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February 2010 Archives
For Sheer Drama, Jersey Shore Has Nothing on the North Shore
Restaurant waitress, ranting: If my family weren't here I would take my shoe off and stab you in the eye with it.
Saugus, Massachusetts
Categories: Bartenders | Body parts | Family ties | Massachusetts | Shoes | Threats | Posted 2010-02-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wouldn't That Make Her Into a Lesbian?
Teenage girl to friend: I want a boy. If I get a girl I'm going to shove her back in.
New Jersey
Categories: Birthing | Gender issues | New Jersey | Teens | Violence | Posted 2010-02-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Whoa, Is My Face Red
Jock: Dude, I went to our professor's office yesterday, and you know what? She has a giant bottle of lube just sitting there on her desk!
(pause)
Friend: You jackass! That's hand sanitizer on her desk, not lube!
University of Colorado
Overheard by: I keep the lube in the drawer
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Colorado | Compare and contrast | Jocks | Sex | Stupidity | Posted 2010-02-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Let's All Tweet!
Girl: I just spilled some tea. But luckily it was in a frying pan!
Entire room: Yaaaay!
Smith College
Northampton, Massachusetts
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Food | Girls | Massachusetts | Stupidity | Posted 2010-02-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Guess Somebody Wants to Go to College
Teacher to chatty class: Everyone, quiet, we have to go over this!
(class continues chatting)
Guy in the back: I will kill you all.
(class falls silent)
High School
Chesapeake, Virginia
Categories: Education | Offers and requests | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teachers | Threats | Thugs | Virginia | Posted 2010-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's for Church
Four-year-old boy to group of mothers: Guess what!
Group: What?
Four-year-old boy, excited: I just peed standing up!
Boy's father: That's not something we tell people!
Children's Room, Katonah Library
Katonah, New York
Overheard by: amused librarian
So It's Like...a Gay Bar?
Guy, after burning left hand: But this is my special hand...
Friend: Why can't you just use your right hand for a while?
Guy: It's like being jerked off by a stranger.
Friend: What?
Guy: Imagine a stranger comes up to you and starts talking to you, and suddenly just starts jerking you off. (pause) Yeah. That's how it feels like.
Bayonne, New Jersey
Categories: Compare and contrast | Guys | Hands | Masturbation | New Jersey | Posted 2010-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Goal Is to Prevent That, Not Hasten It
Son, in dog food aisle: Why don't we buy this one?
Mom: Because he won't eat it.
Son: But it's cheaper!
Mom: And therefore not good for him.
Son: I don't see what the problem is, he'll be dead soon.
Tesco Supermarket
England
Categories: Animals | Death & dying | England | Food | Moms | Shopping | Should have used a condom | Posted 2010-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Stupid International Date Line
Girl: Okay, let's catch up on Tuesday. Oh, wait, when's Tuesday?
Jakarta
Indonesia
Categories: Asia | Girls | Stupidity | Time Management | Posted 2010-02-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Be Careful Whose Army You Enlist In, Dear Reader
Very tall woman: I never hear you talk about your uncle. Is he dead?
Short man: No, he's still alive, but he's a Nazi.
Very tall woman: Ha ha.
Short man: No, really. He's a Nazi. He was in the SS and everything.
Burlington, Vermont
Overheard by: Sweenan A. Mornstuy
Categories: Death & dying | Family ties | Guys | Vermont | Women | Posted 2010-02-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Next on Maury
Brunette: And then he called me back ten minutes later and told me his brother got his girlfriend pregnant, and she's like sixteen or something.
Blonde: Is he mad his brother and his girlfriend hooked up?
Brunette: He's got more serious issues dating a child and shit.
Kent State University
Kent, Ohio
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Girls | Ohio | Pregnancy | Sex | Posted 2010-02-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not Exactly...
BU student #1, looking at his CharlieCard: Dude, I have never seen this guy anywhere in Boston. Where do you think he is?
BU student #2, also looking at his CharlieCard: Dude, I don't know.
BU student #1: Maybe he died.
BU student #3: Yeah, because he was sticking his fucking head out of the fucking train window while the train was in motion.
