Huh? Can't Talk. Masturbating

Professor, on last day of sex addiction class: I'm putting a website on the board for anyone who's interested in more information on how to become a certified sex addict.
(entire class cheers)
Professor: I meant "sex addiction therapist."
Student to another: He just spent a whole semester telling us that sex addiction isn't fun. Clearly we didn't catch on.

Chestnut Hill College
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Native Americans: Hey!

Random hobo: Curse your pagan gods.

Portland, Oregon

I'm Not Sure That's What's Meant by "Love God"

Teenage girl #1: Oh god, I want to fuck him so badly.
Teenage girl #2: Oh my god, you whore! You don't fuck him! You make sweet, sweet love to him.

Summit, New Jersey

And I Am Not Jerry Springer, My Friend

Cop (in creole): Move along.
Hobo: You don't know me!

Port Louis
Mauritius

Overheard by: Kallay

A Magical Fat That Slides Down Rainbows and Grants Wishes

Preteen girl #1: Boobies are just fat.
Preteen girl #2: No, they aren't. They are a special kind of fat: boobie fat.

Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com

Jesus Rocks!

Guy: Dude, he gets so much pussy and he doesn't even want it.

Skytrain
Vancouver
Canadia

Overheard by: Arthur

But Thanks to Modern Medicine, She Has Breasts Like He-Man

Dude #1: Have you seen her lately?
Dude #2: Yeah, she looks great, except for the bulimia!
Dude #1: Really? She looks good?
Dude #2: Yeah, except her face looks like Skeletor.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: give her a sandwich

Might Have to Move to Seattle

Girl, shading eyes from sun: I did not consent to this brightness.

San Francisco, California

Most Kids Learn About Socks from Their Peers

Girl #1: I like socks
Girl #2: Oh! Me too!
Girl #1: Yeah. Sigh--they're like bags for your feet.
Girl #2: Yeah, bags...warm bags.

Calgary
Canadia

Overheard by: bitingontinfoil

And I Still Haven't Called Myself

Girl #1: Does transvestism work both ways?
Girl #2: It should. I've dressed up as a man before and I looked damn hot. My tits are small enough you can't even tell!

University of New Orleans, Louisiana

Overheard by: Nac

He Had to Lay Off Most Of His Elves

Little boy in coffee shop: Mom, I want it, I want it, I want it!
Mom: Shhh, Joshua! Santa Claus is watching!
Little boy: Mom! Santa Claus is not watching!

Ann Arbor, Michigan

Fine, Japanese Concept Car. Whatever.

Woman on cell: Okay, I might be about to lose you because I'm in an elevator. (pause) I'm in an elevator--how could I be driving?

City College
San Francisco, California

That's What My Shrink Said!

Girl: I feel like, you know, I'm, like, going out with a different guy almost every single night. You know?
Guy: Well, I think that's because you're a whore.

University of Pennsylvania

Overheard by: oh well, okay

One More Lifetime Movie Marathon Should Do It, Though

Dining hall boy #1: I haven't gotten my period yet.
Dining hall boy #2: Me neither!

University at Buffalo
Buffalo, New York

Back Up-- There Are Jews in Nebraska?

Hip daughter: Mom, is that the same guy?
Hip mom: No.
Hip daughter: Then why do they sound the exact same?
Hip mom: Because they're Jewish.
Hip daughter: Really?
Hip mom: No.
Hip daughter (laughing): Oh my god! Mom! That's...
Hip mom: Don't quote me on Facebook.

Lincoln, Nebraska

Overheard by: robert taylor

We Offer the Full Spectrum Of Coffeeness, Sir

Barista at coffee shop: Can I help you, sir?
50-something man: Ah, yes. Do you have, ah, something like coffee?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: the man with the mohawk

But Here's a Coupon for a Complimentary Cavity Search

Irate mother: No, you don't understand. I need to board that plane now!
Stewardess at gate: Ma'm, you cannot board now. There is no airplane at the end of the jetway. Look--no plane out there.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: delayed flights always make me irrational too

Meet New Hampshire's Ski Mom Of the Year

Mother to crying toddler: Shut your mouth and go ski somewhere!

Bear Peak, New Hampshire

Overheard by: Leigh

The Video That Should Be Shown in Driver Training

Friend #1, driving: Yeah, she'll be okay with it, she'll just be like...oh, motherfucker, I'll stab you in the face!!
Friend #2: What?
Friend #1: She'll be okay with it, though, she'll just be like...pedidle!
Friend #2: (silence)
Friend #1: What?! Did you see that car? She'll be okay with it, she'll just be like, oh...okay.

Bentleyville, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: concerned friend

Or the Other Couple

Professor: So my kid walked in on us last night...
Student in class: Well, you gave them the talk, why not say you were wrestling or something?
Professor: Well, I have no way to explain the handcuffs.

Penn State
Altoona, Pennsylvania

In Rapid Succession, Of Course

Girl: It's going to smell so good when we get home.
Guy: I'm gonna pop ten thousand boners.

Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Claire

...That I Just Blew Him and He Fell Asleep

Blonde: Did you sleep with him?
Brunette: (nods)
Blonde: What!? But you're my virgin friend!
Brunette: I can pretend...

Toronto
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: The Shrew

Ride My Big Thunder Mountain, If You Catch My Drift

Drunk girl to hot guy in "if you lick them they will come": Nice shirt!
Hot guy, turning around: How about you "come" with me tonight, baby?

Downtown Orlando, Florida

Your Editors Blame Sarah Silverman for Our Uncharitable Thoughts

Girl #1: My stomach hurts.
Girl #2: Ew, girl! You pregnant!

Charlotte, North Carolina

No One Would Know!

Teenage girl to friends: They don't let the kids wear makeup at my sister's school! What if you're emo and you can't wear makeup? Then what?

National Ballet
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

Thinking a Kid Is Your Ticket to a Better Life Is White Trash

Girl to friend: You know what I was thinking? We always say girls who get pregnant are white trash. But I really thought about this, and we have sex. We could get pregnant. You're not white trash!

College
New Jersey

Meet the Last Old-School Guy in San Francisco

Girl on phone: So she had the baby, and now she's getting married.
Random guy walking by: Strike that, reverse it.

SFSU
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Veruca Salt

But I'm Reasonably Sure That's Where Your Dad Is from

Girl: Whoa...There's a band called "Asia"? Mom, is this what I was named after?
Mother: No, honey.

Branson, Missouri

Oops, Sorry About Your Hair.

Cute girl #1: Hey, I want you to meet one of my best guy friends.
Cute girl #2 to male friend: Hey, nice to meet ya.
Male friend holding lighter, totally ignoring others: I can make fire! (shouting) I'm a goddamn wizard!

Johnson City, Tennessee

Overheard by: kiwi

On the Plus Side, Now I Get to Take Part in This Cool Study in Tuskegee

Frat guy #1: Dude, what is wrong with you tonight? You were all fidgety in there!
Frat guy #2: Yeah... You remember that blonde chick? She gave me syphilis, man. It's itchy as fuck!

Arizona State University

Overheard by: Just pretend like you didn't hear that...

We Talking Pecker Snot Here, Carlo?

Very drunk male friend to very sober, pregnant, married friend: Can I phlegm on your cleavage?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: a connoisseur of terrible pick-up lines

Knitted Her Own Wings

Female flight attendant on cell: She was the ugliest woman I had ever seen in my life! But I swear she was my guardian angel. (sighs)

Seatac airport
Seattle, Washington

...Which Was Letter "C" on the Multiple-Choice Exam

Professor, talking about Shakespeare's Twelfth Night: Well, Sebastian and Antonio have a pretty interesting relationship. It's kind of like, uh, what's the word...a bromance! It's kind of like a bromance.

Michigan State University

Depends Who You Ask

Trixy McBimbo: Is "artillery" another word for money?

Loyola University
Chicago, Illinois

Have You Tried Looking for It with GPS?

Fat girl filling out paperwork: Did I have any problems with my pregnancy? No. Well...I lost the baby...
Asian friend: Oh, well...just put "no."

Planned Parenthood
San Diego, California

Overheard by: CINDI

Worst. Smoothie. Ever.

Guy #1: Did you see the video where that girl shoots a banana out of her ass?
Guy #2: Yeah! And then she's like "I think there's still a strawberry up there!"

Clemson University
Clemson, South Carolina

Overheard by: starch

Thanks, Sharper Image!

Loud girl: And my mother said to me, "Well, I guess you're an adult now, since you have adult sex." And I was like, "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" and she was like, "I opened your cupboard." and I was thinking, "Oh shit!" because I've got a lot of shit in there. I've got porn, I've got a vibrator, a cock ring. I've got things she doesn't even know what to call them!

University of Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Alex Remnick

Who Says Kids Today Have No Goals?

Student #1: So you're only taking three credit hours this semester?
Student #2: Yeah. I figure as long as I take at least one class, I can live at home and mooch off of my mother indefinitely.
Student #1: You dreamed it, saw it and are going for it. Awesome, dude.

UCF
Orlando, Florida

Still, Nobody Better Lay a Finger on My Buttfingerer

Teenage girl to friend: And then he stuck his finger up my butt, and said "Oh, yeah, do you like that, babe?"
Friend: See, there you go. If you don't sit a guy down and tell him not to go up your butt, he will. Look at you, you're butt-fingered.

Subway Store
Maitland
Australia

But I'm Currently Putting David Hasselhoff Through a Rigorous Mentorship Program

Elderly Italian lady to store clerk, while judging jugs of wine: I'm the last of the great drinkers.

Liquor Store
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Steve

He's Gone So Many Places No Man Has Gone Before

Aging dork #1: I like Star Trek, but not Star Wars because they never pay attention to physics.
Aging dork #2: William Shatner is a pimp.

Peterson Air Force Base
Colorado

I Mean, Do You or Do You Not Work for Domino's?

Girl on cell: You mean you need at least thirty minutes? It's only supposed to last ten minutes, that's why it's called a quickie!

