Overheard Everywhere | April 2008 Archives

I Knew I Should've Let the Doctor Keep You a Girl

Mother to ten-year-old son at supermarket check-out queue: And then we'll go and look for a dress for me.
Ten-year-old son: I'm not going clothes shopping with you. You go in every shop, you try everything on, you never like anything and come home with nothing and I'm not standing around waiting!
[All male members of the queue cheer.]

Luton
England

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And Button Up Your Pants, Sweetie

Little girl: I love you, pole.
[She kisses the pole.]
Father: Don't kiss the pole! Keep it rated G!

Outside a Dim Sum Shop
Alameda, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

As Demanded by the Quality of Your Recent Essays

Professor: Okay, time to get back to class.
Student: But this conversation is so rewarding.
Professor: Sorry, but some of us have to go out drinking later tonight.

Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Why Kids Shouldn't Watch Cinemax After Dark

Six-year-old girl, gyrating hips: Mommy! Mommy! This is how babies are made!
Mother: That's nice.

Gap Store, Stanford Shopping Center
Palo Alto, California

Overheard by: this is why I don't shop at the gap

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

At That Point My Crush Was Ova

Girl to friend: So, there was this cute guy, and I was standing behind him, and he just started laying eggs!

Government Center
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: meems

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Me and My Cocaine Fork Will Be Just Fine

Girl: But I'm graduating soon, so I don't need spoons anymore!

Montclair State University
New Jersey

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Dude, It Has the Word "Vajayjay" on the Cover

Twelve-year-old boy to friend: I didn't know bookstores had porn!
Friend: Dude, that's Cosmo!

Barnes & Noble
Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

She Escaped from the Closet and Alerted Red Riding Hood

Fat suit on cell: Damn that grandma!

Russell Square Station
London
England

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Carlos Beltran: I Hate Being an Outfielder

Female Mets fan: I'd let the whole infield fuck me in the ass with no lube if it meant they would win the World Series.
Friend: Classy, Michelle, real classy.

Braves-Mets Game
Queens, New York

Overheard by: aaron

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Dad's the Best Gas-Release Coach in the Midwest

Little girl: I farted!
Dad, indifferent: Stop farting.
Little girl: I farted on the dog!
Dad, still indifferent: Continue farting.

Glendale Heights, Illinois

Overheard by: rbmmom

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Non-Fucking Whorehouses Are Pretty Much Libraries

Female professor: I may not be the best literary critic of the century, but I know when I'm in a fucking whorehouse.

Combs Hall
Fredericksburg, Virginia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Why Do You Have to Bring Ross Perot Into Everything?

Old man employee:... So I was at the Cabbage Patch Kid factory in Georgia...
Young trailer trash dude employee: Cabbage Patch Kids?!? I'd rather hold hands with a midget clown than play with one of those things!

Hardware Store
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: kat

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Then What's Sap?

Girl: Mister, what's that?
Teacher: That is an air purifier.
Girl: A what?
Teacher: An air purifier.
Girl: That's crazy, what yo need an air purifier for?
Teacher: To get the pollen out of the air.
Girl: What's pollen?
Teacher: Well, when trees have sex, they release pollen into the air.
Girl: You mean I am breathing in tree jizz!? [Shudders in repulsion at the thought.]
[Whole class laughs.]

High School
Austin, Texas

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

They're Unlike My Ex-Husband in That Respect

Professor: Cats aren't capable of going into your home, judging what items are valuable, and dragging those items away.

Michigan State University
Michigan

Overheard by: sjshock

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But Only in the Fucking Men Kind of Way

Teen girl #1: So the guy you're dating is gay?
Teen girl #2: No he's not. He isn't gay! ... Well he is a little gay.

Restaurant Patio
California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

For One Thing, He Looks Less Like a Gay Man

[Beauty & the Beast sing-a-long.]
Drunk girl: Is it just me... or is the beast-beast hotter than the human beast?

Duke University
Durham, North Carolina

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You'll Understand Why Santa's Fighting Him

Economics professor, suddenly, in a creepy voice: Noooo you may not! Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills! [Continuing in normal voice.] No? Anybody? No? Shame on you all! Just wait a few more years and you'll get what I'm talking about and you will be so pleased.

Tufts University
Massachusetts

Overheard by: Adrian

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Foil Helmet Just Seals in the Knowledge

Student: I have this irrational fear of being clunked over the head and shipped to a country whose alphabet I don't know, so I'm trying to learn all these alphabets... I must be paranoid, I don't know.

Johns Hopkins University
Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: l_tau

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

The Gerbil Was Menstruating!

Sorority girl: Well, yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that you have a tampon in your butt.

Dickinson College
Carlisle, Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

People See Me, but They Don't See Me, If You Follow Me

Man in cow suit: I know lots of people here too. That's why I am keeping a low profile. Well, as much as a man in a cow suit can.

