Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
May 2009 Archives
Wishes He Had a Girl Who Looked Good He Would Call Her?
White girl to white guy: Oh, I get it. So a baller pops his collar.
St. Louis, Missouri
Overheard by: Emmitt
Why Lightbulb-Shaped Buttplugs Exist.
Punk girl: A lamp?
Punk guy: While it was still on.
Punk girl: Didn't that like...burn the colon?
Punk guy: Apparently it wasn't on at first. Someone decided to plug it in as a joke.
Punk girl, giggling: Oh my god...what happened with that?
Punk guy: I don't know--all I know is that it involved the hospital.
California
Categories: Ass | California | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Guys | Punks | Questions | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And That Won't Give Her a Yeast Infection?
30-something black man on cell: Yeah. Put ketchup on it, it tastes like spaghetti!
All Star Cafe
Berkeley, California
Categories: Advice | Black people | California | Compare and contrast | Default | Food | Guys | Offers and requests | Restaurants | Posted 2009-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Like, "Everybody Dies-- Walk It Off!"
Guy with mullet on cell: He's in that "oh, my wife just died" mood. (long pause) Yeah, I know. Boo-hoo, ya fuckin' pussy!
Plantation, Florida
Overheard by: Just wants to buy some Spaghetti-O's
Categories: Death & dying | Default | Feelings | Florida | Guys | Relationships | Vagina | Posted 2009-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Cheez-Its for Dinner Now, Beeyotch!
25-year-old man: Hey, Bella, I got you funyuns!
Five-year-old girl: Ewwww!
25-year-old man: Well, fuck you then.
Lake View Terrace, California
Overheard by: James Jameson
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Default | Food | Girls | Guys | Kids | Kids | Words | Posted 2009-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When I Went Into Insulin Shock, the Joke Was on Her!
Loud fat man on bus: When I first found out I had diabetes, I had my wife go out and buy me a big case of pudding cups. I opened each one up and poured them into a tub with some milk.
Friend: Oh?
Loud fat man on bus: My mother-in-law didn't believe I could eat it, but I sat down in front of her and drank the whole thing, just to spite her.
Portland, Oregon
Categories: Default | Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Fat people | Food | Guys | Maladies | Offers and requests | Oregon | Posted 2009-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Cute Puppets!
Guy to couple: Hey there, what are you doing ?
Man: I'm teaching Nikki sexual sign language.
Hinckley
England
...Did I Just Say That Out Loud?
Businessman on cell: I could barely see over her head, dude! It was like reading Klingon for the first time.
Independence Avenue
Washington, DC
Categories: Body parts | Books | Compliments | Default | Guys | Pop culture | Washington, DC | Posted 2009-05-31 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...to Use the Proper Measurement Units.
50-something man to another: I got a bunion you could hang a hat off of.
Durand Eastman Golf Course
Rochester, New York
You Realize That Means "Highly Pleasant to the Taste or Smell"?
Black girl #1: Girl, it is freezing outside.
Black girl #2: Girl, I know, right?
Black girl #1: Nigga, you know what? I don't have any blood, and since I don't have blood I turn blue all over. All the blood I do have is in my ass, because it is so luscious.
Black girl #2: Oh, nigga, I know that is right!
University of North Carolina at Greensboro
Categories: Ass | Black people | Colleges & Universities | Default | Feelings | Girls | North Carolina | Questions | Weather | Words | Posted 2009-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And She'd Squirtle in Her Pants
Girl #1: Okay, so my sister was watching Pokemon the other day, and asked me a question about it, and I don't know what to tell her.
Girl #2: Well, what is it?
Girl #1: She was wondering, since there are no animals in the show, like cows or anything, if when they ate meat they were eating Pokemon.
Girl #2: Don't tell her the truth, it'll break her nerdy little heart.
Utah
Categories: Animals | Body parts | Default | Family ties | Feelings | Food | Girls | Questions | TV shows | Utah | Posted 2009-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Counting the Nuts, Of Course
Young ice cream customer: I'm going to get a large sundae.
Competitive young ice cream customer: Oh, yeah? I once had a sundae that was so big it was...it was... (thinks about it) up to the top of Jesus!
Dairy Queen
Victoria
Canadia
Overheard by: bemused in Dairy Queen
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Customers | Default | Food | Jesus | Kids | Kids | Offers and requests | Questions | Posted 2009-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And That the Nineties Are Over
Drunk teenage boy: Heyyy, ssssuuuuupp, buddd... (stumbles away)
Sober teenage boy: I guess he's too drunk to notice that we're not friends.
Red Bank, New Jersey
Categories: Default | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Guys | New Jersey | Relationships | Teens | Words | Posted 2009-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Do You....Want A Hug Now?
Glamorous blonde mother, curiously: Did I pay you enough attention as a child?
Dark haired alternative daughter: Um...how do you mean?
Glamorous blonde mother: Did I not hug you enough?
Daughter: Why?
Glamorous blonde mother: Well, you're not...well...not very mainstream are you?
Daughter, in shock: Well, if there's anything wrong with me, it's your fault, isn't it!
Liverpool
England
Ad: Have You Sustained a U.D.I.?
Bartender to limping girl entering bar: Are you limping? Oh my god! What happened?
Limping girl: Damn, you weren't here last night, I was hoping you'd tell me!
Washington, DC
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Bartenders | Default | Girls | Offers and requests | Questions | Washington, DC | Wishes | Posted 2009-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Urinetown: The Musical in a Nutshell
Boy to friends: C'mon, we're going to watch Johnny pee!
New Jersey
Overheard by: CS
Categories: Default | Guys | New Jersey | Offers and requests | Pee | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sex with Livestock Is a Close Second.
Professor: Apparently nothin' says lovin' in Louisiana like carving your name into the Bonnie and Clyde monument.
University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee
Overheard by: darkhorse
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Feelings | Names | Teachers | US Geography | Wisconsin | Posted 2009-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And You Were There, and You Were There, and You Were There...
Teacher to students: And then you thought we were going to an imaginary place...but it was Louisiana!
High School English Class
Sweden
Overheard by: It was real?
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sweden | Teachers | US Geography | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Your Editors Are Unaccountably Aroused
Girl in restroom #1: I just found an eyelash in my bellybutton!
Girl in restroom #2: Is it yours?
Girl in restroom #1: Yeah...I think.
Auburn University Student Union
Auburn, Alabama
Categories: Alabama | Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Default | Girls | Questions | Restroom | Students | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And the Trendy Diseases?
