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February 2008 Archives
With a Scary Product
Girl: Why do they have an ambassador to Vatican City?
Guy: Because it's a country and stuff.
Girl: Do, like, normal people live there?
Guy: I don't know...
Girl, thoughtfully: It's a scary place...
Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com
Overheard by:
Categories: Default | Eavesdrop DC | Geography | Girls | Guys | Politics | Questions | Stupidity | Washington, DC | Posted 2008-02-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Distant, Constipated, and Lonely, That's the Life for You
Little old lady: Are you here to poop? That's what I just did. Everybody poops. It feels great! Such a relief!
Preschool girl: Yeah!
Girl's mom: Come on, honey... What have I told you about talking to crazy strangers?
Bathroom, Target
Novi, Michigan
'Cause Then She Took One of My Legs and Snapped It
Skinny girl: My roommate's nuts. We got into another fight.
Tall girl: Oh, God, what is it now? She's mad again 'cause you don't rinse every drop of toothpaste out of the sink, right?
Skinny girl: No, it's the mayonnaise! The fucking mayonnaise! She accused me of eating it! Just the plain mayo, not on a sandwich or anything. I looked at her and told her, 'Listen, bitch, I don't eat mayo. I'm anorexic.' She's accusing me of having no self control!
Tall girl: So, what happened then?
Skinny girl: I was drunk, so I threw the mayo out our front door and said, 'Ha! Now no one can eat it!' I don't think that helped the situation at all.
George Herman's
Charlotte, North Carolina
Categories: Default | Food | Girls | Gossip | Health & Hygiene | North Carolina | Skinny people | Violence | Posted 2008-02-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Take It Ourselves
Meth user: Am I too late to get my methadone?
Young pharmacist: Yes. After five p.m. we dump all the methadone down the drain.
Meth user, very nervous: Are you kidding?!
Young pharmacist, laughing: Yes, I am.
Fort Erie, Ontario
Canadia
Don't They Have, Like, a Three-Day Lifespan Anyway?
Mother: So, what did you learn at nursery today?
Excited four-year-old girl: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck-fuck!
Mother: Every time you say that, one of Santa's elves dies, you know.
London
England
Defeating You Will Be a Piece Of... Well, You Know.
Student whose dessert slid off the plate: Nice try, cheesecake. You've only postponed the inevitable.
Michigan State University
Michigan
Overheard by: MrCandey
... Motherfucker.
20-ish mom to man: So what? I mean, I'm miserable, and I still manage to be perky and upbeat...
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Default | Massachusetts | Moms | Posted 2008-02-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Though I'd Always Pictured You As More of a Titmouse
Suit on cell: Wait, while I've got you on the phone, what's your animal spirit name? ... Ah, 'White Wolf' -- of course. All right, see you then.
Coffee shop
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Baffled Bear
I'm Careful Not to Spend Too Much Time with Women
Asian guy: I hate going there. There's too many Asian people. I hate being around so many Asian people. It feels too foreign.
Asian friend, holding two Japanese language books: Yeah.
Edmonton, Alberta
Canadia
Overheard by: Kunoichi
The Inevitable Evolution of Zack and Screech's Relationship
College jock: Girls suck. I would so be your gay lover if it weren't for the whole butt-sex thing.
Scrawny friend: Me too, man.
Davis, California
Categories: California | Default | Gripes | Guys | Jocks | Sex | Sexuality | Yeahhh, college! | Posted 2008-02-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's My Poodle's Ass.
Disembodied male voice: That is not my ass!
Borders
Atlanta, Georgia
Overheard by: Caylin
Intimacy Is Gnarly, Bro
Professor: So, you see, the barns were directly beneath the houses, and the people and the animals had a very, very intimate relationship for many years. Very intimate.
Jock: Niiice [high fives jock friend].
University of Massachusetts
Amherst, Massachusetts
Overheard by: chroma the great
Categories: Animals | Colleges & Universities | Default | Massachusetts | Sex | Teachers | Posted 2008-02-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
To Fight Convention?
Tall goth girl to rotund, geeky friend: She's a fat black goth! Kinda like if you, me, and Bill Cosby joined forces.
Denver, Colorado
Categories: About celebrities | Colorado | Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Goths | Gripes | Race | Stupidity | Posted 2008-02-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Someone Who Can Afford Better Than Macy's
Little girl: Mom, those boots make you look like a hooker!
Mother: This conversation is over.
Little girl: Okay... What's a hooker?
Macy's, Marley Station Mall
Marley, Maryland
Overheard by: jd
This Is a Funeral, Sarah
Chick: Man, I hate vacations! I always end up over-packing, and then I never get laid!
Kingston
Jamaica
It Says Here the Mule Consented?
Cop: You know there's a warrant out for your arrest, right?
Guy with arm in cast: Oh, really?
Cop: Yeah... So we should probably have a chat about that.
Town Court
Duanesburg, New York
Overheard by: 91 in a 65
I Just Need It to Happen before He Finds Jesus
Chick on cell: Well, they had their flaws, but you know what I mean... I was thinking about Mike last night. Oh, how I would like to get back with him now that I'm kind of looking for a relationship and he's not on speed anymore...
Oklahoma
Categories: Chicks | Compliments | Default | Drugs | Oklahoma | On the phone | Relationships | Wishes | Posted 2008-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And You Wouldn't Believe Some of the Shit I Saw in the Womb
30-ish black woman, emphatically to self: Damn! Life ain't nothin' like I ever seen before.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Black people | Default | Gripes | Pennsylvania | Philosophy | Women | Posted 2008-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Did You Just Whinny?
Redhead: If I were a horse, I would totally do this one [points to horse in magazine].
Blonde: If you were a horse, you would do them all.
Redhead: Yeah! There's the Quarter Horse, the Mustang, the Appaloosa, and the Arabian. Ohhh, the Arabian! [Shivers.]
Raleigh, North Carolina
Have the Last Name "Spears"
Four-year-old kid, pickig up magazine: Hey, Dad, it's Britney Spears!
Dad: No, that's Jamie Lynn, her sister.
Four-year-old kid: Ohhh, the pregnant one.
Dad: Yep.
Four-year-old kid: But she's not even an adult!
Dad: You don't have to be an adult to get pregnant.
Four-year-old kid: So then how do you get pregnant?! [Dad puts magazine back.]
Omaha, Nebraska
Overheard by: Cortny
Categories: About celebrities | Dads | Default | Family ties | Kids | Nebraska | Pregnancy | Questions | Posted 2008-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, Fuck It -- His Body Was the Only Good Thing about Him
Girl on phone: I mean, his body was the best thing about him... Wait, that's mean. I meant, physically his body was the best thing about him.
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Compliments | Default | Girls | On the phone | Sex | Posted 2008-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just Start Fires
Three-year-old girl: Can I open this?
Dad: No. There are two hundred and fifty matches in there, and they're going to fall all over the place.