Putney Walkabout
London
England

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

This Season's Most Unlikely Love Story

Girl, looking at video games: If I had a sword that pimp, I would just kill people all day and run around.
Boy following her: Girl, if you had a sword that pimp I would stop being gay and make you stop to make love to me.
Girl, looking appalled: I'd be busy killing people, though.
Boy, matter-of-factly: Well... I'd make you stop every thirteen kills.

Random Walmart
Boise, Idaho

Overheard by: Bunnee

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Shouldn't This Be Eleventeen

Statistics professor writing on board: I'll leave the numbers out because I always get them wrong anyway.

University of Chicago
Illinois

Overheard by: too early for this class

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Looks Who's Talking, Mister "The-Pirate-Movie-Was-Rated-Arrr"

Guy #1: What did the bear say when he walked into the bar?
Guy #2: [Blank stare.]
Guy #1: Roarrrr. He's a fucking bear, what else would he say! [Laughs out loud.]
Guy #2: I haven't seen you in two months, and this is what you start with? You are a fucking idiot.

Duluth, Minnesota

Overheard by: Amber

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Later That Night, She Was Attacked in Her Bed with Maple Syrup

Professor: So what sorts of people travel abroad and exploit children that are forced into prostitution?
Student: Canadians.
[Class remains silent and professor stares.]
Student: ...I... Was just kidding.

Las Positas College
Livermore, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Do Girls Have Penises? Discuss

[Chick #1 drops purse, condom falls out.]
Chick #2: [Hands it back.] I didn't know you had a penis.
Chick #1: I'm just being prepared.
Chick #2: In case you grow a penis?

High School Classroom
Englewood, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

They Told Me to Say That, but Never Trained Me

Grocery store clerk: Did you find everything you were looking for today?
Customer: Yep.
Clerk: Oh good. The last woman said she didn't, and I had no idea what to say. So I just looked at her and kind of shrugged my shoulders. She got so mad.
Customer: Then why do you ask?
Clerk: To be polite.

HyVee
Fort Dodge, Iowa

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

With Dresden As a Possible Exception

Professor: Well, they had Nazis, but those aren't exactly lighting fixtures.

Theatre Class, SUNY
Geneseo, New York

Overheard by: Jeni

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Was Going to Say, "Masturbate to Climax"

History prof: Benjamin Harrison was a pretty boring guy, with all the personality of a statue...I'm sure he couldn't even...
[Class snickers.]
History prof: Oh god, you fricken teenagers, you drag everything into the gutter!

Colorado University
Boulder, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

If Your Eyes Are Closed, I Assume You're Imagining Another Professor

Professor: I try to say the word "sex" at least two or three times a class to wake people up.

Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Expect Ingratitude. And Sass-Mouth

Mother, shouting at her child: You get mad at me for the things I don't do, and you never appreciate the things I do do!
Little girl: Hahaha, you said doodoo!

Los Angeles, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

We Thought Only Americans Knew This Little About Sex Ed.

[Line for ladies' room]
Girl #1: Hi, do you mind if I cut in front of you? It's urgent.
Girl #2: Sure.
Girl #1: Thanks, I have to change my tampon.
Girl #2: [Blank stare.]
Girl #1: I have to make sure I change it often. Not too often, because once I changed it too much and got chlamydia.
Girl #2: Oh...[Suppresses laugh.]

Western Australia
Australia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Now I'm Terrified a Cat in a Hat Will Come Mess Up My House

Professor: I thought this was made up, but then I read it in a book, which of course means it?s true.

East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

In Case You're Curious...

Little boy: Dad, what's a "brer" rabbit?
Father: A rabbit with a lot of brer in it.

Magic Kingdom
Disney World, Florida

Overheard by: Natalie

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Since the Judge Ordered Me to Steer Clear of Markers

Lady #1: I'm ready, are you coming?
Lady #2: I think I may just stay here and smell the pencils for a while.

Animal Hospital
Abingdon, Maryland

Overheard by: Paying for food

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

He'll Be Singing a Different Tune When Turtlenecks Come Back in Style

Twentysomething guy, excitedly: And all I could think was "Thank god im circumsized!"

Cherry Blossom Festival, National Mall
Washington, DC

Overheard by: sara aliza

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Zeus Was Quite the Problem Child

Little boy #1: [Makes peeing sound, pretends to pee.]
Little boy #2: That's nothing! Feel the wrath of my penis!!

Macy's in Fashion Square Mall
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: Stephanie

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Thanks Sweetie, But That Was the Bedpost

Overexposed springbreaker: Well, since it was a communal dildo, I thought I would be considerate and clean it off.

Tallahassee, Florida

Overheard by: Ew!

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You Expected More from a Stoner at McDonald's?

Stoner #1: Do you have telekinesis?
Stoner #2: No, but I got call-waiting and that three-way call thing.

McDonald's
Escondido, California

Overheard by: DLo

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Yes, the Naked Guy in the Back --Question?

Professor: If you want to get drunk and run around your house naked in your free time that's your own business, but you're not going to do that at work when you're in public.

Metropolitan State College of Denver
Denver, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Though I'm Still Working on Context

Girl walking with two guys: I'm going to teabag you! ...I'm so glad I know what that means now!

