Some Lines Are More Important Than Others

Queer to another: Wait -- you traded Botox for coke?!

Universal CityWalk
Hollywood, California

Overheard by: Gluey

What, Like We All Didn't Do It?

Guy, with friends: So when, as a child, you kill a pregnant bunny...

Shout-out: community.livejournal.com

Overheard by: svggrdnbeauty and i

How Structural Engineers Unwind

Girl: That orgy was like Legos -- anyone and everyone on top of each other! You didn't know what was what, who was who, where someone began or where did they end. It was just a big pile of human building blocks of pleasure.

Wonka Bar
Curitiba
Brazil

I Wouldn't Agree to Any Surgery, Either

Girl on cell: ... And don't let her dress you in drag -- she likes doing that.

Asheville, North Carolina

Didn't Say I Wanted to Raise It

Teen girl: Oh! Cute baby! I want to have a baby!
Her annoyed mom: At what point did I make this look like fun to you?

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Kim

Calamity Jane Had a Conventional Girlhood

Little girl singing in restroom stall: I'm a little lady, I'm a little lady, I'm a little lady.

401 Congress Avenue
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: Athens

Cracked Rear View

Woman #1: Hey, you look good.
Woman #2: Thanks! I've been working out... Wanna feel my ass? [Protrudes her rear.]

Arlington, Texas

Overheard by: AmadeusMaxwell

Serves Her Right for Trying to Get Birth Control in Kansas

Girl: I just started a new birth control this week.
Dad: Which one were you on before?
Girl: Ummm... Levitra.

Overland Park, Kansas

What's the Point, If We Can't Break Stuff?

Four-year-old ballerina #1: I need to ask my mom.
Four-year-old ballerina #2: That's good, because my house is crap.
Pre-ballerina: Well, it's not crap -- we just have a lot of crap in it.
Four-year-old ballerina #1: Can I come over to your place and play?

Dance studio
Maryland

The Real Ronald Would've Smacked Me Back by Now

Three-year-old climbing on plastic Ronald McDonald: He's not real! [Smacks his face.] He's not real!

Walmart
Pleasanton, California

Overheard by: Stephen

Why Else Would I Be Teaching Public School?

Kid: You sound like a special needs person.
Teacher: Maybe I am a special needs person.

Shout-out: overheardincomo.blogspot.com

Overheard by: Kelsaaaaay Lee.

Chimney: Hey, I Only Smoke When I Drink

Hyper girl: He smokes more cigarettes than a chimney!

Main Street
Northampton, Massachusetts

Overheard by: velvin

Your Assignment: Write a Children's Story around Those Three Key Words

Professor: The researchers were trying to see whether or not subjects would react to taboo words. Of course, this was in 1940, so the words they used were things like 'whore,' 'penis,' and 'Kotex.'

Widener University
Chester, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: I heart grad school

So Much Easier to Imagine What Economics Might Be

Northeastern University girl: I'm so nervous about that Economics test...
Northeastern University guy: Oh, that? That class is so easy. You just have to go to class.
Northeastern University girl: See, if I go to class, I get confused and don't get it, so I don't bother going anymore.

39 bus
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: let me clue you in

This Big Slab of Steak Brought Them to Mind

Lady to friends: So, have you been to see the cadavers yet?

Restaurant Zoe
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: of bugle be uncouth

It's So Obvious in Retrospect

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: At the bowling alley!

Armor Road
North Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: Caesar22

What Happens When You Bribe Them with Lollipops

Two-year-old girl: I want a shot.
Mom: You ain't gettin' no shot.
Two-year-old girl: I want a shot.
Mom: You ain't gettin' no shot. They shootin' your sister today.

Hospital Hill
Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: I always wondered what went on in there

Yeah, but He's All Like, "Our Baby Doesn't Have Any Food"

Barista #1: He expects me to work from, like, nine to five all next week!
Barista #2: What?! That's like a job!

Starbucks
Virginia

Overheard by: Person with a job

Because He's a Poorly-Drawn Character?

Teacher: Small things amuse small minds, Timothy.
Kid: Then why does Dumbledore laugh at such stupid shit?

Emerald
Australia

Yeah, Babies Are a Lot of Trouble

Girl behind counter: Someone needs to tape his ass together, because he is loose. He is like grandma-and-whiskey loose.

Tattoo parlor
Cambridge, Massachusetts

Overheard by: switching to vodka

Like There Was Some Connection between Reading and Earning

Elementary education major, about first grader: ... And my kid was like, 'I really wanna be a good reader, so I'm gonna read books every day so I get better. Like, Christ, kid, you don't have to try so hard -- you're not getting paid.

University of Delaware
Delaware

The Topic Was "Careers for Youth"

Hipster girl: Haha, that presentation we did in class was kinda strange...
Dude: Yeah, I know, but I just had to say 'porn.'

Dalseweg
Nijmegen
Holland

Huffing Is a Privilege, Not a Right

Mom to little boy: Son, come get in this car right now and I'll give you your glue...

Annapolis Mall
Maryland

Overheard by: Lila K

An "F." Why?

Sophomore girl: Yeah, I had Mr. Jacobs* last year, and he had a retarded accent. He said, 'I am from Wales,' and I said, 'Hehe, screw you!'

All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: freshman whisperer

We Now Present the Rules of Going Balls to the Wall

Computer science kid on phone: No, do the balls first, then the walls... Yes, the balls -- do the balls. No, not walls first... Balls! Do balls first! Then you can check to see if they get moved and get larger. Yes, you want large balls, so do the balls first!

Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com

Overheard by: probablysaiditall

One of Which I Am As Well

Girl: Is she drunk?
Guy: She's half laughing, half crying, and half retarded.

Coffee shop
Canadia

Instead of Just White People, Like Normal

Drunk queer: There are so many people in the world -- especially when you factor in everyone.

Charlottesville, Virginia

Overheard by: I'd say that's the best way to do it

And Put Some Underpants on, Wouldya?