Three-year-old girl: But I promise I won't eat them.
Harvest Co-Op
Cambridge, Massachusetts
And Megatron Is Totally My Ex-Girlfriend!
Transformers-loving college student: I mean, there's just so much symbolism in that movie -- take the fact that Optimus Prime transforms into a truck. He's, like, Everyman!
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: I never thought of it that way
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Education | Guys | Movies | Students | Washington | Posted 2008-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
All You Ladies Need to Do Is Dab Some Beer behind Your Ears and You're Set
Psychology professor: What will your Prada bag get you? It doesn't get you sex. All the men aren't going to be like, 'Oooh, Prada bag!'
Northwestern University
Evanston, Illinois
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Fashion | Illinois | Philosophy | Questions | Sex | Teachers | Posted 2008-02-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
... And I Love It!
Exasperated youth, holding water bottle: There's dinosaur piss in everything!
Tallahassee, Florida
Has He Given You a Satisfactory Answer to That Question?
Thugette, into phone: How it gon' be warm one day, rain the next, and freezin' the next?
Asian guy: It's called a cold front. Take a science class.
Thugette: I don't need no science, nigga! I got God!
Millersville University
Millersville, Pennsylvania
That Way There Are Always People around to Help Me with the Big Words
Drunk guy: Well, I'm, like, more of a social reader, you know?
Columbus, Ohio
That's What It Means to Be a Middle-Class American
Professor: It's like when you walk into a bathroom with a corpse in the tub and go, 'Wow, just look at that tile pattern!'
The Evergreen State College
Olympia, Washington
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Default | Teachers | Washington | Posted 2008-02-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Marriage Happens by Default in the Pacific Northwest
Girl on phone: So, we had this bet that if the Patriots won, we were going to break up, so we were both hoping for that. But that didn't happen, so now we're just kind of stuck together.
Seattle, Washington
Categories: Default | Girls | Gossip | Gripes | On the phone | Relationships | Washington | Posted 2008-02-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Next on Mythbusters
Guy: So, I tore my ACL.
Over-enthusiastic friend: Tell 'em how you did it!
Guy: Masturbating!
University of Arizona
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Victoria
Categories: Arizona | Body parts | Default | Friends | Guys | Health & Hygiene | Masturbation | Posted 2008-02-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Latency Period, My Ass!
Four-year-old boy: So, girls have 'ginas, and boys have penises?
Mom: Um, yes, hon.
Four-year-old boy: You have a 'gina?
Mom: Yes, honey. Shhh.
Four-year-old boy: Girls at school have 'ginas? Teachers have 'ginas?
Mom: Yes, honey. Now shush.
Four-year-old boy, contemplating: I always wanted to see one of those.
Phoenix, Arizona
Whoever Threw It Knew What He Was Doing
Girl to friend: That's the last time I catch a falling baby.
Farmington Valley, Connecticut
Categories: Connecticut | Default | Girls | Gripes | Kids | Posted 2008-02-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Fair Enough, Mr. President
Man to friends: Dude, I believe in Jesus the same way I believe in Batman -- the awesome way!
Park Tavern
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: lauren
I Am So Sick of Blowing Middle-Aged Poindexters
Sorority girl, crying: I've been working so hard, and I don't feel like I'm being rewarded for it.
Professor: What? What do you mean?
Sorority girl, still crying: I mean, if I work so hard, I'll just die if I don't get an A.
Professor, irritated: Well, it's only four weeks into the semester. Why are you worried about your grade now? I don't guarantee any grades! [Professor leaves.]
Sorority girl, to friend: Damn. I should have saved the tears until at least midterm. Now I'll actually have to do the work. Damn.
University of Nevada, Las Vegas
Nevada
If You Don't Believe It, Google "Self-Suck"
Guy: ... So I was like, 'Dude, just this time, you're not allowed to suck your own dick,' and he says,'Dude, I totally won't.' So I say to him, 'Man, you're doing it right now.'
University of British Columbia
Vancouver, British Columbia
Canadia
Don't Even Bother to Answer Me
Mother: Why do people like you?
Teen daughter: What?!
Mother: I mean, why do people like to talk to you and be your friend? I just don't get it.
Fairfax, California
Categories: California | Default | Family ties | Girls | Insults | Jerks | Moms | Questions | Relationships | Teens | Posted 2008-02-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Meet the Last Kid in the U.S. Who Says "Making Love"
Kid in cafeteria: Yeah, that was the night we watched Shrek and made love for the first time.
East Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: Cammie
My Standards Are Low, but I Adhere to Them
Female customer: I would never do anything with someone other than my boyfriend.
Male customer: You cheated on your husband!
Female customer: I wasn't in love with my husband.
Visible Voice Books
Cleveland, Ohio
Bungee Boobs Are a Serious Problem in New Jersey
Teacher: It should be written in the dress code, 'Girls with bouncy boobs need to cover them up.' Seriously! These girls are one bounce away from getting tips!
Jackson Memorial High School
New Jersey
Overheard by: Diana
Categories: Advice | Default | Education | Gripes | New Jersey | Rack | School [Elem., Middle, & High] | Teachers | Posted 2008-02-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But We Should Probably Spread That Rumor Just in Case
Skinny white guy: Yep.
Goth girl: No way.
Skinny white guy: Yep.
Goth girl: No way. Too royal.
Skinny white guy: I'm serious.
Goth girl: No way. Princess Di was way too perfect to be giving someone head while they're driving.
Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Nick K.
Categories: About celebrities | Australia | BJs | Default | Girls | Gossip | Goths | Guys | Skinny people | Posted 2008-02-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Perils of Being Taught by a Large Blue Muppet
Student, to professor: I was doing this piece where I--
Professor, interrupting: --Cookies?
Ithaca, New York
Overheard by: Laura
She's Bringin' "Rakish" Back
Chick: I'd worship Jesus if he had a rakish and amusing hat.
High school classroom
Englewood, Colorado
Based Upon My Limited Series of Experiments
Father: My kid broke his face today. He tried to do a back flip and kneed himself in the eye.
Friend: It's fine. Kids are like lizards -- they grow stuff back.
Liberty Mutual
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Dads | Default | Friends | Health & Hygiene | Idiots | Kids | Massachusetts | Posted 2008-02-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Living in Illinois Can't Help Matters
Woman #1: Oh my god, they are closed, too!
Woman #2: What the hell?!
Woman #1: We are in a sushi crisis!
Woodfield Mall
Schaumburg, Illinois
Frankly, I Feel the Ethics Committee Should Show Him No Mercy
Professor: I found the same paper that you turned in as your term paper on the Internet, word for word. That's plagiarizing!
Student: All right, I'll tell you the truth -- I didn't have time to write the term paper, so I paid somebody else to do it for me. But honest, I didn't know he'd plagiarize it!
College
New York
Overheard by: DizzyLizzy
We Can Bond by Watching the Footage Together Later
Mom: A 21-year-old girl from Oshkosh died today, but they aren't saying how.
