Overheard Everywhere | May 2008 Archives

So the Reverend Wrote That Down under "Burial Wishes"

Wannabe thug #1: So I told her: "Bitch, there'd better be flowers on my balls!"
Wannabe thug #2: Straight.

Mission Hill
Massachusetts

Overheard by: Henry

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Told You When God Closes a Door, He Opens a Window

Father: So, any luck with finding a jacket?
Teenage daughter: No, but somebody tried to sell me drugs.
Father: Well, that's something.

Victoria Market
Melbourne
Australia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Rain on Your Wedding Day, for Instance, Is Just Good Luck

[At computer lab.]
Student #1: Try looking up "irony-", that might work.
Student #2: Irony isn't even a word, idiot.

Royalton, Minnesota

Overheard by: Lynn

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'm Thinking, I'm Thinking!

Prof: Do you think that kicking a pregnant woman in the stomach was wrong?
Student: Ummmm... I'm not certain.
Prof: Do you think that what he did was a crime?
[Student pauses for nearly 30 seconds.]
Student #2: Dude, he kicked a baby.

Seton Hall Law
Newark, New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Don't Even Get Me Started on This Banana Lamp

[Two 18-year-old girls are browsing a table full of random items for sale at a Christian thrift store at a local church.]
Girl #1: This candle holder would probably feel great inside my pussy.
Girl #2, barely startled: Haha. Yeah.
Girl #1: Ooh, this shirt is nice!

Gothenburg
Sweden

Overheard by: Donny Boots

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Now Aren't You Glad We Went Through My Daughter's Sock Drawer?

Middle-aged woman, to older woman: Those were some really good drugs!

Dunkin' Donuts
University of Rhode Island

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Unless There's Something I Don't Know About DVD Players

Guy on cell: Just because you own one doesn't make you Mormon!

Barnes & Noble
Southlake, Texas

Overheard by: Autumn

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Planned Parenthood Would Have Advised Mary to Say No

Planned parenthood speaker: I'm here to talk to you about birth control.
Chick, ecstatic: This really is the best Christmas ever!

High School Assembly
Englewood, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Some of Which Also Wound Up on Her Thigh

Frat boy #1: ... And it just came out on her thigh. He didn't even get it in. Just wound up on her thigh.
Frat boy #2, mumbling: Dude! I hate when that happens.
Frat boy #1: What?!
Frat boy #2: I said I ate some chicken.

University of Alabama, Alabama

Overheard by: CB

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

They Have the Cutest Little Subway

[Girl hugging a guy.]
Girl: Eew, you smell like vagina.
Guy: Oh no, that's just Philadelphia.

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by: EavesdropDC

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Since It Conflicted with Their Weekly Swingers' Parties

Soccer mom #1: Is Cindy* coming?
Soccer mom #2: No, she broke up with Steve* today.
Soccer mom #1: She broke up with Steve*? Why?
Soccer mom #2: She called him and told him she wanted to play mixed doubles tennis, and he just lost it.

LA Fitness Locker Room
Buford, Georgia

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Chicken Doesn't Count, Sir

60-year-old journalism professor: Oh, the choking game? Heh... I play that all the time.

Emerson College
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Sarah

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But Not a Real Green Dress --That's Cruel

Girl on phone: I'll go on MySpace and look until I die for a picture of you in a ugly green dress!

Orlando Ale House
Orlando, Florida

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

How Can You Be Anal Enough to Label Your Speedos but Still Lose Them?

Voice over loudspeaker: Attention members. Will Arthur Sarksian come to the front desk? We found your Speedos.

24 Hour Fitness
Glendale, California

Overheard by: James Jameson

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Because He Was a Lame Duck

Chick: So, they haven't actually had a mayor since the last one had to be euthanized...

Honors Lounge, Metro State College
Denver, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Christianity's All About the Special Effects

Girl to mother: You know, that's why I'm so messed up. My main memories of church are smearing fake blood on a Ken doll for Cain killing Abel, with pigeons cooing at me; and dancing across the stage in a pink tutu for The Odyssey.

Aurora, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Dude Said He Wanted to Sail on My Wine-Dark Sea

Girl on cell: I just heard the most epic pickup line. Like, if Homer had known this pickup line it would have been all over The Odyssey.

Northwestern University
Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Environment Thanks You, Citizen!

Woman browsing through dildos at a sex shop: Do you have any of these that plug in? I run through batteries too fast.

Toledo, Ohio

Overheard by: Cap

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It Is Hard To Come Across Jeans Already Faded

Guy watching Macy's commercial: Ugh! This American obsession with consumerism is just disgusting! Not to mention flawed.
Sarcastic girl: What the hell do you think you are, Mr. Abercrombie jeans? Jamaican?

Western Washington University
Bellingham, Washington

Overheard by: He was obviously a freshman

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

While Headbanging, My Mom Broke Her Own Neck

Spanish prof: What's the difference between a stone and a rock, English speakers?
Student #1: A stone is smooth and near water.
Student #2: A rock is big, like you can't pick it up.
Spanish prof: Well, that would make sense. I mean, we stone people to death, we don't rock them to death.
Cute girl student: It's happened before.

