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July 2009 Archives
Once You Go Cowboy, You Get a Whole New Posse
Preteen girl #1, trying on cowboy hat: If I was a cowboy, would you be my friend?
Preteen girl #2: No.
Newburyport, Massachusetts
Categories: Clothes | Clothing | Massachusetts | Questions | Relationships | Tweens | Posted 2009-07-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Verne Troyer Has Forever Ruined That Role
Teacher: Oh my god, I love you, Erica! You're like a little me!
Student: Ew!
Middle School
Virginia
Overheard by: Eh, there are worse things
Categories: Bringing it back to you | Education | Feelings | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Teachers | Virginia | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Are We Giving Or Receiving?
Older man: You kids gonna come out and play?
Kid: Play what?
Older man: Cornhole.
Indiana
Tennessee Teenagers Have Only Two Options
Loud smoking kid: Man, I gotta help out at vacation bible school next week.
Girl: Why?
Loud smoking kid: I promised Zach I would if I wasn't in jail.
Sewanee, Tennessee
More Important Than You Knew
Brazilian guy to American: Pleeeeeaaase? Say it. Say it. Say "fucker de matriz" in English.
Brazilian girlfriend: He wants you to say (whispers) "motherfucker".
American guy: Okay. (blandly) Motherfucker.
Brazilian guy: No! Like an American, please!
American guy: Huh? Oh, "muthafucka!"
Brazilian guy, laughing giddily and clapping: Yes! Yes! Muthafucka, excellent!
ViaRail Train
Canadia
Overheard by: Jim
Categories: Canadia | Couples | Foreigners | Insults | Offers and requests | Train | Wishes | Words | Posted 2009-07-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some Lesbians Are More Convincing with Their Beards Than Others
Girl #1: Are you still going out with that guy you were with back in April?
Girl #2: (blank stare)
Girl #1: The one you were living with?
Girl #2: (blank stare)
Girl #1: The one with the dog?
Girl #2: (blank stare)
Girl #1: Little black dog?
Girl #2: Oh, Jack! Yeah, we're still together.
Bus
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Zoe
Categories: Animals | Bus | Girls | Questions | Relationships | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What You Took Away from That Lifetime Movie?
Young woman: I mean, bulimia is easy! But anorexia? That takes willpower!
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Overheard by: Mandy
Categories: Compare and contrast | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Michigan | Women | Posted 2009-07-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Be Afraid, Dear Reader. Be Very Afraid.
Man with thick accent on cell: The problem is that their religion is their life. They are diabolically opposed. (long pause) Yes. I think it is time for another crusades.
Salt Lake City, Utah
A Problem I Can Solve Simply by Getting a Drunker ID
Drunk college dude, explaining how he got kicked out of a club: They looked at my ID, then they looked at my face. My face was not as sober as my ID.
Metro, Orange Line
Washington, DC
Overheard by: funniest Metro ride ever
Categories: Body parts | Compare and contrast | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Students | Train | Washington, DC | Posted 2009-07-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Drag Queens Are Treated Like Livestock in Canadia
Four-year-old boy, dancing happily down sidewalk: I'm like a princess! I'm like Cinderella!
Mother: Except you stink. So more like stinkerella.
Calgary
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Kids | Moms | Parenting | Sensory experiences | Sexuality | Posted 2009-07-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Sherry Got Fired from Her Movie Critic Gig
Girl watching Christian Bale in The Dark Knight: If I had a cock I'd so fuck him in the mouth.
Racine, Wisconsin
...So Now Joe and I Are Dating.
Nine-year-old: Logan almost got a girlfriend!
Six-year-old: Really?
Nine-year-old: Yep. Remember Courtney?
Six-year-old: With the glasses?
Nine-year-old: Yeah. He asked her out on the bus, but she said no. After that, Joe was like, "I want a girlfriend," and I was like, "yeah, I know. Me, too, buddy. Me, too."
Swimming Pool
Louisiana
They Have No Idea What's Going on
Economics graduate to friend, looking around sadly at subdued crowd: We should go to the poli sci graduation later. I heard it's riotous.
UCLA
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Another Economics Graduate
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Education | Friends | Offers and requests | Science | Students | Words | Posted 2009-07-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Because Of the Short-Shorts and Rollerskates?
Curious brunette: Hey, is that casting agent friend of yours gay?
Exasperated brunette: No! That's the guy I sleep with sometimes. Why does everyone keep asking me that?
Rosepepper Cantina
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Amy Rose
NewsFlash: Craig Kilborn Lends Name to Chewable Prozac.
Little boy in handicapped stall: I like you... I like you, Craig... You relax me.
Ladies Room, Barnes & Noble
Saugus, Massachusetts
She's Broken a Lot Of Gay Hearts
Asian teenage girl, about sister who just left: She's so cute. She looks like a guy.
Sporting Carnival
Australia
Overheard by: Ouch
Categories: Asians | Australia | Beauty | Compare and contrast | Family ties | Sexuality | Teens | Posted 2009-07-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What's More Fun Than Tormenting Vegans?
20-something girl to friend: You should totally eat some meat. Maybe you'll get the meat sweats.
Wedding
Redlands, California
Overheard by: Ruben
Categories: Advice | California | Food | Friends | Girls | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-07-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Who Also Sweats Through His Pants
Babysitter: My dog gets hot walking.
Seven-year-old: How can you tell?
Babysitter: He sticks his tongue out, and his fur is really warm.
Seven-year-old: Sometimes when I'm out in the sun my hair feels hot.
Babysitter: Yeah, now imagine you have hair all over your body.
Seven-year-old: Like my dad.
St. Louis, Missouri
Categories: Animals | Babysitters | Body parts | Compare and contrast | Hair | Kids | Kids | Missouri | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-07-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Just Like the Magician Did Yesterday
Three-year-old girl, emerging from woods near campsite: Mommy, there are sticks in my pee hole.
Mommy: That's okay honey, just pull them out.
Kalalau Valley
Kauai, Hawaii
Too Late!
Girl, trying to measure three different spring pans: How are you going to measure that?
Guy: To be honest, I'm thinking about the size of my penis.
Girl: Um...
Guy: I think this one is the one that's seven inches.
Girl: Uh...
Guy: If anyone asks, I never did this.
Jersey City, New Jersey
Categories: Girls | Guys | New Jersey | Penis | Questions | Posted 2009-07-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Whew!
Girl in bus seat: Oh my gawd, look at all that discharge! Oh, wait, that's cum.