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Death & dying | Guys | Massachusetts | Public Transportation | Violence | Posted 2010-02-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...With a Bastard Vampire Baby
Mom to daughter in Team Edward t-shirt: If you were taking your pill in the first place, you wouldn't be pregnant right now.
New Hampshire
Overheard by: let me kick her in the stomach
Categories: Moms | New Hampshire | Parenting | Preggers | Pregnancy | Posted 2010-02-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or There'll Be No Peace When You Are Done
Girl #1: I have cows in my head!
Boy: What?
Girl #1: We're playing "Carry on Wayward Son" in orchestra. C-o-w-s.
Boy: Oh.
Girl #2: You really need to tell people that before you tell them you have cows in your head.
St. Joseph High School
Michigan
...Can I Live With You This Summer?
Chipper guy: Everyone in my family, except for my little brother I think, is suicidal. They're all just like "blah blah blah... kill myself."
Florida Atlantic University
Overheard by: Kiwi
Categories: Character | Colleges & Universities | Death & dying | Family ties | Florida | Guys | Posted 2010-02-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why I Don't Attend Grad Student Parties: Explained.
Guy at party: Well, I don't know if you can reduce Thoreau to pantheism...
Girl in Avatar face paint: Oh! Reduce!?
Berkeley, California
Categories: California | Girls | Guys | Philosophy | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Bed, Bath and Beyoobies Stives to Be Inclusive
Crazy black guy, very loudly to himself: That's the factory where they make gay people, but I don't care, because that's also where they make boobies!
Charlottesville, Virginia
Overheard by: tom
Categories: Black people | Compare and contrast | Rack | Sexuality | Virginia | Posted 2010-02-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Really Doesn't Age Well
Guy to another: Don't shake my hand, dude, it's still got pussy on it!
Men's Bathroom
Bar, Alabama
Overheard by: So glad I don't live here anymore
...With the Red Carpet
Teenage girl on cell: I'm not saying that I want to be famous, I know not everyone can be famous, I'm just saying that's the one thing I've always, like, aspired to, just a beautiful connection.
Huddersfield
England
Categories: England | On the phone | Stupidity | Teens | Wishes | Posted 2010-02-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Don't Just Hate Myself, I Hate Who I Aspire to Be
Girl, covering hair: I have kinky hair (pause), kinky, kinky hair (pause), and I spent so long yesterday making it straight.
Lancaster County, Pennsylvania
Categories: Beauty | Girls | Hair | Pennsylvania | Time Management | Posted 2010-02-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's in the Company's Value Statement
Guy to friend: Well, some armpits smell good, too.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Turtle
Categories: Body parts | Guys | Pennsylvania | Sensory experiences | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Most Girls Welcome the Tranny Seal Of Approval
Strange transvestite: Ohmigod, you are sooo pretty.
Girl: Umm... Thanks?
Transvestite's friend: Oh, yes she is.
(they walk away)
Girl: I'm never wearing this shirt again.
Houston, Texas
Categories: Beauty | Clothes | Compliments | Girls | Texas | Posted 2010-02-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Shouldn't Have Skipped the Preliminaries
Girl #1: It is so hard getting laid living with my brother. I am a fucking loud girl when it's going on. For me to be quiet has been hard as hell.
Girl #2: Maybe get him to gag you, you'll like it and you will be quiet, that is what I found myself getting into.
Girl #1: I don't know, maybe I will try it, but I can't be doing that with a guy I meet on the first night.
Girl #3: It would be like anything else: try it a few times, if you don't like it find something else.
Girl #1: Last time I did that I tried anal, and that did not end well.
Girls #2 and #3: (laugh hard)
Girl #2: I remember that disaster.
Bar
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Backdoor | Bars & Clubs | Family ties | Girls | Kink | Pennsylvania | Sex | Posted 2010-02-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Life Is Sweet; Don't Fuck It Up
Professor: No drinking and driving this weekend! No drugs! ...and no babies.
Ball State University
Muncie, Indiana
Overheard by: Sara
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Drinking & drunks | Drugs | Indiana | Pregnancy | Sex | Teachers | Posted 2010-02-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Probably an Aversion to Refried Telecommunications
Mexican girl: Do Mexicans even know how to use star 69? Because I asked one once, and she didn't.