De Anza Community College
Cupertino, California

Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl has a little crush on her

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Wanted You to Understand How It Felt to Read Your Term Papers

Professor: I think I popped a few Oxycontins before I wrote this so it might not make any sense.

Salem State College
Salem, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Like the Colors in My LSD Trip to Arrive in a Predictable Sequence

Young woman: Sometimes I feel like I'm in the seventies.
Friend: What? Why?
Young woman: Well, I mean... It's usually just when I look at stoplights, like the yellow ones.

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: that makes one of us

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

"You're the Meanest Babysitter Ever!" She Screamed

Suit on cell: Yeah, well, we got into a fight about whether she would rather have a regenerating salami foot, or a regenerating cheese hand. She chose cheese hand, but I explained about the salami foot being protected by socks, while the cheese hand is exposed to everything. The conversation just went downhill from there...

Bellevue, Washington

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Either Way I Won't Be Able to Get Off Now

Suit #1: I can't believe I've lost them again!
Suit #2: Are we talking about dildos still or the midgets?

McDonald's Parking Lot
St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: I wish I heard the first part of this conversation

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'd Heard the Expression "Nose Candy" and Gotten Confused

Female student, looking at Valentine candy display: Oh, I love those little cinnamon hearts.
Male student: Oh, me too. When I was a kid I used to snort them up my nose.

Guelph
Ontario
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Childbirth Is All a Hoax

20-something hipster girl to another: So, anyway, no one is pregnant.

Sorella's Diner

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Julianna

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

My Point Exactly

Stoner #1: Yo, what time is it?
Stoner #2: Oh! I know, right?

Roslindale, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Freud: I'm Not Even Sure What She Wants

Girl #1: Yeah, that's not cool, but I understand. He sounds very immature.
Girl #2: He is. It's such a shame. I laid in bed last night reminiscing about the time I spent with him in bed. It's like I can still feel it. Too bad he's such an asshole, and too bad that good dick makes me so... not able to accept what a douchebag a guy really is.

Atlanta, Georgia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Jenna Jameson: "Story of My Life, Honey"

20-something girl: My ass hurts and my throat is sore. I also feel very underwhelmed.

San Francisco, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Would You Mind Taking a Picture Of Us With It?

[A young woman in a wetsuit and a young man in normal clothing are standing near the packaged meats.]
Female employee: Can I help you with anything?
Young woman: Oh, no thanks, we're just admiring the bacon.
Female employee: Oh. Okay! Have a nice day!

Vons
Ventura, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

A Family Tradition I've Been Staunch about Continuing

Drunk woman: ... And that's how my parents hooked up! My dad was a drunk dialer!

Outside George's
Waco, Texas

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Just the Guy We've Been Looking For!

Scientologist: Excuse me, sir. Would you like a free personality test from the Church of Scientology?
Suit: I don't need one. My wife says I'm an asshole.

Outside Church of Scientology, Yonge Street
Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: lauren mcgoldrick

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Drugging Miss Daisy

Old white lady, leaving table with a flourish: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom to shoot up.

Lemongrass
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Loves Her Some Thai Food

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

At Least You Have Your Priorities Straight

Ten-year-old boy: You know what I would have if I could have four wishes?
Big sister: I don't know. What?
Ten-year-old boy: One: no drought in Georgia; Two: no global warming; Three: world peace; Four: a Komodo dragon that is really nice and fun to play with, is a vegetarian, lives forever and can grant eternal life.

Druid Hills, Atlanta

Overheard by: Miranda

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

If Chris Rock Had a Nickel for Every Time He's Heard That...

Teen boy to other teen boy: You'd be racist if you weren't so funny.

Leeds, England

Overheard by: Ashleigh

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Graduation Is Such a Sausagefest

Guy to friend, matter-of-factly: You know he's just teaching there for the kielbasa.

Macalester College
St. Paul, Minnesota

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That Was an Olsen Twin

Teenage girl: Ohmigod, guess what!
Boyfriend: What?
Teenage girl: I just ran over a possum and it humped my car!

Chattanooga, Tennessee

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Delta Burke Saw His Point

Bum women: Do you have bus fare? I need bus fare.
Woman: Sorry, I don't have any change.
Bum: Well, fuck you, you fat, scheming, cheap bitches!

Main Street
Hartford, Connecticut

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And I Didn't Notice Until Lunchtime

Blundergrad: I was really irritable today. There was something up my butt. Literally!

Northwestern University
Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

By 35, She Was Already Set in Her Ways

Goateed gentleman: I tried to teach her that certain words for things were different, like that toothpaste was actually "poop," but I think I waited until she was a bit too old.

Mars Volta Concert, Rams Head Live
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Greeg

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Some People Love Jesus More Than Others

Girl: Seriously, she's completely obsessed. Like all of her final drawings were of his penis. Like all of them.

Roanoke, Virginia

Overheard by: Abbie

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

For the Last Time, That's Not What Lilliputians Are

Girl: So yeah, it would just be like Gulliver's Travels.
[Pause.]
Boy: There'd be kitten penises everywhere!

Warwick, England

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Also to Make Julienne Fries

Freshman #1: I really use a time machine.
Freshman #2: What for?
Freshman #1: Time travel, dumbass.