Hot girl: I've spent so much on condoms since I got here that I think it would be cheaper to just have the damn kids by now.
Westwood, California
Categories: California | Condoms | Default | Family ties | Girls | Kids | Money | Pregnancy | Posted 2009-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Sign Here and Initial Here
Kindergarten teacher: Hey, what are you doing?
Little girl: Nothing, but I can repair it if you want me to!
Kindergarten
Norway
The Doctor Said You Border on Mumu Fat.
Woman: You should shop at Lane Bryant!
Girl: Mom, that's a fat girls store!
Woman: I shopped there when I was 17, and you're much fatter that I was!
Hendersonville, Tennessee
Overheard by: Tanner
Categories: Advice | Age and ageing | Compare and contrast | Default | Family ties | Girls | Shopping | Tennessee | Women | Posted 2009-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...When Everyone Knows the Point Of Sex Is to Tone One's Abs.
Anthropology teacher: That's just like saying the point of sex is to have an orgasm. If that were the case you could do it yourself! There's no need to involve another person!
University of Delaware
Overheard by: Terrance Williams
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Delaware | Masturbation | Orgasm | Sex | Teachers | Posted 2009-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
God Decides to Test Out a More Adorable Grim Reaper
Little boy, excitedly: Everybody's dying these days!
Hooksett, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Evee
Categories: Death & dying | Default | Guys | Kids | Kids | New Hampshire | Words | Posted 2009-05-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wanna Race?
Drunk girl puking in bathroom stall to drunk girl puking in stall next to her: It's okay! I'm throwing up too!
Wake Forest University
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Girls | Health & Hygiene | North Carolina | Posted 2009-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
NewsFlash: Teen Sober. Film at 11.
Sober teen: The mall is, like, all about clothes now.
Towson, Maryland
Overheard by: Sven Johnson
Earth Belongs on the Ground, Not on Me
Flamboyantly gay man on cell, sashaying student union: Apparently there was like a three-day no shower policy to attend this Earth Day function! Whatever, I didn't get the memo.
UNC
Greensboro, North Carolina
Overheard by: Caroline
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Guys | Health & Hygiene | North Carolina | Office politics | Students | Posted 2009-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Hate When They Do It While You're Driving, and You Can't See the Road
Frustrated gamer playing The Legend of Zelda: Did you see that? She's such a slut! Her vagina was just totally up in link's face. And he's like, twelve. Why are women like that all the time?
University of Massachusetts
Overheard by: the girl in the corner cramming for finals
Categories: Age and ageing | Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Default | Guys | Insults | Massachusetts | Questions | Vagina | Posted 2009-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nothing Says Spring Like the Scent Of Ice Cream and Urine
Small boy with ice cream cone, trying to get mom's attention: I peed my pants! I peed my pants! Mommy, listen to me, I peed my pants!
Mom, deadpan: I bet that's real uncomfortable for you.
Dad to son: When we get home we are just gonna have to hose you down.
Son to dad: Oh yeah, make me lay on the yard and then spray the hose on me, and on my penis, and down my pants on my penis!
Boy's brother, from minivan: Ew! You can spell the pee!
Bucks County, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: free birth control
In the Glass Box That Says "Break in Case Of Emergency"
Guy, walking into Planned Parenthood: Hey, I just locked my keys in my car that's just around the corner. Can I borrow a coat hanger?
Girl working front desk: Uh, do you know where you are?
Guy: No.
Girl working front desk: Well, we keep 'em in the back!
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: Morgan Roddy
With My Tongue
Asian woman: You know, I'm not normally a lesbian. I was just scoping out the competition last night!
Christchurch
New Zealand
...What's Your Thesis Advisor Like?
Guy, walking angrily: She thinks that vampires evolved, so now they can be out in the sun like normal people. She also thinks it's degrading to have sex in any position other than missionary, when she's sober.
University of Delaware
Overheard by: what???
Categories: Animals | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Delaware | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Sex | Posted 2009-05-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unless She Gets Knocked Up Again in the Interim
Girl #1: So do you have any friends who are total disasters like us, who would want to go to Vegas that weekend?
Girl #2: I have a friend who's getting an abortion next week.
Girl #1: Oh, good, so she'll be good to go by then.
Bar
Phoenix, Arizona
Overheard by: Orkide
Categories: Abortion | Arizona | Bars & Clubs | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Questions | Relationships | US Geography | Posted 2009-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, Learn How to Spell.
Adult male to adult female and teen: You know what I told her? I says "you're a cunt, with a capital K."
Outside Skateboard Shop
Chattanooga, Tennessee
A...*Cough*...Teabagging Emergency?
British male, contemplating the last two teabags left in the chalet: We'd best save one in case of an emergency.
Orelle
France
Your Karate Instructor?
Little girl, waiting for a ride home from school: What is my mother doing that's more important than me?
Beverly Hills, California
Overheard by: Anon Y. Mouse
Categories: California | Compare and contrast | Default | Family ties | Girls | Kids | Questions | Posted 2009-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Afraid It's Just Cold Cuts for the Dead
Teacher: Where does the friar discover the bloodstains in the tomb?
Student #1: In the kitchen!
Teacher: There's no kitchen in a tomb.
Student #2: Well, dead people got to eat too!
Student #3: No they don't, stupid!
Student #4: Wait, don't people get hungry when they die?
9th Grade English Class
Louisiana
Overheard by: Is it Summer Vacation Yet?
Categories: Death & dying | Default | Louisiana | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Stupidity | Teachers | Posted 2009-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
To Be Fair, This Is His Answer to Everything
Instructor to swim class: Okay, who can tell me one thing we can wear to protect ourselves from the sun?
Three-year-old boy, after much thought: Teeth!
YMCA
Easton, Pennsylvania
Categories: Body parts | Default | Guys | Kids | Kids | Offers and requests | Pennsylvania | Questions | Teachers | Posted 2009-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Else Can You Make an Omelette, Though?
Girl to friends: Well, he's really nice, but I'm not sure if he'd like destroying the babies.
Oxford
England
Overheard by: HERTFORD
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Compliments | Default | England | Girls | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Kept Gagging Into My Wide-open Mouth
Guy: So Jeff's cousin came out.
Girl: I knew he was gay! He's like, the only guy I didn't make out with on New Year's.
Guy: You totally made out with him!
Girl: Yeah, but he wasn't into it.
Ramat Aviv
Israel
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Europe | Family ties | Girls | Guys | Holidays | Sexuality | Posted 2009-05-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why You're Not Supposed to Return to the Scene Of a Crime
Little girl to store employee: Do you remember us?