Houston, Texas
Let Me Guess: You're a Writer?
Loud 50-something woman, happy and upbeat: I'm just sad. And lonely!
Lafayette, Louisiana
Next Step: Getting Rid Of This Mullet
Woman #1, watching hobo in a dress: You know, I finally feel like I'm a metropolitan woman.
Woman #2: Why? Gotten used to the traffic, crowds, pollution and public transportation?
Woman #1: Well, yeah, but that's not why. See that guy in that dress over there? When I first came to the city, I would have been amused or shocked to see something like that. Now, my first reaction is: "Those shoes and socks don't go with that dress--and Macy's isn't that far away. Dude, go get some pumps!" I mean, how often do you think I would have thought to say "dude, go get some pumps" when I was still living in Ohio? I'm living the dream!
Financial District
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: And the jacket didn't match either
Meet the Science Channel's Number One Fan
Geeky kid: A glass cutter? Oh. My. God. This is a glass cutter! It cuts glass!
(mom tries to shush him)
Geeky kid, whispering: A glass cutter!
Hardware Store
San Francisco, California
Categories: Kids | Moms | Parenting | San Francisco | Stores | Stupidity | Technology | Posted 2009-07-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Hillary Rarely Lets Bill Play with Her Things
Girl, referring to a phallic-shaped pool toy: I would like my penis back now, thank you.
Claremont, California
Categories: California | Girls | Offers and requests | Penis | Toys | Posted 2009-07-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Although McDonald's Menu Is More Like Scat Porn
Cute, hungry 20-something: I love menus, they're like porn.
SEPTA Bus
Philadelhia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by:
Categories: Bus | Compare and contrast | Food | Idiots | Pennsylvania | Porn | Posted 2009-07-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Just Did His Horoscope
Conductor: Do not buy anything from the man in the yellow shirt and white tennis shoes. He will be arrested.
Subway
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Advice | California | Clothes | Clothing | Conductors | Crimes | Public Transportation | Train | Posted 2009-07-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Explosive Phosphorous Diarrhea Really Lights Up Public Transport
Stoned frat boy: That's some illuminating shit!
Oakland-Pittsburgh
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: the girl in the front of the bus
Categories: Drugs | Frat boy types | Pennsylvania | Stoners | Stupidity | Posted 2009-07-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What I Got You Last Year
Drunk male friend: What do you want for your birthday, baby? I can make it happen, just tell me what you want!
Really, really drunk birthday girl, pointing at someone else: I want in that guy's pants!
Norfolk, Virginia
Sigh. For the Last Time, I Could Never Date a Top.
Mom, to little kid: Is she your girlfriend?
Little kid: (shakes head emphatically)
Mom: Oh! I don't mean like that, I mean "friend that's a girl." I know Jenny is your girlfriend.
Little kid: Yeah!
Mom: And who's your boyfriend?
Little kid: I don't have a boyfriend.
Mom: But I thought Robert was your boyfriend!
Kennedy Space Center
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Isn't he a little young...?
In Between and During Periods Of Incarceration
Woman to mother being slapped in the rear by little boy: Oooh, your son is bad!
Mother: Yeah, I think he's gonna be an ass man when he grows up!
Jersey City
New Jersey
Categories: Age and ageing | Ass | Kids | Kids | Moms | New Jersey | Parenting | Strangers | Violence | Women | Posted 2009-07-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...So I Went Shopping for You
Guy to girl: I know about women. I lived with fifteen women. I know when you're going to get your period, and I can tell your bra size just by looking.
Kenosha, Wisconsin
These Cardboard Cut-Outs Were a Great Idea!
Grandma, with camera, to grandson (on Father's Day): Jordan! Go pose over there next to dad, dad, and daddy.
Macaroni Grill
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: SoConfused
Categories: Family | Family ties | Florida | Parenting | Restaurants | Posted 2009-07-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Love Was Free, Drugs Were Plentiful...
Ecstatic woman: Take me back to the 60s--when I was skinny!
Herman's Hermits Concert
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: serpent queen
Categories: Diet & weight | Virginia | Wishes | Women | Posted 2009-07-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Later, Steve Would Steal Them, And Have Them Surgically Implanted
Young boy, pointing enthusiastically at a goat: Dad! Dad! Look! That goat has some big ol' balls!
Father, indulgently: Mmm-hmm. I like that one.
San Antonio, Texas
With Sex, You Either Have a Good Time or a Good Story to Tell
Teenage girl: Yeah, he just couldn't orgasm! I spent like three hours on that shit, and after about an hour I was so thirsty I wanted to say "hold up, I'm gonna go get a big gulp." (friend bursts into laughter)
Birmingham, Alabama
Like Romeo and Ghouliet or A Midsummer Night's Scream
Girl to guy: Most Shakespeare works could have totally been done with zombies!
Kennesaw State University, Georgia
Overheard by: Dr. Hypokrit
And a Tranquilizer Rifle
Guy on cell: Don't expect it to be as great as the last time we were in Malibu, though. Unless you bring your funny hat.
The Coffee Bean
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Clothes | Clothing | Compare and contrast | Guys | On the phone | Posted 2009-07-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Whole Thing Smacks Of Effort
Hipster chick to hipster dude: If you could do any profession, what would you do? Like, if you gave your whole self to something?
Hipster dude: I don't know.
Hipster girl: I would be a tree surgeon.
Hipster dude: What's that?
Hipster girl: Like, it's an environmental way to trim trees. I would go around climbing trees all day and snipping them, and like, live in the forest. But I probably won't do that.
Hipster dude: Oh.
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Categories: Hipsters | Jobs & Careers | North Carolina | Questions | Stupidity | Wishes | Posted 2009-07-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Perhaps the Most Important Thing We Learn from Our Fathers
Young dad, trying to put struggling kid in high chair: Come on, don't be a dick.
Restaurant
Brisbane
Australia
...Or at Least Make Out in It.
Teenage girl being pushed in shopping trolley, singing loudly: Nineteen! You're only nineteen, for god's sake, oh, you don't need a boyfriend!
Teenage boy pushing girl, monotone: Everybody is looking at you. They think you're a lesbian.
Teenage girl: I feel like such a rebel! But we should return this trolley, like dutiful citizens.
Geelong
Victoria
Australia
Categories: Age and ageing | Australia | Compare and contrast | Relationships | Sexuality | Stupidity | Teens | Posted 2009-07-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's the California Default Setting
Girl #1: You're retarded.