Corpus Christi, Texas
Overheard by: overheardincc
Categories: Compare and contrast | Mexicans | Questions | Technology | Texas | Posted 2010-02-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
San Francisco's Full Of Philosophical Idealists
Woman sitting in front of bank: Ya know, I don't believe in earthquakes...
Market Street
San Francisco, California
Categories: Philosophy | San Francisco | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2010-02-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can and Will
Orchestra director to French horn player: Can you just stick your fist up in there?
Luther College
Decorah, Iowa
Overheard by: percussionist who snorted like a 12-year-old
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Iowa | Offers and requests | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Translation: I'm Afraid You'd Kill Me
50-something guy on cell: Yeah, so honestly I don't think this will work out... I think your sexuality is a little... young for me.
Starbucks
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: dates older guys
Categories: Age and ageing | Bars & Clubs | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Guys | On the phone | Sexuality | Posted 2010-02-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Burned My Eyebrows Off More Than Once
Girl #1: It's like those candy cigarettes you used to get at Halloween. It teaches kids bad principles.
Girl #2: Those taste like crap anyway.
Guy: Yeah, and they never catch.
Boone, North Carolina
Categories: Candy | Compare and contrast | Girls | Holidays | Smoking | Posted 2010-02-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
One Day I'll Graduate to a Shot Of Tequila and a Strip Of Duct Tape
California blonde: Ohmigod, I wonder what their waxing is like in France?
California brunette: I dunno... I once waxed it all off, though.
California blonde: Really? How? I've only waxed my bikini line.
California brunette: I'd just had three glasses of wine and one of those waxing pots, because my dad's a hairdresser.
Paris
France
Overheard by: Freedom Waxing!
Categories: Drinking & drunks | France | Girls | Hair | Posted 2010-02-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dad Still Isn't Talking to Me
Girl: T9 is responsible for so many mishaps. Once I tried to text someone "thanks for helping me". Instead I typed "thanks for humping me." It was bad!
Tacoma, Washington
Categories: Girls | Texting | Washington | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2010-02-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Best. Wedding. Ever.
Girl to friend: I distinctly remember him saying "I still have the dildo up my ass."
UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Ass | California | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Toys | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
On My Deck
Girl #1: How do you like your place?
Girl #2: I've got a huge deck!
Girl #1: You were one letter away from making me a very happy woman.
Girl #2: I was one letter away from making myself a very happy woman. If I had that, I'd go fuck myself.
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: aoK
I Don't Bi That for a Minute
Girl to another, leaving bus: But you can't make everybody be gay!
London
England
"...From Outer Space"
Woman #1: Oh, did I tell you? I had a dream last night about Ray. He told me that he was okay where he was.
Woman #2: You know what that means, right? It means he's gone up to heaven.
Woman #3: Or... It could simply mean that you dreamed about Ray.
Woman #2: You have to have some faith in dreams. Remember that bible story: Jacob and the technicolor bathrobe.
Starbucks
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: Wondering if they took many baths back in those days to reqire bathrobes
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Christianity | Clothes | Death & dying | New York | Women | Posted 2010-02-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like Fat Elvis!
Grandmother to little boy: Elvis! Come here, we're going. (to store person) His mother was a big Elvis fan, so now he's a little Elvis.
Little boy: I have hair on my back!
Brisbane
Australia
Categories: About celebrities | Ass | Australia | Compare and contrast | Hair | Kids | Old folks | Posted 2010-02-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Teenage Boys Live in Fear That Gayness Will Stage a Surprise Attack
Boy holding slinky: I feel weird.
Boy holding other end: It's okay. We've got a slinky!
High School
Eugene, Oregon
Who Also Happens to Be My Husband.
Teen mum #1 with baby in pushchair: Ah! Lovely baby boy! Who's the father?
Teen mum #2 with baby in pushchair: That scumbag from the pub a few months back.
Clothes Store
Dartford
England
When Nerds Have Sex Dreams
Guy on cell: My rocket scientist shows up, she's drunk! But she's capable.