Northwestern University
Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But, for the Record, I Adore David Spade

Girl #1: She's pregnant? I thought she was on birth control?
Girl #2: She still is.
Girl #1: Isn't that bad for the baby?
Girl #2: Not really, all that will happen is if it's a boy, it will start looking more like a girl...
Girl #1: That's messed up.

Bathroom Stall, Nutty Irishman Bar
Farmingdale, New York

Overheard by: Jennifer

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

As We Shall See in Today's Film, Big British MILFs

Biology professor: There are a lot of great tits in england.

Knox College
Galesburg, Illinois

Overheard by: Oh, bio...

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Eat It Before Those Orgies with the Football Team

College girl #1: Eating raw fish makes you super fertile.
College girl #2: Really?
College girl #1: Yeah, thats why I get pregnant so much.

Japanese Restaurant
Richmond, Virginia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Which Was "No Upper-Body Strength"

Female student #1: Eeew, she has a rolling backpack, you know what that means...
Female student #2: Whore?
Female student #1: Absolutely not what I was going to say.

San Francisco, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Especially If, Instead of the G-Spot, There Was a Little Plastic Prize

Guy: But I hate wearing condoms! I can't feel anything. I might as well put my dick in a cereal box.
Girl: I think my vagina is a bit different from a cereal box.
Dude, excitedly: If your vagina had cereal in it, I'd eat you out all the time!

Davidson, North Carolina

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

....If There Any Left

College kid: Excuse me, what is the difference between these potato pancakes and a potato latka?
Grocery stocker: Um, I don't know what a latka is, so I couldn't tell you.
College kid: A Jewish potato pancake.
Grocery stocker: Well, those potato pancakes are German.
College kid: I wonder if a German Jew would eat them.

Sendik's Grocery Store
Grafton, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Arthur

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Want the Human Race to Pack This Planet Like a Sausage

English professor: Just think of all the eggs that are wasted every time a woman doesn't get pregnant... That's what I do.

Montevallo, Alabama

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Then Why Are My Hands Silver After Touching It?

Tourist: Is it solid silver?
Salesman: Let me show you. First, do you know how to tell the difference between solid silver and silver plate?
Tourist: No.
Salesman: This is solid silver.

Dodgy Souvenir Shop
Egypt

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or the Word "Dyke" Ever Again

Teacher: So, for the final sentence we should get some sort of metaphor for tax cuts helping the US recession.
Student #1: Hmm... Hey, you know like, the commercial where they put gum in the hole in the dam to stop the leak?.
Student #2: Or the finger!
Teacher: Oh, you mean in the dyke!
Student #1: Yeah, so... Tax cuts would be the finger in the hole of America's dyke?
Teacher: Maybe we shouldn't use a metaphor.

English Essentials Class
Waimea, Hawaii

Overheard by: boehmface

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'll Let You Use It for Special Effects in the School Play

Chick on cell: Hey! I had a miscarriage! Wanna hang out?

High School Classroom
Englewood, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But We Call Them "American Voters"

American chick #1: Ohmigod! Look at those white cows! I've never seen cows like that before!
American chick #2: Maybe they're albino... Or it could be a special British type of cow.
Guy sitting behind them: ... Those are sheep.

Bus, Southern England

Overheard by: pretends to be Canadian

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That Carmen Miranda Costume Will Be Done in No Time!

Woman on cell: Slowly... over the next week... add a fruit.

Barnes & Noble
St. Louis, Missouri

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

With Their Affectionate Natures and Agile Fingers

Stats professor explaining problem: And that comes out to be 13.58 when we hire monkeys to plug in the values on our calculators...[more quietly] I really do love monkeys you know...

Barnum Hall, Tufts University
Massachusetts

Overheard by: Adrian

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Dude, Just Make an Audio-Visual Geek Your Friend

Music history professor, putting a CD in the player: And now we pray to the god of CDs. It's not good to be a teacher with CDs. They are very stupid things. [Pause.] ...It's not good to be a teacher, perhaps that's what it is.

Peabody Conservatory
Baltimore, Maryland

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...For Not Telling My Servants to Buy More

Student girl: Aw man, I've no food in the house. It's like I've been robbed, but it's my fault!

Sainsbury's
Lancaster
England

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Low-Maintenance People Live Longer, Anyway

Little old lady: I'm not a Pina Colada type. Give me a Coors Light and a nice doobie and I'm good.

Women's Gym
Studio City, California

Overheard by: urzzz

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

For Instance, If the State Wants to Mix Stripes and Plaids

Bimbette government teacher, explaining checks and balances: So then, like, the national government says to the state government, "Um, you can't do that, you little... like, state."

Canton, Michigan

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Something Just Expanded --Possibly My Awareness

Barista guy, gesturing toward mug of Sharpies: Are you aware that these markers cost ninety-nine cents each?
Barista chick: Are you aware that I want to get my nipples pierced?

Starbuck's, Castro Street
Mountain View, California

Overheard by: touché

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

A Metaphor for Their Entire Life

Jock #1: Yo, dude, so you know how to get there?
Jock #2: Naw, man.
Jock #1: You don't know how to get there?
Jock #2: Where?