College daughter: A house blew up this morning... Well, a mobile home, actually.
Mom: And it killed that 21-year-old girl?!
College daughter: Well, no. They're unrelated. Actually, I'm just trying to upstage you... But a house really did blow up.
Appleton, Wisconsin
Categories: Compare and contrast | Death & dying | Default | Girls | Moms | Violence | Wisconsin | Posted 2008-02-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
For Extra Credit, You Can Peek Under My Eyepatch
Professor: So, the point of this lecture is never, ever buy a squirrel monkey. They will plot your demise and gouge your eyes out in your sleep.
DePaul University
Chicago, Illinois
Categories: Advice | Animals | Body parts | Colleges & Universities | Death & dying | Default | Illinois | Teachers | Posted 2008-02-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Like How Some People Only Smoke When They Drink
Gentleman: See, this is the thing -- I have a couple of drinks, and then I think, 'Hmmm... Spiro's cock up my arse...'
Shout-out: community.livejournal.com
Categories: Australia | Backdoor | Default | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Overheard in Melbourne's Journal | Posted 2008-02-24 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That Is Correct.
Teacher: Did you hear Germany got a new polar bear?
German exchange student: Shiza!
Guy: What's wrong with polar bears?
German exchange student: Ugh... You have no idea.
Grady High School
Atlanta, Georgia
I'd Recommend against Frying Bacon, Though
Chick on cell: You can do that naked?!
Dude: Honey, you can do a lot of things naked.
Blockbuster Video
Melbourne, Florida
Overheard by: Revulsion of People
Save That Kind of Behavior for Old Navy
Queer #1: He punched him in the face right in the middle of Banana Republic.
Queer #2: That is so damn rude.
University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Gossip | Gripes | North Carolina | Queers | Violence | Posted 2008-02-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Further Evidence That Frat Boys Are Born, Not Made
Two-year-old: Mommy, Mommy, Mommy...
Mother, trying to talk to her friend: What?!
Two-year-old, thrusting pizza at her: Blow me!
Mom's friend: Well, that's one for the baby book.
Pizza Hut
Maryland
A Voyage Down the Birth Canal Doesn't Help, Either
Chick: Oh my god, look at this baby! It is so ugly! I didn't think babies were allowed to be ugly!
University of Denver
Denver, Colorado
Black on Black Crime's Hidden Nuances
Fat black woman on cell: Black women are better than white women, because you can beat the shit out of them and the bruises won't be visible!
BART train
Berkeley, California
Overheard by: Gilatron
Categories: Black people | California | Compare and contrast | Default | Fat people | Race | Violence | Women | Posted 2008-02-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Need to Know More about What You Tried
Queer #1: Ugh. All I know is that pussy smells like ass. I tried once in high school, and I was all, 'Oooh, that smells like ass!' and so I tried one more time, and it still smelled like ass.
Queer #2: Well, we know one thing for sure -- your ass must smell like pussy.
Cleo's, Chicago Avenue
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: EEE
Categories: Ass | Compare and contrast | Default | Illinois | Queers | Sensory experiences | Vagina | Posted 2008-02-23 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Jesus: How the Fuck Did That Rumor Get Started?
Girl #1: So, what's your idea of the perfect guy?
Girl #2: Oh, I know what she'll say! Jesus.
Girl #3, blushing: She's right.
Girl #1, rolling eyes: Ugh! But you can't go down on Jesus... can you?
Franklin, North Carolina
Overheard by: J-Bake-Oh
Does a Shih Tzu Really Count?
Chick, breaking long silence: Look! An Asian!
Everyone on bus, in unison: Yay!
High school bus
Englewood, Colorado
Clearly You've Never Had Velveeta Mac N' Cheese
Professor: So, do you guys think fornication is man's greatest pleasure?
First year Humanities class: [Embarrassed silence.]
Brave student: Um... I don't know about greatest... I mean, I like to eat.
Professor, slamming hands down on desk: I've been eating for 62 years, and I've never gotten an orgasm from it!
Richmond, Indiana
This Has Nothing to Do with Particle Physics, but I Thought I'd Share
Professor: Have any of you been hurt by love? [Class is silent, and professor cackles maniacally] Hahaha, ohhh, it's coming.
Rutgers University
New Jersey
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | New Jersey | Questions | Teachers | Posted 2008-02-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Plumber Says You Can Have It If You Want It
Girl on phone: Hey, honey, good news -- I can get you your hair back.
Fortitude Valley
Brisbane
Australia
Categories: Australia | Default | Girls | Hair | On the phone | Posted 2008-02-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
... Hanging between His Knees
Sorostitute #1: Oooh, a Southern boy!
Sorostitute #2: Yeah, it's just something about that Southern genitalia that makes him so sexy. Wait, 'genitalia'? Is that the right word? Well, you know -- that smooth Southern thing.
James Madison University
Harrisonburg, Virginia
Categories: Compliments | Creepsters | Default | US Geography | Virginia | Words | Posted 2008-02-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They Know the Drill
Teen girl, standing up: Get up! I gotta go to the bathroom.
Snotty friend: Fuck you! Carol told you to go before the movie started.
Teen girl: I'm gonna shit my pants at the count of three and then sit right down!
Other teen girls in row, standing in unison: Go! Go! Go! Go!
Movie theater
Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Big Larry
Possibly because I Spend Every Night Discussing Pee Stamina with You
Guy #1: It doesn't matter if you can pee longer than I can, because I can still drink more than you, so I win overall.
Guy #2: No, peeing longer means I can have sex longer than you.
Guy #1: ... Dude, you're a virgin.
Restroom, Boston University
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: What the...
Categories: Comebacks | Compare and contrast | Default | Drinking & drunks | Guys | Massachusetts | Virginity | Posted 2008-02-22 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She Hates the Way She Looks on Camera
College girl: I may have made the best porn movie ever, but I'm not going to show it to my mom.
Lincoln Park, Illinois
Life Was Better When Knowledge Was the Province Of Those Who Could Lie About It
Biology professor: Hey, didn't they discover that process in corals?
Grad student: No, they discovered that in plants.
Biology professor: That's what I just said!
Grad student: But coral is not a plant.
Biology professor: What? Yes, it is!
Grad student: No, it's not, it's an animal!
Biology professor: Since when?
Grad student: Since always -- go look it up!
Biology professor, after disappearing for five minutes: Fucking Wikipedia...
3400 North Charles Street
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: How'd you get this job, anyway?
Portrait of a Man Who's Had a Close Call
Man to date: You know what, I like you so much I'd get HIV tested for you.
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Kara
Categories: Compliments | Default | Guys | Illinois | STDs | Posted 2008-02-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But You've Also Said That about Mailmen, the FBI, Shepherds, and Priests
Woman to crying toddler: Now, stop it, or that policeman over there will come and take you away!
Man: That's right.