Employee: Yes, of course I do.
Little girl: Oh, no! Run away! He remembers us!
Mission Viejo Mall
Mission Viejo, California
Categories: California | Default | Employees | Girls | Kids | Kids | Malls | Memory lane | Offers and requests | Questions | Posted 2009-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unfortunately, George Michael Took the Advice.
Kid #1: Yo, man! You're missin' somethin'."
Kid #2: What?
Kid #1: Yeah, you look weird now that you got a haircut.
Kid #2: Huh?
Kid #1: You need to get some earrings!
SUNY
Old Westbury, New York
You've All Done That at Band Camp.
Band instructor, about section: No, no, clarinets! It has to be short! Like pizzicato--pluck it, like a g string!
Band students: (attempting to contain laughter)
Instructor: Aww, c'mon, what the hell!
High School
Mattawan, Michigan
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Michigan | Offers and requests | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teachers | Words | Posted 2009-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Shouldn't Marry Anybody Who's the Boss Of You, Honey
Little girl to dad: Daddy?
Dad: Yes?
Little girl: Why can't brothers and sisters get married?
Toronto
Canadia
Is That a Multiple Choice Question?
Hooker, yelling at pimp in parked car: Lemme axe you somethin: fuck you!
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: rob w.
Your Editors Are Baffled, but Amused
Girl #1: I wish there were swing sets at college.
Girl #2: I know. Spain better have swing sets.
Girl #1: For when you're abroad?
Girl #2: No, just in general.
Claremont, California
Overheard by: swinging
Categories: California | Default | Education | Geography | Girls | Offers and requests | Questions | Wishes | Posted 2009-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dear Skanky Girl-- Call Me -- Love, Dave
Skanky girl sitting at outdoor lunch table: I wanna have sex on the bleachers, I wanna have sex in the classrooms, I wanna have sex in the principal's office, I wanna have sex in the teacher's lounge...
High School
Missouri
Overheard by: Jacob
Categories: Default | Education | Girls | Missouri | Offers and requests | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sex | Posted 2009-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So the Giant Swastika Tattoo Was Perhaps a Poor Idea
Dude to group of guys: When I fuck a girl, I don't want to be remembered. I want to be forgotten.
Echo Park, California
Overheard by: Angry Sandwich
Categories: California | Default | Guys | Memory lane | Sex | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Makes Up for My Lack Of Boobs.
Short Asian chick to tall white guy: Oh my gawd, I've got it! So, heat rises, right? So it's probably all warm up there where you are, and down here with the normal people it's cold, and that's why you don't think it's cold, even though it's freaking freezing! Gawd, I love being an Asian! I come up with the most genius shit!
Muirlands Middle School
La Jolla, California
Categories: Asians | California | Default | Feelings | Girls | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Weather | Posted 2009-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Hey, I Tried Pilates for You Guys.
Beefy tattooed inmate: Hey, does anyone know how to play twister?
(rest of unit groans)
Vancouver Island Maximum Security Prison
Canadia
...Is the Thesis Of My Biology Essay.
Chubby girl: Oreos are better than amphetamines.
Chambersburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: gidgetgirl
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Fat people | Food | Girls | Maladies | Pennsylvania | Posted 2009-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Fine-- Just Don't Wake Me
Guy to drunk girl at a party, whispering loudly: Will you have sex with me?
Drunk girl: No.
Guy: Please?
Drunk girl: No.
Guy: Aww...come on!
Omaha, Nebraska
Thanks to Oregon's No-Fault Dumpster Law
Girl #1: My tampon just fell out when I ran across the street. Great...how's it gonna be when I have a baby?
Girl #2: What? Tampons and babies go in the same place?
Girl #3: Yeah, the garbage disposal.
Girls #1 and #2: What?
Girl #3: I meant the dumpster.
Portland, Oregon
No Wonder It's Spreading So Fast
Teen #1 coming out of arrival gate to friend: So, when do we start coughing, sneezing and squealing to freak people out?
Teen #2: Dude, people with the swine flu don't squeal!
Teen #1: Then why the hell do they call it that?
Teen #2, jokingly: Because you have to fuck a pig to get it?
Teen #1, seriously: Well, that makes sense!
Logan Airport
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Airports & flights | Animals | Default | Guys | Massachusetts | Names | Questions | Sex | Teens | Posted 2009-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
As Opposed to Those Infuriating Sign Language Songs
Hipster to friends: They have really cool songs, 'cause you can, like, listen to them.
Hipster friends: (nod and mutter in agreement)
Corner Brook
Newfoundland
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compare and contrast | Default | Hipsters | Music | Sensory experiences | Posted 2009-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...and Rent All the Cool Cars
Little girl: (talking over airport announcement)
Father: Quiet for a second!
Girl: (continues talking until announcement is over)
Father: Great. What if he was saying "Run! Zombies!"? We'll be sitting here like idiots while the zombies come...
O'Hare Airport
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Airports & flights | Compare and contrast | Dads | Default | Family | Guys | Illinois | Offers and requests | Questions | Zombies | Posted 2009-05-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
One Of the More Awkward Responses to "I Love You"
Man to woman: You know what I really love? My hair.
Oberlin, Ohio
Overheard by: jaytro
Who Will Punch Me in the Ovaries Regardless.
Drunk punk girl #1: Oh my god! Is that a raccoon? I think it's staring at me!
Drunk punk girl #2: That's a fuckin shirt, you retard.
Drunk punk girl #1: Well, if it bites me, I'm punching you in the ovaries!
Drunk punk girl #2, muttering: I need new friends.
Outside Bar
Niagara Falls, New York
Categories: Animals | Bars & Clubs | Body parts | Clothes | Default | Drunks | Girls | New York | Offers and requests | Punks | Threats | Violence | Posted 2009-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Promise I'll Try It at the Neighbors' House First
Guy on phone: Yes, they light on fire. Yes, I won't do it in my room.
Saratoga, California
Categories: Advice | California | Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Have You Ever Even Been to New York City?
Student, talking about Marxism and class struggle: Above ground, it's really nice, and there are buildings and cars, so that's the bourgeoisie. And underground is the proletariat, because it's messy, and it's basically just...dirt.
(class nods in silent awe).
High School
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: embarassed to be here
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Money | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Students | Stupidity | Washington | Words | Posted 2009-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Alice Had Yet to Learn to Scream "Back the Fuck Off Me!"
Terrifyingly cheerful woman, handing out christian pamphlets at bus stop: Hello! Would you like something to read on the bus?
