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November 2007 Archives
... Since the Paternity Tests
Shabby guy to friend: ... So now I have to go appease all of these pregnant people...
Denver, Colorado
Overheard by: Kirsten
But the Guy Who Went As a Hedgehog Had It Even Worse
Party host: Man, it took me three weeks to clean the gorilla suit after the wedding...
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Overheard by: Paul
Categories: Cleanliness | Guys | Michigan | Posted 2007-11-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Not Until Lindsay Lohan Steps Down
Chick to friend: Well, it's not as if you were ever going to be elected president of the cock fan club, now was it?
Melbourne University
Australia
Overheard by: Wylis
Dude, We're in Fucking Arizona
Dude #1: Hey, man, you okay?
Dude #2: Yeah, I was just in that... hot... shit... What's that called?
Dude #1: The sauna?
Dude #2: Yeah. That shit is hot, man.
Rec center
Gilbert, Arizona
Nothing That Happens on the Principal's Desk Is Sex
Student: Okay, so maybe he was inside me and I was moving around, but it wasn't sex.
Williamsburg, Virginia
Do You Need Another Minute to Think about It?
Chick: If you could be friends with any three people, who would they be?
Dude: Hitler, Jesus, and Bill Cosby.
High school
Englewood, Colorado
When Martha Stewart Has Nightmares
Naked guy with cock ring and whip: So, what are we doing later this evening?
Boyfriend with nipple rings, dog collar, padlock, and leash: We're going to my parents' for dinner, remember?
Naked guy: Oh, right. Your dad asked me to help him with the aquarium.
Boyfriend, looking at huge dildos: And I want to help my mom finish the quilt she's working on. And we should mulch the rose garden while we're there, too.
Folsom Street Fair
San Francisco, California
Overheard by: cultural tourist
Categories: California | Couples | Family ties | San Francisco | Posted 2007-11-30 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Because I Plan to Smile the Whole Fucking Way Home
Husband: Do you want any strawberries?
Wife: No.
Husband: Do you want any pears?
Wife: No.
Husband: Do you want any peaches?
Wife: No [walks away].
Husband, to clerk: I'll take some strawberries, pears, and peaches.
Payson, Arizona
I'll Take "People Who Deserve Each Other" for $200, Alex
Girl: I always clean the sheets. You never notice, but I always clean the sheets.
Guy: What? We don't even have sheets on the bed right now.
Girl: And do you want to know why we don't have sheets on the bed? Because the other night, after you'd bled on them--
Guy: --I bled on them because you kicked me.
Girl: I did not kick you! It was that mole -- that mole that started bleeding, which I'm very concerned about, by the way. Your mole shouldn't just start bleeding like that. But anyway, I had just cleaned the sheets, and then your mole bled on them, and I went to clean them again and I thought, 'Why don't I see how long it would take him to notice there aren't even sheets on the bed?' So that's why we haven't had sheets on the bed for a month.
12th and Locust
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Categories: Couples | Pennsylvania | Relationships | Posted 2007-11-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Cell Reception Is Atrocious
Frustrated mom: For the love of God, stop crying! If you don't stop, I'm going to shove you back in my uterus, close my legs, and never let you out!
Crying little boy: No! I don't like it in there!
San Francisco, California
Categories: California | Kids | Moms | San Francisco | Threats | Posted 2007-11-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
When Engineers Have Humanities Requirements
Girl: But Gandhi -- he, like, did so much for the world. He helped humanity.
Guy: Yeah, but we still shouldn't have to write a paragraph about him.
Flint Hall, Syracuse University
Syracuse, New York
Overheard by: ears burning
She Was Happy Feet-Good
Man, about preteen: She was being such a good penguin that I wished that I had some extra fish to give her.
Delaware
Which May Be Why He's Sleeping with Me
Chick: Okay, so here's the story -- I don't know what to do about my crackhead boyfriend. He's, like, seriously on crack...
Friend: I really think you're over-thinking everything...
Green line bus, University of Connecticut
Storrs, Connecticut
Categories: Advice | Chicks | Connecticut | Gripes | Posted 2007-11-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like When It's Too Cold for Birkenstocks
Stoner chick: Some people get offended when I tell them I don't want to be a lesbian during certain times of the year.
Bakersfield, California
Categories: California | Gossip | Sexuality | Stoners | Posted 2007-11-29 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
The Kind with Compassion Supplements in Every Bite?
Fireman: Yeah, so we were all standing around waiting for this suicidal guy to do whatever, and then we got hungry.
Girlfriend: So what did you all do?
Fireman: We went back to the station and made hot dogs.
Girlfriend: What about the guy?