Santa: Remember, you have to be very good so I can bring you lots of presents.
Little girl: I have been! I have been!
Santa: I came by your house the other day. Did you know that?
Little girl: Really?! Wow!
Santa: I looked in your window, and I saw lots of messy toys on your floor. And clothes.
Little girl, crying: I was just going to get a glass of water and then go back to clean them up, I promise!
Santa: Whatever.

Park Plaza Mall
Little Rock, Arkansas

Might Be Better Just to Stalk Him

Girl #1: I wish I was sick and he would come visit me... Like Make-a-Wish.
Girl #2: You're saying you want cancer so Heath Ledger will come visit you?
Girl #1: No! ... Kinda...

Laguna Hills, California

Overheard by: me too

Either That or My Shirt's Stuck in It

High school physics teacher: You see, everything has a gravitational force, so everything is attracted to everything else. For example, I am attracted to this door. This... is a really... nice door. And this table -- this is a really, really nice table... But I really like the door.

Massachusetts

When He Explains School, It'll Blow Her Mind

Guy: Yeah, I just got back from church.
Girl: Oh, really? So, are you going to church to find patients or to find a girl?
Guy: Well, I was thinking more for the religious part.
Girl: Oh, I didn't think about it that way.

Millstadt, Illinois

Overheard by: Robbie

If the Dads Are Paying Tuition, That's Already Happened

Student #1: I gotta take Psychology next semester.
Student #2: Fuck no -- too much reading.
Student #1: Sucks, man.
Student #2: Yeah, who cares if we all want to fuck our dads?
Student #1: Not me.
Student #2: Me either.

Men's room, College
Farmington, Connecticut

Overheard by: hoppersitter

Skid or Stretch?

Sorostitute yelling at friend: I can see the marks on your butt from over here!

Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com

Overheard by: yix

And That's My Oral Report on Aretha Franklin

Nerd: She looks like Shrek, but she sings well.

School bus
Northern Virginia

Overheard by: Alanna

Friends Don't Let Friends Come to Work Sober

Guy: Yo, Jimmy*! You're doing a great job!
Jimmy, backing a U-Haul out of a tiny alley: I'm totally drunk!

Shout-out: overheardinphilly.blogspot.com

Overheard by: anonymous

And Dress Up

Professor: The Civil War actually brought along a lot of the standardized clothing measurements that we use today, though they were much more in-depth, such as inseam in relation to knuckle-width and things like that... And, of course, they measured penis size.
Student: Why?
Professor: Well, because it's one of the things you can measure.

Shout-out: www.overheardatumbc.com

Portrait of the Purell Addict As a Young Boy

Little boy at hand-drying machine: Dad, aren't you going to smell my hands so you know they're clean?
Dad: No, it's okay. Let's go.
Little boy, getting angry: Smell them. Smell them! Smell them!

Restroom, Scottsdale Fashion Square
Scottsdale, Arizona

Overheard by: mine were clean

'Cause I Can Only Think of Star Jones and Ringo Starr

Blonde student to astronomy professor: Can you tell me approximately how many stars there are in our solar system?

Wheaton College
Wheaton, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Amycakes

Where Conspiracy Bloggers Come From

Kid: Hey, where does the line start?
Mom: All the way over there.
Kid: Dear God. My glasses have fooled me yet again!

Kohl's
Howell, New Jersey

I Especially Enjoy the Blue Ones

Hyperactive camper: Oh, boy, my favorite -- milk and cookies and pills!

Overnight camp
Wolfeboro, New Hampshire

Overheard by: Counselor Lou

Instead of Just Giving Head, Like Her Classmates

Woman: She's 12 and she's already having candlelight dinners!

Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com

Overheard by: girl in scrubs

It Has Something to Do with Al Gore...

Girl: Yeah, there's a Facebook group called 'I'm a fermata, hold me.'
Professor: What?
Girl: You know, Facebook? YouTube?
Professor: What?!
Girl: You know, like, the Internet?
Professor: I know about the Internet! I know!

Sarah Lawrence College
New York

And Pinpointing Its Source Is Almost As Good As Being Alive

Man, offered a cigarette: No, I never smoke.
Woman, offering cigarette: Come on, you won't get cancer from one cigarette. Well, if you do, you'll know where it came from.

Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com

Overheard by: standing outside

... Bitch

Professor, calling role: Sarah?
Sarah: Here!
Professor: That'll be easy to remember. It was my ex-wife's name.
Sarah: [Looks uncomfortable.]
Professor: But don't worry -- I probably won't hold that against you.

St. Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: Leia

I Left Him with an Iron and a Bathtub to Amuse Himself

Mom, oblivious to sons sliding on ice through parking lot: So, I guess we want a tree that's really tall, but not too wide...
Lady, wincing every time boys slide near a moving car: Wow, those two must be a handful, huh?
Mom: Oh, yeah. Actually, I have three, but the youngest is at home because he broke his neck and he's too hard to cart around.

Syracuse, New York

Until Someone Adds an "S" to It

Male student #1: I was seriously one letter away from spelling 'vagina.'
Male student #2: That's a pretty high-scoring word.
Male student #3: You'd be, like, a Scrabble Club hero or something.

Addelstone Library
Charleston, South Carolina

Overheard by: i was impressed

The "My Little Pony" Gang Is More Vicious Than You'd Think

Chick #1: Oh my god, Latonya! You should've written down 'Bubbles'!
Chick #2: Bubbles?
Latonya: Yeah, that's my gangster name. I know it's not tough, but I still like it!

All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: male student reluctantly forced into a group

'Cause That Was Sort of My Goal

Mother: You know what I'm going to have to do now?
Son, soaked from romping in fountain outside: Send me to the gypsies?!

J. Crew
Seattle, Washington

We Will Be Coming around Shortly with Beverages and Compatibility Questionnaires

Boarding attendant at gate: At this time, you may put away your photo IDs... Unless, of course, you are exceptionally attractive. In that case, my name is Jason, I'm a Virgo, and I enjoy long walks on the beach.