Girl, already reading large book: I'm, uh...I'm already...
Crazy looking hobo, scoffing and muttering to girl: People can be insane.
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Books | California | Crazies | Default | Girls | Hobos | Offers and requests | Public Transportation | Questions | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-05-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Trevor Had Watched One Lifetime Movie Marathon Too Many
Thug #1, in restroom stall: Oh, shit!
Thug #2, outside restroom: What's goin' on?
Thug #1: Why's it bleeding? It's bleeding! Why's it bleeding?!
Thug #2: Yo, you better wash your goddamn hands after you done in there.
Crossgates Mall
Albany, New York
Overheard by: Dack
...I Allowed the Holy Spirit Into My Life.
Disgruntled freshman girl #1: Ugh, I hate that guy. He is like, you know, so... Ugh!
Disgruntled freshman girl #2: I know, right?
Rude sophomore guy, interrupting: Oh, me and him? We're like porn buddies!
(awkward silence from girls)
Rude sophomore guy: What? That was like, before.
Cainta
Rizal
Philippines
Overheard by: happened to be eating lunch
Aced It!
Girl, after US history exam: How did you do on the essays?
Serious boy: Well, I drew hand turkeys on three pages of the answer booklet, and on the fourth I drew a picture of Samuel Glompers riding a tortoise while holding a marble cake.
High School Gymnasium
West Palm Beach, Florida
I Was That Baby!
Three-year-old girl: Did you hear about the baby that ate shirts?
Three-year-old boy #1: Did you hear about the baby that ate hats?
Three-year-old boy #2: Did you hear about the baby that ate people?
Denver, Colorado
Shouldn't There Be an IQ Prerequisite?
Woman: So when are you guys riding?
Man #1: Three weekends from now, or maybe a month...
Woman: Isn't it too cold outside to ride motorcycles?
Man #2: Not if you're drunk!
Downingtown, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Crys
Categories: Default | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Pennsylvania | Questions | Stupidity | Time Management | Weather | Women | Posted 2009-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Rumor Which, Unfortunately, Will Stay in Vegas.
Guy in wife beater on phone: She said my dick was just too long.
Casino
Las Vegas, Nevada
...Now It's My Turn to Say Something About Cavity Searches
Security: What are you studying?
Girl checking books in X-ray machine: Proper oral technique.
Security: (snickers)
Girl: Dentistry!
Security: Oh.
Airpot
Newcastle
England
Categories: Airports & flights | Candy | Default | Employees | England | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Questions | Posted 2009-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When College Early Admission Goes Too Far
Psychology professor, discussing babies: If this thing didn't smile, it would be in the trash.
Rutgers University
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Feelings | New Jersey | Teachers | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Remember the Time We Woke Up Handcuffed to That Goat?
Girl: Oh my god, Amanda*, I haven't seen you in so long. I feel like I'm making bad decisions because I haven't seen you.
Amanda*: Ha, I feel like I'm making too many good decisions because I haven't seen you. We need to get me in more trouble. And maybe keep you out of it.
Hamilton, New Jersey
Overheard by: Currrly!
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Feelings | Girls | New Jersey | Relationships | Posted 2009-05-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Apparently She Didn't Know That, Either.
Seven-year-old girl with speech impediment: I told everyone in class I was going to the Kentucky Derby.
Mother: Did people know what the Derby was?
Seven-year-old girl: Alicia didn't! She was like "what is the Derby?" but everyone else in the class knew!
Mother: Well, that is because she is from Russia.
Seven-year-old girl: And New Hampshire.
Mother: She's from Russia.
Seven-year-old girl: And New Hampshire?...I told her I was sorry she was adopted.
Southwest Flight above Chicago, Illinois
And When I Moved They Followed Me, Like Eyes
Hipster to boyfriend: There are certain places that you expect a woman's nipples to be, and hers were not in any of those places.
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
According to My Report Card.
Little boy to teacher: I am the ultimate unicorn!
Michigan
My Autobiography Features Some Great Tips.
Chick to cop interrupting honor students' discussion: Oh, um, we were just talking about how we would cover up a murder.
Cop, laughing: Oh, you would not believe how many times I've heard that...
Metro State College
Denver, Colorado
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Colorado | Cops | Default | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Murder | Posted 2009-05-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Then We'll Hold This Nice Man Up.
Father with two small sons dressed in Halloween costumes, walking into liquor store: Okay, guys, now pick out the kind of whiskey you want and go put it up on the counter.
Oshkosh, Wisconsin
Categories: Dads | Default | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Kids | Offers and requests | Stores | Wisconsin | Posted 2009-05-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Too Realistic, Huh?
Teenage girl on bus: Oh, fuck. What is this world coming to? It's like it gets worse and worse.
Teenage guy sitting beside her: What? No. This wouldn't be the worst thing that's happened. Bad things happen all the time. Think about worse things going on right now, or that have been going on, for like, forever.
Teenage girl: It feels like it's getting worse, though.
Teenage guy: But it's not, though.
Teenage girl: Yeah, but, these bad things keep happening. It always keeps happening.
(pause)
Teenage guy: I wanna go see Watchmen.
Teenage girl: Don't, I heard it's not that good.
Bus
Ontario
Canadia
I Find the Current Lend-Lease Arrangement Quite Satisfactory
Guy: I am making this shitty 50% less sodium Progresso chicken noodle soup. Tastes like penis!
Girl: Always an appealing taste.
Guy: If I ever get a twitter, that's my first status.
Girl: I'm tempted to get one. (pause) A twitter, not a penis.
University of Kansas
Categories: Birds | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Food | Girls | Guys | Internet | Kansas | Penis | Posted 2009-05-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Colleges Really Should Let Freshmen Drive
Guy at comic book store: The last thing I want to see when watching Transformers is the car crying in the garage all alone because the kid is going away to college.
Muskegon, Michigan
Every Presentation Was Brought to Us by the Letter "O"
Chick: I was in your area during lunch and thought about asking you to meet me for a quickie.
Dude: What the fuck? And you didn't, because...?
Chick: I had to drive some coworkers back to the city. Wasn't sure what to do with them while we copulated.
Dude: Do what my parents did, sit them down in front of the tv, turn on Sesame Street and turn it up!
Conshohocken, Pennsylvania
Categories: Default | Family ties | Food | Girls | Guys | Jobs & Careers | Offers and requests | Pennsylvania | Questions | Sex | TV shows | Posted 2009-05-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...and Take It.
Professor: And then your cilia just lay the fuck down...
Omaha, Nebraska
I'm All A-Tingle in My Bad Places.