Cafe
Champaign, Illinois
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Compare and contrast | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Illinois | On the phone | Posted 2010-02-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Woody Allen Was Pretty Much the Same As a Kid
Three-year-old to mom on bus: Mom, can you show me how to play my dvd?
Mom: Sure. Why are you asking me now?
Three-year-old: In case.
Mom: In case? In case of what?
Three-year-old, matter of factly: In case you die.
Madrid
Spain
Categories: Death & dying | Moms | Parenting | Should have used a condom | Spain | Technology | Posted 2010-02-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Just Saying Never Aim Your Junk at a Cat
High school dude #1: It's like bestiality, only you have to make sure you point it the right way.
High school dude #2: Yeah, that shit's important.
Santa Ana, California
Categories: Animals | California | Preppies | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Isn't a Large Mouth Something You Look for in a Girl?
Guy #1: Dude, don't get me wrong--Laura* is great, but she's kind of...
Guy #2: Young?
Guy #1: Yeah, but also...
Guy #2: Goofy?
Guy #1: Yeah, but also...
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: She's kind of... She looks like Mick Jagger.
Guy #2: Oh, if you're trying to tell me she's unattractive, I know. But at least she won't cheat on me. (pauses, then laughs) Yeah, she does look like Mick Jagger! Good one!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: wow, that's harsh
Categories: About celebrities | Beauty | Compare and contrast | Guys | Infidelity | Pennsylvania | Posted 2010-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some Girls Need Extra Nuts on Their Hot Fudge Sundae
Girl to boyfriend: By the way, I'm cheating on you.
Edwardsville, Illinois
Overheard by: M
Categories: Comebacks | Couples | Illinois | Infidelity | Posted 2010-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If Only There Were a Website That Printed Such Gems...
Guy: I think it's just every guy's fantasy to live with a giant black man and engage in tomfoolery.
Santa Clara University
California
Overheard by: Erin
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Guys | Race | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2010-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, Why Are They Playing Naked Leapfrog?
Professor, showing slide: And here we have another example of a seal or stamp, with a procession of men along the bottom. However, they could be aliens. (pause) Anyways...
Art History Class
University of Alabama
Overheard by: Bennett
Categories: Alabama | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Does Whatever the Easter Bunny Tells Her
Customer, looking at strange photograph: Wow, that baby sure does have a lot of hair!
Cashier: I told my wife not to put a wig on that baby, but she just wouldn't listen.
Birmingham, Alabama
Even Circumcising Them Is Dicey
Man to wife: The only reason it's an aphrodisiac is because it takes huge balls to cut the penis off a tiger.
Burough Market
London
England
Overheard by: Justyn Egert
...But Let's Consult Wikipedia to Be Sure.
Girl: Seriously, it's about this guy who fucks his clone and then wonders whether it's gay or masturbation. And that's the whole fucking book!
Guy, after thoughtful pause: No. Totally not gay.
UBC
Canadia
Categories: Books | Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Girls | Guys | Masturbation | Sex | Posted 2010-02-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hard to Argue
Four-year-old girl, playing with dinosaurs: Today is the best day ever to eat people!
Cincinnati, Ohio
Overheard by: Miss Ann
Note to Self: Don't Punch Natalie in the Nose
Boyfriend, pressing girlfriend's nose with thumb: Hmmm. I don't think I'd date you if you looked like this.
New Jersey
Categories: Beauty | Body parts | Compare and contrast | Hubbies | New Jersey | Posted 2010-02-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Or Retarded
Loud woman with arms in air: Happy New Year! Happy New Year!
Grumpy man: Fuckin' drunks!
Loud woman: I'm not drunk, I'm Canadian!
Canal Street
New Orleans, Louisiana
Categories: Character | Drinking & drunks | Foreigners | Gripes | Grumpies | Insults | Louisiana | Posted 2010-02-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
He Just Makes Gay Porn
13-year-old blonde: So then he was all "I told you it wasn't mine!"
13-year-old brunette: Ohmigod, how could he do that?
13-year-old blonde: I know! It was, like, "did you or didn't you sleep with him?" He's not even gay!