WSU
Pullman, Washington

Overheard by: Rachel

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It's Just That All Those Ink-Blots Looked Like Vaginas

Woman on cell: Well, I don't feel like a lesbian.

Volunteer State Community College
Tennessee

Overheard by: kyndgrrl

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You're My Last White Boyfriend, I'll Tell You That

Angry guy to girlfriend at an art festival: How can you be allergic to a color?

Tempe, Arizona

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

"Take, Eat, This Is My Body" Would Actually Work As a Pick-Up Line

Drunk college guy: If I were Jesus, everything would be different!

Duluth, Minnesota

Overheard by: Nic

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Being a Contestant on The Price Is Right? Really?

Morbidly obese man: It's like when you go dumpster-diving and find a whole bedroom set.

Wal-Mart
Gainesville, Florida

Overheard by: Andrea

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Projecting onto My Kids Seems to Help

Honest soccer mom: I'm really trying to get into the whole body-acceptance thing, but I just can't get past how disgusting it is.

Westchester County, New York

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Do We Have to Drag Bernie Everywhere We Go?

Little boy: But I don't care about the dead guys anymore!

Washington Monument
Washington, DC

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Typhoid Mary Was Also an Avid Bowler

Woman at table dining with friend: I mean, I love infectious diseases, don't get me wrong, but that's not my life.

Red Restaurant
Nashville, Tennessee

Overheard by: kyndgrrl

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

It's Great Anal Lube

Perky middle-aged lady: And that's what's so interesting about salad dressing!

East Aurora
New York

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Couldn't You Just Ask for the Air-speed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow?

Bouncer: I don't know... Do you have another piece of ID on you?
Blonde: No, but go ahead, ask me anything!
Bouncer: Why don't your shoes match your skirt?

London, Ontario
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Figure Since He Died for Me, I May As Well Give Him Something Nice to Look At

Man: I'm giving up bread for lent.
Woman: Is that because Jesus Christ died for your sins, or because you're concerned with your figure?

Starbucks
San Diego, California

Overheard by: Maggie

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

If It Leaves My Coffee Table All Wobbly Again, So Be It

Annoyed suit: Sir, don't make me break out the "Canterbury Tales!"

Washington, DC

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Yeah, but We're Also in Boston

Girl #1: And yeah... She had these stains on her teeth.
Girl #2: Ew! Why... We're in America.

Boston, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

So You Can't Date Jews or Muslims

Girl #1: Hey, what's your shoe size?
Girl #2: Six.
Girl #1: I've got a pair of shoes that would fit you, if you want them. They smell vaguely of bacon.

Vancouver
British Columbia
Canadia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

This Is a Photo Of a Manatee, Sir

Townie to his friend: Yeah well, just because you don't like your fat wife doesn't mean I don't!

Plaza Restaurant
Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Alyssa

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

... With My Girlfriend

Guy: Dude, I'm totally getting sexiled by my pre-frosh tonight.

Duke University
Durham, North Carolina

Overheard by: Blue Devils

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Except for This Headline

Serious girl: Nothing important has ever been typed with the thumbs.

UNT Campus
Denton, Texas

Overheard by: Having a Cigarette Break

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Instead I Politely Smell Your Crotch

Middle school chick: Sir, are you married?
Substitute teacher: That's a very personal question. That's like if I asked you, "Has it started yet?"

Terman Middle School
Palo Alto, California

Overheard by: heerothewizard

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Anybody Seen Baryshnikov Lately?

Confused girl: Someone with an unknown number just called me twice. I, of course, ignored the calls. Then they left a voicemail of music from The Nutcracker...I have the feeling I'm about to be murdered.

Lexington, Kentucky

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

All Those Murdered Tomatoes...

College guy: I like salsa, but it makes me sad.

Duluth, Minnesota

Overheard by: Nic

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

When I Think about You, I Smell Myself

Dirty hippy skater dude: Oh man! I can smell myself.
Dirty hippy skater girl: I love it when I can smell myself!

Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Slylock Fox's Puzzle: How Many Things Are Wrong with This Conversation?

Thug sitting in traffic yelling into cell: I moved you and the goddamn kids out here! I robbed muthafuckas for you! I'm facing five to ten goddamn years for you, and I can't even get a goddamn thank you?! Bitch, you drunk?!

Highway
Orlando, Florida

Overheard by: scaredspectator

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And This Money Isn't Even Green!

Middle-aged American tourist woman: The rooms here have strange plugs, I simply cannot use my curling iron! This is outrageous... I want to see the manager immediately!

Hotel Restaurant
Munich
Germany

Overheard by: Dru

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Looked Like He Might Be Manorexic

Teen girl on cell: I saw this guy with a man tramp stamp... A mamp stamp.

Green Line
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: sadie

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Really the Only Way to Be Safe in a Manhole

Construction worker yelling into manhole: As a matter of fact, I'm wearing a condom right now! Really! I put one on this morning.