Young hipster guy to another: You're so pretty when you're pretty!
Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Iwalei
We've Now Lost Brain Cells Just Talking About Texas
Queer: You should move to Texas. You haven't been there yet.
Chick: Are you kidding? I am in no way hot enough to live in Texas. For one thing, I'd need way bigger boobs.
Queer: Oh, honey. That's what plastic surgery is for!
The Castro
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: lucy
Categories: Advice | Body parts | California | Default | Girls | Offers and requests | Queers | Questions | Posted 2009-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
With the Gift Of Judging Cup Size by Sight Comes Great Responsibility
Guy on porch to girl with big boobs in low-cut top: I love me some triple Ds!
Girl with big boobs in low-cut top: Good call!
Rutgers University
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Default | Feelings | Girls | Guys | New Jersey | Words | Posted 2009-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Um, Okay.
Sorority girl #1: Oh my god! I am like, not okay. I am not okay.
Sorority girl #2: Oh my god, are you okay?
Sorority girl #1: Yeah, I'm okay. But do you see me? I am not okay!
Bathroom, Gettysburg College
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: just trying to pee
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Feelings | Girls | Pennsylvania | Questions | Sorority types | Words | Posted 2009-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Jeez, Even the Vatican Doesn't Go That Far
50-something clipboard guy: Excuse me miss, do you have just a couple minutes for campus international?
Girl: Sorry, I don't believe in other countries.
University of Minnesota
Overheard by: Cornielius
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Geography | Girls | Guys | Minnesota | Offers and requests | Questions | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Penis.
Professor: I can assume people don't walk on their hands, but some people might do it to fool me, because I have a robot.
George Mason University
Fairfax County, Virginia
Overheard by: NoRobot
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Hands | Teachers | Technology | Virginia | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Every Angelina Jolie Movie, in a Nutshell
Sex and Violence professor, at the end of the semester: You are sexy, you are violent. It's been an honor.
Pomona College
Claremont, California
Overheard by: Mell
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Compliments | Default | Sex | Teachers | Violence | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Like the Ad Promises!
Girl outside changing room: How are those other pants working for you, Jen?
Girl in changing room, frustrated: I feel like the devil himself crafted them to make a mockery of my ass.
Mall
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Overheard by: almost broke a rib trying not to laugh
Musical Chairs?
Guy: It's all just an elaborate excuse to teabag someone!
Sandy Springs, Georgia
I Prefer to Think Of Them As My "Solar Panels"
(blind shuts in lounge area, blocking really bright sunshine, everybody quickly looks up)
Hot Chinese girl: Hey!
Friend: And finally they drop the blinds. My eyes were starting to hurt.
Hot Chinese girl: But I like the sunshine! It's so bright and warm and it emphasizes my boobs by casting shadows on my chest!
University of Toronto
Canadia
Categories: Asians | Body parts | Canadia | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Friends | Girls | Weather | Posted 2009-05-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Maybe Add in Homicidal and Go for the Hat Trick?
Girl: Well, if he's okay with handicapped, he'll be okay with crazy.
El Paso, Texas
Categories: Advice | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Relationships | Texas | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Let's Just Say I Gave Him Extra Coaching After That
Faculty master: You know, our building won the sportsmanship award this year. It wasn't thanks to me, though. Some kid kicked a ball out of bounds, and I yelled "you play soccer like a freshman that's never had sex!"
Faculty Master Dinner
USC, California
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Kids | Sex | Teachers | Posted 2009-05-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Fucking Paperwork
20-something client: How do you spell "Matthew?"
Confused staff: Matthew? As in a person's name? Like "Matthew Perry" Matthew?
20-something: Yeah, it's my middle name and I want to put it on my resume. Does it have two t's or one?
Unemployment Centre
Ontario
Canadia
Yeah, Vanilla Transvestite Love.
Chick #1: I worry that I'll become boring.
Chick #2: I think I'm more in danger of that than you.
Chick #1: What? You edit books about transvestite love!
Michigan
Overheard by: Meister E
A Conclusion Every Young Woman Must Reach at Some Point in Her Life
Chick: I have found that half-cousin incest is hot, but only on soaps.
Michigan
Overheard by: Meister E
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Family ties | Girls | Michigan | TV shows | Posted 2009-05-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So I Gave Debbie Does Dinosaurs an Enthusiastic Two Thumbs Up!
Guy: Nothing, nothing turns me on more than Jurassic Park-themed role play.
Queen's University
Kingston, Canadia
Overheard by: Kat
Whether You Deserve It or Not
New York liberal Jewish humanities teacher: You don't have to be all "ma'am" and stuff around me.
Student: Ma'am, I was raised in the South, you have to expect some non-ironic chivalry, sorry.
Florida State, Tallahassee
Overheard by: Dr Steve Manly
Categories: Default | Florida | Jews | Memory lane | Students | Teachers | US Geography | Words | Posted 2009-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...for Your Final Project.
Spanish professor: Fuck Spanish.
Indiana University
Overheard by: Mierdita
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Education | Indiana | Sex | Teachers | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Unlike My Wife
Anatomy professor, turning up lights: Wake up, it's the male reproductive system! How many times have you heard that before? (class laughter) Hopefully not many times before.
UNC
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Education | North Carolina | Offers and requests | Questions | Sexuality | Teachers | Posted 2009-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Stacy, Those Are Onion Rings
Girl to friend: They have vaginas in here!
Applebee's
Boise, Idaho
Overheard by: Sarah
But All You Really Need Is Some Concealer and a Dream
Girl #1: So when is that thing you guys are doing?
Girl #2: Oh my god! You have to go! We're all going to get naked and walk around campus all day.
Girl #1: I honestly would, but I have tattoos in some really unconventional places.
Girl #2: Oh, I understand totally.
Chem Lab, William and Mary
Williamsburg, Virginia
Categories: Clothes | Colleges & Universities | Default | Girls | Offers and requests | Questions | Tattoos | Virginia | Posted 2009-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
See That Guy in the Tiny Daisy Dukes?
Teen girl to friend: Oh! I finally figured out whose pants I'm wearing.
Brantford
Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Clothes | Default | Friends | Girls | Memory lane | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teens | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wouldn't You Much Rather Blow Someone Lemon-Scented?
Drunk man: I may not have a home, but I'm not like homeless homeless...I take showers and usually smell good.
Drunk woman: And what does this have to do with blowjobs?