Girl #2: Yeah, me too.
San Diego, California
Categories: Bringing it back to you | California | Girls | Insults | Mental illnesses | Stupidity | Posted 2009-07-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tell Anyone, And I'll Burn You With This Acid Exfoliant
Guy #1: What is that?
Guy #2, holding sunscreen: Oh, it's sport sunscreen. My mom made bring it.
Guy #3: Dude. Why do you have so many ointments?
Guy #2: The back of my legs get burnt.
Guy #1: You moisturize?
Canada's Wonderland
Vaughan, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Shan
Categories: Body parts | Canadia | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Parenting | Questions | Posted 2009-07-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Damn IRS!
Married man at party: They went after my nipples!
Washington
Overheard by: Salazar
Categories: Guys | Nipples | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
An Equation That Changes After Puberty
Mom to young daughter: No, you don't get a lollipop just because you're wearing underwear.
Dulwich Village
London
England
Overheard by: Didn't get a lollipop either
Worst. Job Interview. Ever.
Woman #1: Are you wearing sexy underwear?
Woman #2: No, just cotton.
Arts and Crafts Show
New York City, New York
Overheard by: Karlene Kuhn
Tonight on Logo
Guy with girl #1, yelling: Oh, hey! How's it going? I love your haircut!
Guy with girl #2, walking in opposite direction: Thank you.
Guy #1: Thank you!
Guy #2: You're welcome.
Guy #1: I love you!
Guy #2: I love you, too.
Olympia, Washington
Categories: Compliments | Feelings | Girls | Guys | Hair | Stupidity | Washington | Posted 2009-07-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Can I Get a High Five? Anybody? Anybody?
Man with sons and wife: We made good time. Only took an hour.
Wife, getting angry: Would you stop letting people know how ignorant you really are?
Man: So what? We did the Louvre in 45 minutes.
Reina Sofia Museum
Madrid
Spain
Overheard by: amy abes
Categories: Comebacks | Family | Family ties | Insults | Questions | Spain | Stupidity | Time Management | Posted 2009-07-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Which Is Totally a Girl
Guy #1: Dude, have you seen this picture?
Guy #2: Nah, dude. Show it to me.
(guy #1 shows guy #2 picture of naked girl in a scenic background)
Guy #2: Dude, do you think it's gay that I think the scenery is the prettiest thing in this picture?
Guy #3, walking by: No, you just want to fuck the planet.
Carmel, Indiana
What Happens When You Read the Thesaurus at Bedtime
Little girl to dog: Lucy, no! I admonish you!
Perry Square
Erie, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kat
And Will, Too, At The Drop Of a Hat
Seven-year-old boy: Jonas Brothers! The Jonas Brothers can suck my ass!
Borders
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Amy D
Categories: About celebrities | Ass | Glad the condom broke | Gripes | Insults | Kids | Music | Texas | Posted 2009-07-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wow. Suddenly I Loathe Myself.
Client: So, how will we work it out if I want a custom tattoo designed?
Tattoo artist: Have you ever been shopping with your girlfriend where you just sort of follow her around for a while and point stuff out until you figure out what she wants?
Client: Yeah...
Tattoo artist: It's just like that, except you're the girlfriend.
Americana Tattoo Parlor
Augusta, Georgia
Overheard by: Clarissa St. Tacocrotch
In Hindsight, the Bible Could Have Been a Lot Worse
Young teenage girl with pink furry boots, rainbow hair, and seven facial piercings: Hey, if you were god, what would you do?
Young teenage boy with shaggy hair, acne, and a little boy face: I'd kill my foster parents.
Young teenage girl, totally ignoring her friend's response: I would totally make the world flat, so we could travel just by folding it in half. Imagine how much time and money I would save everyone!
Packed Train during Rush Hour
Calgary, Alberta
Canadia
It Needs Watering, If You Follow Me
Woman on phone: As long as she can wear it without showing her lady garden, then that's fine by me.
Christchurch
New Zealand
Categories: Clothes | Clothing | New Zealand | On the phone | Vagina | Women | Posted 2009-07-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's Your Shadow, Britney.
Translucently pale white girl staring at cop car, to equally pale friend: My god, we've turned into black people!
Aurora, Colorado
Overheard by: Lee
...Is It the Weekend Already?
Teen guy: Hey, Louise, do you wanna know why David broke up with you?
Teen girl: Because he was cheating on me...
Teen guy: No. Well, I shouldn't really say this, but David is gay.
Teen girl, surprised: Again?
Bus
Stockholm
Sweden
Categories: Bus | Gossip | Infidelity | Questions | Relationships | Sexuality | Sweden | Teens | Posted 2009-07-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Clearly You've Never Had to Deal with a Crying Five-Year-Old
English teacher: Literature just isn't exciting unless people suffer. Like Dora the Explorer, nothing bad ever happens to her. The show would be a lot better if her monkey got hit by a car and died, wouldn't it?
High School
Calgary
Canadia
Overheard by: mcoo
Categories: Animals | Books | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Education | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teachers | Posted 2009-07-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We're Lucky the Wildfires Keep Us Safe
Girl #1: There are these bees in Asia, and they like shoot venom at you and it like eats your skin or something.
Girl #2: Wow, that's crazy, man! Remind me never to go to Africa.
High School
Scottsdale, Arizona
They Don't Tell Me to Burn Things! I Swear!
Customer: Hi, I'd like to return these pants.
Store manager: Can I ask why?
Customer: The pants talk.
Store manager: (...)
Customer, frantically: I mean, they pop! They pop!
Burnsville, Minnesota
Overheard by: I had to return a pair of talking pants once too
Australian Baseball Is a Bit Different from Ours
Teen boy to group of friends: So okay, all we need to take with us is some glue, feathers, some petrol, and a lighter.
Friend: Cool.
Sydney
Australia
You Don't Know What They're Made Of 'til They Get in Hot Water
Old lady to son: People are like teabags. You know?
Wyoming
We Love This Kid
Mother, to four-year-old daughter looking at birthday party decorations: What kind of birthday party do you want, honey? Princess? Dora?
Four-year-old daughter: Red.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Sarah
I Mean, What Good Is a Briefcase Without Briefs?
Old dude to another, reminiscing: You still got that briefcase with all that underwear in it?
Kansas City, Missouri
But They're Also Mother and Daughter
Airhead #1: Are you cousins with her?
Airhead #2: Not really... her mom and my mom are sisters.