10th and Pine
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Didn't want to know

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

2008: Microsoft Pilots MS Office Assistant, "Buzzy the Dildo"

Guy: You know when you do a "Find File" in Windows? Yeah. I want to kill the little animated dog... It bothers me.
Girl: Hahaha... Yeah. It's better than the paperclip.
Guy: Meh... Only because he doesn't pop up unexpectedly. Clippy was kind of cool if he weren't in the way.
Girl: Thats what he wants you to think! He makes you feel bad for hating him!
Guy: Why this makes me want to have an animated kitten running around my desktop, I don't know. I used to have such a program.
Girl: I had a stripper on my laptop. She danced and stripped whenever music came on.
Guy: You're such a closet nympho.
Girl: Yeah. For my dreams class, we have to write all our dreams down and share them with the class. Last night I dreamt I was trekking through a jungle in gold prada heels to find my doctor to get an HIV test. I'm not sure I want the class psychoanalyzing that one.

Portland, Maine

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

God: Suddenly I'm Getting All the Attention I Deserve

Professor, whispering: What is god doing with female breasts?

Oglethorpe University
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Caylin

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Guy: Come Back! I Can Change It!

Girl #1: I can understand the idea behind having an affair...
Girl #2: Yeah, it's the change of scenery.
Girl #3: The change of dick...

East Lansing, Michigan

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And If I Eat That I Get a Rash

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Patient: Yes, nuts!
Doctor: What happens when you ingest nuts?
Patient: They come out whole in my poop!

Waterloo, Iowa

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Disconcerting and Yet So Right

Middle-aged shopper: There's something so disconcerting about being poked in the tits by a kitchen fork.

Edmonton
Alberta
Canadia

Overheard by: disgruntled shopgirl

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

From the Three's Company Cutting-Room Floor

Female roommate, discussing broken toilet: It's funny how the tampon goes but not the poop.
Male roommate: I should have stayed in my room.

Montreal
Quebec
Canadia

Overheard by: should've stayed at the library...

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

As Soon As We Get On, I'm Grabbing a Pole and Ripping Them Off

Chick: Well, my mom wouldn't let me on the train until I wore pants, so there ya go.

Southmoor station
Aurora, Colorado

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Thought the Figure on the Door Was Sporting a Jaunty Kilt

Man in stall on the left: Bill, I think we're in the wrong bathroom.
Man in stall on the right: Yeah, I think I just figured that out.

Women's restroom at United Center
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: the girl in the stall between them

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Getting Sexiled Is Too Good for Her

Guy #1: She totally wanted to hook up with me, and kept dropping hints to get her roommate to leave.
Guy #2: Like what kind of hints?
Guy #1: Like "Yeah, I'm really tired, I just want to go to sleep." But her roommate would not leave the room.

Dorm Room
UCSB, California

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

But First, a Round Of Applause for My Lovely Assistant

Physics professor: First we'll put it in the A hole and then we'll put it in the other hole.

Allegheny College
Pennsylvania

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

They've Got Frequent-Flyer Miles Up the Ass

Loud teenage girl: Oh my god, condoms are flying everywhere!

Ridgewood, New Jersey

Overheard by: i don't see any condoms

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Conversion in Progress --Please Stand Back

Guy: My cousin got me this Jesus bracelet in like Cuba or something. It was only a dollar!
Jewish girl: Jesus shouldn't have a price!

Montclair State University
New Jersey

Overheard by: oh, jesus

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Toni Morrison Doesn't Let Anybody Touch the Books at Her Readings

Man walking down the street: All I did was stick my hand in her jacket and the show was over!

Madison and Canal
Chicago, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

You Can Feel Their Effects for Thousands of Years

Freshman: Are Arby's sandwiches any good?
Junior: Arby's sandwiches are Jesus Christ!

Gilbert High School
Gilbert, Arizona

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I Knew Those DJ Lessons Were a Poor Idea

White father: There's Burger King, Subway, Taco Bell.
Six-year-old son: [no response].
White father: There's sushi.
Six-year-old son: Aw shizzle!

Food Court, King of Prussia Mall
Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Carrie

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

...Has Been Selected As Our New State Motto

Art professor: Say goodbye to sex and violence and hello to boring allegories.

KSU
Manhattan, Kansas

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Of Course My Anal Probes Are Constantly Interrupted by Ads

Freak in furry pants and top hat, to fellow freak: You're the friendster of alien abduction services, and I'm the myspace: You did it first, but I did it better.

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: LeeKelly

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

If Rappers Had Existed in the 16th Century

Philosophy professor: A crisp cravat always gets me hot.

Wesleyan University
Bloomington, Illinois

Overheard by: ..Really?

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

If You Have to Tell Her, You're Doing It Wrong

Random guy: Man, you just gotta cowboy the fuck up and tell the dumb bitch you're doing her in the ass!

Moe's Southwest Grill
Norman, Oklahoma

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Oh, Niles Crane, We've Missed You So

Middle aged yuppie on cell: You know what we need? An emergency wine kit.