Pub
Orange County, California
Overheard by: Katie
Categories: BJs | Bars & Clubs | Bathing | California | Compare and contrast | Default | Drunks | Girls | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Questions | Posted 2009-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why I Don't Talk to My Parents
Chick on cell: Did I tell you I sent my dominatrix pilot to my father and he writes back, "so how did you do the research? It's all very accurate."
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Amerigo Vespucci
Categories: California | Default | Family ties | Girls | Questions | Sex | Posted 2009-05-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If You're Gonna Fantasize, Go Big or Stay Home
Hot black chick: I don't know why you're so surprised... It's the same way I'd nail Lucy Liu and alt-world Neil Patrick Harris.
Nerdy friend: Alt-world Neil Patrick Harris?
Hot black chick: You know, where he's straight and really into black chicks.
Nerdy friend: Baffling.
New Haven, Connecticut
Categories: About celebrities | Black people | Connecticut | Default | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Feelings | Friends | Girls | Questions | Race | Sexuality | Posted 2009-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Some Kids Refuse to Come Out Of Their Shells
Little boy: Mommy, if a turtle has no shell is it naked or homeless?
Mother: It would be dead, sweetheart.
Little boy: That's sad, mommy.
Mother: No, it isn't, dear. Come on, this is our stop.
Metro
Washington, DC
Categories: Animals | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Default | Family ties | Feelings | Guys | Kids | Kids | Moms | Offers and requests | Public Transportation | Public transportation | Questions | Washington, DC | Women | Posted 2009-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Whereas Scabies Can Always Keep a Secret
Elderly woman to woman across aisle: You can't trust crabs. Crabs are sneaky.
DMV
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: What about other sneaky crustaceans?
You'd Know Why If You'd Ever Dipped One in the Toilet
Tipsy guy to girl beside him: What are you doing later?
Girl: Going home to Scotchgard my bathrobe.
Duke & Duchess Bar
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Cooper Street Relic
British Cooking: Explained
Boy eating lunch: I am without sin! That's why potatoes come down my chimney!
Dagenham
Essex
England
Overheard by: Anthony Mercer
...Because That's Our Thing.
Young mother, in baby-talk: Aren't you excited to meet grandma and grandpa at the park? Do you think they're sad and lonely there waiting for us?
Toddler son: Noooo, they're drinking.
Mother, still in baby-talk: You think they're drinking?
St Charles Streetcar
New Orleans, Louisiana
Categories: Default | Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Feelings | Kids | Kids | Louisiana | Moms | Questions | Women | Posted 2009-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Always Wanted a Boy.
Girl to friends: I've always wanted to dress up like Jesus... My grandmother would be so proud of me.
St. John's
Newfoundland
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Clothes | Compare and contrast | Default | Family ties | Girls | Jesus | Offers and requests | Posted 2009-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well I Feel Thin!
Sober girl, enthusiastically, to friend who just threw up: You look cute!
Drunk friend, equally enthusiastic: I just threw up!
Sober girl, still enthusiastic: I bet you feel cute!
Subway Bathroom
Overheard by: tina
Categories: Compliments | Default | Drunks | Feelings | Friends | Girls | Health & Hygiene | Public transportation | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...After You Put Your Legs Up on Your Desk, Ma'am.
Male lab instructor: So, really, it's totally unnatural for a human baby to pass through such a small birth canal when their heads are so big. But it's also unnatural for us to give birth laying down. We should stand. Then the canal is more open, and gravity does most of the work. We are fighting nature. Now, why am I talking about pregnancy? I lost my train of thought.
Anthropology Class
Kent State University, Ohio
Categories: Body parts | Class | Compare and contrast | Default | Employees | Guys | Ohio | Pregnancy | Questions | Posted 2009-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
...Does Hallmark Make a Card Saying That?
Girl to friend: Sorry about your vagina, but I'm sure the dog is okay.
Bar
Colorado
Just Like That Girl Over There, in the Second Row
Sociology professor: The world is fundamentally the same as 100 years or so. Fathers back then were worried about their daughters listening to the radio. Now, they worry about them "sexting" on their BlackBerrys!
University of Delaware
Overheard by: Who is sexting?
Categories: Age and ageing | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Delaware | Family ties | Gadgets | Teachers | Words | Posted 2009-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Firefighters Often Use the Jaws Of Life to Separate Couples Who Get Velcroed Together
Furry man to girlfriend, loudly: So does your sister, like, *never* shave her legs?
Rutgers University
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Categories: Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Default | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Family ties | Guys | New Jersey | Questions | Posted 2009-05-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why I'm Only Friends with Nuns
Girl walking with two friends: God, you guys suck so bad! But, whatever...it means four whole penises for me. Yay!
Livermore, California
Yadda Yadda Yadda, We Ended Up in the E.R.
Girl: Today at the Garden Centre, Bret did this amazing dance to cheer up a dog.
Wellington
New Zealand
Family Reunions Are a Bit Different in Canadia
Girl to friend: I know, it'll be so uncomfortable I can't wait! Though if someone licks me this time I'm not gonna be okay with it.
Red Deer
Canadia
Overheard by: Intrigued
I Think I Took a Different San Francisco Tour
Girl to group of friends: And then he lifted up his skirt to reveal a fake vagina!
Comic Con
San Diego, California
I Notice You Came Up with That Description Awfully Quickly
Dude #1: Dude, are you still drunk?
Dude #2: Maybe a little, how could you tell?
Dude #1: You smell like beer, weed, and hooker spit!
Lecture Hall
University of Tennessee
Overheard by: bluecollarbelle
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Drinking & drunks | Drugs | Drunks | Guys | Questions | Sensory experiences | Tennessee | Posted 2009-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And It's Not Even in English!
Guy picking up copy of Les Miserables: Oh my god, look at the size of this thing! What a crappy book!
Barnes & Noble
Mankato, Minnesota
You Told Me That Was Medicine!
Kid: I wish I was as fat as you, mummy.
Mother: Mummy should not have had that ice cream.
GAP Fitting Room
Tunbridge Wells
England
Overheard by: Jim Giraffe
Judge Me When You've Walked a Mile in My G-String, Okay?
Stripper, yelling at boyfriend: You don't have to shave your vagina everyday to get tips from bald, fifty-year-old men!
Lincoln, Nebraska
Overheard by: late night studier
Categories: Age and ageing | Default | Employees | Girls | Jobs & Careers | Money | Nebraska | Vagina | Posted 2009-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You'll Start Wearing Deodorant?