Woman: That's what policemen do. They take little boys away.
Man: That's right.
Outside the John Hancock Center
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: passerby-ing
Dude, That's How Every Father Feels
20-ish guy: If I have a little girl, I want her to either have the highest moral standards or be ugly as shit.
McCool Hall, Mississippi State University
Mississippi
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Family ties | Guys | Mississippi | Students | Wishes | Posted 2008-02-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Card: I Fear You've Been a Careless Quiff/ Valentine, You've Got the Syph!
Excited blonde: Guess what I'm getting myself for a Valentine's Day present? I'm getting tested for STDs!
Michigan State University
East Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: not surprised
Categories: Colleges & Universities | Default | Health & Hygiene | Holidays | Idiots | Michigan | STDs | Students | Posted 2008-02-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Old School!
Girl #1: So, did you MapQuest it?
Girl #2: No, we gas-stationed it!
Tyler, Texas
Overheard by: emi
Translation: I'm About to Start Crying
Jock #1: Dude, that bitch broke my heart.
Jock #2, eating a burrito: I know, man. You were always so unhappy, and I wanted to, like, slap you around and make you happy.
Jock #1, singing softly and staring blankly at the ground: I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...
Jock #2: Look, man, we boys, aight? But when you start singing cheesy-ass love songs to a chick that cheated on you, gave you an STD, and shit on top of your car because she's crazier than a fucking monkey on crack with a banana up its ass, something's wrong with you, and maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore.
University of Washington
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Sam
Categories: Advice | Default | Jocks | Relationships | Washington | Posted 2008-02-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Turns Out There Is Always Room
Tiny Pakistani girl: I did not hook up with him. I just put Jell-O in him. Big difference.
Fredericksburg, Virginia
Categories: Compare and contrast | Default | Girls | Relationships | Virginia | Posted 2008-02-21 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Kindly Explain Further.
Girl: My aunt's a kindergarten teacher, so she knows a lot of non-fags.
Wellesley College
Wellesley, Massachusetts
Categories: Default | Family ties | Girls | Massachusetts | Sexuality | Students | Posted 2008-02-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Every Catholic Wedding, Encapsulated
Drunk girl: I'm filled with the Holy Spirit... and booze!
Michigan State University
East Lansing, Michigan
Categories: Christianity | Colleges & Universities | Default | Drinking & drunks | Drunks | Girls | Michigan | Students | Posted 2008-02-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Challenge You to Come Up with a Better Description
Brunette hipster: Who's Mario Batali?
Blonde hipster: You know, that red-haired chef that looks like he'd smell like ass.
Brunette hipster: Oh, okay. Yeah. Totally.
Toi
Los Angeles, California
Categories: About celebrities | California | Default | Girls | Gripes | Hipsters | Questions | Posted 2008-02-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Didn't Know They Made Thongs That Big
Male student: So, how's your new roommate?
Female student: Well, she has one hundred thirty-three thongs.
Male student: She sounds like a horrible person.
Maryland Institute College of Art
Baltimore, Maryland
But Yes.
Teen boy #1: You had sex? Really?
Teen boy #2: Hell yeah, I did.
Teen boy #1: Was it like West Virginia?
Teen boy #2: Huh?
Teen boy #1: You know, 'Wild and Wonderful'!
Teen boy #2: ... Dude, that's gay.
Frederick, Maryland
They've Exorcised Me
Kid: I am the Antichrist.
Teacher: Your parents must be proud.
Kid: No! They're pissed!
Brimmer and May School
Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts
Categories: Bragging | Gossip | Massachusetts | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-02-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
If He Starts Doing Lipo, That's Marriage Material
30-ish blonde #1: So, what do you think of my date?
30-ish blonde #2: He seems nice... Plus, he's a plastic surgeon!
30-ish blonde #1: Hmmm... I don't really like him. Plus, he only does same day procedures. I'm only dating him for the free Botox.
30-ish blonde #2: I totally understand. I would only date him for free Botox, too.
Ladies' room, The Wilshire
Santa Monica, California
Categories: Beauty | Bimbettes | California | Jobs & Careers | Posted 2008-02-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Well, See That It Doesn't Happen Again
Professor: So, were you in this class before?
Man: Yeah -- I dropped halfway through.
Professor: That's right! You were the flake!
Man: I had open-heart surgery!
Las Positas College
Livermore, California
Categories: California | Maladies | Students | Teachers | Posted 2008-02-20 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Eagerly Await the Arrival of Your Point
Club guy: You asked him if he has ever seen Dances with Wolves?
Club girl: Well, yeah. He's Native American!
Club guy: That's like asking a Jewish person if they have ever seen Fiddler on the Roof!
Ohio State University, High Street
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: Tuition Wasted
I'm Sick of Looking for a Place to Keep My Purse When I Go Out
Girl #1: I fucked in the ass last night for the first time.
Girl #2: Did it hurt?
Girl #1: Nope! But this morning when I shit it did! I think my hole got bigger!
Girl #2: That is sick!
Girl #1: You're just jealous!
Girl #2: Maybe a little.
Augusta, Georgia
How You Know You Watch Too Much Porn
Acting professor: Give me an action that would be the motivation for a police officer to ask somebody for their license and registration.
Student: ... He wants her number?
Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Connecticut | Education | Teachers | Posted 2008-02-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
They Had a Contest
Professor: The Kaiser was not the worst leader Germany had in the twentieth century.
East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina
Categories: History | North Carolina | Teachers | Posted 2008-02-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
That's What They're For, Kiddo
Little boy: I can feel it in my nuggets!
Wendy's
Florida
Like on My Website
Asian chick: Oh my god, this huge, fat-ass raindrop just fell on my head.
Friend: You're a huge, fat-ass raindrop! You're such a fat-ass raindrop, you make people over-hydrated!
Asian chick, shocked: There's no such thing as over-hydrated! You just pee a lot!
Muirlands Middle School
La Jolla, California
Categories: Asians | California | Pee | Stupidity | Posted 2008-02-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Ha-Ha, Made You Panic!
Professor: Now, in life there are rules. The school has rules, this class has rules... But some rules are meant to be broken. One of this school's rules is that teachers are not supposed to show their undergarments to their students...
Hartford, Connecticut
Overheard by: Claire
Categories: Connecticut | Education | Teachers | Posted 2008-02-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Little One Does the Thinking
Little boy looking at zebra with erection: Mommy, five legs?
Mom: Yes, honey, five legs.
San Diego Zoo
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Kim and Amy
Categories: Animals | Body parts | California | Kids | Moms | Posted 2008-02-19 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
My Ex Tried to Talk Me into Castration
Guy #1: Oh, shit, I almost sat on my nuts! That shit would've fucking hurt!
Guy #2: I hate when that happens.
Guy #1: Yeah.