Toronto
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Family ties | Idiots | Questions | Stupidity | Posted 2009-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You Don't Accept My Low, Low Introductory Offer Right Now
Mother to kid: Stop that right now, or I'm going to give you to a stranger!
Stranger: Good luck finding one who'll take her.
The Baltimore Aquarium
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Cols
Categories: Family ties | Kids | Maryland | Moms | Parenting | Should have used a condom | Strangers | Threats | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And It Was in My Baby's Diaper for Safekeeping the Whole Time
Judge: The police found drugs in your house?
Mother: It was just a little crack, and it was only there for two days.
Ulster County, New York
I Probably Need to Get Out Of Culinary Arts
College girl in workout gear: No, I don't really like to eat. I mean, I don't really like food. I just have to eat it, you know?
College friend: Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes I think, you know I could just live off of Gatorade or orange juice or something. You get the same nutrients and stuff from that anyway.
College girl in workout gear: Yeeeeah. Exactly.
Bus
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Anorexics | Bus | Diet & weight | Food | Friends | Students | Stupidity | Washington | Posted 2009-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If That's Your Sex Club, I'm Not Interested.
Guy: Hold my backpack for me.
Turkish girl: No.
Guy: If you hold my backpack for me, I'll let you into the European Union.
Middlebury College
Middlebury, Vermont
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Foreigners | Girls | Guys | Offers and requests | Politics | Stupidity | Vermont | Posted 2009-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Judging from What I've Seen on YouTube
Teen daughter: Mom, what does an orgasm feel like?
Mom, looking at older daughter: Ask your sister, she'd probably know better than I would.
Portland, Oregon
Meeting Kevin Sorbo Is Always an Experience
Guy to friend: So he asked "How's the leather work going?" So we went out and got some skins and string and made some loincloths.
Pierce County Annex
Tacoma, Washington
Ummmm....
Teenage girl: Blowjobs are lesbian sex.
Red Bank, New Jersey
Categories: BJs | New Jersey | Sexuality | Teens | Posted 2009-07-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Aesop Tried Peyote
Dude: You fail to see that the rhinoceros is not pleased that you've clogged the bathtub drain with jam and celery. She's quite angry with you. I mean, if you just shit out a canary, it's not going to want to play tonsil hockey.
Friend: How hard would it be to get you involuntarily committed to a mental institution?
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Russ
Categories: Animals | Bathing | Birds | Colleges & Universities | Food | Friends | Guys | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Mental illnesses | New York | Questions | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Only in the Holodeck, Though.
Proud girl: Ever since I gave up drinking, I have been drinking so much wine.
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Girls | Illinois | Pride | Stupidity | Posted 2009-07-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Freedom's Just Another Word for Lots Of Flab to Lose
Conservative Jewish girl: I think that the draft should be required, like in Israel. That way, every guy would have a great body, and I could let loose and get me a hot one more easily.
UC Santa Cruz
California
Categories: Beauty | California | Compare and contrast | Jews | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Do You Do, Uh, Blown Glass?
Old Polish lady, bitching about price of handmade jewelry: So you're paying for the hand job and not the stone?
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
Categories: Clients | Jobs & Careers | Money | Pennsylvania | Questions | Women | Posted 2009-07-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yes, But It's Pronounced "Canadia"
Professor: Back then they actually had Hell located on the map. It was in the north.
Student: In Canada?
Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Claire
We Will Now Test This Hypothesis Empirically
Student: Crack cocaine is the best thing since fried rice!
UC San Diego
San Diego, California
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Drugs | Food | Students | Posted 2009-07-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Being a Bank Teller Rocks!
Guy to woman sitting down: The really great thing is that you'll never have to wear pants again!
Portland, Oregon
...She Put Two Drinks Up There?
Sorority girl to another, sitting in booth: Girl, I was double-fisted all night long last night!
Gay dude #1, quite loudly, to gay dude #2: Oh my god! That is so nasty! Who on earth would ever say something like that out in public! I wouldn't want anyone to know that anyone could do anything like that to me, let alone enjoy it! Nasty bitches!
Gay dude #2 to gay dude #1, very quietly: Um, I think she meant she had a drink in both hands, you idiot.
Gay dude #1: Oh.
Chinese Restaurant
Lexington, Kentucky
Overheard by: j-we
Categories: Drinking & drunks | Insults | Kentucky | Masturbation | Queers | Restaurants | Sorority types | Wishes | Posted 2009-07-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Gotta Love the New Razr Phone
Freshman girl, gesturing: I bet it's thiiiis tiny!
Big black freshman, barreling up stairs: No! I'll show you!
High School
Skillman, New Jersey
Overheard by: 3 guesses at what they're talking about.
Categories: Black people | New Jersey | Offers and requests | Penis | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Presenting, the Deepest Person at Banana Republic.
Aspiring fashionista: What if I die today and regret that I never dressed up all the time? But if I worked at Banana Republic, I'd be forced to dress up.
BART Train
Berkeley, California
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Categories: California | Clothes | Death & dying | Fashion | Idiots | Jobs & Careers | Questions | Stupidity | Train | Posted 2009-07-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Which Is Why the White House Has Stopped Letting Him Make Calls
Woman at diner: So I answer it, and he goes "Hi! Happy 9/11!"
Restaurant
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: of bugle be uncouth
Categories: Happiness | Restaurants | Washington | Weirdness | Wishes | Women | Posted 2009-07-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then Where Are the Coconuts, Brainiac?
Tourist to park ranger: How do I get to Mt. Desert Island from here?
Park ranger: Ummm, you're standing on it.
Tourist: No, I'm not.
Park ranger: Yes, you are.
Tourist: This is ridiculous, I'm going to report you to the government.
Park ranger: No, really, you're on the island.
Mount Desert Island, Maine
But It Makes a Cool Gurgling Sound
10-year-old boy to another: Yeah, if you smoke it that way you can still get cancer. But if you smoke it through a water bong... yeah, about the same.
Toronto
Canadia
Overheard by: Lauren
And I Know What "Autoeroticism" Means
Four-year-old in shopping cart: Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda! (repeated over and over)
Mom: Stop that! Stop saying that!
Four-year-old: (continues)
Mom: You don't even know what that means! Just because you don't know what something means doesn't mean you can just repeat it like that. (turns to man behind her in line) I don't know where he gets this stuff.
Four-year-old: I heard it from you, crazy!
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Lindsay
I Embraced Your Principles and Your Boyfriend
Teen girl #1: We're the same person.
Teen girl #2: You have syphilis.