UC Irvine
Irvine, California

In Their Jewelry Boxes

Guy: All girls from Minnesota have the same thumbs.

Jerusalem
Israel

Except in Situations Involving Family Members, Minors, or Brett Michaels

Curly-haired woman on cell: My advice is to have sex in 90% of all situations.

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Poogtastic

The Real World's Sadly Lacking in Noble Causes Worth Fighting for

20-something girl to boyfriend: You're such a nerd.
Boyfriend: We prefer "Men of Gondor."

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Corey

Gives the TAs a Nice Change from the Shit They Have to Deal with

Girl in math class: I mean, seriously. I've been pissing all over these quizzes lately.
Friend: I know, right? Me too.

Michigan State University

Still Doesn't Explain How the Entire Cast Fit on the Set Of Roseanne

Brunette: I don't think dinosaurs were ever real.
Blonde: Why is that?
Brunette: If they were really that big, only like ten could fit on earth. They wouldn't even be able to walk around much.
Blonde: Oh, you're probably right. I've never thought about it like that before.

Northern Michigan University

Given the Way I Kept Shouting "Whore!" at Her

Girl on cell: Yeah, he was there, and he brought the girl he cheated on me with. (long pause) It made the family dinner a little awkward.

Michigan State University

Tonight on The Wonder Years

Boy: I wonder if I can have sex with a hedgehog...

Essex
England

Overheard by: Anthony Mercer

The Immaculate Conception Story Gets More Warped Every Year

20-something guy: And then she was like, "there's a boner in my ass!" She was like a turbo-slut!

Diner
Mamaroneck, New York

Overheard by: Dianachka

Your Editors Are Standing by

Literature professor: You know, eventually we're going to have to talk about the clitoris.
(class stares at him in silence) Maybe not today, but one of these days. I'm just saying.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

Encino Man Is Her Porn

20-something girl to another: I love hairy West Coast men. If they look like they haven't showered or shaved in a good week, send 'em my way.

Calgary
Alberta
Canadia

Do You Mean "Stuff" or Actual Shit?

Single 30-something woman to friend, as random guy rides by on bike: I would so ride off with him and do anything he wants...unless he's totally into dungeons and shit.

Sacramento, California

Overheard by: Steve

The Fauxcock Repels Gay Predators

Guy: So all I have to do is get some gel and spike my butt hair.

Target
Salem, Massachusetts

I'm Like Four Different MTV Specials in One!

(two hipsters stare quizzically at short Chinese-American male)
Chinese-American male: No, what's confusing is I'm becoming Mormon and having a sex change.

UC Berkeley
Berkeley, California

Tonight on E!: Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop, the Ugly Truth

Chick on cell: Let us shower together, damned sheep!

Vallejo Street
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: McNasty

...When You Saw Dick Clark in Person?

Male student to another, seriously: So you just came in your pants?

Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
Troy, New York

Like All Neoconservatives Do

Obnoxious student in scarf: He was chewing the umbilical cord like licorice.

UC Berkeley
Berkeley, California

I Thought You Were Going to Say "Public Healthcare"

Seven-year-old girl: Daddy, do you know what stinks ?
Dad: No, what?
Seven-year-old girl: Dog farts.
Dad: Let's not talk about that here.

TJ Maxx
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Overheard by: A.Taylor

And the FCC Can't Stop Me!

Earnest college girl: I'm gonna be naked--with a lot of clothes on.

Williamsburg, Virginia

Overheard by: I don't think that word means what you think it means

And Together, Our Geekiness Is Unstoppable

20-something girl: If anyone ever punches me, all of the turtles in western Pennsylvania will get together, form a giant stack, and bite that person.
20-something guy: Wow. Like Voltron?
20-something girl: Why did I marry you?
20-something guy: *Because* I say things like that.
20-something girl (sighing): Yeah, you're right.

Walnut St
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Ooh, and a Round Of STD Tests!

Girl #1: Hey.
Girl #2: Hey, what's wrong?
Girl #1: I fucked someone.
Girl #2: I fucked someone too. Let's get a coffee.

Bookstore
Melbourne
Australia

Overheard by: Jaclyn

In Other Words, It's Like Being Molested

Happy teacher: Welcome to creative writing class. This class is like us taking a hot bath. Together. With candles.

Harpeth Hall School
Nashville, Tennessee

More Of a Sugar Grandpa

Older man walking into a jewelery store, to another: I'm not a sugar-daddy, am I?

Fashion Valley Mall
San Diego, California

Nothing Intelligent Ever Follows the Word "Dude"

Indian guy: Dude...what if Shakespeare was Jesus?

Bellingham, Washington

The Way I Do When I Think Of Our Faculty Meetings

Political science professor to class, explaining the term "political actors": Political actors can be political parties, politicians, organizations of different kinds...and by organizations I do not think of a group of pedophile carpenters gathering in a living room.