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

Overheard by: Nik

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Why Does "Mountainous Region" Sound Dirty to Us?

Older man walking: I know we live in a mountainous region, but if we lived in a really mountainous region I'd wear pants.

University of Massachusetts
Amherst, Massachusetts

Overheard by: I'd wear pants too...

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Have Someone Else Do It, But I Guide Their Hand

Muslim girl: I'm really emo, but you couldn't tell from looking at me.
Other girl: Really?
Muslim girl: Yeah, but I don't cut myself. Well, technically. It depends what you mean by cutting yourself.

University of Toronto
Toronto
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So Thanks for Letting Me Into Yale

Hipster guy: Yeah, it probably didn't help that I gave you poison ivy and then threw up on you.

Bar
Columbia, Missouri

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Thanks, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome!

Mother, to three-year old in stroller: Oh, ha ha ha! You're retarded.

Paducah, Kentucky

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Like an Open Spirit and Three Hits of Acid

Teacher: What you get from Beatlerama depends on what you bring to it.

Science class
Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: mollydear

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

No Good Ever Comes of Communication

Wife: Do you like my new hairstyle?
Husband: Yep.
Wife: That's it? Just "yep"?
Husband: Looks very different. It'll be like having sex with another woman.
Wife: Asshole! Should have kept my mouth shut.
Husband: Yep.

Circle Centre Mall
Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

More Women With Dirtier Minds Than Men

Girl #1, pointing to bag of peanuts: Are those your nuts?
Girl #2: No, they're Bob's* nuts.
[brief pause, then both girls begin laughing hysterically]
Girl #1, after a few minutes: That was the stupidest thing ever.
Girl #2: You know you liked it.

Oakland, California

Overheard by: I laughed because I didn't know what was going on

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Turns Out Hell Is Nicer Than Michigan

Bimbette on cell: I thought I'd died, and then gone to, like, not heaven.

University of Michigan
Ann Arbor, Michigan

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You Never Did That When We Were Together, Either

Young guy on cell: You got a bikini wax?... Really?... How come you never did that when we were together?... Oh, so you're a woman now?

7-Eleven
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Also Why She Refuses to Play Musical Chairs

Girl #1: Isn't lap dancing anal sex?
Girl #2: Uhh, excuse me?
Girl #1: Well, if a girl sits on a guy's lap and he gets an erection, it would go [points up] up the ass, right?

High School
Australia

Overheard by: NinjaPirates

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Mean I Have a Case of the Cups

American guy: Hmm, what should we have for desert?
French girl: I've been craving crab cakes. With frosting.
American guy: Uhh, you mean cupcakes?!

3rd St West Hollywood
Los Angeles, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...to Quote Walter Cronkite

White HS boy, in fake deep voice: That's why titties and Tater Tots don't mix!

33X Bus
Nashville, Tennessee

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Philip Pullman: Goddamn It!

[Family looking at a Golden Compass poster.]
Mom: Oooh! The new Narnia movie!
Dad: Did you know the polar bear is Jesus?

Great Escape Theater
Illinois

Overheard by: The Surly Usher

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Out of What?

Five-year-old boy: How old are you?
Tutor: Twenty.
Five-year-old boy: Yeah, well, do you know how to make a monkey?

Dallas, Texas

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Blame the Lasciviousness of Contemporary Mores

Middle school student: It's not my fault he got hit with the G-string...

Toms River
New Jersey

Overheard by: the sub

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Straight Men: Dammit, You Guys Ruin Everything!

Gay sports fan to table of gay sports fans, while watching Packers game: So, are you a packer or a packee?

Washington, DC

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You're Lucky You Were Able to Kiss All My Anger Away

Guy #1: Dude... that joke went to far.
Guy #2: You know what was going too far, David*? Breaking into my house.

Bolingbrook High School
Bolingbrook, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Last Time I'll Put My Money Where My Mouth Is

Man coming out of strip club: My mouth still tastes like dollars.

New Orleans, Louisiana

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Now In Stores, Ghetto Booty Barbie

Girl: Everyone knows Barbie is disproportional. Look! She has no butt! And her waist is tiny.
[Pause.]
Professor: I bet black Barbie has a big butt.

Los Angeles, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The San Francisco Equivalent of a Nice Dinner and Jewelry

Angry suit on cell: I cleaned out my ass for you, bitch!

On the Street
San Francisco, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And at Least the Newport Jazz Festival Is Over in Three Days

Guy in suit: I said, "It's better than a Chinese prison, you should be used to it by now."

Memorial Union Bus Stop
University of Rhode Island, Kingston, Rhode Island

Overheard by: Jo

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Our Love Is A Battlefield

Casanova: This is a replica of the helmet I wear when I fuck my wife.

Cincinnati, Ohio

Overheard by: shadow

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And You're Spilling My Martini!

Kid: I want to go swimming!
Dad: They don't have any smoking rooms here, and I gotta smoke. We have to go somewhere else.
Kid: Can't you just go outside and smoke?
Dad: It's snowing outside! You'd like it if I had to go out in the cold and snow just so you could go swimming, wouldn't you?
Kid: But they have a pool here! I want to go in the pool!
Dad: That's all you do... All you do is think about yourself! I gotta smoke!