12312 West Olympic Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Categories: Balls | California | Guys | Posted 2008-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Hard to Tell Who's Retarded and Who's Just Texan
Chick #1: Sarah took her retarded sister-in-law to the game last night. They ended up getting drunk and going to a strip club. She really is retarded.
Chick #2: Like, literally retarded?
Chick #1: Yeah.
Chick #2: Well, that sounds like an interesting night...
Houston, Texas
Overheard by: Wish I could've been there
I'm Still Not Sharing with You.
Girl: Don't worry, I won't be lonely tonight. I've got a date with a gravity bong.
Stoner guy: ... That's, like, the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
Sacramento, California
Overheard by: MeganMama
Categories: California | Drugs | Girls | Stoners | Posted 2008-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Then What's with the People in Canoes?
Passenger: What lake is that we're flying over?
Flight attendant: That would be a cloud.
Flight from St. George, Utah, to Los Angeles, California
Categories: Airports & flights | Flight attendants | Questions | Posted 2008-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So, Why'd God Break Your Hip, Myrtle?
Old lady #1: ... And now he's crippled!
Old lady #2: Well, of course he is. That's what God does to people who get divorced.
Old lady #1: That's true.
Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Voudou
Categories: God | Maladies | Old folks | Relationships | Wisconsin | Posted 2008-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But No One Who Speaks German Could Be a Mean Guy!
American guy: Could you stamp my passport, please? It's a hobby of mine.
Passport checker to coworker, in German: These damn Americans always want something. Look, they've all got booze and bags and t-shirts. Now they want stamps.
American girl: Sir, I'd like mine stamped, too.
Passport checker, in German: I bet that girl was here to fuck guys. American girls become sluts in Europe.
American girl: Sir, that's not very nice!
Passport checker, still in German: I hate it when they know German. Then we can't talk about them!
Airport
Cologne
Germany
Categories: Assholes | Germany | Insults | Language barrier | Tourists | Posted 2008-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Figures a Robot Would Be Teaching Sex Ed
Professor, hitting mic and causing feedback: Oops, sorry. [Whispering to self] It's my android nature.
Human Sexuality class, UCSC
Santa Cruz, California
Categories: California | Teachers | Technology | Posted 2008-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So Hold Still, Sir.
Drunk girl: I'm lubed up from my fingertips to my elbow!
99 Restaurant bar
Salem, Massachusetts
Overheard by: sam-a-lamb
Categories: Body parts | Drunks | Massachusetts | Posted 2008-02-18 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Wait! Those Were Unrelated Staaatements!
Drunk guy: Fuck you guys! I am not gay! I love my siiister!
Penn State University
Pennsylvania
Overheard by: truth serum...
Categories: Drunks | Family ties | Pennsylvania | Posted 2008-02-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Want Those in Watermelon, Too?
16-year-old female lifeguard: Hey, I'm running to 7-Eleven to get a Slurpee... Anyone want anything?
14-year-old male lifeguard: Yeah, can I get some watermelon Bubble Yum and... [lowers voice and looks around suspiciously] ... some condoms?
16-year-old female lifeguard: Um...
Vienna, Virginia
The Planner Inadvertantly Ordered from "Babes 'R' Us"
Girl: Wait, they had strippers at the baby shower?!
University of South Florida
Tampa, Florida
And Everything They Say Is Grounded in Reality
Ugly girl #1: What happened to you? You used to be so photogenic!
Ugly girl #2: I am photogenic! Even the born-again Christian who came to my house said so!
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: blue block
Let's Keep Doing Shots Until It Does
Drunk girl: Oh my god, how can you be wearing a t-shirt right now? It's so cold outside!
Bouncer: I love the cold. In fact, I have the air conditioning on in my apartment right now.
Drunk girl: Wow, so, what are you? Like, from Florida or something?
Bouncer: No... That doesn't make any sense.
Washington Street
Brighton, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Patron
Categories: Drunks | Massachusetts | Stupidity | Posted 2008-02-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How Child Psychologists Stay in Business
Kid wailing during first sex scene in Brokeback Mountain: I don't want to watch this movie anymooore!
Illinois
Overheard by: martha
She Didn't Die, but She Did Laugh Until She Wet Herself
Four-year-old boy to girl his age: Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom! I take it out of my pants and then you die!
Christchurch Airport
Christchurch, New Zealand
Overheard by: Sarah
Categories: New Zealand | Should have used a condom | Threats | Posted 2008-02-17 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Now, Who Wants More Monkey on a Stick?
Vegetarian girl: I think you guys should stop eating meat.
Friend: I don't eat meat that much, but every now and then I gotta have a steak.
Vegetarian girl: Ewww, gross!
Friend: I mean, they're not a necessity or anything, but if I had to choose between eating a steak and saving a puppy, I'd eat the steak.
San Antonio, Texas
Overheard by: poor dog
Now If Only Someone Would Pick Up My Screenplay for Baroque Back Mountain
Queer: They're putting out a film about Mary, Queen of Scots. This is, like, the best year ever. I just saw a documentary about the Tudors. I am so excited.
University Co-Op Outlet
Austin, Texas
Overheard by: Merey
Her Hit Record is Called "I'm a Mink Carcass-Schlepping Slave 4 U"
Crazy lady wearing only a bra: Well, my daddy says we should take my show on the road. I'm a singer, you know. I'm famous in Eastern Europe.
Dumbfounded drunk girls: Uh-huh... Totally.
Las Vegas, Nevada
Overheard by: Kari Nott
Categories: Bragging | Crazies | Jobs & Careers | Lies | Nevada | Posted 2008-02-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
This Is Mathilda's Follow-Up Question to Everything
Young girl: Where is your husband?
Old woman: Oh, honey, my husband is up in heaven.
Young girl: I'm sorry... Did he get eaten by a crocodile?
Flight to Bermuda
Overheard by: elizabeth
Categories: Airports & flights | Animals | Kids | Old folks | Questions | Posted 2008-02-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Sometimes I Add Light Slapping.
Man: Hey, asshole, get off the cellphone.
Dude: Excuse me...?
Man: The street car is a public space. Get off the cellphone or get off the street car!
Dude: No.
Man: Yes! I don't want to have to hear you yapping away--
Dude: --Why don't you get off, then, buddy?
Man: This is a public space! Stop polluting the space with your hot air!
Dude: No.
Man: Yes.
Dude: No! [Into cell] Oh, nothing, Bruce. Just some loser on the street car...
Man: Hey!
Dude: Yeah?
Man: You're fat and ugly, you know that?
Dude, leaving: Screw you!
Man, to entire street car: I do this every Sunday...
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: damn hiatus
Categories: Assholes | Canadia | Cell phones | Gripes | Strangers | Posted 2008-02-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
She's Been Full of Herself Ever Since Daddy Warbucks Adopted Her
Girl: ... And she put all of these articles about how awesome redheads are and how rare they are all over the door and stuck Post-it notes on them saying things like, 'I am a genetic rebel!'