NTNU University
Norway

Overheard by: Amused student

Unless You're Dying, You Have a Better Life Than This Guy

Nurse: Is there any chance you're pregnant?
Lady, looking at husband in disgust: No, you have to have sex to get pregnant.
(husband looks at floor and shakes his head)

Hospital
Tennessee

Overheard by: the guy behind you

Baby: Have You Seen the Crap They Call "Baby Books?"

One-year-old: Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah! (starts whimpering)
Mom: Yeah, it's hard being a baby, isn't it?

Coles Bookstore
Abbotsford, British Columbia
Canadia

Overheard by: girl in line

A Lot Of Austin Guys Ride Sidesaddle

Man: I really hope I can suck something out of the horse later.

DMV
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: auroratudor

Only Your Dignity, Sweetie

Little boy to mother: Is this where we have to strip?

Security Line
Newark Airport, New Jersey

Which Is Also What I Wrote for My Essay About the Statue Of Liberty

High school girl, ranting to friend about biology class: It's *so* annoying...I hate evolution! He goes all into the *designing* of a cell and I'm like "God created it and that's all we need to know." We don't have to go all hi-def into it!

Lancaster Mennonite HIgh School
Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Its Barq's Is Worse Than Its Bite

Girl in bathroom: Fuck! My pussy smells like root beer!

BJ's
Eugene, Oregon

Overheard by: nyssa

Fun Trying, Though

Confused looking girl: It's too bad about that, though.
Disappointed looking girl: Yeah. We can't make Owen pregnant.

University of Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Trying to not to laugh sitting beside them

All Communications Majors Believe Perception Is Reality

Sorority girl #1: I may as well go around and sleep with all the people everyone thinks I'm sleeping with...
Sorority girl #2: I would *so* not judge you for that.

Bryant University
Smithfield, Rhode Island

Most Cancer Patients Don't Have to Go Make Amends Afterwards, Though

Woman #1: Having alcoholism isn't like having cancer. People don't like you more for having beat it.
Woman #2: Amen.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

To Be Fair, I Only Saw Her a Little.

Psych professor: I dated a girl who was 4'10'' once, but she always insisted that that was the legal cutoff height for little people.
Psych student: Actually, I think 4'11'' is the cutoff.
Psych professor: What? I dated a midget?

Bennington, Vermont

Overheard by: laughing in class

You Really Shouldn't Tell Kids That Ice Cream Is Medicinal

Spastic five-year old: Medicate me, daddy! Medicate me! Medicate me!

University Village
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Jackie

Some Parents Just Can't Bring Themselves to Leave Their Kids at College

Freshman girl: Why are we judging her for being crazy?
Freshman friend: Yeah, if we think you're crazy, then you definitely have problems.
Freshman girl: But I'm still pissed at her for taking the good side of the bed.

U of A Campus
Alberta
Canadia

Overheard by: Alex

If Not, a Dramatic Re-enactment Will Suffice

Male student: So after leaving my mom a note explaining I was going to New York, my friend and I just drove there. We saw a hobo pee in a cup then dump it out!
Female student: Sweet! Can I see?

Bus, University of Michigan

Speaking Of the Chemistry I Have with Myself...

Organic chemistry professor: Let me show you guys what I like to do in my office, in private.

UC Berkeley
Berkeley, California

Does It Make My Breasts Look Phoney?

Teen girl: Hey! This lip gloss matches my nipples! And my phone.

Galleria Mall
Las Vegas, Nevada

Overheard by: Jo

It's Been the Top Story on CNN All Week

White trash man to white trash woman: So did you hear the news?
White trash woman: No, what?
White trash man (sighing despairingly): Aggie broke her corn-broom.
White trash woman, looking stricken: Oh, no!

Giant Tiger Store
Napanee, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Rockbot

If You Can't Stand the Heat, Stay Out Of Michaels

Motorist at detour: What do you mean I have to go around? I can't go around! What's going on?
Frustrated firefighter: Fire Department activity sir.
Motorist: What kind of Fire Department activity?
Frustrated firefighter: Arts and crafts, sir. Move along.

Morris Plains, New Jersey

Overheard by: Pokey

Like a University Professor Ever Has to Pay for It

Statistics professor: So let's say we ask a random question, such as "have you had unprotected sex with a prostitute in the last week?".
(class laughs)
Statistics professor: Most people would answer "no." Including myself. I'll leave it up to you to decide if that's the truth or not.

University of Guelph
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Danielle

Of Mufflers and Men?

Guy #1: Check out that girl's ensemble. Interesting.
Gut #2: I bet she read a book about how to wear her scarf.

Antonio's Pizza
Providence, Rhode Island

Overheard by: Chris

Yes, But Only Because It's After Noon.

Woman to male friend: I am trying to figure out how long 14 minutes and 6 minutes is in total.
Male friend: 20 minutes.
Woman: Regular math and time math are the same?

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: benja

People With No Sense Of Humor Never Got Teased at Home

Female student: I feel like I have a really tough skin, because I was always teased by my dad from the moment I was born.
Male student (in very serious, philosophical tone): Scorn was your breast milk.

University of Southern California

Overheard by: Got milk?