Outside the Coliseum
Oakland, California

Overheard by: Danial

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Suck His Toes and You'll Be High for Days

Large black woman on cell: Girl! I'm tellin' you, I don't know where I gots them warts on my feets. But they nasty! I don't want to give them to nobody else, so I brought me some lil' socks, you know... Them cushy foots? Not like Earl, who goes barefoot all over the city with them mushroom funguses on his toes. His toenails be like baby powder! They all crumbly and shit.

Detroit Metro Airport
Detroit, Michigan

Overheard by: Trying not to barf (and glad I wore socks)

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Um, Racoon Mario Is So Much More Useful

Girl playing video game: Some girls just want to get married. I just want fire.

Columbus, Ohio

Overheard by: Kelson

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Isn't That the Title of an Inspirational Children's Book?

Little boy to his mother: Why is everybody white and I'm brown?

Harvard Square
Cambridge, Massachusetts

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

And You'd Be Like, "I Got the Pus-sy!"

Lady professor: AU is so different, there are so many females here. When I was in college, my sophomore year it was a five to one ratio! Males to females! The men were hanging from the trees. You'd walk through campus, wary, and then you'd sit at the cafeteria table and look up from your breakfast and there would be five guys -just staring at you!

Justice Research Class, American University
Washington, D.C.

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Eventually We Worked Out a Timeshare Situation

Girl: So this girl was like: "I want half your pants!"

Hazelwood West High School
Florissant, Missouri

Overheard by: Melissa

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Kid Must've Been Horrible to Get Taken to a Fabric Store

Six-year-old kid: Will you come over to our place?
Mom's friend: No.
Six-year-old kid: Why not?
Mom's friend: Because you're annoying.
Mom: See? I told you!

Fabric Store
DeKalb, Illinois

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

I'd Love to See That Resume

Cashier: Ok, you can step directly over to the salad tosser.
Surprised guy ordering: Her title is "Salad tosser"?

Arby's Marketfresh
Atlanta, Georgia

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Since Barenaked Ladies Was Already Taken

Twenty-something dude: When I grow up, and learn how to play an instrument, I'm calling my band he-gina and she-nis.

McKenna's
Baltimore, Maryland

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

For the Last Time, Destiny, That's a Penis

Wannabe pickup artist: So, tell me your secrets.
Hot girl: I'm not sure...
Wannabe pickup artist: C'mon.
Hot girl: Okay, but you have to promise not to tell anyone.
Wannabe pickup artist: Fine.
Hot girl: I have a tail.

Albany Park
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Ivan Alfaro

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Crystal Meth Weddings Are Prone to Unpredictability

Woman: It was a disaster. The bride was doing back-bends in the parking lot.

Gym
Studio City, California

Overheard by: urzzz

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He's Been Disgruntled Ever Since Discovering I'm a Bottom.

Fat guy: Sorry I'm late. Mr. Sphincter isn't being very co-operative today.

Nova Cafe
Dunedin
New Zealand

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Must Be a Factory Nearby

Woman, after bring run by kid: Oh, a human male child just ran by me.

Arlington, Texas

Overheard by: Random Dude

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Someone's Been Reading People at the Dentist's Office

Mom: Did you hear that Harry Lee died?
20-something daughter: Yea, and Sylvester Stallone came to the funeral, I thought that was odd.
Previously uninterested dad: Interesting fact about Sylvester Stallone- he has a penial implant.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana

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She Still Has Traces of a Soul

Cute girl to other cute girls: Yeah, she needs a couple more months in LA until we can be friends with her...

Los Angeles, California

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Only When I'm Drunk

Chick #1: I miss my car.
Chick #2: I miss my car too. Not like, driving it or anything. But I miss my car. We've been through so much together --four accidents, hitting a mailbox, and a lot of repairs. But I'm not like, a bad driver or anything.

George Washington University
Washington, DC

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Trust Me --That's My Schtick

Overly optimistic girl: He's kinda sketchy, but in a nice way.
Passing stranger: Not possible!

Concordia University
Montreal
Canadia

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But He Just Unchained Me from the Stove, So I'm Trying Not to Press My Luck

Mitt Romney volunteer: So basically I asked my husband if we could please try not to have a baby this year.

Mackinac Island, Michigan

Overheard by: Glad I Chose Fred Thompson

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Are You Trying to Jumpstart the Cat Again?

Young woman on cell: Did you just say "The cables must be subjugated"? Uh huh... Okay... Yeah, I don't think you're okay to drive either.

Washington, DC

Overheard by: Nic

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It Concerns Me When You Talk About Yourself in the Third Person, Mrs. Smith

Old teacher, about middle school student: Johnny's fine until he has an audience. Then he gets all gang-bangy and tries to screw Mrs. Smith.
Young teacher: Please don't ever say that again.

Restaurant
Redlands, California

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And You're Hoochie-Skipper.

20-something in pink heels, on a Saturday afternoon: God, I'm like frickin walk of shame Barbie right now.

eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

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Dude, You're Preaching to the Choir

Student: She thinks she's so good. She was probably the only soprano in her high school, so she was automatically the best. Or maybe she went to a school for like, people with severe burns. She was the best in the burn victim ward.