Illinois
Overheard by: Claire
How Prince Charming Ended Up with a Glass Slipper Up His Ass
Ghetto chick: It's 10 minutes to midnight -- I'm 'bout to turn into a bitch.
Magic Stick
Detroit, Michigan
Overheard by: Swells
Categories: Black people | Michigan | Threats | Posted 2008-02-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Some Churches Have Ejector Pews
Little girl to priest: Why is it called 'Good Friday' if that's when they killed Jesus?
Homestead, Florida
Just Made My Last Payment
Hippie chick: I am the proud owner of an American vagina, thank you very much.
Western Washington University
Bellingham, Washington
Overheard by: Rachel
Categories: Hippies | Vagina | Washington | Posted 2008-02-16 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Optimum Condition for Religious Instruction
Guy #1: Dude, you look tired today.
Guy #2: Nope, just stoned.
Guy #1: Oh, true.
Religion class, All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: freshman whisperer
This Is Just Like the Time You Confused Earl Grey and Chamomile
Football player to another: Fuck you, dude. These are spirit fingers, and these are jazz hands!
University of Colorado
Denver, Colorado
I Thought David Spade Seemed Nice
Dude to friends: He was a fiend, I tell you! He's a fiend in woman's form.
University of Liverpool
United Kingdom
Did It Bring the Boys to the Yard?
Girl #1: So, do you know what she told me? Her mother walked in and she was you-know-what-ing... with the milkshake maker!
Girl #2: Huh?
Girl #1: She was -- y'know -- using it down there!
Girl #2: What?!
Girl #1: Gross, I know.
Girl #2: ... Did she make a milkshake with it afterwards?
Newtown, NSW
Australia
Overheard by: buzzcut
Categories: Australia | Girls | Gossip | Masturbation | Posted 2008-02-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Sorry, Miss, but His Holiness Can't Take Your Call
Excited girl on cell: So, I'm sorry to wake you, but do you still wear those crazy socks? Or do you only wear white ones?
K-Mart
North Carolina
Categories: Clothing | North Carolina | On the phone | Questions | Posted 2008-02-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Always Sniffing My Delicate Petals
Science professor: So, the flower has this thing in it that looks exactly like a female wasp, and it smells like a female wasp. So, the male wasp comes up and tries to mate with it -- tries to copulate with it... I had a roommate like that once.
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York
Overheard by: Russ
The Best Pennsylvania Has to Offer
Thugette #1: Girl, you slept wif him?!
Thugette #2: I know -- he ugly and got crabs, but I made him buy me drugs first.
Thugette #1: True dat.
Campus shuttle, Millersville University
Millersville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Steveo
Categories: Black people | Chicks | Drugs | Health & Hygiene | Pennsylvania | Posted 2008-02-15 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Absolute Powerpoint Corrupts Absolutely
Professor flipping rapidly between Powerpoint slides: Take notes now, suckers!
Williamsburg, Virginia
Overheard by: a fan of this professor
The Only Thing Less Appetizing Than the Staff Is the Hamburgers
Guy: The only thing greasier than Johnny Rockets' hamburgers is the staff.
South Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Herbie McHebrew
Categories: Food | Gripes | Guys | Pennsylvania | Posted 2008-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Went for the Preschool Pu-Pu Platter
Professor: Did those cops find you the other day? They were waiting outside the classroom.
Student: I know. You're not kidding.
Professor: No, I'm not.
Student: Yeah, I kidnapped the kids over Christmas.
Professor: Good for you.
Arkansas State University
Arkansas
What Does It Sound Like?
Little girl: If you take my Timon and Pumbaa straw, I will kill you.
Mother: Is that a threat?
Denver, Colorado
Categories: Colorado | Moms | Should have used a condom | Threats | Posted 2008-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How You Know You've Raised a Roman
Mother: See that stone sculpture? The lion is attacking the poor man underneath it. The man may get eaten up by the lion!
Eight-year-old daughter: Go, lion!
Mother: No, no, no, no!
www.talovich.blogspot.com
Overheard by: Yugan
Categories: Animals | Massachusetts | Moms | Should have used a condom | Violence | Posted 2008-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Yeah, I'm the Smart-Ass Who Isn't Out of Insulin
Woman behind counter: The doctor isn't here.
Old lady: What about a nurse?
Woman behind counter: The nurses aren't allowed to write prescriptions.
Old lady: Well, you know, you're a fucking smartass.
Memphis, Tennessee
Overheard by: Jesa
Dude, We're So Not Coming Over. Ever.
Drunk guy to two chicks: I was so tanked last night that I don't know if I shit in my bed or if somebody else shit in my bed as a joke, but someone definitely shit in my bed. It was a pretty good party, though.
dcist.com
The Technical Term Is "Cellmates"
Man #1: You can fuck any part of the body if you have a sharp object close by.
Man #2: Just shut up and give me a beer.
Man #1: Seriously. Wouldn't it be great if you were fucking someone's ribs, and just as you came you punctured their lung, and with their last dying breath, it shot out their nose?
Man #2: Why are we friends?
Biddeford, Maine
Categories: Creepsters | Cum | Maine | Sex | Violence | Posted 2008-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Know Things Are Bad When Canadians Are Laughing at You
Nerd: Wait until I build my synthetic body -- then we'll see who's laughing!
University of Saskatchewan
Saskatchewan
Canadia
Categories: Canadia | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Threats | Posted 2008-02-14 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You'll Be Back
Student: I'm so angry about having to pay for social security and all that crap when I'm never going to see it myself. Heck, my parents won't even see it! They can't retire until they're like eighty. This country sucks! I'm moving to Iran.
Art studio, East Carolina University
Greenville, North Carolina
Categories: Gripes | North Carolina | Students | Posted 2008-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
So Let's Ignore His Excruciated Moans and Get Back to Work
Teacher, to students: ... And it's not like he's going to need that testicle...
Poole Grammar School
England
How I Look Forward to Your Wedding Day
Mother to son: One day you will eat blood, and your stomach will say, 'Oh, no, no, no!' and it will come right back up.
Steak & Shake
Springfield, Missouri
Overheard by: Mallory
Categories: Health & Hygiene | Missouri | Moms | Threats | Posted 2008-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Following Them to Their Logical Conclusion
Discouraged guy to pal: I can't stop having erections!
St-Jean Street
Old Quebec City
Canadia
Overheard by: My mom u-turned on the sidewalk and started running after him!
I'm Pretty Sure Bill O'Reilly Claims To
Little girl: Mom, why isn't my last name 'Christ'? Why doesn't everyone have the last name 'Christ'?
Hill Air Force Base
Utah
Overheard by: Wasn't his middle name H?
Snow White Has Strong Feelings about Little People
Guy #1: If I make a lot of money, I'm gonna hire a dwarf to stand on a stool and help me wash in the shower.
Guy #2: Why couldn't you get a full-sized woman to do that?
Nearby chick: I hope neither of you ever make any money.