Eugene, Oregon
Overheard by: nyssa
I Don't Know Whether To Laugh, Say "Awww....", Call DSS, Or Puke In My Mouth
Lady on cell: Just because she's wearing big-girl panties doesn't mean she's not your baby.
Target
Midwest City, Okahoma
...as Salad Dressing.
Creepy mustached dude: Yep, so that's nine weeks of good urine testing. And about four weeks ago, I started using my own.
Dunkin' Donuts
Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: All I wanted was a coffee
Categories: Connecticut | Creepsters | Health & Hygiene | Pee | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Regardless, I Am Now Spearheading a Search for My Pants
Teacher: If I say "I put pants on today," it's very different than if I say "Perhaps I put pants on today."
High School
Falls Church, Virginia
Overheard by: amused student....
Religious Freedom's Expensive
Teacher: Why did the Pilgrims come to America?
Student: Because they wanted to dig for gold!
(later)
Teacher: Why did the Puritans come to America?
Student: Oh! I know this one! They're the ones that wanted to dig for gold!
East Greenbush, New York
It's Like the Miracle Of Hanukah!
Ultra-skinny hipster chick: I've been eating the same quiche for weeks.
Portland, Maine
Overheard by: Koch
Categories: Chicks | Diet & weight | Food | Hipsters | Maine | Skinny people | Posted 2009-07-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Text Wouldn't All Fit.
Nerd #1 to another: How do you write "dd" in hexadecimal again? I forget...
(they turn to look at fat woman walking by)
Nerd #2: I would not write a dissertation on her boobs. No way.
PATH Train
Hoboken, New Jersey
Overheard by: I wouldn't either
Sweetie, You're Not Even Wearing a Shirt Today.
Girl #1: For Halloween we should dress up as something we're not!
Girl #2: Then I'm going as a slut!
(other girls in the group stay silent and look awkward)
Girl #2: Bitches!
California
Categories: California | Clothes | Girls | Insults | Posted 2009-07-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
From Stephen King's The Passion Of Christine
Little girl: Where is Jesus?
Bored babysitter: Umm, I don't know... In your heart?
Little girl: Well, then guess what?
Bored babysitter: What?
Little girl: I'm going to punch him! (starts punching herself in the heart)
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Babysitters | Body parts | Canadia | Feelings | Jesus | Kids | Kids | Questions | Violence | Posted 2009-07-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Add Some Lower-Back Tattoos and She's Hot
Teenage boy, to group of friends: You take an ugly chick, stick her on a bike, and she's okay! (friends nod)
Old Town
Pasadena, California
Overheard by: The Girl, Kat
Categories: Beauty | California | Friends | Teens | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Many People Start Fires.
Tourist chick, looking at rescuer on poster: Wow, if I knew I'd be rescued b a guy as hot as that, I would just jump.
Grand Canyon West Rim
Arizona
Overheard by: Long way down
I'm Just Psyched to Have the Opportunity to Mock It
Tween #1, excitedly: Oh my god! Look, it's High School Musical stuff!
Tween #2: I hate High School Musical.
Tween #1: Oh, well... so do I!
Hickory Hollow Mall
Nashville, Tennessee
Overheard by: i hate it too
Let the Nitpicking Begin!
Guy to girlfriend: You know, I got the crabs.
Girlfriend: Emm... okay.
Guy: Guess what?
Girlfriend: What?
Guy: You got 'em too, stupid!
San Francisco, California
That's the Beauty Of Singapore-- You Don't Have To.
Guy: Obviously, you've never been to Singapore.
Girl: Obviously, you've never pleased a woman.
Capitol Hill
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: bethany
Mr. Bradshaw Sometimes Needs Help with the Basics
Loud guy on cell: Terry! Terry! Listen to me! Use that shampoo! And the conditioner! Get your hair the same way it was last week! (pause) Okay, see you there. Bye.
Oxford Street
London
England
Categories: Advice | Bathing | Cleanliness | England | Guys | Hair | On the phone | Posted 2009-07-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That They Transport Illegally in Their Quilts?
Student: So wait, the Amish have, like, all natural steroids?
Tempe, Arizona
Overheard by: J.
Categories: Arizona | Health & Hygiene | Questions | Religion | Students | Posted 2009-07-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What You Said About the Dentist's Chair!
Middle aged woman #1: I want to see the flag exhibit.
Middle aged woman #2: Me too! I hear it's just like Space Mountain.
Smithsonian National Museum of American History
Washington, DC
Categories: Compare and contrast | Pop culture | Washington, DC | Wishes | Women | Posted 2009-07-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Let Me Guess-- Rainbow Sherbert?
Drunken girl: I don't know, Luke, I'm just sick and tired of people who want to sit in their rooms and watch YouTube videos and eat sherbert.
Drunken guy: You don't like sherbert?
Drunken girl: No, I like it... but only with adventure.
Drunken guy: I wanted adventure. I feel kind of bad, though, that I didn't experiment enough.
Drunken girl: With what?
Drunken guy: With guys. I don't know, it just hasn't happened.
Drunken girl: Well, don't rush it. If you let it happen naturally, it will.
Drunken guy: But what if I don't like it? And say, "No, this isn't for me"?
Drunken girl: Let's go eat something.
Drunken guy: Sherbert?
Drunken girl: Yep.
Claremont, California
More Like Interesting Fungal Formations
Teen: I don't know. I always have great art on my toes.
Choate Rosemary Hall
Wallingford, Connecticut
Categories: Body parts | Connecticut | Teens | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Don't Bite the Hand That Grades You
Annoying professor, about optical illusion on slide: What do you all see here?
Student: A moron with tenure.
Carleton University
Ottawa
Canadia
Lest a Fire Hose Become Your Bidet
T conductor, over loudspeaker: Sir! The world is not your toilet!
Park St. Station
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Conductors | Massachusetts | Pee | Public Transportation | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Eventually I Quit My Job and Began Living Off the Settlements
Black man jaywalking into oncoming traffic: I always loved playing in traffic. Ever since I was little. There's something wrong with me, man!
Scranton, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: reluctant scrantonian
Categories: Age and ageing | Black people | Pennsylvania | Stupidity | Posted 2009-07-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
See the Iron-On Label?
Mormon-looking hick teen: (holds up shirt and looks at his mother)
Hick mom: Gawd, no! That is Satan's shirt!
Wilmington, North Carolina
Overheard by: Amy
Categories: Clothes | Evil | Moms | North Carolina | Parenting | Religious fanatics | Teens | Posted 2009-07-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Have a Friend Named "Halfbreed"?