Detroit Metro Airport
Michigan

Overheard by: orange

Public School Builds Character!

Little boy to parents: Nuh-uhhh! I only got thrown up on that one time!

Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com

Overheard by: alexis

He's Part Woodpecker

Sorority chick, from across room: Hey, do you wanna go steady?
Frat guy: Sure, when?
Sorority chick: I dunno... Let me ask my boyfriend and get back to you.
Frat guy: Sweet. Just as long as I get to tap that.

Iowa

Overheard by: confused and disgusted

Belinda Describes Herself As "Passionate"

Guy: You really need to stop driving by my house and calling me 20 times a day.
Ex-girlfriend: Whatever. You're acting like I'm a crazy stalker or something... And I don't drive by your house all the time.
Guy: Well, every time I or my dad or my roommate leave the house, you're driving away. It's kind of creepy.
Ex-girlfriend: Oh, what? Like, I mean, I would never shoot you!

Murfreesboro, Tennessee

Ah, the Mild and Pointless Amusements That Would Accrue

Asian guy: If I had an uncle, I'd totally go to his house.

Derby
England

Overheard by: Me too.

Dear Social Services, Something's Afoot.

Child #1: Let's play house!
Child #2 to child #3: You're the baby! [Children #1 and #2 start slapping child #3.]
Child #3: Stop the game! Stop the game!

Windjammer Inn
Burlington, Vermont

She's Just Jealous because I Can Rest Snacks on Top of It

Ghetto girl: Did you know that half my weight is in my ass?
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: You have a ghetto booty?
Ghetto girl: Yeah, I went to the doctor's and he said, 'Yo, half your weight is in your ass,' and my mother laughed her head off.

All Saints High School
Whitby, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: freshman whisperer

Pop Quiz: For What Size Wheel Is This True? Show Your Work.

Young child in line for ferris wheel: Mom, what does 'Four RPM' mean?
Mom: Four miles per hour.

Six Flags Amusement Park
Western Massachusetts

And Find Me a Black Thong in Medium

Little boy picking up women's underwear: Mommy, what is this?
Mother: That's women's underwear.
Little boy: I'm touching women's underwear?! I'm touching women's underwear!
Mother: Stay away from that, Tommy*.

Target
Novi, Michigan

Where the Delinquent Moose Live?

Tourist to waitress: How do we get to the bad part of town?

Shout-out: feeds.feedburner.com

Overheard by: kyle

So, Satan, I'll Be Heavyweight Champion, but I Have to Name All My Kids "George"?

Middle-aged woman to college-aged son: ... And that's when George Foreman had a choice.

Chicago Art Institute
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Kate

And I Stopped Listening to Myself Years Ago

Student: Professor, can you repeat that question?
Professor: I can't remember! I just make this shit up.

American University
Washington, DC

Whereas the Pot Dealers Will Often Take Cookies

Professor of Physiological Psychology: ... And that's why you go down to the crackhouse with a wad of cash.

Rutgers University
New Jersey

That Dachshund Is a Total Exhibitionist

Dude: I'm just going to paint my wiener with glow-in-the-dark paint, turn the lights off, and start dancing.
Guy at next table, making eye contact with only girl in group: Yeah, I heard that, too.

The Village Pub
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: abbs mcnabbs

Good at What, Exactly?

Statistics professor: If you're not good-looking, you'd better be good; and if you're not good, you'd better be rich... Oh, I'm sorry. It's true, but I'm still sorry.

Shout-out: community.livejournal.com

Overheard by: me in cas b12

And Their Legs Are So Open That Babies Fall Out

Professor: Some people's minds are so open that their brains fall out.

University of St. Thomas
Houston, Texas

Overheard by: AnnArrogance

We Need a Nice Set of Operational Definitions

Male MBA #1: We should have a contest to see who can bring the hottest date to charity ball.
Male MBA #2: That wouldn't work, because looks are subjective.
Female MBA: Um... No... Some people are objectively hot. You can be empirically attractive.

Shout-out: overheardatkmc.blogspot.com

Overheard by:

I'm Gonna Cuff You Now, 'Kay?

Security guard to girls who set off alarms: It's okay. Sometimes I steal things, too.

Boston, Massachusetts

Before I Steal Their Skin for Lampshades

Tall guy: When we get back to the flat we should measure how tall we all are.
Shorter girl: ... Why?
Tall guy, in creepy, monotone voice: ... I like to measure people.

Manchester
UK

Overheard by: Scared by-stander

Which Is Fancy Language for "Written While Stoned"

Guy: ... But in a collision between a goat and a castle, who would win?
Chick: I think the goat would. It's quite a big goat.
Lecturer: Remember -- it's allegorical.

History seminar, British university
UK

To Avoid Any Unseemly Sexual Desire

Man: Yeah, we're getting married as soon as she gets her ovaries removed.

Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: Steve

Three 6 Mafia Appears on the Rachael Ray Show

Guy #1, at urinal: That bitch is out of control.
Guy #2, at urinal: Yeah, she's all kinds of fucked up. She needs to chill.
Guy #1: She needs to fuckin' simmer. Simmer and sauté.

Shout-out: overheardinphilly.blogspot.com

Overheard by: teamcinnamon

She's Starting to Enjoy Having Poop Flung at Her

Italian man on cell: Well, maybe she'll find some nice Scandinavian boy as opposed to those monkeys she's been dating.

Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com

Overheard by: wondering where she meets available monkeys

But Adam Sandler's Rich!

Guy: Come on! He's only a little retarded.
Chick: I'm not going to sleep with him. Ever!

Shout-out: overheardinthevalley.blogspot.com

Overheard by:

Attention: Your Street Cred Has Been Revoked

Dude: Yeah, you know how it be. I'll check ya later. Yo, this is Tylenol, I'm out!