Canadia
Overheard by: Laura
And It's Not So Much "Pick Up" As "Break Out"
Little girl pointing to City Hall: That's where we pick up daddy!
Mom: No, it's across the street at the jail.
Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com
Overheard by: not good
Categories: Crimes | Family ties | Kids | Moms | Overheard in Minneapolis | Parenting | Posted 2010-02-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Maybe Zack Efron Will Win an Academy Award
Seven-year-old child: How do they get sharks into Sea World?
Tutor: I don't know, maybe they use nets.
Seven-year-old child: Maybe a wizard waves a wand and lifts them into the tanks.
Tutor: Maybe.
Gold Coast
Australia
It Also Slices, Dices, and Makes Julienne Fries
Shopper: I don't think I would trust a pregnancy test from a dollar store.
Cashier: Oh, it works. Trust me.
Montgomery, Alabama
Overheard by: not pregnant
At Least Dogs Have the Decency to Die at Fifteen
30-something at table with friends: I'm telling you! Children are like one of those STDs that you have to live with for the rest of your life. They're like herpes or HIV. They will never, ever, ever go away. They will ruin your life.
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: So fucking teue
My Wax Sculpture Of Aaron Burr Is Nearly Complete
Asian guy #1: So... Where are we goin'?
Asian guy #2: Well, I haven't cleaned my ears since this morning, so... Gotta do that.
Community College
Reno, Nevada
Overheard by: Michele
Categories: Asians | Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Health & Hygiene | Nevada | Questions | Posted 2010-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Possibly Means I'm Growing As a Person
Girl #1: How's your sister?
Girl #2: She's a whore. If she wasn't pregnant, I'd go beat her ass.
University of New Orleans, Louisiana
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Family ties | Girls | Insults | Louisiana | Pregnancy | Posted 2010-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Right in the Seabiscuit
15-year-old girl to friend: And then she tells me, like three weeks later: "You know how I was angry at you? Well, I punched your horse."
School Cafeteria
New Zealand
Categories: Animals | Feelings | New Zealand | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teens | Violence | Posted 2010-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Should We Really Drink to That?
Girl to friend: I'm not an alcoholic.
Friend: I'm not an alcoholic, either.
Girl: Cheers to us not being alcoholics!
Austin, Texas
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Girls | Pride | Texas | Posted 2010-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then He Sneezed and We Solved Fermat's Last Theorem
Professor: The boy had all of the mathematical truths in his head and I was just pulling them out through his nose or something.
Swarthmore College
Swarthmore, Pennsylvania.
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Education | Pennsylvania | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's 2:58 -- Give Him a Little Credit.
Girl on cell in empty hall: So how long do you want to have sex with your boyfriend? Until, like 3:00?
Temple University
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Girls | Infidelity | On the phone | Pennsylvania | Questions | Sex | Time Management | Posted 2010-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...And Be Granted Three Wishes.
Guy to girl: If I had an iPhone I wouldn't need a girlfriend, I would just rub that...
Valparaiso University
Indiana
Overheard by: Rachel Kaiser
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Gadgets | Girls | Guys | Indiana | Sex | Posted 2010-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But With a World-Class Shitty Attitude
Girl #1: Now, you're a native New Yorker. I can tell.
Girl #2: I'm from North Carolina.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Compare and contrast | Girls | Illinois | Stupidity | Posted 2010-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I Can Easily Transition to Toucan Sam
Guy with empty bud light box on head: I look like Cap'n Crunch!
Marquette, Michigan
Categories: Compare and contrast | Drinking & drunks | Food | Guys | Michigan | Pop culture | Posted 2010-02-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Don't Even Get Me Started on Jessica Simpson
Elderly man: This abstinence shit the Republicans get on about... Abstinence my ass! I've been looking at girls since I was 11. I mean: come on, the Virgin Mary is crying!
North Haven, Connecticut
Overheard by: Sara
Being American, in a Nutshell.
Conductor: Everybody please be patient, we have an obstruction on the tracks. Police are working to clear it, we will continue as soon as they finish.
Young suit: We're in a 55-ton battering ram, why did we even stop?