Westminster Choir College
Princeton, New Jersey

Overheard by: Gaby Young

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One of the Perks of Dating Helen Keller

Smug TA: While I was with her I was doing crack. She had no idea.

Auraria Campus
Denver, Colorado

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I'd Like to Make a "Donation" to That Cause, If You Know What I Mean

Girl: So Natalie Portman is speaking tonight. I want to go.
Boy: What is it about?
Girl: Poverty, but who cares? It's Natalie Portman.
Boy: Yeah, fuck poverty, she's hot.

University
Berkeley, California

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Not Unless There's a Rocket in There

Teacher: Come, take a journey with me into *David's pockets.

MDN High School
Tempe, Arizona

Overheard by: Jamie

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And Can I Use Your Leg As a Scratching Post?

Patron #1: Keith is really sorry to have acted like that.
Bartender: Does he even realize how drunk he was?
Patron #1: I'm just saying, that is not the Keith we know
Patron #2: [starts laughing].
Bartender: Well, he is a nice guy, he just gets too drunk.
Patron #1: I'm just letting you know, that according to all the cats he knows, you are the meow [makes a pawing gesture].
Bartender: Okay, how drunk are you?
Patron #2: He doesn't even know who Keith is.
Patron #1: Where are we?

Bennigans
Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Chris

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Mrs. Claus's Given Name Was Derek

Little boy to big sister walking behind him: Do you believe in Santa?
Big sister: No! Keep walking.
[big sister shoves him].
Little brother: I heard Santa dislikes girls.

County Fair
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: jake

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Disco?

Student at table: Yeah, so, I finally found out what was dead in my basement.

School Caffeteria
Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Annie

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In L.A., Teenage Girls Who Don't Look Good Naked Are Put to Death

Teen girl #1, looking at hot teen guy's myspace page: He likes me.
Teen girl #2: No, he doesn't.
Teen girl #1: Yes, he does. He told me I'd look good naked.
Teen girl #2: Well, that's just a fact. It doesn't mean he likes you.

Los Angeles, California

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Scissors, Ipods, Horses, Pauses...

Dude #1: Hey man, wanna go get some things pregnant?
Dude #2: Um. What? What kind of things?
Dude #1: Just stuff. Whatever we find.

Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com

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At Least Take a Bite of This Apple

Boy: I believe in waiting until marriage.
Girl: That's funny, cause I believe in you fucking my brains out.

Bryn Mawr College
Pennsylvania

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But It Was a Planned Incarceration

Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can't believe we are not hanging out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you're supposed to be hanging out with me. We never hang out anymore and we are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were supposed to hang out this past Saturday and Sunday but we didn't! You were not fucking there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Muthafucker you were in jail!

Bus
Iowa State University, Iowa

Overheard by: Casey

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But Isn't an All-Male Choir Kinda Gay?

Weird Asian guy: You've never heard about the clitoral frequency?! It's a certain frequency that only men can hit, and if they hit it then all the women in the area will simultaneously orgasm.
Weird white guy: I've heard about the clitoral frequency! If you get an all-male choir to all sing as low as they can go, then they hit it.

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: deb

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I Had a Roommate Who Bleached the Bathroom Three Times a Week. True Story

Chick on cell phone: My roommate was rolling a lint roller all over her head for like ten minutes and finally I was like: "What the fuck are you doing? You're gonna pull all your hair out!" ... Haha yeah... She threatened to kill me if I asked her anymore questions... She probably watches me sleep.

UB Bus
Buffalo, New York

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Meet the Most Forgetful Woman in Dallas

Woman: I found the nipple! Crisis averted.

N. Bishop Avenue
Dallas, Texas

Overheard by: Faith

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A+

Male art student in response to female art student's sculpture: It's really kind of mortifyingly vaginal.

Allegheny College
Meadville Pennsylvania

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I'm Gonna Write Off This Ride As an Educational Expense

WASPy college student to cab driver: You're absolutely right, sir. A curse upon the Saudis.

eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

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Since My Lime Green Mumu Failed to Get Their Attention

Flea market lady: I don't see the big deal about sanitation these days.
Older flea market lady: I know. The other day at work I dropped a cookie on the floor, then picked it up and ate it. You know, just to see what people would do.

Flea Market
Burley Park, Michigan

Overheard by: Amanda

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You Have the Hairbrushes, Right?

Girl, wearing leather pants and high heels, pushing a cart containing D batteries, duct tape, and huge bag of rice, on cell: I don't know why he's so smug, I told him what I would do to him if I caught him again. [pause] Okay, well I've almost got everything I need, I'll be right over.

Wal-Mart
Lufkin, Texas

Overheard by: wtf?

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And That's Not Even Including the Millions of Unborn Babies

Girl to friend: I swear to god, if there is semen on my shirt, I will kill everyone.

College Park, Maryland

Overheard by: Tom and Laura

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But You're Probably at Least Drunk

Professor: You may not be the target audience. You may not be on drugs!