Fireman: I mean, the cops were still there, and we got back before anything happened. Or, well, before anything eventful happened.
Girlfriend: What kind of hot dogs were they?
Target line
Atlanta, Georgia
And That's When I Got the Idea, Your Honor
Teacher: Are you guys understanding this?
Class: [Stares blankly.]
Teacher: It feels like I'm taking my clothes off.
Class: What?
Teacher: I meant that this is disturbing.
Kenosha, Wisconsin
Then I Gave You a Carrot and Brushed Your Hair
Girl #1: Well, did you at least say thank you for the ride?
Girl #2, looking at #3: Well, you rode me. What do you say?
Girl #3: I enjoyed the ride!
Central Washington University
Ellensburg, Washington
Categories: Chicks | Etiquette | Washington | Posted 2007-11-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Oh, Poor Maggie Gyllenhaal
Chick #1: Was she cute?
Chick #2: No, she was fugs! She looked like an anorexic bear. You know, like, at the circus? One of the ones that are tortured... And forced to wear party hats.
Red Line train
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: I totally know what you mean...
Can It Spank You and Bite Your Nipples? I Think Not.
Nursing instructor, about simulation dummy: Can in blink? Yes. Can it vomit? Yes. Can it urinate? Yes. Can it tell you what hurts? Yes.
Nursing student: Can it take you on a date?
Penn Valley Community College
Kansas City, Missouri
Overheard by: Nurse Badass
Unless You'd Like to Hide a Buck Knife in a Teddy Bear
Woman at counter: [Mumbling.]
Clerk: No, we don't carry weapons here.
Hallmark Store
St. Joseph, Michigan
Overheard by: but if you try the precious moments store...
We Have Our Orgies through Holes in a Sheet
Mormon girl #1: I totally can't believe we just did that. I love it.
Mormon girl #2: We're so scandalous.
Mormon girl #1: Well... We're scandalous in an appropriate way.
Salt Lake City, Utah
Overheard by: jules
There Are Jews in Iowa?
20-something guy: I am not looking forward to this party we're hosting. It?s going to be a bunch of underage frat boys, an orthodox Jew, and some crazy chick I used to fuck.
Ames, Iowa
... Was What We Called His Penis
Hot girl #1: That's so sad.
Hot girl #2: Yeah, that's so sad.
Hot girl #1: I used to date him.
Hot girl #2: Me, too.
Hot girl #1, fondly: Ruben, the one-eyed gimp.
Princeton, New Jersey
Categories: Chicks | Names | New Jersey | Posted 2007-11-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
What?
Professor, about megafauna: I would love to have a giant beaver.
GWU Archaeology lecture
Washington, DC
Categories: Animals | Teachers | Washington, DC | Posted 2007-11-28 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Damnit, Now My Chair's All Wet
Super nerd #1: You look tired.
Super nerd #2: Yea...
Super nerd #1: I bet you were up till three AM playing World of Warcraft.
Super nerd #2: Yeah...
Super nerd #1: Yeah, I just got the new patch. It's downloading right now. Its an 80-gig patch... I mean, 80-meg patch.
Super nerd #2: Phew! [Panting] Don't do that to me!
Virginia Tech
Blacksburg, Virginia
Categories: Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Games | Virginia | Posted 2007-11-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
I'm Contemplating a Few Craft Projects of My Own
Scottish hipster: So, we find him tied to this pole near the railway tracks, stripped and covered with tar.
English hipster: Tar? So, is that easy to get around here?
The Lot
Edinburgh
Scotland
Which Is What You Get for Forcing a Dog into a Tutu
Teen girl: Yeah... But, I mean, he peed on her! He lifted up his skirt and peed on her!
Hinsdale Central High School
Hinsdale, Illinois
Overheard by: Christina Newkirk
Or Send Him to Sleepaway Camp
Middle-aged guy #1: So, Hulk Hogan's daughter was what -- 16 when that show started? Now she must be 19, and she's dating a 30-year-old?
Middle-aged guy #2: If you're old enough to drive when you're 16 and you're old enough to die for your country when you're 18, then you're old enough to make your own decisions.
Middle-aged guy #1: You know, half of those kids that died in World War II never got to experience life as we know it. They were all probably 17-year-old virgins from Iowa.
Middle-aged guy #2: Shit, if I had a kid, I'd take him to a whorehouse in Texas as soon as he turned thirteen.
18 bus
Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Are you experience?
Categories: Guys | Philosophy | Washington | Posted 2007-11-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Translation: Can We Have a Threesome with Her?
Man to woman: Is it weird that we've watched your mother having sex?
Pensacola, Florida
Overheard by: Are you serious?!
... As This Science Experiment Demonstrates
Queer: No amount of chocolate or Fosse will bring back my ass virginity.