MAX Rail
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Ram Das
Categories: Conductors | Oregon | Public Transportation | Questions | Suits | Train | Posted 2010-02-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'll Just Wait Here 'til It Melts
Tour bus driver to American girl: So you aren't doing the glacier hike?
American girl: No way! No one is making me walk up some icy hill!
Fox Glacier
New Zealand
Categories: Bus drivers | New Zealand | Questions | Stupidity | Tourist attractions | Posted 2010-02-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
One Which Perhaps the Parrot Can Answer.
Female student to another: So, are you a pirate or a ninja?
Teacher: That's a great question!
Brisbane
Australia
Overheard by: I took a test and I'm both.
One Just Doesn't Work Without the Other
Festival-going dude: Well, you know me when it comes to pizza and titties!
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: would you like fries with that?
Also, He's a Cocker Spaniel.
Pilot, on PA system, after a slightly bumpy landing: Ladies and gentlemen, that landing was not me or the plane. That was our co-pilot--he's required to complete one landing a month. And he blew it. Welcome to Chicago.
Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Nonplussed Passenger
Categories: Compare and contrast | Illinois | Pilots | Plane | Stupidity | Posted 2010-02-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Maybe You Shouldn't Blow Him Whenever He Asks for It
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Aww... I love you.
Boyfriend: Thanks, buddy!
Girlfriend: What?
Boyfriend: I kinda like you too!
Girlfriend: I can't believe you. (to another girl) Can you believe that?
Kent, Ohio
Categories: Feelings | Hubbies | Ohio | Relationships | Posted 2010-02-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Felt Like I Was in an Episode Of Sliders
Hip girl to friend: So I went to this Vietnamese restaurant and apparently it's run by Chinese people. Can they even do that?
Sydney
Australia
Ones That Will Fit Over My Big-Boy Pull-Ups
Man in dressing room to employee waiting on him: Dude, I can see my ass hair. I'm a grown-ass man. Go find me some grown-ass man pants.
Las Vegas, Nevada
Prison Pretty Much Takes Care Of That, Anyway.
Teacher: So... then, what should happen to the guy?
Student #1: I think he should be sent to jail.
Student #2: I think that since he killed his neighbor, he should have to be killed himself. Get the death penalty. Ya know... "eye for an eye".
Student #3: That's the stupidest thing in the world. It doesn't work in all situations.
Student #2: Yes it does! Let's say some guy molests a kid, then the guy should... (pause) Ok... Nevermind.
High School
Illinois
Categories: Compare and contrast | Crimes | Illinois | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sex | Students | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2010-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Women Have Biological Clocks; Men Have Pop-up Timers
Woman #1: In all seriousness, given the choice, I don't know whether I'd prefer to be male or female.
Woman #2: It'd be really nice not to have cramps.
Woman #1: Yeah, and bleeding in public can be embarrassing, but perhaps less embarrassing than having things "pop up" unexpectedly.
Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Angelica Burns
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Gender issues | Maladies | Penis | Women | Posted 2010-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Right Now, Looks Like It's All in Your Hair.
Director to actress playing Johanna in Sweeney Todd: I just want to see a little spunk on your face.
Reno, Nevada
Overheard by: CarvingMyNiche
Here, You Drive.
Seven-year-old boy to playmate: Oh, well, I can't. I've had five beers already.
Dallas, Texas
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Kids | Kids | Texas | Posted 2010-02-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or They'll Get the Business-End Of Our Canes!
Seriously old lady: Tell the oil companies to piss off... We're taking over!
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: skeeta
Categories: Age and ageing | Australia | Old folks | Politics | Threats | Posted 2010-02-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Everybody's Dated a Mustache Girl-- Just Not Publicly
Boyfriend: Baby, you have to shave that mustache.
Girlfriend: Shut up! I keep telling you I'm getting it waxed.
New Jersey
Overheard by: Rebecca
Categories: Beauty | Couples | New Jersey | Offers and requests | Shaving | Posted 2010-02-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Old Is the New Dead
Guy on cell: You realize it is old people's only duty to die to get out of the way right?
International Airport
Louisville, Kentucky
Categories: Age and ageing | Airports & flights | Death & dying | Guys | Kentucky | On the phone | Posted 2010-02-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Business in the Front and Party in the Back?