At the Very Least, in the Cafeteria Food

Little boy: Mom! Look! An ant!
Mother (pulling little boy by the arm): Come on, sweetie, there will be ants at school.

Burlington, Vermont

I Don't Think Church Is Working for You, Ramón

Guy: Who's that?
Girl: That's jenny.
Guy: How do we know her?
Girl: From church. She's so humble and pretty! And to think she looks like that after giving birth!
Guy: Ugh! What a bitch!

Mall
Manila
Philippines

Though I've Always Found the Growling Very Alluring

Plain Jane: Finish eating, so we can go outside!
Goth girl: Quit bossing me around! I just got out of line five minutes ago; it's not my fault that it's 12:45 and I've only eaten half of my lunch!
Popular boy to goth girl: I don't think I've ever heard you speak before.

School Cafeteria
El Paso, Texas

It's Like They Were Trying to Get Us to Learn

Little boy leaving Epcot: Well, that was unpleasant.

Disney World
Orlando, Florida

You're Gonna Make Somebody an Annoying Little Wife, Harry

Roommate #1, watching Celtics playoff game: Is this the final four?
Roommate #2: No.
Roommate #1: Wait, when's March Madness?
Roommate #2: Are you fucking kidding me? Die.

UMass Dartmouth, Birch Hall
Massachusetts

Overheard by: Jason

How'd You Know?!

Student: I was wondering what my grade is.
Instructor (after consulting grade book): You have 312 points out of 500.
Student: So that's like, what, a "b?"
Instructor: Are you failing math too?

MCCKC
Independence, Missouri

Overheard by: Not failing math

You Can't Handle a Cookie!

Teacher scolding student: Do you want a cookie? Do you want a cookie? No, you don't deserve a cookie!

Canadia

It All Started When I Tried to Separate the Laundry...

Preppy teenage girl #1, before Sex and the City movie: Oh! I heard that Jennifer Hewitt is in this movie!
Preppy teenage girl #2: No, it's Jennifer Hudson.
Preppy teenage girl #1: Whats the difference?
Preppy teenage girl #2: Jennifer Hewitt is the white actress who made a CD and can't sing and was in the Garfield movie. Jennifer Hudson is the black girl from American Idol who won an Oscar for that movie with Beyonce.
Preppy teenage girl #1: Are either one of them singing in this movie?
Preppy teenage girl #2: I don't know.
(long pause)
Preppy teenage girl #3: Speaking of black people, I got in trouble for being racist at work today.

Plano, Texas

Every Day's Another Annoying Gift

Bitchy student: So, are you still married?
Innocent victim: Yeah. Yeah I am!
Bitchy student: Uh huh. And just how long do you think that will last??

Kennesaw State University
Georgia

Chances Are, Your Junk's Not Going Anywhere 'til Puberty, Kiddo

Little boy, grabbing his crotch and jumping up and down: Gotcha! Gotcha! Gotcha!

Target
New Jersey

Overheard by: Jo

She Has an Enemies List in the Back Of the Room

Mom, leaving dressing room with 7-year-old daughter: So you can see the teacher's boobies through her shirt? Hmm, I wonder how she'd react if she knew!
Daughter: Mommy, don't tell her I said that!

Target
Woodinville, Washington

Overheard by: Glad I wore a bra

Jamie Lee Curtis Can Be Cruel

Guy to friend: And then she said, "I am not even half the man she used to be."

Oxford
England

Overheard by: Well, she WAS born in Germany

This Reads Like a Seinfeld Line

College student: Everything in life can be related back to Seinfeld. It's like the bible, except it won't fail you.

Hookah Bar
Washington, DC

You Poor, Deprived Creature

College girl #1: Have you ever smelled sweaty balls?
College girl #2 and #3: Oh my god! Yes, we were just talking about this yesterday.
College girl #4: No.
College girl #1: Really? Oh yeah...you don't like giving head.

University of South Florida

Wait 'Til You Hear His Answer to "Are You Ready to Rock?"

Band, coming back onstage: How's everybody feeling?
(crowd whistles and applauds)
Lone male: Awkward!

Rickshaw Stop
San Francisco, California

Otherwise It'll Just Get Made Into McNuggets

Scruffy man with garbage bag to stranger: Want to buy some chicken breast?

Blue Line Train
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

This Was Often Heard on the Set of Little House...

Angry mother: Seriously, Landon, I told you, do not touch anyone else's balls!

Mini Golf
Burnham, Maine

She Was Getting All Verklempt Up in Here

Drunk girl: So she was teaching him Ebonics, and he was teaching her Yiddish...

Parish Cafe
Boston, Massachusetts

Accidental Marriages Happen All the Time in Portland

5th grader boy #1: She's my girlfriend, not my wife.
5th grader boy #2: Are you going to marry her?
5th grader boy #1: No, but I could.
5th grader boy #2: No way!
5th grader boy #1: Yeah, all you have to do is buy a diamond ring. Or really, any kind of ring.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: amy.

What Kind Of Ignorant People Would Do Something Like That?