Indiana University
Bloomington, Indiana
Overheard by: spunky
But I'm Too Baked to Know for Sure
Hipster: I mean, come on, get with it. This is the '90s, man.
Friend: ... I don't think it is.
Rutgers University
New Brunswick, New Jersey
Categories: Hipsters | New Jersey | Stupidity | Posted 2007-11-27 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Like I've Never Made It into an Actual Book
Student: So, I went to the state library the other day.
Friend: What was it like?
Student: Well, I never made it into the actual book section.
City bus
Brisbane
Australia
Overheard by: Sara
Childbirth Is Very Much a Mixed-Media Event
Thrilled grandma: She was smiling so much, she could have shit her face.
Chattanooga State Library
Chattanooga, Tennessee
Overheard by: Joe!
So, You'll Notice That I'm Topless.
Chick #1, to class: Sorry I stink. I just got back from soccer practice.
Chick #2: That's okay. My cat peed on my shirt before I left the house.
Palm Bay, Florida
Categories: Bragging | Chicks | Florida | Health & Hygiene | Posted 2007-11-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Girl #1: So, this guy, like, offers to take her up to his room, and I was like, 'Um, don't think so!'
Girl #2: Oh my god, totally! Yeah!
Girl #1: So I, like, carried her up to my room.
Girl #2: Did you know her at all?
Girl #1: No! But she was pretty drunk, so I, like, made sure she was, like, comfortable or whatever. Then I went down the hall to go to the bathroom, and I come back and she, like, threw up. Like, everywhere.
Girl #2: Was she still there?
Girl #1: No, she was gone! But it smelled really bad.
Girl #2: Ewww! That's so gross.
Villanova University
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Bored In Class
Categories: Bimbettes | Gossip | Pennsylvania | Posted 2007-11-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
More Likely He'd Giggle and Start Talking about Threesomes
Girl #1: So, does your boyfriend know you're bi?
Girl #2: What? No way! If he found out, he would fry me!
Girl #1: Fry you?
Girl #2: Yes! He would fry me! With a Jesus stick!
Cupertino High School
Cupertino, California
Overheard by: shyinvisiblegirl
Categories: California | Chicks | Violence | Posted 2007-11-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Or Should I Just Feel?
Professor to student: Do you mind if I ask if your testicles are still intact?
Lakehead University
Ontario
Canadia
No Man Can Resist Her
Yale girl: Last night when I was getting ready to go to bed I was putting pajamas on and there was half a quesadilla in my bra.
Shout-out: overheardatyale.blogspot.com
Categories: Chicks | Gossip | Overheard at Yale | Posted 2007-11-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
People in L.A. Eat?
Guy: I have to use the girls' room 'cause there is just vomit everywhere in the men's and a guy, like, dying or something.
Girl: Well, that's what you get for moving to the East side! Apparently no one vomits at bars on the West side. We here on the East side are all about vomit. It's, like, totally cool.
Ladies' room, 4100 Bar, Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Erin
Categories: Bragging | California | Friends | Posted 2007-11-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Buy Her Pinocchio and Have Him Lie to Her
Geek to friend: You need to get her something she can use in bed... Like a puppet.
Gen Con Indy
Indianapolis, Indiana
Overheard by: Matt
Categories: Advice | Dorks, Geeks & Nerds | Indiana | Posted 2007-11-26 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Maybe I Should Find a Nice Lesbian and Settle Down
Twink #1: I don't want to just date him for the weekend -- I want something for the rest of my life.
Twink #2: You could die Sunday. That would be the rest of your life.
The Hippo
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Mykl
Categories: Friends | Maryland | Relationships | Posted 2007-11-25 | Email | Quote | Link | Del.icio.us | Facebook
Works for Me
Teen girl #1: So, I was in Health today, and the teacher was telling us about how you can get gonorrhea in your eye by giving someone a blowjob.
Teen girl #2: I think the entire point of that class is to scare you out of having sex.
38X bus
Nashville, Tennessee
Why Children Should Not Be Taught New Words
Little girl in shopping cart as dad pushes it away from the mom: We're going to jettison mom! Woo-hoo!
Department store
Austin, Texas
If I Didn't Know Better, I'd Say You'd Brought Me Fajitas
Woman looking at plate of fajitas: Ummm, I ordered fajitas.
Waiter: Those are fajitas...
Woman: Oh. [Begins eating fajitas.]
Chili's
Oldsmar, Florida
Mom's Hoping It's Just a Phase
Enthusiastic teen girl: My 10-year-old brother wears lip gloss!
Irritated mother: Don't tell people that!
Line for American Idol auditions
Dallas, Texas