204 Hendersonville Road
Asheville, North Carolina

Overheard by: Taryn

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Guess I Never Really Thought of Simba in Those Terms

Girl #1: Even when I was a little kid I knew it was Christian propaganda. I was like, "Hey, this lion is Jesus!"
Girl #2: That was great, say it again.
Girl #1: This lion is Jesus!

AMC Century City

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Fred Discovers Urine in the Ball Pit

Guy shaking his fist: Damn you, Chuck E. Cheese!

New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Specifically, a Fatty Boombalatty

Guy: I learned something... What did I learn? I learned that my son is a fatty.

Chick-fil-A
Marietta, Georgia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

That's What You Said During Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Random kid: Oh god! This is going to turn into a pregnancy fetish porno.

While seeing Juno
Peabody, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We're More Of a Honky Hut Family

Black student to white teacher: So we're going to Sarasota to visit a college up there. Do you know the easiest way to get there?
White teacher: Sure! You can take I-75 straight up, and if you want to stop for something to eat, there's Cracker Barrel all over the place.
Black student: Cracker Barrel? Umm, no, I don't think so...

Design and Architecture High School
Miami, Florida

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Which, for Some Reason, Makes Me All Tingly Inside

Woman #1: That's a wonderful coat.
Woman #2: I hope it stays cold long enough for me to enjoy it.
Woman #1: You know, you're really brave. I have a fur at home but I can't stop thinking about those crazy PETA people chasing me down with a van and hurting me.

Sidewalk in front of Grocery Store
Maryland

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Not Without My Fainting Couch and Fan Nearby

Drunk girl: I went to the University of Alabama, so you don't have to tell me about sex.

Sammy's
Raleigh, North Carolina

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Got Strung Up by My Ankles at an AC/DC Concert for That Mistake

English teacher: A rhetorical question is a question you don't expect an answer to. When a band yells, "Are you ready to rock?", they're not actually expecting someone to yell back, "Not quite, give us a couple more minutes."

Hume-Fogg High School
Nashville, Tennessee

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I Feel the Magma Flowing Beneath Their Placid Surface

Mother to daughter, regarding t-shirts: We need to get you a big one 'cause your boobs are growing way too fast.
Flat-chested daughter: Yeah, I know.

Hollywood Tower of Terror Shop
Disneyland, California

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Sometimes She Feels Like Wearing It. Sometimes She Doesn't

Big sister: Look sis! This coat says it was made in Macedonia.
Little sister: Isn't that a nut?

Macy's at Roosevelt Field
Long Island, New York

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Was I Awake?

Tipsy girlfriend, playing "Never Have I Ever": Never have I ever done 69 with anyone.
Boyfriend: Ping.
Girlfriend: What?! Who did you 69?!
Boyfriend: You, fool!
Girlfriend: Oh.

Ohio University
Athens, Ohio

Overheard by: outfirst

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Not Even in Back Bay?

Guy: Yeah, it's like that one time we ended up at the homosexual movie theater.
Girl: They have gay movie theaters?
Guy: Yeah, it's called, like... Homoplex or something.
Girl: We don't even have those in Boston.

Diner
St. Louis, Missouri

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Good Thing Pluto Didn't Hear That

Chocolate store girl: You're a dicksucker. You know that? I mean, why bother with you? You seen my ass, you know I'm good-looking. You're-.
Guy in Goofy costume, muffled: Whatever. There are other tits. I'll be just fine regardless. And just so you know [lowers voice as kids approach] you're gonna get us both fired if you keep this shit up.
Chocolate store girl, loudly: Fuck you, and fuck your fucking ass! I hope you get fired! Then you can go home and suck your asshole!
Guy in Goofy costume, losing it: Better than sucking your ex's dick when you're supposed to be working.
Chocolate store girl, stunned: Who told you that?!
Guy in Goofy costume: Jen, after I fucked her!
[Girl walks into the shop quickly and goes into back room looking like she's going to cry. Goofy goes back to wandering around aimlessly, waving to little kids.]

Disney World
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: after that, my g/f and i applied for jobs there

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Remember How I Said I Couldn't Come to Class Yesterday Morning Because I Was "Tied Up"?

Professor: Never spend the night with a Croatian! Those guys are fucked up.

Hartford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Claire

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You Have to Earn the Right to Stay in Paradise, Pal

Guido: Dude, I think your girlfriend is going to dump you. You fell off your chair inside and you punched me in the ribs twice when I got up to go to the bathroom.
Drunk Guido: No, she can't dump me. She lets me put it in her ass!

Outside Restuarant
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: Lauren

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Do I Need to Show You the Algorithm Again?

Guy: I would ask her out, but she's just so dumb. I mean, like, soo dumb.
Girl: Can't you just overlook that for one night?
Guy: She's not quite cute enough.

San Jose, California

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When I Have My Period, I Get a Mop

Chick: No, if I take a shit I get the dish soap.
Guy: [nods understandingly].

George Washington University
Washington, DC

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Yeah, Technically 'Martians' and 'Venusians'

Guy in sociology class: So male and female... Are those races?

Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com

Overheard by: doug

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Oscar Meyer Was Never a Straight A Student

Instructor to student, during class debate: You look like you're deep in thought there. Anything you want to share with us?
Student: Dude, I was just thinking about hot dogs.

College class
Farmington, Connecticut

Overheard by: Student

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Try the Cap'n Cramps

Woman in cereal aisle: Where's the one that makes you poop?

Fry's
Tucson, Arizona

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How Jessie Got Us Arrested

[Three intoxicated college girls are walking along the street. One trips, falls, and all three laugh hysterically. An unmarked police van passes by]
Cop, yelling out of the window: Looks like three underage drinking tickets right there!
Girl #1: We're all 21!
Cop: Well, it looks like you're 4!
Girl #2: Looks like you're 37 and looking for a boyfriend!

Madison, Wisconsin

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No More Gene Kelly Movies for You, Young Man

Mom, walking in the rain: This is not good.
Four-year-old son: It's nice!
Mom: It is not nice, what the hell?!

Springfield, Massachusetts

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Baby Needs a New Pair of Clear Heels

Hooker: Hey baby, you looking for a good time?
Guy: Haha, hell no.
Hooker: Fine. All right then. Next!

Waikiki, Hawaii

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We'd Be Wide Awake, but Our Cards Would Be Stained

Guy playing magic card game with a bunch of friends: All I'm saying is that somewhere, in an alternate universe, there is a table producing coffee!

Clark College
Vancouver, Washington

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As Depicted in All of My Paintings

Mother to daughter: I swear, next time you're going to smack your mouth on something and I'm just going to move you to the side and leave you there and watch the blood run down.

On Line for Space Mountain
Disney World, Florida

Overheard by: Kat

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The Professor Accused Me of Spreading It on Too Thick

Male art student: I'm in a creative writing class and I've been writing a lot of stories about mayonnaise.

Allegheny College
Meadville, Pennsylvania

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With the Help of Her Lovely Assistant

Jewish student, about another: Every time we talk about the holocaust she, like, throws her Jew out and spins a dreidel with it or whatever.

SUNY
Geneseo, New York

Overheard by: Jeni

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You Really Shouldn't Discriminate Against People Who Try to Kill You

Jewish man: I am not sexist!
Jewish man's friend: You are so sexist Archie Bunker is embarrassed.
Jewish man: I'm not sexist. I'll stab a chick in her junk!

Israeli Martial Arts Class
Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: Ari

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...Whom I'd Started Dating in Geometry

Boy #1, talking to friend in between classes: Hey what did you do in English?
Boy #2: Oh... I broke up with Jessica*.

Berryhill High School
Oklahoma

Overheard by: BlakeMas

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Kinda Misleading That His Name's Mario, Though

Teen girl #1: Your dad could be a plumber because of his moustache.
Teen girl #2: My dad doesn't have a moustache.
Teen girl #1: Well I wish he did.
Teen girl #2: Too bad, bitch!

North Bay
Ontario
Canadia

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They're Instrumental in Getting High?

Professor: So the wars of opium wars were fought because the Chinese didn't want their citizens smoking their bongos and being loopy.
Student: Wait, bongos?
Professor: Yeah those pipe things... Bongos, right?

Michigan State University
East Lansing, Michigan

Overheard by: Erika

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What Happened to the Other.... Actually, I Don't Wanna Know

New homeowner: Did you ever find out what was causing that smell?
Worker: Yep.
New homeowner: What was it?
Worker: I'm not gonna tell ya.
New homeowner: Come on, what was it?
Worker, with a serious face and tone: You've got about four and a half to five opossums underneath your house.

Huntington, West Virginia

Overheard by: Jess

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We Respect That You Didn't Take the Easy Route with "Robert Downey Jr."

Girl: "Pokemon Stadium," is just stupid. If the other Pokemon does some confusion attack, you just end up slapping yourself or some shit. No one gets so confused they hurt themselves!
Boy: Tell that to Danny Bonaduce.

Worcester, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Katie

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Jesus Was to Vex Mary His Entire Life

Mother, exiting trolley, to her son: Okay, come on, there's people behind us.
Son: I want to say goodbye!
Mother: Oh, god.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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I Wondered What You Had Against Charlie Chaplin

Suit #1: I meant 'tramp' like a homeless person.
Suit #2: Ohhh. Well, that changes everything.

Yonge and College
Toronto
Canadia

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I Am One With My Car

Young woman to girl, after car accident: Do you have car insurance or anything?
College girl: Blue Cross Blue Shield.
Young woman: ... Uhh... That would be health insurance.

South Burlington, Vermont

Overheard by: Charlee

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I Hardly Touched Myself at All

Dude: Just because I watched you out a window for an hour doesn't mean I'm creepy.

High School Classroom
Englewood, Colorado

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And I Need Lipstick for Medicinal Purposes

College girl, handing heavy basket to boyfriend: I'm all for feminism, but I don't like carrying heavy things.

Target
Towson, Maryland

Overheard by: Kay-ren

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Good to Know Fast Food Joints Are Just As Classy Outside the U.S.