College girl #1: Did you hear about that slavery thing?
College girl #2: No, like a real, live slavery thing?
College girl #1: Yeah! It's in Europe somewhere, like the Philippines.

Rock Valley College
Illinois

I Told Him, "The Public Won't Understand Our Love."

Roommate: My dad asked me today if our engagement was Facebook official.

Michigan

Clearly, You Are No Donna Reed

Hipster guy: I cried so much when I watched it.
Hipster girl: It's a Wonderful Life made you cry? Ha!
Hipster guy: Shhhh! (looks around furtively)

Wellington
New Zealand

Never Stopped Tupac from Making Money

Teen girl #1: Are you going to see that movie about Kurt Cobain? The actor that plays him is supposed to be good!
Teen girl #2: Why would they make a movie about him if someone else was playing him? Can't they just wait until he dies and then make one?
Teen girl #1: He is dead.

Los Angeles, California

So, With the Curve, That's a Sixteen.

Guy in pub: How can you have a scale of one to two?
Friend: It's a scale of one to seven, two being the highest. Our sins are a two.

Shout-out: overheardinpdx.blogspot.com

Overheard by: kj

Your Editors Will Watch Drew Barrymore in the Weakest Of Romantic Comedies

20-something girl freaking out after hanging up cell phone: I can't do this! I can't talk to him right now! Will you pretend to be me?
20-something friend: I can't! He'll know because of my lisp!

Chipotle
Lawrence, Kansas

Overheard by: Alexandra

The CIA's Predicting a Win for the USSR

Waitress to guy wearing a Soviet hockey jersey: CCCP? Who's that?
Customer: It's the Soviet Union.
Waitress: Oh, are they playing the Caps tonight?

eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

It's So Difficult to Pick Up a String Quintet in Colorado

Shabby looking 50-something woman to herself as group of guys walk by: No, that's three guys, I need five.

Fort Collins, Colorado

Overheard by: fortunately one of only three

There Was a Flier in There from a Jimmy Carter Rally

Woman, putting bag on table for security: Ugh, it's really messy, I really need to clean it...I'm sorry.
Security: Ma'am, we're not grading them. (finishes looking through bag) But if we were, I'd give it a c minus.

Hillary Clinton Rally
Honolulu, Hawaii

Overheard by: Kendal

And You Really Shouldn't Joke About That.

Teen to friend: He's always making fun of the holocaust.

Cincinnati, Ohio

When I Can Find It on My Boyfriend's Computer for Free

Girl eating pasta: I can't pay 30 pounds for gay porn!

London
England

But Not in That Slightly-Homoerotic Kirk Douglas Way

Ice cream lady behind counter: Spartacus?
Man running to get ice cream: I am Spartacus!

Oberweiss
Oak Park, Illinois

Lyle Thinks People Can Hear Him Over His Floor Buffer

Wal-Mart floor waxer: My grandma got bit twice on the leg. And they thought they were gonna have to amputate it. But then it magically healed.

Wal-Mart
Athens, Ohio

Overheard by: Lisa

King Henry V Was Disinclined to Explain

Barber, as 23-year-old boy with bad haircut sits down into his chair: So what's with this bowl cut thing you got going on?

The Barber Shop
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Will

At Least I've Stopped Singing the Score to The Mikado

Asian tranny, bowing to group of exiting patrons: Thank you, puh-rease come again!
Very femme male waiter, exasperated: Oh, shut up!

Restaurant
San Francisco, California

And He Claimed It's Not Meant to Be Eaten Directly from the Jar

Woman in line at the bank: I am thinking about leaving him. All he does is lie to me!
Friend: Oh? Lie about what?
Woman: Well, yesterday he bought me some of that Nutella spread? He said it was chocolate, but I know for a fact that it's hazelnut!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Why All Lord Of the Flies Lectures Take Place in the Afternoon

Girl #1, after seeing Sweeney Todd: Dude, is it bad that some of those people-pies looked good? I wonder what they would taste like...
Girl #2: That's awful!
Girl #1: Too bad. Those fuckers looked tasty.
Girl #3: I told you we should have eaten before we came here.

California

Overheard by: Kayleigh

In His Electronic Sepulchre There by the Sea

Girl discussing Edgar Allan Poe's The Oval Portrait: It's just that it seems like he went through and for each word looked in the dictionary for the longest synonym. Or, well, did he use those words back then?

Baltimore School for the Arts
Baltimore, Maryland

How to Gain Great Face in a Sushi Restaurant

Waiter: Does anyone have a green Firebird?
20-something lesbian: I do, why?
Waiter: It's on fire in the parking lot!
(20-something lesbian and girlfriend go outside and return ten minutes later)
Waitress: Is everything okay?
20-something lesbian, matter of factly: Yeah, my car just caught fire. Can we have another plate?
Girlfriend, unaffected: Also, she ordered tempura.