Girl waiting for bus: A skort is like a mullet for your ass.
Ottawa
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Ass | Canadia | Clothing | Compare and contrast | Girls | Posted 2010-02-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
In Wisconsin, That's a 1-900 Number
Tween boy with arm around girlfriend: So, he actually tried to use my phone to call Hitler...
Wisconsin
Ryan Seacrest Was Pissed, Too
Man: Yeah, so the whole night he kept telling us that he had trapped this "goblin" and had locked it under the stairs. So finally, at the end of the night, we went to go check, and found that he had locked a midget in the crawlspace.
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Compare and contrast | Guys | Magic | Massachusetts | Stupidity | Posted 2010-02-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The First Rule Of Play-Date Is...
Girl #1: I just got a betta fish.
Girl #2, way too excited: Oh my gosh, I have one of those! You should bring yours over for a play-date!
Bellingham, Washington
Categories: Animals | Girls | Offers and requests | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Is He Talking About Vagina? Discuss.
Little boy to mother: Mommy, it smells like eating wieners... right?
Walgreens Parking Lot
Port Chester, New York
Overheard by: Ldawg
The Jigsaw Killer from Saw Sings "Blue Suede Shoes"
20-something hipster guy: There was the big drill for the alcoholic... Then they busted out the small drill and it was like... woah!
Coffee Shop
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: Vanessa
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Colorado | Drinking & drunks | Hipsters | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tonight on Ask Nurse Ninja
Woman on cell: You know what you should do? You should punch her in the temple. (pause) Well, you need to punch her in the temple so you can resolve this in a professional manner.
MARTA Train
Atlanta, Georgia
Categories: Advice | Body parts | Georgia | On the phone | Train | Violence | Women | Posted 2010-02-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wanna See My Needlpoint Thong?
High school freshman, examining friend's boot in hallway: These are like hooker boots, except crochet.
High School
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: One fine piece of needlework
Categories: Compare and contrast | Pennsylvania | Preppies | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sexuality | Shoes | Posted 2010-02-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Best Possible Kind
Girl: A vagina is a delicate flower!
Guy: It's a fucking hole!
Bayonne, New Jersey
Categories: Compare and contrast | Girls | Guys | New Jersey | Sex | Vagina | Posted 2010-02-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then We'll Rebuild the Engine in My Chevy
Girl #1, excitedly: Okay, this is where I leave you. I know you're going to forget all about this conversation when I go, but...
Girl #2, interrupting: No, no, I won't--I'm going home right now to google "demons" and "possession."
Girl #1, walking away: Right, good. We're going to make this happen!
Girl #2, heading in opposite direction: Even if everyone else thinks we're crazy!
Girl #1, vehemently, from across the street: It's all down to us, now! We'll exorcise that demon if it's the last thing we do!
Bethesda, Maryland
Overheard by: Only if I can watch...
They're As Thick-Skinned and Adorable As Kardashians
Girlfriend to boyfriend: What I want to know is why the hell people haven't domesticated the rhino yet!
Royal Ontario Museum
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Surprised
Categories: Animals | Canadia | Couples | Questions | Tourist attractions | Posted 2010-02-06 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Kidneys Will Take That Under Advisement
Man: You don't need that booze!
Woman: I know, but I'm getting it.
Man: Just don't drink the fun out of it.
Edwardsville, Illinois
Overheard by: M
Categories: Advice | Drinking & drunks | Illinois | Women | Posted 2010-02-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Resolution Remains Intact!
Girl: I haven't drank since New Year's.
Friend: That was yesterday, Tina*.
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Girls | New Jersey | Stupidity | Posted 2010-02-05 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Your Answer to Everything!
Preppy girl #1: You know you can't have sex for like, six moths after you have an abortion?
Preppy girl #2: That's stupid! Why wouldn't you just fall down some stairs?
Classroom
Ontario
Canadia
The Advent Of a New Sport
Sports fan to another: I'm telling you: you swing a wheel of cheese and hit a bird, that bird's going down.
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Laure
...Any More Questions About Your Paper Topics?
Psychology professor: Sex is best. Money is second best. Domestic violence is pretty cool.