Crazy hobo in McDonald's line: Does the McDuplo come with fries?
Mcworker: Only if you get the combo. Would you like the combo?
Crazy hobo in McDonald's line: Son of a bitch! This is McDonald's. I want fries with my fucking sandwich. [he throws up on the floor, then walks away muttering.]
Mcworker to other mcworker: I wish I was dead.

McDonald's
Belo Horizonte
Brazil

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Good Point --No Effect on Religious Beliefs

Professor: Now, if we did eliminate illness and achieved immortality there might be serious religious repercussions. Can anyone think of how this might affect religious beliefs?
Bimbette: Well, like, if Hitler were immortal, he would, like, go to jail for, like, a million years and then, like, chill out for eternity, you know?

Eternal Youth and Immortality Seminar
Lafayette College, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: knows that Hitler would still be dead because he SHOT himself

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I Know It's True --I Heard It from a Christian Rapper

Teacher: So when you have sex with someone who isn't a virgin, your spirit is having sex with the spirits of everyone that person had sex with.

Religion Classroom
El Paso, Texas

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Only That One Time, When We Were Stuck in Traffic

Small boy: It's fire!
His mother: That is your umbrella. It is not a sword or weapon of any kind.
Small boy: It's underpants!

Trolley
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Material Boy Though I Am

Male professor: I'm sorry, I just can't sing "Some boys kiss me". I know that's desperately heteronormative, but I can't help it!

Hartford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Claire

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Build Him a Sukkah?

Loudmouthed breakfast patron: I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but what if you keep kosher and someone, like, brings a pig to your house? Like, what do you do with their pet pig?

Toast Two
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Paul

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Not the Demographic to Fear in Colorado

Girl #1: Why does Denzel Washington with a gun freak me out?
Girl #2: Because he's black.

Movie Theater
Colorado

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And in a Jar in the Office Fridge

Large black dude on cell: What?!... Okay... His sperm is alive and well and kicking.

BART
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Nate

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Like Travel Boggle!

Tall blonde: That's just cause you're short... No, don't worry! You're adorably short. You're small and compact for my convenience.
Short brunette: I'm fun-sized!

Santa Cruz, California

Overheard by: in the spirit of Halloween

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Hardly Worse Than Getting Dick-Poked Before Birth

[husband and wife are pushing stroller through the mall. Suddenly another man rushes up and picks the husband up, twirling him around while everyone cracks up]
Man, looking over at child: Wow, that would be a really awkward first memory!

Spotsylvania Towne Centre
Fredericksburg, Virginia

Overheard by: That Girl In The Kiosk

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Well Obviously

Film professor: Apparently in the 1970s the devil came to earth with the intention of occupying small women.

Corvallis, Oregon

Overheard by: David

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Is the Moral of the Ant and Grasshopper Story

Lecturer: People who are happy, hopeful, and relaxed... are a pain in the ass.

Auckland
New Zealand

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Since His Parole Officer Told Him to Keep His Ass Clean

Teen girl: Sam is so sexy. There's like, no poopy on him.

Palm City, Florida

Overheard by: I don't know about you

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Girls Suffer Most from the British Class System

Girl #1: All they talked about was fannies... And tits... And... Fuckin'... Something else.
Girl #2: Rugby.
Girl #1: Yeah. Rugby.

Warwick
England

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She Produced Sitcom Pilots in the 80s

Blonde: I wish I was a dad. It would be so funny!

Wellington
New Zealand

Overheard by: Sars

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Fool Me Twice, Shame on Morton's

Freshman girl: Never snort salt.
Other freshman girl: I know, right! It burns so bad!

Bethesda, Maryland

Overheard by: Shelby

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Edgar Allen Poe Was a Difficult Kid to Raise

Mother: Honey, do you remember mommy's friend Denise?
Four-year-old son: Uh-huh.
Mother: Well, mommy has to leave right now, because Denise's father passed away, and I have to go and tell Denise that I'm sorry.
Four-year-old son: Oh. Did you kill him?

Port Jefferson, New York

Overheard by: arctinus

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Christian Discovers He Has a Vocation for the Priesthood

Gay boy: ... And I woke up and my room was filled with red buttons and ears of corn, then my comforter turned into a giant lake, and three purple rhinoceroses just like rose out of it! And--
Girlfriend #1: No, Christian, there is no such thing as rhinoceroses. The plural of "rhinoceros" is "rhinocerii".
Girlfriend #2: Stacy... I don't think that's right... I think it may be "rhinos-"
Girlfriend #1: Courtney, that's ridiculous, we're being serious here...
Gay boy: Okay, guys! It doesn't matter. Anyway, back to the story... The weirdest part is, after all that happened, I thought I liked girls...
Girlfriend #1 and girlfriend #2: Wow... That is strange...

Huntington Movie Theater
Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Mo

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Don't Worry --It Was Completely Consensual

Adult woman to girlfriend's six-year-old daughter: Oh honey! You got your knees all skinned up with boo boos! What happened?
Six-year-old girl, shrugging: Oh, you know... Boys.

South 4th St
Louisville , Kentucky

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Dear Martha Stewart...

Frustrated waitress: There's not enough Scotchguard in the world to help those sex cushions!

Rudyard's
Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Hales

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I'm Lactose Intolerant!