6th grade student: Miss Smith, I've decided that I'm gonna to end my reign of terror.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
First Shoot the Person Who Gave a Kid a Megaphone
Little nine-year-old kid with megaphone: You are going to go to hell, you know! The Apocalypse is coming! Are you ready? If you are drinking, you are a bad mother!
Army man #1, standing nearby: Do we have permission to fire?
Army man #2: I wish.
The Kentucky Derby
Overheard by: Kdub-ya
Categories: Default | Drinking & drunks | Family ties | Guys | Kentucky | Kids | Questions | Wishes | Posted 2009-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
A Kayak? Ohhh, a Kayak-- Gotcha.
Middle-aged man: So, how is your husband?
Middle-aged woman: He left me three years ago.
Man: Oh. (awkward/embarrassed laugh) I'm sorry to hear that.
Woman: It's okay, I bought myself a kayak.
Charlottesville, Virginia
And the Third Is to Ask If We Watched America's Next Top Model Last Night!
Blond on cell: She doesn't call us in six months and when she does, the first call is to tell us that her boyfriend is dead on some motel floor, and the second call is that her mom is dead on the sofa!
Houston, Texas
Categories: Death & dying | Default | Family ties | Girls | Gripes | Relationships | Texas | Posted 2009-05-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But I Still Love The View
Petite, hip girl: Honestly, it's not that controversial.
Drama club kid: Yeah, it's just a woman saying "vagina."
Connecticut
Overheard by: ernaynay
Categories: Compare and contrast | Connecticut | Default | Girls | Hipsters | Kids | Vagina | Words | Posted 2009-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So They'll Take Care Of the Dogs
Guy #1: No man, I told her I don't want kids. I just want dogs.
Guy #2: Then why not just have kids?
Manhattan, New York
Remember the Days When I Was the Only One?
Old woman to young stranger: Is that your mother?
Young woman: No, bitch. That's my bitch.
Old woman to friend: Kids have way too many bitches these days.
Union Station
Washington, DC
Categories: Default | Family ties | Kids | Old folks | Public transportation | Questions | Strangers | Washington, DC | Women | Posted 2009-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sometimes Your Words Just Flow Out, Uncontrollably
Little girl: Is there diarrhea here? I love diarrhea!
Mother: I have no idea what you're talking about, but it doesn't sound good, so stop it.
Target
Delran, New Jersey
Overheard by: Amused Employee
Stop Referring to Freshmen That Way!
Professor: And these cultural anthropologists have discovered many different aspects of law in the countries they live in that differ to ours.
(pause)
Older student: Did you know that you can't own pygmies?
The Evergreen State College
Olympia, Washington
Overheard by: Katie
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Education | Questions | Students | Teachers | Washington | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Have You Tried Craigslist?
Woman walking Corgi shouting to woman walking King Charles Spaniel: He wants to meet a licky dog.
Brookline, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Aunt Kelly
Categories: Animals | Default | Massachusetts | Offers and requests | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wasn't This a Scene in Ghostbusters?
Middle-aged woman: The last thing I want to do is get hit by a giant Tastycake!
Princeton, New Jersey
I'm Dating Him Now.
Preppy blonde on cell: She said she could see herself spending the rest of her life with him, so I told her: "wow, you really need to break up with him." And she did!
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Categories: Advice | Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | New York | Relationships | Students | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Isn't That, Like, Forbidden by the Bible?
Dude on cell: You are a liar. We talked about this before. (5 minutes later) Did you wash the red comforter? (pause) So you think I'm just going to sleep in the bed where she got her pussy juice?
Koreatown
Los Angeles, California
What's That Mewling Thing Attached to Your Boob?
Girl to friend: Where have you been? I haven't seen you for almost nine months!
Friend: I've been in Mexico.
Girl: Why?
Friend: Think about it...
Westwood, California
According to Wiki
Drunk girl at pub table: It's just that guys get sex changes all the time and then realize it's not so fun. They just think it'd be awesome to have boobs.
London
England
Overheard by: Grew her own boobs.
Categories: Bars & Clubs | Body parts | Compare and contrast | Default | Drunks | England | Girls | Sex | Posted 2009-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Couldn't Help It-- I Kept Shining a Strobe Light on Him.
College girl to three friends, completely serious: Yeah, I guess his penis had epilepsy or something.
College Dining Hall
Pennsylvania
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Maladies | Penis | Pennsylvania | Students | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But, Like, Why Do They Always Salivate When I Ring This Bell?
Professor: How do you feel about presenting?
Student: Nervous. I don't like talking in front of people.
Professor: These aren't people, these are students!
Students: (silence)
Professor: That's not a nice thing to say. You can't believe I just said that, can you?
UMass
Amherst, Massachusetts
Overheard by: CR
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Education | Feelings | Massachusetts | Questions | Students | Teachers | Posted 2009-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
At Least 30% Of Him Is, Anyway.
Five-year-old: Is Michael Jackson real?
Teenage sister, exasperatedly: Yes! How many times do we have to have this conversation?!
Margate, New Jersey
Overheard by: Chris S.
Categories: About celebrities | Default | Family | Girls | Kids | Kids | New Jersey | Questions | Teens | Posted 2009-05-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not Today, Though-- I've Got Leg Cramps
Hobo: Hey baby, you ever had the back a yo' knee fucked?
Girl in line at the show: Once...it was okay, I guess.
Hobo: Shitdamn girl, you're a freak!
Ybor
Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Gotta try that
Did You Have to Use a Staple Remover, Though?
Enthusiastic woman, yelling over hand dryer: Circumcision is the way forward!
Women's Bathroom
The Gate, Newcastle
England
Overheard by: Mell
What Passes for Foreplay in Utah
Bored woman on cell: Wow, you have a lot of potatoes.
Airport
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: ... What?!
Categories: Airports & flights | Compare and contrast | Default | Food | Utah | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
65% Of Me Is!
Brunette: I'm like a total vegetarian. Except I like chicken, and beef. And sometimes I eat bacon with my breakfast.
Blonde: Are you for real?
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: Vastly Amused
Like "Melancholy" or "Pterodactyl"?
Student: What's "Nostradamus"? It that just some random, made-up word or something?
Rock Bridge High School
Columbia, Missouri
Overheard by: Kelsey
There Are Entire Websites Devoted to That Sort Of Thing, Sweetie.
Three-year-old daughter, pointing at huge woman: Dada, she has a big booty.
Father: Sweetie, you don't want to talk about other people's booties.
Three-year-old daughter: But dada, she couldn't sit on our toilet. It is too small for her.