Smoker girl: How did you get that scrape on your arm?
Inked boy: Well, TJ picked me up in the parking lot the other night after the club, like literally, picked me up and carried me over to Halfbreed, and threw me to him, but Halfbreed didn't know what was going on and so we both fell over.
Smoker girl: Ouch.
Inked boy: So apparently, all it takes to knock him down is a hundred-thirty-five pound Italian projectile surprise.
Smoker girl: Do you stay awake at night thinking of these little quips? Or do they just come to you in moments of genius?
Inked boy: No, I thought of it that night. I've just been waiting to use it.
Providence, Rhode Island
Not Even by New Jersey Standards?
Guy, tenderly hugging girlfriend: You're right, you're not worthy.
Red Bank, New Jersey
Categories: Compare and contrast | Couples | New Jersey | Relationships | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
West Side Story: The Lost Dialogue.
Woman: Jorge, I wanna go to Kmart!
Man: Yeah, and I want chop suey. We all have our dreams, Maria.
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Kate
Lindsay Lohan's Bedside Table?
Lady, looking bewildered at companion: Well, where would you be if you were a sex book?
Bookstore
Birmingham, Alabama
Overheard by: Knows exactly where he would be
An Excerpt from How I Knew I Was Gay
Tween: Glitter isn't a color, it's an emotion.
Perth
Australia
Categories: Australia | Compare and contrast | Fashion | Feelings | Tweens | Posted 2009-07-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Sort Of Thing That Keeps Us in Business
Guy, telling girl how to inspect screws in a table: Reach up, right up in there...
Girl: Right here?
Guy: Yeah, can you feel it?
Girl: Uh-huh...
Guy: Okay, now can you play around with it with your finger?
Girl: Uh-huh...
Guy, after long pause: You know, if anyone overheard this conversation, it would sound pretty bad.
Security Park
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Cool Breeze
That's Obviously the Isaiah Washington Memorial
Middle-aged wife: Oh, honey, look! It's the George Jefferson memorial.
Middle-aged husband: Seriously. You are such an idiot.
eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Categories: Couples | Eavesdrop DC | History | Insults | Stupidity | Posted 2009-07-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...After Thinking About the Poor Children in the World Who Aren't Even Allowed to Poop
Girl to friend eating yogurt: You know, yogurt makes you shit.
Friend, frightened: Does it, really?
Girl: I dare you to take the Activia challenge.
Friend: Nah! I'm not in the mood to poop today.
Fire Island, New York
Overheard by: i laughed at this
It Was Softball League-- We'd Both Been Drinking
Supportive male friend: It's okay! Just remember, you fucked her sister with a baseball bat.
Cute girl: I know, I know...
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Lonely Old People Will Answer to Anything
Boy, to teenage girl: Hi, Lisa.
Old man, entering: Hi.
Cafe
Eugene, Oregon
Your Editors Badly Want to Hear the Joke for Which This Is the Punchline
Woman to another: And I said to him, "well, if I had oily hands, I wouldn't come into your office and wipe them on your underpants!"
Portsmouth
England
Not to Mention Bourbon Sprawl
Teacher: Does anyone know how many people live in Chicago?
Student: I think it's like 7 million.
Teacher, looking at student awkwardly: I'm not quite sure it's that many.
Student: Well, that's not counting all the proverbs...
College
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Julie
Sure You're Not Thinking Of Herman?
Student: Hey, sir, did you hear about James?
Teacher: No.
Student: He's got fifteen people living in his head. Want to join them?
Teacher: No, not a chance.
Bristol, Vermont
Overheard by: Misaki
AndNone Of Your Trickery Is Going to Get Me to Admit That We Do
Patron: Double cheeseburger and small fries, please.
Counter boy: We don't have small fries.
Patron: What sizes do you have?
Counter boy: Medium, large and extra large.
Patron: Which size is the smallest?
Counter boy: Medium is the smallest.
Patron: Fine. I'll take the smallest, then.
Counter boy: We don't have small fries.
McDonald's
Bloomington, Indianapolis
Perhaps Another Bong Hit Will Clarify Things
Professor: What does 95% confidence mean?
Weird kid: It means there are 95 parallel universes between the values!
Professor: Well I don't know about that.
Kalamazoo, Michigan
Something Approximately the Size Of a Baby Carrot
Old lady: I'm not very hungry, I'm gonna have something small.
Old man: If you wanted something small, we would have stayed at home and I would have given you something small.
Lester's Diner
Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Gay Babies May Fail to Grasp the Point
Mom with eight-month-old to other parents with small child: Yeah, I've already told his dad he's going to have to give him some sort of remedial breast lessons when he's older...he's bad with the boobies.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Raina
I Get All My Internet News from the Radio
Teen girl: Hey guys! I heard there's going to be like, a digital Armageddon today!
Teen boy: I think that's a hoax.
Teen girl: No, but I heard it on the radio (pause) They wouldn't have reported it like that if it was fake.
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: H. G. Wells
Categories: Lies | Pennsylvania | Pop culture | Stupidity | Technology | Teens | Posted 2009-07-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Either Way, Your Old Life Is Over
Woman: I imagine that finding out you have a tumor is very much like finding out you're pregnant.
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Health & Hygiene | Maladies | Stupidity | Women | Posted 2009-07-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But Do They Need Math Tutoring?
Suit on cell: And then we'll use the leftover money for the Asians!
Bellevue, Washington
Overheard by: Curious
Categories: Money | On the phone | Race | Suits | Washington | Posted 2009-07-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ah Well, You Can Always Become President.
Professor: Isaac Newton, on his deathbed, was proud to announce that he was a virgin. So if any of you want to be famous scientists, you are going to have to be willing to make a few sacrifices.
Girl, raising hand: Um.
Professor: Oh, is it too late?
De Anza Community College
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl loves physics
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Death & dying | Education | History | Questions | Science | Students | Teachers | Virginity | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When the Producers Of Cops Join the National Geographic Channel
Professor, talking about archaeological surveying: Even in the mountains, people will be hunting, farming, running from the police.
Glasgow
Scotland
Overheard by: sarah
Lightly Stroke It.
Flight attendant: Contrary to popular belief, pushing the button with the flight attendant on it will not turn your flight attendant on. So don't push it.