Professor: So if we played the word association game, and I said the word "ice cream", Tiffany might say "playground" because she used to eat ice cream on the playground. And then maybe if I said the words "ice cream" to Tom, he might say "sex" because he's a serial rapist.
Tom: But I'm not.

SUNY
Geneseo, New York

Overheard by: Colin

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Nas: It's About Time

Four-year old practising just before the pageant: Hark the herald, angels sing, glory to the New York king!

Church Christmas Pageant
Annapolis, Maryland

Overheard by: thought NY was a Fifedom

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Then Whose Funeral Was I Just Attending?

70-something woman to 80-something woman: Oh hello, so you're still alive?!

Wloclawek
Poland

Overheard by: renia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So Maybe She Needed Out-of-This-World Sex

Guy on cell: Yeah, I hooked up with her. [pause] I fucked her. She was tight. [pause] She hasn't called me back. I don't get why it's so hard to take five seconds out of your day to see how I'm doing. [pause] She's, like, Asian. Half Asian and half alien.

Barnes & Noble
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Hobo

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Translation: I'm Still a Little Stoned

Girl, frantically looking through fridge: Shit, I'm gonna be late for work... What the hell? Why is your rice in my freezer?
Boyfriend: Because then it will be happy and prosperous.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: Nic

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Said She's Too Old to Start Wearing Pleather Again

Old lady to another: Mary started crying because she thought they were taking her back to New Jersey.

Pizza Shop
Lima, Pennsylvania

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Or When Tyra Had the Realness of Her Breasts Verified

Girl #1: Tyra will never be as good as Oprah. The Tyra show just doesn't have the credibility that the Oprah show has.
Girl #2: Well, Tyra does serious shows sometimes; like when Hilary Duff is on.

Auburn University
Auburn, Alabama

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If You'd Like to Know How Sound Carries, Consult the School Nurse

Biology teacher: [badly draws a woman singing into a microphone, which looks suspiciously like a woman about to give head] If you take this, for example...
[class laughs]
Biology teacher: [steps away from board and sees what class is laughing about] Uh...[erases drawing]... We're just not going to draw today.

Connecticut

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

If the Tagline Isn't "Gotta Fuck Them All" Then Someon Made a Mistake

Girl: The first Pokemon movie was really sad.
Guy #1: Oh, yeah! It made me cry.
Girl: I couldn't believe when Pikachu almost died...
Guy #2: Have you guys seen Pokemon porn?
Girl: Okay, let's just stop right there.
Guy #2: No, it's crazy. You know Misty? She'll do like anything!

Hartford, Connecticut

Overheard by: Claire

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

If We'd Really Won, We'd Still Have Those Cool Accents

Boy holding a box of revolutionary war army men: Mom, who won this war?
Mom: Y'know, I'm not sure.

Craft Store
Wisconsin

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Do You Want to Go to Epcot? Do You?

Mother to daughter: You don't want to piss me off in the happiest place on earth!

Disneyland
Anaheim, California

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Luckily So Many Other Things Taste Like Them

College girl: Just think about all the chickens that get killed every day, like just by McDonald's.
Friend: Yeah, but you know... I don't really care.
College girl: Oh no, I don't care about them either, I'm just scared they're gonna run out of chickens.

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Curlee

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Another Victim of Dr. Seuss' On Beyond Zebra!

Student: I just have a question about the alphabet.

Sarah Lawrence College
Bronxville, New York

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Strong Enough for a Man; Yummy Enough for Little Bobby

Little boy, singing: Should I stay or should I go now? If I stay I'll eat your armpits!

Newton, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Amy

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Fine. Anyone Want Anything from the Sex Kitchen?

Girl #1: Nobody ever sits on it and I don't blame them.
Girl #2: You call it the sex couch, that's why.
Girl #1: I Febreze it!
Girl #2: And then you say that!

Brighton, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Hugging Is a Chick Thing, Dude

Dude #1, watching TV: That's gross, man... He's hugging a dead person.
Dude #2: It's his brother man. What if your mom just died... Wouldn't you hug her?
Dude #1: Well yeah. I guess I would...
Dude #2: Ewwwww.

Lake View Terrace, California

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Texas Finally Catches Up to the Rest of the Country

Teacher: In a representative democracy, if you don't like who's in office, what can you do?
Student: Impeach him!
Teacher: Well, that's too drastic, what else?
Same student: Assassination?

9th Grade World Geography Class
Houston, Texas

Overheard by: amused teacher's aide

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Um, Are These Khakis on Sale?

Retail lady: He fucked me really hard last night. When I woke up all this liquid came out.

Banana Republic
Orange County, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Let's Hope English Isn't Her First Language and Move On

Old lady speaking to granddaughter: What exactly is a handjob?

Huddersfield
England

Overheard by: your how old and you don't know what?

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'm Not Allowed to Use Them at Home

Biology professor, on earthworm digestive systems: And I'm including this part because I enjoy saying words like "anus".

South Dakota State University
South Dakota

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Crap --I Hate Eighteenth-Century Make-Believe

Nine-year-old girl, planning game: So he'll be the priest, and you can be the wet nurse.

Mount Vernon, New York

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