Father: Okay. (hurriedly moves out of the aisle)
Three-year-old daughter: Her booty is too big for pee and poop to come out. She makes a big mess and gets it all over! (father starts pushing faster)
Supermarket
Quincy, Massachusetts
While Girls Are Busy Inserting Tampons
Girl to friends: Of course guys are better at math and science than girls are, they have more time to work on it!
Dining Hall, Harvard University
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Overheard by: what?
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Default | Education | Gender issues | Girls | Massachusetts | Posted 2009-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just When You Were Starting to Miss College...
Random guy at party: I can't believe I almost peed on that girl's face.
Fredericksburg, Virginia
When Lifetime Television Becomes a How-To
Girl #1: I was watching tv last night, and this girl was prostituting herself to pay for med school...
Girl #2: That is such a good idea!
UC Berkeley, California
Categories: California | Colleges & Universities | Default | Education | Girls | Money | Technology | Posted 2009-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Really Depends on the Bar
Guy on cell: I don't think we'll be in a bar, considering what we'll be wearing and that we'll be covered in feathers.
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Categories: Clothes | Default | Drinking & drunks | Guys | North Carolina | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Tonight, on Bizarre Rationalization Theatre...
Creepy guy with shriveled arm: Nah, I haven't used in a couple months. But if I wanted to start again, I got a savings account now.
5 Bus
San Diego, California
Overheard by: mhd
Categories: Bus | California | Compare and contrast | Creepsters | Death & dying | Default | Guys | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wouldn't Steel Birkenstocks Be Uncomfortable?
Drunk girl: I want to be lesbionic!
Georgia Tech
Overheard by: YellowJacketGals
Categories: Default | Drunks | Georgia | Girls | Offers and requests | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Sexuality | Technology | Weirdness | Words | Posted 2009-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It Defines Me.
Hobo to hipster: Is a BlackBerry a cell phone?
Hipster: Yeah, but I don't have one.
Hobo: I like blackberry pie!
Los Angeles, California
Categories: California | Cell phones | Compare and contrast | Default | Fruit | Hipsters | Hobos | Questions | Posted 2009-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Okay, Partial Credit.
Chick: How can free will and divine preordination coexist?
Dude: Smack da shit out dat ho?
High School Classroom
Englewood, Colorado
Categories: Colorado | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Guys | Offers and requests | Questions | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Words | Posted 2009-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nobody Can Do Sexual Harassment Like the Insane
Crazy bag lady, loudly: I don't suck dick for pussy! I don't suck dick for pussy! I don't suck dick for pussy!
(sits down next to another passenger on the subway)
Crazy bag lady, now in passenger's face: I don't suck dick for pussy!
(female passenger gets up and moves)
Crazy bag lady: Why you jumping? Why you jumping, bitch!? You weren't jumpin' last night when that guy put his long ass dick in you last night!
Female passenger: Excuse me, ma'am, don't say that to me! You don't know me!
(subway train stops)
Conductor: City Hall station!
Female passenger: Excuse me, sir, there's a crazy lady on the subway harassing the other passengers.
Conductor: Oh, could you point her out to me?
(female passenger points to crazy woman yelling)
Conductor: Ma'am, are you bothering people?
Crazy bag lady: Why you tryin' to fuck me standing up!? Why don't you fuck me lying down like a gentleman!
Conductor: Ma'am, I'm calling the police.
Broad Street Line Subway
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Ass | BJs | Compare and contrast | Crazies | Default | Employees | Insults | Offers and requests | Penis | Pennsylvania | Public Transportation | Public transportation | Questions | Sex | Vagina | Weirdness | Women | Posted 2009-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
According to the Very Reliable Hobo on My Corner
Girl: I didn't say I was a lesbian cyborg, I just said I was a cyborg.
Guy: All cyborgs are lesbians.
Townsville
Australia
Categories: Australia | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Guys | Sexuality | Technology | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Couldn't Be Any Prouder Of Myself If My Nipples Were Fountains Of Blood!
Blonde teenage girl: I already burnt my vagina today. Now my butt is bruised, too!
Brantford
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Jayme
Categories: Ass | Canadia | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teens | Vagina | Weirdness | Posted 2009-05-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
With a Little Cinnamon and Some Splenda. What?
Nursing student #1, about absent classmate: If she'd have kept her fucking mouth shut and not been a motherfucking snitch we wouldn't be in this mess!
Nursing student #2: Why'd she snitch on us?
Nursing student #1: I don't know, but she think she the best thing since apple sauce!
(long pause)
Nursing student #1: I really like applesauce!
Marian College
Indianapolis, Indiana
Yeah, They're Always Sitting in the Front Of the Bus
Dude: It's not racial profiling, because every black person breaks the law.
High School Classroom
Englewood, Colorado
Categories: Colorado | Compare and contrast | Default | Guys | Race | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Stupidity | Posted 2009-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now Hold Still While I Affix This Muzzle
Little boy being pushed in cart: You smell!
Dad: No, you smell!
Little boy: No, you smell!
Dad: You smell!
(a little later)
Little boy: That was awful!
Dad: Only because you think it is.
Little boy: You're a sock!
Dad: Oh, I'm a sock now?
Little boy: A soooock!
Dad: No, you're a sock!
Whole Foods
Hollywood, California
Overheard by: Kafrin
Could You Leave Me Alone with This for a Few Minutes?
Drunk man to man holding rolled-up newspaper: There's a kind of phallic-ness about it, a sort of masculine quality...
The Ship Inn, Southbank
Brisbane
Australia
Categories: Australia | Compare and contrast | Default | Drunks | Gender issues | Guys | Penis | Posted 2009-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ooo, Let's Get T-Shirts Saying That.
Sorority girl #1: What did he die from?
Sorority girl #2: Cancer.
Sorority girl #1: Gawd! Cancer sucks!
CVS
Charlottesville, Indiana
Categories: Death & dying | Default | Girls | Indiana | Maladies | Questions | Sorority types | Stores | Words | Posted 2009-05-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Priests Aren't Interested in Me
Sexy blonde: So I was on cross-dresser's wife yesterday.
Okay-looking blonde: What? Where?
Sexy blonde: Cross-dressers wife. Anyway, I was looking for hot cross-dressers to...you know,to...
Okay-looking blonde: I'm not sure I wanna hear the rest, but now I'm morbidly curious. And?
Sexy blonde: I couldn't find any cross-dressers! It was, like, nothing but girls talking about cross-dressing and cross-dressers!
Okay-looking blonde: So? What's wrong with that?
Sexy blonde: A girl's got needs. I can't just get started without cross-dressers. I should sue.
Kansas City, Kansas