Shout-out: ohinmpls.blogspot.com

Overheard by: gee and drew

If That Isn't Already the Premise of a Porn, It Ought to Be

Guy: Hey, you coming to my place? Allison wants someone to hang with who doesn't have a penis.
Girl: Yeah, I'm coming, but I'm not sure if I fit those criteria...
Guy: Now I'm scared...
Girl: She thinks she's getting a friend to girly-chat with, but she may just be getting an ear full of cock.

Hobart, Tasmania
Australia

She Won't Accept the Solution I Worked Out

Nerdy Asian guy: My friend is having a problem...
Drunk Asian guy: Can you solve it with your penis?

UCLA
California

Overheard by: Amused

And They'll Feel Comfortable in Me

20-ish girl: I suppose, but only if I can dress like a whore. That way, I'll feel comfortable in my surroundings.

Disney World
Florida

It Probably Remains Frozen in Canadia

Guy #1: Okay, sure -- you can use a transporter to beam your body down to another planet, but what happens to your soul?
Guy #2: Yeah...

Calgary, Alberta
Canadia

Overheard by: Paul Cowling

The Most Fun I've Ever Had

Punk rocker: I was in the paper for being a hero, but I wasn't really. I just shoved some kid's intestines back inside him and covered it with duct tape and drove him at a hundred and forty-five miles per hour to the hospital.

Overheard by: http://overheardatcornell.blogspot.com/

That's So Cute

Lady: ... So she goes, 'I don't even know if it counts as sex. It was just, like, in and out in one second.' And she's only fifteen!

Restaurant, Belltown
Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: of bugle be uncouth

At the Premature Ejaculation Finals

Dude #1: ... And she was just so sassy!
Dude #2: Don't say 'sassy' -- you know what it does to me.
Dude #1: Sssassyyy. [Dude #2 shudders orgasmically.]

Merrill F. West High School
Tracy, California

... Taking It Seriously

MBA: The name of the class is 'Financial Statement Anal.' Looks like it'll be tough.

Shout-out: overheardatkmc.blogspot.com

Overheard by:

... And a Smelly Big Toe Is Not a Medical Concern

Surgeon #1: ... So I told him, 'If you just stop putting it in your ass, you won't have that problem!'
Surgeon #2: Yeah.

Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital
New Brunswick, New Jersey

Under the Flexible Standards of Wisconsin Law

Mom to barking, howling little boy: Stop that! Remember, you're a person!

Eau Claire, Wisconsin

Overheard by: the girl with the hat

I'm Just So Proud of My Churning, Though

Drunk guy: Your vag is made of butter!
Drunk girl: What?!
Drunk guy: Your vag is made of butter!
Drunk girl and friend: Ewww!
Drunk guy: Yeah, I know -- that's so bad!

Queen Street
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: Ras

So There Are Only a Few Girls He Can Physically Have Sex With

20-ish girl on cell: No, he's not gay! He's just really, really tall...

Marietta, Georgia

Overheard by: Sidlee

And the Smell of Urine and Open Sores

Teen cheerleader: I think hobos are hot.
Friend: Why?
Teen cheerleader: I don't know. There's just something sexy about trains, I guess.

Shout-out: www.overheardinminneapolis.com

Overheard by:

You Were Supposed to Meet Me There in 1972

Drunk man: Where have you been all my life?
Drunk woman: At the bowling alley!

Kansas City, Missouri

Overheard by: L3Gagneur

And It's Scalding -- That Can't Be a Good Sign

Big black lady spilling drink on herself: Oops, I done baptized myself.

Atlanta, Georgia

Um, None of This Is Autobiographical

Professor: What is SWOT?
Student: Strength is your wife, weakness if neighbor's wife, opportunity is when your neighbor is away, and threat is when you are away.

Shout-out: overheardatkmc.blogspot.com

Overheard by:

It's Directly Correlated with Whiteness, Except in New Jersey

College chick: You cannot do a scientific study to see which city is the least gangster!

Rally's
Charleston, West Virginia

Overheard by: gudo

I Told You He Would Poop on the Couch

Angry woman on phone: Well, did you let Grandpa out of the cage?!

Venice, Florida

Overheard by: inyourendo

It Still Seems to Be Undercover

Coffee shop employee: Sir, are you a cop?
Customer: No. Why do you ask?
Coffee shop employee looking at badge on customer's shirt: I saw your thingy.
Customer, looking down at his fly: What?!

Covington, Louisiana

Hey, That Was Just a Freak Picnicking Accident

Black chick: I'm sorry -- I don't have relations with inanimate objects!
Black guy: A rock is not inanimate...

Florida State University
Tallahassee, Florida

Overheard by: Iniego Strangelove

Milkshakes Bring Out the Worst in Him

Little kid #1: No, Daddy would never swear!
Little kid #2: Yeah, he does -- when he drinks!

Dairy Queen
Roseau, Minnesota

Overheard by: jo

In That He Told God Everything

Kid #1: ... And so, there is an alpha male among rats--
Kid #2, interrupting: --Jesus Christ was a rat!

City High School
Iowa

Welcome to Our World

Geek: I can't wait to spend three days sitting in my underwear working on my websites.

Shout-out: www.overheardquote.com

Overheard by:

Just More Large Aquatic Rodents

Lady: Used to be that only muskrats wanted to live in swamps. Nowadays only executives do.

Shout-out: www.overheardinchtown.blogspot.com

Overheard by: wl

If Only the UN Were This Tolerant

Guy #1: ... And he'd just sit in the back at these meetings listening, and every now and then he'd say something really intelligent -- really eloquent, you know? And we'd all be like, 'Wow, that was amazing,' and then we'd notice his testicles were out.
Guy #2: Damn, I miss that guy.

Sub Connection, Ithaca College
New York

Overheard by: BLT on a garlic wrap

Um, Is That Lipstick on Your Teeth?