Flight to New York
Overheard by: Erica Lynn
Categories: Advice | Airports & flights | Flight attendants | New York | Public Transportation | Stupidity | Posted 2009-07-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Some People's Dirty Talk Should Be Confined to the Bedroom
Girl on cell: I have midterms! I don't have time to go to the fat lady with the lollipop! (pause) Buh-bye.
Roosevelt University
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: morgz
Categories: Candy | Education | Girls | Illinois | On the phone | Time Management | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Meet the Inventor Of the Bulletphone
Physics student: If you go faster than the speed of sound, can you...hear...into the future?
Kingston High School
Kingston, New York
Categories: Compare and contrast | New York | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Science | Sensory experiences | Students | Posted 2009-07-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nobody Who's Been to England Ever Has to Ask
Pretty tween girl, looking around on busy street: What's with all these ugly people taking up all the space?
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Beauty | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Questions | Tweens | Posted 2009-07-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Edgar Allan Poe, You Get Out Of That Crypt This Minute!
Frowning little boy among kids running and playing: I wonder if this building is haunted. (pause) You should really keep an eye out for these things.
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Fears | Kids | Kids | Magic | Washington | Posted 2009-07-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Have You Been Smoking Under the Fire Sprinklers Again?
Dude #1: Man, I hope it doesn't rain, I left my windows down.
Dude #2: It did rain just a little while ago.
Dude #1: Where? Outside?
Dude #2: What?
Lafayette, Louisiana
So Smuggle Something Spreadable, Like Whipped Cream.
Flight attendant, describing Australia's quarantine practices: And if you do not declare any foodstuff and you get caught you may face on-the-spot fines, or prostitution.
Flight to Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Erik
Categories: Airports & flights | Australia | Crimes | Flight attendants | Food | Sex | Posted 2009-07-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
President Bush Directs a Rendition Of The Wizard Of Oz
Tourist: Are you a good Muslim or a bad Muslim?
Haunted Mansion, DisneyWorld
Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: Eric
Categories: Compare and contrast | Florida | Questions | Religion | Tourists | Posted 2009-07-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Law & Order Doesn't Take Place in San Francisco
Young Asian cop easing old Asian man out of police car: My first day on the beat and already I'm finding out about and busting illegal Mahjong parlors! I didn't know they existed!
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: McF
Categories: Asians | Cops | Crimes | Games | Jobs & Careers | Old folks | San Francisco | Posted 2009-07-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But He's a Fantastic Gymnastics Coach.
Girl #1: He stabbed me in the face, but he awright.
Girl #2: (unintelligible)
Girl #1: Yeah! It's like he don't care about my well-being.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Categories: Body parts | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Michigan | Relationships | Stupidity | Violence | Posted 2009-07-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Was Alvin and the Chipmunks Banned in Canadia?
Lady #1: So we have these squirrels in our backyard, and I don't know if the rabbits got to them or what, but they don't have any tails, just these stubs.
Lady #2: (laughs loudly)
Union Station
Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Canadia | Violence | Women | Posted 2009-07-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...You Wanna Go to Build-a-Bear?
Roid Rager, angrily: Nobody gives me the finger while I'm driving!
Hipster, calmly: Well, you need to slow down. It's a parking lot.
Roid Rager, enraged: You wanna do something about it?
Hipster: No. I'm not gonna fight you in front of Sears.
Rockaway Mall, New Jersey
Overheard by: Joe Bagodonuts
Woody Allen Was a Tedious Child
Teacher to four-year-old boy: How do you like your teacher?
Four-year-old boy, frustrated: I don't. She's always yelling at me.
Teacher: Well, it will be okay. At least you'll be going home soon.
Four-year-old boy, throwing hands in the air: No, it won't! It's never going to end!
Indianapolis, Indiana
Sadly, Also the Current Plot Of The Real World
First grade boy: I had two girlfriends but I lost one.
First grade girl: Didn't one of them kiss you?
First grade boy: Yeah, Hannah told Alexis to kiss whoever she liked more, and it was me and this other girl, and she was going to kiss her, but then she kissed me and we've been together for, like, forever.
First grade girl: Yeah.
Lakeville, Massachusetts
Overheard by: was still playing with barbies- clothed
Categories: Compare and contrast | Feelings | K-I-S-S-I-N-G | Kids | Massachusetts | Questions | Relationships | Students | Posted 2009-07-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hard to Believe, with All the Japanese Tourists.
Teen at Disneyland, loudly to a group of family and friends: Everyone's butt is obvious!
Disneyland
Anaheim, California
Categories: Ass | California | Compare and contrast | Family | Friends | Teens | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...While the Three Little Pigs Watched Through Binoculars.
Psych professor: Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a sexual encounter.
Purdue University
West Lafayette, Indiana
I'm Beginning to Suspect They're Not Twist-Off
Girl #1: Yeah, bananas cost less than apples.
Girl #2: No way, I'd totally choose apples over bananas.
Girl #1: Really? I'd choose bananas, they fill me up more.
Girl #2, thoughtfully: I can't open bananas.
Canadia
I Asked If There Were Any Questions About the Midterm, Greta.
Girl: Do you ever feel like you have a feather in your pants?
Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Clothes | Connecticut | Girls | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-07-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Let's Ask the Jews to Be on Our Side, Though
Teen girl to friend: We could be like the next Hitler, but cooler!
Friend: Oooh, awesome!
Toronto
Canadia
...Just Eat More Popcorn and You'll Be Fine
Guy #1: Dude, I wonder how Orville Redenbacher is still in all those commercials when he's been dead for, like, a bazillion years?
Guy #2: Maybe he's a zombie.
Guy #1: Or a robot.
Guy #3: Or a zombie robot.
Guy #1: Seriously, dude. I think you've been reading too much sci-fi.
Bellingham, Washington
Categories: About celebrities | Books | Death & dying | Guys | Questions | Washington | Zombies | Posted 2009-07-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Especially Since It Was Wii Sex
Guy #1: So are you seeing that girl now or what?
Guy #2: No, man, she has a boyfriend.
Guy #1: But didn't you sleep with her last weekend?
Guy #2: Dude, I slept with you last night. It doesn't mean anything.
Winnipeg
Manitoba
Canadia
Overheard by: Steph
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Guys | Questions | Relationships | Sex | Sexuality | Posted 2009-07-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Read It in This Travel Brochure
Girl: All you Boston niggaz suck, ya'll pussies be leaving the party at two.
Guy: Cause niggaz get shot at three.
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Sam
Categories: Girls | Guys | Insults | Massachusetts | Murder | Time Management | Posted 2009-07-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then There Was the Guy We Stabbed and Stuck in the Dumpster...