Sushi Garden
Tucson, Arizona

I Guess We Could Try Smoking Them

Teen guy: Yeah, we got like, so wasted!
Teen girl #1: It was great, yeah. We got so high.
Teen girl #2: Where did you guys get the alcohol?
Teen girl #1: What?
Teen girl #2: If you guys were getting high, where did you get the alcohol?
Teen girl #1: That's drunk. You get high off weed.
Teen girl #2: Oh. Okay. Then, where'd you get that?
Teen guy: My sister. She's sixteen!
Teen girl #2: Can't you get high off books?
Teen guy: What?
Teen girl #2: Cause, can't, like...books get you high?
Teen girl #1: What?

Library
East Vancouver, BC
Canadia

Thoughtful and Creepy, That's You

Suit: Well, no, I've never had an STD before...why, do you want to give me one?

Aurora, Colorado

Overheard by: wallflower

More Blowback from American Imperialism Abroad

Girl talking to two people about to take a nap: I'm going to colonize your bodies when you sleep.

Dorm, UCSC
California

Overheard by: Derrick

It's Easy for the Deaf to Maintain Friendships

Old woman #1: She tried putting it everywhere, in the lamp and the overhead light, nothing worked.
Old woman #2: The violin is not my favorite instrument. It's too high pitched.
Old woman #1: I'm worried someone might steal the soup from the church, you never know who's in there now.
Old woman #2: Of course Justin never paid that bill, so I covered it for him.

Train
Melbourne
Australia

We Should Do a Barbeque or Something

Man: You look familiar.
Woman: I think we are neighbors. 1st and Bates?
Man: Yeah, we live on the 1st Street side.
Woman: Ah, I live near the crackhouse on Bates.
Man: Can you be more specific?
Woman: The red crackhouse on Bates.

dcist.com

Have You Considered an Air Purifier?

Geology professor, after sneezing: It's all these trees outside having all of this unprotected sex.
Student: We're just caught in the crossfire.
Geology professor: Exactly. You should see the stains on my car!

University of Mary Washington
Fredericksburg, Virginia

You Tell a Story Just Like Your Dad

Girl #1 to girl #2: Did you see the way he grabbed me like that? I was like, "you need to not grab me like that"

International Airport
St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: glad he didn't grab ME like that

First Of All, There's Hardly Any Literacism There.

Elderly man to elderly gaggle: Why's everyone wasting their time trying to raise money for Africa? Africa's a wretched country.

Max's German Restaurant
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Ladle

The Perversion That's Sweeping the Nation!

Teen goth boy #1: Dude! That girl is so hot.
Teen goth boy #2: I know!I would so totally pee in her butthole.

Oak Park Mall, Kansas

Except How the Lohan Family Has Managed to Survive

Woman #1: You know what I learned the other day? Social Darwinism.
(awkward pause)
Woman #2: Really? How's that working for you?
Woman #1: Well, it sure explains a lot.

Library, Arcadia University
Glenside, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Xander

The Beginning Of This Season's Greatest Love Story

Bag lady: Any money you can spare for the homeless?
College girl: No, I'm sorry.
Bag lady: Well, fuck you, you sexy bitch!

Washington, DC

Overheard by:

Serenades Sure Have Changed Since the Renaissance

Student girl: And then these tramps started wanking off outside my window!

Manchester Aquatics Centre
England

Overheard by: Noo

And He Prefers to Make Love, Not War.

Dude to chick: William Howard Taft. That's what I call my penis. Because he is large and in charge. And he got stuck in a bathtub.

High School Law Class
New York

Overheard by: Adrienne

When the Elderly Are Exposed to Adam Corolla

Old lady to grown daughter: Well you know what your brother's problem is? He's pussy-whipped!

San Jose, California

You Bet Your Honduras!

Customer pointing to guacamole: Can you put some of that Guatemala on it?

Chipotle
Washington, DC

My Favorite Guy to Get Pregnant By Is Also Named Ricky

Skinny punk teen girl: Oh, I love lime rickeys. But my favorite drink--when I'm not pregnant--is a rum rickey.

Franklin Fountain
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: office peon

Hence the Babies

Hispanic teenager with baby, yelling out of bus doors: You're an icy bitch!
Chinese woman, muttering loudly: Fucking immigrants.

Bus Station
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: another immigrant

Time to Move Back to New York

Chick #1: I hate kittens.
Chick #2: Do you hate rainbows too?
Guy: And dreams?
Chick: #3: And butterflies?

San Diego, California

They'd Kick Themselves When Lauren Hutton's Career Took Off

Guy #1: She is just not attractive. I thought it might help when she smiled, but it didn't.
Guy #2: I know! It only makes it worse.

Wendy's
Carrollton, Texas

John McCain? Ewww

Skinny emo guy to emo girl: The only way I'm going to see him naked is if I picture it in my head. Oh, god damn it! I just saw it!

Missouri State University

Overheard by: Matt

Christopher Walken Has a Fever Again

Man walking into coffee shop: I need some pantyhose, stat!

Muddy Waters Coffee Shop
Burlington, Vermont

As Long As You Diligently Come to Office Hours

Teacher: Listen, I guarantee that by the time you graduate, each one of you will have a form of herpes.