Girl #1: That's bad luck!
Girl #2: What's bad luck?
Girl #1: Putting purses on your floor. You might as well put your menstrual blood on your face!

www.overheardatyale.blogspot.com

By Then, Hopefully Grandma Will Be Dead

Little boy wearing necklace: Mom, can I change my name to 'Elizabeth'?
Frazzled mom: No, I told you -- that's a girl's name, and you're a boy.
Little boy: Well, can I change to a girl?
Frazzled mom: Not until you're eighteen.

Wegmans
Rochester, New York

And We've Got Both on Our Scavenger Hunt List

Girl: So, it's like this -- a slut is a girl who says, 'Look at my boobies,' but a whore is a girl who says, 'Touch my boobies.'
Friends: [Silence.]

Eleanor Roosevelt High School
Corona, California

Overheard by: trying to watch a performance

How People Get a Zero on Their SATs

Sororitard #1: Oh, genius, I spelled 'cheese' wrong.
Sororitard #2: That's nothing. Sometimes I spell my own name wrong!

Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com

Overheard by: twombly

That, and the Shrapnel

Preppy girl #1: Yeah, so he's going to be in Iraq until early December, and then he gets to be here until early January, and then he starts his second tour.
Preppy girl #2: That's awesome.
Preppy girl #1: Yeah, except that he's dating my best friend.

Judiciary Square Metro Station
Washington, DC

Overheard by: V

How the British Contend with Murderers

Reporter guy: If he is guilty, take his chandeliers.

Shout-out: community.livejournal.com

Overheard by:

And If Bad Grammar Were the New Good Grammar...

Guy: Man, if failing was the new pass, I'd be doing so good.

Shout-out: overheardatwestern.blogspot.com

Overheard by: lauren

He Fashioned a Blowdart Out of Lincoln Logs and Art Supplies

Male fencer: So, how's that new job at the preschool?
Female fencer: Pretty good. One of the boys in the class is named after a Viet Cong assassin.

Metro State College of Denver
Colorado

Then You'll Be Deformed Enough to Settle for Him

Frustrated brunette: I just wish he would leave me alone! He's always following me!
Friend #1: I know. I'm sorry, sweetie.
Frustrated brunette: What can I do? Maybe I can change the way I look so he won't recognize me.
Friend #2, after long pause: You could cut off your legs!

Ithaca College
New York

Overheard by: LadyDisdain

I'm Pretty Sure That's the Way to a Man's Heart

Woman #1: So, how's it going with you and Dave?
Woman #2: Good! He told me that he loved me!
Woman #1: Really?
Woman #2: Well, yeah, but I'm not looking too far into it because he said it when I had his entire dick in my mouth.

Tim Horton's
Buffalo, New York

And See Them from the Inside

Drunk guy to drunk girl: If any of these guys see your boobies tonight and I don't, I'll slit your throat!

Maple Lanes Bowling Alley
Cedar Falls, Iowa

Well, It's Gonna Be All Pissy Regardless

Student to another: Well, maybe the urinal wanted to be dried. Did you ever think about that?

Houston, Texas

Overheard by: Trying to Teach Here

He's My Favorite Black Friend

Drunk guy: America is the greatest! If you don't like it, get out! Out with the riff-raff!
Friend: Stanley the Racist would be so proud of you.
Drunk guy: Man, it was great seeing Stanley the Racist again. Next time I see him, I'm going to give him a big man-hug.

E line
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: elena

Except for Britney Over There

Vice president: We're all like kind of educated or whatever...

Shout-out: overheardatcornell.blogspot.com

Overheard by: babygirl

Or Wear All Black

Professor: Oh, today is Johnny Cash's birthday... In case you need a reason to drink.

Shout-out: www.overheardatmcgill.com

Overheard by:

We're Now Almost Certain the Holy Grail Was Actually a Cockring

Theology professor: I can talk about whores and sex with animals... It's in the Bible!

Providence College
Providence, Rhode Island

Overheard by: too busy laughing to take notes

Don't Make Me Come Down There and Rescue You

Police helicopter hovering with spotlight on suspect, over loudspeaker: Stop running. You can't get away. Just give yourself up. Stop running... No, don't go in the water. You won't make it across. No, don't-- Yeah, it's fucking cold, isn't it, dumbass? Just get out of the water!

American River Parkway
Sacramento, California

Overheard by: Ree

We'd Rather See You Tweak It a Little

Grad student on her Gender History peer review: I don't feel the need to keep the nipple section.

University of Tulsa
Tulsa, Oklahoma

Overheard by: Andrea

We All Do Our Part, Marcia

Black lady on cell: I mean, I'm out here stealing, too! I got a habit to support, too!

33 bus
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Those Axe Ads Get Straight to the Point

Hurried lady, panting after running onto train: Smell like men in here!

Shout-out: overheardinphilly.blogspot.com

Overheard by: r2rider

And Then We Were Over and Out

Man on phone, about his failing marriage: I did everything I could. I was nice to her, I let her do whatever she wanted, and this is what happens... Are you fucking kidding me? I was there for her 10-4!

1958 West Grand Avenue
Chicago, Illinois

Overheard by: Roger roger

... On What It's Laced With

Guy #1: Me and Jeff and doin' some drugs tonight. Wanna come?
Guy #2: I don't do drugs.
Guy #1: You smoked pot with me the other day.
Guy #2: Weed isn't a drug.
Guy #1: Yes, it is!
Guy #2: No, it's not... [To passerby] Is weed a drug?
Passerby: Depends.

Holy Trinity Catholic High School
Kanata, Ontario
Canadia

Overheard by: RG

Or at Least Oprah

Mother: I'm going to sell you to the zoo.
Child: No, sell me to Jesus!

Billings, Montana

Overheard by: Amber

Vegetarian Junkies Are So Nervous around Kids

Man: I've got basically everything I need -- I've got the lentils and the sauce. All I need is the methadone and a babysitter.

Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Gavin

Entertainment's Scarce During Long Wisconsin Winters

High school girl: I'm so excited! I can't wait to poop out just a little of this burrito!

Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin

I'd Wish for World Peace, but I'm Boring

College girl #1: You know that Make-a-Wish Foundation? I wonder what I would wish for if I was given the chance.
College girl #2: My wish would be for someone to make a cake in the shape of my body... with my face on it... And that the Spice Girls would come and help me eat it.
College girl #1: Oooh, that's a good wish.

London
England

I've Got to Put Myself Through College Somehow

First grade girl: It's my job to inform everyone about horse dinkers.

Johnstown, Pennsylvania

That Wasn't Henry Winkler As the Head Ewok?

Girl watching end credits of Return of the Jedi: Where's Scott Baio?
Guy: What?
Girl: Scott Baio -- I don't see his name in the credits.
Guy: Scott Baio was not in Star Wars!
Girl: Yes, he was! He was celebrating at the end! The pilot!
Guy: Scott Baio is not Wedge Antilles!

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by:

In the Same Sense That Root Beer Is Beer

Suit: Hey, Rich, will you eat a cheese steak? It's like a salad, except it's a cheese steak.

25 Hudson Street
Jersey City, New Jersey

Psychological Harm

[Teacher rises from desk and moves to white board while carrying sheet of paper.]

Student: What are you doing? [Teacher begins writing on white board.] What are you doing?!
Teacher: I'm writing down your homework!
Student: Oh, I thought you were going to hurt us.
Teacher: I'm just holding a piece of paper!

Arcadia, California

Overheard by: Giggling student

That's What the Native Americans Said, and What Was Their Fate?

Italian exchange student: Why do you celebrate Thanksgiving in America?
Teacher: Because of the pilgrims! Anyone want to explain?
Student: The pilgrims can suck it!

Marcos de Niza High School
Tempe, Arizona

Overheard by: J.

Now Can We Teach Kids about STDs in High School?

Tall brunette: ... And so I said I didn't want herpes, but he was like, 'Oh, they're no big deal.'
Short blonde: Well, did you sleep with him?
Tall brunette: Of course I did. Like he said, herpes are no big deal. Just a little itching and stuff... Besides, it's not like I can ever get them again. It's like chicken pox -- once you get it, you don't get it again.
Math major nearby, yelling: Do you mind taking your dumb, STD-having ass somewhere I'm not trying to eat?! [Other students cheer.]

Bentley Dining Hall, Lock Haven University
Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Alexander Lepro

Oooh, Coal! What about Coal?

Girlfriend: I have a great idea for an alternative energy source!
Frustrated boyfriend: You'd better not say 'the sun'...
Girlfriend, after a pause: Oh...

UC Davis
California

Overheard by: student on the bus

A Fat One

Young boy to mom: I can't run! I'm a virgin!

Irvine, California

The Devastating Effects of Calicocaine

Teen girl: I am so strung out on kittens right now, it's not even funny.

High school classroom
Aurora, Colorado

He Was Badly Burned in the Ensuing Explosion

Girl, about guy she had over the previous night: It freaked me out. I told him he had to do a double flush, a courtesy flush, and light a match, or he wasn't allowed back.

Shout-out: eavesdropdc.blogspot.com

Overheard by:

Or, As Much So As Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger

Guy: My sister and I are twins, but I was born first.
Woman #1: Do you mean you just came out first?
Guy: Well, see, what happened was I am two years older than my sister. [Everyone stares at each other.]
Woman #2: ... So you and your sister are twins, but she is two years younger?
Guy: Oh, wait, I'm getting confused with another family story. I am two years older than my sister, but I'm pretty sure we're not twins, either.

900 West Valley Road
Wayne, Pennsylvania

Didn't You Notice Mummy's Ominous Switch to the Third Person?

Mother weighed down with shopping bags: Mummy needs a coffee now, honey.
Six-year-old daughter: But Mummy, I wanna look at--
Mother: --Mummy needs coffee or she will die.

Greensborough Plaza, Main Road
Greensborough
Australia

... Your Brother's One Lucky Guy

Female student #1: But, like, he's a really good guy, and he's going to make some girl very happy one day.
Female student #2: Right... But that girl's just not you.
Female student #1: Exactly! But we might hang out this weekend and, like, have sex or something.
Female student #2: Nothin' wrong with that.

Cornell University
Ithaca, New York

They Were Praying.

Bimbette #1: Why would anyone even be outside that late? What the hell were they doing?
Bimbette #2: Uh, Erica, we were outside, too.
Bimbette #1: Well, we had an excuse! We were streaking!

Park City, Utah

Daycare Saves Lives

Five-year-old girl running through aisles: Mommy?! Mommy?!
Mother: Mommy die. Mommy go bye-bye. Mommy drowned. Mommy go kill herself.

Payless Shoes
Huntington Beach, California

Yeah, Um, We Got the Roses and Chocolates

Teacher during earthquake drill: Guys, if we die right now, I love you!

Rock Bridge High School
Columbia, Maryland

Overheard by: Kelsey

You're Chronically Relaxed

Girl #1: It would just never occur to me to get a massage to relax or de-stress, you know?
Girl #2 absentmindedly: That's because you're an alcoholic.

Seven Grand Whiskey Bar
Los Angeles, California

At the Algonquin Round Table

Chick #1: Are you drunk?
Chick #2: Just a little. I only had two drinks!
Chick #1: What about you?
Chick #3: No, I ate a pot brownie! I made them all by myself! I'm so proud!

O'Colly newsroom, Oklahoma State University
Oklahoma

Overheard by: The Designated Driver

Never Stops Anybody, Just Makes 'em Feel Bad

Mom to little girl touching display: Honey, don't do that! [Kid keeps doing it.] I said don't do that! Do you want to go to Hell?
Little girl, scared: No.
Mom: Then don't touch that.

Lansing, Michigan

Overheard by: the girl behind the register

That's Why You Don't Teach a Three-Year-Old How to Use the Phone

Girl on cell in stall: She's crazy. She called me this weekend saying that she had been kidnapped. Isn't that weird? No, I didn't call her back.