Stanford, Connecticut
Categories: Connecticut | Idiots | Jobs & Careers | Stupidity | Posted 2008-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Boys Are So Frightened of Wolf Titties
Sorority girl: Yeah, he like, totally judges me for having fourteen nipples.
Georgia Tech
Atlanta, Georgia
Categories: Georgia | Nipples | Sorority types | Posted 2008-02-13 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Using the Red Pen Makes Me Tingle in My Naughty Places
Teacher on cell, grading papers: On the whole, these papers have been disappointingly good.
Columbus Airport
Ohio
Overheard by: confabulation Nation
Smarter Friends Might Help
Girl #1: He has, like, ACD or something!
Girl #2: You mean 'OCD.'
Girl #3: No, you mean 'ADD.'
Girl #1: Wait, no. I meant depression. He has depression.
Wal-Mart
Syracuse, New York
Plus, You Get to Have Boobs
Asian girl: Well, I don't know what it's like being white.
White girl: You feel guilty all the time.
White guy: Yeah, for things you never did.
Asian girl: Awesome!
Centennial College
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: Meech
It's More Like a Slightly Intoxicated Ferret
20-something on cell: My soul is not a constipated gerbil!
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Animals | Gossip | On the phone | Pennsylvania | Posted 2008-02-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
It's Kinda Like a Rorschach for Sexual Deviance
Freshman girl: I see a rubber glove, and I don't think it's a rubber glove -- I think it's a condom for a guy with five dicks.
Newton North High School
Newton, Massachusetts
Categories: Gossip | Massachusetts | Students | Posted 2008-02-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
How to Come Out to Your Friends in One Easy Step.
Guy #1: What if Heather was a guy?
Guy #2: If Heather was a guy, then I'd be gay.
Guy #3: If I was a guy, then I'd be gay!
Guy #1: ... Wait, what?
Cupertino High School
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl
Categories: California | Guys | Sexuality | Posted 2008-02-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
You Liked Gin Yesterday.
Grouchy mother to small child in stroller: I wipe your butt! The least you can do is share my drink!
Mall
Pennsylvania
Categories: Gripes | Moms | Pennsylvania | Posted 2008-02-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not As Hairy As Her Chin, but Close
Cub Scout #1: Your dad has hairy arms.
Cub Scout #2: You know what else is hairy? His penis!
Cub Scout #1: Yeah. So is my mom's.
Cub Scout Camp
Pennsylvania
Categories: Body parts | Hair | Kids | Pennsylvania | Posted 2008-02-12 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
We Don't Want to Get Him Confused with Mommy
Six-year-old boy, about new kitten: That pussycat is crazy! He eats anything and everything... I mean, he was eating carrots! We need to give him a name... How about 'Food Kitty'? Or 'Pussy Eater'?
Mom: Uhhh, no. Not that one.
Polaris Mall
Columbus, Ohio
Overheard by: jweils
If I Make It Seem Longer, You'll Feel You Got Your Money's Worth
Flight attendant, before takeoff: My name is Marynell. That's 'Mary' and 'Nell,' not just Mary... But that's probably too much information since this is such a short flight.
United flight 6056
Madison, Wisconsin to Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: archdiva
Categories: Airports & flights | Flight attendants | Names | Posted 2008-02-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Until She Found a Market for the Photos on the Internet
Professor: Sorry if you've been excited to see how you did on your essays, but I didn't get a chance to mark them over Christmas break.
Class: [Groans.]
Professor: Well, my testicles swelled to the size of grapefruit over the holiday break, so don't think you're the only ones disappointed. My wife wasn't thrilled, either.
York University
Ontario
Canadia
Overheard by: decidingwhethertolaughornot
Well You Asked, Mom.
Dude on cell: Well, I'm either gonna go see the hypnotist or masturbate.
James Madison University
Harrisonburg, Virginia
Overheard by: asm
Categories: Gossip | On the phone | Time Management | Virginia | Posted 2008-02-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Throw in a Vibrating Shower-Head and You've Got a Party
Girl: An Ambien in the shower is almost as good as a Screwdriver in the shower.
Lexington, Virginia
Overheard by: Kelly
Do Your Worst; I've Got Tenure
Professor on first day of class: I used to go around and have everyone tell me their name, year, and what they hope to get from taking this class, but I decided that frankly, I don't actually care.
Digital Media Class, Boston College
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Insults | Massachusetts | Teachers | Posted 2008-02-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And I Still Don't Think "Bloody Mary" Had Anything to Do with Aunt Flo
Guy: The professor talked about the uterus for 20 minutes. Who talks about the uterus in a history class?
Stone Center, Jacksonville State University
Jacksonville, Alabama
Well, Why Didn't You Say So In The First Place
Girl on cell in busy hallway: Will you assholes shut up?! I'm trying to have a serious conversation with my boyfriend here!
Punk: When you get done breaking up with him, can I fuck you?
Girl on cell: No!
Punk: Not even anal?
Macomb Community College
Warren, Michigan
How Intelligent Design Theorists Date
Girl to guy making out with her at bar: So, do you want my phone number?
Guy: If it was meant to be, I'll guess it.
Lawrence, Kansas
Overheard by: The Scandinavian
Categories: Guys | Kansas | Philosophy | Posted 2008-02-11 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Certainly, Sir. May I See Your Penis Pilot's License?
Male customer: Do you have any more of those flying penises?
New Hope, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: wait...whaaaat?!
Categories: Customers | Penis | Pennsylvania | Questions | Posted 2008-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
But That Uterine Rumbling Was All You, Baby
Girl: Okay, what other weird noises have I made? ... I queefed...
Boyfriend: I helped.
Athens, Ohio
Who Isn't Discussing the iPhone These Days?
Hipster boy: I mean, yeah, I'd buy it, but I would not have sex with it. I wouldn't fuck it. I'd just buy it.
Oberlin, Ohio
It Was Essentially Like a Bumpy Car Ride
Movie-goer: It was, like, almost orgasmic... without the orgasm.
Nova Cinema
Carlton, Melbourne
Australia
Overheard by: Hayley
I Like to Give It the Appearance of Fullness
Hot Asian girl to friend: Well, it was great talking to you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go stick a wad of cotton in my vagina.
Oregon State University
Corvallis, Oregon
Categories: Asians | Health & Hygiene | Oregon | Posted 2008-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When You Can Take the Handicapped Kid's Scissors Away, Grasshopper...
Bimbette: ... You, like, learn to flip people on the mat. My mom knows how to do that. She works with retarded kids and they, like, have come at her with scissors and tried to cut her throat before.
Barista: That doesn't sound like a job I'd want to have.
Bimbette: No, she loves it.
Starbucks
Gaithersburg, Maryland
Overheard by: I just want my mocha, please
Categories: Baristas | Bimbettes | Jobs & Careers | Maryland | Violence | Posted 2008-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Since You Kept Leaving Lemons with Knives in Them on My Bed
Roommate #1, awkwardly: Hey, do you think we could talk about, um, what happened on Friday?
