2010-04-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That, or Being Attacked by Giant Serpents.
Teacher to class: What is your number one fear surrounding public speaking?
Student: Assassination.
Universtiy of Colorado
Overheard by: Owl is a hairstyle
I'm a Politician-- So What Do You Think?
Man: Does your thingy work down here?
Washington, DC
Categories: Guys | Questions | Washington, DC | Words | Posted 2010-04-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Isn't Saying "We're Texas Lutherans" Sufficient?
Professor: Everyone who thinks it's this answer jump up and say, "I'm brilliant!"
(nobody moves)
Professor: Everyone who thinks it's this answer jump up and say, "I'm not so brilliant, yet."
(nobody moves)
Professor: Everyone else jump up and say, "I'm inhibited!"
Organic Chemistry Class
Texas Lutheran University
Overheard by: Kimberly
Categories: Class | Offers and requests | Teachers | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Though at Least I Can Eat Chips
Guy: It was a teeth-optional place, but hey, I was a drug addict, so I'm not all that and a bag of chips either.
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Druggies | Drugs | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yeah, I've Heard That Promise Before
Sobbing man with black eye, on cell: I love you so much, baby. I'm gonna squeeze you so hard you're gonna shit. (continues weeping)
Coloradp Springs, Colorado
Categories: Colorado | Feelings | On the phone | Poop | Posted 2010-04-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Someone in a Mickey Costume, Honey.
Redneck to wife: You'll never see a squirrel like that in Massachusetts!
Disney World
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Stephen
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Florida | Rednecks | Posted 2010-04-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Before We Proceed to the Big Photoshoot at McDonald's
Overweight tourist: Oh, get a picture of me outside Starbucks.
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Fat people | Food | Washington | Wishes | Posted 2010-04-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...But My Second Wish Would Be for World Peace.
Man in Mötley Crüe t-shirt to little girl: But yeah, I think I'd bring Kurt Cobain back for a day just for the fun of it.
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Categories: About celebrities | Crazies | Oklahoma | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-04-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
On the Plus Side, We Got Free Flavored Condoms!
Doting, nervous mom: Honey! How was your first day of kindergarten?
Blond little boy, sounding disappointed: My teacher is really thrilled about safety.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: does that mean scissor juggling is out?
Categories: Education | Kids | Moms | Overheard in Minneapolis | Questions | Posted 2010-04-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Have You Seen His Hair?
Indignant little boy: Beethoven is not creepy!
Little girls, in unison: Yes he is!
Melrose, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Categories: Insults | Kids | Massachusetts | Music | Posted 2010-04-03 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some Flights Need a Two-Drink Minimum
Flight attendant: And if you have smelly, I mean "small" children with you, you may disembark before other passengers. Thank you for flying Jetstar, we hope to see your ugly, I mean "lovely" faces again.
Jetstar Flight
Australia
...Now That I Can Suck My Own Nipples.
Preppy tween girl #1: So you're grounded?
Preppy tween girl #2: Worse. My mom threw away my pacifiers.
Madison, Wisconsin
Despite What Every Porno Has Taught You.
Frat boy to another: Dude... Just because you can get with one of them doesn't mean you can automatically have a twin threesome.
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Ian
Categories: Eavesdrop DC | Frat boy types | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2010-04-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Maybe It Was White Men Can't Hunch?
Girl: I was watching this show the other night about large white British men who were sent to Africa to learn to hunt. It was called Fat Men Can't Hump. Wait! No! "Hunt"! It was called Fat Men Can't Hunt. Of course they can hump... If they want to.
Post-Colonial Literature Lecture
University of British Columbia
Canadia
Overheard by: Martha Carscadden
Categories: Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Pop culture | Sex | Words | Posted 2010-04-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Imagine Steve Martin in This Role
Dentist instructing dental students: And if it's your first time doing a certain procedure, don't tell the patient. Just do it without them knowing it's your first time. Don't ask them, 'cause they'll probably say no. It's just easier for everyone. (awkward pause) Am I the only one that does that?
Queensland
Australia
Remember When Ted Danson Tried That at Whoopi's Roast?
Guy #1: Dude, you really need to end your obsession with black face, it's offensive.
Guy #2: Hell no, I'm bringing it back!
Fullerton, California
Categories: California | Guys | Race | Stupidity | Posted 2010-04-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Oh Shoot, I Ruined the Surprise.
Young lady with English accent, on cell: I told you I was going to be home in 15 minutes. (pause) I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you in the eye with a fork.
Chico, California
Overheard by: xfleshxwoundx
Categories: California | Foreigners | On the phone | Threats | Time Management | Violence | Posted 2010-04-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
At Least There's No Violin Shortage
Starbucks employee: Actually, most of the stores in the city are out of soy today.
Pompous customer: Well, what am I supposed to do? Starve?
Starbucks
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Ho Lexington III
Categories: Bringing it back to you | Customers | Employees | Food | Pennsylvania | Restaurants | Stupidity | Posted 2010-04-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Read the Previous Month's Quotes!