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

Overheard by: Nik

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Storytelling Is a Lost Art

Drunk bimbette: Oh my god! I used to like this ugly guy once... Then I realized he was ugly and stopped liking him.

Barbeque
Jundiaí
Brazil

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It's More Like a Museum of Strangers' Poo, Honey

Little girl, inside port-a-potty: Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy: Just be quiet and go potty.
Little girl: Mommy, do you know what it feels like in here? It's like a little house where I'll always be protected.

Renaissance Festival
Maryland

Overheard by: Nancy Whiskey

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Why Viagra Is So Popular

Woman: Wood is like money to old people.

Maryland Farms
Brentwood, Tennessee

Overheard by: FACT.

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I Mean Geraniums!

Woman #1: Where did you go to college?
Woman #2: University of Cape Town.
Woman #1: Oh, is that in Virginia?
Woman #2: No, it's actually in South Africa.
Woman #1: Ohhhh, sorry, I'm bad with geometry.
Woman #2: ...
Woman #1: I mean geology!

Ann Arbor, Michigan

Overheard by: Actually, that was my mom.

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As I Have Noticed Your Lack of Training Wheels

Drunk girl in bar to bartender: You should be so lucky as to have sex with me.
Bartender: I wouldn't fuck you for practice.

Richmond, Virginia

Overheard by: warm ups?

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Ironically, the Skirt Has a Silver Lining

Girl in uniform: So when I went to pick up my uniform there were no skirts. So my mom was like "My daughter needs bottoms."
Friend: That sucks!
Girl in uniform: Yeah, the skirt I'm wearing now belongs to this girl who was deported to Trinidad.

Toronto
Canadia

Overheard by: Myr

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If They've Been Naughty, Santa Brings Them Small Penises.

Female college student: Do boys still really have cooties at thirteen?
Male college student: Nope. That's when they get penises.

Tempe, Arizona

Overheard by: Meghan

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Almost Like She Thinks I'm a Smartass

Guy #1: I think I fucked up my chance with Jen.
Guy #2: Why? what did you do?
Guy #1: Well she's religious, and she sent me a text today that says, "I get real emotional on Good Friday." so I write back, 'I get real emotional on filet-o-fish Fridays.' She hasn't responded since.

Burbank, California

Overheard by: James Jameson

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Gay Men Can't Drink Coffee? That's Crazy.

Crazy homeless lady to well-dressed businessman: Look at you with the coffee, you faggot, you just love dick in your ass!

Starbucks
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: trying to avoid her wrath

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As My Plaques and Trophies Will Attest

Dude carrying Subway sandwich: My ass? No, I wouldn't expect a girl to be looking at my ass.
Chick carrying Subway sandwich: Oh yeah. Women will look at your ass. But they can't check out the other thing.
Dude: Well, under certain circumstances . . .
Chick: No, there's nothing equivalent. There's no cleavage shot.
Dude: A girl slapped my ass at the gym the other day.
Chick: Oh yeah. That's right. I have slapped lots of asses.

Howard and New Montgomery
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Cleavage Shots All Around!

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In That She's an American in a Brit's Body

Guy #1, after British tourists leave elevator: Stupid British bitches.
Guy #2: Wow, you hate Brits?
Guy #1: You know it.
Guy #2: But Maggie is British, and you like her.
Guy #1: Yeah, well, that's because Maggie is a tranny.

Hotel Whitcomb
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Adam

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Even We Winced at This One

Man #1: So she looks up at me with this, look, right? And she grips my dick real hard and then gets this terrified look as she picks it off on my pubes...
Man #2: Oh, dude, I'm gonna vomit.
Man #1: It was a fucking dingleberry. And it wasn't mine, dude.

Gym
Oregon

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From Containing All That Evil?

Girl #1: Do you think anyone's like... Actually a good person?
[long pause]
Girl #2: Ugh, my stomach really hurts today.

Drew University
Madison, New Jersey

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Why Nobody's All That Sold on the Idea Of Heaven

College guy: And then, there would be no more vagina!

Bethesda, Maryland

Overheard by: Laiah and Caitlin

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If You're Really Bad, I'll Make You Go in the Ball Pit

Angry father, to young daughter: Do you wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese?
Daughter: [scared silence]
Father: Then stop touching shit!

Wal-Mart
Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Molly BOOM

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The First Time in History a Bang from Behind Has Resulted in Pregnancy

Middle-aged guy: Yeah, I've been in a couple of accidents before. One time this lady rear-ended me out of nowhere.
Middle-aged woman: Did you sue her?
Middle-aged guy: Of course I did. How do you think we paid for in-vitro?

Newark Airtrain, New Jersey

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But Apparently That's Not How Job Interviews Work

Girl walking to bus stop drunk: I just wanted to walk in, get groped and leave.

Pheasant Run
Harrisonburg, Virginia

Overheard by: Brandon Call

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Hey, Loaf Quilting Is the Wave of the Future

Student, discussing a character's problems: It's like he's in between a needle and some bread.
Teacher: ... Do you mean a rock and a hard place?