Roommate #2: Oh?
Roommate #1: We were in here, and you were saying that my board hasn't done anything yet and we're misusing student funds by going on a board retreat. Remember that?
Roommate #2: Oh.
Roommate: Well, then I got up and went into the kitchen and made myself a cup of lemon and honey tea...
Roommate #2: Okay...
Roommate #1: Well, I used Angie's* lemon juice right in front of you, and I think you saw me, and I was wondering if that offended you.
Roommate #2: No, I didn't even notice.
Roommate #1: Oh, okay... Good... Because it's been on my mind all weekend, and I just wanted to clear that up because it seemed like you were mad at me after that.
Canadia
Guns Don't Kill Old People; Florida Does
Customer: I want that shirt. The one with the cool-looking gun on it.
Employee: Gun? Dude, that's Florida...
Boston, Massachusetts
Categories: Customers | Employees | Massachusetts | Stupidity | Posted 2008-02-10 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Straight Love Is So 20th Century
Guy on cell: Oh, for fuck's sake! Is it a lesbian wedding? ... Is it a lesbian wedding? Then fuck it!
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Mephisto
Categories: Gripes | On the phone | Sexuality | Washington | Posted 2008-02-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
And Then Ran Away, Cackling.
Young guy: Dude, some guy dropped his baby on my foot earlier.
Illinois
Overheard by: munder
On a Good Day, She's You-Don't-Have-to-Be-Drunk-Pretty
Hipster on cell: She's not ugly, she's just not leave-your-girlfriend-pretty.
McDonald's
Morristown, New Jersey
Categories: Beauty | Gossip | Hipsters | New Jersey | Posted 2008-02-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
No -- Just Patting and Slapping, Like Football Players
Mother: Max, no pinching girls' hineys!
Three-year-old boy: Just boys'?
Highlands Ranch, Colorado
Look, Just Pay the Damn Taxes, Artie
White guy trailing fast-walking lady: So, do you know of any doomsday machines?
Bus stop, Pine and 3rd Avenue
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Andy Christ
Categories: Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Questions | Washington | Posted 2008-02-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Mean, Does That Line Ever Work?
Naked old man: You know, they say you really shouldn't hang meats anymore.
Fully-clothed hipster: ... Really?
YMCA locker room
Chicago, Illinois
Not When You're in Them
Student #1: Did you end up taking her to SeaWorld or Busch Gardens or something?
Student #2: Naw, man, I told you -- she set all my clothes on fire!
Student #1: See, I think that's kinky.
Michigan State University
Michigan
Categories: Michigan | Relationships | Students | Violence | Posted 2008-02-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Definitely the Low Point of Any Bon Jovi Concert
Chubby guy on cell: You know it's bad when Bon Jovi shows up.
Target
Westminster, Maryland
Overheard by: JoviFan4Life
Categories: About celebrities | Maryland | Music | On the phone | Posted 2008-02-09 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Why Are You Banging Your Head on That Counter?
Disappointed wife: Hi. I'd like to exchange these really nice-colored dress shirts for these really boring dress shirts. I had my husband try on the lilac, and it looked great. He said he would never wear it because it made him look gay. I said, 'First of all, you'll never be attractive enough to pass for a gay man...!'
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Express Customer
Categories: Clothing | Gripes | Massachusetts | Women | Posted 2008-02-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Just about Thingamajiggies and Doodads
Sorostitute on cell: Like, I don't know, we hook up every now and then, and we talk... But, like, not about stuff.
Johns Hopkins University
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: LabCat
Categories: Gossip | Maryland | Relationships | Sorority types | Posted 2008-02-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Toasting with Really Large Steins of Beer?
Lesbian to girlfriend: ... That was back when I was dating this pharmacist and my sister-in-law decided to start this rumor that both of us were into this thing... [makes subtle fisting motion].
Elevator, Penrose Hospital
Colorado Springs, Colorado
I Knew I Should've Brought a Bigger Purse
Girl: Hold on -- my vagina's falling out.
Brookline Avenue
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: superjew
Categories: Chicks | Massachusetts | Vagina | Posted 2008-02-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Nominative Is Like a Big Old Bland Burrito
German teacher: Mmm, ahhh-gentive! It's like a spicy taco!
Alexandria, Virginia
Overheard by: bekkaroo
Categories: Education | Language barrier | Teachers | Virginia | Posted 2008-02-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Pretending to Be Straight Isn't Working at All
Guy #1: Sometimes I pretend I'm gay to get chicks at parties.
Guy #2: Does that really work?
Guy #1: Nah... I mean, it's worked once, but I'm not sure she was a she.
Guy #2: Sweet! I've gotta try that!
Lansing, Michigan
Overheard by: Regular
Instead of Making License Plates, Like Usual
Dad to two-year-old daughter, before dropping her off at daycare: What are you going to do with the other kids today? ... You should teach them all to be cage-fighters!
Ada, Ohio
Overheard by: Marci
Switch-Hitters Really Confuse a Pitcher
Girl on cell, pushing cart: Well, yeah, but lots of people have mean mothers-in-law.. I don't think yours is mean just because she has a mullet... Well, we know she wasn't a lesbian at least four times, or you wouldn't have a baby-daddy.
Target, Sports Arena Boulevard
San Diego, California
Overheard by: Seriously?
Categories: California | On the phone | Sexuality | Posted 2008-02-08 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Remember What the Judge Said!
Six-year-old boy playing in shipping carton: You can't mail me! I'm your son!
Deatsville, Alabama
Overheard by: Don't Tempt Me
Categories: Alabama | Family ties | Kids | Posted 2008-02-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Centers for Disease Control Have a Whole Josh Wing
Hoochie: Yeah, I don't know, but Josh and I totally hooked up for a while last year.
Friend: What? Why?!
Hoochie: What do you mean, 'Why'? Josh is hot.
Friend: Dude, hooking up with Josh is like hanging a sign on your vagina that says, 'Come on in, chlamydia.' If I was looking for a communicable disease, Josh is the first place I'd go.
Hoochie: Oh...
California State University-Chico
Chico, California
Overheard by: Kimberly
Categories: California | Gossip | Hoochies | STDs | Posted 2008-02-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Dennis Kucinich? Really?
Chick to friend: I'm telling you -- he's a communist leprechaun posing as a democrat!
Auburn, New York
We Were Supposed to Do That Together
Teen hipster on cell: Mom... Mom! I still have the 10 bucks. I did not spend it on drugs... I did not spend it on drugs!
Capitol Hill
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: mightbekatrina
Categories: Drugs | Hipsters | Money | Washington | Posted 2008-02-07 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I Mean, Just Look at Those Raggedy-Ass Sneakers
Black kindergartener to white teacher: You know, before you were my teacher, I didn't know white people could be poor.
Atlanta, Georgia