New York City, New York

My Diet Regimen: A Jerk for Breakfast, a Jerk for Lunch, and a Sensible Breakup

Slightly drunk friend: I hate Valentine's Day!
Slightly drunker friend: Me too. Anyway, so here's what I'm going to do: I'm just going to convince myself that I'm in love with him. That way, when he breaks my heart, I'll drop 20 pounds.

Volta Taverna
Oxford, Mississippi

Overheard by: that's the only diet i know...

Ah, the Irish Imagination

Little boy, as plane starts its descent: Oh my god! What are going to do? We are going to get stuck in the clouds! Please! Somebody help us! Help!

Dublin
Ireland

If You Get Kidnapped, What Happens to the Child Support, Huh?

Woman to child: I'm not responsible for knowing where you are. It's not my job to watch you. You need to be responsible and know where I'm at.

Aquarium
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Really?

Even Mothers Don't Really Know Where Babies Come From

60-something woman: He has always been a quiet person. He's been that way for as long as I have know him, and I have known him since he was a little boy.
Car salesman: Yeah. Wait, didn't you give birth to him?
Woman: I guess I have known him pretty much from the beginning, then. Weird.

Car Dealership
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Overheard by: stephen

And They're Less Of a Drag

Hobo walking out of convenience store, tapping a pack of cigarettes to his hobo lady: I don't need you anymore. I got cigarettes.

San Diego, California

Overheard by: Matt

I've Got the List Whittled Down to Me, You, and Anderson Cooper

Punk dude: I have the ability to decide who deserves a soul.

Manitou Springs, Colorado

Overheard by: Nathan Brauner

Anally

Sociology professor: This course is cheap, but I'm expensive, so please make use of me.

Boston University, Massachusetts

Why Assless Chaps Exist

Physics professor, talking about static electricity: So why does it work when I'm sliding in a car with carpet seats wearing my wool sweater and not work when I'm sliding in a car with leather seats in my leather outfit?
Students: (shocked silence)
Professor: I mean...I don't...ummmm, moving on...

University of Evansville
Evansville, Indiana

Poleballing Is Huge in Canadia

Passerby to girl: They cut off my balls and taped them to a fucking pole.

Ottawa
Canadia

That, My Friends, Is How Christianity Works

Ranting professor: Say you're on a date, and your waiter places a bag of saltine crackers in front of you.
(students are puzzled)
Ranting professor: So, you're happy to have these crackers. But your date says to you: "Don't you see the filet mignon or the lobster?" But you can't see them! So you eat the crackers, and then you die. Then I go to your funeral.

Moorpark College
Moorpark, California

Overheard by: Amanduh

Your Editors' Gumdrop Field Tests Have Been Inconclusive

Bus driver: Folks, this just in from the weather service, I just thought I'd pass it along to you all. Don't let all these clouds fool you, there's a high heat warning in effect for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, gumdrops, and...snow cones, so if you have any of those items, you'd better keep them inside. That's all.

Bus #17
Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: The Redhead

I Hear the Russian Judge Gives Extra Points for That

Flaming gay over speakerphone: Just like that boy from Miami last night, I tried to suck his dick like I was trying to win an Olympic gold medal. And that's the only ass I would lick even if it wasn't clean.

Washington, DC

We Heart Zippy Unironically

Teen prep: Shell is a lot more expensive than GetGo these days. (later) I'm missing a lifetime movie right now!
Father: She's like Zippy the Pinhead!

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Shoppy

With a Cool Aussie Accent, You Can Marry Anybody in the U.S.

Schoolboy #1: I hear there's this law in America where if you're a guy you can marry your brother.
Schoolboy #2: That's wrong.
Schoolboy #1: Even if you're a dude!

Adelaide
Australia

"Zombie Studies" Is a Thing?

Zombie studies professor, after lecturing at length on feminist film theory: But enough of that boring stuff. Let's watch a movie where people get murdered!

Chicago, Illinois

The Way Pittsburgh Stole the Overheard Concept

Professor, about a book currently sold out at the campus bookstore: This book has been required in my class for years. All the upperclassmen have this book. Borrow it! (whispering) Steal it!

Point Park University
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: ZB

I Don't Care If It Is Cardboard

50-something man to 50-something woman: You are not homeless. Homeless people don't own dinnerware!

BART Train
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Morpheus

How Now, A Sponge? Dead For A Krabby Patty, Dead!

Theater professor: In Shakespeare's plays, SpongeBob would die.

Wayne State University
Detroit, Michigan

The Main Problem Is the Language Barrier

Young man: I love living in Honolulu, but everything's so expensive. I can barely afford just to live. It's actually pretty common to buy milk for eight dollars a gallon!
20-something girl: Wow! Really? What's the exchange rate there?
Young man (looking rather baffled): It's about one to one.
20-something girl: Oh, well, that's not too bad.

Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Brian

Daytime TV Sucks, Man

Thug #1: So then we went down to that school, and Steve threw some rocks at the retarded kids.
Thug #2: Wait, didn't you do that last week?
Thug #1: Yeah, that's Steve's new thing.

Summer Street
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: JChill

Because All Your Term Papers Are Bas