Library restroom, Westchester Community College
Valhalla, New York

Overheard by: Catie

I Recommend Not Moving between Them

Conductor over PA after train starts and stops a few times: There are six different kinds of metro cars, all manufactured in different places and different times. This particular train is comprised of three of those kinds. The transit authority says they all work fine together. I'll let you decide that for yourselves...

Blue Line
Washington, DC

Geez, You Better

Girl to friends: Did he use a condom? No, never mind, you don't use a condom when you're fucking grapefruit.

Montreal
Canadia

Yeah, but Just As a Prank

Fast-walking woman: You know him -- Scott...
Fast-walking man: Was that the guy who put your mother to sleep?

Glens Falls, New York

Overheard by: Kate E. Austin

Their Lullabies Are the Stuff of Nightmares

Professor, on possible Nazi allusions in animation: Well, it was a German film, and any time you hear German muttering, it's harsh words and armbands.

Rhode Island School of Design
Rhode Island

Overheard by: Sandro

Corporate Has Tortured Cashiers for Less

Little girl: Do you have any cinnamon rolls?
Cashier: No.
Little girl: Are you serious?
Cashier: I am serious. I would never joke about something like this.

Starbucks
Denver, Colorado

When Youngsters Are Exposed to Flavor of Love

Four-year-old girl: Step off, Mommy!

Gainesville, Virginia

Overheard by: x-tina wif a k

Thanks to the Child Labor Laws

Little boy running from price scanner: Mom, my hand's not for sale!

Target, 2255 14th Avenue SE
Albany, Oregon

Overheard by: Miranda

New York Children Have Difficulty Fitting In Abroad

Teacher reading story to class: Little Bear hurt his head, and Big Bear kissed it better. Little Bear hurt his foot, and Big Bear kissed it better...
Six-year-old: Well, shit happens.

Sydney
Australia

Harshin' My Buzz, Dude

Drunk freshman: I love it here! Look, even the street sparkles!
Passing upperclassman: That's broken glass.

Richmond, Virginia

Just because He Likes His Pork Pulled?

Hipster girl: He eats pork, but he won't eat pussy. He's a really bad Jew.

Ponce de Leon Avenue
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: I'm a vegetarian

Sean Looks for Any Excuse to Buy a Purse

Dude playing Wii: That's gonna be my one year anniversary with my Wii. I should take it out and buy it a purse...

Marist College
Poughkeepsie, New York

Overheard by: Russ

And Leave Wet Spots Wherever They Go

Male professor: Yes, Miss...? Uh...
Hot chick, raising hand: Beaver.
Professor: Beaver? How come I don't remember that being your last name? You don't look like a 'Beaver.' Maybe if you were wet... [Entire class goes silent, then erupts with laughter.]
Professor, embarrassed: I meant because beavers live around the water!

History class, Northern Virginia Community College
Annandale, Virginia

Overheard by: Classmate

I Hope to Be the Best Piece of Ash She's Ever Had

Old hillbilly: I love my old lady so much, I told her that when I die, I want her to cremate me, put me in a douche bag and give me one more go 'round...

Athens, Georgia

Spring Break in South Beach, for Instance

Man #1: What's that bruise on your forehead from?
Man #2: Watch out for someone in diapers carrying a mallet.
Man #1: I've found that to be sage advice in multiple situations...

Wausau, Wisconsin

It's All in How You Color the States

Passenger #1 looking at map on screen: Oh, look -- we're over Montana right now.
Passenger #2: Montana's in Canada! Cool!

Over Montana, British Airways flight

Overheard by: Confused Flyer

You'll Love the Electric Highchair, Buddy

Happy dad to little kid: Capital punishment is fun!

Morgantown, West Virginia

My Manager Hardly Slaps My Ass Anymore

Hot girl with big boobs, to friend: Ugh... I shouldn't have worn this shirt. [Lowers voice] Everyone's looking...
Middle-aged cashier: You should appreciate them. I had a husband who would pop mine out at football games. It made me so angry, but now I'd love for someone to appreciate mine enough that he'd want to show the world my beauty.

Publix
Gainesville, Florida

Overheard by: guy behind them

It's Fun to Express Yourself without Risk of Being Understood

Black student #1, to teacher: Ayo, man! Naw, naw [babbles on, but no one can understand].
Teacher: ... What?
Black student #2: Man, I'm black and I didn't even understand that!

Manassas, Virginia

In That I Like Football Players

Chick: So basically I slept with this really hot Australian rugby player that I knew for less than 24 hours, and my dead friend watched.
Dude: We are so different.

Derby, Connecticut

I Only Stayed Through the Bomb Scare and the Jell-O Wrestling

Undergrad girl in pajamas: ... So then the cops realized that they had the wrong guy on his knees.
Undergrad friend in pajamas: What? Why?
Undergrad girl in pajamas: 'Cause the guy who did it had a ponytail.
Undergrad friend in pajamas: Damn! The coolest stuff happens after I leave.

Tufts University dining hall
Medford, Massachusetts

Is There a Polite Response That Doesn't Sound Gay?

Frat monkey: Here's a naked pic of my girl [shows photo on cell]...
Drunk frat friend: Nice. [Pulls out his own cell.] Here's a picture of my dick.

Caves Bar
Arlington, Texas

Overheard by: Not impressed

But You're Our Spanish Teacher

White teacher: Time to yell grades! These are the good ones: Smith, Jameson, De-Jesus...
Asian kid, whispering to friend: Isn't it supposed to be Degesis?
White kid, to teacher: Did you just say 'De-Jesus'?
White teacher: I'm white.

Columbia, New York

Overheard by: Father Seraph

Dunno, It Feels Like It's Helping

Old woman: Should you really be drinking with your condition?
Young guy: What condition?
Old woman: Y'know -- the crazy and all.

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: fregout

I Think We'd Be Married Under Missouri Law

Guy #1: Hey, you know what? You know what? Suck my balls.
Guy #2: What if I just stuck a pot over them and banged it with a wooden spoon?