Los Angeles, California
...I Don't Care What Your Forensics Team Found.
Male lecturer to friend: Well: in my defense, it wasn't my dildo.
Lancaster University
England
Categories: Colleges & Universities | England | Guys | Masturbation | Toys | Posted 2010-02-04 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Edna Krabappel Really Needs a Man
Teacher: These are the most... sensual... shells and peppers... that I have ever seen.
Ithaca, New York
Clearly, It's Unforgettable
Girl: Hey, do you remember that show The Littlest Hobo?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: That's all. I just wanted to remind you of it.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Meech
I Mean Unprepared to Fight Me
50-something grubby, scruffy-looking woman: Why are you dressed like that?
40-something very nicely dressed woman: What, you mean well?
KMart Parking Lot
Delaware County, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Jayvee
Everybody Thinks I Went to Eastern Europe for Breast Implants
Middle school girl: Normal bras don't work, because my boobs are, like, triangle-shaped.
Missouri
Well, Did You Give Them Prozac?
Guy: My mountains aren't blue anymore. I want a refund.
Tuscaloosa, Alabama
Overheard by: Mary
I Feel the Same Way About Jello Wrestling
Woman: How is that anything like bathing in holy water?
Man: Well, you know... it was wet!
Toronto
Canadia
The Monkey's Paw Is Especially Disturbing
Girl #1: It's just such a gross look, y'know? And she totally didn't have the body for it either. Total crotch octopus.
Girl #2: Crotch octopus?
Girl #1: Yeah, you know. When the fabric clings... and shows all your goodies?
Girl #2: Do you mean camel toe?
Girl #1: Yes! Right! Camel toe! I knew it had something to do with animals and appendages!
Bryn Mawr College
Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Clothes | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Girls | Pennsylvania | Stupidity | Vagina | Posted 2010-02-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The School Needs All Its Federal Funding
Student teacher: All right, guys, let's try that again. But this time with 30 to 40% less child death.
Clarksville, Maryland
Categories: Death & dying | Kids | Maryland | Students | Teachers | Posted 2010-02-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Have No Words for This Quote.
Woman: Do you have the book How to Fix Your Marriage without Words?
Saleslady: Sorry, it looks like we don't have that in stock right now.
Woman: Fuck!
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Taylor
Categories: Books | Customers | Employees | Insults | Relationships | Shopping | Washington | Posted 2010-02-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ad: He's Back, and This Time It's Very Personal
Girl on phone: When you get to the game room, don't sit next to Jesus, he's watching porn.
Georgetown, Delaware
Overheard by: Kate
Categories: Delaware | Girls | Jesus | On the phone | Porn | Posted 2010-02-02 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
NewsFlash: Community College Student Has Intimate Drug Knowledge. Film at 11.
Student: My girlfriend's theory on smoking is that it's good for you because it's natural.
Professor: Yeah, it's not like that crystal meth. That stuff's all chemicals.
Voice from the back: True dat!
Community College
Michigan
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Drugs | Health & Hygiene | Michigan | Smoking | Students | Teachers | Posted 2010-02-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And You Do, Ashley?
Black clerk: You have no idea what it's like to be a black man and be coughed on.
Shout-out: overheardlines.blogspot.com
Overheard by: lesly
Categories: Black people | Feelings | Overheard Lines | Weirdness | Posted 2010-02-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Your Parole Officer, Sir.
Man on cell: I'll see you then. You have a sexy voice... It's nice!
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: ktjane
Categories: Compliments | Guys | On the phone | Oregon | Sexuality | Posted 2010-02-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Now You Pay Attention?
Teacher holding VCR remote control: I keep hitting play, this stupid thing won't work. Must need new batteries.
(changes batteries)
Teacher: Damn thing still won't work, you'd think they would buy machines that work, how are you supposed to learn with such crappy materials?
Student in front row: Ummm... Is that the tape on top of the VCR?
Teacher: Goddamn it!
Manchester, New Hampshire
Categories: Education | Gripes | Grumpies | Insults | Kids | New Hampshire | Students | Stupidity | Teachers | Technology | Posted 2010-02-01 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
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