Hungover girl #1: I really feel like an ass.
Hungover girl #2: Why do you feel like an ass?
Hungover girl #1: Well I did throw a drink on someone.
Hungover girl #2, nodding: And got kicked out of the bar twice.
Wilmington, North Carolina
Categories: Ass | Compare and contrast | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Girls | North Carolina | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Always Wondered What Went on at Those Methodist Schools
Chick: I chased him into the boys bathroom, and now I'm all wet!
Millsaps College
Jackson, Mississippi
Categories: Chicks | Colleges & Universities | Education | Gripes | Mississippi | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Paul Begins His Search for a Gardener.
Girl, surprised: A naked man??
Guy, after introspective pause: No...I prefer them in tights.
St. Paul, Minnesota
Almost As Great As "O Hanukah" on Kazoo
Guy on cell: Have you ever heard "Dreidel, dreidel " played on guitar? It's fucking awesome!
University of Delaware
Newark, Delaware
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Delaware | Guys | Music | On the phone | Questions | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-07-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
By the Time It Was Over, I'd Broken All Ten Commandments
Blonde 20-something to sister: This morning I was rinsing my mouth with mouthwash and also peeing, and then I realized I had to sneeze and I was like, "uh oh...this can only end poorly" ...because I was kind of stuck.
Bellingham, Washington
Categories: Cleanliness | Health & Hygiene | Mouth | Pee | Sensory experiences | Siblings | Washington | Posted 2009-07-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Is Why I Divorced Your Father
Mother to child: You need to get up off the floor.
Kid: No!
(small dog approaches, starts licking kid's face)
(kid laughs as mother becomes even angrier, then dog begins humping kid)
Kid: Get him off me, get him off me!
Mother, calmly: See? This is what happens when you lie on the floor. This is why we can't lay down on the floor.
Portland, Maine
Raise Your Hand If You Share His Irrational Love Of Costco
Random male shopper: We're looking at meat accessories!
Costco
Raleigh, North Carolina
Overheard by: Anna
Categories: Clients | Food | North Carolina | Shopping | Stores | Posted 2009-07-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...If It Were Spelled with a Silent T.
Teenager: Hey, which terminal is baggage claim?
Airport employee: Terminal T.
Teenager: Wait...which one?
Airport employee: Terminal T. "T" as in "Charlie."
JFK Airport
New York City, New York
Overheard by:
Categories: Airports & flights | Employees | Names | New York | Public Transportation | Questions | Stupidity | Teens | Words | Posted 2009-07-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Unless My Cousin's Available.
Nerdy-looking teenage boy: No way, going to the school dance with a partner seriously decreases my chances of getting laid.
Outside School
Washington, DC
Categories: Dancing | Education | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sex | Teens | Washington, DC | Posted 2009-07-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Mostly Just Between the Sheets.
Girl: So we decided to be friends.
Friend: Wait, in real life or on Facebook?
Brown University
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: krr
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Friends | Girls | Internet | Questions | Relationships | Rhode Island | Posted 2009-07-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or All Christmas Music After a Few Egg Nogs
Girl #1, listening to strange music: What is this? It sounds like hypnotizing propaganda music.
Girl #2: It sounds like underwater Christmas music.
Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Compare and contrast | Girls | Illinois | Music | Weirdness | Posted 2009-07-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Real Secret Behind Jared's Weight Loss.
Girl #1: I haven't kissed him in over a week because he has mono. But a couple days ago we went out to Subway, and then to my house to eat it and watch a movie. Well, he went home and I saw what I thought was my Subway cup, so I took a big swig out of it.
Girl #2: Oh, no!
Girl #1: Yeah, and I said "screw it!" and I just decided to make out with him, since I missed it so much. But I've been feeling a little crappy lately.
Girl #2: (stares)
Girl #1, thoughtfully: I hope I'm not getting sick. (pause) Oh, this shirt is cute!
UCCS
Colorado Springs, Colorado
Overheard by: Dazeys
It Was the Best Of News, It Was the Worst Of News
Young girl in stall with mother: Mommy, what's that?
Mother to young girl: It's called pubic hair, sweetie...all women have it. When you get older, someday you will get some.
Young girl, mortified: Nooooooooooo!
Mall Restroom
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Monica
Categories: Age and ageing | Hair | Kids | Malls | Moms | Parenting | Questions | Restroom | Should have used a condom | Vagina | Washington, DC | Posted 2009-07-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Welcome to San Francisco
Dude to friend: And then I look over, and there's this giant white cock! (holds hands two feet apart)
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: Missed the good part
Categories: Friends | Penis | Race | San Francisco | Posted 2009-07-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Piss Christ Comes to Dallas
Man #1: Hey, are those bathrooms?
Man #2: No...that's art.
Discovery Green Park
Houston, Texas
You Can Sell the Blood to Marilyn Manson for a Bundle.
Professor: Now, I want you to listen to what McCormack does with this last phrase. And then I want you to go slit your wrists. Because I know I do every time I hear this.
Peabody Conservatory
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Emo has nothing on opera
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Education | Feelings | Maryland | Music | Students | Teachers | Weirdness | Wishes | Posted 2009-07-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Either One or the Other, These Days.
Blonde guy: And it burned the whole way down! I think my esophagus hemorrhaged.
Skinny guy: Hey, at least you didn't eat nine bowls of pudding.
Kansas State University
Overheard by: Michele
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Food | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Kansas | Skinny people | Posted 2009-07-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The First English Settlers Called It "Feculanta"
British guy on cell: Ugh! I just stuck my umbrella in something that resembles feces!
MARTA
Atlanta, Georgia
Categories: Georgia | Guys | On the phone | Poop | Words | Posted 2009-07-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
For Example, They Blush When You Cook 'em
Sweaty guy: Lobsters are self-aware, man.
(friend #1 and friend #2 nod in agreement)
Sweaty guy: Yeah, I used to work in this restaurant, and we'd make this lobster soup every day. I'd put one lobster on the counter and one in the boiling water. Dude, as soon as the first lobster hit the water, his buddy would start freaking out. He would put his claws up, like he was pleading for his life.
Friend #1: Yeah, they're smart. My friend's family had a pet lobster. He'd eat with them and everything.
Friend #2: Like on The Simpsons!
Sweaty guy, to himself: Lobsters are self-aware. Crabs, they don't give a shit, but lobsters? They're self-aware.
Portland, Oregon
Overheard by: Karl