Canton, Missouri

Overheard by: Lynn

... With Grandma

Daughter: How's Bob doing?
Mother: He's alive.
Daughter: Well, that's good. We can't have a dead cat on our front porch.

Spokane, Washington

And We'll Really Try Not to Roll Over and Squish You This Time

Father to baby: Mommy and I are gonna have lots of fun tonight. Yes we are! And we're gonna make sure we don't have another baby like we did last time. [Baby starts to laugh and coo.]

Wegmans
Manalapan, New Jersey

Overheard by: Why do I work here?

As We Shall Learn Through Bitter Experience

Professor: I just think of this class as 40 days in a row and then it's over. Like the Jews in Egypt.
Student: It was 40 years.
Professor: 40 years, 40 days. Same difference.

Northeastern University
Boston, Massachusetts

Translation: I Hate Anybody Smarter Than Me

Dude: I have lots of friends in anarchist groups.
Chick: Doesn't an organized group of anarchists kind of defeat the purpose?
Dude: ... You're gay!

High school classroom
Englewood, Colorado

He Bought My Sore Anal Cavity a Box of Chocolates the Next Day

Young woman: He was really sweet about the butt sex... If it's possible to be sweet about butt sex.

Windermere, Florida

Overheard by: I think that's entirely possible...

Over by the Vulvic Republic

Heavy guy looking at atlas: What's a 'labia'?
Son: One of those Eastern European countries.

Barnes & Noble
Peoria, Illinois

What the Hell's Going on in Hartford?

Professor: I went to college in Montreal, and one day I woke up on, like, the 16th floor of some high rise building with this beautiful Arabian girl next to me, and I didn't know where I was or what was happening. It was great.
Student: And then you woke up again from your dream.
Professor: Well, then she ruined the next six months of my life. I don't know why I told you this story.

Hartford, Connecticut

Would've Meant More If You'd Had It All with Me

Flamboyant art boy: So all that anal sex meant nothing to you?!

Baltimore, Maryland

Overheard by: voltaire

A Candy-Ass?

Professor with Smarties taped to pants: Anyone wanna take a guess at what my costume is?
Girl in back: Firefighter!

University of Delaware
Delaware

All That Talk of Stakes...

High school girl #1: That guy in front of us is pretty hot.
High school girl #2: I thought that, too, until I realized he was touching himself during the play.
High school girl #1: What?!
High school girl #2: Yeah. I guess the Salem Witch Trials turn him on.

Intermission of The Crucible
Nashville, Tennessee

Overheard by: the dude was a freshman.

Geez, Look at That Guy Run

Guy: So, I heard your daughter is walking around half-naked. Congratulations!

Harvest Faire
Newport News, Virginia

Depends on the Hamster -- and the Book

Philosophy professor: I know you'd all rather drink a bucket of hamster vomit than read a book.

Overheard in Miami Facebook group

Overheard by: sarah

How God Was Feeling When He Got to the Tyrannosaurus Rex

Girl #1: I'm not a vest person.
Girl #2: You don't think I look good in this vest?
Girl #1: No, you look good, but I just don't get them. I mean, it's my arms that are cold!
Girl #2: Whatever. I'm over arms.

Madison, Wisconsin

Bed, Bath, and Beat-Offs?

Chick #1: A woman came up to me and said there was a guy beating off into the dress.
Chick #2: Really?!
Chick #1: Sure enough, I walked over and his pants were around his ankles.
Guy passerby: Where the hell do you work?

Omaha, Nebraska

Stop Poking at My Fishnets, Please

Four-year-old girl: You look like a hooker.
Young mom, laughing: That's not very nice. Where did you learn that.
Four-year-old girl: Hooker, hooker, hooker.
Young mom, annoyed: You watch too much TV.

Dressing room
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: Because that IS Barneys favorite word...

Why His Family Has Stopped Drinking at Christmas

Dude drawing names and heart in wet cement: Done.
Girl: Oh my god, that's awesome. I'm gonna take a picture with my phone so it can be the image that comes up when you call. Right now it's your dick in a box.
Dude: Yeah, this is-- Wait, you have a picture of my dick in a box?
Girl: Yeah. Remember?
Dude: Oh, yeah, that's right...

UC Berkeley
Berkeley, California

Overheard by: nathan

I Plan to Enjoy That As Long As I'm Single

Guy: I've decided not to have an orgasm for the rest of the week.
Girl: God! Why?! You can't have too many orgasms. It's not like drinking too much!
Guy: I decide a lot of things.

Cambridge, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Abstemious

As Appropriate As the Word "Oriental," Anyway

Middle-aged white lady #1: I think I'm going to buy this for my daughter's boyfriend's parents. You know, because it's oriental and they're oriental.
Middle-aged white lady #2: That is so appropriate!

St. Augustine, Florida

Overheard by: Ruth

I Wet the Bed One Too Many Times

Woman: My sister and I slept together in the same bed until we were three. That was when she tried to light the house on fire.

Dalai Lama public speech, Olympic Centennial Park
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Alice

You're Not Even Close to the Strangest Thing in Australia, Honey

Goth girl: Everybody's speaking English! Everyone's speaking English! And I'm goth! And nobody's staring at me!

Train station
Perth
Australia

Last Time We Rented a Movie, I Almost Went Blind

Young black woman #1: What's We Own the Night about?
Young black woman #2: One guy's a cop, and his brother is a gangster or something.
Young black woman #1: Does it have black people in it or white people?
Young black woman #2: White people.
Young black woman #1: Let's see something else.

Columbus, Ohio

Overheard by: Jason Bourne

Well the Eye Shadow Would Look Silly without It

Hipster girl: Why won't you take my last name when we get married? It would be really progressive of you...
Hipster guy: No, it wouldn't! It would be emasculating!
Hipster girl: Emasculating? Like how?
Hipster guy: Like me wearing a dress...
Hipster girl: But you already do that!

IKEA
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

But He Gave Me an A on the Midterm, So I Looked the Other Way