English Class, Hazelwood West High School
Florissant, Missouri

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Portrait Of the U.S. Policy Advisor As a Young Man

Small boy running down aisle: Stupid democracy!

Canadia

Overheard by: MNM

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If You Have a Very Liberal Definition of "Okay"

Girl on cell phone: So I got a little finger action this week, but I said 'No' so it's okay.

Cleveland, Ohio

Overheard by: Justin

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Wait-- What Exactly Are You Using As a Volleyball?

Mom to three-year-old son under the table: Whatcha' doin' under there, buddy?
Three-year-old son: Playing volleyball.
Dad: Volleyball? Smells like you're pooping your pants.
Three-year-old son, giggling: I am.
Three-year-old son's sister to friend: See, I told you it wasn't the food.

Los Tres Amigos Mexican Restaurant
Michigan

Overheard by: Scott

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Using a Venus Razor Does Not Make You a Goddess, Ms. Pratt

English teacher: It's a big responsibility to be a goddess, it troubles me all the time.

A.C. Flora High School
Columbia, South Carolina

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Nala Would Be an Animal in Bed, Though

Drunk college guy: Is that Nala?
Drunk college chick: She is so pretty... Don't you think she's pretty?
Drunk college guy: I'm not really into cartoons...[after several seconds] I gotta say, though, Kim pretty hot.

Nashville, Tennessee

Overheard by: Megan

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I'm... Black?

Traffic cop: She said, "Do you like it?" and I was like, "Yeah, it looks really nice." And then she said, "Is it subtle?" and I was like "Jenny*, you're a black woman with orange and yellow hair!"

Plymouth, Michigan

Overheard by: Morgz

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Or A-Rod's Rod

Obnoxious 20-something chick: We went to a Yankees game and had the worst seats ever. We didn't even see Derek Jeter's ass! ... Or anyone's ass.

IHOP
Green Bay, Wisconsin

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Jacoby & Meyers?

Tween: I mean, who just calls to say, how are you, I hear you got punched in the face?
Mom: Totally...

San Diego, California

Overheard by: SaraSmile

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Does Your Violin Bow Double As a Crowbar?

Asian boy trying to open locked door: Man, how am I supposed to open this with my super Asian powers?!

Townview Magnet Center
Dallas, Texas

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...Full Of Heroin?

Middle-aged black woman to husband: Baby, you remember that time I shot you?

CVS
Indianapolis, Indiana

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I Wonder If the Hospital Would Give Me a Discount If I Produced in Bulk

Black woman, to friend: I love Costco. It makes me like, want to have five kids.

Costco
King of Prussia, Pennsylvania

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Ever Seen a Cooch Do Three Snaps in Z-Formation?

Girl: Ryan, if you had a vagina, what would she wear?
Boy: She? What if I had a male vagina?
Boy #2: Oh, he would be so sassy!

Melbourne, Florida

Overheard by: Livi

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I'm Turning Inside Out for Halloween

Girl: I think my ribs are double-jointed.

Columbia, Missouri

Overheard by: Kelsey

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Well, That Self-Actualization Seminar Was a Bust

Nine year-old girl: I want that shirt and you are going to get it for me. Any questions?
Mom: Many. Shut up and put the damn shirt back.

Target
Atlanta, Georgia

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And Shoes. Don't Forget Shoes

High school chick #1: Omygod, I totally love him.
High school chick #2: Omygod, me too.
High school chick #1: I mean, he is like easily the hottest guy at our school.
High school chick #2: Oh totally. Like he is soooo cute.
[pause].
High school chick #2: What does he look like again?
High school chick #1: Um, like, I think he wears jeans a lot.

Lambton Quay
Wellington
New Zealand

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And You Can Only Show the Video to a Limited Audience

Girl #1: At least he didn't say what JD said to me the other night. He said I was boring in the bedroom because I didn't try new things.
Girl #2: Oh my god!
Girl #1: Yeah and I told him, well how am I supposed to know what to do? I was a virgin before you. Well, not literally a virgin, but close enough!
Girl #2: So what are you going to do?
Girl #1: Well, I told him that when we go on vacation, we can have a threesome. But it has to be someone I'll never see again.

New Brunswick, New Jersey

Overheard by: Slutgers Girl

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Can You Even Use "Oxygen" As a Verb Like That?

Male flight attendant: ... And if you brought more than two children with you today, decide which your favorite is and oxygen that one first.

Southwest Airlines Flight #135

Alsome | Thumbs up | Thumbs down | Wtf?

Or Is That Necrophilia?

Social problems teacher: So what are some social problems that affect us today?
Female student: Murder?
Teacher: Yeah, that's good. [writes it on the white board.] Any others?
Male student: Narcissism?
Teacher: I don't quite understand...
Male student: Well if people are falling asleep all the time and they don't know it...

Grand Rapids Community College
Grand Rapids, Michigan

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But He's Our President, So We Have to Listen

Guy in restaurant to female companion: Of course, this is coming from a guy who eats potpourri...

Central Avenue
Cincinnati, Ohio

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